The Practice of Love
by belladonnacullen
Summary: When the disarmingly handsome Edward Masen turns up as a new patient, the life Dr. Isabella Swan has carefully put together will be shattered forever. What will it take to put the pieces back together again? What does it take to heal? AH/AU, canon parings
1. Chapter 1

**For any regular readers of mine, you'll notice that this is a bit of a departure from the canon stories I usually write. I've had this AH story kicking around in my head for over a month now, and finally, there was nothing left to do but write it down. It was getting in the way of writing, sleeping, and from time to time, even speaking.**

**This is a work of fiction. I may not get everything spot-on with regard to primary care, testicular cancer, and in chapters to come, case law.**

**And of course, Twilight and it's characters are not mine! I just love them a whole hell of a lot.**

**Without further ado, I give you The Practice of Love... xxx, M**

* * *

"There's pizza in the break room, Dr. Swan," Gianna called out as I dashed past reception.

"Not going to happen, Gianna. Thanks, though."

"Should I tell the rep you're busy?"

Why would she ask that? I _was_ busy. "Who is it?" I groaned, a bit melodramatically. I supposed that I could pop my head in and at least say hi.

"Cialis," she called back. No, it was _definitely_ not going to happen. Honestly, the ED reps made me uncomfortable. I know, I know, I was a doctor, for Pete's sake. And I had no problem standing in an exam room with a patient and talking about libidos and erections and stamina. But put me in a windowless room with a piece of pizza and a salesman dying to talk about how reliably he can make a man hard for hours on end, and I got a little squirmy.

No way was I talking to the Cialis rep today.

"I'm swamped, Gianna. Maybe you could ask Lauren to stop by."

"You got it, Dr. Swan."

Gianna stooped a little to squeeze my shoulder and smile reassuringly. She was our summer intern: impossibly tall, blond, beautiful and twenty-one. She could have been a fresh-faced supermodel, but instead, she'd been eyeing me wistfully for my first three weeks on the job. On my first day, she'd told me that she couldn't wait to be a physician, just like me. I thought about telling her that I was no role model. If anything, going about things the way I had should be a cautionary tale that gets told to first year students. But instead of getting into all that, I decided to simply respond with a smile. I just hoped she realized that my life was no episode of Private Practice.

I eyed the clock. This was supposed to be my lunch break, but I still had four patients waiting. I'd been running behind right from the start today, but that first patient hadn't been my fault. A little girl named Claire came in with a stomach bug, and promptly demonstrated how ill she was all over my favorite pair of shoes: Steve Madden ballet flats. No, not Louboutins or Jimmy Choos; I run back and forth in an office all day; four inch heels would never work, especially considering my lack of coordination.

It had been downhill from there, an unlucky combination of the office staff not being completely used to my quirks, missing charts and lab results, getting stuck on hold waiting for consults, and the list went on. As usual, it was hard to believe that much had happened in only four hours. But now, if I could just knock these next few visits out over my lunch break, I'd be back on track.

I paused in the hallway outside of reception to pull the remaining morning charts. No problem. I could do this, I reasoned to myself.

I was still a little stunned that Dr. Carlisle Cullen had trusted me with his practice after only three weeks. In the end, he'd left the decision up to me. He said he believed that I could easily handle things in his absence, but he would only go if I were comfortable being on my own. And while being in charge was somewhat disconcerting, after so many years having countless superiors in the hospital, I knew Carlisle had his emergency phone with him, and there were plenty of colleagues that I could consult with, if necessary.

And it was Dr. Cullen's anniversary. He hadn't had time off since his former partner, Dr. Alistair Eremite, had unexpectedly retired over six months ago. I knew he and his wife, Esme, hadn't been to the shore all summer. After all, one of the reasons I joined a small neighborhood family practice was for situations such as this: helping each other out, and having informal flexibility with scheduling. Being able to take time off for family was something Dr. Cullen said was a priority for him and I looked forward to taking advantage of the same benefit in the future.

Dr. Cullen had been in practice in this neighborhood for over twenty years. I'd reasoned that there was little damage I could do to his good name in three days. Yet, after four hours, I was desperately clinging to the hope that I'd been right. As I was flipping through the charts in front of me, Gianna swooshed by and dropped another chart off, in a slot without a corresponding room number.

"Gianna, what is this?"

"A chart, Dr. Swan."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "But there aren't any appointments scheduled for noon."

"Uh, yeah, it's a last minute, emergency kind of thing."

"I have patients in the other exam rooms."

"I put him in the lab. The tech's out for lunch, so you'll have privacy."

"We've got space set aside for emergencies in the morning and evening."

"But, he couldn't come in then."

I sighed, exasperated. First of all, what was Gianna, the intern, doing making appointments? And secondly, if this patient couldn't make it during the designated emergency timeslots, then either it wasn't an emergency, or he should have gone to the local hospital's emergency room.

"But, Dr. Swan, he's -"

I shushed Gianna with a wave of my hand, pulling this new, thick chart out of the waiting slot, examining the name and date of birth, and walking swiftly away. Her excuse didn't matter. It wouldn't change the fact that now there was a thirty-two year old male waiting for me in the lab, in a thin cotton gown. I could hardly ask him to leave.

I juggled all of the charts that were laid out on my desk, making a mental note to broach the topic of electronic charting when Dr. Cullen returned. Then I checked the on-line schedule. The patients held over from this morning were in for high cholesterol, a lingering cough, hypertension and hypothyroidism. But, under the thirty-two year-old's name, it simply said: emergency. A mystery emergency man. Great.

On an impulse, I decided to get this last minute appointment out of the way. If my acute visit times weren't convenient for this guy, well, this appointment time wasn't convenient for me. I'd have him in and out as quickly as possible. Then I wouldn't have it hanging over my head, making me angrier as the minutes ticked by.

I looked skeptically at his rather thick chart as I made my way to the lab, knowing that I should flip through it. But I didn't have the time, and if this was an acute case, there was a good chance there was no point. What good would it be to know he'd had his appendix out at twelve, if he stepped on a rusty nail this morning? Okay, okay, I know my old supervisors back at CHOP would have given me hell for a statement like that, but I wasn't in the mood.

I took a few seconds outside the door of the lab to make sure my skirt was straight, my hair was pushed behind my ears, and I mentally berated myself again for not getting out of that stream of vomit earlier in the morning. Luckily, I'd had my gym bag with me, so I had some substitute footwear. But I couldn't help feeling a bit sheepish about wearing track shoes with my navy linen skirt. I protectively tugged my white coat around my body and raised my hand to knock on the door. But before I could knock, my stomach nervously flip-flopped. Maybe I should have grabbed a bite of pizza.

I glanced at the chart in my hands, flipping quickly through the pages. I saw notes from physical, after physical, after physical, every six months for at least ten years. This man loved getting physicals. Hmm. According to Dr. Cullen's chart notes, this mystery guy was always in peak health. His heart rate hovered near fifty, his blood pressure was in the optimal range, and his weight hadn't changed by more than a pound in the past ten years. I didn't look in any detail after I noted all that, deciding it truly must have been some random accident that brought mystery man in today. According to the chart in my hands, I was about to come face to face with the picture of perfect health.

I tapped lightly on the door, forcing myself to knock loud enough for the man on the other side to hear. I was shy by nature, and it took some effort on my part to feel comfortable in the role of authority figure. It was something I'd been working on ever since my internship at CHOP.

I heard a deep male voice clear his throat on the other side of the door and I shivered in my track shoes. Huh, that was odd. I took one last look through the chart as I pushed the door open and stepped into the lab.

"You're not Carlisle."

Those three simple words evoked the sensation of raw silk running over my bare skin. The man's words were gently probing and authoritative, all at once. And velvety. Yes, that was the word: velvety.

I held my breath, waiting for my nerve endings to stop firing. In reality, the feeling passed the second he'd stopped speaking, but it left me feeling off-kilter. Maybe it was because we were meeting in the lab. Maybe because I skipped lunch?

I closed the man's chart. "No, Dr. Cullen is out of the office today. I'm his new associate, Dr. Swa -"

Oh. My. God.

In some distant part of my brain, I realized that I'd stopped walking, stopped talking, and was holding the door ajar, not have completely made it into the room. But, one glance at the mystery emergency man in front of me had made all coherent speech and muscle movement impossible. Both somatic and autonomic muscle movement, by the way. I was holding my breath again, and damn it if my heart hadn't stopped beating all together.

At first, all I saw were two piercing, emerald green eyes and a mop of messy just-been-fucked copper colored hair. On further inspection, I became certain that a nubby, white cotton gown had never done so much for a man. I could see the contours of his defined pecs, the long, lean musculature of his biceps, and his strong quads peaking out at the hem. Thin golden curls covered his legs. He even had attractive feet, and I wasn't necessarily into that kind of thing. And, I couldn't be sure, because maybe Ben, the lab tech, had used some sort of sunshine-scented cleanser in the lab, but I believed this man smelled mouthwatering.

And he was peering at me with a lopsided grin on his face.

"Dr. Swa?" he chuckled. The sound of his half laughter had my heart palpably thumping in my chest, and I felt an unmistakable twinge between my thighs. I also quickly realized that he was poking fun at me. Well, sure, mystery man must have stopped women in their tracks on a daily basis.

Move your legs and speak, Bella, I commanded myself. It was time to act like a physician. But I couldn't. Instead, the knowledge that my reaction had been very inappropriate popped into my head, about thirty seconds too late, in my estimation. Sure, at school and during my residency, I'd seen classmates ogle patients, hook-up with patients, even have relationships with them. And while this was strictly unethical, and against the rules, it was far from unheard of.

But I had never been so much as tempted. I prided myself in acting professionally while at work, and keeping my private life private. When I heard the rumors about classmates hooking up with someone they met at the clinic, it all sounded sordid and nauseating. I remembered confronting my friend Rose at CHOP just a couple years back.

"But Rose, it's just wrong," I argued over a cup of coffee.

"That's the best you've got Bella? It doesn't feel wrong. It feels pretty good," she said knocking back her iced caramel macchiato. Rose did everything extravagantly, even her coffee beverages.

"Can't you just wait until your rotation is over? Then he won't be your patient anymore. Problem solved."

"If no one finds out, then there's no problem," Rosalie said, daring me to act on the information.

To that I only shook my head. I certainly wouldn't report her, but that didn't mean someone else wouldn't notice. "You could get kicked out of the program, you know. It doesn't seem worth it, if you ask me."

"Just wait, Bella, one day you'll get yours, then you'll understand. It is, most definitely, worth it."

Royce dumped Rosalie well before she finished her cardio rotation. She still wasn't over it, over a year later. At the time, I'd figured it had actually been the other way around. Instead of me, she'd gotten hers.

But here I was. Was Mr. mystery emergency man mine? I didn't mean '_mine_,' I just meant my opportunity to wrestle with emotions and ethics. This man was certainly _not_ mine. Why couldn't I stop putting mystery man in the same sentence with the word 'mine'?

Mystery man cleared his throat and I jumped, like I'd been pleasantly shocked, and I felt that little twinge again. If I was being truthful, it was more than a little twinge.

And it was wrong. On so many levels.

I took a deep breath, smiled a strained smile, and looked the man in his beautiful face. Did I mention that he had a really strong jaw, and that when he smiled at me again, his teeth were movie-star straight and gleaming white?

"Err, sorry about that Mr…" I looked at his chart, "Mr. Masen. My name is Dr. Swa_n_. You're a last minute addition to the schedule, and I don't usually see patients in the lab."

"Yeah, sorry about that," he smiled, looking like he'd been caught stealing cookies out of a jar. My heart fluttered again, and I reached my hand out and gripped the countertop.

Dazzling, he was dazzling. I could easily see how he'd gotten the appointment.

"I may have pulled some strings," he confessed, biting his bottom lip. Suddenly, I wished he were biting my bottom lip. And I wished he'd keep talking. His voice did more for me than my bullet had been doing lately.

This is wrong, _DR._ Swan! Now speak!

"Well, it seems you made it past both Gianna and Angela without a note as to why you're here." I looked over the nurse's notes. "As usual, your blood pressure, weight and temperature are all perfect. I don't see any signs of major trauma. So, what brings you in today?" Did I just giggle after I said that? Yes, I just giggled. Holy crap, get a hold of yourself, Bella.

But as I glanced back at mystery man, his demeanor had completely changed. His shoulders had fallen forward, his hands were clasped tightly together, and it looked like he might actually bite through his lip as he stared hard at the floor.

"Ifeltalump," he muttered.

"Excuse me, Mr. Masen?"

Mr. Masen looked up from the floor, a shell of the self-possessed man he'd been only seconds before. The light in his eyes looked fragile, and I could actually feel the fear rolling off of him in waves.

"I'm sure you've read my chart," he said, looking me straight in the eye.

Oh shit. I hadn't really read his chart. I didn't say anything, hoping that he'd fill the silence and give me the information I needed. Guilt crept up my spine, and I fought the urge to apologize and run out of the room. This visit was going worse than any I'd had since I'd been a third year newbie back at the U.

"After the initial diagnoses, the surgery, chemo, radiation, everything, I've been rigorous about doing a self-check each month. Always the fifteenth, always in the shower. And this morning, I felt a lump. First time ever… well, since the first time I mean."

The words came tumbling out of the man's mouth, quick, as if he were confessing to something he'd done wrong. He ended with a large gulp, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat, his one hand clenched in a fist, the other tugging at the hem of his cotton gown.

"Testicular cancer," I murmured, finally understanding. And like that, all inappropriate thoughts disappeared. There was simply a scared patient sitting in front of me: someone that needed my help.

"What?" he asked. My words seemed to have brought him back from wherever he'd gone.

Say something knowledgeable, Bella.

"How old where you when you were first diagnosed?"

"Nineteen."

I did some quick math. "The chances of metastasis to the other testicle after thirteen years -"

"You're talking about statistics, doctor," he cut in. "I'm not a statistic." He opened his mouth to say something else, but then seemed to think better of it.

"Of course… So, the lump, as you say, wasn't there last month?"

"No."

"Is it painful? Is your testicle swollen? Have you noticed any pain in your abdomen or scrotum?"

"No."

"Back pain? Shortness of breath?"

"No," he sighed, and I could sense that he was becoming impatient. But if this man was afraid that his cancer had returned, I owed him a thorough intake. After all, I should do something right during this visit.

"Night sweats? Fatigue? Weight loss?" I continued, glancing up at him. He shook his head in the negative. The fear in his eyes made me shiver, and I mentally berated myself yet again for not looking deeper into his chart. I wondered just how bad the cancer had been.

"Any change in libido? Pain with ejaculation?"

Mr. Masen coughed, like I'd surprised him. "Uh… no," he mumbled. "Not exactly."

"Not exactly?"

Mr. Masen's emotions shifted again, from fear to discomfort, and he redirected his gaze to the door, as if now, he was the one contemplating a quick getaway. "No Pain. And libido, well, no, it's nothing, nothing like that." He took a deep breath and then looked me in the eye, with a gaze that was begging for help, for a hand to hold him up, for someone to take away his fear. "So, where do we go from here, Dr. Swan? Ultrasound, blood work?"

"Take a deep breath, Mr. Masen. Let's take this one step at a time. I'll just wash up and do a quick exam. Further testing may not even be warranted."

Mr. Masen's eyes searched mine, and I gave my best, reassuring smile. I hoped he was just being overly cautious and that it was nothing. He was obviously extremely thorough: monthly self-exams, physicals every six months, and judging by his body and physical health, I imagined he exercised daily and had an extremely healthy diet. I clicked through the differential diagnoses in my head. There _were_ other things it could be. I was so absorbed in my thoughts, that it wasn't until I had my hands under the water that I was knocked out of my professional safety zone.

I was about to have my hands on this beautiful man's ball sack. Immediately, the physician within corrected me, I was about to _palpate_ a _patient_'s _scrotum_. Somehow, the distinction didn't help any. The woman within me started melting into a puddle on the floor, while the physician within me wished she could slap that puddle across the face.

When I'd washed my hands long enough to make them practically raw, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and silently repeated the mantra I'd been using as an affirmation ever since I was out of med school.

_You're a real doctor now, Bella Swan. You can do this._

I know, I know. It wasn't the most profound mantra. But it meant a lot to me. My whole life, I'd always had the feeling that I was pretending. Some things I really did pretend at… like I pretended I had a good relationship, which led to pretending I had a stable marriage. But this was no time to re-hash my relationship with James. I wasn't pretending anything, now. I had a scared man whose testicle I had to … palpate. It took a second to force myself to use the correct medical terminology. I would not think of it as fondling. Oh Jesus, I just thought of it as fondling.

I heard the man shift behind me, standing up, I think. "I figured Carlisle would see me. Gianna didn't say anything about another doctor when I made the appointment." No, she hadn't said anything to me either, mystery man, not to me either.

"Dr. Cullen, I mean, Carlisle, is out of town."

"Fuck! I missed their anniversary."

I wondered who Mr. Masen was to my boss. If he knew about Dr. Cullen's wedding anniversary, they must have been very close. Maybe he was the doctor's son-in-law? Carlisle mentioned that he had a daughter about my age. When I turned around, I glanced at Mr. Masen's ring finger… just to investigate my hunch, of course. No ring. Not a son-in-law.

"This should only take a minute Mr. Masen. Could you -"

"I'm sorry, Dr. Swan, but please, hearing you say 'Mr. Masen' sets my teeth on edge. Edward. Call me Edward."

"Sure… Edward." I could _not_ call him Edward. Because, when I said Edward, I had trouble breathing. I'd need to breathe if I was going to perform this exam. When had uttering a first name become so intimate and off-putting? Stop it, Swan!

"So, I know you've done this before." The words seemed to come out of my mouth of their own volition.

I blinked hard. Our eyes connected, and I could swear I saw his eyes twinkle in wry amusement. But his lips were pressed together in a straight, solemn line. This was all wrong.

"Too many times, but this will be my first time with a woman... doctor." I swore I could detect a note of sarcasm in his smooth voice.

"Would you be more comfortable if I had the nurse observe?" I realized that maybe I should have asked this earlier.

"Angela?" he laughed. "No. This is fine, Dr. Swan."

Well, if he didn't want Angela around, what could I do? Pull in Gianna or the Cialis rep? Hardly.

"Could you lift your gown please?"

I was holding my breath… _again_. There, a penis. I'd seen penises before. Admittedly, not half as many as some women my age had. But I'd never seen one, in person, that was so…

Quickly, before my mind could add very complimentary and very inappropriate adjectives, I made sure to look mystery man straight in the eye. See, I was just a doctor and he was my patient. "Could you hold your penis to the side, Mr. Ma-, I mean, Edward?"

He complied, staring at the wall behind me. He had large hands, long fingers and were his nails manicured?

"Which testicle?" I asked, mentally kicking myself, because if I'd read the chart, I would have known.

"The left."

And without giving myself a chance to think further, I took him firmly in my hand. I didn't hesitate, you had to convey confidence and be straightforward and calm with any type of genital exam. I rolled his testicle steadily between my fingers, searching for some irregularity, hoping that mystery man was over-reacting.

I knew it didn't work this way, but still, I wondered how a man like this could have cancer. He was the picture of health. Seriously, I wondered what he did for a living, because he could easily be plastered across the cover of one of those men's fitness magazines. Hell, he could be plastered across the cover of GQ. I would have purchased a copy.

And, as if on cue, Edward Masen decided to make a run for Playgirl. Holy crow. No, I had never seen a penis like this before. I could say that with some certainty. Damn.

To my credit, I didn't gasp, or hold my breath, or even pause while examining his left testicle, while his penis begged for my attention. It was just a normal, physiological response. A very impressive physiological response. And _my_ normal, physiological response was to blush. Beet red. You could have fried eggs on my cheeks.

I let my hair fall over my face a little and hoped that hid _my_ reaction to his… _reaction_.

I knew I should say something to let him know this was just a normal, every day occurrence for an experienced doc like me. "What do you do for a living, Edward?" I hoped that he didn't notice that my voice had cracked.

"I, uh -"

But then my hand froze and I caught my breath. Edward immediately stopped what he was saying.

There, on the external, anterior surface of his testicle was a small, hard, well… lump. A mass. Just like he said.

"You feel it?" he asked, in little more than a whisper. That note of scared-shitless dread was back in his voice. Suddenly, the steel rod in his hand shrunk to a semi.

"Is it tender to the touch?" I was all doctor now. To be honest, I'd never palpated testicular cancer. But I knew what to look for: a mass that was hard, fixed, painless, irregular. Damn! Damn times four.

I looked up into Edward Masen's face, beautiful and crushed. He'd also hoped he'd been wrong.

"Well, you were right. There's something there. I'll write you a script for an ultrasound. Could you stop by Qwest today?"

"Absolutely." Edward dropped his penis and his gown, and fell back into the lab chair in defeat. I stepped back to the sink to quickly rinse my hands.

"And Ben, our tech, should be back any minute. Could you hang out here so he could draw some blood?" I asked, turning back toward my patient.

Edward simply nodded, and eyed the neat pile folded clothing on the countertop. His gray boxer briefs were on top. To his body's credit, I hadn't noticed the underwear until just that moment.

"They should have the results to me within twenty-four hours. But, Edward, if it is cancer, you caught it quickly, thanks to your diligence. Let's not think the worst until we get the results."

"You'll call me as soon as you know?"

"Absolutely."

He managed a weak smile that didn't meet his eyes. "Thanks, doctor."

"Of course. I'll speak with you tomorrow." I opened his chart. "Is this the best number to reach you at?

"No, I'll leave my assistant's number with Gianna. Lauren will be able to track me down and patch you through, no matter what."

"Sure. Take it easy today, and we'll deal with the results tomorrow."

Edward nodded absently, blinking rapidly.

"Do you have someone that could help you get through the next twenty-four hours?"

Edward turned his eyes on me again, and suddenly, I needed a seat too. I didn't need to read his chart. The haunted look I saw there let me know that he'd really been through it last time. In my four short years as a physician, I'd seen the eyes of so many people that were facing death. It would sound poetic, or something, to say they all looked the same. But they didn't. Some were determined, and you could see evidence of the vitality there that would help them fight. Some were resigned and at peace, ready to go gently into that good night. But others, when faced with their own mortality, were scared, shaken to their core. Edward fell into this last category. The intensity of his fear chilled me to the bone.

"I do," he replied under his breath. But, I had gut feeling that he wasn't telling the whole truth and I reached out to grab his hand. He clutched me as if I were a life raft he was holding onto for dear life. Electric warmth shot up my arm, and my skin tingled and I blushed all over again. But now, I was more annoyed at my body than anything else, and tried my best to ignore the inappropriate sensations, instead, giving my undivided attention to my patient.

"Edward, I have a good idea that the reason you're so thorough, is so you could catch things early, in the eventuality that something like this happened. You did just what you set out to do. And actions like yours indicate that you're the type of person that likes to face things head on. As your doctor while Carlisle is out of town, I can help you with that. That's what I'm here for."

I squeezed Edward's hand, and he returned a genuine smile. The crazed light in his eyes had faded to a pleasantly warm flicker.

"If you need to talk today, you could always call the office. I could have reception patch you through." What the hell did I just promise? I still had four other patients waiting, and a more than full afternoon. Why was I saying that I'd prioritize his call? That wasn't _exactly_ what a primary care doctor was there for. But I knew that if Edward took me up on my offer, I would do just that. What in the world would reception think?

"Thank you, Dr. Swan, but I think it will be enough to hear your voice tomorrow."

I should have been relieved, but I wasn't. Actually, I felt a little rejected. I squeezed Edward's hand again, before letting it go and standing to my feet. The sting of the cool, recycled office air was irritating in comparison with the feel of Edward's warm palm against mine.

"Carlisle thinks he's quite lucky to have found you, you know," Edward said out of the blue. The compliment took me by surprise.

"Really? Umm, thanks." My cheeks were getting warm all over again, and it seemed it was my turn to look at the floor.

"Where did you go to school?"

"The University of Washington," I mumbled, unused to discussing myself in the exam room. I glanced up at Edward and his emerald eyes were twinkling again, unexpectedly. He stood quickly to his feet, and his chest was suddenly level with my eyes. I had to crane my neck in order to look at his face. The space between us crackled with electric heat. I'd have to tell Gianna to turn up the air, I thought to myself.

And I had to go. I had people waiting, and I imagined my lunch break must have been just about over. I took a few hasty steps backwards, toward the door.

"Is there anything else?" I asked, searching for the doorknob behind me.

"No," Edward practically laughed. "That's the most dramatic lunch break I've had in ages. I couldn't imagine what else I could possibly add to that unlikely fifteen minutes."

I giggled again. Fucking giggled.

It had only been fifteen minutes. I felt like I'd been in there for fifteen hours.

I managed a polite smile. My cheeks were calming down, and I think I was able to look at Edward Masen in a manner I hoped seemed professional, rather than unhinged.

I held out my hand, the hand that had held his testicle, and my palm itched in anticipation. "Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Masen. I'll talk with you tomorrow."

He took my hand in his, and there it was again. Lightening shot up my arm, from the point of contact. I dropped his hand like it had been a live wire. Edward took a step back, coming flush with the countertop.

Did he feel that too?

With another quick smile, I turned and left the lab, not trusting my mind to bring a coherent string of words to my lips. I walked quickly to the front office, writing a lab rec. on the way.

"Gianna?"

"Dr. Swan." She looked at me critically and a slow smile spread over her face. "So, you met Edward, huh?"

"This is for Mr. Masen. Please make sure he gets it on his way out. And get this rec. to Ben, and let him know that Mr. Masen is waiting in the lab for a draw. And Gianna?"

She raised an eyebrow, not buying my all-business approach for one second.

"I have a feeling I know how Mr. Masen got his emergency appointment at twelve noon in our lab. And while I'm here, I don't care if Brad Pitt waltzes through those doors. No one gets a non-existent appointment without express permission from Dr. Cullen or I. I don't appreciate being surprised."

"But… but, he's -"

"No 'buts' Gianna."

"Whatever you say, Dr. Swan."

I went back to my office and picked up my next chart, thinking Brad Pitt didn't have a thing on Edward Masen. And then I prayed a little, silent prayer that it hadn't been a tumor that I'd felt on his scrotum.

After that, I tried valiantly to force all thoughts of mystery man, Edward Masen, out of my head. Guilt plagued me every time my brain conjured up the picture of his twinkling green eyes and his messy copper hair. But the image would pop into my head unbidden at the most inconvenient times, stopping my train of thought, or stopping me in the middle of a sentence. It only got worse as the day wore on. In fact, as the afternoon turned to evening, and I worked to get the last few patients out the door, it took all of my willpower to keep that disarming lunchtime visit from replaying itself constantly in my mind.

His voice. His eyes. His chest. That sexy half-smile. And then, when his hand touched mine, the fire that roared to life under my skin: like it had been there all along, but only Edward Masen had the match to light it. But, I would _not _think about the exam… that's where I drew the line, and I put all my energy into holding that line. I knew, however, that even if I didn't go there, my feelings were still very, very wrong. Like the drug addict that would do everything except heroin; they were still a drug addict. I would not let Edward Masen become my heroin.

I glanced at the clock. It was 7:54 p.m., and I was finishing up the charts for the day. I'd vowed never to leave an unfinished chart before returning home, but that vow was becoming harder and harder to keep. To make matters worse, I kept bouncing from the charts in front of me to my office email, until I realized what I was doing. I was subconsciously waiting for Mr. Masen's ultrasound report. I was anxious to see the results. Then I'd have to call him with said results.

In fact, I may have been finished with the charts piled up on my desk a while ago if I hadn't done some confirmatory research on testicular cancer. I also went back and reviewed Edward's medical history in detail, to see what he'd gone through when he was nineteen. He'd had Stage III testicular cancer, had his right testicle removed, and had undergone both radiation and chemotherapy. Even with a case as advanced as that though, my research confirmed that the chances of it migrating to his left testicle at this point were somewhere below five percent.

After I read that, I breathed a sigh of relief, but Edward's voice echoed in my head. "I'm not a statistic."

He was right. Those five percent were out there somewhere. One of them could have been the man in my office.

I checked my email again, but there was nothing from the lab. I felt certain Edward would have gone to the lab immediately. But I suppose I'd have to wait until tomorrow.

Just then, my cell phone buzzed. I'd switched it from silent to vibrate after the last patient had cleared out. I pulled it from my pocket and glanced at the screen to see who was calling. For the first time since lunch, I smiled without feeling guilty, and flipped the phone open.

"Baby!"

"It's been a while since you called me baby," a deep voice chuckled. I felt my smile fading a little, wondering if what he'd said was true. "When are you coming home, Bells? I'm trying to keep dinner warm, but this steak's gonna be on par with cardboard pretty soon."

"Hey, Jake. I'm just finishing up. How's Ness?"

"She's watching iCarly."

"iCarly? Jake, she's four, not fourteen."

"She's mature beyond her years. What can I tell you, Bella? Maybe I'll read her some… Tennyson before bed."

Tennyson? Jake must have found the name on the spine of a book in my bookcase. I was pretty sure he didn't read anything except Car and Driver Magazine.

"Can you put her on, Jake?"

"Does that mean you're going to be a while?"

"No, I just want to talk to my baby."

I heard Jake walking into the living room with the phone, and the sound of Miranda Cosgrove singing in the background grew louder. The fact that I knew it was Miranda Cosgrove convinced me that Ness was watching too much T.V. I'd have to put some restrictions in place.

"Mama!" she cheered.

"Ness, how are you?"

"Good. I miss you at work." She exaggerated the emotion in her voice and I ate it up.

"I miss you too, baby."

"I not a baby!"

"I missed my _big girl_ while I was at work."

"You comin' home, mama? Today, I eat food, and I go'ed to the park and I played…" Nessie's voice faded and became more garbled.

"Soon, sweetie. I'm just packing up now," I replied.

"See ya' soon, sweetie," she giggled. Lately, she'd been picking up so many words. I don't think I'd heard her say sweetie before. It was charming.

"Did you just call me sweetie?" I laughed, in that singsong voice you only use with your kid.

"And now you're calling me sweetie?" Jake chuckled. "I'll have to make cardboard steak more often." You could never tell when Ness was going to pass off the phone.

"I'll be home soon, Jake."

"Good deal. See you then. Later, Bells."

As I clicked the phone closed, however, my stomach fell to the floor. All of this time I'd been feeling guilty because it was unethical to be sexually attracted to a patient. Not once had I felt guilty because of Jake. I slammed Edward's chart closed with unnecessary force, and threw it onto my completed pile, even though it would simply show up on my desk tomorrow, along with the results of the ultrasound. But still, it felt satisfying to toss it away.

I dumped the other unfinished charts into a new pile: my new 'I'd get to them tomorrow' pile. I needed to get home to my little girl and my boyfriend. The man was taking care of my daughter and had made me dinner. I took him for granted too often.

I threw my bag over my shoulder, and collected the plastic bag with the vomit shoes, figuring I'd throw them into the dumpster after I left. I sighed. I hated shopping and it would be a hassle to purchase another pair. Maybe I could find them on-line.

Once outside in the muggy August air, I fumbled with the lock and the alarm system. The streets of the Fairmount neighborhood were dark, lined with cherry trees and quiet brownstones, families sequestered quietly inside. A few beads of sweat immediately broke out on my brow. I actually hated this time of year in Philly. The air was so thick and warm that it seemed to have the ability to suffocate, pressing in on you from all sides, still, heavy and uncomfortable. My clothing was always damp and clingy, and my hairline was always moist. Most people high-tailed it out of Philly in August, if they could.

It was this time of year when I'd first moved to Philadelphia with Nessie and Jake. On nights like these, after Nessie was asleep, Jake and I would crawl out of the bedroom window of our cramped, third-floor West Philly apartment. We'd drink Coronas with lime, and talk about how different Philly was from our home back in Western Washington. Philly seemed so scary back then: big, dirty, and imposing. But with Jake and Nessie there, it was still home.

And with Jake next to me on the roof, holding me close, I felt safe. Safer then I'd felt in so many years. Even on the most stifling August nights, I put up with his body heat, because of the soothing effect that his unconditional and cautious love had on me. And after a couple beers, I'd climb back inside, study up for the next day, and wait for Nessie to wake up for her one a.m. feeding.

Back outside of my office, I was shaken from my daydream, when I heard a pair of heavy footsteps coming down the street. Just because Fairmount was pretty and residential, that didn't mean it didn't have its share of crime. Only a week ago, the pharmacy down the street was held up at gunpoint, the assailants looking for Oxycontin. Ever since then, we'd cautioned the staff not to leave alone at night. Yet, here I was.

I slipped around the corner of the building to throw out my shoes with the uncanny feeling that someone was eyeing me from behind. I tried to tell myself that it was all in my head. Ever since James, I tended to be a skittish mess when I was alone. But just to be on the safe side, I mentally rehearsed the eyeball, groin, foot maneuver I'd been taught in self-defense class.

The footsteps came to a stop in front of the office and my heart began to race, trying its damndest to pound right out of my chest. I wondered if I should take off down the smaller deserted side street, or run toward the owner of the footsteps, onto the much busier Fairmount Avenue. I could wave down a passing car, if I had to. Or maybe I should just call 911. I gripped the phone in my pocket.

"Isabella?" a female voice called out. My breath caught in my throat for the umpteenth time that day, but for a very different reason. I knew the voice well, and I steeled myself before turning and walking slowly toward its owner.

The first thing I saw was a shock of red hair.

"Victoria. What are you doing here?"

* * *

**A/N: So, what do you think?**


	2. Chapter 2

**EPOV**

I checked the clock for the tenth time in thirty minutes, as if keeping track of the time would put an end to all my worries. It was 7:54. I didn't feel any better. That strategy wasn't working.

I picked up the remote and tossed it back and forth in my hands, before chucking it back onto the coffee table. I thought about heading to the gym downstairs, but I'd already been there twice… before two thirty this afternoon. Just the fact that I was thinking about exercising again made all of my natural impulses suspect. I didn't want to slip back into that place where I was counting calories and keeping the remote at right fucking angles with the lines on the coffee table. I lined up the remote anyway. And then knocked it to the floor.

Countless therapists had tried to knock sense into my skull over the years. Controlling everything in my life would not guarantee that the cancer wouldn't come back. To make them all happy, I kept my habits in check so they didn't turn truly bizarre, but I'd kept trying anyway, on the sly: from spotless floors, to the perfect body mass index, to a 4.0 GPA, to being the best damn family law attorney in Philadelphia. And now the lump on my ball sack sat there mocking me. It hadn't made a difference at all. Fucking therapists were right all along.

I probably should have gone back to the office. Throwing myself into my work was usually all it took to block out the outside world. It was never wrong to work too hard, according to good old dad. And as much as I'd loathed the bastard, his work ethic was the one thing I'd seemed to inherit. But for some reason, after the visit to the doctor's office, taking that tack didn't seem like the right thing to do.

After Dr. Swan confirmed my worst fucking fears, I'd immediately called Lauren and had her cancel my afternoon and set up an emergency appointment at the nearest lab. Then I went to the gym and pushed myself on the treadmill until I thought I might pass out. And now I'd been back home since three, trying to figure out why I hadn't gone back to the office, and what the hell I was supposed to be doing with myself instead.

Dr. Swan's question echoed in my mind. "Do you have someone that could help get you through the next twenty-four hours?"

The answer should have been yes. Hell, the answer _was _yes. I had a family. And walking into that office today, I fully expected to be surrounded by them within minutes of my admission, patient confidentiality be damned. I guess that was to be expected when your uncle was your doctor. I guess. At least it was to be expected when your uncle was Carlisle Cullen, the same guy that took you in at seventeen, and again at nineteen because you were such a hardheaded fuckup.

To be honest, though, I was relieved that Carlisle was out of the office. My family had already given enough, loved enough… they didn't deserve this shit now, after everything I'd put them through.

And I had Tanya, of course. But I never had any intention of telling her what I discovered in the shower. Unless, of course, it was cancer. I was self aware enough to know that if and when I was forced to tell Tanya, I would have to build a bigger wall between us. One she couldn't knock down. And god knew, she'd try her best to get through. The girl was persistent. Hopefully, it would never come to that.

Oddly enough, after Dr. Swan asked if there was someone I could turn to, my first impulse was to tell her that I'd already turned to her. With just a few kind and clinical words on her part, I felt that she'd gotten more out of me emotionally than anyone had… in many, many years.

And then, even though I told her I'd be fine, she offered me her time in case I needed to talk, like she'd seen right through me. Or like she knew me better than I did. That's when I realized that I must have been more of an emotional mess than I'd guessed. Fuck, I was a grown man. I shouldn't need her to figuratively hold my hand. But, honestly, it felt fucking wonderful when she'd actually held it. She let go, I didn't.

And right now, as I stared out of the floor-to-ceiling windows in my Center City loft, my only impulse was to take Dr. Swan up on her offer. I actually glanced at my cell, and contemplated calling the office. Chances are, she'd left long ago. Even if she were in, the answering service would pick up. Could I have her paged? What would I say when she called back?

The impulse was ridiculous.

No doubt she was just being kind when she said I should call her. And she certainly didn't mean that I should call her at all hours of the night. What _had_ she meant, though? Why would she offer something like that? Had she been serious? To be honest, I didn't know.

I usually prided myself with the ability to read people well. It came in handy in my line of work: the ability to know when people were telling the truth or not, to know what they wanted and what they would believe. But all I could come up with, with regard to Dr. Swan's offer, was that she pitied me. That didn't sit well with me. But still, the only thing I could think about with some consistency was picking up the phone and dialing.

"_If you need to talk today, you could always call the office." _

I picked up my cell and scrolled to the number for Carlisle's practice.

Then I glanced at the clock. 8:07. It was no longer 'today.' I couldn't call. I went back to staring at the clinic's phone number on the screen of my cell. When I looked back at the clock it was 8:17. Fuck. I'd spent ten minutes thinking about calling a doctor. I _was_ more fucked up than I knew.

Truthfully, I hadn't been thinking clearly since my shower this morning. In my desperation, I'd completely forgotten about Carlisle and Esme's mini vacation. I knew he'd hired someone new, but I hadn't paid attention to the particulars, only barely hearing at that last family barbeque that he was pleased to find someone brilliant, with a genuine interest in family medicine.

So when a thin young woman with long, brown hair and enormous eyes walked into the lab room, I was completely taken off guard. I temporarily lost the filter between my brain and my mouth.

"_You're not Carlisle." _

Well, no shit, Sherlock, the beautiful woman in front of me was certainly not my uncle.

And she also, momentarily, made me forget why I wheedled the appointment out of Gianna in the first place. I just felt glad to be there, in the fucking lab of all places, with her. Until she asked why I was there, of course. But there was something about her, or the way she asked, or something. Because when she asked a question, it was as if she'd breached a dam, and the words just came tumbling out of my mouth. It took actual energy to stop myself from speaking.

The only thing I didn't want to confess to was my fucked up relationship with my girlfriend. I'm sure I could have answered Dr. Swan's question about my libido, or however she'd phrased it, and she would have thought nothing of it. But I didn't want to. And she let it go, like she just seemed to know. She was good.

But the one thing that rubbed the wrong way was how she kept calling me 'Mr. Masen." Mr. Masen would forever remind me of my father. Perhaps I should have considered that when I made a point of keeping my last name after he died. Over the years I thought to change it, but I was stubborn, and now I was thirty-two. I couldn't exactly change it now, I wasn't P. Diddy or Sean Jean, or whatever the fuck he called himself these days.

So, Dr. Swan started calling me Edward, like I'd asked.

"_Edward." _

Holy fuck. To be blatantly honest, I'd spent some time this afternoon thinking about Dr. Swan calling me Edward. I did find a few things to do with my day off.

I had tried to reign myself in after she said my name. I knew the exam was coming. I thought of my dad. I thought about detox. I thought about the squat off Baltimore and fifty-second where Alice found me, fucked up and near dead. But I couldn't get away from the fact that this woman had called me Edward in a way that made me hear my own name for the first time. That made every fiber of my body know that I was called Edward. And no matter that I was naked from the waist down because I thought my fucking cancer was back, of all the fucked up shit, it was still _her_ warm hand that was very firmly, very thoroughly, rolling my balls back and forth…

With my hand on my dick and her hand on my ball sack, it was inevitable. It took about two seconds before I was standing in front of her with a raging hard-on. She blushed and tried to hide her face, and I had the ridiculous desire to brush her hair behind her ear. I had a little bit of good sense left, though, and didn't try a stunt like that. I certainly didn't want her to think that she'd done anything to give me any ideas. She hadn't. But fuck, after I'd gotten hard, she said my name again, and it was all I could do not to cum right there.

She nearly pushed me over the edge without even trying. I think she was just trying to make me feel comfortable. She'd asked where I worked. Fuck.

"_What do you do for a living, Edward?"_ That was all it took.

Really though, I wondered if she'd never encountered a man with a hard-on. Normal, everyday conversation was difficult to maintain in that state. But I would have tried to recite the Pledge of Allegiance if she'd asked.

Instead, before I could muster an answer of some sort, she felt the lump.

Motherfucking cancer.

At that moment, I'd resisted the primal urge to crawl into Dr. Swan's lap and cry. That would have been one for the history books. Instead, I attempted to deal with things as I usually do, and usually, I handled things very, very well. That first time when I was nineteen, when I'd woken up to see Esme sitting next to the hospital bed, I'd overheard the doctor say to Carlisle that I was a cool customer.

But today, and now I'd gone full circle in my thinking, Dr. Swan asked if I had anyone to turn to. I had many people, but in that moment, I felt like I had no one at all.

And maybe, I was dying, again. And it all seemed like such a fucking waste.

The cool customer had vanished this morning after my shower, and I think in that moment, in Dr. Swan's presence, maybe she erased him forever.

The front door shut quietly, distracting me from my thoughts, and I heard the quiet click of heels on the hardwood floor. Shit.

"Edward?"

I took a deep breath. More clicks in my direction.

"Edward? Edward, why didn't you answer me?"

"Sorry, hun. I was distracted."

I looked up to see Tanya staring down at me. Her long strawberry blond curls framed her face, and I couldn't see her eyes because she was still wearing her sunglasses. She had on a white silk tank, and a little pink skirt, her feet encased in strappy high-heeled sandals. Tanya hardly left the house without wearing a mini and heels, because she said her long legs helped her close deals. I had no doubt about that.

Tanya took off her sunglasses and looked suspiciously at the blank T.V. screen and the lack of any reading material or electronic devices within arms' reach. But she didn't ask what I was distracting myself with. She knew better.

"How was your day, Edward?"

"Fine. And yours?"

Tanya threw herself down on the couch at my side and began kicking off her heels.

"You wouldn't believe what Kate and I went through getting a camel for that kid's party this Sunday. I mean, I told the mom that we don't do birthdays, but she was insistent, you know? She said it would be like a bar mitzvah, so we should do it. And well, she paid like a bar mitzvah, so what the hell, right? But it's all last minute. She lives in one of those big old places up by your parents. And I've somehow got to get a camel up there! Turns out camels don't do Philly in August. I might have found one in D.C., but it's gonna cost like a thousand dollars. You better believe I'm adding a commission on for that. A camel commission."

The stream of words spewing from Tanya's mouth dried up, and Tanya glanced at me to see if I was listening.

"Hmm," I replied, noncommittally.

"Which makes me wonder why _we're_ doing Philly in August. It's like a swamp out there," Tanya whined.

"Don't you have events planned through the end of the month?"

"Here and there," she answered, scooting closer, rubbing the back of my neck. "We _could_ sneak to the shore for a few days. Kate and I could cover for one another. We could probably get Alice to help, if we needed it."

I don't know why Tanya's idea was alarming, but it was. I had to put an end to it before she went too far. The neck rubbing, the shore, Alice, everything.

"I can't think about all that right now, Tanya," I growled, pushing her hand away and standing to my feet. I stalked into the kitchen, avoiding her eyes that I knew were watching me like a hawk. She was a smart girl, and I'm sure she knew something was wrong. But after five years, she also knew she'd get about as much out of me as she would from that animal she was trying to book for her party. I rifled through the refrigerator, but came out with only a bottle of water, slamming the door shut. I couldn't think about food. Just the thought of chemo made me ill, and suddenly angry.

"Well, _when_ can you think about it, Edward? There are like fifteen days left in the month of August."

"Sixteen," I corrected. "Thirty-one days in the month."

Tanya scowled. She hated when I did shit like that. I knew the length of the month wasn't the point. "Jesus, you'd think I was talking about oral surgery. I just want to go away with you."

"Why the _hell_ would I want to do that, Tanya?"

I heard the air whoosh out of Tanya's lungs, and she froze where she sat, a look of shock painted on her face.

"I'm not arguing with you," she murmured, standing to her feet and smoothing her skirt before making her way toward the hallway. "I just got home, for god's sake." Her eyes were glittery and I knew she was trying not to cry.

"Shit, Tanya, I'm sorry," I said, crossing the room and gently taking her hand. I was suddenly shocked into some kind of awareness. I looked down at my hand holding Tanya's. It was just a hand; it wasn't reassuring, it was just a thin, damp hand in mine. I looked at Tanya's face, and it didn't look like she was comforted by the contact either. She eyed me warily. But she still couldn't bring herself to ask what I could sense was on the tip of her tongue. Probably something along the lines of, "What the fuck is going on with you?" Like I said, she was smart. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that I didn't answer questions like that. Unless your name was Dr. Swan, I guess.

And for the first time in a while, I felt really bad about what I was doing here, with Tanya. She may have known what she was getting into when she ended up with me, but she didn't deserve the shit I was throwing her way.

"Are you okay, baby?" she asked. Was _I_ okay? I'd just jumped down her throat. I should be the one asking her. Why was everything suddenly backwards?

That was easy. Two words: Possible. Cancer.

For a second, I tried to imagine what would happen if I opened up to Tanya and told her what was going on. But I couldn't even imagine what that would look like. And, after that second, I didn't want to give it any more thought, because I knew that no matter Tanya's reaction, it wouldn't make me feel any better.

"I'm fine. I have work, though. I'm going to go lock myself in the office for a while."

I squeezed Tanya's hand, leaving her in the hall.

"Did you eat?" she called out.

"Yeah, babe. Sorry. I, uh… I picked something up on the way home."

"Oh, okay."

I didn't eat. It was a lie. I couldn't eat. And I hadn't thought to make anything for Tanya. I was a shit.

In the office, I threw myself into my favorite chair in the world, and rolled across the room to my desk. This chair was better than the one I had back at the office, even. Custom made for my contours. Loved it. Slept in it, from time to time. I noticed it felt more comforting than Tanya's hand, although if I had any kind of sensitivity at all, I would have realized that, like, years ago.

Staring at the computer on my desk, the thought of work suddenly made me feel queasy. On a whim, I pulled up iTunes, and it only took a couple seconds to have everything my mom ever recorded displayed in front of me: twenty-two reasonably priced electronic downloads.

I chose the last one, and watched it download. I was too little to talk about stuff like this back then, but I knew from the date of publication, that she must have already known about the cancer when she recorded it.

I clicked on the download, and sounds of Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 filled the room. I turned down the volume so Tanya wouldn't hear.

I wondered how it felt when mom held dad's hand back then. What did she do when they told her it might be cancer? Who did she tell?

My father, probably. Carlisle and Esme? Maybe. She told me, eventually, when she knew she was dying. And she comforted me and told me she'd always be there. But the sentiment didn't do much good after she was gone. If she were there, she did nothing to make my father act like a father and take a minute to give a fuck about his son. Don't get me wrong; I didn't hold it against her. She was dead, there wasn't a thing she could really fucking do. It was sentiments like that, "I'll always be there for you," that got you into trouble. Made you rely on feelings when the only thing you could rely on was yourself.

I looked at the time in the corner of the computer screen. After taking the afternoon off, I knew I had work to get through before I passed out. But instead, I pulled up the homepage for Carlisle's practice, clicking on random buttons, until I got the courage to open the biographies page. Carlisle's carefully quaffed head of blond hair practically gleamed, even on the screen. I held my breath and scrolled down. Alistair smiled in his droll way, like he was looking right into my eyes.

It had been over six months since Alistair retired; Carlisle needed to get on top of this shit. Of course, he'd tell me that the human interactions between him and his patients are what mattered, that something like that couldn't be transmitted electronically. In fact, it was only a couple of years ago that he launched a website for his office in the first place. And I guess it worked for him. His practice had been booming for as long as I could remember.

While my mind was off thinking about Carlisle's website, of all things, my hand had navigated to Google. I hesitated, letting it sink in that, in five minutes, I'd gone from insensitive fuck to cyber stalker. Then typed the words:

"Dr. Swan, Philadelphia"

And there it was, at the top of the list of results:

**Meet the Residents at Philadelphia CHOP 2009**

I didn't hesitate this time. I immediately clicked on the link. And there she was. A picture, for fuck's sake. She had the same thick, wavy hair that seemed to bounce around her shoulders, make-up free, flawless skin, and those eyes. Those enormous brown eyes that seemed to know me through and through, even though we'd just met. God, I had a crush on my doctor. Dr. Isabella Swan.

**Isabella Swan**

**Medical School: University of Washington**

**Undergraduate: Evergreen University**

**Interests: cooking, classic literature, and classic cars**

There was a knock on the office door and I quickly clicked off the webpage.

"Emmett's on the phone," Tanya said, cracking the door open and handing me the cordless.

I smiled absently, pushing the chair back across the room to take the phone. Tanya tossed it to me, smiling, trying to make light of everything that had happened since she'd been home. "Love you," she silently mouthed. I tried to smile back at her, but I don't know if it worked.

"Why did you call the house phone?"

"Nice to talk to you too, Edward. Why not the house phone?"

"I don't know, Emmett. Just call me on my cell."

"Whatever, dude. Hey, just checking in about lunch tomorrow. We still on?"

Lunch, fuck. Would I have heard back from Dr. Swan by then? Dr. _Isabella_ Swan? Could I even eat lunch? The mere thought of it made me want to hurl. I toyed around with the computer and brought Dr. Swan's picture back up on the screen.

"That's the sweet sound of Edward standing me up," Emmett chuckled.

"It's not standing you up unless I leave you waiting, without warning."

"Listen, the game's on right now, Edward. I don't have all night here. Are we still catching lunch tomorrow or what?"

"I'll see you tomorrow, Emmett. Sushi on twenty-second and Spring Garden?"

"Sushi? Edward…"

Well, chances are I wouldn't eat a thing. "What would you prefer then, Emmett?"

"Bishop's Collar?"

"A bar?"

"A pub. There's a difference. And that Kobe burger they make with the fried onions and mushrooms…" his voice trailed off in mouthwatering ecstasy. My stomach, however, turned violently with his description, reinforcing the idea that I wouldn't be eating.

"Sure, fine, I'll meet you there," I agreed

"Really? Good deal!"

At that moment, my cell buzzed to life. I glanced down at the screen to see a little pixie with spiky black hair grinning mischievously, and I smiled for the first time since leaving Dr. Swan earlier in the day.

"Okay, Emmett. I'll see you tomorrow. I've got Alice on the other line."

"Sure, sure... game's back on anyway. Night, dude."

"Night, Emmett."

I clicked the house phone off, and put my cell up to my other ear. "Alice?"

"Hey, big brother."

Alice made it a point to call me brother, even though we were cousins. When she did it to my face, I rolled my eyes in response. But in reality, it always felt a little off calling Alice and Emmett cousins, when they were so much more.

"What's new, pixie?"

"I was calling to see how you're holding up. I would have called earlier, but I was stuck in a meeting with a buyer all afternoon."

Alice had a sixth sense about this shit. I didn't even jump anymore when she asked stuff like this. She just seemed to know when something was up.

"I'm just tired, Alice."

"You're never tired, Edward." There wasn't a hint of amusement in her voice anymore.

"There's a difference between not sleeping and not being tired."

"Then maybe you should go to bed and try sleeping, as an experiment or something," she suggested.

I glanced at the clock on the computer screen. Tanya would probably be getting ready for bed about now. Most people on the east coast were probably getting ready for bed about now.

"So you called to tell me to go to bed?" I tried laughing, but it sounded off.

"I called to see if you wanted to talk."

"Well, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, sis, but the answer's no."

Alice sighed in frustration on the other end of the phone and mumbled something under her breath that I couldn't quite hear. "Well, don't forget about the party on Sunday."

I'd completely forgotten about the party on Sunday. Alice was throwing Carlisle and Esme a surprise anniversary party, at their house. The plan was to have everyone there ahead of time, waiting to yell surprise when Carlisle and Esme drove back up from the shore. I can't say it was the best idea; I certainly wouldn't react well to that shit. But trying to get Alice to back down once she had her mind set on something was like trying to stop the tide, during a tsunami.

"I forgot. But, Tanya would have reminded me. She doesn't miss shit like this."

"Just put it into your Blackberry or something, okay?

"Sure, Alice."

"I mean it."

"But Tanya will… No, actually, you're right. She's got some elephant party on Sunday, or something. I don't think she's going to make it."

"The desert-themed party with the _camel_ is right down the street from the house. She'll make it, she'll just be late." I didn't ask Alice how she knew all that. For your own sanity, it was best not to ask. It was technically possible that Tanya or Kate talked to her about it already. Technically.

"They'll miss you if you're not there, Edward. Please just listen to me, and put it in your Blackberry."

"When have I not listened to you, sis?"

Alice grumbled on the other end of the line, but it was good-natured. "Go to bed, Edward. Sleep. You can't begin to imagine how good it feels."

"Goodnight, Alice."

Alice was right. I never listened to her advice. But I did put the party info into my Blackberry. I heard Tanya throwing stuff around in the bedroom, banging drawers, opening and closing the bathroom door. It was my cue, her subtle way of letting me know she was going to bed. She didn't ask anymore. She just slammed things opened and closed.

So, I got to work, checked my emails and reviewed my notes for the Hannigan deposition in the morning. I managed to completely distract myself from everything: cancer, Tanya and Dr. Isabella Swan, until I turned off the computer at three a.m.

I crawled into bed quietly, hoping not to disturb Tanya. I could see a hint of pink lace nightgown peeking out from underneath the thin satin sheet. I couldn't get over the fact that she actually slept in shit like that. Well, it's not like I was giving her much else to do in it lately.

But, despite my best efforts at being all cat-like and stealthy, Tanya half opened her eyes and rolled over, draping her hand over my bare chest, running her fingers through my chest hair.

"Not tonight, Tanya," I whispered, moving her hand away.

Tanya's eyes shot open like I'd slapped her or something; glowing blue, hurt and pissed as fuck. "Well, when the hell is it going to be, Edward? Let me know and I'll mark it on my calendar," she snapped. Then she flung herself around to face in the opposite direction, pulling the satin sheet tightly around her body.

I sighed in relief and stared at the ceiling, waiting to get up and go to the gym in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**BPOV**

"Victoria, what are you doing here?"

"Hi, Isabella."

Victoria's smile was strained as she walked towards me. I credited the humid August night with making her mop of red curly hair wilder than ever. She was dressed in black from head to, well, mid-thigh. She was wearing a black tank and a tight black skirt, with several long, silver chains around her neck, and a wristful of beaded bracelets. And even though the temperature was hovering near ninety, Victoria had on her signature heavy, brown knee-high boots. God, she'd had those since I first met her back in that tiny bar in Olympia.

I'd been a timid undergrad, and Victoria had been traveling with the band. She was straddling some guy with long dreads that was fondling one of her breasts, breezily smoking a clove cigarette. She didn't even bother to stand up when she spotted her brother walking her way. Back then, James and I had barely shared an open-mouthed kiss, and there was James' sister, half-naked in a bar. The whole scene left me slightly nauseous, and I wasn't sure if it was the liquor, or the smell of cigarettes, or James' sister's exposed breast, but I quickly excused myself and ran into the filthy, graffiti covered restroom, and promptly threw up in the backed up toilet.

When I came back, Victoria was at least completely clothed, and James laughed and made some allusion to his backwoods, country girlfriend.

Tonight, Victoria was as nonplussed as ever, walking calmly towards me, smiling, with her arms held out like we were old friends and she was going to embrace me in a warm, girlish hug. Or like the last time I'd seen her hadn't been in the courtroom, where she was lying through her teeth in James' defense. My skin crawled with the thought of both the potential hug and the courtroom scene. I stepped backwards towards the office, feeling for the brick wall.

Victoria quickly assessed my actions and stopped in her tracks. She'd had that ability since I first met her: the ability to size me up with just a glance. That first night in the bar, she'd quickly looked me over and guessed that I could easily be ignored. She'd been right, I _was_ more comfortable that way. But tonight she folded her arms across her chest, and her smile changed from falsely welcoming to honestly menacing. I stared back with wide eyes, glad she saw that I wasn't the same pushover I'd been all those years ago.

"I asked what you were doing here." I was pleased that my voice sounded a lot more secure than it did any other time I'd spoken to Victoria.

"Well, you know I've been living in New York for the past six months."

"Why would I know that?" All I knew was that Victoria moved around a lot. I hadn't kept track of her whereabouts when I was married to James, let alone now.

"I've been in New York since just after New Year's."

"That doesn't explain why you're here. _Now_." I clutched my phone, but aside from chucking it at her head, it wasn't going to help me in this situation. I could hardly call the police to say my ex sister-in-law wanted to talk to me. And Jake had Nessie at home. Hell, even if I threw the phone, I'd probably miss. I had terrible aim. Once again, I fell back on those self-defense moves, wondering idly if the crotch shot would work as well on a female assailant.

"I'm helping my friend with an installation at the Art Museum. I figured that since I was in the neighborhood, I'd stop by."

Well, Carlisle's office was only about five blocks from the museum, an easy walk… but something in her explanation didn't sit right. Then it hit me. Holy hell! Carlisle hadn't updated the practice's website yet. I'd been here just three weeks. My body caught up to my brain in less than a second. My heart began pounding again, my ears were ringing, and suddenly, an ice-cold sweat replaced the damp warmth on my skin.

"How did you know where to find me?"

"Well, you know," she purred, "I keep my ear to the ground." Victoria's face lit in triumph, as if she'd won something with my realization.

"What in the _hell_ are you doing here, Victoria?" I stomped my foot and the rubber sole of my track shoe thumped mildly on the pavement. Victoria looked as if she might laugh.

"Listen, Bella," Victoria said in a cheery voice, like this was the most normal meeting in the world. I shuddered hearing her use my nickname. She had no right to call me 'Bella' after the things she'd said about me in court. "I'm here because I thought this would be better coming from me. In person." Victoria was very pleased with herself.

The surface of my skin stung as if thousands of little needles were pricking me, and I forced myself to continue to stand and stare Victoria down. I searched for something within myself that would give me strength, because I knew that whatever she was about to say was going to be very, very bad. My little doctor mantra wouldn't do me any good now.

"What is it?" My voice didn't shake, at least.

"James is moving."

The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. And I felt sick. Very sick. Warm air filled my lungs, but it didn't leave. With the combined weight of my fear and the humidity, it was as if I couldn't breathe. "Where?" My question was little more than a breath this time. All of my pretend swagger had been wiped away. He couldn't be coming_ here_, could he?

"He's moving to Trenton, Isabella."

"Trenton." The word seemed to roll around in my mouth, and I gulped, swallowing it back down. My stomach lurched again, and I wrapped my arms around myself, as if that would protect me. Trenton was about fifty miles away. Shit.

"He got a job there," Victoria chirped. "A good job. Finally. After what you did to him."

After what_ I_ did to _him_? My hands clenched themselves into fists, and I took a step in her direction, surprising both of us.

"He's_ not_ moving to Trenton because he got a job there."

"Think what you want."

"Did _he_ send you here?" It would be just like James to try to frighten me.

"Absolutely not." Victoria stood taller and all of the menace that had been lacing her words disappeared. "My brother doesn't know anything about my visit. This was my idea, since I'm in the neighborhood and all. James would never attempt contact through me." Any attempt by James to contact me through a third party wouldn't look good, legally speaking. Who knew she was a groupie well versed in the law?

I mimicked Victoria's actions and stood to my full height, attempting to look every millimeter of my five feet four inches, and looked her squarely in the eye. "Why are you here, Victoria?"

"I'm here to break it to you easy, Isabella."

I managed a short laugh. "Right. Thanks." James was coming. "When?"

"A couple weeks. He wants to be in on the first of the month. Isabella, I don't know what happened between you guys, but -"

"Then maybe you shouldn't have stood up in court to say you did," I interrupted. She was making me very angry now, and my hand clenched around the cell in my pocket. The only thing that held me back from swinging it at her was the knowledge that I needed that phone in one piece for work.

"Fine, Isabella. You want the truth? You ruined my brother's life with your legal drama back in Seattle. And now he's on his way over here, to do I don't know what. And if you attempt any of that crap again, if you break him like that again -"

"Me? Break _him_? You're so full of shit, you know that, Victoria? He hit me while I was pregnant with his child. _He_ broke _my_ leg. He deserved more than he got, by a long shot. So you just take your not-so veiled threats back to New York with whatever druggie boyfriend you're fucking these days, and stay the hell away from me!"

"You little bitch."

Victoria stalked closer. _Eyes, crotch, toes, eyes, crotch, toes_, I thought to myself… it was my new mantra. I'd dropped that useless doctor one like a hot potato.

"Get the hell out of here, Victoria." My voice only shook a little. _Eyes, crotch, toes_. _Eyes, crotch, toes._

"Or what? You'll get a bogus restraining order on me like you got for my brother?"

I pulled the phone out of my pocket like I was brandishing a gun. "I swear Victoria, I'm this close to calling the police."

For some reason, that broke the spell that had fallen over her. Victoria took three long strides away from me, but held her ground at the edge of the sidewalk, under the glare of the streetlight. It made her crazy hair glow all yellow and orange, like her head was on fire. If only.

"Whatever, Isabella. I'm sure I'll be seeing you around." She gave a jaunty, self-assured wave of her hand, and continued down the street towards Center City. I didn't move until I saw her turn the corner three blocks down. As soon as she disappeared from sight, I hightailed it to my car and quickly locked the doors and gripped the steering wheel. That's when the tears came… and the shaking, and the hyperventilating.

"What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck…." I mumbled, punching the steering wheel. "Damn it. Damn it!"

I thought about calling Jake again, but I knew there was nothing he could do at home with Ness. I'd just worry him.

In fact, there was _nothing_ I could do, I quickly realized. The protective order against James expired years ago. There was no law against him taking a job in another state, fifty miles away. He hadn't even tried to get in touch with me.

Yet.

I had no doubt that if Victoria knew where I worked, so did James. Which meant that he'd had me followed. I glanced in the rearview mirror, as if whoever it was would be standing there, out in the open. But the street was empty. I wanted to wait until I calmed down and stopped shaking to drive, but if James knew where I worked, chances are he knew where I lived as well.

I had to get home to Nessie.

I sped back to Bella Vista, praying not to get pulled over. That would be my limit, I thought: the thing that would push me over the edge. Who was I kidding, though? I was shaking uncontrollably with silent tears blurring my vision. I'd spent four years on the edge, and it had only taken a little visit from Victoria to push me over.

I calmed down a bit by the time I made it back to my neighborhood. But in another stroke of bad luck, there wasn't a parking spot in sight. I broke down all over again as I circled the neighborhood looking for parking, driving by my brownstone again and again, feeling more helpless with each pass. I couldn't even find a parking space for my car! I was pathetic. Just when I thought I'd pulled everything together and made a life for my daughter and myself, James was going to try to ruin it all. I'd been so sure that we were safe and secure.

I felt anything but safe and secure as I finally parked the car and rushed into the house, dead bolting the door, activating the alarm system and wiping my eyes. But turning around, I realized that the maelstrom was only in my head. In contrast, the house looked serene. All the lights on the first floor were off, save the stovetop light in the kitchen at the back of the house.

Like most Philly row homes, our house was narrow and long, and renovators had long since knocked down all walls on the first floor in order to create a more modern, open floor plan.

My Little Ponies and random stuffed animals littered the floor in the front living area, and looked like they might have been assembled for a tea party. A laptop glowed on the large table in the dining area. I could hear the faint sounds of some reality T.V. show drifting up from the finished basement. Nessie and I had all the room we needed up here, so the basement had turned into a sort of den for Jake. There was a large T.V. and a mini bar up in the front, and the back room had become his workshop.

I took a deep, cleansing breath. Everything was the way it should be. Nothing had changed. For now, my safe little world was unharmed. I tugged off my track shoes, leaving them in the little rack off to the side of the door, left my bags on the dining room table, and padded back to the kitchen. I found a plate on the counter top with a grilled strip steak, a baked potato, and a side of carrots, covered with plastic wrap. Jake was a real meat and potatoes kind of guy. Luckily I had a constitution that could handle that kind of thing, but I did have lingering worries about my heart, especially if we kept this diet up.

"Is that you, Bells?" Jake called from the basement.

"Yep," I replied, munching on a carrot. It felt wrong in my stomach though, and I carefully re-covered the plate, and looked for space for it in the fridge.

"Bells?" I heard Jake's heavy steps on the stairs. "What's happened, babe?"

Was I such a mess that he could tell something was up, from just my one syllable reply?

"You said you were coming right home," he added. Oh, right. I was late.

Jake emerged from the basement wearing a tight white, grease stained T-shirt and a pair of loose fitting sleep pants. His dark brown eyes looked me over, and when he was satisfied that I was in one piece, he smiled and made it over to me in three big steps.

His smile was always so big and bright that it had the ability to light up a room. It was the first thing that ever attracted me to him, in that way. That's not to say he wasn't attractive, overall. With his reddish-tan skin, broad shoulders, and his bodybuilder physique, well, let's just say I'd seen plenty of women checking him out on the street, even when he was holding my hand. But that's not what pulled me in with Jake.

"You're staring, Bella. Are you so hungry you can't move, or have I blinded you with my beauty?"

Normally, I would have chuckled. Tonight, my smile felt weak on my face.

"You're _not_ okay, are you?" Jake took another step, closing the space between us, and held the back of my head in his big hand. His warmth seeped under my skin, and I had the sensation that I was losing myself, drifting off into a place where I was safe and cared for. But, no, there was something I had to say… I wasn't as safe as I'd thought.

I disentangled Jake's hand from my hair and took a step away.

"Something happened after work."

"Shit! Bella, where you mugged?" Jake's eyes frantically evaluated me again, and again, he moved to take hold of me. But I needed to think clearly, and I placed my hand on his chest in order to keep some space between us.

"Victoria was outside when I left work tonight."

Jake paused, thinking, and then his eyes went bright with shock. "Victoria, as in -"

"Victoria Hunter, James' sister."

"What the hell?" I watched Jake's concern flicker and change to anger. He clenched his jaw and his fists, and I watched his eyes scanning the room, as if he was looking for something to hit.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm fine."

"What the hell did she want?" I knew Jake wasn't angry with me, and I knew he would never do anything more than slam a door or punch a wall, but watching his building rage left me feeling desperate. After living with James, anger of any kind was unsettling, even when it was warranted.

"Here, let's sit." I grabbed Jake's hand and walked him over to the table, pulling him into a chair. He scooted his chair closer to me, and his breath was warm and damp and malty-smelling on my face.

And then, face to face with Jake as he was breathing deep and steady in an attempt to control his mounting anger, I was scared again, but for a completely different reason. When Jake had to deal with this four years ago, he'd been so gentle and kind with Nessie and I. But later, he told me that it was just because we needed him more than anything. And I _had_ needed him. For the little things, you know, like walking, and driving, and taking care of my daughter, and well, even for washing. But he'd confessed that if I'd been in better shape, he would have found James and killed him. It was as simple as that, he'd said.

And god knows, I wasn't trying to protect Victoria or James, but I couldn't have my boyfriend going rogue. I had a life here. A good one. As much as I didn't want to deal with James again, I couldn't bear it if Jake ended up in trouble.

I'd been staring at the tabletop. Jake squeezed my hand. "Hey, Bells, you're driving me crazy here. You've got to tell me what that bitch wanted."

I squeezed my eyes shut. "James is moving to Trenton," I said quietly.

The table jumped and its legs clattered over the hardwood, and I knew Jake must have punched it. The legs of his chair scraped angrily against the floor. I opened my eyes, and he was across the room, his back to me, staring out the large front window. It almost looked like he was shaking.

I jumped up from my chair and ran across the room, placing my hands on his shoulders. "Jake."

He didn't answer.

"Jake, Jake, Jake. Please, nothing happened."

"Are you fucking kidding me? He's going to live right across the river. Don't tell me you're naive enough to think this is a coincidence."

"Jake, shh, it's okay." I tried my best to sound soothing, very aware that somehow, I was trying to calm him. A little voice in my head piped up and said that didn't seem exactly fair, but I pushed it aside.

"_Okay_?" Jake spun around and faced me. "He's a dead man."

"Stop it! Don't talk like that."

"It's not talk, Bells. After everything he did. I could never live with myself if I let him hurt you or Ness again."

"He won't. Nessie and I need you. You getting all angry and violent… that's probably, exactly what he wants. We'll figure this out, but I can't have you walking around talking about murder while you take care of my baby."

"I'm never going to let him come back and hurt you again," Jake rumbled, his dark eyes flashing in the dim light. "Not like I did last time. I know better, now." Regret, as deep and strong as a rushing river, seemed to fill the room, and I watched as Jake struggled to maintain his composure.

When Jake had showed up for a surprise visit in Seattle four years ago, he found me very pregnant, with a black eye and a bandage around my wrist. Jake had made me go down to the courthouse to file an order of protection and then he stayed with me when I went into early labor the next day. He was the first person, besides the doctors and I, to see Ness.

But afterwards, when I was home and settled, and my mom came up to stay for a few days, he'd gone back to Forks, leaving me to live my life. But James didn't care about some protective order, or my life for that matter; he had unfinished business. He paid me a visit the day my mom left. And afterwards, with my mom on a plane to Florida, I had the social worker call Jake, instead. He showed up at the hospital with a look in his eyes identical to the one I saw now. Like it had all been his fault, and he'd do whatever it took to make it right.

"Nothing like that is going to happen to me, Jake."

"I won't let it."

"Neither will I," I added.

Jake paused for a beat. "Wait, Bells, how did she find you?" My eyes connected with Jake's. I started to shake again, and sank onto the couch. "I'll call out tomorrow," he murmured. Jake's voice was a rough whisper. I went to grab his hand, but it was balled into a fist, again.

"And what, then? Guard the house? Follow me around? Go to camp with Nessie? He's not even here yet." I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands. The pressure and the darkness were slightly comforting. I felt the cushions shift next to me as Jake sat down, and then he gently pried my hands away so that I could look at him.

His eyes searched mine, and I knew he was only angry because underneath, he couldn't take it if something happened to Nessie and I. "What am I supposed to do with this information, Bella? Am I just supposed to sit here like an idiot?"

"You're supposed to do what you always do. If we let him upset our lives, he'll be winning."

"I didn't think it was a contest."

"It's not. It's my life, and I've worked to make it as un-fucked up as possible. And I won't let James change that."

Jake put his big arms around me and pulled me in for a hug, and I let him this time, losing myself in the feel of his strength, just letting everything go black and calm in his warm embrace. I rested my forehead against his shoulder, and let my body finally go limp. His touch had the ability to make everything go away, and I relaxed into that feeling of quiet emptiness, like I was at least in the eye of the storm.

And what a storm it had been. My emotions had been whipsawed ever since noon, and I was completely spent. I thought about the disarming lunchtime visit with that patient, and shivered. When I'd touched Edward Masen, it was almost the opposite of what I felt now in Jake's arms. Like he'd managed to switch on the electricity underneath my skin. I didn't think that guy could ever take things away; he jolted me awake, and made that dingy lab look brighter and more vivid. Maybe that was the difference between lust and love, I thought idly.

A wave of guilt washed over me, strong enough to knock me out of my Jake-induced calm. I was thinking about that patient, _again_. You know, Swan, I reminded myself, the one who came in to the office because he might have _cancer_. And I was thinking about him while I was in Jake's arms, while I still hadn't seen my daughter.

I pulled away from Jake's sweaty embrace.

"I've got to see Ness."

"Hey, hey, she only went down a few minutes before you got home. You might wake her."

I pulled my hand from his and stood, smiling ruefully, before turning to the stairs. "I'm not going to wake her. I'll be right back."

xXxXx

Nessie's door was at the top of the stairs, facing our tiny backyard, or our concrete slab, as Jake liked to affectionately call it. She'd picked her bedroom out the first time we'd seen the house, over a year ago. Nessie had run into the room, which had been painted dark blue with airplane trim, and called out, "This one mine! My room." Then she turned in a circle, taking in the walls. "But, it boo," she whined, before she'd started to cry.

But tonight, as I gently pushed Nessie's door open, everything inside reflected the little girl she was. From the pinkish-purplish paint, to the Disney princess bedspread, to the pastel polka-dotted curtains, we'd let her decorate the way she wanted. There were Tinker Bell and ballerina decals on the walls, at Nessie's eye level, of course. And there was a plastic Pink Minnie Mouse that my mom had mailed her for Christmas, in its place of worship, on top of her little bookshelf. The little bookshelf that Jake made for her in his basement workshop.

Nessie was sleeping soundly, her little hands clenched under her head, her knees pulled up to her chest. Her springy brown curls were damp and plastered to her forehead, and her plump little cheeks were pink, even in the dim light from her Ariel nightlight.

I still couldn't believe that she'd already outgrown her toddler bed. Just last weekend we'd bought her a twin sized, big girl bed. She'd picked out one with little wooden animals carved on the headboard and footboard. She looked so small in the new bed, and on an impulse, I slipped myself onto the mattress and curled up with her. She snuggled into me in her sleep, so soft and warm, her breath still sweet like a baby's.

I drifted off into a pleasant place in Nessie's bed, a place that ebbed and flowed with each of her even little breaths, until a shadow blocked the light coming in from the hall. I looked up to see Jake smiling down at us, concern still lighting his dark brown eyes. "Come on, Bells. Let her sleep."

"I'm not bothering her, Jake," I whispered. "I'm just going to stay here for a while. I need to spend some time with her, after everything."

Jake didn't push me. He never did. From the moment I called him back to Seattle, he'd pushed the legal system, pushed hospital staff, pushed James literally, once, but never me. Instead, Jake was so careful with me. Which was good. Back then, with my leg in traction and an infant I couldn't take care of, I was in very real danger of shattering into a thousand little pieces. Jake, very carefully, held it all together and allowed me the quiet healing time that I needed.

And he took all of the enthusiastic attention that he couldn't lavish on me, and threw it into Nessie's care. I was just an empty shell, stunned by too sudden motherhood and my own failure. But Jake was vital and full of life, and Nessie loved him from the very beginning.

I curled protectively around Nessie, as if my proximity could ensure that James couldn't break me again. That he couldn't destroy the life I'd built here. Somehow, after feeling like I was living some Jerry Springer existence, I'd made it back to the regular world… I had a house, a medical degree, a good job, a beautiful, healthy little daughter, and a man that loved me through it all.

Nessie rolled over in her sleep so that she was facing me. I resisted the urge to wake her so that I could look into her big brown eyes, and hear her tell me she loved me in her sleepy little voice. I knew her eyes looked a lot like mine. And she got those curls from my dad, Charlie. But try as hard as I might, I couldn't see any of James in Nessie. How I wished that were enough to make it true.

I closed my eyes, easing into the warmth of Nessie's body. I'd do anything for Ness, anything to keep her safe from James.

xXxXx

I was leaving work late again, fumbling with the lock, _again_. Geez, Swan, will you ever learn? You'd think after bumping into Victoria, that I'd be smarter. I'd finished med. school at the top of my class, for heaven's sake, you'd think I might have at least a little street smarts to go along with the book smarts.

After securing the door, I shoved my hands into my pockets, and found my cell in one pocket and my herbal throat spray in the other. I cast a cautious glance in either direction, but Fairmount Avenue was deserted, and every other street lamp was out. It must have been later than I thought.

I walked briskly towards my car, and not three seconds passed before I heard the familiar clomping of heavy boots from somewhere behind me. Victoria? Again? Was the woman that relentless, or just desperate for something to do with her evenings? I had nothing left to say to her, though, so I continued to my car pretending not to hear anything unusual.

But the footsteps came faster, closer, and another light went out over my head, casting most of the street in shadow. I picked up my pace, not eager for another confrontation with my ex-sister-in-law. But her brisk steps turned into a trot, and suddenly, all of the street lamps went black. Panic flashed through my body like lightening, starting from my heart and shooting to every little tingling nerve ending on the surface of my skin. I dropped my heavy bag to the sidewalk and sprinted to my car.

But it wasn't there.

I scanned the line of cars parked along Fairmount, but I didn't see my white Prius anywhere. I could have sworn I'd parked right at the corner of Fairmount and Taylor. Could it have been stolen? It would be just my luck. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Victoria speeding towards me, her wild red hair fanned out around her face like a lion's mane, her eyes just as predatory.

And that was all I needed, I took off running into the night, cursing the fact that I wasn't wearing my track shoes again, and quickly losing one of my ballet flats in the middle of the road. I just barely registered the fact that I was wearing a pair identical to the thrown out, throw-up shoes. Funny, I didn't remember replacing them.

But I couldn't think about my shoes for long. The reverberating sound of Victoria's footsteps echoed in the warm air, loud enough to shake my brain inside my skull. She was so close that I could hear her labored breathing. On an impulse, I ducked down a tiny, cobblestoned side street.

My breath froze, stilled in my lungs. It was a dead end. And at the far end of the little street stood a tall, thin man, with long blond hair pulled into a severe ponytail, and piercing blue eyes. James.

I spun around to see Victoria blocking my exit. James laughed, chilling me to the bone. With my frozen breath and cold bones, I started shaking uncontrollably, and backed up against the red brick wall. It seemed to take little more than a second for James and Victoria to materialize in front of me.

"Isabella, my beautiful wife," James purred. I watched in horror as he reached out to grab a handful of my hair. He'd always seemed to particularly enjoy pulling me by my hair, when he'd drag me around the house to show me all of the things that I'd done wrong. But before he could touch me, I pulled the throat spray from my pocket and aimed it at James' face and sprayed, over and over and over.

Spritz, spritz, spritz…

Damn it! I doubled over in pain, my hands over my eyes. Damn! I'd sprayed my own eyes. It turned out that Echinacea in a base of alcohol could definitely double for mace. I cowered, blinded, waiting for the tug on my scalp, or the punch to the side of my head. James and Victoria were cackling uncontrollably, but the sound of squealing tires and a loud engine, coming in our direction, silenced them.

"What the -?"

The squealing tire sound was almost deafening, and suddenly there was a car in front of us. I tried to open my eyes, and saw a flash of silver beyond bright headlights, and heard the slamming of a car door.

"Hey, buddy, mind your fucking b -"

Something collided against the brick wall besides me, and fell to the ground with a dull thump. Squinting with burning and tearing eyes, I could just barely make out the gleam of James' blond hair and the trickle of thick, red liquid through the cracks in the cobblestones.

"I'm calling the cops," Victoria choked, kneeling on the ground next to her brother.

A warm hand wrapped itself around my arm, and that chill that had immobilized me was beaten back by wave after wave of warmth, as flames leapt to life under my skin. Just like that, the paralyzing fear began to dissipate.

"Get in."

My mouth dropped open as the hand helped to gently pull me to my feet. A low chuckle reached my ears, soft and melodic, borne like bubbles in the night air, popping in bursts of song.

"What happened to your eyes?" His sunshine breath blew over my face and I gasped.

I held up the throat spray, and another gentle stream of laughter caressed me, until my body felt like it was singing along with the melody of his voice.

Even though I still couldn't see, I'd know that touch and that voice anywhere. It was Edward Masen. He led me to the car, gently sat me down, and secured the seatbelt, his arm brushing against mine, his hair grazing my cheek. He took the throat spray from my hands, probably for my own safety, and then closed the passenger door. The car smelled like him; like sunshine and man.

"Carlisle, what would you do, if hypothetically speaking, you found your eyes full of Wise Woman Herbals Sore Throat Spray?" Edward's voice came from my left, and the car was moving, a warm summer breeze blowing through my hair, but I hadn't even heard him get into the car, let alone start the engine.

Before I knew it, we were pulled over to the side of the road, and I was flushing my eyes with water from a plastic Evian bottle. Once I thought I might be able to see, I wiped my face with my sleeve, and looked up into the twinkling green eyes of Edward. Edward Masen, my mystery man. His uneven smile took my breath away all over again. Then he ran a hand through his messy hair, revealing a piece of cloth wrapped around his knuckles.

"What happened?"

Edward shrugged, and that damned twinge between my thighs was back, like it had never left. "I was saving a damsel in distress."

"Are you like Batman, or something?" I giggled. This man always made me giggle. Batman or not, he definitely had the power to make women giggle like little girls.

Edward's eyes dimmed, and I wondered what I'd said. _Batman_? "Batman's a good guy, Dr. Swan. And this," he waved his hand around to include me, the road and his silver sports car, "This is completely out of character for me."

"Then why are you here?"

"You should ask yourself that. Come on."

I was back inside his car. The interior was all leather and modern, and the soothing sounds of some piano concerto I couldn't identify filled the air. We were speeding south on I-95, winding our way past the Delaware River, all black and polluted and smelly in the night.

I glanced at Edward, and he smiled back at me, so at ease, like that whole episode with James had never happened. And with just a smile, I was overcome by my feelings: a heady combination of gratitude, relief, excitement, and something else that flowed through my veins all delightfully slow and prickly.

"Where are we going?" he asked, in a voice that made me want to touch him again.

Where were we going? We were speeding towards Delaware, as far as I could tell. I glanced at the speedometer, and oh my god, we were going over one hundred miles an hour. I laughed, and admired the way that Edward seemed so at ease, like we were taking a scenic Sunday drive. It was exhilarating. I hadn't done something like this since… "Nessie," I whispered.

"Who's Nessie?" His voice was like a balm, relaxing and stimulating all at once. But I worked to shake off its effect.

"We have to turn around! She expects me home by now. She'll be worried."

Edward nodded, and took the next exit. But instead of turning around and driving back towards the city, he pulled over to the side of the road.

"Who's Nessie?" he asked again, and the sound of my daughter's name coming from his lips was indecent and wonderful, all at the same time.

"Nessie is -" I started out in a whisper, and Edward leaned in closer, making the words halt in my throat. His breath was like gentle fire, igniting my skin on contact, and turning my insides to liquid. I gulped, and attempted to speak again, and he came closer. His hand brushed against my fingertips, and I swore I could see golden sparks fly.

I jumped in my seat, and my movement was like an invitation. Edward closed the rest of the space between us in one fitful heartbeat. His lips were hard against mine, and I was lost and alive all at once. His smell was overwhelming, and I breathed deeply, drinking in the life I'd never known existed up until this moment. And that same feeling, the feeling of electricity pulsing under my skin was back, like he'd finally found the power source I never knew had been turned off.

I didn't want to stop. I wouldn't stop. I pressed back against him forcefully and my breasts brushed against his hard chest. I felt like there should be fire, or sparks again, but all there was, was Edward Masen and I in the buttery leather interior of his sports car. I pushed against him, harder, until his head was the one pressed against a headrest, and I was climbing onto his lap, my hands running through his messy hair, his eyes glowing in the dark interior, and I felt him underneath me, impossibly large, and I wanted to see it again. To touch it again.

"_Mama."_

It was little more than a whisper, but I stopped kissing Edward and pulled away. Something was wrong.

"Dr. Swan?" Edward rasped, confused.

_Doctor_. I was his doctor. I looked down, and he was wearing that same thin cotton gown that he wore in the office. And I'd heard something.

"_Mama."_

"Nessie." I hardly recognized my own voice. It was low and sultry and sleepy, somehow.

"Who's Nessie?" Edward Masen asked again, his eyes twinkling and amused, the way they always seemed to be when he looked at me. His arms wrapped around me, trying to pull me back towards him, his erection firm between my thighs, pressing into me in the most exquisitely unnerving way, and there's almost nothing I wanted more than to just fall back into his embrace. It would be so easy... the easiest thing in the world. "No," I mumbled, trying to make my body agree with my mind. "I can't. No. I have to go back. Bring me back."

"Please, just stay," and he brushed my hair behind my ear, his breath washing over my face, and my body actually ached to touch him.

It felt like the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, but I pulled myself away from him, "No." I could feel tears stinging my eyes. "No."

"_Mama? Mama?"_

Edward was blurring, his warm hand brushed my cheek and I shivered, closing my wet eyes, breathing in his scent, and all of the sudden his hands changed, and they were small and soft and pulsing with warmth.

"Mama, you okay, mama? You had a bad dream, mama?"

I opened my eyes to see Nessie's pretty face just centimeters from mine. She was gently patting my damp cheek with soft, jerky little strokes. Right, I'd fallen asleep in Nessie's bed.

"Why you sleepin' here, mama?"

"Because I love you, Ness."

"I lo' you too," she cooed. "But you got a bed upstairs. It's really big. This not your bed! You so silly," she giggled, tackling me, hugging me, delighted to wake up next to her silly mommy.

"I'm being very silly, baby." Placing her next to me on the bed, I rolled over and glanced at the window and noticed the gray-white light peeking from the edges of the blinds. It was time to wake up.

"What was you bad dream about, mama? Tigers? Bad mans?"

And in a flash, my dream swirled into the forefront of my consciousness: his eyes, the way his body felt against mine, his lips, so hard and insistent. My breath hitched in my throat, and I glanced guiltily down at my little daughter. "I missed you and Jake."

"Were you at work in you dream?"

"No."

"Why you miss me, then?"

"It was just a dream, sweetie. Come on, let's get dressed and ready for camp."

xXxXx

Try as I might, I couldn't shake that damned inappropriate dream as I got dressed, made breakfast, packed Nessie's lunch and bathing suit. What was it about that patient that made everything I did inappropriate? I found out that my ex may have hired someone to watch me, and that he was moving across the country, and I was in a smiling and flustered haze because Edward Masen saved me in a dream?

And then it hit me. He'd come and swept me off my feet and took me away. I was just using him as an escape, a way for my subconscious to save me from having to deal with James and Victoria. Even better, if I sped off into the night with my mystery man, well, I'd be giving up on my safe little world. James could never hurt me if I had nothing to lose.

It was a damned fantasy, made all the more real because it was based on a real person: some unsuspecting thirty-two year old that might have a cancerous growth on his left testicle.

"Mama, I ready!" Nessie cheered, tramping down the stairs unevenly, making little coquettish moves with her head, letting me know that I should admire her fashion sense. Nessie was adamant that she dress herself. Today she'd pared a turquoise blue, Hawaiian print tank top with brown and pink polka-dotted bike shorts, and Dora sandals that lit up every time she took a step.

I smiled as she spun around for me. "Wow, Ness, I'd never think to put those colors together."

"I bootiful?"

"Yes, and you're my favorite little girl in the whole world."

"I big!"

"Come here, _big_ girl!" Ness ran into my arms, and I hugged her tight. "Let's go, big girl, so you don't miss your bus."

Nessie held my hand and skipped as we walked to her bus stop. It was cooler today, and the breeze caressed my skin in a way that made me feel… good. I felt like James couldn't touch me in the light, and stupidly enough, I think that dream also made me feel somehow safer. And happy.

I wondered where Edward lived. Did he live in a neighborhood like this: with pretty flowers in little parks made in the triangular patches at intersections, with moms and kids holding hands on their way out in the morning? I could almost imagine Edward and I sitting on a bench in one of those little throw-away parks, my hand in his, and that electric fire running under my skin.

"Earth to Bella."

I blinked, realizing that we'd made it to the bus stop. My neighbor, Jessica was looking at me in a funny way. Jake took the early shift at the garage so he could pick Nessie up in the afternoons. I usually dropped Ness at Jessica's house in the morning, so she could bring her to the bus stop. But this morning I hadn't wanted to leave Ness, and I texted Jessica to let her know I'd be bringing her myself. The gym could wait, for goodness sakes.

"Taking the morning off?" Jess asked, her hand over her eyes to keep the glare out so that she could see me. I felt like she was studying me with extra scrutiny this morning. "You look well-rested."

"I slept with Ness last night. That must be it."

"I know what you mean. Mike kills me with the snoring, _and_ he's a blanket hog."

Ness was tugging at my hand, itching to run off after Jess's son, Jonah.

"Come and get me!" the little blonde boy taunted.

"Keep out of the road, baby," I said in my stern mommy voice, looking Ness in the eyes, before letting go of her hand.

xXxXx

My morning at the office was as busy as ever, but I was determined to stay on top of things this time, if for no other reason than I wanted to leave while it was still light out. I didn't think Victoria would be rendezvousing with me again; and I wasn't superstitious about my dream or anything. But I wasn't stupid. One thing was for certain: I was being watched.

But, with a full schedule, it was easy to push almost every bothersome thought out of my mind. Almost. Everything, except for the second half of that wonderful, stupid dream. When I had a particularly hard time on the phone with the lab, I thought about how Edward took care of James and Victoria and carried me away, and I smiled, relaxed and sated, and the call suddenly wasn't as annoying. And when Ben ran off on an unannounced errand, leaving a phalanx of patients crowding the hall, I thought about how exciting and safe it had felt to speed down I-95, Philadelphia receding in the rearview mirror.

I was somewhat grateful to the man, in a very sheepish way. Certainly, it was wrong to use him like that. My patient, mystery man Edward Masen.

It was coming up on lunchtime, and I checked in with reception to make sure that no surprise visits had been booked. I'd hardly eaten since breakfast the day before, and I really needed to sit, no matter which rep brought the lunch. Hell, I'd take on Cialis, Viagra and Levitra all at once, if I had to.

"Anyone scheduled for noon, Gianna?" I asked in the most non-accusatory voice I could muster.

Gianna rolled her eyes. Okay, it was the third time I was asking. "You've got a half-hour, Dr. Swan. You were very clear. But, I've got to tell you, if Brad Pitt walks in, I think you'll be sorry when I don't assign him a room."

I was unswayed though, hungry enough to choose lunch over Brad Pitt.

I rushed back to my office to pick up the last chart of the morning. I was in the home stretch. I was just walking back out the door, when something caught my eye on top of the pile in my in-box.

It was his name: Masen, Edward, A.

I stopped in my tracks, my heart pounding erratically as if I expected him to swoop in again and steal me gladly away, or to press me against my office door and kiss me again, like I dreamed he had last night. But then I shook my head and came back to my senses, and picked up my office phone. "Gianna, get Edward Masen's assistant on the phone. His lab results are back."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: While I work to make sure I get all of the medical and legal information correct, please remember that this is a work of fiction! **

**Many thanks to CoCo for offering with help in the family law department. That being said, attorneys are busy people, and I wouldn't turn down anyone that wanted to offer their two cents on family and criminal law as well, just so I don't bog any one person down.**

**And thanks to Lindz, my fearless beta! Love ya, Lindz!**

* * *

**EPOV**

I left Tanya sleeping in the bed, her wavy hair splayed out over the shiny white pillowcase, one arm over her head, more relaxed in sleep then she ever was awake in my presence.

No, that wasn't exactly true. Back when we were kids, running around with my cousins at their big old house in Mt. Airy, we were happy. Every summer, Sasha would bring her girls to spend a few weeks with Carlisle and his family. Year after year we'd run around playing tag, and SPUD, and running bases, and kickball. At night we'd play manhunt, which Alice would always ruin for us. We'd usually make her sit out, and she'd go running to Esme, crying that we weren't being fair. When we started playing truth or dare, I stopped biking to their house. It wasn't just the confusion about being turned off by Tanya's dares, (but that did leave me pretty fucking worried that I was gay.) It was because I was twelve, and the unfairness of the whole fucking world fell on me like a ton of goddamned bricks that summer.

That summer I realized that I hated them all: Carlisle's family and Sasha's, and most of the world, for that matter. It hadn't taken me five years to figure out my mom was gone, but it took me that long to realize that I was never going to have a life like my friends did: family vacations, trips to Rita's on hot nights, talking, eating together, kisses good night… a real family, a mother. Tanya's mom, Sasha, was tall, blonde, and loving in a very severe and proper way. She cared about her girls fiercely and wouldn't tolerate any of their shit. Esme was warmer and kinder; the kind of mom you'd go to when you tore open your knee and wanted to cry about it, even though you were too fucking old to act that way.

Taking my cue from my fucktastic dad, I dealt with my evolving hate by avoiding them all. Surrounding myself with love and family and comfort was a big joke; none of it belonged to me. No, what I had was an empty, dusty, falling down duplex in Germantown and a father that was either working, or passed out with a glass of whiskey in his hand. A dad that fucking hollered at me when I'd sit down to play the piano, or who would slap me across the face if I didn't stop playing when he said to. I did that more than once, for the contact. At least it made me feel alive, and not like I was a ghost. Sometimes I wondered if I were a ghost, whether I'd get to hang out with my mom there in the house. But in my heart, I knew my mom would never stick around that hellhole, when she had better things to do, like heaven and shit.

Maybe, looking back, I should be more magnanimous towards Edward Masen, Sr.. Mom died and dad got depressed, so it meant that he cared for her, a lot. Apparently, coping mechanisms were passed through the DNA or something, because it's not like I'm all warm and fucking fuzzy either. At least I had the good sense not to drag a family into my shit.

I was momentarily shocked out of my thoughts when I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror as I stepped into the shower. To this day, it still caught me by surprise. I may walk through the world with my dad's name and his fucked up disposition, but I look a lot like my mom. This had been even more obvious when I was a kid, without the five o'clock shadow and masculine jaw. I used to always see her when I walked by the hall mirror too fast, on my way out the door: her green eyes, her coppery hair, and her pale skin. I still remember the first time I heard Carlisle and Esme talking about this.

"He doesn't even look at the boy anymore. That's abuse, Carlisle."

"Ed says he can't. She's so present in Edward. You know what I'm talking about."

"But it's a reason to love him more. Like you do," Esme countered.

"What do you propose I say to Ed, Esme? You know he won't listen to me."

"That boy should be here, with us. It's time we hired a lawyer."

Back then I thanked fucking god that I wasn't 'there' with Carlisle and Esme, all of them rubbing it in my greasy face that they weren't my family, and that my father didn't care, and my mother was gone forever. But by twelve, I could get on my bike and ride, or take the train downtown. I did just that, and I stopped coming home. It made it easier for all of us. Except maybe my aunt and uncle, but I didn't belong to them, so what the hell did I care?

I took care of myself: I ate, I slept, I found shelter when I could. I never dropped out of school, though. In fact, I loved school; it reminded me that I was good at something. And then at night I'd hang out in parks, or squats or the occasional all-ages show, where sometimes I'd see Tanya. She was the closest to home that I could come by those days, and I'd take her out behind whatever cracked out building we were in, and I'd fuck her. Sometimes I even kissed her.

And then when I was seventeen, my dad had a heart attack. At his funeral, they said he died of a broken heart. More like he drank himself to death, but who the hell was I to argue? The shit I was doing was supposed to stop then. The court said I was supposed to live with Carlisle and Esme, and Carlisle tried laying down the law. Alice and Emmett didn't pull the crap I did, and I wasn't supposed to either, now. But I was in over Carlisle's head: stealing, dealing, using, cutting. A hell of a lot different than skipping football practice to drink beer with a girl under the bleachers, or whatever the hell Emmett was doing those days.

My dad was dead and I was fucking liberated. Carlisle couldn't have said shit to change anything then. But he tried to. He told me about my mom, Elizabeth, his older sister. When she was dying, she asked Carlisle to take care of me. She must have been a little delusional, because she asked him to _save_ me. But I had a dad, and Carlisle didn't try to intervene until it was too late. He said that he felt guilty, and that he hoped I'd let him into my life now.

"What the fuck! Why would you tell me that?"

"I just wanted to explain myself, and to say that I was sorry, son."

"I am not _your_ fucking son!" I wasn't about to put Carlisle's conscience at ease because he couldn't man up when he should have. I would have loved it to see someone, anyone, go toe to toe with my dad.

"No. You're Elizabeth's son, and you're my responsibility. You might think you can take care of yourself, but you're doing a piss poor job of it, and you're going to get yourself killed. I can't let you do that, Edward."

And now, at thirty-two, I was doing a piss poor job all over again, emotionally isolated with a big fucking lump on my ball sack, clinging to Tanya. I was in the same place I was when I was a teenager.

By this time I was showering, avoiding my diseased ball like the fucking plague, with a precision that emphasized that I knew its exact location and size. Instead, I forced myself to feel the prosthesis on the other side: smooth, hard, and unnatural. Damn it! I didn't want two of those. And this time it would mean hormones.

When I got out of the shower I felt lightheaded, and remembered that I hadn't eaten in almost twenty-four hours. I choked down a bowel of cereal, and promptly chucked it back up in the hall bathroom, so I wouldn't wake Tanya. I didn't want her walking in and seeing me holding onto the rim with my chest heaving, as I watched pieces of Cheerios splatter into the bowl.

After that, I skipped the gym and headed straight for the office, where I tried to review the notes for the morning's deposition, but really drifted in and out of daydreams as I watched the fountain in Love Park across the street. It was died yellow, for some inane fucking reason. I'd skated in that park when I was a kid, but they'd outlawed that shit now, in an attempt to project a wholesome, sanitized image of the city. I could relate; I tried my damndest to project a wholesome version of the jerk I was underneath, on a day-to-day basis.

Two cups of coffee and some Tums got me into shape for the morning. God knows Catherine Hannigan paid and arm and a leg for this deposition, so I made sure I was mentally present for it. Her ex was trying to hide assets, and after two hours I'd managed to tie down facts to impeach the fucker on the stand. Everything after that was a waste of my time, plowing through emotional bullshit that just added to the list of reasons for my client to pile on the Percocet, something that wouldn't fucking help me when we finally went to trial.

I was fried afterwards, and my stomach felt like I'd been drinking bleach all morning instead of coffee and water. I knew I had to eat, but I was scared to try that again, especially in front of Emmett. He'd have the whole Cullen clan on high alert. Esme and Carlisle would probably rush back from the beach, all because I fucking threw up.

I was toying with the idea of calling Emmett and cancelling, when Lauren stopped me in the hall.

"Mr. Masen, Dr. Swan called."

"She's on the phone now?"

Lauren looked worried. "No. It was about five minutes ago."

She was right to look fucking worried, I'd told her in no uncertain terms to find me, no matter what I was doing when that call came through. "What did she say?"

"She said to tell you that she called."

"Fuck! I told you to get me."

"She only called, like, _five minutes_ ago, Mr. Masen. I knew you were about finished in there."

"All the more reason to have me paged, to text me… fuck!" I checked my watch. It was twenty to twelve. "I'll be back by one."

I had a window, and I knew it. Shelly Cope had been Carlisle's receptionist forever and she was like a fucking hall monitor or something. I'd never get past her. But there was a weak link in Carlisle's system, and after years of meticulous medical monitoring on my part, I knew how to exploit it. Shelly took lunch for an hour every day at twelve noon, like clockwork. If I was about to hear that my cancer returned, there was only one person I wanted to be with when I got the news.

By the time I made it to Carlisle's office, I was damp and sweaty with my tie hanging loose around my neck. No one in the history of the city had ever walked from 16th and JFK to Fairmount in twenty minutes, in August. I wiped the sweat from my brow, and eyed Gianna humming tunelessly behind the front desk.

"Gianna?" I gripped the edge of the counter, and the intern jumped in her seat.

"Edward!"

"Uh, hi. Dr. Swan called."

"Oh." Gianna's eyes went wide, but she made no move to speak, or to get Dr. Swan, which is exactly what I was after.

"I need to talk to her."

With that, Gianna grimaced like I'd just thrown up on the fucking counter, which was a very distinct possibility.

"I… uh, I don't… but -"

"Just tell her I'm here." I was growing impatient and I tapped my fingers on the counter. Gianna stared at them like she was seeing fingers for the first time. Admittedly, I was being a lot less persuasive than I had been yesterday, but that shit seemed beyond me, now that I was minutes away from a diagnosis.

"But, uh… there are no office visits available, now. It's lunchtime." I was about to raise my voice in a very ungentlemanly manner, when Gianna looked around the office and dropped her voice. "Edward, I really got in trouble yesterday."

With all of the time I spent going over my office visit with Dr. Swan, it hadn't crossed my mind that she was angry about seeing me.

Both Gianna and I jumped as we heard the light patter of rubber souls on tile, coming in our direction. "Gianna? Where was that -?"

Dr. Swan stopped speaking in mid-sentence and blinked at me with those big, doe eyes of hers. Suddenly, I felt so stupid. If the crazy hadn't come through yesterday during my improvised visit, well it was shining in all its fucking glory right now, as I stood at the reception window, a perspiring mess, with sweat dripping down my forehead, my shirt clinging to my chest, _panting_ for fuck's sake.

"Edward." And if she said my name again, I'd have to add an inappropriate hard-on to the picture.

When I didn't respond, Dr. Swan, with all the patience in the world, tried again. "Edward?"

Desire shot through my body in equal and opposite proportion to my fear of being diagnosed with cancer in another minute. Suppressing a loud groan, I bit down on my lip, hard.

"Ow! Fuck!" Blood gushed into my mouth.

"Edward?" Now she sounded really concerned. Or maybe she was planning on calling 911. I couldn't tell.

"Lauren didn't give me the message," I mumbled, wiping at my mouth with the back of my hand, hoping that I hadn't bit straight through. I was relieved when I didn't see blood on my hand.

Dr. Swan glanced at the clock and smiled, like she hadn't noticed I was acting like a lunatic. It was kind of her. "Well, Edward, it _is_ about time for your usual, unscheduled twelve o'clock visit. Ben took an unauthorized break this morning, so he's still in the lab catching up. Why don't you come back to my office instead, and we'll talk about your results there."

Dr. Swan opened the door next to the reception window and ushered me down the hall. She walked a little ahead of me, and I noticed that she was wearing girlish flats today, no track shoes. It was a nice change. She had little feet, and thin legs - what I could see of them. Her lab coat hid most of her and I had the ridiculous hope that she's take it off when we got to her office.

"Here. Come in." Dr. Swan shifted a large stack of books from the seat next to hers, depositing them on the floor into a new pile. I say new pile, because there were already more than a few along the wall. I eyed her desk, where charts were stacked haphazardly.

"It's more organized than it looks," she explained, shrugging. "I've never actually worked with paper charts before. It takes some getting used to. Have a seat while I find your results."

She began picking through a handful of documents and came out with a piece of thin copy paper, distinct to lab reports. I'd seen enough of them to know by now.

I held my breath, which was a damned shame, because Dr. Swan's office smelled like her: flowery or something, but not in that artificial perfume-y way. Dr. Swan sat in the chair next to me, and I noticed that our knees were almost touching. I stared at her bare knees, calves, ankles, afraid to look in her eyes.

"It's not cancer."

"What?" I concentrated on the spot where her lavender cotton skirt met her knees. I could see just a hint of thigh.

"Edward, it's not cancer." I hazarded a glance at Dr. Swan's face, and she looked elated, like it was her that found out that… that she didn't have cancer. That I didn't have cancer?

"I don't have cancer?" It was inconceivable. I'd been so sure.

Dr. Swan shook her head and her smile grew bigger. She was beautiful. "No, you don't."

"You're sure?" I asked. Should I hug her?

"The radiologist is certain. And your blood work, well your white blood cells are normal, no anemia, the CRP and the sed. rates are close to zero. The tumor markers aren't back yet, but that doesn't matter. You're in the clear."

"I don't believe it."

"Believe it, Mr.- I mean, Edward."

The room was swimming, and I grabbed onto the armrests of the chair I was sitting in to steady myself. I still didn't believe it. It didn't make sense.

"If it isn't cancer, what is it, then?"

"Well, in about ninety-two percent of all males there's this little appendage that sticks up off of the testicle, called the appendix testis. Apparently you have a larger one than usual."

"And it can just come and go?"

"Uh, well, no. I mean, if you have one, and you do, it's been there since before you were born." Dr. Swan smiled like she had some inside track on the whole business.

"What's so funny?"

"Well, it's kind of, like, your vestigial vagina."

"What did you just say to me?"

"In women, that structure turns into a uterus and fallopian tubes and a vagina. In men, it never develops past a little blob."

"You're telling me I have a big vagina?"

"Umm…" Dr. Swan's laughter filled the office. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. I would never have put it like that. It's all just a variation on normal. There's no evidence of inflammation or infection. The one possible complication is torsion, but yours seems to be pretty… firmly attached, so I wouldn't worry about that."

Dr. Swan let her hair fall across her face again, and was suddenly very fucking interested with something in her top desk drawer. If she did that with her hair one more time, I wouldn't be held responsible for pushing it behind her ear. She was fucking begging me to do it. I closed my eyes so I could concentrate on what she was trying to tell me.

"Why did this _thing_ suddenly get bigger?"

"I honestly don't know. I thought maybe I'd have Ben do another draw, just to test hormone levels. You did mention something about libido yesterday."

Her eyes met mine, and there it was again, that same blush, and she looked quickly away, like a kid that thinks that when they duck behind a chair, you can't actually see them.

"No. I should have said 'no' when you asked."

"Well, since you're here… let's get Ben."

Dr. Swan rose to her feet quickly, taking a few steps away from me, and bumped into a large stack of charts in the process. I caught them in my hands before they fell onto the ground.

"Wow, umm, nice reflexes. Thanks," she mumbled, flustered.

I shrugged, thinking it was surprising she was able to move around at all in there, with all the clutter. Dr. Swan took another hasty step backwards and walked out into the hall. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to follow.

I looked around the little office full of boxes of books and half-filled shelves. She hadn't had a chance to add any personal touches yet. There were no pictures on the walls, no photos on the desk, not that there was any room for that, with all the shit she had piled up. At least there weren't pink lace cushions, or stuffed animals with bows and fake flowers. Not like it should matter to me how my doctor decorated her office.

"Edward?" Dr. Swan called from out in the hall. I suppressed another groan at the sound of my name on her lips, turned and walked quickly out into the hall, like a trained puppy.

"I guess Ben finally made it to lunch. I'll just draw the blood and get it over with, so you can get back to work."

"You?"

Dr. Swan folder her arms across her chest. "I have a medical degree. I can draw blood."

She's your doctor, you sick fuck; of course she can draw your blood. I followed her into the lab, the scene of our… well, it wasn't 'our' anything. It was _my_ office visit, where she'd palmed my nut sack. The ball without the cancer. Without fucking cancer. Holy fuck. I was cancer-free.

"Take a seat in the chair." I watched with an irrepressible smile on my face as she prepped her station with alcohol pads, a needle, a couple of tubes, a rubber tie, some cotton, and some other shit.

"There _was_ one number that came back on your blood work that seemed a little off," she said, all off-handed. I immediately felt my smile disappearing, and my heart jumped into my throat. Nothing was ever _off _in my lab work. Carlisle laughed every time I asked to have blood drawn. I'd taken to paying out of pocket because the goddamned HMO wouldn't cover my frequent visits.

"Wrong?" I choked. What was she thinking by keeping this from me until now?

"I know, I know, I've looked through your chart, you know, Edward. It's hard to believe _anything _could be off," she chuckled. Was she making fun of me? I didn't know what to say.

When she saw that I wasn't laughing, she shook her head and worked to appear serious. "Your cholesterol is low. Really low, Edward."

"Isn't that a good thing? My father had heart disease, so I'm conscious about that shi-, I mean, stuff."

Dr. Swan grinned, and I knew that even without speaking to Carlisle, she was on to me. "Yes, low cholesterol is beneficial for cardiovascular health. But cholesterol is necessary for proper bodily function. It's one of the main building blocks for endocrine hormones. Too little could result in depression, sleep disturbance, low libido-"

"Dr. Swan, my libido is fine." There had been enough talk about my goddamned libido.

"I wasn't-, I just, well, I was just talking. Giving examples." She was flustered again, and looked away to grab an alcohol swab. I had the ridiculous impulse to apologize.

"Do you _ever_ eat food that contains cholesterol?" she continued. "I mean, with an LDL as low as yours, it would be hard to believe. And uh, could you roll up your sleeve, please?"

"You're telling me I should eat fatty food?" I asked, folding up my damp and crumpled shirtsleeve.

"A bit of fat here and there. Just for the joy of it, if nothing else."

"The _joy_? The joy of eating, I don't know, a cheese steak?"

Dr. Swan smiled as she swabbed the crease of my elbow. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or her touch that caused the light, tingly feeling. Probably both. "You don't like cheese steaks?"

"I couldn't say," I admitted.

"Why not?" She asked, glancing back into my eyes. I think her breath caught in her throat. But the way my mind was working, I was probably imagining it.

"I've never had one," I gulped.

"You didn't grow up here, then?" A little crease formed between her eyes as she puzzled over my bizarrely healthy diet.

I shrugged again, and Dr. Swan made a face, like she was trying to remain composed. "I just never saw the appeal. Fried meat, white bread, and cheese wiz."

"There should be balance in all things, Edward. If your cholesterol's too low, you're not going to feel well, and if it's too high, well, you're right, it will shorten your life."

Dr. Swan knotted the rubber tie around my upper arm; her gloved fingers were swift and confident in their movements. "Here, squeeze this a few times." I mashed a little rubber toy in the palm of my hand, and Dr. Swan seemed to concentrate completely on my arm, drawing slow deep breaths as she patted and pressed the area, looking for a good vein, I guess. Something about the whole process made me want to pull her into my lap.

"Just a quick pinch," she breathed in a low voice, her breath tickling my arm. I shuddered in response, (she could pinch anywhere she wanted,) and Dr. Swan glanced up at me through her long eyelashes. "Afraid of needles?"

"No," I whispered. But I clenched that little ball thingy and closed my eyes, because another look like that and my semi-hard dick was going to spring to life in the lab for a second day in a row. With my eyes closed, I could smell her even better. I wished I knew more about flowers, because I was sure she smelled just like one. It made me want to visit a florist.

I felt the tiny sting of the needle, and opened my eyes, admiring the easy way the doctor held my arm and the submerged needle at the same time, so calm in her work. We both gasped a little when the deep red blood spurted into the tube, and there was something about her hand on my arm, her fingers wrapped a round a tube of my blood. Don't get me wrong, I'm not into that kind of kinky shit, (at least not with blood), there was just something so fucking vital and intense about it all. I would have let her drain me dry if she'd have asked.

With her other hand she untied the rubber cord, popped off the vial, and placed another on the needle contraption, like she did this shit every day, which, well, I guess she fucking did. My eyesight narrowed, as I focused on her gloved hand on my arm, how soft her fingers were, how neat her nails were, short and covered with clear polish. Everything was so quiet in that room, just my breath and hers creating a quiet syncopated rhythm that made my vision blur.

Dr. Swan popped off the next vial, slid the needle out from under my skin, and pressed a ball of cotton over my arm.

"Hold that for me, Mr., I mean, Edward?"

It was when I tried to move my other arm, that my stomach lurched, and my vision began dimming, going blurry and black.

"Edward? Edward?"

From a distance I heard a clanking, and suddenly I was reclined in the chair, my vision going in and out of focus.

"Has this ever happened before?" Dr. Swan's voice came from somewhere over my chest. I managed to shake my head in the negative.

"What did you have for breakfast?"

"Breakfast?" I croaked as I thought about the toilet bowel full of Cheerios. "I didn't eat breakfast."

"You haven't eaten since last night, then?" Dr. Swan's voice was full of concern.

"Not since breakfast, yesterday."

"I can't believe I didn't ask first. Wait here."

Without Dr. Swan's presence, there was no need to remain coherent, and I drifted into unconsciousness. Suddenly, there was a straw at my lips. "Here, sip," she said in a voice I'd heard moms use, the kind of voice you couldn't say no to.

Dr. Swan placed her hand on my cheek, tilting my head towards hers. I tried to focus on her heart-shaped face as I sipped orange juice feebly from a straw. I placed my hand over hers as she held the cup, finally feeling skin against skin and not that baggy, see-through glove she'd had on. Her hand was soft and warm, and her fingers were so thin. She wasn't wearing any rings. She let her hand linger for an extra second, I thought, but it was probably to make sure I wouldn't drop the cup. Then she pulled it away and took a few steps back until she was pressed up against the wall.

"I should have asked," she said again, more to herself than to me. But then she looked sternly in my direction. "Why aren't you eating?

I shook my head and turned away, not wanting to get into it. It was too much to explain after just blacking out.

"Because of the cancer?"

I stayed quiet, though. Fainting in front of her had been emasculating enough without getting into my girly eating disorder. It must have all been the effect of my new vagina, or whatever the fuck was on my testicle.

"You don't have cancer, Edward."

"I know," I replied. "I know I don't have cancer." And saying the words was a revelation all over again. I began to immediately feel better, and grinned at Dr. Swan. She smiled back, and she was one hell of a doctor, because she looked just as overjoyed as I was that my tests had come back negative.

"Why don't you come with me to the break room? You need to eat, we have plenty of food, and you'll be doing me a favor, because then I won't have to talk to the rep."

"What?"

"It's lunchtime, and apparently, all of these unscheduled visits have interfered with your health. As your doctor, I can't have that. When I took my oath I said I'd 'do no harm.'" She made those little quotation mark things with her fingers, the effect was adorable, when usually I hated that crap.

I thought I should probably turn down her offer. I felt sure there was some reason that I shouldn't have lunch with Dr. Swan. But if there was a reason, I couldn't think of it. Anything to spend some more time with the woman that made me faint, for fuck's sake.

When I didn't answer right away, Dr. Swan bit her lip. I wondered if she'd picked that up from me. But, who the hell was I kidding? We'd spent all of twenty-five minutes together over the past two days. She hadn't picked up on my fucking habits. I was oddly disappointed with that thought.

"Maybe it was a bad idea," she said, turning to clean up the lab station.

"No, I mean, sure, of course. Thanks."

I saw Dr. Swan's shoulders relax just a little, and when she was done cleaning, she turned back to me with the hint of a smile on her face. "Can you stand?"

"Yeah, sure." I still felt light-headed as I got to my feet, but I'd already been told I had a vagina and fainted. There was no way I'd do anything else to act effeminate in her presence.

I think she was on to me again, though. She seemed to see right through me every time. She watched me like a hawk as I walked towards the door. "Well, we'll take it slowly anyway. I don't know if I could hold you up if you fell."

There was no reason to worry, really. The break room was all of ten steps away. It had four white walls, a countertop and sink, a refrigerator, and a round table set in the middle. There were only two other people there: a smarmy looking idiot in a cheap suit, making small talk with, _fuck_, Angela. Carlisle's nurse turned when she heard Dr. Swan and I walk into the room, and her face went immediately red, then very white. Cheap suit's eyes lit up when he saw Dr. Swan, and he fucking leered at her. I wanted to slap that look right off his face, but managed to hold myself back. I was already in enough trouble as far as Angela was concerned.

Dr. Swan looked between Angela and me. "I guess you two already know each other since Ed-, I mean, Mr. Masen is in here often."

"Yeah, you could say that," Angela grumbled, giving me her best 'go fuck yourself' glare. I deserved it. Angela looked back and forth between Dr. Swan and me, and then shook her head at me. "Excuse me, I've got some paperwork to finish before the afternoon shift."

She stomped out of the room, not giving anyone a second look. I gave it about ten minutes after I left before Angela pulled Dr. Swan aside to tell her what a prick I was.

"Hey Frank," Dr. Swan said to the cheap suit, ignoring Angela's performance. "Where'd you get 'em?" she asked, glancing from the man to the countertop behind him. I peeled my eyes off of the guy to glance at the food. _Oh no_.

"Primo Hoagies, where else?" he answered, moving closer to her.

"Italian hoagies? Isn't this supposed to be a doctor's office?" I asked, watching with relief as my words appeared to stop cheap suit in his tracks.

Dr. Swan glanced back at me, looking positively delighted. "You don't have a problem with eating a hoagie, do you, Mr. Masen?"

The grease glistened on the preserved lunchmeat, piled into each doughy white roll. "I, uh…"

"I tell my patients to eat healthy ninety percent of the time. The rest of the time, they should take joy in their food. They should live. Perhaps increase their cholesterol a little."

"And if that's the case, Lipitor can lower cholesterol by about twenty-nine percent, while simultaneously decreasing your chances of heart attack or stroke," Frank chimed in, with no hint of irony in his voice. Idiot.

Dr. Swan smiled conspiratorially at me. "Mr. Masen here, has managed an enormous reduction in his LDL with diet and lifestyle alone, without any of those pesky side effects of rhabdomyolysis and liver failure."

Frank blanched and seemed to look around for support, but after the way he'd eyefucked Dr. Swan, he wasn't getting it from me. "If you look at the studies, it was Zocor that had the most damning side effects -"

"Yes, yes, I know Frank," she interrupted, piling her plate with food. "I'm just giving you hell." I couldn't see the way she looked at Frank, because her back was to me, but with one glance from her his face lit up like she'd just flashed her tits or something. I scowled at Mr. cheap suit, but as far as he was concerned, while Dr. Swan was looking at him, I didn't exist.

But Dr. Swan turned away from the pharmaceutical rep. and smiled in my direction. I'm sure I looked just like he had a second ago. She must have had this effect on all men. "Mr. Masen, would you like to take these back and eat lunch in my office?" Dr. Swan was biting her bottom lip again, and she looked worried that I might turn her down. Like I wanted to hang out with Frank or something. Like anything could keep me from spending more time with her. I glanced at the hoagies on the countertop. I guess I _would_ do, or eat about anything to spend time with her.

"Sure, um, _doctor_," I replied, smiling at the formality of it all. It seemed like a game now, as if we knew each other so much better than all of the Mr. Masens and Dr. Swans indicated. But we didn't. Again, I was disappointed.

Frank grinned at Dr. Swan, but I could tell that he was pissed as fuck that I was the one on the way to her office. I chose a sandwich without looking, plotting to make up for it with a salad for dinner.

The trip back to Dr. Swan's office was a blur, probably because I was still starving and reeling from blood loss, and maybe because I was staggered at the thought of simply eating a hoagie with a woman. I couldn't remember that last time such a little thing had felt so… big.

We sat down unceremoniously in her office and Dr. Swan dug right in. Watching her eat the hoagie was borderline indecent, and I couldn't look for very long, before I had to turn away. I took a hasty bite of my own sandwich and grimaced at the taste of salt, fat and empty calories. "You said this gives you joy?"

"Of course. It's the way we're programmed."

"'We' as in, you and I?"

She chuckled a little, and pushed a shred of iceberg lettuce covered in cheap oil neatly back in the corner of her mouth. "No, as in humans."

I laughed out loud at that one and had to put the sandwich down.

"It's not a joke. For thousands of years we were hunters and gatherers. We lived on food that was low in calories, and high in fiber, and it was a fu-, a _really_ hard way to live. When we came across food that had lots of sugar, or fat, or calories, it was a bonanza. We felt joy, and we, well, excuse me, but we ate the hell out of it."

Two things here: I think Dr. Swan was about to say fuck. In my head, I could almost hear her say fuck, and I fucking liked it. A lot. The other thing that had my attention was that she was arguing intelligently, and I absolutely _loved_ it. I guess any attorney would.

"So, you're trying to tell me that the key to happiness is junk food?" I challenged.

"No, there are other keys."

I raised my eyebrows in silent question. She pressed her lips together, put the sandwich down on her desk, and wiped her hands on a napkin.

"Music."

I thought about the times I'd sat on the piano bench and listened to my mom play. I couldn't argue. "But how does that fit in with your evolution theory?"

"It draws people in a community together; facilitating bonds, bringing the group closer. There have been studies that show, when people participate in music as a group, they always smile. And they come together again and again for the experience. Joy."

"Are there other keys to joy in your theory?"

"Well, family, that's obvious. We need to support our family in order to survive as a species. So, family is supposed to bring us joy. And umm, well, the other key is kind of… obvious, too."

I waited, not speaking, and Dr. Swan studiously avoided my eyes.

"Procreation," she mumbled.

"Of course," I said quickly.

Silence fell thick and lovely in her little office, as we chewed on the disgusting food, and made awkward and fleeting eye contact. If I wasn't careful, I could lose myself in her eyes. Fucking procreation. I had no doubt that would bring me joy. I thought about Dr. Swan saying fuck again, and made an unintelligible noise, much to my embarrassment.

"What?" she asked, startled.

What the hell was I supposed to say?

"So, I guess you have it all figured out."

"What?" she asked, confused. That little crease between her eyes made another appearance.

"Joy."

"Oh, right." But instead of a witty reply, or another argument, Dr. Swan leaned against the back of her chair and looked down at what was left of her sandwich. "No, sometimes the things that are supposed to make you happy just don't. It's not foolproof, I guess."

Before I could think about what I was doing, I reached across the messy desk, and lightly brushed her fingertips with my own. Dr. Swan looked up at me through those long lashes again, and I pulled my fingers back before I could try anything else stupid, but I didn't look away.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Some people live their whole lives and never really try, even."

Dr. Swan's eyes narrowed and she tilted her head to the side. She licked her lips and looked like she was about to respond, when my cell buzzed in my pocket and I jumped in my seat, the connection between us somehow shattered. I took the phone out to turn it off, and without thinking, I glanced at its face. Emmett's ugly mug smiled back at me. "Fuck!"

"Is something wrong?"

"I fu-, I forgot about my lunch date."

"Oh." I thought I heard Dr. Swan sigh, and she quickly looked over my head at the doorway. The phone that had gone momentarily still started buzzing all over again. He wasn't going to let this go.

"I'm going to have to take this."

"Of course. And I should get back to work. If you don't hear from me about the blood draw, it means that everything's fine. And if I do call, you uh, don't have to respond in person, next time."

Her little, almost-smile was back, along with the sparkle in her eyes, but it fucking stung being un-invited back.

"And I think you should follow up in a month, just to make sure the mass isn't still growing."

"Another exam?" I think I sounded a little too excited about another exam. Dr. Swan's eyes met mine, but they were all business.

"No. It would be much more accurate to have a repeat ultrasound. I'll get you a script for the lab." Dr. Swan had finished speaking, but she continued to stare at me, all cool and business-like. I suddenly realized that I was being dismissed.

I nodded, standing to my feet, glancing between my buzzing phone (I was going to kill Emmett) and Dr. Swan.

"Good-bye, Edward."

I gave a half wave and a half smile, ducked out of her office and walked quickly down the hall, bringing the phone to my ear.

"Emmett?" I growled.

"Just like you to prove a point about the meaning of being stood up," Emmett grumbled. "And I drank your beer."

"Sorry, Emmett. I forgot. I, uh, had a last minute meeting and it completely -"

"Edward!" I spun around to see Dr. Swan walking quickly in my direction, catching me just as I was about to leave the office.

"I almost forgot to give you these." Dr. Swan dropped two, folded prescriptions into my palm. "Have a good afternoon, Edward," she smiled, before biting her lip and turning to walk back down the hall.

"Dude, that wasn't Tanya."

"I had a _meeting_, Emmett."

"Who was the chick?"

I stepped outside before replying, and the hot and heavy August air pressed down on me in greeting. "Damn it, Emmett. I was at Carlisle's office. That was Dr. Swan, Alistair's replacement."

"Jesus, Edward. You were at the doctor, _again_? What in the hell did you think was wrong this time?" He was laughing, but I heard the edge of concern in his voice. If nothing else, I'm sure he was worried that I was insane. I though about explaining about the bump on my ball, but I knew he'd ask what it was, if it wasn't cancer. No fucking way was I coming close to telling Emmett I had a giant male vagina. And I had to think about what had happened in there, before I could talk about it with anyone.

"Just the same old shit."

"Well, the next time you get the hankering for a check-up, do you think you could call first? I looked like I was being stood up by a girl, or something."

"And fuck knows that's never happened before," I laughed. Honestly, it probably hadn't. Emmett was a big teddy bear when it came to the opposite sex, and girls ate it up. But, somehow, it never worked out in the end. Emmett was a master of letting them down easy, though. You wouldn't believe his shtick; something about not wanting to string them along when he was looking for 'the one', and how he wanted them to find their 'one' too, because he really cared about them. The thing about it all was that I was about one hundred percent sure he meant it. When word got out to the girl's friends about the sweetest break-up in the world, they just about lined up for the opportunity to try their hand at being the one. I think Emmett could have dated every eligible woman in Philly, if he wanted.

"Can I make it up to you, Em? Dinner, tonight?" The more it sank in that I didn't have cancer, the less I wanted to go back home after work.

"Can't dude, got a date. Tomorrow?" Of course he had a date.

"Sure, tomorrow," I agreed, saying good-bye and clicking the phone off.

I didn't have cancer.

I glanced at my watch, and it was passed the time I should have been back at the office. Lauren hadn't called. She was probably afraid to. Not without reason. I fired assistants as often as some people cut their nails, although admittedly, not as often as I cut mine. I should have hurried or caught a cab, but I walked slowly, looking around at the late lunch crowd like I was seeing Philly for the first time. Everything looked brighter and more distinct.

I didn't have cancer.

There was no one I could tell at the office. And I didn't want to have that whole heart to heart with Alice over the phone. And Tanya, fuck.

There was only one person I wanted to talk to about it all, and she was back at Carlisle's office. My steps slowed as I tried to figure out why I was walking in the opposite direction of where I really wanted to go. Because she'd pretty much told me to leave. I didn't have cancer, so I had no business being there.

I didn't have cancer.

On an impulse, I kept walking passed the office, and crossed the street into Love Park, and sat down at the edge of the yellowed water fountain. That's when I remembered the papers Dr. Swan had handed me. She'd mentioned that I'd need one for the ultrasound, but she'd handed me two. I unfolded them one at a time to draw it all out. The first one was for a repeat ultrasound at the lab. Then I unfolded the second paper:

* * *

**Isabella M. Swan, M.D.**

**Fairmount Family Medicine**

**2428 Fairmount Avenue**

**Philadelphia, PA 19130**

**Phone: (215) 555-5595 Fax: (215) 444-4494**

**Rx**:

Joy:

Indulgent food, in moderation,

Music, to auditory tolerance,

Family, as needed,

Procreation (or the practice thereof), always using proper precautions.

* * *

Fuck.

* * *

**A/N: Are you surprised he didn't have cancer? This is more of a story about not having cancer, I think. Whatever that means. **

**The appendix testis is real. Believe it or not, every man has a little vagina on their scrotum! **

**Anyway, THANK YOU to everyone that's left a review, or added this story as an alert or a favorite, or to their C2. Thanks to the readers that just had to send a PM! Thanks to Lindz and akjamma for pimpin' it. Thanks to all the other readers that I just don't know about. I'm really enjoying this one and I hope you are too! xxx, M**


	5. Chapter 5

**BPOV**

"And then what did you do?" Rosalie asked, literally on the edge of her seat. She was perched so precariously on her stainless steel folding chair, and she'd had so much to drink that I was seriously worried she might fall onto the sidewalk.

It was Friday night, my designated night out with the girls. Or, more accurately, my designated night out with my friend, Rosalie Hale. I was much more comfortable in one on one situations, and generally shied away from large group outings.

I'd been dying to get together with Rose tonight. I hadn't been able to get Edward Masen out of my head for more than twenty minutes since I saw him yesterday afternoon, and I hadn't had anyone to talk to about it. I alternated between internally cringing at the thought of the prescription I'd given Edward, to well, doing other things when I thought about him… in the shower, and in bed, and, I'll admit it, in the car. I wasn't having that trouble with my bullet anymore, that was for certain. Now, I had trouble putting it away before Jake caught me. I hoped talking about it with Rose would help put things into perspective.

Rosalie and I had been friends ever since our first year of residency. Well, not at first. She was so strong and independent and brilliant and confident that I'd been completely intimidated by her. Plus, she was beautiful: tall and blonde like Gianna, but where Gianna was rail thin and slim-hipped, Rosalie had curves like those starlets back in the forties and fifties did. In a nutshell, I'd thought Rosalie was everything that I wasn't. It took six months and one harrowing, tear-filled night shift together in the emergency department, to find out that Rosalie had actually considered _me_ to be _her_ nemesis all along. She'd been jealous of me: my brain, my daughter, my life. Incredible. We'd been friends ever since.

Tonight, Rosalie and I were at one of our favorite summertime spots, this little Mexican café in my neighborhood with outdoor tables and the best margaritas I'd ever had. We were seated along the sidewalk, taking advantage of the meager, warmish breeze. It was the best you could hope for in Philly in August.

I wasn't a big drinker, but tonight I'd asked for a pitcher. Rosalie didn't object, she was always on my case, trying to get me to loosen up. I was on my second glass, feeling pretty damned loose, when I'd finally started in on my mystery man story.

"He just turned up unannounced and demanded that the intern let him through to see you? Oh. My. God. Bell!" Rosalie reached across the table and shook me a little.

"What did you do?"

What _had_ I done after I walked into reception yesterday, to see a beautiful and sweaty Edward at the window, asking for me? Well, first of all, I'd stopped in my tracks and attempted to breathe while my heart tried to knock right through my rib cage. And then I tried blinking, because there was a good chance I was daydreaming. After all, I'd been fantasizing about Edward Masen the entire morning.

But it only took a second to see that he was for real, because even my wildest dreams hadn't done him justice: the glimmering, blond highlights in his hair, the flecks of gold in his eyes, the subtle five o'clock shadow, even though it was just past noon. And my dreams didn't exactly replicate the way his presence made my body feel: flustered and alive. Really alive.

I caught Rosalie looking at me expectantly, sipping on her drink and waiting for a response. The tequila was really getting in the way of moving these thoughts from my mind to my mouth.

"I brought him back to my office to give him his results," I finally replied, matter-of-factly.

"Just you and him, _alone _in your office?" Rose grinned, her pale blue eyes narrowing.

"What was I supposed to do? Send him back to work and tell him to call me from there?"

"Maybe… given the way you feel about him."

"I don't feel any _way_ about him," I shot back, lying through my teeth.

"Okay, given the way you feel about his man parts," she giggled.

"Did you just say 'man parts'?" I laughed. "I might be wrong here, but don't you supervise interns over at Penn Emergency? 'Man parts', Rosalie? What would your interns say?" We'd definitely had too much to drink.

"Don't try to change the subject, Bell. You've had dreams about him, you've admired him, and then, the next day, you get all up close and personal with him when he shows up at the office?"

And she hadn't even heard about the lab and the fainting and the lunch.

"If you ask me, this guy sounds like a freak," she continued. "Can't he just make an appointment like everyone else?"

"Hey! He thought he had cancer! He's not a freak," I huffed, folding my arms across my chest, hurt almost as if she'd personally insulted me.

Rose held up her hands in a gesture of surrender, and she accidently slipped backwards on her seat, her bare back slapping against the metal chair. She giggled a little and righted herself, before continuing. "Excuse me, Bell. I wouldn't want to insult the man of your dreams. And for the record, it's reactions like that, that make me think this is about more than man parts."

Well, if she wanted to be so specific, it was also about his eyes, and his jaw, and his large hands and long fingers, and his chest…

"He was just nervous, and hypoglycemic," I said in his defense.

"Hypoglycemic?"

But before I could explain further, a bulldog started slobbering all over Rosalie's bare legs. The tattooed guy at the other end of the dog's leash wasn't doing much better in the slobbering department. Rose patted the dog's head and giggled, and the owner took it as a sign of encouragement. Poor guy, he didn't have a chance. No guy had a chance with Rose, these days.

While I waited for Rose to send the her new tattoo-y friend packing, which I knew she would, my mind drifted to its new favorite subject: Edward Masen. The unexpected intimacy of yesterday's blood draw had taken my breath away. Our faces had been so close together that I could feel his breath on my neck. And his eyes… that close up I could see how the gold and green of his irises made it look like there was a light shining behind them. They were pretty: man pretty.

He'd started sweating again in the lab, and it was like his own personal cologne was seeping from his pours. I watched it trickle down his temple, and I resisted the urge to wipe it away. So I looked at his arm, just his arm. But after he passed out, I did touch Edward's face, and I'd held his hand for about ten seconds.

"No! I have your number. I'll call you," Rosalie was saying, pretty forcefully. Her voice had risen enough to jar me from my thoughts.

"It's just my phone, it won't bite," the guy laughed, dangling his cell under Rosalie's nose.

Rosalie pushed the phone away dismissively. "I'll call. I promise." She rolled her eyes and turned away from tattoo man. He hadn't had a chance in hell.

"You're never going to call him, are you?" I asked, once the guy managed to drag his dog away.

"Nope," Rosalie answered, taking a long swig and draining her glass. "Should we get another?"

"Another pitcher? Are you out of your mind?"

"Another glass. Another pitcher and I'd have to carry you home."

"You didn't even save his number, did you?"

"Un uh."

"Rose, it's been forever. He seemed nice. And his dog liked you."

"You're changing the subject."

"What was the subject?"

"You were saying that your mystery man was hypoglycemic." My god, it felt like we'd been talking about that hours ago.

"Well, I think he was so nervous about the cancer, he hadn't been eating. So, when I drew his blood -"

"Wait a second there, how did things go from, 'No, Mr. Fuck-Me-Gorgeous,' you don't have cancer," to a blood draw?" Rosalie asked, helping herself to the last of my margarita.

"The lab tech was out for lunch," I shrugged, "and I drew his blood and he fainted."

Rose spit out the last of my drink. "No fucking way! He passed out?" She immediately tried to blot the splattered margarita with our little paper napkins. But it was a losing battle. The waiter saw our sad plight and came over with a proper towel and offered to get us a couple more drinks.

"Uh huh," I admitted after the waiter left. "And this is where it gets weird."

"_This_ is where it gets weird? At what point has this story been normal?"

"We had lunch in my office." And I think I sat too close to him. And I think I said too much. And then I gave him a prescription for joy, and I'd included the sex part. I told my patient to get laid. _Brilliant, Swan, just brilliant_! I cringed in my seat, and tried to hide my blushing face with my salted glass.

"Holy crap, Bell! You had a date with him!"

_What_? "It was not a date! I'm his doctor and he was hypoglycemic. It lasted about fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen minutes with a man you've been dreaming about! With the well-endowed man you're lusting over. It was a date," she sang, taunting me.

"Rose! I'm serious. It's over. He's fine, he doesn't have cancer, and I pretty much told him not to come back. In fact, he already had a lunch date. He just forgot because of the results. He must have a girlfriend."

"He forgot about his date because of you?" Rose waggled her eyebrows.

"Not because of me! Because of cancer."

"And why do you care if he has a girlfriend?"

"I don't."

"So, what's the problem?"

I sighed. The problem was that it was much more fun to talk about Edward than the other, more important things I should be thinking about. "James, my ex: he's the real problem. I just found out that he's moving to Trenton, and I think he's been having me watched."

"What? Why am I just hearing about this now?" Rose banged her glass on the tabletop for emphasis.

"Because I'm a negligent mom and a bad girlfriend that can't keep track of her priorities."

"Stop it, Bell. You're the best mom I know."

"I'm the only mom you know."

"I see moms every day. I _have_ a mom."

"You know what I mean."

"James isn't here yet, though?"

"No. His sister told me he's coming in a couple weeks. I haven't heard from him or anything. But it's still creepy, and when I think about it, I'm scared to death. I mean, Nessie's never even met him."

"Well, it all makes a little more sense now."

"What does?"

"This whole mystery man patient thingy. I know you, Bell. In all these years you've never looked at a patient, or another intern, or a supervisor the wrong way. You're by the book. And, I'm not a huge Jake fan, you know that, but you're devoted to your family."

I wished I felt as confident in my innocence as Rosalie did.

"This guy's a distraction, just when you really need one."

"Yeah, I figured that out on my own, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

"I don't think there's anything I can do about James, but Jake wants me to see a lawyer just to make sure. I can't even concentrate, though. I sit in front of my computer and look at lists of attorneys, and the hundreds of names all blur together. I try to look through Pennsylvania law about custody and protective orders and stuff, and my eyes just glaze over. And I feel so guilty: about keeping Nessie safe, and about what this means for me and Jake, and about my job, and -"

"Bell!" Rosalie grabbed my wrist, silencing me. "Give yourself a break. James isn't even here yet."

The waiter came back with two fresh margaritas and a stack of napkins, but sensing the tension at the table, he high-tailed it out of there without a word.

"Well, here's what you have to do…" Rosalie continued. "I actually agree with Jake. You need to see a lawyer about James. Find a good one and just see what they have to say. And then, when that's settled, you've got to find your mystery man, and you have to talk to him outside the office. No doctor patient thing. Just a man and a woman kind of thing."

"But, Rosalie, the one glaring omission in your plan is that I have a boyfriend! A live-in boyfriend." And that mystery man was so far out of my league, even if there were no Jake, her plan would be laughable.

"Then just stop thinking about your patient."

"It isn't that easy." What did I even think about before I started thinking about Edward Masen? I was pathetic.

"Okay, so you're not going to go for it with the guy, and you're not going to stop thinking about him… not a problem."

"Not a problem? Do you know the definition of the word problem, Rosalie?"

"He is what he is. Your mystery man is your fantasy, your escape. Your Calgon take me away. Your Harry Potter, or your… what's the name of those vampire books all the girls like? Whatever, the point is, he's like a safety valve. And if you're not going to act on it, then it's harmless."

Then Rosalie nearly tipped her chair over, jumping in her seat. She clutched my hand excitedly. "Have you Googled him yet?"

"No!" I couldn't Google a patient, _could I_? Could there be pictures of _him_ on-line? I gulped. Maybe there were. And I knew exactly what would happen if there were, and it was embarrassing. I'd found enough things to do with my own imaginary pictures. I thought about last night (Thursdays were Jake's night out with the guys), when I'd ended up on my back on the bed, halfway out of my bathrobe, damp and panting. No, I certainly didn't need a picture.

"You should Google him. _We_ should Google him!"

"No!" I shouted loud enough that the two girls at the table next to us turned to stare. "I can't tell you his name," I continued, in a much more appropriate tone of voice.

Rosalie narrowed her eyes at me. My ethics were apparently getting in the way of her fun.

She tried a different tack. "What does he do?"

"I don't know."

"You said he's got muscles, right? Maybe he's in construction, or a trainer?"

"No, he was wearing a suit yesterday, and his hands were soft and smooth, and he had really clean nails."

"Do you hear yourself, Bell? You've seen him twice and you know all about his hands. You're sure he's just a fantasy?"

"It was a really nice suit," I continued, kind of oblivious, lost in my memories. "And he was wearing this silver-gray tie, and a gray-green shirt. It made his eyes pop."

Rosalie smiled, but knew enough to let it go. She was a good friend. "Maybe he's a banker, then?"

I scrunched my nose. "I hope not, that sounds boring."

"Why would it matter, if he's just a fantasy?"

She was right. It shouldn't matter. It didn't matter. Why did it seem to matter?

"Well, if he's just a fantasy, I'd like it to be a good fantasy. I don't want a fantasy banker, for god's sake. He looks very, mouthwateringly good in a suit, so I don't want to change the suit part. I just want him to be something suited and exciting."

"A lawyer?" Rosalie guessed.

I liked the idea of that. "Yeah, one of those lawyers that fights for the underdog. He'd be on a mission to make the world a better place."

"Like Erin Brokovich?" Rosalie suggested, tittering.

"Erin Brokovich wasn't the lawyer, you ninny. _ She_ was a single mom that dated a biker and lived in a polluted town."

"We could make _you_ the Erin Brokovich in your fantasy, then. In your fantasy, we'll dress you up all slutty, and your boobs will be bigger, and we'll have to get you some hair extensions."

"Rose!" I chastised, but I was smiling. I'd wear a skimpy skirt and I'd be all driven about some very just cause…

"He'd be the kind of attorney that took on the bad guy, and won against the odds, all for you. And he'd celebrate with a glass of champagne, on his yacht. He'd dock it at Cape May, where he had one of those old Victorian beach houses. There would be sheer white curtains blowing through the big, bay window right off the wrap-around porch. And you'd show up all slutty and big chested, wanting to thank him for saving your town. He'd know just how you could thank him, over and over and over again. How's that for a fantasy?"

I'd started giggling halfway through Rosalie's story, and by the time she was done, I was laughing so hard that my sides hurt, and I could hardly breathe. I had to admit it; it was a damn good fantasy. Edward would answer the door dressed casually, wearing jeans that hung on his hips, and a really thin T-shirt, barefoot, and he'd be going commando. I felt my face growing redder, and Rosalie noticed immediately.

"What? Tell me!"

I just shook my head, laughing, still unable to talk, admiring the way Edward's eyes raked over me, in my slutty fantasy get-up.

"Fine then, keep it to yourself. I'm glad I could help." Rosalie paused to take a sip of her drink, and made a face.

"Too sour?" I guessed. Mine tasted a little off this time.

"Maybe you could take your fantasy out on Jake," she suggested, still looking a little green around the gills.

"No, I couldn't do that."

"I hear it works. Just close your eyes."

"Rose!"

Rosalie shrugged. "Just a suggestion."

I actually hadn't gone near Jake that way since I'd met Edward. Jake assumed it was because of James, and I let him.

"You know I'd never betray Jake."

"I'm not talking betrayal. Geez, Bell! Don't be so dramatic."

I sighed. "I know. It's just that he loves me and Ness, you know?"

"And you love him?"

"Of course," I added quickly. "Of course I do. It's not a question."

"I don't usually hear you say it, though."

"I've known Jake forever. Sometimes you don't have to say it."

"Maybe. You seem to have plenty to say about this mystery patient of yours, though."

"That's different. Jake and I have a life together."

"I don't see a ring on your finger."

"I didn't do so well the last time I had a ring on my finger, Rose. I mean, I just told you about my potential stalker of an ex. So, excuse me if I'm not a big believer in rings on fingers these days. Jake and I are fine just the way we are."

"He must have asked you by now."

I sighed again. Rosalie was tenacious. On the job, it worked in her favor. But right about now, it was just making me angry.

"He knows what I'd say," I muttered, looking out towards the tree-lined street.

"And he still sticks around. Poor puppy."

"That's enough, Rose! Like you're one to talk about relationships. When was the last time you were even on a date? Having a quickie in the supply closet doesn't count, by the way."

Rosalie shook her head like I'd slapped her and took a long sip of her margarita. When she looked back at me, her pale blue eyes were glittery, like she was blinking away tears.

"God, Rose, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to -"

"No, it's okay. If I dish it, I should be able to take it." Rosalie wiped her eyes and attempted a smile. I reached across the table and pulled her into an awkward and unbalanced hug.

"That guy was an asshole, Rose. You can do better, you just have to give yourself a chance." I sat back down, afraid the two of us were going to tip over, but I kept hold of Rosalie's hand.

"It sounds stupid now, but I thought he was the one, Bell. He talked about kids, and a house, and introducing me to his parents, all while he fucked me in the supply closet. I should have known."

I wondered how Rosalie would have known. Jake would never have fucked me in a supply closet. Did that make him the one? Or was it just the way he loved Nessie and me, the way he did everything he could for us? If that was enough, why weren't we married?

Maybe we should get married.

But my stomach turned violently at the thought. I'd had too many margaritas. And I wasn't ready for marriage again. Jake knew that, he understood, he didn't push me on it. Of course I knew his family wanted it. His dad and mine were good friends. They were happy seeing Jake and I together. But I noticed how my dad glanced at my hand every time we visited home, and I knew what it meant when Jake got all exasperated after talking with his sisters on the phone. Maybe we couldn't stay in this holding pattern forever.

"So, how's the new job?" Rose asked. With the spotlight off of my relationship, I brightened instantly.

"It's really good! Dr. Cullen's really nice and knowledgeable, and I like the pace. I pretty much have regular hours, and he's flexible with time off. But he still uses paper charts." I scrunched up my nose and Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Well there's new legislation, I think. He'll have to give those up soon enough."

"Thank god! My office is swimming in them. E-, I mean, _my patient_, had to practically save me from being buried in them yesterday."

"Your patient, '_Eh'_? As in Ernie? Elton? Emery?"

"That wasn't his name, I was just coughing." I held my hand up to my mouth. "Eh, eh," I faked. "See?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes again. "You're the worst liar ever."

I pretended that I hadn't slipped with the name. "Everyone's worked there forever, so they're like a family, in a way. And they've been really nice. Well, all except this one nurse, Angela."

"What's her deal?"

"She saw that I invited that patient to lunch, and she's avoided me and given me looks ever since. I know sharing a sandwich is a walking the line a little, but it was just lunch. It's not like she caught us naked in the lab."

Rosalie gave me a sly look with my 'naked in the lab' comment, but let it go at that. "Maybe you should say something to her?"

"I don't want to make a bigger deal over it than it is. I hope it just blows over. Oh! I was even invited to Dr. Cullen's anniversary party this weekend."

"Ooh! What kind of party?" Rosalie's eyes lit up. She loved parties, and weddings, and benefit galas, and well, just about any occasion where she could dress up and hobnob. In some ways she really was everything I wasn't. I'd rather be reading a book at the playground while Nessie played with her friends. "What are you going to wear?"

"I'm not going to wear anything. I can't go."

"What? Won't it look bad, not going when you were just hired? This is no time to play hermit, Bell."

"It was a last minute invite. His daughter Alice only told me about it yesterday afternoon. It's on the same day as Nessie's best friend's birthday party at the zoo. She's been looking forward to it forever."

I'd been surprised to get the call from Alice Cullen. I'd never spoken to her before, and she'd acted like she already knew me, or something. She'd practically begged me to come. And even after I told her I'd had other plans, she persisted in giving me the address and directions, and told me not to bring a gift, just a stone.

"A stone?" I'd asked, my interest piqued.

"It's a family tradition. Any size, it doesn't matter."

"Alice, I don't -"

"I know what you're going to say. But dad thinks of everyone he works with as family. Which is why I really want to meet you, and I know Esme's just going to love you."

My boss's wife would love me? "I don't know."

"If your plans change for Sunday, the invitation still stands. It will mean so much to dad to see you there."

"Um, sure, Alice. I'll see what I can do."

"Can't Jakey-poo take her to the birthday party?" Rosalie asked.

"No. Jake has to cover for Paul at the garage on Sunday. And, I'm sure Jess would do it, but she's got to supervise the whole kiddie party, and she'll be watching her three nephews, as well as Jonah. I'd hate to add Ness to all of that. She can be a handful."

"Ahem, aren't you forgetting someone?"

"Who?"

"Bell, this is important for your job. I can take Ness to the party. I'd like to have kids myself some day. I think I could handle one for a couple hours."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

We left the restaurant pretty soon after that. Rosalie was on call early the next morning, and I was half passed out already. It had been a physically and emotionally draining couple of days. I had a life that I had to deal with, no matter how messy and unattractive James was threatening to make it. I wanted to feel better that I'd decided that Edward Masen would be nothing more than my innocent escape from all of it. But I didn't.

I felt even worse than after he'd left my office yesterday, when I saw how barren my office was without his pretty eyes to decorate it. When the rest of the day, hell, the rest of my life, stretched out before me, and I worried that I might never feel the way his touch made me feel again. It only took me a couple of seconds to write the prescription and practically run him down in the hallway.

The prescription was for both of us, really. Edward told me he hadn't been trying. He deserved joy, all humans did. We both did. I don't think I'd even realized until that moment, alone in my office, that I wasn't happy. I loved my daughter more than anything. And, when I'd dreamed about what I'd make of my life, this was exactly what I thought it would look like. I'd accomplished everything I'd set out to do. But it hadn't brought me joy.

What else could I want? A vision of Edward's fingertips brushing against mine flashed through my head, and that thrill I felt with his touch surged under my skin. No, I couldn't substitute a fantasy. I was going to have to give my real life an honest chance at joy. I was smart; I'd figure it out. Jake and Nessie deserved as much.

Oh, and so did I.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews and the PM's, guys! **

**This story is rooted in Philly, and many of the places I write about are real. Here are links for Love Park from last chapter, and the Mexican place from this chapter. (Just erase the spaces)**

**http:/sa . oip . upenn . edu/photo/2006/centeno . 20061012 . 165559 . jpg**

**http:/farm4 . static . flickr . com/3314/3517527788_c79e2a8142 . jpg?v=0**

**I'll might post a couple with each chapter. Anyway, you know I love to hear from you! xxx, M**


	6. Chapter 6

**EPOV**

Garish neon lights illuminated the perspiring people packed onto the dirty slabs of sidewalk, giving them all an inhuman glow. Pick-ups with oversized tires and middle-aged men on Harleys crowded the intersections, along with off-duty patrolmen, families dressed in Red Phillies gear, packs of day laborers, and the odd foursome from the suburbs: clean and tidy, wearing outfits from The Gap or J.C. Penney. I stood out like a fucking sore thumb as I slammed the door of the cab shut, still dressed in a suit and tie, not sure where to go.

I told Emmett I'd meet him here. But 'here' was pretty fucking vague. It was Philly's closest approximation to telling someone to meet you in Times Square. I eyed the overflowing trashcans on the corners and the food wrappers accumulating in the gutters and fought the urge to hale the next cab I could find. Better yet, call the firm's car service. Filthy fucking cabs.

Two skinny girls in denim mini skirts, sparkly tanks and Converse sneakers came and stood next to me, snapping gum like they were the fucking Doublemint Twins or something. I scanned the crowd for Emmett, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed one Doublemint twin elbowing the other.

"Hey, uh, you got a cigarette?" she asked, taking a tentative step in my direction.

I turned back to see Doublemint number one twirling her long ponytail around her finger. She looked like she was about sixteen, and she was blinking up at me, smiling in a way that was calculated to let me know that she was shy and available.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-one."

"Like hell," I scoffed.

"Asshole," she said, snapping her gum, pulling Doublemint number two away. "Didn't even look at my boobs."

I juggled my cell in my pocket, contemplating turning it on and calling Emmett. But I wasn't ready for that shit yet. Last night I hadn't made it home until after midnight, and now it was about eight. I hadn't actually spoken to Tanya in almost forty-eight hours. I knew that as soon as I turned on the phone, there'd be about a dozen texts and messages from her.

"I didn't think you were gonna' show," Emmett laughed. I turned to see him leaning against a giant mural of Frankie Avalon, dressed in track shorts and a sleeveless T, grinning at me like I'd fucking forgotten to wear pants or something. "Still a heartbreaker," he chuckled, nodding toward the retreating Doublemint Twins.

"Not fucking funny, Emmett," I growled. "They were kids."

"Kids these days." Emmett shook his head in mock exasperation, and hung his arm over my shoulders. "So, where are we going?"

I glanced back and forth between the two-story, neon orange monolith with the blinking Geno's sign, and the less assuming red, white and blue Pat's King of Steaks. "No fucking clue," I mumbled.

Emmett laughed again, a big, hearty sound that made all the women within fifteen feet turn and stare. Their gaze lingered when they caught sight of him. Emmett was six and a half feet of pure muscle, which was the first thing that stopped women in their tracks. But it was his boyish head of brown curly hair, dimples and freckles, that kept them looking after that first glance.

"So, you're really gonna' go through with it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I bluffed, like this wasn't the most out of character thing I'd ever done in Emmett's presence.

"Come the fuck on, Edward! A cheese steak? Dude, isn't there a scrappy, vegetarian punk kid dying inside of you right now?"

I dug my hands deep into my pockets, and grasped the folded prescription Dr. Swan had given me the day before, shrugging my shoulders. I didn't know what to say.

"I gonna' have to get a picture of this. Damn. Alice isn't going to believe it!"

"The more you talk, the less fucking likely I am to go through with it. You realize that, don't you?"

"In that case, bro, just follow me."

I silently thanked fucking god that Emmett led us in the opposite direction from the eyesore that was Geno's. "They're a bunch of assholes," he said under his breath, glancing in the direction of the gaudy orange spectacle. "And this," Emmett dramatically swept his arm out to encompass a squat, triangular building, surrounded by a ring of red metal tables and benches bolted into the sidewalk, "this is where Rocky came when he wanted a cheese steak."

There was even a plaque in Rocky's honor.

"Uh, Em, that wasn't real. It was a fucking movie."

"It was a _real_ fucking movie, dude. Anyway, this is where the purists go," he said, taking his place in line. We shuffled along in silence, until Emmett looked up at me expectantly, and waited.

"What?"

"How'd things go at the doctor's office yesterday?" he asked, feigning nonchalance, keeping his eyes on the sea of humanity that flowed passed us, paying particular attention to the female portion of that sea.

I shrugged my shoulders again. "Fine."

Emmett's eyes darted in my direction, but quickly slid back to watch the foot traffic. "Yeah?"

"Sure. Just fucking crazy. You know me."

"What's Alistair's replacement like?" he tried again.

"She's young. Looks like a new doc. Went to the University of Washington."

"Cougars," Emmett mumbled under his breath as a pair of middle aged women in tracksuits walked by.

"Excuse me?"

Emmett shrugged. "U Dub football. The cougars. Uh, no, that's not right. That's Washington State."

"That's where I know you!" A middle-aged man with a large paunch and a larger mustache cut in, reaching past me to grab Emmett's arm. "Number ninety-nine, out of Tennessee. Emmett Cullen. How's the knee?"

"It's alright, as long as I'm not being knocked around on the field," Emmett replied with an easy smile. Emmett had gone pro three years ago as a starting linebacker for the Eagles. But with one unlucky tackle, his career was over before it really began.

"Tough break, kid."

"It is what it is, you know? Coaching's easier, anyway," Emmett grinned, leaning against a red, white and blue "Don't Make a Mis-Steak" sign. Shit like that life-changing injury just seemed to roll off Emmett. I'd be fucking beating myself up for the next decade.

"I don't know about that," the guy continued, taking Emmett's cue and leaning up against the wall too. "All those pansy-ass ivy-leaguers over at Penn. You should go coach at a real school."

I coughed and looked away, shaking my head a little at the idea that an ivy-league university might not be a real school because of its focus on academics. The guy with the mustache glared at me, and looked me over from head to toe.

"This is my cousin," Emmett said. "He's a lawyer."

"Yep. I see," he replied suspiciously, as if that explained everything. "_Anyway_, pleasure to meet you, Emmett." Emmett shook the guy's hand, and signed a cheese steak napkin for him, and by that time we'd finally reached the window.

"Two steaks, wiz, wit, two fries, two Cokes." Emmett glanced at me, looking suddenly uncertain. "Or did you want a diet Coke?"

How had it fucking come to this? Drinking a _diet_ soda to make up for the calories in my cheese steak? "The artificial sweeteners will kill us long before the sugar does."

Emmett raised his eyebrows in exasperation.

"No. That means no diet Coke. Regular Coke."

"Whatever you say, dude," he chuckled. I went to pull out some cash from my pocket, but Emmett stopped me. "I'd gladly pay money to see this. This meal's on me."

We sat down at a table at the backside of the building, next to one of the many trashcans overflowing with greasy food wrappers. Pigeons ran between our feet, pecking at bits of fries and fried beef. I eyed the dirty looking red tray skeptically.

"So, uh, what the hell is going on, Edward?" Emmett asked, doling out the food. I noticed the grease had already soaked through the fry containers.

I shrugged, unwrapping the sandwich, trying not to estimate its calorie count and the fat content. My guess: nine hundred calories and ten grams of fat.

It had only been a day. You can't just turn that shit off.

"Dude, you look like you're about to eat a pile of shit."

_Same difference_, I thought to myself.

"Come on, Edward. What the hell's up? Why are we here? Not that I mind. It's been too long since I've had one of these." He kept up the eye content, even as he dug into his cheese steak, letting me know he wasn't going to give up his line of questioning easily.

"Are you happy, Em?" I started.

Emmett shrugged. "Yeah, sure," he said, wiping his face with a napkin and taking a long swig of cola.

I was working my way to the sandwich, eating one fry at a time. There was something to be said about their salty, crunchy exterior, in contrast with the soft hot center. I looked up to see that Emmett hadn't taken his eyes off me. He wanted more from me than a question, but I didn't know where to fucking start.

I'd been all over the place emotionally, the last few days. And there were so many ideas knocking around my skull that I had a hard time pinning down just one at a time. I'd wanted to come here, because, I don't fucking know why. No, I knew. It was almost like being here with a cheese steak kept my lunch with _her_ from ending. It made it seem like I had a connection with her, even though I didn't. If we'd talked about fish and chips during my office visit, there was a very real possibility I'd have asked Emmett to meet me on the waterfront.

And I was here because I wasn't happy. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been happy. And because I'd given up on trying, I guess. I'd thought that I'd done what I could with my life, and did it well. But maybe not.

Maybe the way I was living made happiness impossible. On a biological level, I didn't give myself one of the building blocks for happiness: cholesterol. But something told me I was missing a few more vital elements than that. But those other ingredients were things I didn't know if I could get back. Maybe I ruined them with years of drug use. Maybe I just wasn't that kind of person: a happy person. But staring at the lump of fried meat and processed cheese food in front of me, one thing became pretty fucking clear: this had been a stupid idea.

"You're not going to eat it, are you?"

I gritted my teeth, picked up the soggy bun in two hands, and brought the unholy mess to my mouth, not holding back, taking the biggest bite physically possible. I was immediately assaulted by the overwhelming taste of salt, oil, tangy fake cheese, greasy onions, and thin scraps of tender meat. I resisted the urge to spit it out, instead forcing myself to chew, to swallow. I felt the grease seeping into my pours, trickling under my fingernails, and dribbling down my chin. It was all too much, and I dropped the sandwich back into its wrapper, and grabbed a fistful of napkins, trying my best to clean myself up, wishing I had a sanitary wipe.

Emmett's laughter rang out, echoing in the space under the metal overhang, making people turn and stare. "If you could only see yourself," he laughed, choking down the food that was caught in his mouth.

I glowered at him, and glanced around at the people staring at us. This wasn't going exactly as planned. But really, what had I expected? That I'd devour this monstrosity and the world would start to look all rosy? Well, that hadn't fucking happened. Instead, I felt like I had rocks in my gut, and the rest of my weekend stretched out in front of me, gray and unattractive.

I'd been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't realized that Emmett's laughter had died down. Glancing up from my food, I saw that he'd turned all serious again. "Dude, what the hell, Edward? You look like someone killed your dog: angry and sad and maybe embarrassed.

"You ever get the feeling that maybe you've been doing everything wrong?"

"Like that time I tried man-to-man defense against Syracuse for the entire first half. Fucking lost the game and ruined our standings for the first part of last season."

"Fuck, Emmett, I'm trying to have a conversation."

Emmett shook his head. "You never do anything wrong, bro. "Ever since, well… you know, ever since you came to live back at the house you've done everything very, very right. Except cuss around mom."

"That's all shit, and you know it, Emmett."

"What's shit? Your job, the condo, your hot girlfriend, your trainer or your personal shopper? Or is it your work with the Homeless Advocacy Project, the Children's Hospital, or what?"

"All of it, I think."

"And so you're eating a cheese steak?"

"Long story."

"I've got all night," he challenged, picking at the last of his fries.

"Alistair's replacement, Dr. Swan. She said I needed to find happiness, I think," I admitted.

"What is she, some hippy?" he grinned. "Just like dad to hire a hippy."

"She talked like more of a medical anthropologist, if I had to guess."

"What?" Emmett had finished his fries and was picking at mine. I slid the rest of the container over to him.

"I don't fucking know," I answered, leaning away from the frightening food, stretching my legs out in front of me.

"Edward, you're not making any sense. You usually make sense, at least."

I buried my hand in my pocket again, wrapping it around the small folded square of paper. Before I could stop myself, I pulled the paper out and placed it on the table between Emmett and I. It was folded so many times, that it was small enough to fall through the slats. Suddenly, I felt like I was betraying Dr. Swan, and I reached out to grab the prescription back.

But after years of athletic drills, Emmett's reflexes were quicker than mine, and he grinned as he deftly picked up the tiny square in his large hands. "A note?" he chuckled, unfolding the paper. I watched his eyes widen as he read my prescription. "What, the… fuck?" He glanced up at me, smiling wide. "Alistair's replacement?"

I tapped my foot nervously on the pavement, meeting his questioning gaze. I didn't answer. It was a stupid fucking question.

He eyed my cheese steak. "Indulgent food?"

I shrugged. There was more to it than that, but I'd already told him more than I'd planned.

"And she wants you to get laid. I can't argue with her instincts, you're one of the most uptight bastards I know. If you weren't family…" his voice trailed off when he noticed that I wasn't laughing. "So, did you rush home to Tanya, or what?"

"Or what," I muttered under my breath, taking a long sip of Coke, for lack of anything else to do.

"What?"

"Em, could I stay with you for a few days?"

"Edward, I don't get it. Did you and Tanya have a fight? I know something's up. And this is cute, but it doesn't really explain anything."

I eyed the prescription in his hands, suddenly worried that he might be getting it greasy, and I reached across the table and grabbed it back. Cute? It wasn't fucking cute. "Can I stay with you, Em?"

"You know you can, as long as you don't mind sharing a bathroom with Eric and Tyler."

I hadn't thought about that. A hotel would be a hell of a lot cleaner, and quieter, closer to the office. Emmett was all the way out in University City. I glanced down at the little paper again. Dr. Swan's script was messy, almost illegible. Did they teach poor penmanship in med school?

_**Family, as needed,**_

I glanced back at Emmett, eyeing me questioningly, waiting to listen to whatever I had to say. "Could you drop me at my place first? I'll be by later. I've got a few things I've got to do before I come over."

"Sure dude. Of course."

xXxXx

My stomach churned and blood pounded in my ears as the elevator climbed smoothly and noiselessly up to the sixteenth floor. I rubbed the folded prescription in my pocket like it was a talisman, and hesitated as the elevator door slid open.

I thought about hitting the little round button marked "B" for basement. I actually held out my finger, and brushed the button lightly. Then I could just slip into my car and drive to Emmett's house: no scene, no confrontation, no one hurt. Maybe I'd even get some sleep. God fucking knows I'd eaten cholesterol. Wasn't I supposed to sleep now, according to Dr. Swan?

I turned over the cell phone in my pocket. The burden of all of Tanya's unanswered messages made it feel like it weighed about twenty pounds. No. I had to do this. The elevator door started closing, and I hastily blocked it with my arm and made my way to the front door with the grim determination of an executioner.

I held my breath as I quietly turned the key in the lock, and swung the door open. But I hadn't been quiet enough.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Fuck. My heart dropped into my stomach, which was already too full of cheese steak, joy not included.

"Edward?" Heels clacked in my direction. God, didn't she ever take those things off? "Edward?"

I took a deep breath and waited in the foyer, admiring the sleek lines and stark beauty of the framed Lombardi I'd bought at auction the last time I was in Italy. The painting was of a fortress, all in shades of silver and gray, clean, everything in place, perfect. No one asked it if it was fucking happy.

Tanya's shadow fell over me, and I sensed her watching as I studied the painting. I took a deep breath and looked in her direction. She was angry, her face red and splotchy, her hands on her hips, her hair pulled back into a severe ponytail.

"Where the hell were you?"

"I, uh -"

"Mom and I waited for you for an hour! I left about a thousand texts and messages."

"My phone was off. I was thinking, and I met Emmett."

"You were thinking? Holy shit, Edward. Is that what you want me to tell my mother?"

"Sasha?"

"Yes, Sasha. I think you've met," she replied sarcastically. "We have this dinner every year, Edward! Every fucking year."

"The anniversary. Fuck. I'm sorry." Tanya's baby brother had died in infancy a little over ten years ago. Every year her family celebrated his birthday together. I'd been so wrapped up in my fucking cheese steak fantasies that I'd forgotten.

"Fuck," I repeated.

"What the hell, Edward? This is fucking harsh, even for you."

"I'll call your mom and apologize. I didn't want to hurt her… I, I -"

I couldn't seem to move from the spot. I felt better near the doorway, near the Lombardi. I'd miss it.

"Edward?"

"I'm sorry, Tanya."

"Something's wrong, isn't it?" she asked, taking a tentative step towards me.

"Definitely."

Tanya's anger immediately melted away, leaving only concern in its wake. "What is it? Carlisle, Esme? Something at work?"

"No." I felt the pull of the door behind me, but forced myself farther into the house, my eyes darting from Tanya to the shining hardwood floors and back. Tanya stepped backwards as I came closer, edging into the large open space of the living area. I looked over the white walls, vaulted ceilings, the wall of glass overlooking the city, the Ben Franklin Bridge in the distance. One wall opposite the windows was decorated with black and white prints of St. Petersburg, the city Tanya lived in on and off until she was ten: onion shaped domes dominated the skyline, frozen lakes glittered, and the air seemed brittle and bright. The other wall was covered with black and white prints of Philadelphia.

I'd agreed to the decorations without much of a thought. No, that wasn't precisely true. I'd thought I was doing the right thing when Tanya suggested it all. The decorations, the life… It had all seemed to fall into place back then: a job with the best child advocacy firm in Philadelphia, a bright and airy condo two blocks from work, and Tanya had just broken up with Demetri, her past, our present. It had all seemed… right enough.

I'd been twenty-seven and I'd never really had a relationship until Tanya. I'd done enough emotional damage before I'd gotten sober to take up a lifetime. I was heavy into my 'don't do anything that you can't do well' lifestyle. And I couldn't do relationships well. It would have involved openness I was incapable of, emotional honesty, confronting the shell of a person I'd turned myself into. If I learned anything from my father, it was that you shouldn't bring others into that vortex.

"You're scaring me, Edward. What's wrong?"

I looked around at the apartment; the leather couch, the plasma screen T.V., the sleek, asymmetrical lines of the bookcase where Tanya had made certain only strategic books were displayed, alongside abstract sculptures in black and red, my mother's baby grand piano. I'd have to have that moved. And maybe the Lombardi.

"We should sit, I think."

"What's wrong?"

"Goddamn it, Tanya. Just listen for once. I said to sit."

"Listen! Listen to what? You never say anything anymore."

But she sat, perched on the edge of the black leather armchair, her longs legs crossed in front of her. She was wearing pale pink open toed heels, and she was shaking her foot nervously, clacking the heel against the hardwood. I couldn't take my eyes off of her foot.

Tanya'd changed so much in the past five years, and it was hard to look at her, to notice the differences. She'd been so certain back then, certain that she was as hard as I was. That she wanted what I wanted. "Fuck marriage, we'll do it our own way," she'd whispered as she pulled me into bed, and then rasped sweet nothings about how we'd be individuals together, how we'd give each other space. I bought it. We bought it. But now she was little more than a shaking and angry mass of insecurity. Fuck.

"We're not happy, Tanya."

"What?"

"This isn't working." I hazarded a glance at her face. Her violet eyes were wide with what? Shock? Rage. Definitely fucking rage.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"About what?"

"You skip dinner with my mom and my sisters and then show up and say, 'this isn't working?' I don't think so! I don't know what the fuck's going on with you lately, but it has nothing to do with me."

"You're right. You_ don't_ fucking know what's been going on with me, and it doesn't have anything to do with you. This is on me, Tanya. I've taken advantage of you, over and over, and I can't watch myself hurt you anymore. It's going to kill both of us."

"You haven't taken advantage of me for over a month."

"Tanya, I've been taking advantage of you ever since I realized you'd let me. I used you to get as close to normal as I could. I'm not fucking normal, and it's not fair to you."

"This again? The_ normal_ thing again? Goddamn it, Edward! We've talked about all of this before. Back when you used to talk. I've known you since you were ten. I know what it means to be with you."

"You're lying, Tanya. I fucking hurt you at every step. Why the fuck won't you admit it?"

"Don't tell me how I feel. You know I can't stand that shit, Edward."

I bit my bottom lip and shut my eyes tight, trying to focus, trying to figure out how to put an end to five years of mistakes. Fuck, try fifteen years. God, I'd fucking ruined fifteen fucking years of her life.

When I opened my eyes, Tanya's arms were wrapped tighter around her body and her mouth was pinched closed, her jaw set, her lavender eyes bright. Her foot was still tapping unevenly on the ground. She was daring me to break her down. After fifteen years I fucking knew how. But I didn't want to do it. I'd done enough.

I tried to make my voice come out calm and quietly. "I know you haven't been using birth control for the past, what, six, seven months?"

"What the -?" I wasn't going to let her fight. Not about this.

"I have fucking OCD, Tanya," I interrupted, still composed, still calm. "Did you think I wasn't going to catch that?"

"Is that why you won't sleep with me?"

"Tanya, I can't get you pregnant."

"You don't know that." I watched her protective barrier crumbling. Her arms fell slowly, until her hands were folded over her abdomen, protecting her womb.

"We've been having unprotected sex for -"

"You have to actually fuck for that to work, Edward," her words were hard as nails, but her voice was quavering.

"I can't get you pregnant. It won't happen with me, Tanya. That's not the life I can give you."

"I know you saved sperm. I've seen the cryo bills."

"The diseased fucking seed of a homeless, orphaned drug addict? Jesus fucking Christ, Tanya! Is that what you've pinned your hopes on? I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy."

"Why is it still there?"

"Why am I still here?"

"What?"

"This isn't fucking good. What we have isn't good. I love you. I do. I thought it would be enough, that it would get me as close as I could get to, I don't fucking know… feeling good, maybe. But I fucking hurt you every fucking day. Like no matter how fucking hard I try… I haven't done right by either of us."

"You're just scared."

"What?"

"You swear more when you're scared. You just said fuck about five times in thirty seconds. I knew your dad. You're scared you're like -"

"Don't fucking say it, Tanya. I pay a therapist good money. You're not my fucking therapist."

But she kept going. "You're scared that you're like him."

"Are you blind, Tanya? I'm a carbon fucking copy."

"You don't drink."

"That's the fucking difference? That's how I outclass that emotionally bereft, psychologically abusive fuck?" I was on my feet, standing in front of Tanya, but I didn't remember moving.

"No, that's not what I meant." She shook her head. She looked scared.

"The fuck you didn't," I growled, leaning in closer. Until I saw the tears spring up in the corner of her eyes. Fucking hell.

"So what? You want me to leave?" she tried not to sob, attempting to stay composed as a tear worked it's way down her pale pink cheek. I closed my eyes and held my breath. She'd won more than one argument by breaking down in tears. I turned towards the wall of glass, before opening my eyes and continuing.

"No… this place is yours. I'll have papers drawn up. I don't belong here."

"This is the booby prize? 'Sorry, you don't get me, take my house.'"

"You never had me, Tanya... We pretended. But you deserve better. You always have."

I heard the soft brush of leather against skin as Tanya stood to her feet. It was almost like she instinctively knew how I'd react to the tapping of her heels on the floor. I swear she slid closer, instead of walking. "But I only want you."

"I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to do the honorable thing. After everything, I thought I was making things right between us. But this is only hurting you more. I'm sorry." I glanced at Tanya, and the city's lights were reflected in her glassy eyes. She was nodding her head absently, but I couldn't believe she was agreeing.

"That's it?" she asked so quietly, I almost couldn't hear. "After everything? You think I'm just going to let you give up? Leave? Walk away from everything? From me?"

"What else are you going to do?"

She looked into my eyes and tried to hold my hand, but I put it in my pocket instead. "Tell you to stay. Tell you to try. You never tried. It's not fair. I tried. I fucking tried. All the time. A lot."

"I know. I'm an ass." I couldn't stand there with her any longer; I needed to put physical space between us. I walked back into the living area, and saw the black lacquer of my mother's piano gleaming in the dull light. "I want to keep the piano, and my office chair, and the Lombardi by the door."

"You've got to be fucking joking," Tanya sobbed. "Is that your itemized list? Do you think that any of the rest of this makes up for not having you?"

"It doesn't just make up for it. It makes it better."

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Yeah."

"You're a goddamned, fucking piece of work. And now you think it's just over? As easy as that?" Her heels were clacking in my direction again and I turned to meet her, wrapping my hands around her wrists, pinning them to her side.

"Does this seem easy to you?"

"What the fuck happened that you're doing this now?"

"If I wanted to tell you, then I'd have stayed." I felt something snap, not like a bone or anything, more like resolve. Tanya's eyes dimmed, the muscles in her wrists went limp and I let her go.

"You're leaving?"

"That's what I've been telling you for half an hour, now," I explained, looking into her eyes, hoping she'd move on, get past the mess I'd fucking made of everything.

"Don't go tonight. Give me one more night."

"You don't really want that shit, do you? One more night where I lock myself in the office, and you go to bed alone?"

"Come to bed like you used to." She reached out and her fingertips traced the outline of my jaw, ghosted over my neck to my collar. I could feel my pulse against the pads of her fingers.

_**Procreation (or the practice thereof), always using proper precautions.**_

There wasn't a chance in hell I was going to bed with Tanya. Ever again. Strike two for the fucking prescription. I rubbed my fingers over it in my pocket. If it was a load of crap, why did it still mean so much?

I eyed the foyer at the other end of the room. There was thirty feet between here and the rest of my life. I didn't know what it felt like to live without Tanya. I didn't know if I could, really. But I'd fucking try. I took a step towards the door, and Tanya grabbed a hold of my tie.

At that moment, her cell rang and vibrated, almost jumping off the corner of the coffee table, at about ten times its fucking usual volume. We both jumped a little, and Tanya let go of me and lunged for it.

"Hey, mom… No, he's here." Tanya glared at me, then wandered purposefully towards the front door. "No, it's… no, it's complicated… He said -"

I didn't want to hear Tanya's excuse for my behavior. I'm sure I'd hear it through Esme, or Alice or Kate. There were too many possibilities, really, and I wondered how I was going to get through this break-up without cutting off each member of my fucking family. I didn't know how this was going to work. My family and hers were so close, that they were practically related. That should have been the first fucking sign that this had been a very sick, very wrong idea.

With Tanya's back to me, I took the opportunity to make a break for the bedroom, where I threw enough clothes for the weekend into my gym bag, and then raided the bathroom for toiletries.

I desperately tried to ignore Tanya's voice in the other room.

"… _just like before… punishes me… makes me think he doesn't… no… not like that… I just think…"_

She was doing it on purpose; trapping me and making me listen to her analysis, while I couldn't fight back. I walked into the office and grabbed a few files, my laptop, and my iPod. On a shelf over the desk I saw an old photo album and quickly stuffed that into my bag as well.

In the living area, Tanya's voice was quieter. She almost sounded resigned, and sad. Really fucking sad. She was choking back tears again.

"… _Sure, mom. Uh huh… I know…I love you… I'll tell him… bye."_

Tanya must have kicked off her heels at some point during the conversation, because I almost didn't hear her quiet footsteps coming down the hall. Not suspecting that I was in the office, she passed by on her way to the bedroom.

"Edward?"

I felt like a fucking criminal as I walked to the front door instead of the bedroom. In the foyer, the Lombardi fortress was gleaming silver in the dark, standing so tall and strong. I resisted the urge to pull it off the wall and take it with me to Emmett's. It was a stupid fucking impulse.

"Edward?"

"I'm going now, Tanya." I was surprised by the sound of my own voice. It came out so small and uncertain. I heard footsteps running down the hall now, and I opened the front door.

"Edward, don't go. Don't go like this." Yeah, like a dog with his tail between his legs. Not my finest fucking moment, I'm sure.

"It's the only way I know how to do this shit, Tanya. Fucking sorry."

"Please."

"I'll have Lauren call to arrange to get -"

"The piano and the chair and the Lombardi?" Tanya cut in icily.

"And the rest of my clothes."

"You're gonna' need new clothes, asshole."

"Fine." I rubbed the prescription in my pocket one last time, thinking that if I wasn't careful I'd rub it out of existence, before I stepped over the threshold and pulled the door closed.

* * *

**A/N: As promised, pictures of Geno's, Pat's and Edward's favorite painting:**

**http:/upload . wikimedia . org/wikipedia/en/thumb/5/59/Genos_Steaks . JPG/800px-Genos_Steaks . JPG**

**http:/upload . wikimedia . org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/27/PatsSteaks . jpg/275px-PatsSteaks . jpg**

**http:/www . medicigallery . com/lombardi . html**

**I'll be away next week, so no promises about updates while I'm away. Laptops and beaches don't mix... Thanks so much for your reviews and PM's! I'm loving this story, and I hope you are too! I know you're all waiting for the party... I promise that it's coming in the next chapter. Until then, please leave me some love... xxx, M**


	7. Chapter 7, Pt I

**A/N: I was stranded on vacation without Internet access, writing my little heart out for the past week. Now that I'm home, I wanted to get the next chapter out to you asap, since you've all been waiting patiently. But this chapter is long! So, I'm posting it in two parts. Part II should be up shortly, after I get the kinks out and have it edited! Now, onto Part I of the anniversary party at the Cullens'!**

* * *

**BPOV**

I took a few deep breaths after I stepped off of the train, then I smoothed out my lightweight summer dress and pulled my iPhone out of my purse to check the directions to the Cullens' house one more time. I was a little disoriented after the winding train ride that took me through the northern edge of the city, and then through Fairmount Park. The regional rail was primarily a commuter line, so there weren't many people around the tiny station on a hot Sunday afternoon in August. Most people from this neck of the woods were most likely in their car, on their way home from the beach. Just like Dr. Cullen and his wife probably were. I'd have to get a move on if I didn't want to ruin their surprise.

Luckily, there was just one road that cut through the station, so it didn't take long to figure out where I should be headed. I hadn't thought anything of hoofing it a few blocks when I'd looked up directions from the train station, but now I could see that this was the kind of neighborhood where people seldom walked anywhere. The winding, tree-lined street didn't even have a sidewalk, and the enormous stone houses on either side of me seemed empty and imposing. This neighborhood was worlds apart from the section of the city that I lived in. It was hard to believe I was still in Philadelphia.

In fact, it was so quiet and deserted that my nerves started to get the best of me. My run-in with Victoria a couple days ago must have really rattled me, because instead of enjoying the birdcalls and sound of the wind blowing through the leaves, I was having visions of James jumping out from behind a tree and ambushing me. _Get a grip, Swan_, I commanded myself. James wasn't even in Trenton yet, let alone hiding behind a bush in West Mt. Airy.

A woman jogged past with a toy poodle on a leash and I relaxed a little, glad for the fleeting company. I looked myself over again. White had probably been a bad idea; with my luck, I'd be covered in red wine and barbecue sauce by the end of the night. But it had been so hot this afternoon, I couldn't imagine wearing anything else to an outdoor party. And it _was_ a great dress: delicate, with a subtly clingy bodice and a billowy A-line skirt. I tugged at the thin shoulder straps a little, hoping it wasn't too low cut for my boss's anniversary barbecue. Well, Rosalie definitely couldn't have worn this to a work function, but with my chest, I felt unfortunately confident that I could get away with it.

Even if I was a little uncertain about the neckline of the dress, all I had to do was look at me feet and I felt immediately better. My lemon yellow sandals were funky and comfortable. They had just enough of a heel to show off my toned calves, and I'd like to think they made me seem a little cooler than I was. A cool, twenty-seven year-old single mom, being stalked by her ex-husband. Right. The sandals had their work cut out for them.

Well, there wasn't anything I could do about my neckline; so instead, I focused on the house numbers, searching out the Cullens' residence. I was no architecture expert, I couldn't say if these old mansions were colonial or Victorian, but I would have bet they were each a couple hundred years old. Most were made out of huge blue-gray or brown stones. Actually, those big stones seemed to make-up a good portion of the neighborhood: houses, walls, bridges, and even the curb by my feet.

I plunged my hand into my purse and pulled out the small purple stone I'd taken with me to the party. I'd picked it up the last time I was back at First Beach with Jake and Nessie. When we were kids, Jake and I used to run around that beach playing tag and catching little fish in the tide pools. When we were older there were bonfires and parties, and many failed surfing expeditions. Jake was always out to prove that Western Washington was just as good a place to surf as Southern California. It just wasn't. But to this day he still wouldn't admit it.

That last time at the beach, Nessie had been old enough for us to tell her stories about when Jake and I were kids. Ness kept interrupting, asking, "And where was I?" She couldn't wrap her head around the idea that there was ever a time when she didn't exist - like Jake, Nessie and I were eternal, or something.

She was actually the one to pick out this stone. She'd given me a mommy rock, a baby rock and a Jake rock. Then she'd given me one for good luck. I hadn't wanted to break up the family, so I'd brought the one for good luck. But as I looked at all the big old gray stones in this part of town, and then down at the little purple thing in my palm, my rock and I looked so out of place that it was almost laughable.

By that time I'd spotted the Cullens' house, and um, _wow_. It was three stories tall, with a rounded tower-like thingy in one corner, and a porch that wrapped around the entire house. Even though it was made of stone, it seemed light and open and inviting. There was a big, detached garage, and it looked like there might have been an apartment above. Their yard was neat and carefully landscaped and was probably bigger than my entire block.

It looked just as deserted as every other house on the block. Of course, this was a surprise party, so I guessed that was to be expected. As I walked hesitantly up the long flagstone path towards the front door, I saw two dark eyes and a head of spiky black hair peaking out from one of the windows. The front door was quickly thrown open.

"Dr. Swan?" a little woman asked. She didn't wait for an answer. "I'm Alice Cullen."

Alice bounded gracefully down the path and took me completely off guard by throwing her arms around me in a hug so huge, that I was nearly knocked off my feet. For a little woman, Alice was surprisingly strong. And she may have been hosting an afternoon barbecue, but Alice was dressed for a high-end cocktail party on the Seine. Her black and gray raw silk baby doll dress was cut asymmetrically, and red flowers were splattered like blood across the edge of the skirt. Black leggings, a large ruby pendant and a wide red band in her hair completed the look. Even my little yellow shoes were no match for Alice's red and black flowered platform sandals. I felt completely underdressed.

Alice took a step backwards and looked me over. "Don't you look pretty, Dr. Swan!" she cheered, sounding completely sincere.

"Bella. Please, just call me Bella."

"Okay, Bella! It's so good to have you here!" She grabbed my hand and pulled me up the steps. "There was a storm off the coast, and my parents left the beach house earlier then I thought they would. So, we've got to get you inside quick."

After we were across the threshold, Alice slammed the door and paused to catch her breath. I glanced around and took in the dark, formal furniture, the crystal chandelier, and the expensive-looking area rug. "Where's everyone else?"

Alice laughed a little. "Well, after they pull into the garage, mom's going to unpack and she'll come in through the front door. And dad will bring the beach stuff out back. We'd never be able to surprise them both at once."

I decided that the Cullens must be extremely predictable.

"So, I have everyone waiting in the garage. Come on!"

Alice grabbed my hand again and led me quickly through a dining room with a table that looked large enough to seat twenty and an ancient tapestry hanging on the wall, then through a light and airy gourmet kitchen with herbs hanging to dry by the back window, then out through French doors into the backyard. Out back, there were little paper lanterns strung across the patio, lights twinkled in the tree limbs, and bows were wound around the trunks. At least ten tables were set out, all shaded by large umbrellas, and there was an elaborate bar, and a built in stone hearth. The patio was surrounded by extensive, flowery gardens that faded into a wild, woodsy area. At the very back, I could just make out a crumbling stone wall.

"Over here, Bella." Alice directed, as she led me across the patio and pulled opened the side door to the garage. After being out in the sunshine, I had a hard time seeing anything in the dark garage. I could just barely discern that there were wall-to-wall people packed into the space.

"Can you guys make a little room?" Alice called into the darkness. "There's one more coming through."

Groans went up from inside.

"How much longer, Alice?" someone with a thick Eastern European accent asked impatiently.

"Just a couple more minutes, Sasha. They're going to be here any second."

"But how do you -?" I started to ask. I didn't have the chance to finish my question. I was interrupted by the loud revving of an engine as a car pulled quickly up the drive and screeched to a halt. A hush fell over all the people in the garage. Well, everyone except for Alice.

"Of all the thoughtless, stupid -" she began, but then glanced at me and caught herself. "Excuse me, Bella. Leave it to the boys to try to park in the driveway," she said with a roll of her eyes, before sprinting out the side door, leaving me awkwardly smiling at strangers in the semi-darkness.

Alice's little footsteps could be heard running around to the front of the building. "This is supposed to be a surprise party, Emmett Cullen! I told you to park at the Volturi's!"

"But, Alice, I was running late and -"

Alice didn't give Emmett time to respond. "And running late is supposed to make it better? Get this out of the driveway, now!" Two car doors slammed, two feet stomped on the ground. "And you, we need to talk." Alice's voice was suddenly sweet and forgiving. "Any other day and I'd give you a hard time for that outfit, you know. But, I guess you didn't have much-"

The rest of the conversation was cut off by the car's engine revving back to life. People began talking again after that, and I shifted on my feet in the little space I'd carved out for myself next to the door. Someone bumped into me from behind.

"Oh, excuse me," I said, turning around to see a little girl with blonde ponytails. It was hard to tell in the dark, but it almost looked like she was scowling at me. Then the door behind me clicked open, and everyone inside was bathed in bright light. The little girl was scowling, all right. Geez, what had I done to her?

"Quick, get in," I heard Alice say. "I've got to go after Emmett, just in case he was sidetracked by, I don't know, Mrs. Anderson jogging by the house, or something."

I turned around to see yellow light streaming around the silhouettes of Alice and a large man as they stood in the doorway. The man didn't move like Alice asked, though. He looked frozen, like he was surprised, or afraid. Maybe he was claustrophobic. I know I was feeling a little tense in the close quarters. I watched as Alice gave him a firm push through the doorway. I knew first hand how strong Alice could be, and the man, although he was over a foot taller than she was, stumbled into the garage.

After that, everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

I tried to move out of the way, but there was nowhere to go, and the man was coming right at me. I put my hands up to, I don't know, break his fall, or to keep him from falling right into me. His chest collided with my palms. And that's when I knew. The hair, the eyes, the chest, but most of all the feeling I got from touching him: Electricity. Lightening. Invisible sparks.

It was my fantasy come to life. It was Edward Masen.

Edward grabbed onto my hips to hold himself up. He gasped, and just that little sound, coupled with his touch, turned on the electric current under my skin. He flipped the switch every time. My heart started thumping wildly in my chest.

I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath while I tingled all over. Edward's hands clutched my hips a little tighter, and it felt like the heat from his palms must be searing through my dress. And his smell… even with all of those other people around, my mouth watered at his salt and sunshine scent.

I tucked my chin to my chest and took a deep, steadying breath before opening my eyes. He was wearing flip-flops. God, he had gorgeous feet. I wasn't into feet, really. That kind of thing was just weird. But his feet, that was a different story.

"Dr. Swan?"

And his voice: like velvet, or honey, or basking in the sun.

I raised my eyes slowly, taking in the faded jeans that hung low on his hips, the threadbare cotton T-shirt that stretched across his chest; the same chest my hands were still pressed against. Oh my! I quickly dropped my hands to my sides, and they brushed over the tops of his hands where they held my hips.

"Dr. Swan?"

_You can do it, Swan. Look at the man!_

I slowly arched my neck to look at Edward. He was almost smiling as he bit his bottom lip, and his jaw was scruffy, like he hadn't shaved in a couple days. And his eyes… when my eyes locked with his, I was caught. Caught in my lie. He was no fantasy. But even though this treacherous knowledge coursed through me like a guilty revelation, I felt myself edging closer to his body. Because the closer I moved, the more I burned. In a good way, of course.

"Mr., uh, Ed -, I mean… sorry. You don't have to call me doctor… here." Wow. I was almost completely incoherent.

"Isabella, then?" He said my name and I shivered, even though it was probably ninety-five degrees in that damned garage. I resisted the urge to ask him to say it again.

"Just Bella-, wait… How do you know my name?"

Edward took a step backwards and leaned casually against the door, putting space between us, and he finally dropped his hands from my hips. But it was like we were opposite poles of a magnet, and it took considerable effort to keep myself from moving towards the door too, and from pressing myself against him.

"The prescription pad," he finally said.

"Oh, right. Of course." It was like my mind had been trying to preserve my dignity by blocking out the fact that I'd handed him that prescription. I felt my face going red.

"Mr. Ed?" he chuckled, and there was that smile: that sideways, halfway, lopsided smile. When he laughed, his eyes glittered, and those little golden flecks came to life, making it look like they were lit from behind.

"What?"

"You called me Mr. Ed."

I felt my face going redder; it felt hot enough to burst into flames. "I was just… surprised to see you. _Again_," I explained lamely. "Sorry. I meant to say Edward."

"Don't apologize, Bella."

_Oh_, he said it again, and I tingled again.

"Well, now we've got our names right, at least," I giggled. Of course I giggled. He always made me giggle.

"I was surprised too. I didn't expect to find you in Carlisle's garage, of all places."

"Alice says they always invite the people from the office to these things."

"They do…" I couldn't tell if Edward was asking a question or confirming what Alice had told me about the guest list. And he had a look on his face like he was half trying to figure something out, but he already knew the answer.

"Do they always invite their patients too?" I asked.

"Only the ones that -"

"Edward?" a woman called, interrupting him. I immediately recognized the Eastern European accent.

Apparently, so did Edward. He glanced over my shoulder and his half-smile disappeared. His expression became very hard and very determined, all at once.

"Sasha." Edward muttered, shaking his head a little. Looking back down at me, Edward touched my elbow with his fingertips. I was sure that one of these days I'd just combust. "Dr., I mean, _Bella_. Excuse me." Edward's chest brushed against my bare arm as he maneuvered past me through the small space. I turned to watch him go, (really, I was helpless not to), and I noticed that he seemed to know just about everyone stuffed into the dark room. He greeted them with handshakes and claps on the back. Well, all except for Sasha, the owner of the voice. Edward stopped short in front of her and she glowered back at him.

Once again, the side door swooshed open, and for a split second we were drowned in light again. I didn't even think to turn around to see who it was. I was trying to figure out what was going on between Edward and the foreign woman.

"Quick Emmett, they're almost here!" I heard Alice hiss.

All of the sudden I felt like I'd been hit by a granite wall, and this time there was no helping it; I was going down. The wind was knocked out of me, and my feet were flung sideways. My head was on a collision course with the concrete floor. But then two strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist, catching me just in time.

"Gotcha!" a boyish voice chuckled from behind.

Emmett pulled me to my feet, and kept pulling, until my back was flush with his hard, wide chest. "Sorry about that," he said, his mouth close to my ear. "My sister can be pushy. Literally pushy. I didn't even see you."

Emmett loosened his grip, but didn't actually let me go. He kind of rotated me, until I was staring at his humongous chest.

"I don't think we've met," he continued, like holding someone this close was the most natural way in the world to make an introduction. I wiggled a little to let him know that I wasn't okay with any of it, well, except the part where he caught me before I cracked my skull open. Emmett got the message and dropped his hands, but it seemed like they brushed along my sides kind of needlessly. "Sorry, again. I'm Emmett Cullen."

"Hi, Emmett," I said, stepping backwards so that I could take all of him in, and to put a little more space between us. He may have been the largest man I'd ever seen, and in the forty-five seconds we'd known each other, he'd been all hands. "I'm Isabella Swan. I just started working with, uh, your father, I think."

"You think you just started working with dad?" he laughed. I noticed he had cute, boyish dimples, and big brown eyes. "You're not sure?"

From behind me I could hear Edward's insistent voice. _"… just between T and I… insensitive… very sorry... no, I'd just…_"

I tried my best to stay focused on my conversation with Emmett, you know, the seven-foot tall giant that had been manhandling me. "No, I mean that I think he's your father."

Emmett laughed again, louder this time, sadly drowning out Edward's voice. "Mom thinks he is too."

"_I was not trying to send a message to the entire family, Sasha. Damn it!" _

"_Don't you take that tone with me, young man. My daughter might tolerate that kind of language…"_

I noticed that Emmett wasn't laughing anymore. He was still smiling, but he seemed mildly pissed off too.

"What? Oh, um…" I tried to reply. But I couldn't even remember what we'd been talking about. It seemed more than a few people had lost their train of thought as well, and they were also listening in on Edward's conversation.

"So you're the doctor that wants my cousin to get laid," Emmett said in a booming voice that echoed through the small space. People immediately shifted their attention from Edward and Sasha to stare at the two of us.

"What?" I had no idea what he meant, and I didn't appreciate being forced into the spotlight. Emmett winked at me and subtly nodded in Edward's direction.

"They're here!" Alice cried, stepping between Edward and Sasha. "Everybody, quiet down!"

I quickly decided Alice was either bluffing, or she must have planted a tracking device on her parent's car, because I couldn't hear a thing. But, sure enough, five seconds later, a car could be heard coming down the street and turning up the drive. I can't say people actually tensed in anticipation, well, except for Alice who seemed to vibrate, but they started shifting where they stood, excited at the prospect of being released from their confinement.

The car's engine died down and the garage door began to slowly lift from the ground. I had to laugh at Alice's idea. It was a very slow reveal, and by the time the door was completely opened, the cheers of 'surprise' and 'happy anniversary' were a little after the fact.

I figured that this was my cue to fade into the background, but Emmett wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me with him towards the driveway. Alice instantaneously appeared on my other side and squeezed my hand. "I'm so glad you came, Bella."

Even as I was being navigated towards my boss and his wife, my ears were still effortlessly attuned to Edward's voice. "_No, today's about Carlisle and Esme…"_ I guessed that after Alice moved on, the argument had started up again.

"Happy anniversary, mom!" Alice sung loud enough to drown out Edward and Sasha's voices. She dropped my hand and practically skipping towards her mother.

"Alice, what on earth? Why are all of our friends in the garage?" Esme asked. Alice's mother was petite too, but she had honey-colored shoulder length hair and light brown eyes. Even so, the resemblance was striking.

"Thirtieth anniversaries only happen once, mom."

"Yes, but it's not cause to engender heat stroke in those nearest and dearest."

Alice looked crestfallen, almost pouty, (Nessie often gave me the same look), and Esme smiled forgivingly and pulled her daughter into a generous hug. "Thank you, Alice. I'm extremely surprised."

"And you," Esme said, reaching up on tiptoe to give her son a peck on the cheek. I tried to wriggle away again, but Emmett only held me tighter. "With Alice at the helm, I'm sure your only duty was to show up on time. But thank you too."

"Not true, mom. I had to get Edward here too."

"Edward?" Esme asked, scanning the gathering. I looked around too, but didn't see him. When I turned back around, Esme's eyes had fallen on me. "Who's your date, dear?"

"Oh, uh… I," I stammered.

"We just met, mom. This is -"

"This is Dr. Isabella Swan," Dr. Cullen cut in, wrapping his arm around his wife's shoulders. Dr. Cullen was nearly as tall as his son, with a head of platinum blonde hair. "It was so kind of you to make it up here on a Sunday afternoon, Dr. Swan. I hope my daughter didn't twist your arm too much to get you here. She can be very… persuasive."

"Oh, not at all. I'm glad I could make it. And, uh, call me Bella, please."

Dr. Cullen smiled, in a way that let me know that he understood perfectly well how much Alice must have begged. Then he raised his eyebrows at his son and Emmett immediately loosened his hold on me. "And I see you've met my son, Emmett."

I guess he knew both of his children well.

"Oh! So, this is the doctor I've heard so much about," Esme broke in. "You don't know how grateful I am that you stepped in on such short notice, Bella. Up until now, I haven't been able to get Carlisle out of the city for any length of time."

"I was glad to do it, Mrs. Cullen."

"Esme, please, dear. And let's make sure we chat later, after I've greeted the rest of the small village Alice assembled in our honor."

Esme squeezed my hand and Carlisle patted me on the back before they moved on to the rest of their guests. I noticed with some disappointment that Edward was nowhere in sight.

"You're a hell of a lot prettier than Alistair," Emmett said, shifting purposefully into my line of vision.

"Uh, thanks, I guess." From the picture I'd seen on the practice's website, that wasn't much in the way of a compliment.

"So, uh, what did you do to my cousin?" he asked, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Your cousin?" I wondered if he meant that little blonde girl. I had no idea what I'd done to make her look at me like that.

"One visit with you and he's dragging me out to eat a cheese steak. You might not understand how crazy that is, but -"

"You mean Edward? Your _cousin_, Edward?"

"Back in the day he would have tried to kick my ass for even mentioning a cheese steak. There was this time when I met him at Food Not Bombs and his little gang of dirty punks nearly jumped me when I started talking about burgers. They wouldn't have done much damage, of course. I was the only one of them that had a decent meal in over a month -"

"Wait, Edward ate a _cheese steak_?"

"I know, right? I forgot to get a picture. But, dude, do you usually tell your patients to eat like that, cause I'm pretty sure that dad's not down with that kind of a diet."

Oh my god! I'd given _that_ prescription to my boss's nephew. The cheese steak was the least of it.

_**Procreation (or the practice thereof), always using proper precautions.**_

"So, uh, Bella, I was thinking, there's this great pub over by Carlisle's office. Maybe sometime after work I could -"

"Bella? Bella! Emmett!" Alice Cullen ran into the garage. I noticed that Emmett and I were the only people left there. Everyone else had made their way to the backyard. "Hey, Emmett, stop monopolizing Bella's time. You're on grill duty. And Bella, there are some people I'd like you to meet."

"Yeah, sure, sis'," Emmett acquiesced. "But, I'll see _you_ later, Bella. Maybe monopolize a little more of your time when Alice isn't looking," he said before flashing a toothy smile and joining the rest of the guests in the backyard.

"Don't mind my brother, Bella. He's a little over-the-top, but he's harmless." I looked at Alice doubtfully. "Really, I wouldn't lie," she assured me, throwing her arm over my shoulders.

"That all just reminded me of the time I went to the Junior Prom with the captain of the -"

"Don't say it," Alice winced. "The football team?"

"Yeah," I agreed. That night I'd actually used some of the moves my police chief dad had taught me.

"Emmett didn't set out to become a cliché, it just came natural," Alice shrugged. "But he'll leave you alone if you ask him to. Really, he's like a big teddy bear."

I wasn't sure I was buying what Alice was selling. Maybe Emmett was like a teddy bear. If teddy bears were rock solid and seven feet tall.

"And besides, Alice, I have a -"

"Boyfriend?" Alice cut in again. She had an uncanny knack for finishing my sentences.

"Yeah, a boyfriend. How did you know?"

"The smart and pretty ones are always taken. It goes for boys and girls, as far as I can tell."

"Are you taken too, then?"

"Not yet. Soon, I hope," Alice replied with a quick, dreamy look in her eyes. It was gone almost as soon as it had appeared, though. "Now, come on, let me introduce you around."

After that, Alice took it upon herself to personally introduce me to everyone: the neighbors, the Volturis, their friend Irina her fiancé Laurent, the infamous Alistair whom I replaced, distant relatives Siobhan, Liam, and their daughter Maggie, and the list went on, and on. Esme gave me a tour of their home, and Carlisle sat me down to ask about the goings on at office. I was just trying to tactfully turn down an invitation from Emmett to play volleyball, when Alice pulled me into the kitchen to help with the food.

"Are you having a good time, Bella?"

"You're family's been really sweet, Alice. But, these kind of things have a way of getting a little overwhelming," I said as I helped Alice arrange chilled salads on a large buffet table.

"I thought you might have needed time to regroup. And, well, when Emmett and Maggie go head to head in volleyball, no one escapes unscathed. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, or those sandals."

"These?" I asked, wiggling a foot around.

"They're adorable. They're sold out, you know."

"Really?"

"Yep, not available anywhere. I tried to get some for my shop, but couldn't."

"I didn't know. I do love them, though. It makes me happy just to look at them."

"Well, me too," Alice giggled. "Too bad we're not the same size."

I'd just met the woman, and she wanted to borrow my shoes? Not to mention… "How do you know we're different sizes?" I asked. Alice seemed to know so much. What was she, a private eye?

"I work in fashion," she said, shrugging. "I have an eye for that kind of thing. You're what, a six in shoes?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. Six."

"See, I'm a five. It would never work."

Okay, she had a simple explanation. And after that question, I was encouraged to try another. "So, um, I was wondering where the rest of the people from the office were."

"Oh, that." Alice looked suddenly embarrassed and ducked her head into the stainless steel, sub-zero refrigerator. "Well, I couldn't invite Angela, so I really couldn't ask the other nurses either. And then I couldn't ask the intern, if I didn't invite the nurses. And since Angela's dating Ben -"

"They are?"

"You didn't know?" she asked, pulling out condiments.

"No idea."

"Shelly Cope should be here, though."

"I haven't seen her, or, um, Edward either." I blushed as soon as I said Edward's name, but now that I was asking questions freely, I couldn't seem to help myself.

"Yeah, he's not in much of a party mood. And with Sasha and Irina here, not to mention…" Alice glanced over at me and her voice trailed off, as if she'd decided against whatever she was going to say. "It was just nice of him come," she said, piling a bunch of linens in a large basket to take out to the patio.

"You made sure it was in my Blackberry, pixie. And I think Emmett was under orders to throw me over his shoulder if I refused."

I glanced over my shoulder to see Edward leaning against the doorjamb between the kitchen and dining room. My heart skipped a beat.

"Oh, Edward! Bella was just asking about you."

"Alice," I hissed under my breath.

"Yeah?" he asked, smiling a little.

I felt completely exposed, and glanced around the kitchen looking for something else to focus on, besides those beautiful green eyes. The only other thing to bring out to the patio was a large salad bowl. I reached for it, but Alice swatted my hands away.

"You've done enough, Bella. I'll get this." She picked up the basket and the bowl and balancing them effortlessly, pranced out of the room.

I turned back around to face Edward. He was still looking at me, but I couldn't read the look on his face. He wasn't smiling anymore. I wanted him to smile.

"So, it sounds to me like those shoes bring you joy," he said, looking at my feet.

"I guess. Wait, you heard that?"

He shrugged. "I've been hiding from the mob out back. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I figured I'd show myself when I heard…" His voice trailed off just as his smile came back in full force. "Anyway…"

"Anyway, what?"

"I suppose it was necessary for our ancestors to have comfortable and durable protection for their feet while they were hunting and gathering. Those with the best footwear could walk the farthest without injury," he said, smirking. He was making fun of me. "So, good footwear would naturally bring a person joy. It makes all the sense in the world."

"Very funny," I said, gritting my teeth. He must have thought it was all a big joke.

"And it's very possibly true, and it's just as likely that I'm full of shit," he said, laughing a little.

"Is that how you feel about our list, then?"

"_Our_ list?" he asked. Oh my god, I'd accidentally called it 'our list.'

"Your prescription," I said, correcting myself. "You ate a cheese steak?" It couldn't have all been a joke to him if he'd actually tried a cheese steak. Could it?

"Does it show?" he asked, mockingly looking himself over critically. God, if everyone who ate a cheese steak looked like that, Philadelphia would be a much more attractive city. Beverly Hills would have nothing on us.

"How was it?"

"Like eating one of the seven circles of hell."

"Excuse me?"

He laughed a little, but it was a bitter laugh that didn't meet his eyes. "I hated it, doctor. And my stomach didn't feel right for the rest of the night. But, in all fairness, I think there were other factors at play, that evening."

"You know, it's not only the fat, and the salt and the calories… it's also about the choice. I don't know if eating a hoagie and a cheese steak really prove my point. You've got to try something that appeals to you. Maybe Maine lobster bisque, or a braised lamb shank, or, I don't know, maybe my mom's lasagna." Edward had taken a step into the room, like my little tour of the fatty food pantheon was pulling him in. I couldn't stop babbling. "Or maybe you'd like something sweet. You should try a desert: chocolate mousse, cheesecake, something with a buttery crust."

Edward stopped about a foot from me, and I stopped speaking. I had to. I could hardly breathe. I had the ridiculous impulse to reach out and touch his chest again. But then I remembered how it felt to have his hands on my hips, and I desperately wished he'd reach for me. _We should touch each other, just to see how it felt_, I thought. Just to bring one another to life again.

_Jake, you idiot. Think of Jake!_

Edward bit his lip, and I gazed into his eyes, lost. I gripped the back of a chair to steady myself. "I could do something sweet. I think," he nearly whispered. And there was that wry smile again. Holy shit, he was flirting.

I heard the patter of footsteps coming quickly towards us from outside. Edward glanced up and smiled. "Pixie?"

"Hey guys! Sorry to interrupt, but they're adding the stones. You both have your stones, right?"

"Fuck, Alice, I forgot," Edward muttered.

"You're forgiven this time, Edward. But, _you_ brought one, right, Bella?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's kind of little."

"Well, then you two can share," she said, looking between the two of us and grinning. "I've got to find the other stragglers, but you know what to do, Edward," Alice said, before dashing off out the front door.

"What's with the stones?"

"Something of a Cullen ritual, I guess. That back wall's been fuck-, I mean, falling down forever. So, every time they have people over, they ask them to bring stones to help prop it up, because family and friends are what hold us up, or some shit like that. Carlisle used to make a speech, but these days people just know to go back and find a place where their rock fits."

"I don't think my stone's holding anything up."

"No?"

I pulled the little purple thing out of my pocket and held it out in my palm. "It's from Washington."

"Like you?" he asked, brushing the stone with his fingertip. I shivered, almost like he'd touched me.

"Yeah, like me."

"Well, let's go find a place for it in Pennsylvania," he said, looking me straight in the eye again. It almost looked like Edward held out his hand, but then he stuffed it in his pocket instead. It made the hem of his jeans strain against his hip. God, I wished I were straining against his hip. _Holy crap, Swan, what did that thought even mean_?

"So, do you think you should add another bullet point to the prescription, Dr. Swan? Maybe a quality pair of shoes would change my whole world."

"You don't have a good pair of shoes?"

"I'm afraid I don't. Not after my fucked up Friday night. Which makes this portion of the prescription all the more dire," Edward laughed as we walked through the garden, towards the woodsier portion of the yard. "You should add it for the sake of being thorough." Edward reached around to his back pocket and pulled out a little piece of paper.

"What?"

He held the paper out to me, and I suddenly understood. He'd been carrying my prescription around with him.

"You might think I'm fucking nuts, but I'm sure you've figured out by now that I _always_ take my doctor's advice to heart. Part of the illness."

"Wow," I said, picking the folded prescription out of his palm. I'd be lying if I said I didn't intentionally brush my fingertips against his palm. Just to see what happened. You guessed it: sparks.

"But, I have to admit, I haven't been the most compliant patient," he continued, pulling his hand quickly away from mine. Quick enough that it hurt my feelings a little.

"No?"

"I've been avoiding the uh… practice of procreation." I tripped a little over a root that was sticking up out of the ground, probably because I'd just heard Edward say 'procreation.' He grabbed my elbow, to help keep me from falling, and we both stopped walking for a second, while I found my footing.

"Why?" The question just popped out of my mouth. But, if this man was my fantasy, well, then, the fantasy answer was that he'd been dreaming of me. Anything else would just ruin it.

"Kind of like the cheese steak was probably the wrong choice," he answered, looking at the ground. "I think you need to find the right person to feel real joy, in that particular situation. I wouldn't want to make the same mistake… with a person. Again."

"Oh." It was all I could think to say. My fantasy remained intact. He actually came up with a better answer than my imagination could of. _Damn_. We walked the rest of the way in silence, and when we got to the back wall, guests were picking their way along the uneven ground, searching for a space where their particular stone would fit. I glanced down at my rock again.

"This seems kind of silly. My rock's going to get lost in all of this."

"No, no… check this out. Right here." Edward knelt down in the grass, and pointed to a shallow little hollow in the wall. "Come here, Bella." As if I had any choice when he used my name.

I got down on my knees too, and he smiled at me, taking my breath away again. I stumbled closer to him. _He's just a fantasy, Swan_, I tried reminding myself.

"Here, put it right here," he said under his breath.

I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, 'That's what she said.' But I giggled a little despite myself. I tended towards a seventh-grade sense of humor.

Edward didn't seem to notice anything unusual. I didn't know why he would, really. I was constantly giggling around the man. I lined my rock up with the tiny crevice, and sure enough, it looked like it might just fit. Edward pressed my hand against the wall, pushing the rock into the small space. It ground against the other stones a little, creating a little friction between my skin and Edward's. I think he might have gasped again, but I couldn't be sure because all I could really hear was the blood pounding in my ears.

"Fucking perfect, Bella," he rasped. He was practically holding my hand.

At that moment, my phone buzzed to life in my pocket. I'd pre-programmed the ring. This was a call I had to take. I scrambled to my feet.

"Excuse me," I said, quickly turning away, leaving Edward kneeling on the ground.

"Hello?"

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**Thanks for your reviews! I'm off to edit Part II. Reviews will give me a reason to get it done faster! XXX, M**


	8. Chapter 7, Pt II

**A/N: Wow, what a week! This took much longer to get out than I'd hoped. First, there was this Eclipse promotional thingy that took up an entire day. But I won't apologize, because I got to meet Jackson F-ing Rathbone! And then a little movie called Eclipse came out; I don't know if you've heard of it. But now, on to the story.**

**First, I'd like to thank everyone that's left reviews, or has added this to your favorite lists, or Alerts. I've been completely overwhelmed. Second, thanks to Lindz, my fabulous beta. Without her I'd be really bad at commas. Oh, and a special shout out to my husband. When I asked what a homeless, perfectionist, vegetarian high school punk in Philly in the mid-nineties would listen to, he got it exactly right! One of the reasons I love him.**

**In the following chapter, lyrics from "Carby" and "Slang Tang" are by Discovery, and they're not mine. Lyrics to "Anti-Manifesto" are by Propagandhi, and I don't own those either. All Twilight characters are Stephenie Meyer's, but this story-line is mine. Whew, that was a lot.**

**As a side note, I've had a few comments that Edward is wrong because (insert criticism), or Bella is wrong because (insert criticism). I make no apologies for these characters. They're not perfect, and while they're trying to do their best, they won't always get it right. Like in real life. If this means you don't want to read about them, I understand. But they won't magically become perfect as the story goes on. That being said, I hope you enjoy the next installment! XXX, M**

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**BPOV**

"Hello?"

"_Mama!"_

"Baby, are you okay?"

"_We comin' to get you, mama_." This call was coming a couple of hours earlier than I expected. The plan had been for Rosalie and Nessie to pick me up from the party later in the evening. Jake was a nut about car seat safety, and when I tried to take Nessie's seat out of my car this morning, it seemed like it had been welded into place. Given the fact that Jake worked in a garage, there was a very real possibility that it was, in fact, welded to the car. So, it had simply been easier for Rosalie to take my car to drive Nessie to Jonah's birthday party.

I'd taken the train, and Rosalie, after seeing my boss's fancy address, had offered to pick me up. I'm sure it was just to help me out; it couldn't have had _anything_ to do with her weaseling her way into an exclusive party, uninvited.

"Is everything okay, honey?"

"_Jonah getted sick, and then a turtle peed. He peed on Rosie!"_

"What?"

"_A turtle_ peed_, I said_!" Nessie repeated insistently.

I held the phone away from my ear. Nessie's voice was loud enough that I'm sure even Edward could easily hear. Edward! I'd almost completely forgotten about him. I turned around, but he was nowhere to be seen, almost as if he had actually been a fantasy.

"_Mama, a turtle peed_!"

I put the phone back to my ear, looking around the backyard for Edward, feeling sad and uneasy all at once.

"Right, uh, Nessie, I heard you, baby. Could you put Rose on?"

"_Rosie's angry, mama_," Nessie whispered in a voice that was much louder than her normal speaking voice.

"Put Rose on, baby," I repeated, a little impatiently.

"_Isabella_?" Rosalie nearly growled.

"Rose, what's going on?"

"_Can we pick you up, early, Bell_?"

"Uh, really? How early is early?"

"_Why do you sound disappointed? I thought you didn't want to go to this thing. I figured we'd be doing you a favor_."

As I continued to scan the yard for Edward, Emmett caught my eye and started making his way over. I fought the urge to duck and hide. Actually, leaving early was probably was a very good idea. I'd had enough close encounters with Emmett for one afternoon. I'd made a good impression on the boss and his wife. I hadn't spilled anything on my dress. And then there was Edward. My stomach flip-flopped as I remembered kneeling in the grass with him just a minute ago, the feel of his breath on my face as he said, '_fucking perfect_.' He'd given me more than enough material to keep my fantasy going for weeks.

Meanwhile, my real life was on the other end of the phone. The life where I'd have to make Nessie dinner, and then do at least two loads of wash so we both had something to wear in the morning. The life where Jake was going to come home hungry and grumpy that he'd had to work a weekend shift, and had missed the Mariners game this afternoon. The life where I was supposed to be finding a lawyer to deal with my crazy ex.

I sighed. "It's fine, I guess. You're right, I've put in my time."

"_Then why does it sound like I just took your cake and ate it too_?"

"No, it's just, well… it's been more -" I jumped as two enormous hands began to massage my shoulders.

"So tense," Emmett whispered in my free ear. I swatted his hands away while I tried to put some space between us. "Emmett, I'm on the phone," I hissed.

"Sure, pretty doc, just wanted to let you know Alice is bringing out dessert."

"Thanks," I said, dismissing him with a strained smile.

"Alright, Bella. I'll catch you later," Emmett said, giving me a playful, and thankfully, very gentle punch to the arm.

"_Was that a guy, Bella? A guy named _Eh_-mmett_?" Rosalie asked on the other end of the line, referring to my slip-up the other night when I almost gave Edward's name away.

"No! I mean yes, his name is Emmett, but it's not -"

"Eh_-mmett? And you suddenly don't want to leave? Oh my god, Bella! We're, like, ten minutes away. I've got to see this guy!"_

"Rose, it's not -" But before I could get another word out, Rose hung up.

Well, to hell with dessert, I had about ten minutes to get out of there. I couldn't let Rosalie into the party thinking Emmett was the guy I had a crush on. One glance at him flirting with me and I'd never be able to convince her that Emmett wasn't my fantasy man. And it's not like I was going to introduce her to Edward. Whatever I felt for him, he was still my patient, and Rosalie knew way too much about his case.

Right. Edward was my patient, and I had a boyfriend. Holy crap, I really needed to go.

I found Carlisle and Esme easily. Carlisle asked if I could come in early the next morning to review some of the cases I'd covered while he was away. I agreed with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Surely, Edward's name would come up, and I didn't know how I'd be able to handle that discussion in a professional manner. Then Esme invited me to dinner the following week and I accepted happily, until I realized I was unconsciously hoping that Edward would be there too. Fuck! I really had to leave. Being at this party was hazardous to my sanity.

I looked around for Alice, but I spotted her in the far corner of the yard with Sasha and Emmett. I wasn't touching that with a ten-foot pole. I wanted nothing to do with Sasha after how she'd treated Edward. And once Emmett found out I was leaving, I knew I'd have to deal with a very insistent football player trying to force me out on a date. No way I was dating the boss's son and lusting after his nephew. Not to mention, Swan, that _YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND_!

After completely freaking myself out with my inability to remember Jacob for more than five seconds at a time, I retreated to the house to find my purse. Alice had stashed them all in the front room. I idly wondered what that room would be called, a parlor, or a day room, or maybe a drawing room?

I didn't notice the tall, leggy blonde standing with her arms folded across her chest until I nearly bumped right into her in the parlor, or whatever it was called. I stopped short and I think my mouth might have fallen open. She was easily six feet tall and she was wearing one of those outfits that you wouldn't think people wore in real life. I think I'd seen something very close to it in a Nair commercial, actually. She had on a pink-checked button-down, open low enough to show off her considerable cleavage, and it was tucked securely into a pair of tight, short shorts. Red sparkly teardrop earrings, a thin red patent-leather belt, patent-leather peep-toe pumps, and cherry red nail polish completed the ensemble. And she was looking at me with pity, like I was a small bird that just ran into a window, or something.

"Fuck."

I'd know that 'fuck' anywhere. Leggy blonde and I both turned to glance at the owner of the velvety voice.

Edward was red-faced and obviously trying really hard not to glare at the blonde, his hands deep in his pockets. I could see just a little bit of the waistband of his boxer briefs peaking out from the between his T-shirt and his jeans. God, what was wrong with me? _Stop staring at the man, Swan_!

"I'm sorry, excuse me, I was just leaving," I mumbled, turning around and pulling my purse out of the small pile as unobtrusively as possible.

"You're leaving?" Edward asked.

"Um, yeah, I have a ride coming," I said, glancing over my shoulder at him. I thought he looked disappointed, but it could have been because I'd walked in on him and the blonde.

"You haven't answered me, Edward," the blonde cut in, like Edward and I hadn't said anything at all.

"Can't this wait, Tanya?"

"Oh, yes, we always work around your schedule, don't we?"

"I should go," I said to no one in particular, trying to scoot out of there inconspicuously.

"Tactful, Tanya. Very fucking tactful," Edward growled.

"You're one to talk about tact, asshole."

"That's enough." Edward's voice was clipped and sounded hollow. "I will not have this out here, not today."

I didn't intentionally listen as I made my way down the hall, but it was impossible not to, as their voices grew progressively louder.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have come."

"This is _my_ family!" Edward shouted.

"I've been coming here since I was ten years old, you fuckface! You think you can walk out on me and I'm going to rearrange _my_ life for _you_? That I'll just cut these people out of my life to make_ you_ feel better? I'm not the one in this relationship that does that."

"I thought I explained -"

"After _everything_ I've fucking done to make you feel better! All the shit I put up with, in the hopes that you would fucking feel better, and you never fucking did! And somehow that's my fault!"

"Tanya."

"Go to hell, Edward!"

I heard the loud click of high heels stomping in my direction. I'd made it as far as the kitchen, but I didn't think I could get to the back door without having Tanya run me down. So, I ducked out of the way and pressed my back against the sidewall by the breakfast bar. I don't think Tanya even noticed me as she strode out into the backyard with black eyeliner streaming down her face.

_Holy crap!_ That had not been part of my fantasy. I sunk into the nearest chair, my heart thudding audibly in my chest. It was obvious that Edward had just broken up with that woman. But why did it feel like_ I'd_ been punched in the gut? The answers dangled in front of me, each more unappealing than the next. Firstly, if that was the kind of woman that Edward dated, he would never be interested in me. Secondly, if that was the kind of woman Edward dated, I shouldn't be interested in him.

Which shouldn't have mattered at all, because I had a boyfriend. But it mattered, a lot. And I was crushed, sitting in the chair, playing with the strap of my purse. _Damn! _

"Sorry you saw, or fucking heard all of that. Fuck, Bella, that was the last thing I wanted."

My head shot up to see Edward, his hands still in his pockets, biting his bottom lip, looking off out the back window.

"I wasn't paying attention. I didn't mean to walk in on you two."

"We were in the sitting room. It's not like you burst into a bedroom."

It was called a sitting room. And I didn't want to even think about Edward and that woman in a bedroom.

He was still staring out the window, and I was pretty damn sure he was staring at the tall, leggy blonde bitch. I could hear her sobs drifting into the kitchen from outside. I squeezed my eyes shut reflexively, as if that would block everything out.

"I should fucking leave," he muttered. I opened my eyes and looked at my hands. I still had that little folded piece of paper clutched in my fingers.

"Hey, Edward?" As soon as I'd said his name, Edward's eyes connected with mine. God, I loved his eyes.

"This is yours," I said, placing my hand on the tabletop, holding the folded prescription in my fingers. "I, um, added the thing about shoes. It did seem important, in the grand scheme of things, you know."

My heart skipped a beat when that funny lopsided smile made its reappearance. I couldn't help hoping that maybe I'd made him feel a little better, at least for the moment.

"Thanks."

"Sure."

Edward seemed to hesitate a second before he walked across the room, and he kept sneaking glances at me, like he didn't have permission to look at me anymore, or something. I stood awkwardly to my feet, knocking into the chair I'd been sitting in so that it clattered against the wall.

The barest hint of a smile still hung around his mouth, but in those big green eyes I could see pain and embarrassment, and that other look, that haunted look I'd seen in the lab that first day we'd met. It took everything I had not to wrap my arms around him and to tell him that everything would be all right. That the blonde he'd been fighting with was a bitch, and that he could do better.

But something told me that he actually cared about that woman, and that he didn't want to hear that she was a bitch. He wanted to know that _she_ was going to be all right. _Damn._ I felt the telltale sting in my eyes that let me know tears were threatening, and I blinked quickly to make sure that didn't happen. My god, I was such a basket case. I was taking one of my patient's break-ups personally.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked quietly.

I shook my head and shut my eyes, trying to smile a little, and I held out the little scrap of paper. "I'm an idiot."

"Fuck, Bella. We've just met, but you might be the smartest woman I know."

I felt his fingertips brush against mine, and god, that spark was still there. His hand trembled and his fingertips curled just slightly so that they held onto mine for much longer than necessary. I think, anyway. I couldn't really be sure, because in my mind, I grasped his hand and crawled onto the table to get closer to him. Winding my free arm around his waist, our lips met, our tongues met, and his hand was knotted in my hair, pinning my face against his, pressing my back down against the tabletop as he climbed on top of me.

But really, we stood in the kitchen, our fingers touching across the table, my eyes closed, as I tried not to cry. Yes, I was an idiot, and for so many different reasons.

"Hey, Bella?" he whispered. "Cheer up. Don't forget about your shoes, and the cheeseburger I saw you eating earlier. That's two out of the five ingredients for happiness. Don't tell me our list is a crock of shit."

I opened my eyes to see a tall, gorgeous man staring at me with bemused concern, no matter that he'd just been through a cancer scare and an ugly break-up. He wasn't a fantasy, he was someone real, with real problems, and a really messy life, and a real habit of swearing, from what I could tell. And he was really fucking beautiful.

"There, that's better," he almost whispered. And looking into his eyes, it was better.

"I should go find Emmett. If I stay it would only fuck things up for everyone."

"Okay."

"Will _you_ be okay?"

"I'm leaving too. Just waiting for my ride."

"Bella?" Edward and I both jumped a little and turned to see Esme at the back door, smiling from ear to ear. "I found you! You have to come out and see this!"

"I should actually, maybe, wait out front, Esme. I'm catching a ride home."

"They came through the back way, dear. That's what I wanted you to see." Esme motioned for Edward and I to come out.

The music got louder the closer we walked to the door, and I realized that while I'd been inside it had changed from smooth jazz to Vampire Weekend. It was one of Nessie's favorites. She had very adult taste in music, thanks partially to me. Without any little brothers or sisters or cousins of my own, I didn't really know any kid music. Instead, I'd sung her Death Cab for Cutie and REM to get her to sleep as a baby. It had worked just fine, as far as I could tell; she just preferred college radio to Raffi.

The first thing I noticed as we stepped into the backyard was Sasha and Irina huddled around a table with Tanya, holding her hands, stroking her back and talking in soothing, hushed voices. Laurent, Irina's fiancé, glanced over at Edward and shrugged his shoulders apologetically. On seeing Edward, Sasha whispered in Tanya's ear, and the two of them stalked off towards the back of the yard.

"Fuck," Edward muttered again.

Then I spotted Rosalie and Emmett a couple tables over, their heads bent together, talking conspiratorially. "Oh no," I murmured. That was exactly what I'd wanted to avoid. What if she mentioned the prescription, or the office visit, or the fantasy? That wasn't good at all.

And someone was missing. "Wait, where's Nessie?"

"Who's Nessie?" Edward asked, turning those man-pretty eyes on me, and for a second, I was transported back to my dream - minus the car, and me straddling him, of course.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, dear," Esme explained, patting me on the shoulder. "She's over there." Esme waved her hand towards the corner of the yard where Alice had set up an improvised dance floor. It hadn't been in use when I was out here before, but now guests were crowded in a circle, clapping and bopping to the music.

"She's precious, Bella! How old is she?"

"A daughter?" Edward asked, disbelievingly. He looked shocked, like I'd just given birth right there, or something.

"And she's got quite a personality… She told us exactly what she wanted to dance to. It turns out that she and Alice share the same musical taste."

"She loves to dance, and this is her favorite right now," I explained, craning my neck, trying to catch a glimpse of her.

"That's just what she told Alice and me. She said she wanted to hear the _new_ Vampire Weekend. Not the old one, mind you. And then she informed us that the music we had on was for poopy people."

I cringed, unsure how Esme would take the poop talk. If you gave Nessie enough sugar, she was like a four-year-old Andrew Dice Clay. Coming straight from a birthday party, there was no telling what she'd let rip.

"Sorry," I offered.

"Please, don't apologize! It's wonderful to have a little one around here again. At the rate these three are going, I'll be dead and buried before I have any grandchildren to speak of."

"It's not like Emmett doesn't give it his all," Edward remarked. "He's like a force of nature."

I eyed Emmett and Rosalie, and sure enough, Emmett had reached across the table to hold one of Rose's hands in his. I didn't understand how a guy could seem so good-natured and sleazy all at once. Rosalie saw me looking at her, and quickly pulled her hand away and jumped to her feet. I couldn't help but wince as I noticed her soggy, brown-splotched mini-skirt.

"Edward, do you think you could help me move some things from the car to the house?" Esme asked, brushing invisible lint off his chest. I had a flash of momentary jealousy that she got to touch him so casually like that, but then reminded myself that she was his aunt, for god's sake.

"Of course."

"Excuse us, Bella," Esme said, looking back at the cheering crowd and laughing a little. As she left with Edward, I heard her whisper in a hushed voice, "Edward, dear, what in heaven's name happened with Tanya?"

Wow, this break-up was a real family affair. But then, I thought about what might happen if Jake and I broke up, and I understood completely. My dad would be crushed; Mr. Black was his best friend in the world. And Jake and I were godparents to his sister Rachel's newborn daughter. I bit my lip and fought off tears I couldn't understand, _again_. Why the hell was I acting this way?

"So, I was just talking to _Eh_-mmett over there," Rose said, taking me by surprise. I'd been so lost in my thoughts, that I hadn't even seen her walk over.

"Would you stop calling him _Eh_-mmett?" I grumbled.

"Bell, your fantasy was just hitting on me," she hissed.

"He's not my fantasy! I've been trying to tell you that."

"So, are you saying that your mystery man isn't here?" she asked, eyebrows raised, arms across her chest.

"Yes?"

"Seriously, Bell, you need to take lying classes, or something."

"Fine, he's here," I admitted. "But he is _not_ Emmett Cullen! Don't you think I would have picked up on the fact that he had the same last name as my boss?"

"I guess," she allowed. "You're sure it's not Emmett?"

"I think I should know who my own fantasy is."

With that comment, Rose's face lit up and she smiled bigger than I'd seen in years. "Whew! Because the guy was all over me, Bell," she whispered.

"Yeah, I hear he gets around."

"I wouldn't mind getting around that," she mumbled.

"Rosalie Hale, what did you just say?"

Rose's cheeks turned a pale shade of pink. Honestly, I think it was the first time I'd ever seen her blush. Then she looked away so that I couldn't see her face.

"He's going to give me a ride home."

"What?" I was flabbergasted.

"Bell, I'm covered in soda, kiddy vomit and tortoise piss. I can't stay here another second."

"We don't have to stay, Rose. I just have to extract Nessie."

Rose raised her eyebrows and nodded towards the dance floor. Someone had moved a table into the middle and Alice and Nessie were up there together, shaking their backsides at the crowd. "You've got your hands full with that one, Bell."

"Don't I know it."

"Listen, it's going to take a little while getting Ness out of here. Don't rush it. University City is completely out of the way for you. I, um, really don't mind," Rose added with a sheepish shrug of her shoulders.

"Really? That guy?" I asked, nodding towards Emmett. In response, he got up from his seat and flashed a smile at me, or Rose, or both of us. Who could tell, really?

"It's just a ride, Bell. Now shut up, or I'm going to launch an investigation to root out the real mystery man at this party. It shouldn't be hard: he's gorgeous, with a name that begins with '_Eh_.'"

And she would, too.

"_Fine_. Just stay safe, okay? From what I've seen, Emmett's got more hands than an octopus."

"Don't worry. I'm wearing natural man repellent," Rose laughed, as she gave me a quick hug and jokingly tried to brush her soggy skirt against my dress.

"Rose!" I yelped, jumping out of the way.

We both giggled and turned to look at Ness. She was bowing to the applauding crowd, and I could just hear her saying, "Thank you. Thank you very much."

"Ready babe?" Emmett asked, winding his arm around Rosalie's waist. Really? He'd just tried the same move on me not two hours ago. So much for the man repellent.

"All set. See ya', Bell." Rose gave me another quick hug.

"Bye, doc," Emmett said with a wave and a wink. I shook my head. Emmett had nerve; I'd give him that. And I didn't get Rosalie's behavior at all. After turning down dozens of seemingly nice guys, she was interested in Emmett? Emmett Cullen might have been even worse than Royce, if you asked me. Well, except that Emmett probably couldn't fit inside a closet, so there could be no supply closet quickies with him. That was a plus, I suppose.

I shook my head as I made my way over to the dance floor crowd. Alice and Nessie were gyrating to "Sexy Back", and I couldn't help giggling at Nessie's mash-up of ballet and hip-hop moves. I thought only a four-year-old could get away with something like that, but Alice was copying Ness with remarkable grace, making the dance look practically legit.

As soon as Nessie saw me, she started jumping up and down. "It's mama, Alice! It's mama! Mama! Mama!" Nessie waved frantically and people stepped back to let me through. Nessie jumped off the table and into my arms.

Words began immediately pouring from Nessie's mouth as she hugged me tight. "I see'ed elephants, and giraffes, and a polar bear, and a really, really, _really_ big turtle!" Nessie held her hands out wide for emphasis. "And then I danced with Alice and peoples watched me like I was on a big stage! The turtle peed on Rosie!"

"I think it was a tortoise," I commented, giving her another hug.

Nessie scrunched her eyebrows together, confused. "No, a turtle. It had a shell for a home. And it peed and peed and peed all over her," she giggled.

"Nessie! Rose was upset about that."

"But it was funny!" Nessie protested.

"Hey, where are you taking my new best friend?" Alice laughed, making her way towards us through the dispersing crowd. Her forehead was glistening with perspiration, but she looked as effortlessly chic as ever.

"That's Alice, mama. She's a good dancer."

"And so are you, Vanessa! Not to mention your daring fashion sensibility," Alice chirped, twirling a finger through one of Nessie's curls. "I love what you've got going on here." Today Nessie had paired a fuchsia tunic with navy polka dots, with knee-length plaid shorts, and pink Chuck Taylors. It was one of her more conservative looks.

"Carlisle says you're leaving early," Alice said, giving me the same pouty look she'd given Esme in the driveway.

"I guess. I thought I was, anyway. My friend Rose -"

"Got peed on by a turtle!" Nessie snickered, covering her hands with her mouth. I smacked her lightly on the back of the head, reminding her that it wasn't nice to laugh at other people's misfortune. Nessie scowled and squirmed out of my arms.

"But she just, uh, got another ride home."

"Emmett?" Alice asked, narrowing her eyes. I guess it made sense that she'd figured it out; she _had_ known Emmett his whole life.

"Yep," I agreed. "Alice, should I be worried about-"

"Mama!" Nessie suddenly shouted, interrupting me in mid-sentence.

"Baby, say 'excuse me'."

"'Scuse me! 'Scuse me!" Nessie said, dancing at our feet.

"What is it, Nessie? And you don't have to shout, baby."

"It's a secret," she hissed urgently, still dancing, waving her arms wildly to try to get me to stoop down so that she could whisper in my ear.

"Sorry, Alice," I said, dropping to my knees. But Alice dismissed the interruption with a wave. Alistair happened to walk by and she grabbed his arm and dragged him out onto the dance floor, where she literally started dancing circles around him.

"I gotta pee, mama," Nessie hissed in my ear, pressing her thighs together. "I gotta pee _a lot_." We just barely managed to get her on the toilet in time.

"Why there are two potties?" she asked, before hopping off the toilet seat.

"That one's not a potty. It's bidet, I think." I'd seen one once when I was in Europe with James, just before medical school.

"What a bidet is?"

"Well, after you poop, you can sit on it, and it shoots water up your butt to clean it."

Nessie started laughing so hard that she tottered where she sat. "Water up my butt," she laughed, toppling off of the toilet seat, and falling onto the floor. She hit her knees on the tiles and her laughter promptly turned to loud wails. I had to try not to laugh, myself.

"Baby, are you okay?" I asked, picking her up off the floor, checking for obvious injuries, helping her to wipe and pull up her pants, all at once.

"That potty hurt me! I want to use the other potty instead."

"Ness, you just peed. And that isn't a potty."

"I want water on my butt!" she cried.

"You don't need to use the bidet, sweetie."

"Pa-lease! I. Need. The. Bidet!"

"Come on, Ness. Let's wash your hands."

"I wanna play with dat! I wanna play with the bidet!"

"Vanessa, the bidet is not a toy. Now let's wash your hands!"

"I don't wanna!"

Well, now that Rose was gone we could technically stay longer, but Nessie was rapidly approaching full-blown breakdown mode. At the end of a long day, after a birthday party at the zoo, and then dancing for everyone at the Cullens', it wasn't surprising. "Come on, Ness, let's get a move on," I said, picking her up, and positioning her hands under the stream of water.

"I don't wanna move on!" she whined.

"I know baby, but we should get home. Jake's going to be home soon."

"I wanna stay!"

"We'll make Jake some dinner."

"I don't want dinner!"

"And we can watch a video before bed."

"No—o-o-o-!"

I heard footsteps in the hall momentarily pause by the bathroom door before continuing on. "Come on, Ness. Let's pull it together."

Nessie had dissolved into a whiny, clingy, sobbing mess, her little hands wrapped around the edge of the porcelain sink, her feet stomping on the tiles. Another set of footsteps walked past the bathroom door. I really didn't want to leave everyone with a last impression of me yelling and wrestling a screaming and kicking child into the car.

There was one thing that I knew would help in this situation. I hated to do it.

"Do you want cherry water ice, Ness?"

Nessie's foot froze in mid-stomp, and she looked up at me with wide, wet eyes. "I want cherry ice," she quietly whined.

"Then be a good girl, and no more whining, and listen to mama, and then we'll get you ice before we go home." It wasn't my finest moment, but I wasn't above bribery in situations such as these. I grabbed Nessie's hand and pulled her down the hall and towards the front entry. I'd already said my goodbyes, and I didn't want to risk bringing Ness out back again, where she might get pulled into dancing or eating, and we'd have another scene on our hands.

Nessie pranced next to me, chanting, "We gonna get cherry ice, we gonna get cherry ice…" I pulled my keys from my pocket, opened the front door, and nearly tripped over Edward sitting on the front step, his head held in his hands.

"Edward!"

"I'm gonna get cherry ice!"

Seated, Edward was eyelevel with Nessie, and as he turned around, Nessie's chubby little face was right in front of him. "I'm gonna get cherry ice!" she repeated.

At first, Edward's expression was hard and flat, but when he looked at Ness, a little of the light returned to his eyes, and I saw the twitch of a smile on his lips. He cocked his head to the side and opened his mouth just a little, like he was about to say something. But no words came.

"You pretty," Nessie cooed.

Like mother, like daughter, I guess.

"Ness, boys are handsome."

"But his eyes are pretty, mama," Ness said looking up at me. Edward glanced up at me too; and there was no hiding his smile now. And he did have the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen.

"Ness, this is Edward, Alice's cousin. Edward, this is my daughter, Vanessa," I said. Edward blinked a couple times, before he looked back at Nessie again.

"I Nessie Swan."

"Nessie?" Edward asked.

"Her nickname."

"Jake did it," Nessie explained. "He gived it to me."

"I like it," Edward said, smiling.

Nessie smiled big and pressed her cheek to her shoulder in her best, exaggerated cute look.

"You're like a tiny version of your mom."

"No, I not," Nessie said in a singsong voice. "I _big_, not tiny."

Edward grinned and looked between Nessie and I. "Still, I bet one day, you'll look just as… just like… your mom. But with curls."

"Okay," Nessie allowed. "And I'm gonna have cherry ice!"

"All right, Ness. We've taken up enough of Edward's time."

"No problem there. I've got time to spare," Edward laughed bitterly.

"Wait a second, Emmett left you here?"

"There's a train in an hour," he said, shrugging.

"You're going to wait out here for an hour?"

Edward gave a wry smile. "No, the walk to the station should take about twenty minutes."

"Do you want a ride?"

"What?"

"A ride? You shouldn't have to sit out here." I was indignant. I wasn't about to get into the family politics of it all, but it seemed completely wrong that the Cullen's nephew should have to sit outside, while his ex and her posse got the run of the place. Unless, whatever he'd done had been so inexcusable that Esme had asked him to leave. If that was the case, should I even let him in the car with my daughter?

"I don't _have_ to sit here, I chose to. I should have known she'd still come," Edward half-mumbled to himself, shaking his head.

No, I couldn't believe he'd done anything wrong; the irrational part of my brain wouldn't allow my fantasy to fade that completely. Choosing my fantasy over the reality that was staring me in the face was dangerous, a much more sober and sane portion of my brain piped up. _Shut up_, I nearly hissed out loud to my sober and sane self.

"Come on, Edward. I'm sure you have better things to do than wait on the porch."

"Like cherry ice!" Nessie cheered, jumping up and down between the step and the lawn. Cherry ice! Ewoord, come get cherry ice!"

"But I don't like cherry ice," Edward chuckled.

Nessie's mouth fell open and she stopped jumping. "Why not?" she almost whispered.

"Well, when I was little, I liked watermelon instead."

"Eeww!" Ness scrunched up her face in a look of pure disgust.

"To each their own, little Bell," Edward said, rising to his feet. My heart fluttered in my chest as I watched the muscles shifting underneath Edward's clothing, and once again I had to hold myself back from touching him: his chest, his waist, his hip, anything. That annoyingly sober part of my brain warned me that this ride was a very bad idea, but I thought about that blonde bitch, and the crowd of sympathetic people surrounding her, and I couldn't leave him stranded here. After all, if my friend hadn't gone home with Emmett, Edward wouldn't have this problem in the first place.

"I've got to warn you, there are rules if you ride with us." I couldn't believe I was speaking with such a calm and steady voice, given the war raging in my head and the palpitations in my heart.

"Rules?"

"What are the car rules, Ness?"

"No candy or gum, or nothing that's gonna stick to the seats."

"Hardly a problem," Edward laughed, reaching out for Ness' hand.

"And no bad words," Nessie added, skipping along the path.

I raised my eyebrows challengingly, and couldn't help but smile.

Edward rolled his eyes, then glanced down at Nessie and squeezed her hand. "I'll try my best.

"You say bad words?" Nessie asked.

Edward shrugged. "Sometimes."

"Mama used to say bad words when she drived. I tolded her it wasn't nice."

Edward grinned at me. "Dr. Swan, I'm shocked. _Friggin'_ shocked."

"Is friggin' a bad word, mama?"

"Don't push your luck, Edward."

"I'm pushing it already, Bella."

xXxXx

It took longer than usual to get situated in the car. Ness wanted Edward to buckle her into her seat, and he'd obviously never seen a car seat in his life. I noticed that he sat down somewhat tentatively in the passenger seat, as he eyed the odd assortment of plastic toys and game pieces at his feet, and the pile of papers, compacts and lip gloss in the front console.

"Sorry for the mess," I said, pulling away from the curb and heading for the nearest Rita's.

"No, uh -"

"I wanna listen to music," Ness shouted from the back seat.

"Okay, baby."

"Ewoord's music!"

"Baby, I don't know if Edward has music."

"Do you have music, Ewoord?"

"She means an iPod. I have a dock," I clarified.

"I do, but it's -"

"Pa-lease! Pa-lease, Ewoord!" Ness interrupted.

"I don't know, Bella. I don't think -"

"Pa-lease?" I could hear the mounting urgency in Nessie's voice. She was about one minute from dissolving into irrational tears.

"Listen, Edward, she's tired. And if you want a decent ride, let's just put your music on for a minute. Otherwise, this," I said, nodding back towards Ness, " this is going to seem tame, and you'll have to watch me switch into mean mom mode."

It looked like Edward was considering whether or not to say something, but then he forked over his iPod Nano without another word. I popped it onto the dock and turned on the radio. Edward had been listening to loud, poppy nineties skater punk. I could almost place it. It was a little heavy, but I looked back to see Nessie bopping her head.

"_Dance, laugh and play._

_Ignore the message we convey…"_

"Bella, I don't know. I think -"

"_We're knee deep in shit! … And I don't care any fucking more! …"_

Nessie opened her eyes wide and puckered her mouth in a little "o". I immediately turned down the volume. "I want Ewoord's music back!" Ness whined.

"Maybe the next song?" I suggested.

"_Firestorm, My Ass_?" he laughed. "I don't think so. Maybe we should listen to something of yours, instead."

"Mama likes a Smiths," Nessie piped up.

"The Smiths?" Edward looked surprised.

"What's wrong with The Smiths?"

"A celibate vegetarian moaning about how he wants to die? _That_ brings you joy?" Edward asked, turning his whole body so that he was facing me. God, even with Ness around, even in my messy car, even as he challenged my musical taste, the space between us was still charged and my body buzzed.

I shrugged. "I started listening to them in high school."

"So did I. I bought Meat is Murder when I was thirteen. I was a sucker for vegetarian anti-establishmentarianism. Guess I wasn't thinking about joy."

"Maybe Ness can help us out." I glanced back into the rearview mirror. "Ness, Edward wants to listen to something happy. What do you think is happy?"

"_Carby_!" she shouted.

"_Carby_? Is that like Barney?"

"Hardly." I flipped through my iPhone and scrolled to Discovery, popped it in the dock and hit play. Electro pop bubblegum dance music filled the air, and Nessie started shouting along in the background, remarkably in tune. She knew more words than I did.

"_But, wait_

_Oh, it's much too late_

_Oh, and I cannot be walking home_

_Until I've found my love…"_

"Dance, Ewoord!" Nessie shouted from the backseat.

He couldn't help smiling at Nessie's antics. No one could, really, as her curls flew and she sang along, slapping the arms of her seat in time with the beat. But she kept her eyes on Edward, waiting for him to dance.

Edward glanced at me and raised his eyebrows. I shrugged my shoulders in reply. "You heard the girl. Dance, Edward."

Edward began cautiously bopping his head and I shook my own head a little in sympathy. But I had to stop watching as I navigated a tricky set of turns.

"Yay! We're all dancing!"

Edward chuckled, and I felt that little twinge again. You know, _that_ twinge. Even with my daughter in the car. Yikes. I gulped and glanced at Edward out of the corner of my eye. He was almost completely turned around towards Ness, shimmying in his seat and thrashing his head. Nessie's moves were more frenzied than ever as they spurred one another on. Well, a car seat dance-off wasn't exactly my fantasy, but it would definitely suffice.

As the song faded, Ness clapped and cheered and I could feel her almost humming with anticipation. "Carby" was only the beginning of her game. I bit my lip, glancing quickly at Edward and he smiled back at me - an unabashed, breathtaking smile. He was having fun.

"Slang Tang's next, right mama?"

"Uh, Ness, I don't know if that's such a good idea, right now."

"Why-ee?"

"Umm," I watched Edward running his fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his eyes. It was a mess after the head banging. "Ugh, I mean, uh, okay," I stammered.

The next song began with a slightly slower, dancehall beat, and Wes Miles, accompanied by Nessie, lamented that he was going to have to change his sheets.

"_Sticky, sticky, sticky, sticky, sticky, sticky in my bed_," Ness and Wes loudly complained together.

I felt my cheeks blushing scarlet, and I kept my eyes on the road. Edward immediately began to chuckle, but after another chorus about sticky sheets, his sincere, uncontrollable laugher practically drowned out the embarrassing lyrics. Nessie, encouraged, sang even louder, and Edward laughed harder.

"_I need to wash, I need to wash, I need to wash my sheets or I'm'a go insane."_

Finally, the song ended, and Nessie clapped and cheered again. I glanced over to see Edward wiping the tears from his eyes.

"You don't think I'm a bad mom, letting her sing that?"

"I think you need to put that shi-, that _stuff_ on YouTube."

By this time, I'd pulled into the Rita's parking lot. Edward managed to get Nessie out in half the time it took to get her belted in. He was a smart man, I decided. Well, maybe not with relationships, but clearly I'd seen him and Tanya at their low point. I decided to try to withhold judgment. Maybe once upon a time, they were spectacular together. But I didn't like that idea either, and decided to simply banish Tanya from my thoughts completely.

Edward held the door for Ness and me, and by the time he made it to the counter, Nessie was already chatting with the counterperson, ordering a kid's sized cherry water ice, and telling her about Rosalie and the turtle pee.

"And for you?" the teenager behind the counter asked me.

"A small mango ice."

"You, um, sir?" the girl asked Edward with wide, starry eyes. I couldn't blame her for a second. I'm sure it wasn't everyday that someone like Edward walked into the store.

Edward seemed almost embarrassed as he ordered a watermelon ice and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. _Lucky wallet_, I thought to myself. My thoughts stalled on Edward's back pocket, or more accurately, what was underneath that layer of worn denim, and I realized too late that he intended to pay for all of us.

"Edward, no, I can pay."

"Not a chance. I haven't laughed that hard in years. It's the least I could do."

We settled on a bench underneath a tree, Nessie seated between the two of us, swinging her feet and humming Discovery songs as she happily got to work on her ice. The sun was starting to set and it was finally cooling down. The light breeze felt almost nice. I watched as Edward hesitantly took a spoonful of his water ice. I half expected him to spit it out on the sidewalk, but I relaxed a little after I saw him swallow and go in for another bite.

"So?" I asked, placing my plastic spoon in my cup, and leaning back on my hands.

"Just like I remembered it," he said, staring into his cup. It looked tiny in his big, well-manicured hands.

"Like one of the seven circles of hell?"

"No," he whispered, glancing up to meet my eyes. "Sweet."

I felt like I was caught all over again, and I was powerless to look away. I gulped, Edward bit his bottom lip, and Nessie sang the lyrics to "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend_" _under her breath. Edward put his cup down, and slid his hand along the bench behind Nessie, until it was covering mine. I held my breath as I felt his warmth bleed into my skin, race up my arm, and ignite me from the inside out. Edward smiled a little and I leaned in towards him, over Nessie's head. "Hey there," he whispered.

A car backfired as it passed on the street, and it broke the spell. All three of us jumped a little. Nessie tumbled backwards, and Edward and I caught her in our arms. We righted her and mopped up spilled cherry ice with some paper napkins, and Edward and I peered at one another sheepishly.

"So, let me get this straight," Edward said, suddenly studying his ice again. "You won't let Nessie listen to music by vegan anarcho-activists, but you'll let her listen to songs about boys with sticky beds?"

"Maybe he spilled juice in the bed," Nessie offered. "Or syrup." Edward and I both laughed and Nessie looked pleased.

"Yeah, Edward. Who says the song isn't about syrup? What's wrong with syrup?" I challenged.

"How exactly do you think the syrup got into his bed?" Edward laughed a little.

God, was he implying what I thought he was implying? He smiled at me, and looked away laughing, taking another bite of his ice. He was. He definitely was. And it was indecent and hot, and my daughter was sitting between us.

"How long has it been?" I asked.

"Since?" he asked, his eyes twinkling. There was a good chance he thought I was still talking about syrup. Had there really been syrup in his bed once? Or maybe there'd been something else sticky? My subconscious screamed out possibilities: honey, whipped cream, Jell-O.

"Since your last watermelon ice?" the saner portion of my brain answered.

Edward shook his head a little, and studied the tiny cup in his hands. "Twenty-five years."

"Holy cra -, I mean, wow."

"My mother used to take me."

"Your mommy likes cherry ice?" Ness asked.

"Orange, actually." Edward looked at Ness, and she wrinkled her nose in disgust. Edward laughed a little. "I don't like artificial orange flavoring either, Little Bell."

"So let me get this straight," I teased. "No to artificial orange flavoring, but yes to artificial watermelon?"

Edward shrugged, took one last enormous bite of his ice, and then tipped the cup to his lips to slurp the last of the syrup. "Yes to the syrup. Do you have a problem with that, Bella?"

I found it hard to look away from his lips, glistening with sticky sweetness. God, how I wanted to taste them. I gulped, and looked back at my nearly empty cup. There was no way I was in any shape to answer.

"I done!" Nessie called out.

xXxXx

By the time we had Nessie strapped in her seat again, she was completely passed out. I watched as Edward pushed the curls out of her face before he quietly shut the back door, and checked to make sure that it was locked.

"Where are we headed?" I asked, as he settled into the front seat.

"Do you know Spruce Hill, over in West Philly? Near 43rd and Pine?"

"Sure, I used to live near there. Are you, uh, a grad student or a professor or something?"

"No, I'm staying with Emmett. I'm kind of… homeless at the moment."

"Oh."

As we made our way to Falls Bridge, I popped the iPhone back into the port. Discovery's re-mix of The Jackson Five's "I Want You Back" was on.

"I like this. It's definitely happy music. Nessie was right."

"So was Propagandhi. But I couldn't keep the swearing on with Nessie. She's like a parrot with a sponge in its beak. I'd get a phone call tomorrow from her camp counselor saying that Nessie was telling the kids she was knee deep in shit. She gets in enough trouble already, without that."

"You knew who it was?" Edward seemed impressed.

"It took a couple minutes. But sure. _Less Talk, More Rock_ is a classic. I didn't know the song you played, though."

"It's off their first album."

"Oh. I guess that was before my time," I giggled. Edward rolled his eyes. "So, uh, Alice says Emmett has something to do with football?"

"He's a coach at Penn. He played for the Eagles a few years back."

"Well, I guess that explains things."

"What things?"

"Rose is a big Eagles fan. Never misses a game, season passes, the whole nine."

Edward nodded his head knowingly. "Don't worry. It'll be the sweetest break-up she's ever had."

"Excuse me?" I was immediately offended for my friend.

"But you'd think that after all these years, maybe I'd have learned something from him."

"No, no, wait. Back up. You just assume Emmett's going to break up with Rose?"

"It's nothing personal, I just know Emmett."

"And I know Rose. There's a very good chance Emmett won't even get her number, let alone more than one date."

"Oh, I bet there's going to be a date."

"You're on, Masen. What's the bet?" But Edward didn't answer. As we came up to a stop light on Baltimore, I turned to see Edward studying me, his head cocked to the side. He might have been biting the inside of his cheek instead of his lip this time.

"An indulgent meal," he said in a voice so soft and low that it blended with the quiet hum of the engine.

"What?"

"Indulgent food, in moderation. The winner's choice."

"Uh…"

"An indulgent lunch," he quickly amended, seeing my hesitancy. "I've enjoyed our lunches."

Holy crap! He was asking me on a date. Oh my god! What had I done? What was I doing? I'd never done anything like this before. I'd completely led him on, and I'd completely wanted to, and I wanted to go out with him, and, and… and… I took a deep breath.

"Lunch? Edward, listen, I didn't mean to… I wasn't… I have a boyfriend."

Edward didn't miss a beat. "Jake? The giver of the nickname?"

"Yeah, Jake," I agreed as I pulled up to the address Edward had given me. The ornate Victorian duplex was breathtaking. Forget it; if Rose saw this house, I was losing the bet, big time.

"Bella," Edward began, glancing back at Nessie. "I would never want to fuck up what you have here. I wasn't trying to… I know what I'm capable of. I like your company, a lot. I'm not going to lie; you make me feel better, about everything. Fucking happy. But right now, I'm fucked. Like, seriously fucked. And Jake's a lucky man. So, lunch? Not a date?"

_Say no! Say no, damn it! You know you have to say no!_

"Okay. Not a date."

_Holy crap._

"Not a date, then. Night, Bella. Give Little Bell a hug for me." He swung the car door open without looking back. Jesus, he was just going to leave?

"Edward!" I said more frantically than I'd intended.

Edward turned back towards me, and his green eyes were practically glowing, so open and vulnerable. My quick intake of air was involuntary, and it drew his scent deep into my body. I held my breath for a few seconds, unwilling to let that little piece of him go.

"Thanks for the ice."

"And thanks for the ride, Bella. I'll be in touch about lunch, after my cousin's inevitable date."

I silently prayed that Rose had turned Emmett down. Our lunch would happen that much sooner.

"You said you were happy just before?"

"Thanks for that too, Dr. Swan. Your prescription might be helping after all."

xXxXx

I tucked Ness into bed, closed her blinds and turned on her nightlight. It was early, but she was completely out. It meant she'd be up at some ungodly hour in the morning, starving for a huge breakfast. I kissed her on the cheek and she sighed in her sleep and pressed her chubby cheek against my lips. Little Bell.

I left Ness' door open a crack, and ran down to the basement to start a load of wash, then jogged back upstairs to see what I could throw together for Jake's dinner. But as I gazed at the contents of the refrigerator, all I could think about was what I'd make for Edward if I won the bet. At first I considered pancetta risotto, decadent and light, but then I remembered that he'd been vegetarian at some point, maybe even up until he ate that hoagie at my office. With that thought, I started pulling summer veggies out of the refrigerator, and before I knew it, I was making vegetable fajitas with cojita cheese crumbles and a chili lime sauce to drizzle on top. I was experimenting with a homemade avocado dressing when two strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist from behind. Jake planted a little kiss just behind my ear.

"What's all this, baby?"

"Dinner, what do you think?" I said, wriggling free from his embrace.

"I think this looks inspired. Thanks, Bells," Jake said, pulling a beer out of the refrigerator and leaning back against the countertop.

"How were things at the garage today?"

"A couple chicks came in with overheating SUV's, a couple oil changes. But there's something I wanted to talk to you about. Something big."

"Something big?" I asked, setting plates on the table.

"Bells, stop for a second and listen, okay? I got you an appointment with this guy."

"A guy? What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to imagine what kind of appointment he could have possibly made for me. Maybe another physical therapist? I hadn't gone to the gym since Wednesday, and I'd been limping a little more than normal these past couple days.

"A lawyer. He's the best, Bells. He deals with kids and custody and he wins every time."

"How do you know?"

Jake shrugged. "Paul told me about him. His cousin used him, and then I checked it out on the Internet. I called on Thursday, but I didn't hear back and I wasn't going to mention it, even. But his assistant got back to me today. She said he'd see us."

"A man? I don't know, Jake."

"Bell, this is big. He's the best. Does it really matter if it's a guy?"

"When is the appointment?"

"Tomorrow at noon."

"Jake, I have work!"

"Isabella Swan, this is important, for your daughter's safety," Jake said, crossing the kitchen, and placing a hand on either side of my face and looking into my eyes. His eyes were brown, a little darker than mine. At night, they tended to look black. Once, I thought that was mysterious, but I was used to it now, comfortable that I could never see myself inside there. After all, I didn't have to see, I just knew. With everything Jake had done, he'd showed me what I meant to him.

I didn't want to hurt him. Up until I met Edward, I hadn't even considered that I might. Jake and I were a done deal. A family, kind of.

"Now, you covered that doctor's ass all last week. The least he could do is give you some extra time for lunch. Baby, I'm just trying to keep my girls safe, the only way you'll let me, the legal way. I won't ever let anything happen to you and Ness," he said, placing a dry kiss on my lips.

"I'll talk to Carlisle," I said, pulling out of his embrace to finish setting the table. "I'm going in early, so maybe I can get away for a longer lunch break. Where's the office?"

"16th and JFK. I could meet you there."

"Isn't there a park right over there? The one with the fountain and the love sign?"

"Love Park? Yeah, it's right across the street. I'll meet you at the fountain, just before noon."

"Not so fast. I'll ask Carlisle in the morning and I'll let you know."

"Dude, Bells, get him to say yes. It was like moving a mountain to get this appointment."

"Thanks, Jake. Really. For everything."

I had a hard time eating dinner that night, the dinner that I'd inadvertently prepared for Edward. I had an even harder time sleeping. I finally drifted off thinking about Edward and I kneeling in the grass, his hand pressed over mine, his warm breath on my face.

"_Fucking perfect, Bella."_

After that, the phone hadn't wrung, Tanya never came, and my real life and my fantasy blended together into one sexy and satisfying dream.

* * *

**A/N: What is Bella doing? Or maybe she hasn't done anything wrong? Does Edward really think they can have an un-date? Opinions? What do you think? M**


	9. Chapter 8

**EPOV**

Emmett's house was a lot like him, enormous and cheery. But tonight as I jogged up the stairs to the small office where I'd been sleeping on a pullout, it was dark and surprisingly quiet. Em couldn't stand to be alone, so he'd rented out the second floor to his friends from high school, Eric and Tyler. Yep, high school. Emmett was the friendliest fucker I knew, he kept in touch with people like that.

But tonight everyone was out, leaving me alone with my fucking thoughts. I had plenty of them and they were good company, for once.

I plopped down on the uncomfortable mattress, grabbed the iPod out of my back pocket, scrolled through the playlist until I found Propagandi, and popped the ear buds into my ears. My head was swimming. That wasn't exactly how I'd thought the afternoon at my aunt and uncle's house would go. I didn't dream that I'd spend most of my time with Isabella and Vanessa Swan.

Actually, this morning I hadn't been thinking about the afternoon at all. I'd been fucking trying to catch up on work. I'd called Lauren in, and we'd spent the better part of the morning cleaning up the mess I'd made of the last half of the week. I'd been so pre-occupied with my own shit, that I'd let things at the office slide, and that wasn't how I operated. I didn't do anything half-assed, least of all my work.

But then Emmett had tracked me down at the office and threatened to wrestle me into his Jeep in order to get me to the party. I knew he wasn't kidding. He'd be all too happy to do something like that in front of Lauren. Then he'd ask her out and she'd say yes. For that reason alone, I went along quietly.

"What the fuck, Emmett?" I asked, as I slammed the car door.

"Alice's orders. She says you've got to be there," he said with a shit-eating grin on his face. Alice may have told him to do this, but Emmett fucking loved every minute of it.

"Then, maybe you and Alice can find me some more fucking clients when I fucking lose the cases I was just working on."

"You're not hurting for clients, you dipshit. Stop being so dramatic. When did you turn into a girl on me?" I choked on my own spit as I thought about my fucking man-gina. He'd never let me live it down if he found out about that shit.

Thoughts about my girlish balls and all the work I wasn't getting done had me in a pretty foul mood by the time we got to Carlisle and Esme's. But then Alice had pushed me into Bella in the garage, and the whole fucking afternoon suddenly turned on its head. The way Bella's delicate hips fit in my hands, and the way the thin cotton of her dress rubbed against her bare skin, well, I could easily imagine how it would feel to hold her without that meager barrier in the way. And I'd had to make a very concerted effort not to slide my hands back to cup her ass and pull her towards me. With her all flushed and perspiring in that dark space, as that angel-pretty dress clung to her, my body was fucking shouting for me to do it. Instead, we stood so close in that hot ass garage and we whispered, and it was one mental jump away from a bedroom somewhere, with her breath on my neck, and my name on her lips.

As I unbuttoned my fly in Emmett's dim little home office, I thought about how she was warm and soft and looked at her feet, how her hair brushed the tops of her perky tits, and how I wondered if she was wearing a bra, or if they just naturally defied gravity like that, and how I could see the cleft between her tits from where I was standing, how that sweet spot glistened with just a little bit of sweat, and how I'd like to lick it away.

And I didn't fucking stop myself, like I had in real life, when I'd stepped back so I didn't accidentally assault my doctor with my cock. No, this time I did fucking cup her ass, and I placed an open mouthed kiss behind her ear, and she sighed, and her body fell against mine, those tits rubbing against my chest. I fucking picked her off the ground so that I could kiss and lick my way to that place between her tits as I ground her into my aching erection, and she whispered my name in my ear.

"_Edward_," she fucking moaned.

Fuck.

It wasn't like I had clothing to spare these days. I pulled off my suddenly sticky T-shirt and mopped the rest of the cum off my chest, then pulled the sheets off the mattress, so I had a good excuse to wash my shirt. After dumping it all into the washing machine, I took a quick shower, where I fucking thought about Bella a few more times: on the grass by the wall, on my aunt's kitchen table, on a bed with syrup. Enough said. In fifteen minutes I'd mentally torn off that little white sundress enough times that I'm sure its days were numbered.

I heard my cell ringing as I walked down the hall from the bathroom with a towel around my waist, dripping water on the wood floors. I hurried to catch the call with the ridiculous idea that somehow _she_'d gotten my number. She wanted to talk, she wanted to see me, and she was on her way back.

But when I picked the phone off the desk, it was about the opposite of what I'd hoped, and I had to hold myself back from throwing the phone against the wall. Lauren had enough to do tomorrow without replacing my Blackberry. Of course it wasn't Bella. Bella had a life: a cute little kid, a boyfriend, and normalcy. It was a far cry from my fucked up existence: homeless, clothesless, and apparently fielding calls from fucking Tanya.

"Tanya."

That's right, I answered it. There was no way I could move on with my life if Tanya wouldn't. And we needed to settle this shit, if only for our families. Esme had been fuming when she found out what Sasha had pulled in the garage. She was primed to march out into the backyard and ask her closest friend in the world to leave, and to take her family with her. I had to start fixing this for her and for Carlisle, if not for Tanya and myself.

"_Edward, what if I'm pregnant?" _So much for small talk.

"If you're pregnant, then it's not my kid." Tanya was talking shit and she knew it. Even if the dates matched up, and they fucking didn't, there was about a one in a million chance that I could impregnate anyone.

"_Don't say that. You know I've only been with you."_

"The last time was more than a month ago. Don't push me on this Tanya. You can't win this argument."

"_Sometimes women don't know right away. And tests come back negative, and -"_

She fucking pushed. "And you had your fucking period twenty-one days ago. First, wait a week. Then, if you're pregnant, it's either immaculate fucking conception, in which case you should consult god and leave me the fuck out of it, or it's not fucking mine."

"_You're a sick fuck, Edward. You memorize when I get my period?"_

"And I know how many forks are in the kitchen drawer, how many steps it takes to get from the front door to the garage and how many days it takes before the liquid soap in the bathroom runs out. You can't play counting games with someone with OCD. It isn't going to work. You should fucking know that by now."

I heard Tanya breathing on the other end of the line, not that sexy breathing shit, but the breath of someone on the losing side of a fight. I knew the sound of it from when I was handing someone their ass in court. It was primal, I think. It probably sounded the same today as when a hunter was losing out to a buffalo thousands of years ago. That idea made me think of Bella's list, and I immediately felt lighter inside. I picked the small piece of folded paper off the desk, where I'd emptied my pockets. I unfolded it, and sure enough, on the bottom in blue ink, she'd added:

_**Comfortable and durable footwear.**_

Maybe she just had a good memory, but the fact that she'd used my exact words was exciting in a way that I couldn't totally put my finger on.

"_Edward, this break-up is all wrong. We're supposed to be together, everyone knows it. They've always said it, since we were kids."_

I sighed. I really didn't want to think about Tanya and her shit right now. This was like ripping off a band-aid over the course of three days, and it was so painful it was killing me.

"Don't you get it, T? It's because I've known you that long that you can't fucking fool me. I know you're not happy, and I fucking know you tried. And I know I never did. I'm not saying I'm not an ass, but an ounce of self-awareness fifteen fucking years too late isn't going to change what's happened between us. I can't do this to you anymore. If I didn't care, then I'd just keep fucking you over."

There was momentary silence on the other end of the phone. I glanced around the room for something to change into, not wanting to talk to Tanya in the nude. It made me feel slightly sick and ashamed. But with my T-shirts and jeans in the wash, I didn't have many options. I pulled on a pair of track shorts.

"_I don't know how to live without you, Edward. I went food shopping and I bought all the shit that you would usually eat, without even thinking. I don't know how to sleep here without you in the office clicking on the keys of your laptop. I woke up last night and I was so sure I heard you in there, and…"_ Tanya broke down in quiet tears. She fucking always did at this point in an argument, and it crushed my balls in a fucking vise every time, too.

"Maybe you should stay with Kate for a while, so you're not alone," I offered, sitting back down on the bare mattress.

"_Maybe. At least, now I can say you're an ass and not feel like a bitch about it."_

"You were free enough with that shit before we broke up," I almost laughed.

"_You're an asshole, Edward."_

"Sorry, Tanya. I thought you knew that."

"_But, I still love you."_

"I can't say that right now, T." If I said it, she'd take it the wrong way. She was family, she'd held my hand in the hospital, and she'd been my first kiss, the first girl that I'd ever tried to take on a date. And that's where I should have left it, but I'd been so fucking weak that I pulled her into my shit and spat her out the other end. I deserved to be called a lot worse than asshole.

"_But you do. Or you did love me, at least."_

She could say what she wanted, but there was no way I was fucking going there. "Tanya, Lauren's going to call tomorrow about my stuff."

"_I didn't ruin all of your clothes."_

And I didn't ruin all of her life. It was little consolation, either fucking way.

"Don't fucking give her a hard time just because she works for me," I warned.

"_You give her a hard time just because she works for you."_

She had a point.

"I'm hanging up, T. Please don't make this a habit. Give yourself some time."

"_Go fuck yourself, Edward."_

I already did, T. I already fucking did.

xXxXx

I didn't know what to do with myself after my talk with Tanya. I dumped my clothes in the dryer and searched the kitchen for something to eat. I wanted to get over this eating shit once and for all, especially if it would help me to sleep, but aside from eating Bella-approved foods on her command, I was still hopeless. I settled on a bottle of water and some cherry tomatoes. Baby fucking steps. Three days ago I would have settled on water.

I flipped through the channels on T.V., but I couldn't keep my mind from wandering. That call from Tanya had fucked with my head more than I wanted to admit. For years I'd thought she was it; that what we had was all I could ever have. But, I'd spent twenty-five fucking years telling myself what I could and couldn't have. I'd made cold and clinical lines in the sand that I'd followed like I was Muslim and they were sharia. I'd limited clutter, and food, and emotions in equal measure. And I'd given up on things like a family and happiness and a real fucking existence.

But how did I know I couldn't have those things when I'd never tried? Because I knew what I was capable of, I reminded myself. I had the track record to prove it. I'd fucked over everyone that cared about me, at one point or another.

And now, what the hell was I thinking? I'd asked to see Bella again. I was a selfish prick. Just the thought of seeing Bella made my heart race fearfully. I was using her to make myself feel something - like living wasn't such a bad idea. But when I'd tried that shit with Tanya, I'd only broken her.

I reminded myself that we were just having a meal together. Even before Bella told me about her boyfriend, I had no intention of it turning into anything else. I wasn't fucking over a kid and her mom. I told Bella the truth; I knew what I was capable of. I wouldn't inflict myself on anyone I cared about again, especially not someone with a kid.

A beautiful and funny little girl that looked just like her mom, Bella. _Bella fucking Swan_: the woman that I couldn't stop flirting with and fantasizing about to save my life. The woman that single-handedly had me doing things that I hadn't done since before my mom died, without even really trying. So, fuck it. One way or another I was going to see her again. Lunch, dinner, I didn't fucking care.

Because after acting like a nutcase in her office, after the shit that Angela must have told her, after my cousin had his paws all over her, she'd still asked Alice about me.

"_I haven't seen her or, um… Edward, either."_

Like a fucking siren's call, I couldn't stay away from her after she'd said my name. Maybe that was just it, I couldn't stay away. It took almost everything I had not to touch her. And with a little thing, like looking into her eyes, my resolve crumbled and I had to reach for her every time. And when my skin brushed against hers, I wanted more and was completely satisfied, all at once.

All this deep fucking thinking about Bella Swan was really idiotic, though, because she had a boyfriend. She had a boyfriend that was close enough to nickname her daughter.

_You gave her daughter a nickname, you ass_. Anyone can.

But amazing moms, like I'm sure Bella was, didn't tend to parade multiple men in front of their daughters. I wouldn't fucking touch her.

But maybe we _could_ drive in her car again, without Little Bell, I mused. The idea of Bella swearing, even at traffic, did things to me. I swore a blue streak on a fucking daily basis, but I'd pay large sums of money for her to punch the steering wheel and say fuck, or to look me in the eyes and say fuck. Or to lie in my bed and say fuck. No, that was going too far. I didn't want her paying anyone for that shit.

After that line of thinking, I either had to march myself back up to the office for some alone time, or I had to find another way to relieve the tension that built whenever I started imagining Bella saying fuck.

I grabbed my T-shirt from of the dryer and pulled it over my head, even though it was still sopping wet. I needed to get out of there, and when my feet pounded on pavement it tended to knock some calm into my system. But Emmett turned his key in the lock just as I was jogging down the stairs, two at a time. My heart warmed seeing him come through the double doors, and I couldn't help smiling. He'd left the anniversary party with Bella's friend over five hours ago. It looked like I'd won the bet.

"Hey, Em." My voice sounded cheerful, even to me.

"Going for a jog?" he asked, kicking off his shoes.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I chuckled.

"Well, with that wet T-shirt, it looks like you were privately re-enacting Flash Dance up in my office. I just hope you mopped up the water and kept it off the computer."

"Very fucking funny. Where have you been?"

"What, are you my mom now?"

I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows, barring his path to the living room. I wasn't leaving until I knew for sure that I was having my un-date with Isabella Swan, MD. Her friend Rose was an Eagles fan, for fuck's sake. I had this in the bag. I already knew where I was going to take Bella. I couldn't wait to see the look on her face when we walked through the restaurant's entrance.

"So?" I asked, excitement bubbling in my stomach like I was a kid and it was my birthday and Christmas rolled into one.

"I had a date. Are you satisfied? Or do you want details? Are you looking for vague under the shirt but over the panties kind of details, or are we talking hard core -"

"Shut the fuck up, Emmett. I don't need to hear about you in the sack. But, it was with Bella's friend, Rose, right?"

"Bella? As in Dr. Swan, that cute little doc with the pretty titties?"

Emmett had had his hands all over her at the party. I took a threatening step in his direction, and he backed up against the wall. "Fucking watch what you say about her," I huffed, before begrudgingly stepping aside to let him into his house.

Emmett grinned as he edged past me, like he was trying not to laugh. "What's it to you?"

"I suggest that maybe there's one woman out there you shouldn't verbally molest, and there's something wrong with that?"

"There's nothing wrong with that, dude. You've just never suggested it before. And that's not the only thing that's weird about you, lately," he said as he made his way to the kitchen. "You know you can stay here as long as you need to, but I wouldn't mind if you let the wall down for a fucking second to explain the cheese steak, and breaking up with Tanya, and living in my study." He opened the refrigerator and started rooting around inside, finally pulling out a can of beer.

"Were you out with her friend or not?"

"You like her friend? Is that it?" he asked, cracking open the can and wandering back into the living room.

"I don't even fucking know her friend."

"Then you don't mind if I go out with her?"

"Bella?" I asked, incredulously. I most fucking certainly minded. That thought almost caused physical pain.

"No, Bella's friend Rose. I already know how you feel about Bella, just by the look on your face."

"Just because you've dated most of the women in Philly, doesn't mean you know shit about my feelings."

"Oh yeah? Then I'll ask Bella out tomorrow. I'll call dad's office first thing. Maybe I'll take her to that sweet little Cuban place over in Olde City where I take the girls I really like. And then, after, you should just clear out of here for the night, cause I'm bringing her back and…"

"Shut the fuck up, Emmett," I growled, taking another step in his direction.

"Well, now that that's established, I'll tell you about Rose."

"No fucking way you're asking Bella out. Do you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, bro. Sorry. I just felt the need to prove a point," he grinned, plopping his ass down on the couch.

This was becoming infuriating. "Were you out with Rose, or not?"

"Fucking not."

"But, it's been five hours."

"I told you, I had a date."

"With someone else?" He was fucking unbelievable.

"Don't get me wrong, after I met Rose, my plan was to meet this other chick and break it off right then and there. Hell, I was almost willing to do it over the phone, but I can't do that shit."

_See what I mean? He was responsible for the sweetest break-ups, ever._

"I should have had plenty of time to hang with Rose, get her number, maybe set up a date, and then meet this chick to break-up. But there was an accident on seventy-six and it was taking forever to get back to her place, and instead of enjoying the company of the brilliant and sexy woman next to me, I was all nervous that I was going to miss my break-up."

"You could have just blown off the date with the other girl, you know."

"I'm not an asshole like some people in the room."

I let that one slide. After all, I was in agreement.

"Anyway, Rose could tell I was getting anxious, and she asked if I had somewhere else I had to be. I couldn't fucking lie to her; she's smart, you know? She's in charge of the interns in emergency over at Penn. Did you know that? At twenty-seven years old!" Emmett looked over at me waiting for some sort of reaction, but I didn't really care about the woman's resume, just whether or not he was going to see her again. I managed a shrug and a nod.

"Anyway," he continued, "as soon as she pieced shit together, she wouldn't even look at me for the rest of the ride. When I dropped her off, she told me to have a nice fucking life," Emmett explained with a groan.

"She didn't even give you her number?" I asked, laughing a little, taking a seat in a cushy chair by the window.

"It's not fucking funny, Edward."

He didn't even have her number. Bella fucking called it. And I was going to call her first thing in the morning, and I was going make plans to see her again. I realized a little too late that I was humming one of those bubble-gum pop songs Bella's daughter had been singing. Yeah, it was the one about the sticky sheets.

"You don't have to fucking gloat, dude."

"I'm not gloating, Emmett. I'm just fucking happy."

"So, you don't want me dating Rose either?"

"I've never even met Rose. And I'm not dating Bella. I'm not dating her, like immediately," I said, jumping to my feet, newly energized for my run.

"You don't make any fucking sense these days. Listen, I'm going to bed. It's not every fucking day that I'm turned down by two women and break up with a third. That shit grates, man. You have everything you need? Towels and shit? Something to wear to work tomorrow?"

"Thank fucking god for twenty-four hour cleaners. And I'll give Hillary a call about some clothes tomorrow."

"You and your fucking personal shopper, pretty-boy," he chuckled as he made his way to the kitchen to dump his empty can in the recycling bin.

I smiled again, thinking about how Bella's daughter had called me pretty.

"_Ness, boys are handsome." _

Did that mean Bella thought I was handsome? Did it matter? It wasn't a date, she had a boyfriend, and I'd vowed not to fuck up her life. But the answer was yes, it did fucking matter, and the idea that she might think I was attractive made me reconsider going for a run. I glanced up the stairs, with thoughts of sticky watermelon syrup dribbled over peaches and cream skin.

"That's the shit I'm talking about. Like these dreamy-ass smiles while you stare off into space," Emmett said, shattering the daydream.

I had no intentions of explaining what was just going through my head; Emmett would eat that shit up with a spoon. "Em, I've had about forty-eight hours away from Tanya, and we were together for five fucking years. How the hell am I supposed to know which way is up, let alone why I look the way I do?"

"Just tell me, bro. Was it the pretty little doc? You broke up with Tanya right after that office visit. Did _she_ tell you to, or what?" he asked, pausing at the bottom of the stairs.

"She just wanted me to be happy, I think. You saw the prescription."

"Well, at least you finally listened. It's not like we didn't all say that at some time or another, you know."

"I'm a stubborn son-of-a-bitch, Em, you should fucking know that by now."

"Until it comes to Dr. Swan. Then you're like the world's biggest pushover. A fucking cheese steak. That was priceless."

"You know she has a kid?" I asked out of the blue.

"Yeah, the kid Rose brought to the party."

"She looks just like Bella."

"Alice and Esme totally loved her. They whisked the little one away as soon as Rose showed up with her. I hardly saw the kid. She seemed sweet, I guess."

"Yeah, she's really fucking sweet, and smart, and funny. Just like her mom."

"Holy fucking hell," Emmett chuckled as he walked up the stairs. "Don't worry, bro, I won't ask the doc out again. Good fucking luck with that one."

xXxXx

Lauren was nervously sitting at her desk when I strode into the office Monday morning. She scrambled to her feet when she saw me. "Here are your calls, Mr. Masen. And Jenks called again about the Patterson case. And the reports opposing counsel sent over about Hannigan vs. Hannigan are on your desk, ready for review. And you have the new client consultation with Mr. Black at noon, so you have to, um, _be_ _here_ at noon."

Right. I'd run out at noon on Wednesday and Thursday, leaving her to clean up my mess.

"I'll be here, today."

"Good," she sighed. "And then there's the meeting with Laurent this afternoon, at two."

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath.

"A problem, Mr. Masen? Do you have a conflict with the two o'clock?"

I didn't know. Did fucking over my boss' future sister-in-law count as a conflict? Time would fucking tell. I cursed myself under my breath for introducing Irina and Laurent in the first place.

"We'll see, Lauren," I replied grimly, leaving it at that.

She sighed again and tapped her finger nervously against her thigh. I imagine she was dreaming up ways to tell my boss that I'd disappeared.

"Lauren, I'll be here at two. Calm the fuck down and make those arrangements I talked to you about yesterday. Have it all shipped to Alice's place, okay?"

"Sure, Mr. Masen," she squeaked, retreating to her desk.

I made a mental note to try to be easier on Lauren in the future, and practically pranced into my office and shut the door behind me, glad that Emmett wasn't around to witness that shit and to call me girly again. After I got home from my run last night, I'd spent entirely too much time scrolling through the address book on my blackberry. So, at this point, I could automatically pull up the number for Carlisle's office. I did just that as I sat down, pushed my chair over to the window and gazed absently at the fountain.

"_Fairmount Family Medicine."_

"Hi, Shelly."

"_Edward, you called! Does that mean you won't show up at noon today to try to thwart my authority?"_

"I wasn't _trying_ to thwart, Shelly," I joked. "I was actually doing a damn good job of it."

Shelly laughed on the other end of the line. She'd known me since I was a kid, so I could get away with a certain amount of disobedience with her. Secretly, I think she loved that I flouted her rules. To a point, anyway. I could tell by the tone of her voice that I was walking the line lately.

"_Are you looking for your uncle?"_

"Actually, could you put me through to Dr. Swan?"

"_Oh, that's right. _She_ saw you last week. Of course. Hold on, honey. And try to make it in to the office when I'm here every once in a while._"

I'm certain it wasn't every patient that got through to the doctor that easily. Being the doctor's nephew had its privileges. I nevertheless waited impatiently, spinning my chair back and forth a little, watching a couple little kids wade into the fountain below. They weren't half as cute as Bella's kid.

"_Edward?"_

My heart leapt into my throat at the sound of her voice, so soft, yet confident.

"He didn't get her number. Your friend told him to, uh, have a nice fucking life, according to Emmett," I laughed.

"_I told you, but you wouldn't listen_," Bella laughed right back. "_I've seen your cousin's moves, you know. I knew he was no match for Rose. You should have listened_."

"Maybe he didn't charm the pants off you, but you've got to understand, you're in the minority."

"_I wasn't wearing pants_," she chuckled.

Her flirty comment took me by surprise. It was a step or two farther than I'd planned on going, and the safety I'd felt in the terms 'not a date' and 'just lunch' began rapidly slipping away. I was fucking playing with fire.

"Let's not talk about my cousin or your pants. I was calling about lunch. Where and when? I lost the bet, so I'm at your mercy."

"_My house, Saturday_?" Okay, that was not what I was expecting, at all.

"Your house? You cook?"

"_You sound surprised, or disappointed_."

"Neither. More in awe than anything."

"_Of me making lunch? Please, lower your expectations a little, or it's going to be a really sad affair._"

"You're talking to a man that ate cherry tomatoes for dinner last night." I wouldn't be sad as long as I could see her again.

"_Okay then, it won't be_ that_ sad_."

"Fair enough. Lunch at your house." I guessed Little Bell would be there. It wouldn't be a date. Did she really want me around her kid again? Would the boyfriend be there? How the hell would that go? "Sounds good," I managed. It wasn't exactly a lie, but 'good' didn't really do my wild thoughts justice, that's for fucking sure.

"_Damn, Edward, I have to go. Is this your cell? I can text you my address. Is noon on Saturday okay_?"

"Perfect."

"_See you Saturday."_

"Until then, Bella."

"_Bye, Edward."_

I'd take her any way I could get her.

I hummed through my morning, worked my fucking ass off, trying to forget about my meeting with Laurent, and trying to remember every fucking detail of my conversation with Bella. I hardly noticed when twelve o'clock rolled around until Lauren's voice buzzed over the intercom.

"Mr. Masen, I have Mr. Black here to see you."

"Bring him in Lauren."

I checked my watch. It was twelve on the dot. Mr. Black was prompt and I appreciated that in a client. These interviews were more for me, these days. No one that walked through that door didn't want me as their attorney. But I wouldn't work for someone I didn't believe in. Sure, everyone had the legal right to representation. And if those assholes fucking found it, I'd be on the other side of that courtroom making sure they didn't fuck with their kid or their ex. Making sure they got what was coming to them.

I stood up, righted my suit jacket, still feeling fucking buoyant because I was not having a date with Isabella Swan on...

"_Edward Masen_, Jake?"

Holy fuck. My body vibrated, my head snapped in the direction of the door, where the voice had come from. _Her_ voice?

"Yeah? Do you know him?" a deep male voice answered.

The knob seemed to turn in slow motion.

"I don't know," came the reply.

It was _her_. Holy fuck.

The door swung open, Lauren popped her head in, and her brow immediately wrinkled when she saw me. I can only imagine how I must have looked. She raised her eyebrows in question, and I impatiently waived her in. She stepped aside to allow what was supposed to be Mr. Jacob Black to enter.

That's when it clicked._ Jake_. The fucking giver of the nickname. The boyfriend.

"Maybe it's just a coincide -" she was in the middle of saying, as she stepped into the office.

And there Bella stood, frozen with shock: her bright brown eyes, her hair in gentle curls that fell around her shoulders, holding the hand of some tall, dark and handsome type. _Jake._ I felt my caseload suddenly fill up. I had no room for him in my practice.

"Edward?"

I squeezed my eyes tight and opened them again. This had to be a fucking dream, or a nightmare, but no, she was standing about twenty feet away from me, in my office, with her boyfriend. And I had yet to say anything.

"Bella. Our lunch was on Saturday. You're early," I said, smiling, forcing myself to take a few steps towards my potential client and his girlfriend. Potential client my ass. My retainer instantaneously increased by ten thousand. Sadly, he wouldn't be able to afford me.

"What lunch? You two know each other?" Jacob asked.

By now I should have offered Mr. Black a seat. But I had no desire to speak to the man, or the boy, as the case might be. He looked too young, too innocence, and too fucking nice. Damn it. He was nice. I could tell already.

"Edward, I mean Mr. Masen -" Bella began, flustered.

"No, just Edward," I corrected.

"Edward, he was, um -" Bella gulped and looked between her boyfriend and me. I forced myself to take a step forward, then another. I was almost surprised that I held my hand out to the overgrown man-boy.

"I'm a patient of Dr. Swan's. Carlisle Cullen is my uncle, and Dr. Swan and I met again yesterday, at his anniversary barbecue. It's nice to meet you, Mr. Black. Dr. Swan mentioned you yesterday." _After I asked her out to lunch_, I added silently.

"Thanks," Bella said in my direction, smiling and ducking her eyes, letting her hair fall in front of her face.

"That's just, well… What a small world, huh?" Jake said, laughing nervously, putting his arm around Bella's shoulders.

_I got it, nice guy, she's yours. Try not to piss to mark your territory_.

Bella kept her eyes on her shoes. She was wearing little ballet flats again. I guessed that they were her work shoes.

_**Comfortable and durable footwear.**_

Bella caught my eye and I couldn't help grinning. Jacob Black cleared his throat, and I reminded myself that I was the person in charge of this little meeting.

"Please, Mr. Black, Dr. Swan, have a seat."

But, with those words, Bella jumped a little, and her eyes met mine, again. It had only been about two seconds, but somehow, everything changed. I was floored by the panic and fear I saw in her eyes. She didn't move, and Jacob rubbed her shoulder supportively. She melted into him until he was completely supporting her weight.

"Uh, Ed, I mean, Mr. Masen," she began tentatively. "I mean… Jacob made this appointment."

"I know," I smiled, resisting the urge to touch her like Jacob Black was, to lend her my support too.

"He made this appointment… for _me_."

"Right. Wait. For you?" Holy fuck. Little Bell. "For Vanessa?"

I watched Jacob furrow his brows. Clearly he didn't have any idea that I'd met Bella's daughter. In some distant recess of my brain I was pleased about that. But I couldn't concentrate on that emotion at the moment. Bella had custody issues with Little Bell. Fuck.

"I can call you Edward?" Bella asked, seeming suddenly exasperated.

"Fu-, I mean, please. If I can call you -"

"Bella," she added, answering my question before I could finish. "I don't know, I don't think, I think that maybe we have to-"

I saw panic rising inside her, filling her as she stood there leaning against her boyfriend. It reminded me of those old Looney Tunes cartoons, where you could see the water rising steadily in the characters' eyes. But this wasn't funny; I was fucking worried. Never in my presence had Bella looked anything except confident and maybe a little shy, never fucking insecure and frightened, cowering almost.

"Bella, sit down, please. You're safe here. We should talk. You're just here to talk. To interview an attorney about your case."

"You?" she asked, her eyes searching mine. "You're the attorney? You're the best attorney?"

"I'm… an attorney: a family lawyer, specializing in child custody cases. I put the same dedication into my work that I put into my health."

Bella smiled a little at that. But she still looked like she wanted to run.

"That means that I don't rest until my clients and their children are safe and secure. You have the unique perspective to know that what I'm telling you is, quite literally, true."

"I don't know," Bella mumbled, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Baby, what is it?" Jake asked as he pushed the hair behind her ear, the same way I'd always wanted to do. _Fucker_.

"Jake, can I talk to him alone?" Bella asked, nodding in my direction. "This is… complicated. He's my patient. And, that kind of stuff, patient stuff, is confidential. Could you wait outside for a minute?"

Jacob looked between Bella and I, his brow still furrowed. It made his deep-set eyes look black and boorish. I could tell he didn't like the idea. He'd made the appointment; he obviously wanted to be in charge. But they weren't married. He was her boyfriend, not even her fiancé.

"Will it make you more comfortable?"

"It's the only way I can do this, Jake. So we can get this straightened out."

Jacob sighed, but I watched him quickly lock away all evidence of the displeasure he obviously felt about this impromptu arrangement. I wondered how many other emotions he'd locked inside for Bella. He nodded and slowly dropped his arm from her shoulders, never taking his eyes off of Bella. "Sure, Bells. Come get me when you're done." He stooped to kiss her on the cheek, and I think Bella stiffened in response.

"I'll be outside, if you need me."

Jacob nodded at me, as if there was some understanding between the two of us. I understood that he wasn't my client, and that I was about to be alone with Bella, and that she was a frightened mess, much like I'd been in her office less than a week ago. The only difference was that I could never be as reassuring as she'd been when I was losing my shit. I'd try my fucking best, though.

Bella glanced at me and smiled stiffly, waiting for Jacob to close the door behind him before she continued. "Edward -"

"Bella." There was no way I could put my desk between the two of us. I took her hand, and led her to one of the seats in front of my desk. I took the other seat. I wanted to believe that I would have dropped her hand, that I would have acted that professionally, but Bella's hand clung to mine, and the decision was made. I tried my best to act like a lawyer and not a letch. Because, with my hand in hers, my next impulse was to stroke her cheek, to hold her in my arms and murmur in her ear that everything was going to be all right. She didn't need that shit from me, though. She had the nice guy for that. _Fucker._

"I don't know if, after everything, you should be my lawyer."

"I have to be your lawyer."

"What?"

"Bella, there's no fucking way I can have a casual lunch with you on Saturday and not need to know what the fuck is going on with you and Little Bell. And how could I sit back and eat when I knew you were getting inferior legal advice?"

"Inferior?"

"Bella, your boyfriend was right to make an appointment with me." I tried to remain composed when I said 'boyfriend'. She deserved a nice boyfriend. "No one will try harder for you in court than I will."

"But… but… I don't know. Already, we don't have a patient-doctor relationship. I shouldn't… will it upset the balance for you? Could you represent me, when I've, I don't know, when we've…"

"Isabella, I don't know exactly what you're referring to, but _especially_ after you told me I could call you when I was scared out of my fucking mind, and when you fed me so I didn't pass out before going back to the office, and when you told me I should be fucking happy, and when you gave me a ride home and saved me from my fucking nutcase of an ex, and when you took me to get my first watermelon ice in a quarter of a century. After that, I owe you. I told you last night that I knew what I was capable of. This is what I am fucking capable of. More capable than anyone else in Philadelphia, to be fucking honest."

I handed her the potential client handout Laurent had instructed me to review in each of these introductory visits. It was bullshit and he knew it. I did the choosing in situations like this, but he was right in that it made them want me more.

**How to Choose the Attorney That's Right for You**

**Ask about the fee schedule. Only hire a lawyer you can afford.**

**Ask about your specific legal situation. Does it appear that your potential lawyer will tailor his work to your specific situation? Do you think they will provide excellent services?**

**Consider the intangibles. Do you think the attorney is honest? Is it an attorney that you think you could get along and click with? Don't try to force a square peg in a round hole. The ability of you and your attorney to maintain a good relationship is paramount.**

**If you answered no to any of these questions after your meeting with the attorneys here at D&M, here are the names of five other firms in Philadelphia that you might consider consulting with:**

Blah, blah, blah… The idea was totally stolen from the movie A Miracle on 34th Street, when fucking Santa Claus sent Macy's customers to Gimble's. But people ate it up. It made us seem more honest; it made them willing to pay more. I hated that fucking list, but still, every word of it was true.

I watched Bella scan the page, and then flip it over to see if there was anything on the backside. There wasn't.

"This list isn't as inspired as yours. It was put together by marketing, for fuck's sake, not a smart-ass physician. But everything on it is still true. Let's just go through it together, okay?"

Bella nodded, and let go of my hand. She kept it balled up in her lap.

"Bullet number one: You work for Carlisle, so you can afford me. If you can't, I'll call him this morning, because then he's not paying you enough. You're the best doctor I've seen in years."

Bella smiled and I thought her eyes might be tearing a little. She almost looked like a kid in that big leather chair. The truth was that I would have made sure Little Bell was safe for fucking free. But that was too much to lay on Bella at the moment; I didn't even understand where that impulse came from. I'd just met the kid yesterday.

"Second, I'd need to know what's going on, Bella. But no matter your case, I'm sure you know how hard I'd work to represent you. You know that better than any other potential client that's walked in here."

Yeah, that was code for the fact that I was fucking crazy. But she'd still asked about me yesterday, she still gave me a ride. Maybe I was acceptably crazy in her eyes.

"This last part is probably the most important. You need an attorney that you click with, that you could have a good working relationship with. That you feel comfortable with. Bella, how do you feel about me?"

"I don't know if comfortable is the right word," she said in a small voice that inexplicably tore at my heart. We were on the same page, at least. I felt charged when I was around her, alive and on fire. My torn heart fluttered and I bit my bottom lip.

"So, what do you think? Or maybe you have some questions you've prepared."

"No, nothing that fits… that fits this… I didn't know, Edward. Jake made the appointment. I couldn't concentrate enough to call people. I guess I didn't want to think it could all be happening again. But you?" Bella asked, searching my eyes for something. "It's like a joke, or something."

I wasn't sure how to take that. She thought I was a joke?

"Do you have a yacht and a Victorian beach house on Cape May?" She was suddenly smiling again, but I was missing something.

"No yacht and no beach house, but Carlisle and Esme's place is on Cape May. They're all Victorian in that town."

"Close enough," she whispered under her breath.

"Excuse me?"

"What about lunch?" she asked, her eyes cautiously guarded.

Right. Our un-date.

"It was a bad idea. You're my patient. And now this," she continued haltingly.

"I could find another doctor if it would make things easier."

"I don't want you to do that. But lunch?"

"A working lunch, if you hire me. It's not a date if you don't."

"And I could tell you about James then?"

James, so that was the fucker's name. Whatever his intentions, James didn't have a fucking chance in hell.

"You'd better. What's going on with him right now, though?"

"Almost nothing. I haven't heard from him for three years. I have sole custody of Ness, he's never had the money to pay support, and I didn't want anything from him, anyway. He was back in Washington, as far as I knew. But I just found out that he's moving here, or to Trenton, I guess. And I don't think there's any reason in the world that he'd move here, except that Ness and I are here. He's going to try something, I just know it. And he's been having me watched," she added, almost as an afterthought.

Holy shit. Well, now I'd have to struggle to keep myself from stalking her to make sure she was safe. Better yet, I had someone else that could do it for me. It would be less creepy and more efficient, all in one.

"I'll call my guy in. We'll see what Jenks can dig up before Saturday. Get all of our ducks in a row so we're ready when we hear from this asshole. Excuse me, James, I mean."

"So that's it? You're my lawyer?"

"If you let me, Bella. Let me do this for you and Little Bell. As my way of saying thanks, for everything you've done for me. You seriously have no idea."

Bella smiled a little and quickly looked out the window instead of meeting my eyes. "You're hired, Edward," she said softly.

"You won't be sorry, Bella." I was happier than I'd been the first time I landed a client, five years ago. "What should I bring on Saturday?"

"To our working lunch?" she asked, turning that pretty smile on me again. Was she making fun of me? I couldn't tell, so I didn't respond. "Bring your iPod, or Ness will never let me hear the end of it. But maybe upload something without swearing, or then I'll hear it from Jake. And Jake likes beer. Anything you can only get when you go over the bridge into Jersey. How does that sound?"

"Fair enough. Uh, should we call your boyfriend in here?"

"No, we're done, I think. We don't need him."

I smiled a little. I certainly didn't need him.

"Lauren will go over the paperwork with you outside. Here's my card. Call me anytime, day or night, if anything comes up."

Bella's fingertips brushed against mine, again. I wasn't shy this time. I took her hand in mind, just enjoying the way it felt when my skin touched hers. She didn't pull away as she stood up, smiling down at me where I sat. "Should I walk myself out?" she giggled. Fuck, I loved that sound.

I stood awkwardly to my feet, my hand still in hers. Standing, Bella twined her fingers with mine. "Thanks," she whispered.

"For what?"

"I don't know. I'm just glad we met."

"Four separate times in six days," I mused, walking her toward the door that led the way to Lauren and fucking Jake.

"Yeah, I guess it would have been hard for us not to meet, all things considered. I'm glad, all the same."

Bella dropped my hand as I opened the door, and Jacob shot out of his seat.

"I have a lawyer, Jake." Bella cheered.

"Hey, that's awesome," Jake replied, crossing the office in two long strides, then holding Bella's shoulders in his big hands, kissing her lips chastely. The kid was taller than I was, I noticed, and strong, but not bulky like Emmett. He seemed almost disproportioned, like he was still growing into his body, or something. I wondered idly how old he was. I knew Bella was younger than me, but really, she deserved more than a kid.

Bella pulled away from her boyfriend. "I should go settle things with Lauren. I've got to get going soon."

"Back to the office?" I asked.

"No, Carlisle gave me the afternoon off. Alice arranged it, actually."

"Alice?"

"Your cousin, yeah. She asked Carlisle if we could meet for a long lunch. And since I covered for him last week, he told me to make an afternoon of it. She said it had something to do with a big brainstorm and her business and she couldn't wait another day to see me."

"Sounds like Alice." I was fucking calling Alice as soon as Bella left the office. "Until Saturday?" I asked, trying my best to make my voice sound composed and business-like.

"Saturday," Bella agreed, grasping my hand in hers. I thought I saw her shiver a little and blush, and I rubbed discrete little circles over her palm with my thumb.

"It's been a pleasure, Bella."

"Thanks, uh, _Edward_, for taking us on," Jake added, awkwardly using my first name.

"Yep, nice to meet you too, Mr. Black," I lied.

Jacob took Bella's other hand and tugged at it gently. "Come on, Bells, let's not take anymore of his time."

Bella squeezed my hand again before letting go. "Bye."

"I'll see you Saturday, Isabella."

I watched for a moment as Lauren ushered them to her desk and pulled out some paperwork. I snuck another glance for good measure before closing the office door.

Holy fuck.

I took a seat at my desk and tried to process everything that had just happened. What the fucking fuck? What had I just done?

I knew the answer. I was doing what I could for Bella. I was doing what I knew how to do well. I'd make things right for her. I wouldn't fucking tear her down like I'd done with Tanya. She'd be glad I was in her life, the only way I knew how to be. And I'd guaranteed that. I couldn't fucking cross that line with a client, the line my body was begging me to cross. Nope. She was safe with this arrangement, and I'd get to be with her, more than once. My fucking un-lunch just turned into a whole fucking un-relationship, and I couldn't fucking be happier.

* * *

**A/N: I love reading what you guys think! Thanks for all the insightful reviews with the last chapter. Edward's taken a mental jump from un-date to un-relationship in this chapter. What do you think? Will it work? Is he being a bad lawyer? Should he have turned her down and settled for an un-date? Should Bella have turned him down?**

** Thanks for all of your input so far! xxx**,** M**


	10. Chapter 9

**BPOV**

"That was weird."

I was startled out of my mental fog by the sound of Jake's deep baritone voice and the feel of his big hand resting itself firmly on my lower back. I had to laugh a little. Weird. Sure, that word worked just fine. It was _weird_ that Edward Masen was a lawyer, and that I'd just talked to him over the phone this morning, and that I saw him less than four hours later in his office, and that we'd held hands while he practically begged me to hire him.

He did beg, didn't he? I wish there'd been a witness, because it already seemed unreal.

My heart started racing all over again as I tried to remember every detail of how he'd looked and exactly what he'd said. He'd said please, and our knees rubbed just a little as we sat across from one another. He'd leaned towards me, and his voice was so insistent, in that almost-whisper of his, and it made me want to listen closer. I could see how he'd be a good lawyer, just with that voice alone. He'd make you want to listen, and hell, he'd make you want to look too.

I couldn't say no to him. I should have said no to him. I didn't want to say no to him.

I could hardly look at Jake as we rode the fancy elevator down to the ground floor.

"Bells?"

"What is it?" I asked, studying the wood paneling next to me.

"Bella Swan, look at me!" I startled, grasping the handrail that ran around the elevator, taking a step away from Jake. When my eyes met his, he looked as surprised as I was, and slightly pissed. Up until then, I'd only heard him use that voice with Ness when she was being disobedient.

"What the hell, Jake?"

"There are other lawyers in this city," Jake replied in his 'I'm trying my best to be patient' voice. It was another voice he often used with my daughter. "You didn't have to hire him just because I made the appointment. He's your patient, and it seemed really… _awkward_ in there."

Weird. Awkward. Jake was a master of the understatement.

"No, I think he'd fight for us, if he had to. And you said he was the best. I liked what he had to say. I'm decided, Jake."

"And lunch? What lunch?" Jake was losing his battle for patience. So was I. And I felt completely exposed and completely indignant, and completely wrong.

"Saturday. He was coming over to our place Saturday, for lunch."

"Really?"

"Why would I lie about that?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Your _patient_ was coming to our house for lunch?"

"He's also Carlisle's nephew."

"I'm missing something big here, Bells."

"Jake, I don't know. We made a bet about Rose and this guy, Emmett. Emmett's Carlisle's son. Anyway, I won the bet, and that meant I got to choose lunch. And Ness likes him. And he's in an awkward place in his life right now. This woman was screaming at him, and -"

"And what if he won the bet?"

"Then he'd get to chose where to have lunch?" Okay, spoken out loud like that, it sounded really bad.

"Bells, that guy obviously likes you, and he set you up so that he could weasel his way into a date with you."

"It wasn't like that! Emmett would do something like that, not Edward. But it wasn't a set-up. And it wasn't a date. He said he _couldn't_ date me. And I invited him to our house. You think I'd bring a date to our house?"

"But you'd invite some strange guy to our house? That's not much better."

"He's not strange." Well, maybe he was a little strange. But I wasn't about to tell Jake that.

"How many other guys have there been?" Jake growled.

"What?"

"How many other patients do you have innocent lunches with?"

"Jacob! It's not like that. This was different. He's my boss' family."

Jacob turned away from me as the elevator doors slid open and began to quickly cross the ornate lobby. The doorman nodded stiffly to him, but Jake kept right on walking out the door without so much as a glance.

"Jake!" I tried to kind of run-walk so that I could catch up with him without making a spectacle of myself. As I slowly sped towards him, I noticed for the first time how he'd tried to dress up for the meeting. He was wearing a pair of khakis and a button-down shirt and a tie. He was pulling off that red and blue striped tie when I was finally able to catch him at the curb.

"Are you trying to tell me that I can't hire the lawyer that you brought me to see?"

"I don't trust him," Jake said, not bothering to look at me.

"Well, I do. And he's _my_ lawyer!"

The walk sign lit up bright green and Jake looked undecided about whether he was going to follow its command. People brushed past us, and we stayed still on the edge of the curb. I didn't know what to say. I felt guilty and overwhelmed and very wrong about the meeting with Edward, but I couldn't help feeling excited... and happy, and bubbly, and breathless. There was no way I could bring myself to give him up.

"Jake," I grabbed his hand and tried to hold him to the spot. His foot was half on and half off the curb. "My ex is moving three thousand miles from his home so he can live just across the river from me and Ness. He knows where I've been working. And I'm scared. And I have a new job with a whole new set of responsibilities. And I have to look good for my boss' family, and I'm not good at that kind of stuff. In three weeks my life has completely changed.

"I invited my boss' relative over for lunch. It _is_ kind of weird. But it seemed okay at the time." But as I spoke, I only felt guiltier. While my initial words were true enough, I'd ended on a lie. My lunch with Edward never seemed okay, not from the moment he'd suggested it. But I wanted it anyway. I wanted to be around him and now I was getting my wish. And I wanted to be able to feel happy about that.

"Bells," Jake murmured. He finally looked at me, and I could see that I was wearing him down with my logic and my lies. He wasn't sure about my explanation, but he wanted to be. I'd seen that look on his face before, back in Seattle when I'd made the move that changed things between us for good.

"You know the one thing that hasn't changed, Jake? You. You've been my rock this whole time. You were there that first time with James, helping me out of that mess, and here you are again, trying to help again." That dawning reality blew apart my happy bubble, obliterating all traces of what I'd been feeling back in Edward's office.

"Neither of us should be thinking about lunch with my lawyer, we should be thinking about James, and how to keep him away from Ness."

I meant it. I'd been doing far too much thinking about Edward. My fantasy, my escape, whatever he was to me, it really didn't matter. At least, it shouldn't matter. What mattered was that my little girl was safe. Jake had been doing a better job than I had in making sure that was the case.

I decided to try my best to follow my own advice.

"Bells, he's not going to hurt you this time," Jake assured me, visibly softening. He tugged my arm gently, and we crossed the street at the next light.

"I'm a mess right now, Jake. I picture James jumping out from behind trees and stuff. I think I see Victoria wherever I go. It's like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I can't find my footing. And I just really appreciate you so much." We stopped walking in front of the fountain.

Jake smiled a little, but shook his head. "You _appreciate_ me? Well, as long as I have your_ appreciation_, then…"

"I love you, stupid. You know that," I added quickly.

"That's better." Jake bent to kiss me, and I felt the cool mist from the fountain settling on my arms. It was so muggy out that the water didn't evaporate, but just laid there, feeling kind of slimy against my skin.

Jake deepened the kiss and my head started pounding in time with my pulse. My heart didn't flutter; my skin didn't tingle. I just loved him, and it felt good. I was safe with Jake, and he loved my daughter and me more than anything. I didn't doubt for a second that he'd spend the rest of his life with us, whether I married him or not. I thought of our mommy, baby and Jake rocks, and of the pictures of mommies and babies and Jakes all over the house. He was Ness' Jake. The closest thing to a dad she'd ever had.

Jake smiled down at me, rubbing my arms, and I reflexively cuddled against him, almost like a cat would. That's the moment when it dawned on me: Jake had seen Edward and I together, and he thought Edward liked me.

And goddamn it, as I thought about Jake's words and Edward's fingers twined with mine, that's when my body reacted. My heart started racing and I couldn't catch my breath. It was almost like the time in high school when Jake told me that his friend Quil liked me. Okay, not exactly. When I was sixteen I was faintly excited, but now I was overwhelmed with guilty desire.

And as Jake wrapped me in his arms in front of the fountain, I wondered what it would feel like in Edward's embrace. And I couldn't stop my thoughts there. I wanted to be in Edward's bare arms, against his bare chest, I wanted his arms wrapped around me in bed, and I wanted him inside of me, those pretty-ass eyes staring into my own.

I shuddered.

"You couldn't be cold," Jake mumbled. "It's like a million degrees outside."

And then I felt sick.

Going out with Jake's friend Quil in high school had been a mistake, but how I felt now, this was a sin. I felt big tears rolling down my face before I even knew I was crying. I was sabotaging myself. What did I think, that cheating on Jake with my new lawyer was going to make things better?

"Bells, baby," Jake murmured, hugging me tighter. "I'm sorry for that back there."

I cried harder. He hadn't done anything wrong. He'd only been good to my daughter and me.

"Of course that guy likes you. Who wouldn't? I was jealous, and stupid. There are more important things going on right now. And if that lawyer's going to help, and as long as he keeps his dick in his pants, I'll deal with it."

I had a mental flash from that first day, back in the lab. I hadn't let my mind go back there, because it crossed all sorts of professional lines. But, oh my god, that... dick.

Jake wiped a tear from my face and I closed my eyes. I felt like I was breaking down, and cracking into pieces right there in the goddamned park. Jake wrapped his big arms around me tighter and held me, and I felt like maybe the pieces would hold if he stayed. Like last time, when he came back and he stayed forever.

"Fuck," I mumbled.

"What?"

"Fuck." I said it louder.

"Bells?"

"Fuck!" I practically shouted it. It felt surprisingly good. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

"Baby?"

But it didn't change anything. I tried smiling, but I'm sure I couldn't have even convinced one of the pigeons at my feet that I was happy.

"Do you want to talk?"

"I can't." I sat down on the edge of the fountain, feeling weak and stupid.

"Why couldn't I do this on my own? Why can't I just help myself?" I asked more to myself than to Jake.

"Bells, only fools help themselves when they're in court."

"That's not exactly how the saying goes, Jake." And why was I such a bitch? I knew what he meant.

"I don't care about the stupid saying," he argued. "We're not islands; we're people. And people don't go around doing everything by themselves. When you're hurt, when you're scared, I'm going to be there. And there's nothing wrong with that. And when you need someone to stand up for you in court, it's good to have a lawyer around. What the hell do you think you've done wrong?"

Well, I wanted to get into my lawyer's pants, and I couldn't stop wondering if he felt the same way.

"I should have been stronger. I should be stronger now."

"Did you just hear anything I said? Dude… you graduated from medical school with an infant and a leg that was broken in three places. And you were testifying in court against your husband at the time. And then you moved across the country and kicked-butt at CHOP. You could have had any job in the country, I think. You're amazing, and smart, and the best mom ever. And I'm so lucky you kept me around."

"You hate Philly."

"I love you."

"You miss your family."

"You know what I think about family."

Ness and I were his family. He'd said it a million times. And sure, I'd graduated and all that, but I couldn't have done it without him. And we weren't even a couple then.

It wasn't until I was assigned to a residency here in Philly. When I got the letter in the mail I was excited for about ten seconds, and then I broke down and cried. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I could hardly even walk, and Ness couldn't sleep for more than two hours straight, and my mom lived in Florida and my dad was in Forks, and neither could just pick up and leave and help me out.

Jake found me at the kitchen table an hour later, crying, with Ness on my lap. He read the letter, and smiled and couldn't understand what my problem was. I'd gotten so much better by then. I hardly ever cried. And he was so proud of me.

"But I can't go, Jake. How can I do a residency? I've got Vanessa to take care of. It's three thousand miles from my dad, and a thousand miles from my mom."

"You'll find help. Philly's a big city; there are nannies, and sitters, and daycares. You're amazing. You can do it, Bells. I don't have a doubt in the world."

Something had clicked as I stared across the table at Jake. Something about his tight white T-shirt and the earnest look in his eyes. He believed in me about as much as my parents did. And the way he was looking at me, I think he cared about me as much too.

"Come with me."

"What?"

"Come with me to Philadelphia, Jacob."

Of course, I knew how he felt. It'd killed him when I'd dated Quil. And I remembered the way he looked at me when I got back from the junior prom with my dress torn, and how I'd had to hold him back from killing that guy. Not that he'd needed to do anything; I'd done enough damage to the jerk on my own.

"What?" Jake asked again.

I'd placed Ness down in her little Moses basket and walked across the cramped apartment kitchen to the doorway where he was standing.

"What are you asking, Bells?" I saw the hope he was trying to mask. He wanted to believe it was true. Just like he'd wanted to believe me today.

"All this time, and I never really saw what was right in front of me." He was strong, capable, handsome, and he loved me.

And when I touched him, I felt calm. His eyes were excited and questioning all at once, and he stroked my face with his long fingers. His skin was warm, and his fingers were rough from all the work he'd done since he was a little kid.

He'd never hurt me.

"Jacob."

"Bells, what are you doing?"

I stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the lips for the first time, ever. He was so surprised, that he didn't even kiss me back. So I tried again. That time, his arms practically crushed me in his embrace, and just like today, I felt like he was holding the pieces of me together when I couldn't. And all the need and desire he'd been holding back all those years kind of exploded out of him, so that it wasn't sweet or romantic, it was kind of frantic.

And, for a second, I was sure I'd been an idiot, because I could have chosen Jake so long ago, and I'd have avoided James altogether.

But then Ness started crying in her basket, reminding me that something good had come out of all that hell. I picked Ness up, and bounced her and kissed the top of her head and shushed her, and then took a seat and quickly whipped out my boob to feed her. I glanced up and saw Jake looking at my breast.

"Bells," he said, not looking away from my boob.

"Jake?"

His black eyes flashed and he smiled at me cautiously. "I love you, Bells."

"Jake, I love you too." He sighed and turned towards the window, as if my love wasn't enough. Maybe he knew it all along.

"And when you say you want me to come to Philly?"

"I mean, that I want you there, with me. Together."

For the first time in so many years, I felt like I'd made the right choice. We fell into family-hood so easily. We just clicked together, and we didn't argue, ever. Our families were overjoyed.

Of course, at first, Jake always wanted more in the bedroom. But Ness was hardly sleeping, and we moved cross-country and had to get settled with an infant, and I was working twenty-four hours at a stretch. Sex was pretty far down on the list. And Jake understood, I think.

"Baby, are you going to be okay?" Jake asked, bringing me back to the present. He still had his arms around me as we sat on the edge of the fountain, and as I looked up at him I noticed little water droplets beading in his dark hair. "I've got to get back to the garage or Paul's gonna kill me."

"I'm sorry, Jake. I wish I'd never gotten us into all of this. I'm just… I'm… _fuck_. You know?" I couldn't say what I really felt, because it was so messed up, so awful.

"You're too hard on yourself, Bells."

I tried not to start crying again so Jake could go back to work.

xXxXx

"Bella!" Alice jumped off her barstool and glided gracefully across the dining room like she was some modern day Grace Kelly. "It's so good to see you!" Alice hugged me like we were old friends and it had been years, when really, we'd just met yesterday. But even though she was so over the top dramatic, and I was still feeling like an ungrateful girlfriend, something about Alice made me smile.

As she led me back to the counter of the trendy little diner, I couldn't help but admire her green linen dress shorts and her pale yellow sleeveless blouse. She looked cool, and businesslike and young, all at once.

"Do you want something to drink? Iced tea? Lemonade?"

"Iced coffee?" I couldn't stand the coffee in this city, but I kept trying anyway.

"Sure. Hey, Tom? Could you get my friend an iced-coffee and a menu?"

"Sure thing, Alice. Nice to see you're not eating alone today."

Alice smiled politely at Tom, and the waiter chuckled a little, and I could tell he was trying to be a little more than friendly to his customer. The poor guy could hardly look away from her. But Alice turned to me, seemingly oblivious.

"Do you come here a lot?" I asked.

"I have a good feeling about this place, lately. And they have an awesome pulled pork sandwich."

"Is that why you've been hanging around my place every day for two weeks?" Tom asked, trying to get Alice's attention again. "The pulled pork?"

"And the good feeling. I never ignore my gut feelings," she replied, glancing over her shoulder at Tom.

"Remind me to thank your gut," Tom said with an easy smile as he needlessly wiped the counter next to where we sat. I took Alice's suggestion and ordered the pulled pork, forcing Tom to reluctantly leave us to place my order with the kitchen. I took a sip of my iced coffee, thinking about my own unfortunate gut feelings.

I'd had a gut feeling that it was okay to let James sweep me off my feet, and a gut feeling that I should marry him, even though I hardly knew him. He seemed mysterious and knowledgeable, and it made sense that he was so in control, because he was older and knew so much more about the world. And now I was having gut feelings all over again; like the impulse to give Edward a ride home, the impulse to ask him to lunch at my house, the need to hire him as my attorney.

And I thought about how angry Jake had been, how I couldn't explain anything to him, because it meant that I'd tear our relationship apart… tear apart the only good relationship I'd ever had.

"My gut feelings are never right," I mumbled into my coffee.

"You should have more faith in your gut."

"Nope, it has a track record," I sighed.

"Well, I won't argue, since we've just met. But I asked you here because of another gut feeling of mine. Or maybe two," she giggled, practically bouncing on her seat like a little kid. I could see why she'd gotten along with Ness so well.

"Carlisle said it was something about your business?"

Alice laughed took a little sip of her iced tea before replying. "And your daughter."

"Nessie?"

"Hear me out before you say no, okay? Do you know _AC Nation_?"

"The fashion line? Of course. They're in all the department stores here in Philly. But I never noticed them in Seattle."

"We haven't broken into that market yet. Damned grunge, you'd think it would have faded after twenty years."

"_We_, as in _you_?"

"AC stands for Alice Cullen, and Nation, because it's my own little world."

"Wow, I didn't know." I couldn't think of anything else to say. Alice looked younger than me and she had her own clothing line. I'd just seen pictures in one of those tabloid magazines of Lady Gaga and Dakota Fanning at an _AC Nation_ event in the Hamptons. The Cullens must have been some kind of super family: a doctor, a pro football player, and the head of a fashion label. I wondered what Esme did; she probably leapt small buildings in a single bound.

Alice shrugged. "It was one of my gut feelings. Unfortunately, it came when I was seventeen, and my dad didn't share my instincts. I was a year away from getting anything from my trust. If it wasn't for Edward, I never would have gotten it off the ground."

"Edward?"

"You know, my cousin, Edward." Alice's eyes sparkled mischievously.

"Wait, how old was he then? Did he, uh, have trust money of his own to give you, or something?"

"He was twenty-two, I think. The money came from selling his house."

"He was selling a house at twenty-two?" What kind of twenty-two year old dabbled in real estate?

"His dad died when he was seventeen. He sold his family's home."

"What about his mom?" Edward had mentioned his mom yesterday. She liked orange water ice, but he hadn't gone to Rita's with her for twenty-five years. All of the sudden, I'd answered my own question. "She died twenty-five years ago?"

"He told you?" Alice looked surprised.

"My gut."

"See, if you use it right, it works just fine."

My pulled pork was delivered, and Alice was right, it looked delicious. But it was going to take more than a sandwich to distract me from finding out more about Edward.

"I was a baby when she died," Alice continued. "So I don't remember my aunt Elizabeth at all. She was my dad's twin sister. They were super-close, from what I understand. When she died, everything changed, but like I said, I only know what people told me."

Everything had changed. That meant Edward had changed, too. I wondered what he was like at seven years old, eating watermelon ice with his mom.

"Suddenly we're talking about my cousin," Alice said, raising her eyebrows.

"You brought him up, Alice."

"You two looked cozy yesterday in the kitchen when I came in," Alice said in an off-handed way, as she acted very interested in the ice in her empty glass.

"I have a boyfriend." Someone besides Jake needed to start remembering that.

"You mentioned that. Sorry. I just liked the way you guys looked together. My gut, you know. It never stops. I want Edward to be happy."

I wanted that too, I guess. Why else would I have given him that prescription? I'd slipped and called it 'our list' yesterday. And last night, as I drove him home, he'd said it too. Our list. And when he was bopping his head and laughing along with Ness, and as he ate melting water ice, he was happy. I liked Edward happy, way too much for my own good.

"I'm meeting him in a little while, actually," Alice continued.

"Yeah?" I was immediately jealous. I wanted to be there.

"Once a month I lend a little help with his non-profit."

"He has a non-profit?" There my mystery man went, leaping tall buildings, like the rest of his family.

"Of course, I don't know anything about law, but those kids always need socks and underwear."

"You're being cryptic, Alice."

"I just wanted to make you ask," Alice said, smiling slyly.

"Oh Alice," I began in a mockingly desperate voice, "would you please tell me more about your cousin's non-profit?"

We both laughed a little, and Tom watched Alice longingly. If she noticed, she didn't let on for a second.

"Okay, since you begged," Alice tittered. "It's called Project Legal Advocacy: Homeless Teens."

"He works with homeless kids?"

"Uh huh. So many kids on the streets don't know their rights, and so many are afraid of the law, for good reason, I guess. I hear the foster care system in this city can be a nightmare. So, Edward's got this huge group of lawyers, and they're young and approachable, and understand where these kids are coming from. They don't force them to do anything, instead they empower them and give them the tools so that they can find a good home, or prosecute abusers, or just avoid arrest or something. I can't do any of that, though, so I just show up with socks and underwear."

"Wow."

I thought about the way Edward had been dressed yesterday, and the swearing and the loud music and I could see how a teenager would feel like they could talk to him. There was a rebellious kid just underneath the surface of the suit-wearing guy I'd met in the fancy office today. That guy that had made a point of holding my hand.

"Wow," I repeated again.

"It's just socks and underwear," Alice said, shaking her head.

"I wasn't wowing _you_."

"I know," she grinned. "He's really a good guy. He's just had a tough life."

I pictured the Cullen's house and yard, and their bidet, for heaven's sake. If that was hard, well… "We have different ideas about hard, I think."

"He's not my brother, he's my cousin. We lived about three miles apart growing up, but if you know Philly at all, you know that three miles can make a huge difference. And well, he didn't really live with his dad at all for almost five years. No one really knew, except Edward, and his dad of course, when he wasn't drunk out of his mind. His dad just let him go. Edward spent most of his time on his own, taking care of himself.

"No one stepped in. Carlisle beats himself up over it to this day. But we didn't know, and I guess it wasn't polite to ask."

"He lived on the street? And you didn't know?"

"Edward's smart, he made it so that we didn't guess. So now, I guess he just wants to make sure those kids know their options."

"How does he have the time for all that?"

"Have you met him? He doesn't stop, or sleep, really."

"Yeah, I guess I figured that out."

"But I didn't bring you here to talk about Edward. Not _only_ about Edward, anyway."

As if I could think about anything else at this point. "Right, business," I said, trying to make the mental jump.

Alice took my hands in hers and looked right into my eyes. She was excited, and seemed a little breathless all of the sudden. "I want to go into business with Nessie," she said, her voice a little shaky.

"What? Vanessa? Are you kidding?" I thought about the pink flamingo capris Nessie paired with a tie-dyed tank top this morning. Did Alice want an example of what not to do in fashion?

"I've been thinking about a kid's line for a while, but the inspiration never struck, you know? But when I met Nessie… if I could just infuse her spunk into the clothing, there's no way it wouldn't be successful."

"I don't get it." Seriously, she was worse than Jake at color coordinating.

"I know that what she was wearing yesterday didn't match in the more traditional sense of the word, but that's why I think it would really work. There was something that pulled that look together, and I'd just have to refine it a little. Parents wouldn't understand, which would make kids like it more, and well, the parents would buy it anyway because it's well-made, by me."

"Really?"

"Nessie has flare, and that flare inspires me. I just want to sit down with her a little here and there. Maybe we could color and draw together, I could go through her closet to see what she likes. And then, once I have some samples, then she could really go to town, picking things, telling me how they should be altered…"

"You got all of this from a polka-dotted tunic and plaid shorts?"

"And my gut, and her spirit. I was serious yesterday: if she were like twenty years older, she'd be my new best friend. But I'll totally settle on befriending her mom."

"I don't know, Alice, about the Nessie part, anyway. I already think of you as a friend."

"I'd pay her, of course."

"I don't -"

"And Ness and I could get together during times when you needed a break. It would be like paid babysitting."

"You're making it hard to say no."

"Can we just try it once? Once you saw how much fun it would be for her, then you could say yes."

"I'd have to ask Nessie first."

"That's going to mean yes!"

"She can be… challenging, Alice. She's just four. I think there's a reason four year olds don't design clothing."

"Nessie's totally going to say yes. When can we start?"

"I tell you what, we're having some people over for the Phillies versus Mariner's game on Saturday. My neighbors and, um, Edward are com -"

"Whoa there, Bella, slow down. You're having Edward over? My cousin, Edward? Really?" Alice actually bounced off her seat this time, so that she was standing right in front of me, her face just inches from mine. She had very minty breath.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded. "I didn't see that coming at all!"

"I don't know." It was the best I could come up with. The way I felt about Edward was so confusing, that it was easier to say nothing. Of course, I knew that keeping it all inside was messing with my own mental health, but I couldn't think of a better solution.

"So, Saturday?"

"Are you free? You and Nessie can have your trial run, or play date, or whatever." I figured the more witnesses there were, the less likely I was to do anything stupid. Because after everything Alice told me about Edward, my feelings for him were careening into dangerous territory. It wasn't just how he looked, or how I felt in his presence; it was him. I was starting to like him. I was in trouble.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Thank you, Bella! I'll get everything together. What time?"

"About noon?"

"Awesome!" Alice glanced at her watch and then grabbed the check off the counter. "I've got to get back to the office. I can't wait to see Little—I mean Ness, again. See you Saturday!" Alice gave me a quick hug, and practically danced towards the register.

"Alice!"

She spun around and looked at me quizzically, a huge smile still plastered on her face.

"Don't you need my address?"

"Oh, right, your address. Of course," Alice said, rolling her eyes and trudging back in my direction. "Here's my card, send me an email, okay?"

"Sure. See you Saturday."

xXxXx

Later that night, after Ness was asleep, and while Jake was still downstairs watching some reality show about custom choppers, or monster trucks, or I don't even know what, I sat up in my office in front of the computer screen.

I emailed Alice my address. It took about two minutes.

I quickly navigated from my email to Google, and before I could stop myself, I typed his name in the little search window.

**Edward Masen**

But the saner portion of my brain intervened before I could hit the search key.

If Edward were just my patient, I'd never do this, unless he told me I could. I'd die a thousand deaths before asking Edward if I could Google him.

But it's the first thing I should have done when looking for a lawyer.

_And he shouldn't be your lawyer_, that sane portion of my brain chimed in again. Unfortunately, that sane voice had become smaller and smaller as the day wore into night. I didn't want to lose Edward; I needed his legal advice and I felt more and more like I needed the feeling I had when I was with him. And I wanted to know more about him.

Without another thought, I hit the search key.

_Holy mother of god._

I slammed my laptop shut, and my foot bounced excitedly on the floor, my chest tingled, and I felt slightly flushed all over. All the usual signs of Edward overload were there, even though he was nowhere near. Apparently, his virtual presence was just as overwhelming.

Of course it was. He was a legal rock star. Holy crap.

I couldn't keep the smile from my face as I opened the laptop and waited for the display to come back to life.

His firm's website was first on the list of search results, of course. When I clicked on the link, a long list of lawyers and their headshots came up. Most of the lawyers at Edward's firm were old men with bad skin and hairpieces, or worse, they just looked smarmy. Edward stood out in that smog like a ray of golden sunshine. Even though he was better looking than anyone I'd seen on T.V., he looked self-conscious in the picture, shyly confident, if that was even possible.

I tried to ignore the little twinge between my legs, and went back to the list of search results.

Next was PLAHT's website. Edward's non-profit was amazing. He had over twenty-five lawyers volunteering their services in Philadelphia alone, and they were expanding into New Jersey and Delaware. They'd conducted over two hundred legal clinics in the last year, and had twenty different locations in the city where teens could seek them out. There were links for shelters, and food pantries, and emergency housing and educational services.

Back on Google, I read about how Edward was one of the top one hundred lawyers in the country, and then there were interviews with magazines and newspapers and all of the different awards he'd won. The blog posts started on the second page: the cases he'd won, the testimonials from satisfied clients, and the warnings for people that might have to face off against him in court.

The three pictures listed under 'images' made me get up and close the office door. He was too sexy for my own good. There was his headshot, and there was a picture of him in a suit attending the symphony. But it was the last picture that took my breath away; it was the best and the worst all rolled into one. He was wearing a tux, his hair a perpetual mess and smiling like he meant it, and the lights around him made his bright green eyes sparkle. Damn, he looked good in a tux. But, next to him was the leggy blonde bitch all dolled up in a red floor length gown, holding his hand. I could handle seeing her with Edward, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out they'd been together. That wasn't it. It was the way she was looking at him. She was completely and utterly in love, and I couldn't blame her.

I quickly navigated from images to videos, unable to stomach gazing at Tanya and Edward together for more than a few seconds. There he was again, giving a guest lecture at Penn entitled, 'Tort law and vicarious liability: how it pertains to child custody'.

I impatiently waited the ten seconds for the video to load, and shivered a little as his voice filled my home office. Even over the tinny computer speakers it had that velvety quality to it, and it was soothing and electrifying all at once. He was impassioned and articulate, and swore like a sailor. The students on the video loved it, and laughed, and Edward's eyes sparkled with their applause. He gave that cute half-smile and raked a hand through his hair.

But then he continued, all serious, in a much lower voice. I watched his hands clench the lectern, the same hands that clenched my hips yesterday, the same fingers that rubbed little circles on my palm right in front of Jake. I leaned in to listen, watching his lips closely, breathing hard, my hand moving from the table to the juncture of my thighs. This amazing man might be interested in me. Unbelievable. I watched his lips as I clenched my thighs together, pressing my fingers against myself. I watched his fingers curl, as I curled my own, and pressed through the denim of my jeans.

I heard heavy steps on the stairs, and slammed the laptop shut, like I was a kid caught with my dad's Playboy. But it was much worse than that; I was a mom lusting after her lawyer. Or maybe I was just doing research on my lawyer. Oh shit. I didn't know what I was doing.

"Hey Bells, I'm going to bed," Jake called through the closed door.

"I'll be up in a couple minutes Jake. There's something I've got to finish in here."

"Okay, baby. See you in a few."

It was only after I heard the bedroom door shut, that I opened the laptop again.

xXxXx

The week passed in suspended animation. Everything was unreal and blurry, just a way to pass the time between the present and Saturday. It didn't matter that it was wrong to feel that way. It didn't matter that I had a daughter and a boyfriend. I didn't ignore them, I smiled at the right times, they were well fed and loved, if somewhat absently.

I wondered if he liked me when I was falling asleep, and when I sat down to check my emails, and when I was cooking. Especially when I was cooking. My family had inadvertently become an Edward test kitchen. I dreamed about all sorts of ways to make vegetables indulgent, to barbecue beans, to make the best and most inconspicuous vegetarian lunch possible. In the past I was always trying to get Ness and Jake to eat healthier, so it was only mildly suspicious, I think.

**Tuesday**

I thought about Edward.

Rosalie called to say that Emmett had been a profound idiot. Those hadn't been her exact words; she'd been a bit more colorful with her description. I couldn't help telling her, "I told you so."

**Wednesday**

I thought about Edward.

Rosalie called to say that Emmett sent flowers to her at work. It made her angry, because he was such a profound idiot, (again, not her exact words), and she was afraid they'd make her look girly and weak in front of the interns. I'd worked with Rosalie for four years at CHOP. There was no way those interns would ever label her as weak.

**Thursday**

I woke with a desperate and unrealistic hope that Edward would be at the Cullen's for dinner that night. Of course, there was no way I was asking Carlisle. It was all I could do to keep a straight face Monday morning when we'd discussed Edward's case. After my visit to Edward's office, my talk with Alice and my Google search, I simply avoided speaking Edward's name out loud, because it did things to my body that I wasn't sure I could hide.

Anyway, I had more immediate concerns. Jake was missing his night out with the guys for this dinner, and he wasn't exactly pleased about it. And Esme had specifically asked for Nessie to come, but that late in the evening Nessie was like dynamite, you had to handle her with care or she just might explode.

I swung home after work, and Jake and Ness hopped into the car.

"Mama, I made a picture for the nighttime party!" Ness cheered, waving a big piece of paper with misshapen blue circles drawn on it. "It for Essmee!"

"Baby, that's so pretty. I'm sure Esme will love it."

"And Jake bringed the cookies."

I'd made them with Ness the night before: walnut chocolate chip, with orange zest. Yes, real orange flavoring, nothing artificial. I baked them in Edward's test kitchen, I wasn't proud.

"You think they'll have the game on?" Jake asked, kissing my cheek and settling himself into the car.

"I doubt it."

"Just your boss and his wife?"

"I think so," I said pulling onto the winding green drive that flanked the river. My stomach was full of butterflies. Edward _might_ be there. It wasn't out of the question. I searched my mind for something to talk to Jake about as I drove. Surely, something must have happened at work. Yeah, I'd taken ten minutes at lunch to Photoshop Tanya out of the picture of Edward in the tux. I decided not to talk and turned up the radio, instead.

Jake whistled appreciatively as we pulled up to the Cullen's. I knew what he meant. Jake's old house was about the size of their garage, and the house I grew up in wasn't much bigger.

Esme and Carlisle greeted us at the door.

"You're indulging us again, Dr. Swan. Thank you." Carlisle patted me on the shoulder. I'd asked him to call me Bella countless times, but he just seemed to like the formality of Dr. Swan better.

"Bella, it's a pleasure," Esme said, kissing me lightly on the cheek.

"Essmee!" Ness cheered, charging forward and hugging my boss' wife around the knees.

"Oh my! Hello Vanessa," Esme laughed, bracing herself against the wall so that she didn't get toppled over. "She's not shy, is she, Bella?"

"Not even close. And this is my boyfriend, Jacob Black."

"Lovely to meet you, Jacob," Esme said, holding out her hand to Jake, nearly falling over after letting go of the wall. Carlisle shook Jacob's hand, but his eyes were on my daughter.

"Ness, let go of Mrs. Cullen," I scolded

"I don't want to!"

Esme smiled down at Ness, obviously more charmed than bothered. Ness had a way with people; she threw herself at them. If they didn't like it at first, she kept trying until they did. Luckily, it seemed she'd already won over Esme.

Before we could even begin to pry Nessie's arms from Esme's legs, we heard a car turning up the drive, and I spun around to see a large black Jeep stopping in front of the garage. My heart started pounding.

"Who that?" Ness asked.

"You met him Sunday, Ness," Esme said, picking my daughter up in her arms.

"Ewoord?" Ness asked. _Like mother like daughter_, I tell you.

"Hey, mom!" a familiar voice called as the door of the Jeep swung open. It was Emmett.

Sigh.

"And check it out, it's the pret -" but Emmett stopped himself. "It's Bella." His blue eyes flickered over me quickly, before resting on Jake.

"Emmett, you should have called. We have company," Esme scolded as Emmett stooped to kiss her on the cheek.

"Are you kicking me out of my childhood home, mom?"

"I'll go set another place," Carlisle offered. "We have plenty, even for Emmett. Esme made so much gazpacho, we could fill the koi pond with it."

I grabbed Jake's elbow. He had an unusually strong aversion to cold soup, and I silently prayed he wouldn't say anything.

"Cold soup? Seriously, that shit's just not right," Emmett chuckled.

"Emmett!" Esme warned, "Language. There are children present."

"Like me!" Nessie said.

Jake laughed and smirked in my direction, obviously feeling vindicated about our ongoing cold soup debate.

"You remember Nessie, don't you Emmett?"

Nessie giggled, and Emmett held out his hand to her. When she grabbed it, he gave it an exaggerated shake, so Ness and Esme were both rattled. Ness laughed so hard that Esme had to struggle not to drop her.

"And this is Jacob Black, Bella's boyfriend. Jacob, my son, Emmett."

Emmett smiled and shook Jacob's hand, but I noticed him give Jacob a careful once over. "Bella's boyfriend, huh? Who knew?"

"Yep, she's kept me around for a few years now," Jacob replied tightening his grip. I tried not to roll my eyes, I'm sure Emmett could have broken Jake's hand without even trying.

"Lucky you," Emmett replied with a wink.

Esme ignored the wink and led us all inside towards the dining room.

"And how was practice today, dear?"

"Long, hot, the same as every other day. We got this guy out of Ohio this year, though. Kid's gonna be a superstar. I haven't seen someone handle the ball like that since Long, two seasons ago."

"Dude," Jake stopped in mid-step. "You're Cullen, Eagles, number ninety-nine, middle linebacker. You've got to be f-ing kidding." Emmett clapped Jake on the back, his dimples were on full display as he basked in Jake's admiration and chuckled a little at Jake's use of the word 'f'ing'.

"Yep, that's me."

"Who's this new kid?" Jake asked, and the two of them were off, lost in a world of players and statistics that I didn't care to follow at all.

We were halfway through dinner when we heard another car pull up in the drive. My heart leapt into my throat. I know, it was ridiculous. It could have been anyone.

"Hello?" a woman's voice called from the front door. It wasn't Edward. I sighed and took another bite of my grilled fish.

"Hey, Katie, we're in here," Emmett called.

"I wish you children would call first," Esme grumbled. "I'm so sorry for the interruption, Bella."

"You're just too inviting, mom. We all know how bad you want us back here," Emmett said, his mouth half full of food.

"With grandchildren. You always forget that part."

"You don't have a baby?" Ness asked Emmett.

"Not yet, kid. I'm working on it. I've got to find the mommy first."

"I can find you a lady," Ness offered. "I know this many ladies." Ness held up her two hands, her ten little fingers spread wide.

Everybody laughed and Emmett's eyes flashed to meet mine, before he looked back down at Ness. "It's a deal kid. I think you might have an in with a lady I'd like to get to know." Poor Rosalie.

Emmett's phone started buzzing in his pocket, and he pulled it out to check the caller.

"Emmett, manners, please." It seemed like Esme was forever scolding him, like he was still a little boy.

"Sorry, mom, I've got to take this. Excuse me, guys. Hey, Katie," Emmett said, standing to his feet, and kissing a pretty brunette in overalls on the cheek before leaving the room.

It turns out Katie was there to return a claw foot bathtub she used for a camel at a party. It was hard to follow. I was trying to explain to Ness why her grilled fish wouldn't swim when she dunked it in her gazpacho, without making her cry. Jake offered to help Carlisle pull the tub off the back of her pickup truck and stow it in some shed.

"Mama," Ness whispered. She started squirming desperately in her seat. "I need to tell you a secret," she hissed.

"Excuse us," I said to Esme and Katie. "We've got an urgent bathroom secret."

Ness jumped up from her chair, and we both hightailed it down the hall to the bathroom. We were in there for a little while because, this time, I let her use the bidet. It was almost eight o'clock, and all the cherry ice in the world wouldn't save us from a tantrum at this hour. I held Nessie's hand, as she gushed about the wonders of the bidet and we walked back towards the dining room. As we got closer, we could hear Esme and Katie talking near the front door.

"I just feel so bad, Aunt Esme. That's why I didn't come, it didn't seem right."

"You're always welcome, dear. And don't apologize, you did nothing wrong."

"Mom's just so protective of us, you know?"

"But they're both adults, and they shouldn't be lectured like children. This is between the two of them."

"She's staying with me tonight. She doesn't want to be alone at the condo."

"Alone? Where's Edward?"

I tugged on Nessie's hand and motioned for her to be quiet. She smiled and put her hand over her mouth, happy to be in on the conspiracy.

"He gave it to her. She got the papers in the mail today. But I'm pretty sure she tore them up. I don't know, Esme. Papers, it all seemed so final."

"Perhaps it is, Katrina."

"I should go, aunt Esme. She's expecting me."

"Give her my best. You girls are like family to me. I don't like to see any of you hurt."

I heard two sets of footsteps walk out the front door.

"What's up doc?" I jumped a little and pulled Nessie into my arms as I turned to see Emmett smiling at me from the kitchen.

"Oh my god, you scared me!"

"I didn't mean to spy, Bella," Emmet said, laughing a little and raising his eyebrows accusingly.

"We were sneaking," Ness giggled.

"I guess we all were. I won't tell my mom, if you don't tell her. Do we have a deal, kid?"

"Deal," Nessie agreed with Emmett, giving him the thumbs up.

Emmett raised an eyebrow, and for a fleeting second, I could see something of Edward in him. "That's a pretty weak deal, kid. Here, try this." Emmett knelt down and proceeded to show Ness how to give a fist bump.

"Boom!" she shouted, pounding her little fist against his. "Deal!"

"Okay, kid, we got a deal," Emmett laughed, glancing up at me.

"Deal," I silently mouthed, and Emmett winked, of course.

"Well, it looks like dinner ended of its own accord. Vanessa, would you like to help me get dessert and coffee started in the kitchen?" Esme asked, returning from the front of the house.

"I don't like coffee. I like juice, and cow milk, and Co-a Cola. Mama not likes it when I drink Co-a Cola. Do you have Co-a Cola, Essmee?"

Esme took Ness' hand, and shook her head at me, letting me know she had no plans of giving Ness cola.

"Dude, she loves your kid," Emmett said, motioning towards the sitting room. "But that's mom, she was never satisfied with just two. She'd take in every kid that came by, if she could."

I felt awkward and I couldn't figure out what to say as I sat down on an overstuffed chair. Emmett had just caught me spying on his mom. And Edward gave Tanya his condo, and Esme thought of Tanya as family. I smiled at Emmett stiffly and bit my bottom lip. Edward was staying at Emmett's house. It would be so easy to ask him something, anything. What would I ask? Was he eating? Was he happy? Did he mention the water ice? Did he say anything about me?

I could hear Jake and Carlisle come in through the back door. Emmett settled into a seat on the other side of the room.

"So, uh, Bella. I'm just gonna ask. Did your friend Rose say anything about me?"

I laughed a little and looked away, thankful that he beat me to the question.

"She said you're a profound idiot, but she used more, um, glowing terms."

"Damn," he muttered under his breath. "Did she get the flowers?" Emmett tapped his foot nervously on the carpet, and wrung his hands together. It was the most insecure I'd ever seen him.

"Yep, she told me about them last night."

"What about the ones today?"

"You sent her more flowers?"

"She didn't say anything, then?"

"I haven't talked to her today. Her shift doesn't end until nine tomorrow morning." Flowers two days in a row. She'd be fuming.

"I sent roses. It seemed… logical."

"She's not interested, Emmett." It was best to tell him straight, I figured, before he put in any more unnecessary effort into it.

"She was at first. Interested. I could tell."

"Until she realized you just wanted her for another notch in on your bedpost. You hit on me, and you had another date. Rose isn't going to let someone play around with her like that."

"No games. Gotcha. What else?"

"Maybe you should just leave her alone, Emmett. I think she's been pretty clear."

"I know I should leave her alone. But I don't want to. There's something about her that's different." He looked into my eyes, and he seemed completely sincere. I knew how he felt.

"Maybe it was the turtle pee?" I joked.

"Maybe, my Jeep's smelled like Rose and turtle pee all week. I've got to get that shit detailed."

"It still smells like Rose?"

"Maybe I'm just imagining that part. But the stench of piss is definitely still present." Emmett smiled a little, but he'd lost that easy-going air, and for once, he seemed at a loss for what to say next.

"You should do something that she hasn't seen a dozen times before. Guys hit on her all the time. Do something that shows you think she's different. And she thinks the flowers at work make her look weak."

I was an idiot. But, at least Rose and Emmett had a shot; there were no kids or boyfriends involved. I'd tell her what I did when we met for drinks tomorrow. She was probably going to kill me.

"Does Edward know about Jake?"

I jumped where I sat, and my heart started hammering in my chest. "What?"

"Edward, my cousin."

"I know who he is," I managed.

"Does he know you have a boyfriend?"

I tried my best not to seem frantic, and I had a hard time looking Emmett in the eye. "Of course. He met him."

"Really?" Emmett leaned towards me, his head tilted to the side.

"Yes. Why?"

Emmett shook his head. "No reason, I guess."

"Why would you ask that?"

We were interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming in our direction.

"Vanessa, its cookie time!" Esme called out. Esme peeked her head around the corner, and her eyes darted between Emmett and I.

"I came to get Nessie. We settled on hot chocolate."

"She's not here, Esme. I thought she was in the kitchen with you."

"I was setting up the coffee maker, and she said she was coming in here to sit with her mama."

The bidet. A vision of Ness drowned in the bathroom flashed before my eyes. Without another word I walked quickly to the bathroom, hoping I'd just see her playing in the water spray. But she wasn't there.

"Ness? Nessie! Vanessa! Where are you?" I called, walking through the house.

"She couldn't have gotten far, Bella," Esme assured me.

I knew Nessie a little better than that, though. It had been five minutes; she could be anywhere.

"Jake, could you look outside?" I asked as Jake came running towards me. I was trying my best to sound calm, but Jake jumped right into action. He ran towards the back door.

"She couldn't have opened the doors, could she?" Esme asked, beginning to look truly concerned.

"I'm sure she could, Esme."

"For goodness sakes, Emmett, get your father and look outside too, please. I'll scour the first floor, and Bella, why don't you search upstairs?"

I ran up the stairs, and rushed down the hall, only barely aware of all the bedrooms and bathrooms I was searching through. But Ness wasn't there. There was another set of stairs at the end of the hall, and I ran up to the third floor. The hallway was smaller, the ceiling was lower, and the air was stale and warm. I guessed they didn't use this floor much. I spotted a dim light underneath one of the doors at the end of the hall.

"Ness? Nessie!" There was no answer, but I thought I heard a small rustling sound, and I started running down the hall. "Nessie!"

Black and white family photos flashed past me as I ran down the long hall. I vaguely saw Emmett and Alice as children, little blonde girls, big family picnics, Carlisle and Esme on their wedding day. I pushed open the door to find a neat and impersonal bedroom, the walls lined with shelves of textbooks. It seemed like something between a guest room and a small college library.

I heard the rustling coming from the other side of the bed, and as I took a few steps into the room, there was Ness, on the floor, with pictures and papers spread out in messy piles all around her.

"Vanessa! Why didn't you come when I called you?"

"It's Ewoord, mama. Look, it's Ewoord when he was little."

"What?" I asked, settling down on the ground next to her and pulling her into my arms. I hated to think that it was so easy to lose track of her, especially with James around.

Ness handed me a photo. "Ewoord, right?" she asked.

He was probably sixteen or seventeen. His hair was shaved so he had an almost-Mohawk going on, and he had on a black concert T, and patched cutoffs, and black combat boots. He had a lip piercing and he was holding a skateboard, sitting next to another kid with a bike and a big black dog.

"Right, mama?"

"Yep, Ness, that's him. But this isn't our stuff. We have to put this back. Where'd you get all this?"

Ness pointed to a big empty box halfway under the bed.

"You're going to help me clean this up, young lady. Then we're going to apologize to Esme, for scaring her. You can't run away like that. Do you hear me?"

"Sorry, mama."

"I can't lose you, baby."

We started picking up the pictures together, and I couldn't help glancing at each one as I placed it into the box. There was a picture of Edward in a cap and gown receiving his diploma. He was older, and his Mohawk was gone, and there was something else gone in that picture, something in his eyes.

And then I picked up one of a little boy with blonde hair and grayish green eyes. He was hanging onto a woman's skirt, gazing up at her with his head arched way back. She was so pretty; she looked just like him.

"Bella? Did you find her?" Esme rushed into the room.

"I should have come down right away to tell you. I was just trying to clean up Nessie's mess here. I'm so sorry about this, Esme."

I nodded at Ness.

"I sorry," Ness whined. "It's Ewoord!" Ness held up a photo of Edward and Alice posed in front of a store window. His hands were buried in the pockets of his jeans, and Alice had both of her arms around his waste. He was smiling proudly at her.

"It is, Nessie. And that's Alice's first shop. That was taken just before the two of them moved out. The house was so quiet after they were gone."

"Edward lived here?"

"For a few years, while he completed his undergraduate degree. Not long enough for my taste. I hated to think of him all alone." Esme seemed to collapse on the narrow twin bed, and glanced down at the pictures in Nessie's hands.

"He's like a son to me, but he never was," she murmured.

"Ewoord's pretty," Ness giggled, waving a picture of Edward with his arm around Emmett in his college football uniform.

"It sounds like someone has a little crush on my nephew," Esme laughed, picking Ness up off the floor.

_Like mother like daughter, Mrs. C. You have no idea_.

**Friday**

I thought about Edward.

I couldn't concentrate. I was floored that he would be at my house tomorrow. And maybe he liked me.

Rosalie texted to cancel our girls' night out. I called her back, but she didn't pick up. I wanted to kick her and kiss her all at the same time. I desperately needed someone to talk to, but I was scared to death to hear what would come pouring out of my mouth once I said his name. And I wasn't ready to hear what Rosalie would say.

**Saturday**

To be continued…

* * *

**A/N: Don't hate me... Edward's coming in the next chapter. I promise. I knew this anticipation was going to build for Bella, and that it was important. What do you think? Is it a crush? Is it more?**

**Thanks to my beta, Lindz, and for all of the reviews. Feel free to keep them coming! xxx, M**


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: Lyrics to _Ask_ are by The Smiths, they're not mine, but the song is awesome and perfect for outgoing Nessie and the more timid Bella... I highly encourage giving it a listen if you don't know it! Edward's whole mix will be posted in it's entirety, somewhere... keep posted and I'll give you all a link when it's finished. M**

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**EPOV**

I didn't know shit about beer. And the fact that I was wandering through the aisles of a Jersey beer distributor shopping for Jacob Black was the measure of something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Tourists and transplants always had shit to say about Pennsylvania's liquor laws. But it wasn't that fucking hard: walk to a corner store or find a pizza place, buy beer. Idiots. Bella had asked me to bring something you could only find out of state, but I hadn't had a fucking drink in nineteen years, and back then I was drinking cans of piss. I repeat: I didn't know shit about beer.

"This one!" Alice decided, shoving a six-pack of Deschutes Twilight Ale in my face. "It's from the Northwest."

"Is Jacob from the Northwest?"

"How would I know? But Bella is," she said with a wink, turning on her heels and walking towards the register.

In that moment, I had one of those flashes where I wished I wasn't broken. Jacob Black could sit outside on a summer night and have a beer with Bella like a normal boyfriend, and he could have an argument with her, and then he could make up with her and take her in his arms and kiss her. And then he could leave her sitting on the edge of a fountain without looking back, because he'd be seeing her later that night, and every night for the immediate future.

Asshole.

I'd like to think that I wouldn't have left her like that.

"Edward, we're going to be late."

"I thought you said your lunch with Bella on Monday had nothing to do with me."

"It didn't," Alice said without looking back.

"And you're coming _today_, because?"

"Because Bella invited me. _Please_. Everything I do doesn't revolve around you, big brother."

"Keep telling yourself that, little sis."

Of course, anyone that's been through high school or college could figure out why Bella invited Alice: if you invite your friends along, then it's not a date. Bella had already made herself perfectly clear. She'd said to my face that this lunch was a bad idea. Yet here I was, going anyway, _and_ bringing beer for her boyfriend: more fucking proof of my vaginal balls.

"Will it make you feel better if_ I_ buy the beer?" Alice asked with a roll of her eyes, as I place the six-pack on the checkout counter.

"I don't know what you mean."

Alice shrugged and went to pull her wallet out of her purse.

"I can get the goddamned beer, Alice."

The guy at the register looked back and forth between Alice and me. "One of you's gonna have to pay sixteen ninety-nine," he huffed, eyeing the line forming behind us. I handed the man a twenty.

"Jacob's going to love it. I know it." Alice flashed a playful smile my way, and gave the guy at the register a little wave good-bye.

"Well, thank fucking Christ for that," I muttered sarcastically.

"Play nice, big brother. This is a business meeting, for both of us. Be on your best behavior and all, or I'll tell mom."

"You'll tell her that we were buying little boys beer in New fucking Jersey?"

"Seriously, watch your mouth today, Edward. Try being nice for a change. He's your client's boyfriend."

I sighed and slid into the car. "You think I can just change to suit the situation? Bella hired me, _and_ my mouth. And she's my client, not him; I don't owe the little boy anything."

"You've _already_ changed, you numbskull. And you're wrong about the boyfriend. You owe him plenty."

"Not enough to start using words like numbskull."

"Example number one," Alice continued, ignoring me. "When was the last time you showed up at a client's home with beer?"

"She asked to meet at her house, _and_ to bring beer."

"Example number two: You've got a new, little pink iPod," Alice giggled, picking up the iPod Nano from the dash and dangling it in my face.

"That's not mine." I couldn't help laughing a little.

"Whose is it?" Alice asked scrolling through the playlist, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye.

"It's for her daughter."

"And you made this mix for her?"

"For _Vanessa_," I clarified, too self-conscious to call her Little Bell in front of Alice. "There's no swearing."

"Uh huh, sure," Alice said, scrolling through the display with more interest. "Are you going to bill Bella for this?"

"Goddamn it, Alice, if you think this lunch is unethical, just fucking come out and say it."

"You're nervous."

"I'm getting angry."

"You're cute when you're nervous."

"You're annoying," I growled.

"I know."

Alice popped Little Bell's iPod into the dock, and we fell into silence listening to _Classic Girl_. Alice turned up the volume, and I rolled down the windows as we crossed the Delaware back into Philly, the tops of buildings obscured by a blanket of heavy summertime haze.

The streets narrowed the farther South we travelled, and the neat sidewalks were dotted with newly planted cherry and maple trees. A pack of kids rode by on their bikes, couples walked dogs and pushed strollers holding cups of coffee, people milled outside of a café waiting to sit down for brunch.

"It's young family-ish," Alice observed.

"I haven't been over here since I was a kid. It's changed."

"So has Em's neighborhood. Is it strange living there, you know, since -?"

"I spent last Saturday in Clark Park. Instead of dealers, there was a farmer's market." I glanced over at Alice and she was looking at me with concern, biting the inside of her cheek.

"I'm fine. It doesn't bother me. It was another lifetime ago."

"How long are you going to stay there?"

"You probably know better than I do," I laughed.

"You can stay with me too, you know. I've already got your piano, and the rest of your stuff. I'm just a girl, living all alone in this big city. I could use the protection of a big, strong man."

I was the one to roll my eyes this time. Alice had been living on her own since she was eighteen.

"I'm just saying, you're welcome at my place too."

"Thanks, but I don't want come between you and T."

"She hasn't even called, at least not since that first night. I guess she didn't like what I had to say about things."

I bit my lip, and stared out the window hard. Alice and Tanya were friends, and friends talked when their relationships ended. I'd expected them to talk. But I didn't want to think that Alice had said anything in my defense, because there was no defense for what I'd done.

"Don't fuck up your friendship over me, Alice, just because we're family. I was wrong on this one."

"She thinks it isn't over, because she says its not," Alice said very quietly.

"Fuck," I mumbled.

"It's good that you ended it, Edward. You know that, right?"

I didn't reply. Tanya and I hadn't been happy together. But I'd just thrown what I'd been calling my life out the fucking window, and these days, from what I'd heard, Tanya was living on Kate's couch, not bothering to shower. Was our old pretend life worse than having no life at all?

And here I was having a pretend date and quasi business lunch with a client, at their house, and bringing their daughter a gift. It went against basic ethical guidelines, but I was doing it anyway. In fact, there was little that could have kept me away. How was I supposed to answer Alice's question?

"It'll get better. You guys were together a long time. It's hard at first," Alice said. I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my head.

"And how would you fucking know?"

"Just because I've never had a serious relationship, doesn't mean I haven't seen other people have them. I don't live in isolation, like some people I know."

"Alice -"

"I think it's a very good thing that you're hanging out with an actual group of people on a Saturday, and that _most_ of them aren't your clients. I like that you have a tiny pink iPod, and that you're going to steal Nessie's little heart when you give it to her. It's sweet. I always knew you were sweet."

"Shut up, Alice." But I couldn't muster much animosity. I was thinking about Bella and how I'd told her at the barbecue that I could do something sweet. I hadn't necessarily been thinking about getting an iPod and making a mix for Little Bell when I'd said that. This was definitely a more PG version of my comment.

"And, another way you've changed: You smile more," Alice commented.

I hadn't realized I'd been smiling.

Bella's house was a neat and narrow three-story brick row house, with flower boxes in the windows and a bright stained glass panel over the front door. It was pretty and unassuming, like her. Alice ran ahead of me to knock at the door, and then waited on the sidewalk, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "This is so exciting," she said under her breath.

It's embarrassing, but the fact of the matter was that is _was_ exciting. It had been five long days, and I couldn't wait to see Bella's face again. I fiddled with the iPod and the little folded piece of paper in my back pocket, as I tried to ignore the pleasant sense of unease in my gut. Heavy footsteps echoed inside the house, but instead of Jacob Black, a tall guy with spiky blonde hair and a beer belly pulled open the door.

"Phillies or Mariners?" he asked, pointing between Alice and me, with a big grin on his face.

"Phillies?" Alice answered, more like a question than a conviction.

"All right!" He bounded down the steps and onto the sidewalk to give Alice a high five. "I'm Mike, and _you_," he said, pointing at Alice, "you can come in!"

Alice giggled and raised her eyebrows in my direction. She knew I didn't give a shit about baseball, and I'm sure she couldn't wait to see if I'd say anything. I didn't.

"I'm Alice, and that's Edward," Alice said to fill the silence.

"Nice to meet ya', buddy," Mike said, holding out his freckled hand for me to shake. "Bella works with you guys, or something, right?"

"Almost," Alice answered. "My dad."

"Oh. Anyway, come on in. Bella's getting Jonah and Nessie settled with a movie downstairs, and Jake's out back startin' up the grill."

I couldn't wait to get a look at Bella's home, but a slim blonde popped into the entryway as soon as Alice and I walked up the steps. She had on a Phillies T-shirt and tight jeans that rode too high on her waist, and her hair was tied back from her face in a messy knot.

"Hi!" she said brightly, giving an awkward little wave. "I guess you're Alice and Edward. I'm Jess. Mike and I live next door."

I glanced around her, taking in the neat lines and comfortable furniture, the gray-blue walls, the deep green area rug over dark hardwood flooring, and the little toys strewn around the room haphazardly.

"Every year Jess and I battle it out with Jacob and Bella. You know, Phillies versus Mariners," Mike explained.

_Every year._ How long had Bella and Jacob lived here, _together_, for fuck's sake?

"Right," I managed. "Nice to meet you." I shook Jess' hand and her cheeks blushed pink. I felt lost as I walked inside. I had a folder of legal paperwork in a messenger bag slung over my shoulder, a six-pack of beer in my hand that no one had offered to take, a small pink iPod and a prescription for happiness in my back pocket, and Bella's neighbors were trying to make small talk about baseball. Alice rubbed my shoulder in a gesture of comfort.

"What the hell is that?" Mike asked, pointing to the beer in my hands.

I held it out for him to see. "Beer?"

"Twilight?" he laughed. "What the hell kind of beer is Twilight?"

"It's from Oregon," Bella answered.

I looked past Jess to see Bella at the top of the basement stairs. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, but a few tendrils hung loose, framing her face. She was wearing a pair of cut-off khakis and an olive green tank top that accentuated her golden tan. Her bra straps were navy blue.

"That was thoughtful. Thanks," she said in a soft voice, smiling at me. I had to remind myself that I wasn't here to fuck her; I was here as her lawyer.

I shook my head a little. "No, it was -"

"All Edward's idea," Alice broke in. "I love your home, Bella. It's perfect."

"You've hardly seen it," she laughed.

"I can already tell."

"I could take those from you," Bella offered, glancing at my hand and the beer I was holding. She walked towards me almost tentatively, like she was scared, and I couldn't help thinking that her instincts were right on the money. She should have been frightened. Because standing across from Bella, my eyes darting over her bare arms and legs, her bare feet, watching her walk towards me, holy fucking shit, my intentions were murky, even to myself.

But she simply took the beer from my hands, and turned to walk towards the kitchen.

"Do you want one?" she asked, looking over her shoulder at me.

"I don't drink."

"Oh. Can I get you something else then?" she called from the kitchen. "We have lemonade and um, orange juice and milk, I think."

"Water?"

"Sure."

Alice gave me an inconspicuous shove towards the kitchen and I resisted the urge to kick her in the shin. I wandered past a sideboard full of individual pieces of pottery, and a big butcher-block style dining room table. Over the table was a painting of evergreens done in shades of white, black and gray. They towered luminously over a dark, watery landscape. But for some reason, my eyes were drawn to one of the corners of the canvas. I moved in closer to the painting, and noticed that there was a tiny little person in the corner, with their head bent over a book.

"It's good, isn't it?" Bella asked, coming to stand besides me.

"I didn't even see the kid, my eyes were drawn there before I knew what I was looking at," I said, glancing at her quickly, catching a glimpse of the curve of her ear, the slope of her shoulder, before looking back at the painting.

"It's me."

"What?"

"Jake had his friend Leah paint it for my birthday. It's from a picture of me out behind my dad's house, in Washington."

"_That_ was your backyard?" It was the kind of information that made you wonder why the hell people moved to Philadelphia in the first place.

"Kind of. Just the woods out back. I was reading. I was _always_ reading. She's good, isn't she?"

"Who?"

"The artist, Leah Clearwater. She moved out here a couple years ago to go to art school. Sometimes she babysits for Ness." Bella took a couple steps closer to the painting, so that her back was to me. Her shorts hung on her hips and I could almost hear their frayed edges brushing against her thighs as she shifted her weight from one leg to the other. She was all long lines and subtle curves, her limbs thin yet toned, her movements assured but graceful.

"I think Jake asked her to paint this so that my old life in Washington was always here with me, but instead, it almost helped turn it into a fairytale. How could something like this have been real?" I didn't know how to answer, so I took a step closer to Bella and the painting, close enough so that I could just smell the flowers in her hair, on her skin.

"This might sound weird," she continued, "but sometimes it's even hard to think of this life in Philadelphia as real. Like I'm pretending to be an adult and a mom and to own a home; that my real life will start any second now."

Bella turned around abruptly and gasped, she hadn't heard me come closer, I guess. She held out a glass of water to me, wet with condensation. In my mind, I played out my own little fairytale: I ran my finger over the damp glass, collecting its moisture, before brushing my fingertip along Bella's collarbone, then down her arm, over her hand, ending on her thigh; watching the water bead, watching goose bumps form. From there I could reach under the edge of her shorts…

Instead, I settled on brushing my fingers against hers as I took the glass from her, surprised to feel a jolt of electricity the moment we touched. If it were winter, I would have blamed the feeling on static, but on a hot August afternoon it could have only been the way my body reacted to hers every time we touched.

Bella jumped and pulled away, and the glass almost fell, but I grabbed it with my other hand.

"Those reflexes," she mumbled, looking up into my eyes. "Always catching me."

I felt obligated to take a sip of water, but I didn't want to take my eyes off her. I knew what she meant about life not seeming real. It turns out I'd pretended at a relationship for five years. And even though being here in her house meant that I was pretending again with Bella, it felt more real than anything I'd done since I was a kid.

Bella smiled a little and looked around, tapping her fingers against her hip.

"Mariners fan?" I asked, trying desperately for small talk.

"By default." She shrugged and nodded towards the backyard, where I presumed Jacob was at the grill. "And my dad and his friend Billy have watched or listened to every game, ever, I think. I never had a chance."

We fell into silence again, and I tried not to look at her chest. Not her tits, but the gently sloping space above then, where I'd be able to lay my forehead against the sweep of her collarbone and listen to her heart. My eyes were kind of desperately drawn there, but I knew it would look like I was checking out her tits. I looked back at the picture instead, trying to fill in the colors, to bring the image back into real life.

"You should put your bag down," Bella suggested.

"I have paperwork in here, for you."

"Oh, right. I wasn't thinking about work, at all." There was a flash of something in Bella's eyes; panic, I think. "Should we get started right now? Jake could finish up the food. You're probably busy. I don't want to take up all of your time or anything."

"No, I, uh… was just wondering if there was somewhere out of the way I could put it down. Somewhere Nessie won't get into it? I don't have anything else to do," I lied, trying to forget the mountain of paperwork that I needed to sign off on for PLAHT's upcoming fundraiser. "There's nothing else I'd rather do," I quickly corrected myself. I was tired of lying.

Bella smiled at her toes before glancing back in my general direction. "The office, upstairs, maybe? No one will be in there." She began walking towards the stairs. "I could -"

"Hey, Bells?" Jacob called from the backyard. "Could you bring out whatever that crap is you wanted me to grill?" Bella stopped and we both looked out towards the back door, but only a thin gray charcoal cloud was visible.

"I'll be right there," Bella answered. "I'm sorry, Edward. Could you bring it up yourself? It's on the second floor, at the front of the house."

"Sure."

At the top of the stairs, I peeked into Nessie's room. It was all purplish-pink, and cluttered with a hodge-podge of Disney characters, baby dolls, a toy tool kit, a rickety-looking bookshelf, and a big bug beanbag. It was messy and there was no rhyme or reason to the decoration, and I'm sure my aunt Esme would have had a heart attack had she seen it. But it fit Nessie's personality perfectly, and I caught a glimmer of what Alice was going for with her new kid's line.

The middle room was a bathroom. It had old-fashioned fixtures and a claw-footed tub, but it looked somehow modern, all white tiled and bright and clean, with green leafy plants and pale yellow hand towels. After sharing a bathroom with Tyler and Eric for a week, I appreciated the way it sparkled.

The first thing I noticed when I pushed open the office door were the books. Two entire walls were lined with dark shelves full of medical reference books, books about food, nutrition and history. It didn't seem like there was an order to any of it, and I had to hold myself back from moving things around. Novels were stashed arbitrarily throughout the collection: everything from Jane Austin to James Baldwin, to the Autobiography of Malcolm X, to Barbara Kingsolver, to a collection of… _vampire erotica_? Holy shit. I impulsively reached for the small volume, but thought better of it at the last second. I didn't need anyone catching me with that shit in my hands.

I needed to put some space between myself and the sex book, so I walked across the room and put my bag down on Bella's desk. That's when I noticed it: my chair. Well, okay, it wasn't mine, but it was _the_ chair. This one was smaller, made for Bella's proportions. Fuck. I hadn't sat in my chair for over a week now. Without another thought, I pulled it out and took a seat. It gave support in all the wrong places, but I didn't care. I was fucking home.

I glanced at her silver laptop on the desk, it's little blue light fading off and on like a heartbeat, and resisted the urge to open it and look inside, if only to see the desktop wallpaper. Was it Little Bell, or Jacob, or someone else altogether? But I had no right to that knowledge, so I settled for checking out the little shit strewn all over the desk. There was a seashell, a plastic purple toy pony with a sparkly pink mane, a few pens, a tiny pair of baby shoes, and three rocks, lined up from biggest to smallest, all the same shade of pale purple as the rock Bella had brought to the barbecue last weekend.

I pulled the chair closer to the desk to pick up the smallest stone. The way the chair glided and swiveled, it was an engineering marvel. I considered paying my own chair a visit over at Alice's place as I spun the around in circles a couple of times. I stopped facing the doorway, and as I looked up, I realized I didn't need to snoop on her computer, because Bella's heart was written all over the wall.

The wall around the doorway was covered with an array of photos, and my breath caught in my throat, overwhelmed that she'd even let me in here, to see her life in pictures. Nessie was everywhere, of course: from an infant that looked much too small, to a picture of Nessie and Jacob at a Phillies game that couldn't have been more than a couple months old.

But, while Nessie was sweet, my eyes were drawn to Bella: as a skinny little girl with a man that could only have been her father, standing in the shadows of an enormous evergreen. He was basking in her presence like she was the sun. Their eyes matched and she looked so happy and secure in his arms. There were others: of a small and sullen Bella in a little boat while her dad fished, Bella dipping her toe tentatively in the water at some beach with huge mountainous outcroppings looming off the shore, and Bella as a slim, doe-eyed teen in a bikini with a woman that that looked too young to be her mother, but too old to be a sister.

My favorite though, was the picture of her looking pissed off in the fishing boat. You could tell that she loved her dad and that she wanted to be there, despite the look on her face. And the way her dad was looking at her, I'm pretty sure he knew it too. And as I looked closer, I saw a little black-haired boy in the shot too. He looked familiar.

It was Jacob fucking Black, in the boat with Bella and her dad.

Motherfucker.

"Fuck."

"You said a bad word," came a tiny, breathless voice from down the hall. I couldn't help but smile. I'd stopped Little Bell in her tracks with my use of the word fuck. Her curly hair was in messy pigtails, and she was carrying a stuffed sheep that had seen better days.

"I did," I admitted.

"You not say it to mama, okay, Ewoord? She'll get mad because you say'ed it and give you a time out."

I knelt down so we were at eye level. "Thanks for the warning."

And with that, Nessie came charging down the hall, and threw her arms around my neck. "I see'ed you when you were little and you had funny hair. But now it regalar."

"What?"

"When you were little and Essmee wanted you to be her little boy, and your friend haved a doggie!"

I was lost, trying to discern what she was babbling about. It all had the ring of truth, but her four-year old descriptions made what she was saying sound like a surreal version of some distant life: like the fairytale Bella mentioned downstairs. There was a lot of that going on today.

"I missed-ed you, Ewoord."

"I missed you too, Little Bell."

"Why you call me L'il Bell?"

"Cause you remind me of your mommy."

"But she big."

"I brought you something."

"A present?" she asked, finally letting go of my neck. She smiled and seemed to shake with excitement. Bella's daughter was so outgoing and trusting; it made me nervous at the same time that I was in awe of her.

"I brought you music."

Her eyes lit up and she danced a little in place. "With bad words in it?"

"No. No bad words this time."

"Oh." I couldn't help but love that she was disappointed about that. I pulled the iPod out of my back pocket and held it out to her.

"You have _pink_ music? Pink is my favorite!"

"_You_ have pink music, Little Bell. It's yours."

"It mine? For me?" The inflections in her voice were all exaggerated, as she tried to mimic how an adult would react. But her delight was genuine, and she grabbed the iPod from my hand.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it! Mama!" Nessie called, running towards the top of the stairs. "Mama! Quick! Hurry up! It's a amergency!"

I heard quick footsteps at the bottom of the stairs. "I found Ewoord like you tole me to, and he gived me pink music!" she shouted, holding the little iPod up for Bella to see. I held my breath as Bella mounted the stairs.

"Wow," she murmured, glancing from the iPod to Ness, and then to me. Shit. She didn't look pleased. There was a little wrinkle between her eyebrows and her lips were pressed together. "That's a big gift."

"I should have asked, maybe," I said apologetically, standing to my feet.

"Can I listen to it, mama? Pa-lease!" Nessie begged, dancing with urgency.

"We have guests, Ness, and they're watching the game." Bella shook her head. I pulled Little Bell's new ear buds out of my pocket.

"She doesn't have to bother anyone."

"Edward," Bella grumbled, but I caught her checking out the playlist with interest.

"You asked me to bring her some music."

"And you know what I meant," Bella murmured still looking through the songs I'd downloaded, then glancing at Little Bell's eager face. "Fine," she relented, shaking her head in a gesture of surrender. "Did you say thank you, Ness?"

"Thank you, mama!" Nessie cheered and ran back over to me to pull the ear buds out of my hands. She immediately plopped down on the floor and began struggling to get the jack into the tiny port. The tip of her tongue peeked out of the corner of her mouth.

"Not to me, to Edward."

"Thank you, Ewoord," Ness mumbled without looking up. I couldn't help laughing a little, happy that she liked it. And honestly, I couldn't wait to see if she liked the music. I'd had some of the kids at Wednesday's clinic help, and the rest were songs I thought she'd want to dance to, and that reminded me of her.

"The music on there?" Bella asked threateningly.

"It was picked out carefully, with Little Bell in mind."

I'm not sure what I said, but Bella finally smiled, almost against her will, I think.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to. She has good taste in music. And I saw this doctor recently that told me music could bring a person joy."

"Stupid doctor, overstepping their bounds."

"Brilliant doctor, pointing out the obvious and trying to make a difference in a person's life."

Bella was about to say something, but she stopped herself and shrugged. "Come on down, lunch is just about ready."

I glanced at Nessie, fiddling with the iPod at our feet.

"Ness and Jonah already ate. It's okay, she'll find us if she gets too hungry or too frustrated."

Bella reached for my hand, and I knew I should pull it away from her, that touching her was … electrifying and unprofessional. But, as my fingers closed around hers, and I watched the smile widen on her face, and the way her eyes glittered, and the way her long eyelashes brushed against her cheeks as she slowly blinked, I didn't give a fuck anymore. Somehow, this was perfect, and my body fucking hummed.

"Hey, Bells, where'd you go?" Jacob called from downstairs.

"We should go," Bella murmured.

Nessie smiled at us from the floor, where she was struggling to get the ear buds in her ears.

"Jess might kill you, you know. Jonah's going to want one now," Bella said, her small hand grasping mine tighter, her thumb tentatively caressing my fingers. Sure, she said we should go, but her hand was saying something different. A few strands of hair had fallen across her face, and she looked like she wanted to ask me a question again, and she looked like she wanted to run away.

"Before we go," I whispered, bending my face closer to hers.

Bella's breath caught in her throat for a second. "What?" she breathed.

"This," I said simply, brushing a wisp of hair behind her ear. My finger traced the curve of her ear, then ghosted down her long neck. Just that little touch and my dick wanted more.

"I've wanted to do that since the first time I met you."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Bells?" Jacob called again, and the spell was broken.

"After lunch… we should talk about my case. We can talk in the office."

Right. Business. I pulled my hand away, and shoved it in my back pocket, where it closed around her prescription. _Stay the fuck away, Masen_, I reminded myself. She needed more than an iPod, more than a fuck, more than I was capable of giving.

Jacob watched closely as Bella and I walked down the stairs into the dining area. Everyone else was chatting as they piled their plates with food. Alice eyed me beseechingly, in what I could only imagine was a silent plea to behave myself, before turning back to her conversation with Jess. A little boy with wavy blonde hair and a dirty shirt was running laps from the kitchen to the front of the house and back. Jacob didn't bother to smile, and I was at a loss for what to say.

"_I want to fuck your girlfriend, but it looks like you've figured that out already."_

Or there was the standard, "_Let's take this outside, asshole_."

"I found him," Bella said to her boyfriend so that I didn't have to say anything.

"Great."

"You have a beautiful home," I tried. _And a beautiful girlfriend. I was just holding her hand, again._

"Jealous?"

"Jake!" Bella hissed.

"Actually, I'm living out of a box at the moment. Jealous seems about right."

Jacob smiled a little at that. "That must suck."

"It does," I shrugged.

Jacob turned his back to me, grabbing a beer from the refrigerator, and I could swear that I heard him say 'good' under his breath.

"Help yourself," Bella offered, putting a plate in my empty hands. The dining room table was covered with a variety of salads, grilled vegetables, barbecued shrimp, baked beans, and what I think was marinated tofu with cold sesame noodles.

"It's not Quizzno's, that's for sure," Mike laughed as he sidled up next to me.

"Nope," I agreed, my mouth watering for the first time in recent memory.

"Looks like Bella's really trying to impress your cousin," he said under his breath, conspiratorially.

"You think?"

"That's all I can figure. But I'm not complaining. Well, a burger would have been nice. Hey there, it's the lady responsible for all this," Mike chuckled as Alice walked over to the both of us.

"No way, it wasn't me," Alice said with a smile. "At least, not this time."

"Bells has been on this health food kick, or something," Jacob offered by way explanation. "She's been cooking every night this week. It's been awesome."

"Uh oh," Mike said with a whistle.

"What?" Alice asked.

Jess giggled a little. "That's what my sister did each time she got pregnant. And me too, before I knew about Jonah. After all that time in the kitchen, I swear I haven't cooked anything since."

Mike waggled his eyebrows at Bella suggestively, and all the color drained from her face. "I don't think that's it," she mumbled, suddenly very uncomfortable. "Excuse me for a minute, I think I forgot something." She quickly retreated to the kitchen. Mike gave Jacob a meaningful look, but Jacob shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.

"What about when she was pregnant with Ness?" Mike asked.

"I don't know," Jacob said between clenched teeth, suddenly bitchy. He stalked off to take a seat in front of the T.V.

"Nice move," Jess hissed to her husband. "Way to clear the room, Mike."

"I always forget."

An awkward silence fell over everyone, and we smiled nervously at one another and ate our food where we stood. Eventually, Mike and Jess went to sit in front of the T.V. with Jacob, and Alice excused herself to go talk to Bella in the kitchen. I was left standing in the dining room, ridiculously angry, as that little dirty kid ran past me every couple minutes. I know it was stupid, but the idea of Bella pregnant with that man-boy's baby made me want to vomit, or to hit something. Bella in his bed, in his arms - in my mind he was sweaty and unskilled and selfish in the sack. At the same time, I knew he loved her, I could see it every time he looked at her, and I wanted better than that for Bella.

"Jonah! Jonah! I getted music!" Nessie came bopping down the stairs to a silent beat, holding her iPod in one hand and that raggedy old stuffed sheep in another. Jonah screeched to a halt in front of Nessie. Yes, he literally screeched; he made a loud screeching noise that would put any eighteen-wheeler to shame.

"Listen," Nessie commanded, taking out one of her ear buds, and pressing it up to his ear. "I know'ed this one. It's mama's music too!" The two little kids stood with their heads bent together. Nessie's eyes were closed and her head moved to the beat. Jonah's eyes were wide open, though, staring at Ness.

"Aw," Alice cooed under her breath as she and Bella came in from the kitchen. "She has a boyfriend, Bella. That's too cute."

"Actually, Ness is holding out. She says she won't marry Jonah unless he stops hitting her."

"That's sound. She's a smart little girl."

"She is," Bella agreed, her voice flat.

"He fucking hits her?" I was floored. Had they talked to him, punished him? Did they need someone to hit him back?

"Edward!" Alice warned.

"Sometimes when he gets too excited, he pushes Ness down because he likes her," Bella explained, not looking at me. "I'm sure there must have been a little girl you teased when you were a boy. Someone that talked about marrying you, a girl you stared at like that."

I thought about Tanya, and didn't have the will to answer.

"Was there a boy that pushed you when he got excited?" I asked Bella instead. "I bet there was an army beating down your door."

Bella didn't answer either. She shook her head, and added more food to her plate.

"Wooh!" Jess and Mike cheered from the living room.

"In your face, Black!" Mike taunted. Jacob groaned and took a long chug from his beer.

"_The bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb_," Ness sang out loud in her tiny soprano. Jonah laughed at her and jumped up and down.

Bella glanced in my direction, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the smile on her face. "_A Smiths_?" she mouthed, using Nessie's language for the band.

"_A Smiths_," I silently repeated back.

"_Ask me, ask me, ask me!"_ Ness continued singing, dancing where she stood, shaking her head and shaking her booty and holding Jonah's hand.

"Come on, you two, let's eat and watch the game," Alice said. And that's what we did.

xXxXx

Baseball is a fucking long-ass game. I can't say I'd ever sat down and watched a game from beginning to end before. I hoped I never fucking had to again. I didn't pay much attention, trying instead to keep an eye on Little Bell to make sure that dirty little kid didn't hit her, and trying not to watch Jacob and Bella sitting next to one another, just three fucking feet away from me.

I told you, I've got instincts about people, and I saw that Jacob was good for Bella, and I saw how she fell into him, like she was glad to have him. She was relaxed next to him, and he fucking loved it; he loved her. And because it was all playing out in front of me, I saw what an ass I'd been to Tanya all over again. In five fucking years I don't think we'd ever sat together like that: so comfortable and relaxed.

I wondered what Tanya was doing, if she'd gotten off of Kate's couch this weekend. I knew I shouldn't call, but I'd be fucking lying if I said I didn't think about it, that I wasn't resisting the urge to try things again, to make them right. Because I wanted to be as right as this goddamned kid in front of me was, and when I watched Bella lean over to pick up her beer off the floor, as I tried not to glance at the blue bra covering her tits, I knew I was scum.

The Phillies won, seven five. Mike and Jess left with Jonah, their little scumbag that liked to hit girls. He'd better hope I didn't see him in court in twenty years. Alice brought Little Bell upstairs to color and play dress up, and I couldn't decide which one looked more excited about it.

Jacob and Bella were hanging out at the front door with Mike and Jess. I stood up, but I didn't really know what to do with myself. I started picking beer bottles up off the floor and I could hear them making babysitting arrangements.

Babysitting. It shouldn't have been such a shock to my system. I saw clients that had kids every fucking day; I worked with kids for fuck's sake. But this was different; it was normal. There was no ire, no divorce, they weren't homeless – they were just a man and a woman making babysitting plans. I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself again that they weren't married, that he was just a boyfriend, and that he wasn't Ness' father. But after spending hours in their house, it didn't seem to matter as much anymore.

I took the bottles to the kitchen sink, where I started rinsing them out, before chucking them in the recycling bin.

"You didn't have to do that." I turned to see Bella standing in the doorway, one foot rubbing the other. Her shorts hung unevenly on her hips, and I could see the smallest sliver of skin between her tank top and her shorts on one side. I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

"It's the least I could do. The food was great."

"Better than the cheese steak, then?" she laughed a little.

"There isn't much in this world that's worse than a cheese steak. But this was really fuc-… really, good. Where'd you learn to cook like that?"

"I lived with my dad, mostly. If I wanted anything besides pizza and spaghetti, it was up to me. I liked cooking though, so it worked out for both of us."

Shouts of laughter floated down the stairs from Nessie's room. I was pretty sure I heard Nessie yelling 'poop'. "It sounds like they're having fun."

"I guess we should get to work too," Bella suggested. I noticed her hands clench into fists, before she hid them behind her back.

"Sure."

"Jake will clean up." I didn't give a shit what Jake fucking did.

Bella walked ahead of me up the stairs, and I stared at my feet instead of her ass. As we walked past Nessie's room, she was standing on her bed, modeling a shiny pink skirt and a lacy, navy pull over. Her new iPod was clutched in her hands.

"You can say no to Alice," I offered.

"We'll see. As long as it's a game to Ness, I don't mind. I think. For now."

As we walked into the office, the sun was slanting directly through the window, and Bella crossed the room to lower the blinds. She turned towards me, and we both stalled, staring at one another across the cramped little space. The bright sunlight glimmered around the shade and around her silhouette, so that her skin glowed golden white. Fuck, I wanted to touch her. But there was no one here to push me into Bella this time, so I stood, staring, hoping that she'd close the space between us. And she did move; she dropped herself into the little loveseat against the wall.

I chose the desk chair, and Bella's eyes widened, looking between me and the desk and back again.

"I have the same chair," I explained, as I wheeled myself a little closer to the couch.

"You're kidding."

"It's the best, isn't it? I do everything in it."

"Me too," she swallowed, looking me over, before her eyes fell on the desk again. It gave me the feeling I was doing something very wrong.

"Do you mind?"

Bella shook her head, her eyes pinned to the desk. It took almost everything I had not to look over my shoulder to see what was so interesting. "No, it's just funny to see you sitting there."

"Why?"

"Where do we start?" she asked, instead of answering my question.

Business. Right. "With James Hunter."

Bella nodded her head and pulled at the edge of her shorts. She didn't look at me as she started telling her story.

"We met when I was an undergrad. I was… innocent back then. I was kind of shy, and I didn't date a lot. And I was really focused. I knew I wanted to go to med school, and I worked hard to get the grades I needed, and I had to have enough extra-curricular activities, you know? And I had a job, since my parents didn't have the money to send me to school.

"So, I worked in a bookstore in Olympia. He… _James_ kept coming in, and he'd look at me, and I didn't know what to think. He was older, and … attractive, and I was just this girl from the middle of nowhere. He bought mysteries, mostly."

Bella paused to check in with me, her eyes glancing from me to the goddamned desk. I nodded in encouragement, trying my best to stay in control with my emotions, to hear this story like I would if it were any other client.

"He asked me out, and I said yes, of course. He was formal and sweet; he'd open the door for me, and bring me flowers, and he bought me gifts: old-fashioned, romantic kind of stuff. He was from Seattle, but he started coming down every weekend. My friends thought he was like one of those mysterious and worldly heroes in Victorian romances.

"But I was going to go to med school after graduation; nothing was going to stop me. James knew that and he didn't like it. And, well," Bella looked up at me, "I was… I was a virgin," she said really fast. "He liked that just fine, at first, anyway. When I think about it now, I was naïve. I mean, he was probably about your age."

The sleazy fucking son of a bitch. I'd have him by the balls in court.

"What did your parents think?" It came out calm, but I was seething inside.

"My dad didn't know. He'd have shot him. Dad's a sheriff."

"I think I love your dad."

"And my mom, she's, well… people call her a free spirit, when they're being nice. She thought that having an older man sweep me off my feet was romantic.

"So, we eloped. I went to med school in Seattle and I slept with him. It should have fixed everything, right? But things changed a lot after that summer. We moved into his tiny little apartment, and he wasn't mysterious and he wasn't romantic. He wanted to keep track of me, to know where I was and who I was with.

"And, when he'd get mad, he'd say things. Nasty things. It was all so gradual, I guess. So, instead of getting angry, maybe I started to believe some of it. I didn't have anyone in Seattle, there were some friends in Olympia, but they stopped calling. I was too embarrassed to say anything."

Bella paused and looked like she was studying the bookshelf across the room, and I tried my best not to let my anger show. I could feel her anxiety beginning to fill the room around us.

"Do you need a break?"

"This is just hard to say, Edward. Because, I never wanted to think I was so weak, so stupid. But when I look back, I want to slap that girl and tell her to run, to transfer out of the city, to go to her mom, or her dad, or… I _never_ wanted to be the victim. I wasn't raised that way, and… and looking at you sitting over there, I don't want to be her now."

I leaned over and held her hand. It wasn't my attraction to her that made me do it; it was the support I'd lend to any of my clients. She didn't look at me; she just shook her head and took short little breaths. Nessie and Alice's voices carried through the closed door, cutting through the tension in the air.

"I'm not good," Bella whispered.

"Don't say that."

"You don't know." That's when she looked at me, her big brown eyes deep and sad, trying to tell me her story without words.

"Tell me."

"I had long shifts at the hospital, nights. He'd drop in and try to find me. People talked. When I told him to stay away, he accused me of cheating on him. I didn't. I didn't even know anyone anymore; I certainly wasn't sleeping with anyone. And I was so burnt by the end: from the stress of school and from… James. I knew he'd never leave Seattle, so I applied to residencies as far from there as I could. I planned on leaving him after graduation, or after boards, just as soon as I got a minute to breathe."

Bella pulled her hand from mine. She leaned her body away from me, and rested against the arm of the couch, instead. "And then I got pregnant. I was using a diaphragm, but, I got pregnant anyway, and… and I felt like, like I was trapped… and I was… I was…I -"

"Shh."

Before I knew it, I was next to her on the couch, my arms around her as she sobbed, pressing her face against my chest, her warm tears bleeding into the thin cotton of my shirt. And then, like she was giving in, finally, she wrapped her arms around me, grabbed my shirt in her fists, and pressed her shaking body against mine.

To be continued….

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, sorry to leave off here. Bella's story became too much for me, it became too much for her. I'd love to hear what you think... about Edward's attitude towards Bella and Jake, about Bella's break down at the end, anything else you feel compelled to tell me! Thanks to Lindz for being such an amazing beta, and thanks to you guys for the reviews! I'll update soon. Oh, and Deschute's Twilight Ale is totally real, I couldn't resist the urge to use it. Until next time, happy summer. xxx, M**


	12. Chapter 10, Pt II

**EPOV**

_Before I knew it, I was next to her on the couch, my arms around her as she sobbed, pressing her face against my chest, her warm tears bleeding into the thin cotton of my shirt. And then, like she was giving in, finally, she wrapped her arms around me, grabbed my shirt in her fists, and pressed her shaking body against mine. _

I could feel each subtle movement of her body as she shuddered: her breasts against my chest, her thighs rocking against mine, her small knuckles pressing into my back, and her warm, damp breath against my neck. And I held her closer, not because of any sick ulterior motives, but because I knew. I just never would have guessed. I knew with the singular understanding of someone that's watched his soul splatter on the fucking floor, that she could break. And I wanted to keep her from breaking like I had so many years ago, and holding her was the only way I knew how.

I'd heard stories like Bella's more times than I cared to admit. It was my job. I took that information and used it and made things right. I was good at my fucking job. But in Bella's presence, there was no way I could remain detached and simply do my job. Did that make me a bad fucking attorney? Probably. I didn't give a shit.

She nuzzled her head against me, and the movement pulled her ponytail loose so that her dark brown hair cascaded over my hands, over her face. I pushed it back behind her ear and pressed my lips to the top of her head, rocking, like you would a child or a mother or a wife. And for the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn't know exactly how much time passed; it could have been five minutes or an hour, but Bella's sobs finally subsided, until she was simply breathing in my arms.

She folded her legs and her thighs laid over mine, and her fists unfurled so her palms were flat against my back. And as she stilled in my arms, I knew I had to put space between us, because my dick was beginning to realize that the crisis was over, and it had some fucked up ideas of its own.

But I didn't want to let go. I'd thought I was home as I sat in her chair just hours ago. But this was fucking home: Bella and I together, and fuck if I ever wanted to leave.

A stray splash of afternoon sunlight glanced off of a picture frame hanging on the wall across from us, flashing in my eyes, distracting me for a second. A second was all it took, though. As I glanced up at those photos, my arms immediately began to loosen, almost of their own accord. She wasn't mine, this wasn't mine, I was in the house she shared with Jacob fucking Black, a nice guy that would probably give his left nut for her. A dark weight fell through my center, and I let her go.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she lifted her head from my chest and planted her feet on the ground. Her face was so close to mine that I could feel her breath against my lips. There was a pink splotch where she'd pressed her wet cheek against one of the buttons on my shirt. She was beautiful, and she wasn't mine.

"Don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong."

Bella sighed and closed her eyes, bowing her head, and her chestnut hair tickled my nose. I had to bring back the fucking attorney, because otherwise I was just a piece of garbage taking advantage of a woman in a crisis.

"Do you need more time before we begin again? Some water would help, maybe?" My voice sounded wrong; it was too hard and clinical, considering her arms were still around me, and I was close enough to her mouth to know her breath smelled like cinnamon.

Bella's head shot up, her wide eyes fixed on mine. I think she'd forgotten about the attorney too. I tried to ignore the pleasant burn I felt so close to her, and to ignore the way my own eyes felt suddenly damp and exposed, the way I felt naked in front of her. There were fresh tears trailing down Bella's face. I cupped her cheeks in the palms of my hands and brushed my thumbs under her eyes, catching her tears, and we waited, suspended, breathless.

"You have poop on your head!" Nessie called from down the hall.

"And you have an Alice on your belly!" Alice laughed and Nessie playfully screamed.

"You have a sheep on your knee!"

"And you have a zerbert on your cheek!" A big, wet fart echoed through the hallway, followed by uncontrollable laughter.

Bella and I smiled at one another and she shimmied backwards on the small couch, until her back rested against the arm. My body missed hers immediately, leaving a gaping void where she'd been, leaving me incomplete and restless. Until that moment, I hadn't realized that's how I always felt, and how wrong it was. Fuck, up until a week ago, I hadn't felt. Period.

"She's having fun with Alice," Bella said, looking towards the door. With her attention elsewhere, I was even more lost.

"She's amazing, you know." That was something undeniable and easy to say. Anything else would have been too enormous, too difficult.

"Sometimes I don't know where she came from; she's so outgoing and funny, she doesn't hide anything."

"Anyone with eyes would know she's yours. She looks just like you, and the way she cares so openly about people, that's the same, too."

Another tear trickled down Bella's cheek, and I resisted the urge to wipe it away again. I instinctively knew that time between us was over.

"I always dreamed that when I found out I was pregnant, it would be the happiest day of my life. That I'd run to my husband, whoever he was, with that silly plastic stick in my hand and a stupid smile on my face. And he'd kiss me, and I don't know, we'd make love in the rain, or something, because it's always raining back home.

"But I wasn't happy about Ness," Bella murmured as Nessie's infectious laughter echoed through the second floor. Bella paused to wipe her eyes, and I held onto the back of the couch to keep myself from moving closer to her, trying to fathom the weight of the what she'd been carrying with her.

"It felt so wrong, and it hurt so much to feel that way. Here I was educated, married, with a home and food and, I don't know, medical insurance, and I didn't want it at all. I felt like it was the worst thing that could have happened. I didn't love her at first, because she was part his."

Bella's eyes met mine, pleading. I knew this had shit to do with the case, but we were beyond that. "You're not bad."

Bella wiped her eyes again and folded her legs underneath her, shaking her head.

"Maybe I do need a break. Do you mind?"

A break? I'd give her whatever she asked for, and I understood that in a way I hadn't before we'd entered this room together. I'd give her all the time she needed. I'd be happy to stay with her in that little room forever. Fuck, I'd stay on the couch with her forever; we didn't need the whole room. On second thought, the couch and the desk, that would cover it. _We_ could cover it. Bella was looking at me expectantly. Thank fucking god I hadn't been speaking out loud.

"No, I don't mind."

Bella stood up and stretched, then walked across the room and started moving some books on the shelf, uncovering a small stereo. After she pressed some buttons, soft twangy music filled the air, and she quickly turned down the volume.

Music, to auditory tolerance

"Is this okay?" she asked, turning and smiling weakly, playing the part of hostess, and… friend?

"Did you really just put on alt country? And here I thought we saw eye to eye on music," I chuckled. Bella's smile widened, her shoulders relaxed, and I felt ridiculously proud. I'd hoped my statement would lighten the mood, and it had.

"Hey, it's a good song. You don't like Wilco?"

"Do I look like the kind of guy that goes around Philly wearing plaid shirts with ironic snaps, big belt buckles and cowboy boots?"

Bella raised her eyebrows and her smile turned playful. "I like this song. Does that mean I'm that kind of girl?" I'd probably pay good money to see Bella dressed like that, but I simply shrugged instead of sharing that particular information with her.

"I saw them at Bumbershoot in Seattle, in the stadium at night," she said, leaning back against the bookshelf. "I was laying on a blanket with a beer in my hand, watching the purple clouds drifting across the sky, and the stars broke through just as they started playing _California Stars_. It's one of my favorite memories."

"Just tell me you weren't dressed like some alt hipster cowgirl." _Or tell me that you were. I'd like you either way. _Bella's eyes glittered like she could tell what I was thinking, and I was immediately ashamed.

"Nope, just chaps and a cowboy hat."

The shock of that particular image must have shown on my face, and Bella sank to the ground giggling. "You men are too easy."

"That might be the first time anyone's labeled me as easy," I choked out, each word sticking in my throat, half laughing, and half coughing.

"Please. You're just a normal, American man. Of course you're easy. No one's pointed that out? Ever?"

I couldn't help but laugh, because I was pretty sure no one had ever called me normal before, either. Maybe Bella's presence made it easier for me to act normal, except that I was never actually acting around her. I needed time to think about that, and to think about Bella, chaps and a cowboy hat. Fuck. I was truly at a loss, and as I glanced across the little room at Bella, I could see that she knew we'd gone too far. Again.

"No, never," I sputtered, finding it impossible to look at her anymore. I focused on the pictures on the wall, instead. In my peripheral vision I could see Bella follow my gaze.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't -"

"Shh," she said, silencing me. "I'm nervous, and I say stupid things when I'm nervous. Everything I said in the past three minutes was completely inappropriate. Can we just pretend like it never happened?"

I tried to force myself to say yes, to agree and to just go on. "No. As a _normal _man, I'm completely incapable of forgetting that particular image. But we can try to pick up where you left off, and leave it at that."

Bella's cheeks changed from pink to deep crimson as the reality of what she said settled in with the knowledge that I'd remember it, and I was glad. She'd flirted with me, and I wouldn't forget. I wanted her to know that, and I'd risk her discomfort for it. I wondered how I could be so selfish, only a heartbeat after I wanted to help her. I didn't have an answer.

"I'm nervous because I know I have to tell you the rest, but, for some reason, it matters to me what you think." Bella's eyes locked with mine and I was pretty sure she knew the reason. But I wouldn't push. I had no right, and I couldn't think about her reason, yet. Not here, not now. I had other things to think about.

"I'll tell you what I think, Bella. I think your husband was an asshole, and I'm being polite when I say that, for your benefit. And I think that if I knew you then, I'd have beaten him within an inch of his life."

She smiled a little and shook her head, finally looking away towards the window and the pinking late-afternoon light. "You don't even know."

"I think it's time you told me."

Bella leaned back against the bookshelves and stretched her legs out in front of her. The room was narrow enough that her toes almost touched my feet.

"Right. Well… after I found out about…_ that_, I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood." Bella stared at me hard, challenging, almost fierce. But if she was looking for disapproval, she wasn't going to get it from me. I understood. I'd known my dad well; some people didn't deserve kids.

After a moment with no reaction from me, she looked away. Her voice got quieter and her shoulders collapsed. "And I don't know how he found out, but he did. The day before the appointment, he cornered me in the kitchen when I got home from school. He slapped me and pulled my hair, and he called me a murderer, and asked how I could kill my own baby, and I didn't know…"

She paused. I didn't move; I can't say I was even breathing.

"I just knew I was trying to save myself and I felt like I was losing. I curled up on the floor and cried, and he sat on the kitchen table so I couldn't leave, saying, "_I_ got you pregnant. _I_ got you pregnant."

_Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch. _

The sounds of Alice and Nessie shouting along to a Fugazi song carried down the hall and made a strange counterpoint to the country twang and despair and breathlessness in the office. Bella's eyes were on her photos hanging around the door. I'd been wrong earlier; her whole life wasn't laid out there. There were no pictures of him. The wall was what her life should have been.

When she continued, her voice was barely a whisper. "That's when I knew he did something to the diaphragm. It was like a light went off in my head, and I jumped up and tried to run to the bathroom, but he grabbed my wrist and hurt me and held me there and said something like, 'You won't be needing it now, so what does it matter if it works?'"

_Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch._

Still staring at the wall, Bella folded her arms across her chest, her eyes defiant and her jaw clenched, acting strong. Don't get me wrong, I knew she was strong, but in that moment she was mentally facing off against someone, pretending this shit didn't touch her. I knew the attitude too well, and I wanted to tell her that I got it, and that she could relax. She didn't have to prove anything to anyone, anymore.

I didn't have the words, though. And I don't know if I could have spoken if I did. There was something supportive in the immediate, countrified silence around us that I didn't want to fuck with. So, I moved my foot just slightly, until the rubber sole of my track shoe brushed her toe. She shuddered a little and she dropped her hands to her sides, and Bella was back.

"Idiot," she murmured, smirking in a way that made me want to climb down beside her and take her in my arms, again. I settled for sliding onto the floor. She crossed her legs to make room.

"Agreed," I replied, silently vowing not to touch her again. I tried my best to look professional, or clinical, or whatever, but it was difficult with my knees pulled to my chin, sitting on the floor, listing to the stereo like we were twelve, or something.

Bella cleared her throat, and started picking at the little area rug on the floor. "I didn't go to my appointment, and after that, it was like something kind of broke inside me. I was like a ghost; just a shadow of myself trapped someplace I didn't want to be, something, or _someone_ growing inside of me, and it made me sick. Not just like pregnancy sick, but nauseous, because it was like _he_ was growing inside of me, when all I'd wanted was to put space between us. I didn't love her, and I hated him."

And _I_ felt sick and I wanted to punch something and I couldn't wait to nail this asshole's balls to the wall. And I was supposed to be paying attention, not listing my own impulses. I was a fucking awful ass attorney. And I broke my vow. My feet slid out and touched her legs. She pressed back almost imperceptibly. But it was there. We were connected. She smiled. She felt better. And when she started talking again, there was more life in her voice.

"But, you know, while my life was all a pile of crap, I went to school and went to my shifts at the hospital, and I was good there. It was the place where I knew what I was doing, where I helped people because I couldn't help myself. I really, finally threw myself into it all and I went from proficient to really, really good. I studied hard and I learned to trust my instincts about my patients, probably so I wouldn't have to think about myself."

I tried not to stare at Bella's mouth as she spoke; I tried to listen with my ears, but instead, her words chipped away at my heart.

"_He's too thin. He has no coat."_

"_His grades are excellent. And his attendance is perfect."_

"_He's the _only one_ here every day."_

"_There's nothing wrong with a student taking his studies seriously. Even here, in this school. I wish more children would show his initiative."_

"_Something isn't right."_

_I sat and pretended I didn't hear them. Stupid bitches, I was five feet away. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that school was seven hours where I didn't have to think about my father, or the pain in my gut, or where I was going to sleep that night, or what I was going to have to do for money after I spent the fifty-two cents in my pocket. After that, I stole a coat and skipped class once every three weeks. I was never reported that year. I was thirteen. _

I know you, Bella Swan. You know me.

"But, at home, he'd started hitting me for little things: when I said something wrong, when I got home late. He never left marks, at first. But then, one day, I came back after he was already home from work. I'd been at the library, and I wouldn't tell him where I was. I thought I was taking a stand," she laughed bitterly. Her hand played with the rubber of my track shoe.

"Afterwards, I had this big black eye and I had to take off from school. But I'd get up every day anyway, and I'd go to this coffee shop in West Seattle where no one I knew would see me, and I'd study. I was scared, but I was manic about studying; I couldn't let myself stop to think about my pregnancy, or about my… my _husband_."

She growled the last word, and clenched her hands into tight fists and pounded them against the floorboards on either side of her. "He was my fucking husband! It still makes me so angry. I get why Jacob wants him dead, I really do."

It was the first truly good thing I'd heard about the kid. And I tried not to think that she was lucky to have him. She was, though.

Bella clenched and unclenched her fists, and rubbed her knuckles against the wood floor. She pulled her hair back and glanced around the room. I handed her the hair tie that had fallen into my lap when she was in my arms. I didn't like letting it go, and it stretched a little as she pulled it from my fingers.

"After a few days of studying at the coffee shop, I came home and he was there. He should have been at work. And he asked why I was leaving the house if I wasn't at school. He hit me, he punched me… in my stomach, and he -"

Bella's hands stalled in her hair as her words stalled in her mouth. She finally gave up, letting her hair fall back around her shoulders as she closed her eyes and held her breath. She held out her arm to me, her palm facing up, and on her wrist I could see the faint silvery lines of a crescent shaped scar.

"What the -?" I grasped her wrist delicately, and traced the outline of the scar with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

"He bit me, like an animal or something, and then he left." She lowered her arm, and her hand rested on my bent knee. I should have told her to move. I didn't. I covered her hand with my own, rubbing little circles, relaxing into the feel of her finger pads over the denim of my jeans, so close to my thigh.

"I knew I should go to the hospital, but it was the last place I wanted to go. People would talk. Hell, I should have at least left the apartment, but I don't know, I guess I'd given up by then. That's when Jake came."

"Jacob?"

Motherfucker. My hand stopped moving and Bella startled and smiled, her eyes glassy and grateful.

"I know. Instead of a white knight on horseback, we joke that I got a skinny kid in a beat up Rabbit."

"He's not skinny." What the fuck did I just say?

Bella looked a little hurt by my comment and her hand twitched on my knee, but she didn't pull it away. "He started lifting weights, afterwards."

"Oh."

She arched her eyebrows, maybe waiting for another question. I was her lawyer, and the first thing I asked about was her boyfriend's muscle mass? I couldn't think of anything else to say, and Bella sighed, probably wondering why she'd hired me.

"When I opened the door and I saw how he looked at me, horrified and speechless, it was like having cold water poured over my head. I saw how far I'd fallen, how much I'd changed, what I'd let him do. Jake took me to the police station, and held my hand while I got the restraining order."

"And, after all that stress, I guess, Ness came early. I wasn't even close to ready. I don't know if I ever really thought about giving birth to an actual baby. Jake took me to the hospital, and he was there with me the whole time. He was so young then, but so strong for me, when I couldn't be."

"You were always strong."

Bella smiled a little, but her expression was flat and I could tell she didn't accept the sentiment. But seriously, only four years after this nightmare, she had a normal life. Give me thirteen fucking years after hitting my own personal bottom, and I was still hopeless.

"After that, we called my mom and she came to help, and Jake went back to Forks. But, the same day my mom left, _he_ came back. James. We'd changed the locks, but he broke down the door."

Bella's hand was still clutching my knee, but she was gone. Her eyes were flat and dry; dull, like the ground without rain. My chest ached, full of rage and desire and the need to hold her and protect her; to fucking _do something_. But they were all the wrong emotions; they belonged to Jacob. I fucking got it, now.

I needed the lawyer back, immediately. But as much as I tried, I couldn't let go of the feelings threatening to burst through my skin. I couldn't let go. Up until a week ago, I couldn't find my emotions, and now I couldn't fucking let go.

All I could do was press my hand over Bella's, and listen.

"He was screaming nonsense about me cheating on him with Jake. I guess he'd been watching me, or us, or whatever. And he grabbed me by the hair, and pulled, and I held onto Ness, and she was crying, and after all that shit about me being a murderer, he pushed me… down the stairs… with Ness in my arms."

_Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch. Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofabitch._

_Motherfucking, cocksucking, sonofa…_

"You know how they say you fall in love with your baby the moment you see it?" Bella asked, turning her hand over, so we were palm to palm. And we were warmth and static and fiery hope standing in the face of something frightening beyond belief.

"For me, it was when the ground fell out from under me, and I saw the stairs coming for us. That's the moment I chose her, and I knew I would do anything to protect her; that was when I claimed her as mine, not his. That's the first time I ever called her Ness. I screamed it, and I held myself around her, and I did it; I kept her safe, she wasn't even bruised."

And Bella held onto my hand urgently, like I imagined her holding onto Nessie. I squeezed back as if it might help in retrospect, like I was helping to save her, and like maybe, she might save me too.

"But that meant that I didn't do anything to break my own fall."

Bella looked suddenly uncomfortable across from me. She started to uncross her legs, but there was no room for her to straighten them. I was in her way. I started to rise to my feet, but she clasped my hand tighter, pulling me closer. I ignored my first impulse, and my second, in fact, I put aside all of my impulses. Instead, I swiveled around so I was sitting next to her, my back against the bookcase. Bella leaned her head on my shoulder and stretched her legs out straight. She waited, and I studied her legs, from the edge of her shorts, past her knees, until I saw it: the faint outline of a long white scar over the front of her left calf.

"Compound fracture. He ran down the steps after us, and I thought he felt bad. I thought he'd help, because it hurt like hell and Ness was screaming and he'd seemed to care about her existence for a lot longer than I had. But he was running to get to me before the neighbors did. So he could stomp on my leg and finish it. That's all I remember."

Bella didn't need an attorney. She needed a hit man.

"I woke up in the hospital with a social worker and a police officer and they asked me who they should call. My mom was in an airplane somewhere, on her way back to Florida, and I was pretty sure my dad would murder James instead of help me. So, I told them to call Jake.

"Jacob?" Fucking Christ.

"He came back. He stayed," she said with a shrug, turning her head so her chin rested on my shoulder and she could look at me. I watched her pale pink lips part; they were aligned with my jaw. Her eyes were deep and dark and her leg rubbed against mine, just slightly. Enough. I swallowed. I closed my eyes.

"It wasn't like this," she murmured. And I didn't know if she was talking about Jacob or about me.

"He was just a friend. A good friend."

"It's not my business."

"It is. James said in court that I'd been sleeping with Jake all along. I wasn't."

Right. _You're her lawyer_, Masen. You're just her lawyer. And Jacob is the man you wish you could be. "I believe you," I said, looking toward the shaded window.

Bella let go of my hand and scrambled to her feet, suddenly flustered. She stepped over me to get to the desk. "There's more. There's court papers and transcripts, and I don't know what else," she said, grabbing an accordion file filled with documents.

"But, Edward?"

"Yes?" It was the first time she'd said my name since we'd been alone, and I didn't know what to do with the feeling that crept up my spine and down to my center. I was lost, but I was home, and she was beautiful, but she wasn't mine.

"Can we be done with this for now?"

For once, I managed to say the right thing. If she wanted the attorney, I'd bring back the attorney. Jacob was the man I wanted to be, and I was her lawyer. I had to start acting like one. "Not quite."

She looked like she'd been slapped. I stood and reached past her, grabbing my bag off the desk. My accordion file wasn't as thick as hers, but unfortunately, there wasn't much for Jenks to find.

I leaned against the desk and Bella, noticing the change in my demeanor, took a few steps backwards. "You said he hasn't paid child support, but there's an order."

"I don't want his money."

"He's been employed, Bella, and he owes over fifteen thousand dollars."

"I don't _need_ his money."

"It's not a question of want _or_ need." I took a step closer to Bella and she retreated again, until her legs bumped into the couch. "Owing child support wouldn't preclude Mr. Hunter from seeing Little Bell, if it came to that. But, if we go after him for this, he could be charged with civil contempt, sent away for six months, he could loose his driver's license. And those spots on his record will work in our favor, if we needed them."

"Doesn't he already have some big spots on his record? Don't_ I_ have some spots, on _my own_ body, that would keep him away?"

"Yes, but -"

"There's a but?" Bella asked, her voice rising. She sat on the couch and I pulled out the desk chair. Somehow, we'd gone full circle in this little room.

"He's been to a year's worth of anger management classes, and he's had a clean record ever since… the incident, four years ago. And… he's re-married, Bella. He has a child. Little Bell has a sibling: a little girl. Her name is Bree; she just turned two."

"A wife?"

"Mary."

"A…_nother_ daughter?" Her face fell into her hands, but it was quick, like a hiccup, and she pulled herself up and took a deep breath.

"That woman, Mary… has he -"

"Hospital records are confidential, even for Jenks. But nothing's been filed with the authorities. They live together, or they did, until they left Seattle this past week."

"Do you have pictures in that file?"

"Would you want to see them if I did?"

I could see Bella thinking. "No. I wouldn't."

I placed the file behind me, on her desk. She watched my hand carefully.

"We should lay the groundwork to show that he's still an unstable, irresponsible asshole. We need to petition for back child support."

"What could he ask for with Li-, with Ness? What could he get?"

"We don't know if he _wants_ anything. But if he petitions the court for a change in custody, the most he could hope for would be bi-weekly, four-hour supervised visits. It would be an unlikely ruling."

"There's no way I can let that happen."

Was she kidding? There was no way in hell that fucktard would come within a thousand yards of Little Bell or her mother, ever again. "Then we let Washington and New Jersey know where he stands on child support. Hit him first."

"Fine," she whispered.

"Fine?"

"Fine."

Bella tried to smile and clasped her hands in her lap. I rested my elbows on my knees, and my chin on my hands. The music had long since ended and there was no sound from Nessie's room down the hall. Seconds ticked by. It was the most formal we'd been with one another since the first time we'd met.

I'd fallen back into the role of attorney. It was a part I could play well, and it was what I was here for. It was the part of me that would help Bella, rather than pull her under. And that weight, and that sinking, and that restlessness, and the endless wresting with what I wanted versus what I should want – I'd have to live with it. Maybe I couldn't lose the feeling anymore, but I'd have to try to ignore it.

I sighed. I wondered what Bella wanted. I had no idea.

"I want to help you." It was the most unexpected and miraculous thing she could have said.

"What?"

"You. The kids, I mean. Alice told me about the work you do, your organization. She brings socks and underwear. I could help. I want to help. I'm a doctor…"

"What?" And there was so much more behind that question. What had Alice said to Bella? What more did Bella know about me? What the hell was she offering?

"I worked a shift at a shelter for homeless teens in Seattle. It was called Mary's Place."

"Really?"

"I liked them, the kids; I liked the work. The autonomy those kids had made them different: proactive and dedicated. They were there because they wanted to help themselves. I'm not trying to say their situation was anything but awful, but a visit with one of them was different than seeing some kid with their parents in the hospital. It was hard… but, I don't know… I saw some of them even after I left that shift."

I was staggered. "_Medical_ care? Really?"

"I guess?"

"You guess?"

"Are you pissed, or something?" she asked, pulling herself to the edge of the little couch.

"It's not in our charter," I sputtered.

"Are socks and underwear in the charter?"

"Alice is family," I said, looking again at the pictures of her family all around us.

"Oh," she mumbled, deflated.

"You're serious?"

"Why would I ask if I wasn't serious?"

_Because I have no idea what you want. Because you're all I want. Because I won't fuck with those kids; they've been fucked with enough._

I couldn't say any of that out loud.

"Then come to our fundraiser on the fourth."

"What?"

"Meet the board. Feel people out. See if you're still interested after you get to know everyone. It's a first step."

"For _band-aids_?"

"We're not set up for medical care. It's something we would have to consider carefully."

"A fundraiser, though?" Bella looked ill at ease, and I had the feeling she liked those events just about as much as I did.

"It's just your typical pay for a plate kind of thing. Alice could get you a gown, if you need one. If you want to help, just come… with Jacob, of course," I added.

"Of course," she sighed. "Jacob. He'd need… a tux?"

I sighed right back. The idea of hobnobbing with the kid made me ill. Especially, now that I knew what kind of saint he was. "Alice -"

"… could get him one?" she said, finishing my thought.

"She probably already has," I huffed.

"What?"

"You'll know plenty of people there: Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett."

Bella made a face when I mentioned Emmett and I couldn't help but smile remembering how many times she'd rebuffed him at my aunt and uncle's house. "You really don't like Emmett, do you?"

She shrugged and raised her eyebrows. "Is that so hard to believe?"

"All women like him. Your friend seems to like him enough."

"Who? Rosalie?"

I nodded, smiling a little despite myself. It was my amusement that got me into trouble with Rosalie in the first place. Rosalie's snooping got me into trouble the second time around.

"Rose can't stand Emmett," Bella clarified.

"I beg to differ." I couldn't help laughing a little as I stood to my feet and began adding Bella's documents to my bag.

"What are you talking about?" Bella stood too, and folded her arms across her chest. She looked truly perplexed and slightly offended, and I found it cute as hell.

"You should talk to your friend. I've said too much already. I don't need her any more pissed off at me than she already is."

"She's angry with _you_, and she likes _Emmett_?"

"Yeah, you two are like opposites, I guess." Bella pursed her lips together and I watched the pink of her cheeks spread to her ears, before she let her hair fall over her face. Fuck. She was embarrassed, and she was even cuter than she'd been just a minute ago. I didn't know what I'd said, unless she was embarrassed because I implied that she liked me.

"Bella, I didn't mean it like that," I said with an irrepressible smile plastered across my face. It made me feel like a kid, or like I should have felt with girls when I was a kid. The next thing you knew I'd be making a mix tape. But then I thought about little Bell's iPod, and I realized I already had. Fuck.

"I know," she murmured, her eyes on the ground. "Sorry. I don't know why I'm acting like I'm in high school, or something."

My thoughts, exactly.

"Maybe we both are?"

"You make Jacob act like he's twelve, too… or maybe fourteen. He was fourteen when he beat up my boyfriend, Quil."

"_He_ was the kid, then. The kid that pushed you because he liked you?"

"No," she almost laughed, and I was glad. "It was never like that with us. He was little. He's two and a half years younger than me. That means nothing now, but back then, he was like a baby. He would never have tried anything."

I couldn't help smiling, and I watched Bella peeking at my face, between the shining strands of her hair. "But still, he liked you, liked you?" I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm, taking a step in her direction.

"Shut up, Edward," Bella replied. She pushed her hair out of her face and smirked right back at me. Her shorts were hanging a little unevenly on her hips again. Her hands followed my eyes and she righted them.

"Well, he does now, at least," I said, forcing me eyes back to her face, away from her hips, her waist, her tits. "He likes you, likes you. Anyone could see it."

Bella shrugged, still smiling, watching me carefully. "The feeling's mutual. He says the same thing. He thinks you do, too."

"I do."

Bella stopped, everything stopped: my heart, the breath in my lungs, and time for all I fucking knew. Bella cocked her head to the side, her eyes bright, the corners of her mouth hinting at a smile.

"You like me, like me?"

"Jesus Christ, forget I said anything." I felt my own cheeks growing warm, and I turned around to grab my bag.

"No," came Bella's reply. "As a _normal _woman, it would be impossible."

I had to get out of that little room. I was screwing everything up. I hung my bag over my shoulder, and began walking towards the door. I knew Bella's eyes were on me, but I couldn't look at her. And just as I reached the door, I felt the feather light touch of her hand on my shoulder. It might as well have been a lead weight. It stopped me in my tracks.

"Edward?"

Her hand trembled, and those emotions I couldn't suppress anymore tried to fucking jump through my chest, again. I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes and prayed she'd let me go.

"Edward, stop. We should talk."

Tiny footsteps charged down the hallway towards the office.

"Please, just turn around. This is stupid. We're being stupid."

Frantic little knocks banged against the office door at knee height. "Mama!" I grabbed the doorknob.

"Edward, we have to talk."

"Mama!" Nessie shouted. "You got to write on papers for me! I go'ed to work! You got to sign papers!"

"Edward?" Bella's voice was growing frantic, and she tried tugging on my shoulder to get me to turn around.

I opened the door, and Little Bell fell into my legs. "Ewoord!"

"Hey there," I smiled, kneeling down so I could look straight into her big brown eyes.

"Mama's got to sign papers for Alice cause I go'ed to work!"

"Is Alice being a good boss?" I asked with a smile.

Ness nodded her head dramatically.

"Cause if she gives you any trouble, if she works you too hard, you tell me and I'll talk to her for you," I said poking Little Bell in her tummy. "Alice doesn't scare me."

"Not me eiver. Alice is funny," she giggled.

"I should go now, Little Bell."

"Edward?" Bella tried again as I got to my feet.

"I should probably let myself out," I said, studying the floorboards. "You have paperwork to sign."

Jacob was a fucking saint, and she wasn't mine. I fucked over everyone I loved, and I wouldn't do it again. Not to Bella. I edged past Little Bell, and she skipped into the office with her fistful of tax forms.

"Fuck the paperwork," Bella hissed under her breath.

"Can you write on the papers for me, mama?"

"Vanessa, not now."

"Pa-lease, mama!"

"Vanessa, I said, _not now_."

"Mama, hold me, please, mama. Alice says you have to," Ness began to sob a little.

"Good night, Bella. We'll be in touch," I said loud enough so she could hear me, walking swiftly down the hall. I was well aware that she might fire me, that I might never see her again. But what the hell was I supposed to do? I was in the home she shared with her saintly fucking boyfriend, and he was downstairs, for fuck's sake.

What the _fuck_ did she want me to do?

But as I neared the stairwell, I paused to try to collect myself. I could hear Alice and Jacob talking below, and I didn't want to make a scene.

"_So you're not going to go?" _Alice was asking.

"_I don't know. Probably not. There's too much going on here."_

"_Work?"_

"_No. Here, like, in this house, here."_

"_What couldn't wait four days? You were just saying how much you missed things out west. I'm sure Bella would understand."_

"_Actually, Bella wants me to go. But, right now I worry about leaving her and Ness here, alone. There's a lot of shit going on with her ex."_

"_That's simple. They can stay with me for the weekend!"_

"_You? Alice, no offense, but -"_

"_The rest of my family will be there too. We go to Cape May every Labor Day. Emmett will be there. You've met Emmett, right?"_

"_Alice, I don't know."_

"_Listen, I'll talk to Bella. I know Esme would love to have them. She can't stop talking about Nessie. And then you could go fishing with a clear conscience."_

"_What about _him_?"_

"_Who?"_

"Him_."_

"_Edward? What about him?"_

"_Will _he_ be there?"_

"_This is the first Saturday Edward's taken off since, well, okay, since last Saturday. But before that, it's been years. He never comes with us for Labor Day."_

I looked back towards the office and saw Bella sitting at her desk with Ness on her lap, leafing through tax documents. I knew I should probably go back and face her, but it would all just get more convoluted. Seeing her, touching her, telling her I fucking 'liked her, liked her'. It was self-indulgent, and it would just fuck with her head, when she already had more than enough to deal with.

I couldn't stand on the landing all fucking night though, so I walked down the stairs to face the saint of a man that knew me for the scumbag I was. After all, I agreed with the fucker. I didn't trust myself either, which was precisely why I was leaving.

"Edward!" Alice squeaked as she saw me coming down the stairs.

"We should go, Alice."

"I can't leave without saying bye to Bella."

"She's upstairs."

Alice rolled her eyes. Obviously, Bella was upstairs. Where else would she be? Suddenly, I thought I was the authority on Bella's whereabouts. I was an ass.

Alice looked between Jacob and me. He was not so subtly staring me down, and I clenched my jaw and fought the impulse to say something underhanded.

"I'll be right back?" Alice said, clearly asking my permission. Little Bell chose that moment to start stomping down the stairs.

"You goin', Ewoord?" she called as she labored down the steps as quickly as her little legs could carry her.

"I've overstayed my welcome, Little Bell. I hope you like the music."

"I love it! I miss you, Ewoord," she said, running over to me and hugging my knees.

"I'll be in touch, sweetie."

"Okay, sweetie," she cooed before giving me a lightening quick kiss on the kneecap and running away to the kitchen, giggling.

"Poor Jonah," Alice laughed. "Nessie's got it bad." I glared at her. "Fine, Edward, I'll be right down. Don't leave without me." Alice rushed up the stairs.

"I can wait outside," I offered.

"I can walk you out."

Fucking great. We actually were taking it outside. Seriously, I was kidding earlier. I was in no mood for his male posturing. I understood; it's why I was leaving.

I opened the front door and stepped outside, nearly choking on the hot August air. I walked down the steps, and turned to see Jacob closing the door securely behind him. I pushed my hands into my pockets, searching for my most recent talisman against shit like this, but the paper was gone. Fuck.

"Why the hell are you in my home?" Jacob starting in, as he made his way down the front steps.

I sighed. "Bella invited me here."

"You should have said no." Jacob stopped about a foot away from me and crossed his arms. No, he definitely wasn't skinny anymore, but I felt confident I could take him, if it came to that. I fucking hoped it didn't come to that. It would be the cherry on the top of my night.

"You're probably right," I agreed.

"Do you make a habit of insinuating yourself into clients lives like this?"

"Get a fucking hold of yourself, kid. When I represent a friend, I most certainly meet them at their home."

"She is not your friend," he said through clenched teeth, pointing towards the second floor window. "She's your doctor."

"If you don't want me representing Bella, then you should discuss that with her."

I could see by the look on his face that he already had.

I couldn't keep the smirk off my face. "I see you've gotten your answer."

"She wants you because you're a good lawyer. Don't forget that. She _has_ friends. She _has_ a boyfriend, _and_ a family."

I sighed and shifted my weight where I stood. "What exactly are you trying to say, Jacob?"

"Just keep your hands off her, okay asshole? Anyone with eyes could see the way you leer at her. She's been through enough."

I tried not to smile. But I desperately wanted to tell him how Bella and I first met, how she palmed my nuts and blushed when she made me hard. He'd probably explode. He was standing there, trying to look so tough, and my heart warmed just a little.

"Listen kid, she told me how much you did for her after all that shit with James. I'm leaving. Get it?"

"And you give me this look like I did it all for _you_, or something," he muttered, shaking his head, glaring at me."

"I'm glad she has… _someone_ like you in her life. She said you wanted to kill him. I can appreciate that."

"I'd try, if she'd let me."

"See, against my will, you make me like you more."

"I almost lost them both. I won't let anyone take them from me again."

I didn't know who he was talking about: James or me. I chose James. Bella wasn't mine to take. "That motherfucker's never going to come near Bella or Nessie. You don't have to worry about that shit."

Jake almost stopped grimacing. "Thanks," he replied, but I could tell it was painful for him to say it.

Alice pushed open the front door and made her way down the steps. "You ready, big bro?"

"Sure," I replied, turning towards my car without another word. I tried not to listen to the two of them exchange fucking pleasantries as I opened the door, started the engine, and waited for my cheery-ass cousin.

"What the hell, Edward?" Alice asked as she slid into her seat and closed the door behind her. Okay, maybe she wasn't always cheery.

"Would you mind your business for once?" I asked, turning up the stereo too loud.

Alice immediately turned the volume back down. "What the hell happened up there?" She turned in her seat to stare at me. Why the fuck was she always staring at me?

"I guess your answer is 'no'? You won't mind your fucking business?"

"She's my friend, Edward. She was practically in tears. What the hell did you do?"

"Fuck."

I left it at that. I drove too fast and Alice shut up for once in her life. It only took about ten minutes to get to her place in Northern Liberties. I pulled up to the curb and let the car idle. I wasn't getting out, I wasn't going up. Fuck the goddamned perfect chair.

Alice got out of the car without a word, but hesitated before shutting the door behind her. I saw her clench her hand and she mumbled 'idiot' under her breath, before turning around and sitting back down.

"Listen, I get it, Edward. At least I think I do. I mean, you won't say anything, but I still get it. But she doesn't know you like I do. Maybe she can't see inside your head, yet. You should talk to her; you should explain yourself."

"I just talked to her for close to two hours."

"Damn it. Take a minute to put your own self-inflicted torture aside, and try to imagine how hard this is for her."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Alice put her hand on my knee, and all of those irrepressible fucking feelings filled my chest again, and I felt heavy and happy and incomplete and restless and fucked.

"Don't sabotage yourself, big brother. Give yourself a chance to be happy."

Alice handed me a well-worn piece of paper as she stepped out of the car. "This fell out of your pocket when you were leaving her office. Bella asked me to make sure you got it back. She said it was important.

"I've got to go. I've got to call mom and tell her there's going to be two more at the house next weekend, and I have to find a tux for the boyfriend. Night, big brother."

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**A/N: Hey guys, sorry I left you all hanging last week. It was probably a bad place to end. E & B take an emotional roller coaster ride in this chapter, and it probably didn't end like you hoped. Don't hate me. All the usual thanks: to Lindz for kicking Beta ass, and to everyone that leaves reviews, you guys are rocking my fan fic world. Until next time, xxx, M**


	13. Chapter 11

**A/N: **_**Little One**_** is by Elliot Smith, the lyrics aren't mine… Likewise, **_**Oh Messy Life**_** is by Cap 'n Jazz, also not mine.**

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**BPOV**

Ness was wound up like it was her birthday, or Christmas, or something big like that. As a result, it was taking twice as much effort as usual to get her to change into her PJ's, brush her teeth. And it wasn't helping matters that I felt the same way. Something big had happened for me too, bigger than Christmas and my birthday put together: I'd let go of something enormous, and I was floating, watching my life from somewhere near the ceiling. And at the same time, I was and giddy and embarrassed and confused, and hurt… and trying to act like a mom.

"Let's dance, mama!" Nessie said, jumping around the bathroom, waving her butterfly toothbrush like it was a conductor's wand, spraying me with droplets of toothpaste-y water.

"Brush your teeth, Ness," I halfheartedly admonished, as the memory of green eyes glittering in orange afternoon light flashed through my brain. He'd been so close.

I didn't use enough emphasis for Ness to catch on that I was serious. "I not wanna!" she laughed hysterically, trying to dance past me out the door. But I caught her, and placed her back on the stool in front of the sink.

She stomped her little foot. "I not wanna!"

"Ness, if you don't brush your teeth we're not going to the beach with Alice next weekend." Ness froze. Successful bribery shouldn't have felt so good, and I knew I was relying on it too much lately.

"Okay," she assented, giving me her best pouty face. "But I not wanna!"

_Yep, Ness, and I don't want to monitor your dental hygiene at the moment, I'd rather lay down somewhere dark and quiet, to just be alone with my feelings._ Sometimes you had to do things you didn't want to do. And sometimes it worked out for the best.

For instance: I hadn't wanted to admit to Edward what happened with James. I never talked about that time in my life with anyone: not Jake, not my mom, or my dad. Hell, Rose didn't even really know what had happened. Of course, I'd talked with officers and lawyers and therapists in Seattle, right afterwards. Those conversations were just part of the mess, one of the parts I wanted to forget. But today, I did it; I explained my darkest secrets and weakest moments to the biggest crush I'd had, ever.

And as I listened to the words come out of my mouth, I felt a weight that I didn't know I'd been carrying begin to dissolve. Because it was over. No matter that James was only fifty miles away all of the sudden; I was speaking to Edward about my past, a time that was long gone. I wasn't the same person anymore, and I wasn't just making it day-to-day anymore; I had a life. And alone with Edward in that little room in the shimmering dim light, I felt more alive, more excited, and more happily nervous than I could ever remember feeling. It meant what I'd said; it was never like that before with anyone.

But that's where it got confusing. Because even though it was my talk with Edward that had me feeling lighter than air, it was also embarrassing and hurtful. We'd sat in my office huddled on the floor, touching just a little, and he cared and he held me, and then he just left. I felt high and on fire and he couldn't even look at me, just when we seemed so close to something. Just when I thought, (and standing in the bathroom watching Ness brush her teeth I laughed a little out loud, because it was so stupid) but just when I thought he liked me, liked me.

I was an idiot. He was my lawyer. I tried to explain how I felt differently about him, and he brought up my case. He'd already told me he couldn't have a relationship, I knew he'd just broken up with that leggy blonde, and I was telling him my story so that he could keep Ness safe in _court_. And the fact that I sat in that chair in front of my laptop and got myself off each night to a video of him talking about vicarious liability was my problem, not his.

Now, hours later, alone in the house with Ness and Jake, I felt itchy and uncomfortable, like I'd shrunken a sweater in the wash, and was still trying to wear it afterwards. Something didn't fit. And I wanted to take off the sweater and lift the roof off the house, so I could float away on that feeling of being alive.

I followed Ness into her room and tried not to lose it as she began throwing her books out of the bookcase three at a time. "I wanna read this one, and this one, and a other one, and this one -"

"Five books, Ness," I managed, sounding somewhat authoritative.

She jumped up from the floor and kicked books aside as she sprinted across the room. "Okay! I not wanna read! I wanna listen to my pink music!" Ness went to snatch the iPod from the top of her dresser, but I picked it up just before she reached it.

"It's bedtime, Ness. No music."

"I wanna listen! It mine!" She stomped her foot again.

There had to be a good reason to say no… brain cancer, hearing loss, disturbed sleep patterns, but I was too emotionally spent to put up a much of a fight. I scrolled through the display and I felt a little lighter, and the sweater wasn't as itchy and tight. Edward was amazing, and thorough, and sweet. And he had a way of doing things that made it feel like my heart was being squeezed in a vice, even through an iPod. He had a soft spot for kids, and this mix proved that he could relate to them, in his own way. All the songs were a mix of him and Ness: what they'd like together. And he'd only met her once when he made this.

As I scrolled, I noticed that towards the end, the songs were all slow, lullabies in Edward's own indie-alterna-punk kind of way. Ness was still looking at me, finally silent, her eyes blinking concern as I held the little machine in my hands.

"Why you sad, mama?"

And for the millionth time in twenty-four hours, there were tears in my eyes.

I couldn't figure out how to answer Ness' question. Instead, I turned out her light and crawled into her bed, pulling her down with me. I smiled as I handed one of the ear buds to her, and wrapped an arm around her as I put the other into my own ear. She kissed me on the cheek and smiled a little too, finally calm, and closed her eyes.

_**Music, to auditory tolerance**_

_One more little one_

_I'll go down, stay down_

_Sleep the rest of the day_

_Dream new music to calm down_

_Stay down and keep evil away_

_I can hear you asleep_

_Changing your shape_

_Dissolved in some dream_

_As a new one appears_

Ness snuggled into my side and sighed in sudden half sleep, and I held her closer, letting my tears fall into her curling hair, letting her little body weight me down and keep me from floating away. The sweater was gone, the itch was soothed; I was empty and happy and lighter than air, full of the heartbreak and static and pain of being alive. And I had hope that _this_ wasn't it; that there was more to life than I ever thought there could be; and that I'd only had a glimpse.

As I faded into warm sleep, thinking of dimly lit rooms and long limbs and the scruff of a jaw so close to my lips, a shadow fell across my eyelids, and I knew that Jake was standing in the door of Ness' room. I didn't open my eyes and I held my breath, wondering if he saw the iPod or earbuds, silently hoping he'd just walk away. And he did. The hall light went out, and I heard footsteps softly padding up to the third floor. I sighed and the smell of Ness' blueberry toothpaste-breath mixed with the smell of sunshine and musk and I was back in his arms, pressed against his chest. I held Ness closer to make sure she weighed down my body while Edward swept my consciousness away.

xXxXx

"Bells, it's Rose." Jacob's voice was rough with sleep, and he stuffed my cell into my half opened fist as I pried my eyelids open. His hair was standing at odd angles, his eyes nearly closed as he held the headboard on Ness' bed for balance as he pulled himself back to his feet.

"You left it in the bedroom. She's called twice. I figure she's just gonna keep trying," he explained, as he turned to go back to our room and back to sleep.

"Thanks," I mumbled, trying to lift myself out of the bed without waking Ness.

"Rose?"

"_Sorry I bailed on you Friday, Bell."_

"What time is it?" There was no clock in Ness' room.

"_Oh, shit. It's just about seven. I didn't even notice."_

"I'm going back to bed," I groaned.

"_No, this is good! Sneak away, come get brunch."_

"Brunch? It's hardly breakfast." But half-formed memories of arms and legs and shining copper hair in orange sunlight floated up from my subconscious, and a little pink iPod lay next to Ness' pillow. I needed to talk to someone, badly. "Okay. But you come to me."

"_That place by your house? Fifteen minutes_?" Rosalie chirped. Her excitement was almost palpable, and I was curious.

"Make it twenty," I whined a bit melodramatically. But as I hurried to get dressed in something clean and comfortable, I knew I'd be there quicker than that. Finally, I'd be able to talk this all out.

I left the house and the morning was bright and dewy; the sun was still too low on the horizon to heat the air around me, and the damp breeze was cool enough to raise goose bumps on my skin. It was a sure sign that summer was finally waning. The streets were empty, houses still closed up, porch lights still lit. The bar at the little café where I was meeting Rose was dotted with older men reading their Sunday papers, sipping their coffee. A few dazed and slightly dirty servers hung onto the walls, still half-asleep and hung over from the night before.

Rosalie sat at a table near the wall, every shining gold hair in place, wearing a pressed linen top and a little flowered skirt. When she spotted me, she smiled brightly and nearly jumped to her feet. I saw one of the waiters startle at her quick movement and I almost giggled. Rosalie might as well have been a peacock for all that she fit in here.

"You're looking chipper, Rose."

Rosalie shrugged her shoulders and tried her damndest not to smile. It came off more as a half smile, and you can imagine who that reminded me of. I'm guessing the memory of his lips did something to my own expression.

"You're looking kind of pleased, yourself." She grinned, her eyebrows raised.

I shrugged right back. I didn't know where to begin. So I decided to start with Rose.

"Emmett?" I asked, and at the sound of his name, Rosalie immediately stopped trying not to smile. Her straight white teeth shined in the light coming in from the storefront, her blue eyes twinkled.

"We talked for hours last night," she gushed as I took my seat.

"The last time you and I spoke, you hated his guts."

"Well, it's been a while."

"It's been four days," I corrected.

A waiter came by and filled my mug with coffee without even asking and dropped a menu on the table in front of me. I shoved it aside; I didn't need it.

"When I got off my shift Friday morning, he was there," Rose explained, starting right in. "Emmett was waiting by the entrance with coffee from the Wawa across the street, a Tasty Kake Koffee Kake and a chocolate foil-covered rose on a plastic stem."

"The guy's quite a charmer," I mumbled, adding cream and sugar to my coffee, praying that it didn't taste like dirt.

"Exactly, right? But he said that guys were probably hitting on me every day, and that after all of those people trying to impress me, he just wanted to do something that showed that he'd been thinking. That he thought I was different. And he thought that after working all night, I could probably use some coffee and some breakfast. And the rose just reminded him of me."

"Overly sweet and artificial?" I quipped. He'd practically used my own words, line for line. Unfortunately, I knew her well, and Rose had apparently bought it, hook, line and sinker. If I could have kicked myself, I would have.

"Hey! It was thoughtful. I have no idea how he knew when my shift was over, though. Maybe someone new in reception." That was my fault too. I was about to say something, but Rose kept right on talking.

"I always walk home mornings, but he offered me a ride, to make up for the last one, he said. His Jeep still stunk like tortoise piss, and he said he hadn't gotten the pee smell out because it reminded him of me."

I had to give it to Emmett, he'd paid close attention to our conversation. He must have seen how I reacted when he said that stuff about his Jeep smelling like Rose. He was good; a little too good. It made me nervous for her.

"And he asked if we could stop at his place, because he had something he wanted me to give to Nessie." _And_ he was using Ness. The asshole.

"Rose -"

"And his house! Oh my god, Bell, it's beautiful! It's this completely restored Victorian duplex. And he practically lives right in my neighborhood!" I knew it was over the minute she saw the house. "So, I asked for a tour, and he offered to make some good coffee, cause the Wawa shit tasted like, well, shit," she explained, giggling. "We sat on the porch swing – he has a porch swing, just like I always wanted. What kind of single guy has a porch swing?"

"Emmett?" I offered and Rose smiled.

_The kind of guy that wants to land a girl, at any cost._

"We talked, just _talked,_ forever. For hours. And well, you know football is his life, and you know how I feel about the Eagles. But he's also into cars, just like me, and -"

"Since when are you into cars?" I interrupted.

"Hey, I am!"

I snorted and took a sip of my coffee. It wasn't bad. The waiter came by and took our orders. Of course, since he was a man, he drooled a little over Rose, but she didn't notice enough to even purposefully ignore him.

"And he wants a girl," she continued after the waiter left with his tail between his legs. "Like, _one_ girl, or woman, or whatever. 'The one', he said. He's looking for _the one_!"

I tried to remember mentioning to Emmett that Rose was in it for that one guy, but I didn't remember saying anything along those lines. It made him all the more diabolical and dangerous. He could really hurt her. This was going too far.

"Rosalie, he doesn't want the one, he wants _every_ one: me, you, that other girl he was seeing on Sunday, hell, probably Ness when she's of age."

"That's a shit thing to say, Bell," Rosalie growled, pushing her chair back from the table.

"Okay, I take back Ness, but I stand by everyone else."

"Do you even want to hear the rest?" she huffed, folding her arms across her chest.

"There's more?"

"Please don't hate him, Bell. This could be serious. And you're my best friend."

"I just worry that he's playing you, Rose. After Royce -"

"Emmett is nothing like that scumbag!"

I chose not to comment. Sure, there was something about the way Emmett spoke about Rose at his parents' house that made me want to help him, for a minute. But the minute was over, and I worried that Emmett was just after Rose because she was the only woman that had ever turned him down. Except me. Right. Hmm.

"We were talking and I was getting tired, and the mug slipped from my hands, and I spilled hot coffee all over myself. I was a mess. He offered to wash my scrubs."

"Oh, Rose, no!"

"It wasn't like that. I changed into one of his old Eagles Jerseys."

"I don't know if I want to hear this."

"He's renovated his third floor into one big master suite, with a fireplace and exposed brick and a bathroom with one of those enormous sunken tubs, and a glass enclosed shower, and a deck off the back. And a huge bed, of course."

"La, la, la," I chanted, and the waiter gave me a stupid look as he brought our breakfast.

"It wasn't like that. He let me take a nap while he washed my things. I just _napped_."

"You know how many women have probably enjoyed those accommodations?"

She ignored me. "And when I woke up, I was a little confused, at first. He'd just left me up there, with a glass of water and the shades closed and a little nightlight on, of all things. And it was sweet. Really sweet. I found him in the living room, and that's when he really looked at me, and it was a little more than sweet. One thing led to another…"

"You didn't!"

"Well, no. His asshole cousin walked in the front door and laughed at us."

"His cousin?" I choked.

"Yeah. Some pretty-boy in an expensive suit, grinning and chuckling like he'd frikkin' won the lottery."

"He caught you… _doing it_?"

"Jesus, Bell, what kind of a slut do you think I am? We were, whatever, we weren't doing _that_. Yet."

"Rose!"

"The jerk apologized, but I'll never forget that crooked little smirk. What the hell? We're all adults, right?"

"So that's how you met Edward."

"How do you know his cousin's name?" she asked, looking up from her eggs Benedict.

"Umm -"

"The guy's such a dead beat," she continued, not giving me a chance to answer. "He's, like, a grown man and he's living in his cousin's study. And get this: Edward's ex-girlfriend and her sister set up this whole big fundraiser for his firm, or something. His ex has an event planning business, I think. Anyway, she did all this work on his thingy, and then he went and told her _and_ her mother not to come."

I spent a couple of seconds trying to connect the dots: the fundraiser, Tanya, Katie, the mom with the accent, until something struck me. "Wait, how do you know all this?"

"His ex's sister, Katie, came by to talk to Edward about it. To try to get him to change his mind."

"And all four of you chatted about it?" I may have just met Edward, but I knew him a little better than that. He'd never air his dirty laundry with Rose, probably not even with Emmett.

Rose looked sheepish. "He was talking about it with Katie on the back porch, and I was checking on my scrubs in the laundry room. It was all so _Days of Our Lives_, I got pulled in, and I listened a little longer than I should have." But Rose's sheepishness was quickly replaced with something more tough and self-righteous. "But, can you imagine the balls that asshole must have?"

I coughed and took a sip of water. Balls, indeed.

"He spent five years with some chick, then walked out on her, then told her not to come to the thing she put together, for him! Some men, huh?"

"Huh." It was all I could find the will to say. I felt awful for Edward, and surprisingly jealous, and I was trying hard not to jump down Rose's throat. This was not the way I wanted to bring up my feelings with her.

"How do you know him?" she asked innocently, between bites of her runny eggs. "Was he at the barbecue?"

"Yeah," I agreed, tucking into my omelet.

"You're pretty quiet all of the sudden. Am I forgiven for finally liking a guy?"

"Uh huh." I took another sip of coffee.

"Bell, what is it?"

"Nothing," I sighed.

"You obviously haven't enrolled in those lying classes yet." She laughed a little and it smarted. I had another sudden flash of jealousy. How come Rose could just jump into something with some idiot that was probably playing games just to get into her pants? And where did she get off talking that way about Edward?

I felt my jaw clenching as I swallowed my food, and waves of irrational anger began pouring out of me, threatening to pull me under. I gripped my utensils for dear life, feeling certain that this must be how Ness felt right before she threw a tantrum.

"Bell, talk to me." Rose leaned over the table and tried to grab my hand, but I pulled it away. Unfortunately, I pulled the fork with it, and was rewarded with a grease stain on my lap.

"Eh-dward." I hopelessly rubbed at the stain with a napkin. My skirt was probably ruined. My anger was threatening to turn to tears. And I didn't want to cry again.

At first Rose didn't understand. "Wha -?" But I watched as the realization dawned and her eyes widened. "Holy fucking shit!" The waiter across the room jumped again, the old men at the bar peered over their papers. "Get the fuck out! Eh-dward? Edward. Fuck! Of course."

I took a sip of my water.

"Well, that makes your little problem a lot easier, don't you think? He's a dick, Bell. Fantasy over – right?"

"He's not a dick, Rose."

"Did you hear what I just told you?"

"You don't know the whole story." I tried to stay calm.

"Oh, but he explained it all while you palmed his balls?"

"No." I sighed again, and tried to find the right place to start. "I met his ex, and her mom. They can't be at his fundraiser. They'd ruin everything. He's put his life into this organization." Edward hadn't told me that part, I knew it from his interview with the Inquirer. Stupid Google search.

"Wait. I'm a little lost here. What have you been keeping from me, Bell?"

"Edward is my patient, _and_ he was at the barbecue. Ness and I gave him a ride home when you and Emmett stranded him. And… he's my lawyer."

"You're serious?"

"Jake found him. I didn't even know he was a lawyer. But he's the best family law attorney in the city."

A knowing smile spread over Rosalie's face. "And that would make you Erin Brokovich, wouldn't it? Here you are, preaching to me, and you're going after your patient, and your lawyer, all rolled into one."

"It's not like that. He just got out of a relationship, and I have a boyfriend!" Seriously, someone had to start thinking about Jake. "And he's _not_ a dick. He probably laughed when he saw you guys because we had this bet about you and Emmett. We thought I won, but when he walked in on you, well, really he won the bet after all. And he didn't even say anything to me. See, he really is nice."

I took a few deep breaths after my little speech. I thought it should have changed everything, but when I looked back at Rose, she was pissed, to say the least.

"Isabella Swan! First of all, I'm going to momentarily forget that you were betting with one of your patients about my sex life. But don't worry; I'll get back to that gem a little later. Secondly: Do you hear yourself? This has got to be one of the most convoluted doctor patient relationships that I've ever heard about. This isn't you, Bell. You don't do shit like this. What would an ethics panel say about this? Any of it?"

She was right. Forget that happy little bubble from before that I'd been floating around in. My feet hit the ground. I'd been fooling myself.

"Rosalie, this guy's different."

"But you're not, Bell. I don't want to see you screw everything up for a fantasy. You should find a new lawyer."

"I don't want to."

"You know what that means, then. Doctor/patient, attorney/client. Listen, I made this mistake before. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying that you should learn from what I've done wrong. You've got too much on the line here."

And Rose was right, and Edward was right. He walked away. I'd made a fool of myself.

Rose paused and tried to grab my hand again. This time I let her. "So, girl's night?" she asked, trying to act all carefree in an attempt to change the subject.

"I can't this week. Jake's going fishing with my dad and Billy. I've got to watch Ness."

"But Alice has everything planned!"

"Alice?"

"Emmett's sister. I know you guys have met. She practically talks about you and Nessie nonstop. It's almost like she's in love with you two."

Somehow, I wasn't surprised that Alice was also over Emmett's house Friday night.

"What exactly does Alice have planned?"

"A spa night. She even has Vanessa booked for a mani-pedi and a haircut. She worked it out so we all kind of cycle through watching Nessie, while the rest of us get all primped for the beach."

"The beach?"

"You know: next weekend, Cape May?"

"_You're_ going, Rose?"

"Emmett asked me."

"Right. Of course." I tried not to let that information make me bitter. I should be happy for her. Maybe Emmett was sincere. Maybe. But something was off about the timing for all of this. I was trying to figure out when Alice had made these plans, when my phone buzzed.

It was a text from Jake asking me to bring him home some coffee; a subtle hint that maybe I should get going. I was quiet as we settled the bill and I picked up a coffee to go at the counter.

"Bell, we're okay, right?" Rose asked, as we stepped out onto the hot sidewalk. I'd only been inside the café a little over an hour and the morning was already sizzling. August in the city was getting annoying. It would be nice to get to the shore, and it would be great to have all that hands on help with Ness. With Alice and Esme around, it would almost be like a vacation. And I'd have the chance to see Rose and Emmett in action, to see if he could keep his eyes and hands from roving.

"Sure, Rose. Some things are just hard to hear."

"We look out for each other, right?"

"We do," I said, as I hugged her good bye. I had a crazy week coming up, and I knew I wouldn't have much time to talk with Rose until Friday. Dr. Cullen had agreed to look into electronic charting, on the condition that I was the one to spearhead the entire process. And I hadn't even started getting Ness ready for pre-school. With the beach taking up three weekend days, that shopping was going to have to get done before Labor Day.

"Friday then?" I asked.

"I'll see you Friday, Bell."

I breathed a sigh of relief as I left Rose climbing into her car. (Yeah, right, she was all about cars. She drove a black BMW, and I'd never heard her whisper a word about it.) I had a ten-minute walk back to the house, and I needed the time to think.

On some level, I knew that what Rose was saying was true. That was no lawyer client interview yesterday. I'd been through those before with my first attorney. I hadn't held Lydia's hand and rested my head on her shoulder, I didn't tell her how I felt about being pregnant, and I never alluded to myself role-playing in an X-rated cowgirl fantasy. And I never felt as safe with her as I did with Edward.

Truthfully, I didn't know what the hell had happened in my office. It was comfortable and peaceful, and completely stimulating, all at once. And it ended with my lawyer telling me he 'liked me, liked me,' and walking out on me. It ended with him kneeling on the ground and talking to my baby like she was the most precious thing in the world, but not even being able to look at me. It ended with my prescription falling out of his back pocket.

He'd been carrying it with him.

The little paper was folded and re-folded and a little worn around the edges, and I picked it up off the floor and sent Ness downstairs. I sat down in the chair he'd sat in, the chair I'd been sitting in each night, and I opened my laptop, and clicked on the folder where I kept his video. I knew more about the application of civil law and vicarious liability to custody cases than any layperson should. I unfolded the little paper, and I glanced at the frozen image of Edward on the screen, his large hands grasping the lectern – the same large hands that had just been holding me as he let me let go of my past. You could see the hint of his biceps even through his suit jacket, and all I wanted was to crawl into those arms and lay there. Give me days; I'd take days.

And I wanted to let him know what he'd done: he'd made me happy. So, I'd added another bullet to his list:

_**Letting go (thank you for that)**_

But I guess he'd known what I wasn't willing to admit; that all of those feelings were misplaced. And now I was afraid of what his walking out like that meant, afraid he'd fire me, afraid I'd never see him again. He'd asked to be my friend, he told me there could never be more than that, even before he was my lawyer. Rose and Emmett had given me an in, and I intended to take the one opportunity I had to let him know that I got it. Friends. Right.

Friends. Keep telling yourself that, Bella. Friends.

xXxXx

"Bella, we need to talk."

My stomach sank into my toes. Jake was sitting in the living room, waiting with a half eaten bagel in his hands. I didn't want to talk. I'd already been through too much with Rose. "Where's Ness?"

"Where else? Tormenting Jess and Jonah. Jess is taking them to a movie."

I flopped down on the couch and curled my legs underneath myself, handing Jake his coffee without another word. I looked down at my bloated belly, full of omelet, thick cut turkey bacon, orange juice and discord. Even though Rose's straight talk had my feet replanted firmly on solid ground, my head was still floating a little. I wanted to lie down.

"I've kind of been an ass," Jake said, as I felt his black eyes trying to meet mine.

"What?"

"I'm jealous that he gets to help, and I don't."

I smiled a little. That was easy. How I felt, deep inside; that was the hard part, the part that embarrassed me, the part I wasn't ready to let Jake know. "You help every day. You helped more than I could ever repay."

"I didn't help you for a hand-out, Bella. I never asked to be paid back."

And it struck me hard and fast, like lightening. All these years, had I been paying him back?

"And that's a good thing. With everything you've done for Ness and me, you'd cost about ten times what I'm paying my lawyer. I couldn't afford that shit."

"Your lawyer," he laughed bitterly.

"Don't start in with Edward, Jake. He's done nothing wrong. He just wants to help."

"Why?" he growled. I finally glanced up and saw the hostile challenge in my boyfriend's eyes.

"It's not what you think." _He walked away from me_. "I helped him." _He couldn't even look at me._ "And it's his job." _I'd made a fool of myself._

"Is that really what you think?"

I nodded my head, afraid my voice would break if I admitted out loud that Edward didn't want me that way, afraid my internal voice would get mixed up with the things I'd spoken out loud.

Jake smirked. "Sometimes you're naïve, Bells, you know that? How come you don't think men want you? How come you don't know how sexy and beautiful you are?"

I shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his dark eyes.

"Listen, Bells, I understand that all of this crap with James is going to mess with both our heads. But I don't want James to come between us. Things haven't been the same ever since Victoria stopped by your work, and I get it, but it doesn't have to be like that. We're facing this situation together."

Jake had scooted closer on the couch, and he rested his large hand on my thigh. I felt what he wanted in the tension of his limbs and the pressure of his fingertips. It had been over a week, a long time, even for us.

"The movie's not over until three," he murmured, his lips brushing the top of my head.

"Jake…"

"Bells…" He brushed my hair to the side, and I felt his lips against my neck, and his hand inched higher up my leg, his other hand knotted in my hair. All I could think about was how stupid I'd been. Because even now, I wanted Edward, even after he'd walked out on me. I wanted him so badly, and it was so wrong.

Jake misread the way my breathing changed and moved his hand to my breast. He untangled his hand from my hair, and wrapped his arm around me, holding me close, pushing me down. And I felt warm, and secure, and safe. Until yesterday, I'd never felt safer with anyone. One afternoon shouldn't have changed things so completely. But it did. And I took Rose's advice, and I pretended: that they were _his_ arms, _his_ lips, _his _hands, the subtle zip of _his_ fly, and I pressed my eyes closed, and pressed my body against his.

Afterwards, my cheeks were damp, and Jake's arms were still around me, his hands digging uncomfortably into my back as we lay sprawled over the couch. I could feel each hot breath against my neck, as he kept his face buried in my hair next to my head.

"Did you always 'like me, like me'?" I whispered.

"What?" he chuckled breathlessly.

"Did you… sorry, forget it."

Jake picked his head up to look into my eyes, holding my face in his hands. "Bells, I've always loved you. Like breathing, I just did it; it was instinctual. And I always admired you, looked up to you. From the way you kicked out your feet to swing by yourself when I was in kindergarten, to the way you'd jump off those cliffs into the strait in high school, more gutsy than any of those other dudes you were hanging out with. You were strong and fearless and I couldn't get enough."

"I wasn't fearless when you found me in Seattle."

"You were still fearless, and thickheaded," he laughed, tracing the outline of my cheek with his fingertip. "You always thought you could do it on your own. And sometimes, you can't."

I looked over Jake's shoulder, feeling tired and trapped and used. There was no tingle, there was no fire, and my happiness had faded to a jangly dream-like memory. Jake was saying all the right things, but it didn't have the same effect those two little words had on me the night before.

All Edward had said was, "I do." And how did the possibility that Edward might 'like me, like me,' mean more to me than a lifetime of love? And the weight of how wrong I was pressed on top of me along with Jake, until I was struggling for breath. I was wrong. But I needed my lawyer, and I needed to tell him I was sorry, and I needed to try being right.

xXxXx

I was sitting in my office, in the chair. Ness was asleep, and Jake was downstairs. I held a business card in my hand. He'd said I could call anytime, but I couldn't trust my voice. I could just hear the way I would babble and I'd probably say something equally as dumb as last night.

**B: You won the bet. Emmett is diabolical.**

I sat still, waiting, my foot tapping impatiently against the floorboards. Cars passed by outside the window, a couple strolled down the street pushing a baby carriage. I noticed that it was time I dusted the bookshelves.

**E: Thank fucking christ you don't use text speak.**

I jumped a little in my seat and my heart began pounding, like getting a text was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. My fingers shook just a little as I texted him back. Four words:

**B: You owe me lunch.**

My heart kept up its unlikely rhythm as I held my breath, waiting.

**E: I can't.**

And my heart stopped and my stomach dropped. Those two words meant a million times more than my four. Everything I did was inappropriate, and he knew it. I was a hair's breadth away from losing my lawyer.

**B: We should talk.**

Time stood still.

**E: About your case?**

I tried not to get angry, I tried not to let anything Rose said about Edward influence my emotions. He wasn't _exactly_ being an ass. He was just trying to be professional, while I was making it impossible for him. But I wanted to make myself clear.

**B: Remember what you said about our un-date when I dropped you off at Emmett's?**

There was a longer pause this time. The seconds ticked by and I considered calling him. I rubbed my hands over my thighs and rehearsed what I would say. But my phone buzzed, and I didn't have to call.

**E: Yes.**

**B: Ditto, then. I know what I'm capable of.**

**E: And you like my company, a lot?**

He remembered the conversation, all right. He remembered word for word. And I sighed and relaxed in the chair. Maybe this would work.

**B: :) ****I do.**

**E: Text speak creeping in. Watch yourself.**

**B: A :) ****is not text speak.**

**E: Same difference.**

**B: Anyway, right now, I'm fucked.**

It was the last reason he'd given for not asking me out on a date. I was using his words right back at him. There was another long pause, and I wondered if he got it. I felt the same way he did, I think. I couldn't deny how I felt when I was with him, but I knew there was no way we could have a relationship. Hell, forget a relationship, we couldn't even have a date.

**E: I wish I'd heard you say that.**

That reply was … surprising.

**B: Have lunch with me.**

**E: You forgot the last part of my closing argument.**

**B: ?**

**E: And Jake's a lucky man.**

Edward was so good, better than I was. Jake and Edward deserved one another. Too bad they weren't gay. They were both better than I was.

**B: So, not a date? **

**E: In court most of the week. Thursday?**

**B: I only have 30 min. for lunch.**

**E: I'll pick you up at noon.**

**B: ttyl**

I giggled, waiting.

**E: Don't ruin it now, B.**

**B: Night, E.**

**E: Night.**

xXxXx

The door was already open by the time I walked around to the passenger side of the car. He was wearing sunglasses, and I shuddered at the sight of his long limbs and broad shoulders in a suit, the way his chest subtly strained against his shirt, the way his hair was always a beautiful mess. It took some serious courage to climb into his car.

Edward smiled. God, he was gorgeous. "Thirty minutes?" His voice was full of regret, I was sure of it.

"That's all I've got. Sorry."

"Not a problem." He drove away too fast, only slowing for stops signs, racing to beat yellow lights. His smile was irrepressible, and I watched with wonder as he easily shifted gears. His hand gripped the gearshift, so close to my knee, and I ached, and I wondered if I could make this right.

"I thought you'd have a sports car," I mumbled as he pulled onto Kelly Drive.

"Why?" He looked almost like a little boy, proudly breaking the rules.

_Because you drive one in my dreams._ I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it would be out of character."

"Not entirely," he laughed a little self-consciously, revving the engine and peeling out as a stoplight light turned green. "It's an undercover sports car," he laughed, and I couldn't remember ever seeing him this carefree, this happy.

He turned on the stereo, and the music was shouty and loud and it was perfect.

_fire is motion. _

_work is repetition. _

_this is my document. _

_we are all all we've done. _

_we are all all we've done. _

_we are all all defenses. _

_fire is motion. _

In three minutes we were on the edge of Fairmount park, parked by the river and the bike path and flowers and geese. College kids on the crew team were rowing past, and businessmen were eating sandwiches and talking on their cells.

It was cooler here, even though it was just a few minutes from downtown. Edward rolled the windows down and a breeze blew through the car, and he passed me a plastic bag.

"Lunch." There was a hint of amusement in his voice.

I opened the bag, and unwrapped something in wax paper. It was enormous: a whole wheat roll full of shredded gray-brown stuff, covered with yellow-orange melted goop. "What's this?"

"A vegan cheese steak. It seemed fitting seeing as how I ate a real one for you." Edward's voice practically hummed with satisfaction. He was grinning from ear to ear.

"I never asked you to eat a cheese steak," I protested.

Edward shrugged and looked out his window towards the boathouses that dotted the riverbank. I shook my head and took a bite of the sandwich. It tasted like vegetable oil and yeast and onions. The fake meat was disarmingly chewy, and the fake cheese was slimy. It was awful.

I choked a little and he chuckled, and handed me a bottle of unsweetened tea.

"Were you a vegetarian when you ate that hoagie at my office?"

He shrugged his shoulders again, and turned to look at me, taking off his glasses. My heart fluttered as the sun caught the golden flecks in his green eyes.

_Remember that you're not capable either, Bella. This is not the right time._

"Not in so many words. But, for all intents and purposes, I guess I was. Or am. I don't know." He pulled a salad out of another bag, and started stabbing at it with a plastic fork.

"So you don't eat meat? Is it for ethical reasons?"

"It's complicated, maybe. Or not at all. I don't know." He chewed fast, and I felt like he was making sure not to look at me. Or maybe that's what I wanted to think.

"Would you tell me?"

He put his fork down. "You want to hear that shit?"

"I just want to understand you… as a friend and a lawyer," I quickly added.

"It might take longer than," he checked his watch, "than twenty-two minutes." And the sight of his wrist as he tugged up the edge of his shirtsleeve made my mouth water and made me dream of tugging that shirt too, right out of his pants.

"I'll take what I can get."

Edward smiled, and he looked like he did in my office when we were acting like kids: shy and excited. But the glimmer of happiness dimmed almost immediately, and I worried about what I'd asked. I held onto the sandwich in my lap, instead of his hands. But it didn't stop me from looking at those long fingers and well-manicured nails.

"Changing my diet was a way to control something, to put some order in my life. But, as a physician, I'm sure you know that already."

"I guess."

"After my mom died, my dad started drinking, again. He… let things go." And there were the words I'd written on his prescription, thrown back in my face. And the sinking feeling in my stomach grew worse. "_Everything_, he let everything go, I guess. That's when I started caring what I ate, what my room looked like. My nails. My grades had to be perfect."

"You were so young."

"I was seven. It made me feel better. Things made more sense that way."

"You've been that meticulous about your diet since you were seven?" I didn't mean to sound accusatory; I was just overwhelmed for him.

"Not entirely. There were a couple of years after my dad died where I didn't give a shit about anything. It was like I had no reason for any of that shit anymore. But my OCD tendency was the only thing that had kept me together. I would have eaten anything, I was too fucked up to care."

"What changed?"

"Alice found me. After walking out on Carlisle and Esme, they took care of me and took me back. Tanya held my hand and told me she didn't want me to die. Alice brought me stuff she knew I'd like, all the time. So, I went back to what I knew. It kept me alive the first time. So, the second time around, I gave up more… everything. I worked to keep myself healthy, to stay alive, to deserve my family. I went back to school. I tried to be perfect for them, and it almost worked."

"Almost?"

He'd been staring at the river as he spoke. But, with my question, he turned his body toward mine. He looked calm, and he smiled and it was warm. And I felt my body begin to come to life. "I found a doctor that told me I wasn't happy. And she was right."

"No one told you that before?"

"I never wanted to listen. I'd never felt good enough to think I could be… happy. I never felt close enough to it, and I never saw a reason to want it."

I knew that if there ever was a time to speak, this was it. This could go one way of the other, and I was here to make this right.

"Edward, I wanted to see you, because I want to be clear. Some of the things I said on Saturday were wrong. You… you, well… I'm so grateful to you, for the attention you've given to my case. And, _Ness_ loves you to death. We have a connection, but I'm trying not to confuse things. Please, don't hold it against me. I'm sorry."

Edward's smile became strained, and he glanced at his watch. "I need to get you back to the office."

That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. Somehow, I'd done it wrong again.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath. I watched as Edward's hands tightly gripped the steering wheel and he closed his eyes.

"What?" I asked, nervously.

"With you here, I suddenly feel the fucking need to impose rules in my car as well, otherwise there's no telling what might fucking happen."

I knew he was talking about swearing, but I didn't quite get it. Unless he was flirting again, after everything I'd just said. But it seemed much more intense than that.

"So, I can't bring anything in here that might stick to the seats?"

Edward looked across the car at me, and his eyes glittered mischievously, and the space between us sizzled to life, and I knew he was thinking about syrup and swearing, all at once. And so was I. I laughed, at first nervously, and so did he, and his laughter was deep and musical and sexy. His body shook and his hair fell into his face. We laughed side by side until my sides hurt, and a glop of slimy fake cheese fell out of what was left of my sandwich, and onto the leather seat of Edward's car.

The artificial orange stood in sharp contrast to the black seat. We both moved to wipe it away with our fingers, but I got there first. His fingers were a close second, and they closed over mine. He stopped laughing, but the smile was still there as he grasped my cheesy fingertips. I saw his Adam's apple bob as he quickly brought my fingers to his lips. So soft and wet, and he slipped his lips around the tip of my finger, all warmth and suction, and lightening erupted under my skin, and between my legs.

Before I knew it, it was over. Edward was pressing my hand into the leather of the car seat. It was almost like it didn't happen, except the cheese was gone, and my fingertip was damp, and that's not the only thing that was damp. I pressed my thighs together, and Edward shifted his weight where he sat, let my hand go, and turned on the ignition without another word. We drove the three minutes back to the office in crackling electric silence, me staring at my hand the entire time, trying to memorize the feel of his lips, the tip of his tongue.

He'd hardly touched me, but he'd touched every inch of my body all at the same time. I still felt it. And having Jake's lips touch me everywhere had never felt like that. And, in that moment, I knew they never would. I knew that as amazing and selfless as Jake had been, I'd never felt with him the way I felt sitting in this car with Edward. Sure, he was my lawyer, and neither of us was in the position to date, but that wasn't the point.

I understood what I had to do. I didn't know how I'd get the words out, but I had to. It was only fair. I'd made a decision I didn't even know I was contemplating. I had to break up with Jake.

"Thanks for lunch," I offered, as Edward pulled up alongside the curb in front of his uncle's office. My eyes were still on my hands, but they drifted to my lap, then to his lap, and I could feel myself blushing. I knew I had to get out of that car quickly.

But Edward placed his hand over my arm, and there was no way I could have moved.

"My entire family has been relentless about getting me to the shore this weekend," he said. He seemed to be talking to the steering wheel. He wasn't looking at me. "They always are, of course, but this is the first year I feel bound to turn them down."

"Don't," I breathed.

We finally looked at one another, and my soul started singing. It was one of those moments where nothing else mattered except his hand on my arm, his eyes looking into mine.

"No?" he asked, and his voice trembled in the air, reaching for me, running over me. "You can do this, then? Friends? Clients? Whatever?"

"I have no choice, do I?"

"You always have a choice." And it may have been the first time that ever occurred to me.

"Edward?"

And he reached for me with his eyes again; they held me, they brought my body to life, made it sing. And I would have been content to sit there with him, just looking. But there was something I needed to say before I left. "I don't know if he let everything go. Your father, I mean. He held on too tight, don't you think?"

Edward's smile disappeared, but his green eyes grew more intense. "You're right again, doctor."

"I'll see you this weekend?"

"Get back to work, Dr. Swan. I wouldn't want to get you in trouble with your boss."

xXxXx

When I returned to the office, Shelly handed me a message from Jake. Jess would watch Nessie until I got home from work. He had dinner plans with Paul. He'd see me when he got home.

When he got home.

So I waited. I put Ness to bed and waited with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I waited on the same spot Jake and I last had sex. It served as a reminder that what I was doing was right. I tried to tell myself that maybe there was no one to blame. Maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe this would have been the natural end of things.

But as the minutes wore on, I found it harder and harder to convince myself. Because if I'd never felt Edward's lips on my finger, I don't think I would have been waiting here on the spot where Jake's touch had done nothing but make me cry. Just thinking about Edward, it all came to life again: the need to touch him, the immediate spark when I did, the smiles, his smile and mine, and I knew it was me.

And as the minutes turned to hours, I became certain that Jake knew it too. After everything that happened this past week he was out later than I could ever remember him being.

But I waited, because it was time. Even though he'd be fishing with my dad and Billy tomorrow, even though they'd probably think I was awful and selfish. Even though everyone back in Forks would probably whisper about how I brought Jake so far from home, only to push him away. Still, I waited. I told myself that it was because I was being selfless. Now that I'd made my decision, I wanted him to be the first to know. I owed him that much.

But midnight passed, and then one, and then two. I fell asleep sometime just before three a.m. And I was woken up by a beer-smelling kiss on my forehead at five. I blinked, and Jake looked like shit. "The airport van is here," he said, slurring a little.

"Jake, what the hell?" He'd never done anything like this before.

"Do you love me, Bells?"

"Of course." Those words were true. They were easy.

"That's what I needed to here. Stay safe. I'll be back in a few days. I hate leaving you like this. Sorry about last night."

And a car horn honked outside, and I didn't have the time to break up with him. Four years would take more than four seconds to unwind. And Jake pressed his beer-y lips against mine. His lips were chapped and rough, and it wasn't the same at all. It wasn't even close. And I felt hollow and guilty, and wanted to tell him to stay and take another flight. But I didn't. I was a coward. And with a hug, Jake was gone.

xXxXx

* * *

Edward's Evolving Prescription:

**Isabella M. Swan, M.D.**

**Fairmount Family Medicine**

**2428 Fairmount Avenue**

**Philadelphia, PA 19130**

**Phone: (215) 555-5595 Fax: (215) 444-4494**

**Rx**:

Joy:

Indulgent food, in moderation,

Music, to auditory tolerance,

Family, as needed,

Procreation (or the practice thereof), always using proper precautions.

Comfortable and durable footwear.

Letting go (thank you for that)

* * *

**A/N: Ugh. I know. Who ever thought I'd write about Jake and Bella having sex? Don't hate me. Please don't stop reading! I tried to keep it vague. I did. But it needed to happen to get her to this place. The girls night at the spa might happen as an outtake. It just didn't seem to fit in here. But it's finally Friday morning! The next update will be at the Cullens' beach house on the Jersey Shore. Finally! My beta's got the week off, so sorry if there were typos everywhere... Thank you so much for each and every review! Until next week, M**


	14. Chapter 12, Pt I

**EPOV**

I was probably pushing Lauren too hard. She'd worked two Sundays in a row, and now it was Saturday, Labor Day weekend, and she was running around the office, frantically searching for her Blackberry where the caterer's number had just been stored. We were three tablecloths short.

That's right. _Three tablecloths_. Tanya was a bitch.

This wasn't Lauren's job, and fuck if it was mine, either. I had places I wanted to be, people I wanted to see. To be specific: one place, two people. But after I'd dismissed Tanya, and after Tanya barred Kate from doing any more work on the fundraiser, I was suddenly in charge of linens and silverware and servers, and the fucking list was endless. As if Lauren didn't already have enough to do. As if I wasn't already at the end of my fucking rope.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was Emmett, texting for the tenth time in four hours. I excused myself from the conference room that Lauren and I had taken over. No one minded that we were using it. It's not like anyone else in the firm was working on Labor Day weekend.

I didn't bother with pleasantries. "Emmett, if you want to leave, then leave. You have a fucking car and you know how to drive."

"That's a waste of fossil fuels, and you know it."

"What the hell are you talking about? I don't have time for your bullshit."

"Global warming isn't bullshit, Edward."

"Just cut the crap, Emmett." If this was some kind of joke, I didn't have time to fucking get it.

"I'm downstairs. We're leaving. We, as in you and me." He hung up, and I fought the urge to throw the phone against a wall. I glanced at my watch. It was already one in the afternoon. There was still an endless list of details that had to be sorted out before Tuesday night. This was the last fucking weekend I should be taking off to the beach.

But, when I thought about what I might miss, I was back in the conference room within seconds, stacking papers, shoving files into my bag, grabbing my keys, wallet, and anything else that seemed necessary and useful. Lauren stared at me like I was deranged, and truthfully, to leave this much undone, I must have been.

"My cousin's here. I've got to go," I stopped to explain. "You've got a handle on the caterer? The linens, silverware and place settings?"

"I've got them on it, Mr. Masen. Don't worry. Found my phone." She held it up as evidence.

"Keep it with you. I'll be working all weekend, and it's up to me and you now to make sure this doesn't all turn into a pile of shit."

"Uh huh," she nodded solemnly. I would have preferred a more coherent assurance, but it would have to do. I rushed towards the exit, but paused as I pulled the heavy wooden door open.

"And Lauren?"

"Mr. Masen?"

"Thanks for your work these past few weekends. You've made all the difference."

Lauren's shoulders relaxed, and her nervous twitch was replaced with a shy smile.

"Why don't you get some lunch and finish this up later?" I offered. We'd both been working since eight without a break.

"No, thanks, Mr. Masen. I'd like to get this all out of the way now, so I can go home."

Right. Generally, people liked their homes. It was a foreign concept to me, one I had to remind myself about from time to time.

"You'll be available this weekend, though? Even when you're home?"

"Yes, Mr. Masen."

I slung my bag over my shoulder, in a rush to leave before Emmett could find his way through security and make it up to the office. "Um, Mr. Masen?"

I turned back towards Lauren, holding the door open with my shoe.

"Have a nice time at the beach. It'll be good for you… to have a break."

xXxXx

"What the hell, Emmett?" I growled as I threw my bags into the back seat.

"You might not realize this, Edward, but the term 'weekend' generally includes Saturday. Rose is there by now, man. With my parents." Emmett was already sitting in the passenger seat. If he could have willed the engine to start, he would have.

"Carlisle and Esme have seen enough of your… _dates_ over the years. Two hours with Rosalie won't phase them." Emmett fidgeted like a nervous fifteen year-old. "You know, you could have gone by yourself, or driven with Rose."

"Alice has this whole girls' thing going on. I don't know, she's like kidnapped Rose, Bella, and Bella's kid."

"Alice," I muttered, and Emmett and I both fell into silence. We knew how Alice could be.

The thought of Alice and Bella together made me more nervous than I cared to admit. The things she could tell Bella were worse than embarrassing. And the fact that Alice was so close with Tanya, and now seemed to be adopting Bella, was unsettling. Bella was my client, and Tanya was the woman that was suddenly making my life a living hell. I didn't want to imagine the kind of stunt Tanya might try to pull if she met one of my clients. As it was, she was threatening to ruin my weekend… with my client.

Of course, having a weekend ruined had never really mattered before. Weekends were the two days of the week that I could work undisturbed. But as I sped down the Atlantic City Highway, mile after monotonous fucking mile, watching the minutes tick by, I wanted to fucking punch something. This weekend I was going to be buried in paperwork, constantly on the phone. Up until this morning, I'd had stupid ideas about playing with Little Bell in the water, building fucking sand castles or something.

And I wanted that. I kind of couldn't wait for that.

I wasn't even thinking about her mom. At least, not when I could stop myself. But, these past two nights, after Bella told me I should be at the beach this weekend, well, those were the times when I couldn't help thinking about her… What she would look like in a wet bathing suit. How I'd like to finally get my lips in that little hollow between her tits, before I pulled back her bikini top with my teeth, so, this time, I could wrap my lips around her tip of her tit instead of her fingertip. And how I'd slip my finger underneath the Lycra of her swimsuit bottoms, how I could also slip that material out of the way...

I was getting too excited alone in a car with Emmett. I had no fucking plans to actually act out those little fantasies, but my dick didn't seem to care about that technicality. Suddenly uncomfortable and straining against my jeans, I tried to inconspicuously rearrange myself.

But I could have whipped out my semi-hard dick, for all Emmett would have noticed. He was staring hard out the passenger side window, tapping nervously on the glass, like he was trying to break through to the other side. I tried to ignore him. I turned up the stereo. I ticked through a list of things I had to get done for Tuesday night. It didn't work.

"Em?"

He didn't hear me. I turned down the stereo and tried again. "Em!"

"Dude?"

"You think you could fucking spare the window. You're driving me fucking nuts. Rose is a big girl. She can handle a couple hours with your parents."

Emmett groaned and ran both his hands through his hair, staring up at the roof of the car. "I don't know what I'm doing here, bro. Seriously, the only reason I'm even with this chick is because of Bella. But now that I got her, I don't know where to go from here."

"Bella?"

"Yeah, the pretty doc. Don't play dumb. You know who I mean."

"Bella helped you out with Rose? That doesn't even make sense."

"I have a way of wearing women down," he laughed sinisterly. And the idea of Emmett wearing Bella down, or up, or any which way was obscene, even if that wasn't what he meant at all.

"I don't fucking want you wearing Bella down."

Emmett grinned, and looked like he was about to say something, before he shut his mouth and looked back out the window. "Dr. Isabella Swan, huh?"

"What about Bella?"

"I need to know what I'm supposed to do next." He glanced over at me, his eyes eager and desperate. I blinked. I had no idea what he was after.

"With Rose," he clarified, rubbing his hands over his eyes.

"I don't think you need my help with that one," I laughed. "You and Rose seemed to be doing fine on your own."

"That's not what I meant, asshole. I've never, you know, been in it for the long haul. I've never had, like, a serious, long-term kind of…"

"Emmett, you just met this girl."

"Doesn't matter."

"And you're fucking asking _me_ for advice?"

"I don't know. You and Tanya were together forever."

"And have you noticed that I'm living in your office, Tanya is trying to sabotage my fundraiser, Esme isn't talking to her best friend, and Alice isn't talking to hers? Would you like me to advise you how to fuck up just your life, or how to fuck up the lives of those all around you?"

"I'm seriously out of my league with this chick, Edward. And _you_ do serious. You don't fuck around. I don't know how to do that shit. Do I sleep with her? I mean, I would normally sleep with her. Or do I wait, or I don't know… do I tell her I'm not going to date other people, or is it too soon for that? What if she wants to see other people? Do I screw around too, then?"

"I don't fucking know, Emmett."

"How do you get to serious in a relationship?"

"You just stop taking it lightly, I think. But maybe she doesn't want to jump into something serious."

"Dude, I'm already there. What if she doesn't want that? Fuck. I hadn't even thought of that."

"Em, maybe you should talk to her and see where she's at, tell her how you feel. If it's too much, then it's too much. But at least you'd both would know where you stood."

I watched Emmett relax a little. He rolled his shoulders, cracked his neck and settled into his seat. "Thanks, dude. You're right. We should talk. You too, don't you think?"

"What?"

Emmett gave me a knowing look and shook his head. "You seriously don't know?"

"Know what?"

"You're hopeless, Edward. How can you give someone sound advice and have no clue when it comes to your own life? I mean, Isabella Swan, or _Bella_, as you like to call her. The pretty doc?"

"She's my fucking client, Emmett. Leave it the fuck alone."

"I'm gonna take a nap. Thanks for the advice, asshole. You should take it yourself, sometime."

xXxXx

The Cape May house had been in Esme's family for over one hundred years. It wasn't as over-the-top and ornate as some of the other architectural travesties in that little beach town, but it was imposing and well kept. The small yard was cluttered with trees that kept the house cool in the summer, and protected it from the storms that blew through in the winter. Esme, of course, had renovated the first floor, so that it was light and open. There was an enormous fireplace in the large front room, and the kitchen and dining area took up the entire back half of the house. There was a large dining table here, just like in their home in Philadelphia, waiting for the extended family Emmett and Alice were supposed to provide.

The chairs around the table were generally filled one way or another, though. Emmett had brought countless women here over the years, and Alice dragged along the odd celebrity she was trying to get into her clothing: usually some lonely thing that didn't mind spending a holiday out of the spotlight. Last year it was Taylor Swift, and after that, Esme put an age restriction on Alice's guest list. Nothing happened with Emmett, from what I hear, but it's not like he didn't try.

The second floor had originally been divided into countless tiny bedrooms, but Esme had changed that up as well. These days, there was a master suite and three other large rooms, each filled with as many twin beds as they'd hold. When I was a kid, my dad stayed in one, Alice in the other, and Emmett and I in the third.

The house was quiet when Emmett and I finally arrived. It wasn't surprising; I figured everyone was down at the beach. I spotted some plastic ponies and a dirty stuffed sheep on the ground and found myself smiling. Little Bell was here.

"Dude, let's unpack and get to the beach," Emmett said, taking the stairs two at a time. I couldn't agree more. The bag of paperwork hanging on my shoulder was feeling especially heavy, but I convinced myself that I could ignore my work for a couple of hours.

At the top of the stairs, we noticed the little signs tacked to each of the bedroom doors. I immediately recognized Esme's ornate script.

Boys

Girls

Little Girl

I had to laugh. Esme always tried to keep a proper household, despite her son. Honestly, though, did she really want Emmett fucking Rosalie in the bushes instead of a bedroom? I kept right on laughing as I threw my stuff onto one of the three twin beds in the boys' room, and pulled out my swim trunks. Emmett looked miserable, nervous and slightly peeved. "Em, I'll sleep on the couch downstairs. It's not the end of the world."

"Yeah, but what about the other guy?" Emmett nodded to the other empty bed.

"What other guy?"

"Alice's dude."

"Alice… has a _dude_?" Alice always seemed to find a date when she needed one, but I don't think she'd ever brought a guy home for the weekend. I figured it was a result of Esme's constant pressure, coupled with Alice's natural obstinance.

"J Whit. She met him a couple days ago at that diner where she likes to hang out."

"He's coming _here_?" I asked, pointing to the extra bed. "And Alice met him a couple days ago? Esme must be having a fucking fit."

"Dude, mom's probably knitting baby booties," Emmett countered.

I chuckled. "No, you're right. What's his name? What did you call him?"

"J Whit. He's some kind of -"

"Holy shit, he's that country rocker guy, right?" No wonder Alice hadn't said a thing to me. She knew how I felt about country music, especially this guy's brand of alt country crap for the hipster set. Well, this would be something.

"I think that's what she said. I don't know," Emmett muttered, surveying the beds in the room, and looking fucking pissed all over again.

"Listen, you and Rose take one room, Alice and that J dude take the other, Bella and Ness -"

"You want me to have my little sister shack up with some strange guy she just met?" Emmett interrupted. "Some rock star that's probably slept with half the girls in Texas?"

"Crap, Emm, get changed, and let's get to the beach. Who the fuck cares where we _sleep_?"

Emmett stalked off to the bathroom and I made my way downstairs just in time to hear the back door thrown open and Little Bell screaming in pain. I ran down the rest of the stairs, and raced to the back of the house. Esme and Carlisle were hovering and Rosalie was running water in the sink.

"Esme, please, just go get a clean cloth," Carlisle said in his best calm, doctorly voice. When my aunt stepped away, I could see Little Bell's wet and sandy body clinging to Bella, as Carlisle tried to pry her off.

"What the fuck happened?" It came out louder than I'd planned. Five sets of eyes turned towards me, but only two mattered, both dark brown.

"Ewoord," Little Bell whined, her big eyes full of tears.

"Baby, you've got to let go, so Carlisle and I can have a look at your forehead," Bella murmured, her attention immediately back on her daughter.

"She got knocked over by a wave," Esme explained, squeezing my arm as she walked quickly past on her way to the linen closet. "Good to see you, Edward."

"No!" Nessie whined. "I not want you to look!" She held onto her mom tighter and buried her face against Bella's chest.

"I could look, Vanessa," Rose offered.

"No! I want Ewoord to do it."

I felt Bella's eyes on me, hell, everyone was suddenly watching, but I didn't care about everyone. I tried to ignore the way Rosalie was glaring, and the way Carlisle was trying to size up the situation. Because Bella was smiling as I walked over to her and her daughter, and Nessie loosened her grip and settled onto the countertop without further protest. Her chubby cheeks were stained with tears, and there was a trickle of blood over one eye.

"Ewo-, I mean _Edward_ isn't a doctor, baby," Bella explained, pushing Nessie's curls out of the way. "But you've got three doctors here to choose from."

"Ewoord, can you look at my boo-boo?" Ness asked between dramatic sobs.

"Umm," I started, ignoring Carlisle and Rosalie's scrutiny, brushing the tears from the little girl's cheek. I didn't know what to say.

"Only if I can look too, Ness. Okay?" Bella asked. "Can Edward and mama both do it?"

"Okay," she sniffled.

"Hey," Bella breathed, really looking at me for the first time since she'd come in. I tore my attention away from Little Bell long enough to smile back, but I got caught in Bella's bright eyes, drawn in by her pretty pink lips. Her wet hair looked more black than brown, and it stuck to her shoulders and chest, and little rivulets of seawater made trails over her black bikini top, dripping from the tips of her perky tits.

"Hi," I croaked.

"You came after all. I thought, when you weren't here…"

"I had work that -"

"Dude, what's going on?" The floorboards shook as Emmett bounded into the kitchen. "Babe!"

Rosalie was a flash of blonde hair and pale skin as she rushed past us towards Emmett. Their kiss was enough to make Bella turn Nessie to face the other way, enough that Carlisle suddenly found something he needed in the refrigerator. Esme could put up all the signs she wanted, but unless she installed some titanium locks on the bedroom doors, I'd say she was shit out of luck. And I'd say that whatever Emmett's worries were about whether Rosalie wanted a serious relationship; they definitely had some common ground.

"Umm, work?" Bella asked, looking suddenly uncomfortable, and maybe a little afraid. "Like, about, anything we talked about the other -"

"No, nothing about you're case, baby. Just shi-, I mean, stuff for the fundraiser on Tuesday."

A different look lit Bella's eyes, and she bit the inside of her cheek. Carlisle was suddenly by our side again with an ice pack for Little Bell. "Glad you could finally join us this year, Edward."

Esme returned with a damp washcloth, and Bella patted Little Bell's forehead clean, wiping away the blood. Carlisle edged me out of the way, smearing some goo over the scrape, and Bella quickly followed up with a Band-aid. Truthfully, having two doctors work on that scratch was probably overkill. But once it was cleaned up, I felt relieved, finally able to smile without reservation.

But Nessie looked confused. "Mama's not a baby."

"Ness," Bella said, trying to hush her.

"You not, mama! You not a baby!"

I had no idea what Nessie was talking about. "I know your mom's not a baby, Little Bell."

"Then why you call her that? You called her a baby."

Holy fuck. I'd called Bella 'baby'? Bella's face blushed bright pink; Carlisle patted Little Bell on the shoulder and walked out the back door without another word. Esme laughed nervously, tidying an imaginary mess.

"Sorry," I offered, fighting the urge to run away, fighting the equally strong urge to try something along the lines of what Emmett had going on. Emmett pulled Rosalie out onto the front porch, and the door slammed shut behind them.

"Yeah, umm…" Bella started to say. But Little Bell interrupted her.

"I all better, Ewoord?" Nessie asked, standing on the counter, tilting her forehead in my direction.

I was happy for the distraction. I noticed that her forehead was beginning to look a little purple. But the cut was cleaned and covered, and Bella didn't look fazed, so I wasn't going to worry. "I think your mom and Carlisle have you as good as new."

"Then, I wanna go back! I wanna see Alice! I wanna go to the beach!" Ness cheered, jumping up and down.

"Baby, I think I need a break. You scared me. Do you want to take a walk, or play around the house?" Bella asked, picking Ness off the counter, and depositing her on the floor.

"No! I wanna go to the beach with Ewoord! Pa-lease, Ewoord?"

I didn't know how to say no.

"I could run around after her… if you don't mind," I offered, holding the little hand Nessie offered me. Bella sighed and smiled, shifting her weight, weighing my offer. She was wearing those same khaki cut-offs, only now I could see the way her small waist flared at her hips, the way the shorts hung just below her naval, the gentle curve of her nearly flat tummy. "You could stay here," I continued babbling, "or, umm, come and just, you know, lay on the beach or something." _And take off your shorts, and maybe jump around in the water a little._

"Yeah?" Bella asked, grabbing Nessie's other hand. And it was too good, too much, and I knew I shouldn't be there, that this was all a farce. This was Jacob's life; I was just pretending.

"To the beach, Little Bell?" I asked.

"To the beach!" she cheered, jumping up and down between us. I picked her up and swung her around, so that she was sitting on my shoulders, pretending for all I was worth.

Out in the yard, we could hear the patter of water, and I guessed Carlisle was rinsing off in the shower stall around back of the house. I couldn't tell for sure because Esme had planted bamboo and large palm-like plants all around it, so the soggy old boards were hidden from view.

Bella glanced around, searching for the source of the sound.

"A shower," I explained, nodding towards the back corner of the house.

"I didn't even see it."

"Yeah, it's camouflaged. Esme's wanted to get rid of it, but I think my uncle likes taking it all off out here," I said with a smirk. "He's its biggest advocate. So, instead of tearing it down, she's covered it all up with plants."

Bella looked a little sick with my mention of Carlisle's nudist tendencies, and I couldn't help laughing.

"Just stay away if you hear the water running."

"Definitely," Bella laughed.

"I see it! I see the beach!" Little Bell called out from on top of my shoulders. "I see'ed it first, cause I big! Not a baby, like mama."

Bella and I both fell into silence, and I tried not to feel like the world's most inappropriate asshole. _Baby_. It's something I'd called Tanya without thinking, something she'd called me back. And I didn't fucking want Bella in that category. But my mind kept moving effortlessly in that direction. And my body was betraying me, as well. Even though I wasn't looking at Bella, I could feel her, like I could feel the sun shining; I could feel the warmth and light of Bella's presence next to me. And my hand itched to take hers. Instead, I held on tighter to Little Bell's legs.

"Have you been out here before?" I asked. And Jesus fucking Christ, I sounded like I was trying to pick her up.

"Once, with Rose a couple summers back. For a day. It's weird, the houses, the beach, at first they don't seem to match, or something. You must come here all the time."

"No. Not since I was a kid."

"Really?" Bella asked. But I didn't look up, and I didn't explain myself. I wasn't getting into my shit today. Not like the other day in the car. First I'd opened myself up to her, and the next thing I knew, her fingertip was between my lips my dick was erecting a tent in my pants.

"So, work?" Bella tried again.

"Some unexpected shi-, I mean, stuff, with the fundraiser."

"Rose mentioned something about that."

My heart sunk. I fucking knew everything Rose must have said to Bella. In fact, I couldn't believe Bella was still talking to me. I didn't know what to say.

Bella filled silence. "I thought I had something to wear, but Alice brought over this gown last night. You should see it. I've never worn anything like it."

"I _will_ see it, I think." I finally hazarded a glance at Bella, and I was surprised to see that she looked almost frightened. Shit.

"That's right," she agreed in a whisper. And in a second, the air between us was inexplicably charged, again.

"If you don't want to go, I didn't mean to force you into it. There are other ways for you to -"

"No, of course I'll be there. I was serious. About doing something with… Project Legal Advocacy." She said the name of the organization like she was embarrassed. "I'm really impressed."

I was proud and satisfied, and surprised that Bella's approval meant something. The air was still alive between us, and Bella drifted sideways and closed that space as she walked, so our shoulders brushed, our arms rubbed against one another, the waistband of her shorts swished against the material of my swim trunks. I wanted to press back, to feel her against me, to wrap an arm around her, to pull her face to mine.

I paused, took a deep breath and tried to set my thoughts straight.

"Did Alice bring a tux, too?" Bringing up the kid was like a bucket of cold water over my head every time. I was able to shake off the feeling that had been building, and I relaxed as we continued walking, but I could tell something was wrong with Bella. She looked pained, and she moved away from my side. I didn't understand her reaction, what it meant.

"Alice said she'd get him a tux." It wasn't like Alice to overlook details.

"No, she did. She brought something for Jake. It's just that… he gets in Tuesday. It should be… weird."

"Jet lag?"

"Something like that."

We walked past the dunes and onto the sand and Ness started kicking her little legs against my chest and hopping up and down on my shoulders. "Put me down, Ewoord! Put me down!"

"You ready to play, Little Bell?" I asked, swinging her back down to the ground. I glanced at Bella, and she seemed grateful for the interruption.

"I _big_, Ewoord," Nessie protested before she took off in a surprisingly fast sprint towards the rough surf.

"Fuck," I cursed, taking off after her.

I heard Bella laughing behind me. "You asked for it, Ewoord."

That little kid was fearless. The waves were taller than she was, but she ran and jumped into the water belly first, no matter that she couldn't swim. She hopped and skipped and ran along the shore, she tried to swim and to float on her back. A little water down the throat, up the nose and in her eyes didn't slow her down.

She had me pick her up and walk her out past the breakers, where I spun her and tossed her around a little, and held her up so she could kick and pretend to swim for more than an hour. By the time her lips were light blue and shivering, and I was ready to fucking collapse, I knew I should get her back on land.

As I slogged towards the shore, Nessie wrapped her wet little body around me. She stuck to me like a starfish, except softer, with dripping curls and droopy eyes. Her little heart pounded so fast against my chest, her tiny breaths were warm against my neck. I didn't know that I'd ever been so close to a little kid like that, and it was sweet and scary. I concentrated on the sweet.

I scanned the beach for signs of Bella, or anyone from my family, when I was stopped in my tracks. Bella was just walking out of the water as well. I hadn't even noticed her. Her back was to me, and she was readjusting the material of her bikini bottoms over her pretty little ass. She stopped walking, her hands on her hips, water streaming from her hair, down her back. Her limbs were slender and toned, strong and feminine all at once. But, fuck, how was it possible I'd never noticed her ass before?

With her daughter in my arms, exhausted and half asleep, I had to put those thoughts aside… Until Bella turned around and I noticed the hard knots of her nipples barely restrained by the little triangles of her bikini top. Until I saw her lips upturned in a smile when she saw me, until I looked in her eyes. She had the same eyes as her daughter, and they were bright too, like when Little Bell laughed. She was beautiful and wet, and she looked happy, and she waved and started to walk in my direction.

And Alice's body collided with mine, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, sandwiching Little Bell between us, practically knocking the three of us over in the process. With Bella half naked and wet in front of me, I hadn't even noticed Alice. "Hey, Edward! There's someone I want you too meet."

"Fuck, Alice," I mumbled, trying to steady myself on the wet sand with water churning around my ankles, trying not to drop a mostly sleeping child.

"Language, big brother. Kids and boyfriends present," Alice whispered in my ear, before letting me go and bounding over to a tall blonde man covered with tatts. His hands were in his pockets and he looked like he wanted to crawl into the nearest hole. But Alice grabbed his hand and he smiled shyly at her.

"_Boyfriend_?" I asked. In about an hour this guy had gone from Alice's dude, to her boyfriend.

"Edward, this is J. And J, this is my cousin, and my best friend, and business partner, Edward." J turned his shy smile on me. His eyes were ice blue, and it struck me that he bore more than a passing resemblance to Carlisle. I couldn't wait to give Alice shit for that.

"I guess I've got to make a real good impression on you, then," J chuckled, holding out a colorful hand in my direction. His sweet-ass Southern drawl and soft voice stood in sharp contrast to the angry art on his arms. I repositioned Little Bell, who was now soundly sleeping on my shoulder, and tried to give a strong, manly shake. With a tiny girl in a pink tutu swimsuit cuddled up on me, it wasn't fucking easy.

"Rose, Emm and I are going to J's show in Philly on Monday night. You should come," Alice said, bopping on her heels like she was twelve and going to see The Jonas Brothers, or some shit. I tried to get comfortable with Little Bell again, but I wasn't used to juggling thirty-five pounds of dead weight on my shoulder.

"Uh, maybe," I allowed. Alice would have to do better than that to get me to some country music show.

"I can take her, Edward," Bella offered as she walked over to the four of us.

I carefully handed Little Bell over, and watched as Bella easily tucked her daughter's shoulder into her neck, how her arms found the perfect place to support her daughter's limp body.

"So, I guess these are your girls, then?" J asked me.

"No, uh -" Bella started, glancing at me, her cheeks pinking again, looking fucking guilty, for Christ's sake.

"This is Bella, she works with my uncle. And that's her daughter, Lit-, I mean, Vanessa," I clarified, doing my best to set everything right. My tone may have been a little harsh, but I didn't like that he'd made Bella feel badly about being here, with me.

"I see. Well, er, nice to meet you, Bella." J started acting awkward all over again, studying the sky over our heads, humming a little under his breath, looking like he wanted to run. But, seriously, who would just assume something like that?

"Edward," Alice said. "I also came down because your assistant's been calling the house phone. She says it's urgent, and she can't get in touch with you on your cell."

"Fu-, shi-, I mean, damn it. I should go. I mean, I have to," I tried to explain to Bella.

"I've got to take her back, anyway." Bella bounced Little Bell in her arms. "You really tired her out. I think she'll be down for the night. Could you bring our stuff up, Alice?"

"Of course, Bell. We'll just hang back here a while," Alice said, grabbing J's hand again, trying to make eye contact, smiling like she just won the lottery. "You go back with Edward."

I shook my head, thrown at seeing Alice swooning over a guy for the first time. Bella and I began silently re-tracing our steps from earlier in the afternoon.

"I mean, the way they looked, I just figured… " I could hear J drawl from the beach behind us.

"Whatever," Alice laughed. "Don't let Edward bother you. Hey, I'll race you." Fast footsteps over sand faded into the distance, followed by shrieks of laughter.

Bella and I trudged wordlessly back to the house. I tried to stay pre-occupied with work and whatever tragedy must have happened to make Lauren resort to searching out my relatives' phone number at the shore. But my mind was all over the fucking place lately, and it settled on the woman walking silently next to me, and the way Alice's boyfriend had assumed we were a family. They weren't my family, and I hated Jacob Black just a little bit more.

I called Lauren as soon as I made it to the house. The guest list file that Tanya had emailed over was corrupt, Lauren's computer was frozen, and she was in tears. I was no fucking good at talking women down from hysteria, and in the past I probably would have driven back to Philly and fired her ass. But, I fucking bit my tongue, tracked Kate down, and found some tech guys and a new computer for Lauren. It wasn't as easy as all that, and several hours of my life were wasted on what I could only imagine was Tanya's intentional sabotage. I was wound up and pissed, and after talking with Lauren, I knew I had hours more work ahead of me this weekend. Hours I wouldn't be spending with Jake's family. I changed into a T-shirt and track shorts, figuring a run would help calm my nerves.

By the time I made it back down the stairs, the house was dark and quiet. I filled a glass with water, and made my way out to the front porch, but paused in the doorway. Bella was sitting on a chair, alone, drinking a bottle of beer.

I paused there, watching the rise and fall of her chest. She was still wearing her bikini top, a little black number with strings connecting the triangles. I could see the beat of her pulse shaking her abdomen, her legs were spread, her feet placed firmly on the ground. She looked relaxed, tired, pretty. And I was ogling her. I had to get a hold of myself. I'd done this on purpose; she was my client, and I was being with her the only way I knew how. I had to remember that.

Bella turned and looked over her shoulder, and she jumped when she saw me. Of course she did. What the hell did I think I was doing?

"Where is everyone?" I asked, walking out onto the porch like I hadn't been doing anything wrong, like the idea of hanging out with Bella at sunset wasn't the making me sweat and smile.

"Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rose went out for drinks. But, you know, Ness is upstairs sleeping."

"Do you mind?" I asked, lowering myself into a chair.

"Are you kidding? It's your family's house, do whatever. I'm just a guest." That wasn't what I'd been asking. I was wondering if she minded staying behind while Nessie slept. But her words made me smile. Bella wasn't _just_ anything.

"You're not _just_ a guest," I laughed a little and took a sip of water.

"What makes you say that?" Bella's voice was suddenly defensive, and I didn't know how to answer her question.

"They like you… and Nessie." I watched Bella relax a bit and she took a swig of her beer, before she glanced in my direction. Her brown eyes swept quickly over me, before they settled on my face.

"You look tired." I laughed again. It wasn't exactly what I'd hoped to hear.

"Fucking stressed."

"Work?"

"Right." And there was that dead-end topic. I wasn't going to speak badly of Tanya; I wasn't going to mix up my association with these women. I drank my water in silence. Bella crossed her legs and uncrossed them. My eyes wandered.

"Do you miss it?" Bella asked, and if she meant having a woman's bare legs wrapped around my body, the answer was hell fucking yes.

"Alcohol, unwinding with a beer, when you're stressed like this?"

"Oh, uh, no. It's been forever, and that's not exactly the way I used to drink. It was a lot messier."

"But the whole ritual of it…"

"Don't try to add drinking to your prescription, doctor. I've gone that route, and ended up the opposite of happy."

Bella turned away from me, and gazed out at nothing: the trees, the streetlights, there was nothing to see. I felt irrationally bad about my answer. "There are other ways to unwind."

"What do you do?"

"Exercise. These days I mostly run. I lost my gym when I lost the condo."

And with those words, everything about her softened and she smiled.

"I heard about that. That was nice of you."

"What?"

"Sorry… Your family has surrounded me so much, these past couple weeks. I don't know what I heard. You were saying - you work out to unwind. Anything else?" And the way she turned back to me with her whole body, not just her face, looking at me like she liked what she saw, like she liked me. What the fuck was she asking?

"Nothing, besides running… lately."

Cicadas filled the humid silence. There was no breeze off the water. I watched Bella swallow. I took a long drink of cold water.

"You know, I uh… this is going to sound funny. But after we first met, I pictured you in a house like this. But, uh, you were wearing more clothes."

I almost spewed water all over myself. I choked on it, instead. "You were thinking about me, and I was covered from head to toe? I'm sure Jacob would be happy to hear that."

"I haven't mentioned it." We listened to the insects again. Bella took another sip of her beer.

"You work out," I said. It wasn't a question; it was obvious. "But not to relax?"

"My leg," she murmured, holding her scared leg out in front of me, resting her track shoe on my knee. "If I don't stretch and work the muscles they can seize up on me, the scar tissue starts to adhere. I end up limping. So, yeah, most mornings I go to the gym. Not enough, recently. My life's been… messy."

"Mine too," I whispered. I placed my hand on her foot. "Come for a run with me."

"What?"

"I've gotta go for a run, unless you want to see me fucking explode."

Bella laughed and thankfully put her foot back on the ground. "I can't. Ness."

"You'll make Esme's night if you ask her to keep an ear out." I put my glass to the side and sat on the edge of my seat. If we couldn't fuck, well, running was a very distant, second place option.

"I just drank a beer. That seems… wrong."

I moved my chair closer to hers. "I'll go easy on you."

That did it, Bella blushed and stood to her feet and was gone without another word. I heard her mounting the stairs, and she was down in another three minutes wearing a sports bra, some cut-off sweats and a mischievous grin. "Show me what you've got, Mr. Masen."

So we fucking ran. No words, just our breath and the sound of our feet. I wasn't going to push, but Bella was driven and her pace pretty much kicked the shit out of me. We came to a stop at the southernmost point of the cape, where the ocean flooded the bay and a lighthouse stood guard over it all. Bella leaned against a light post catching her breath, and I sunk down onto the sand. Bella soon followed. "A break before we go back?" she asked between breaths.

I could only nod in agreement.

"Sorry, I don't know what got into me," Bella gasped. "I haven't run on the beach since I lived back home."

"Back home, like Washington?"

"Mm hmm. Forks. It's on the Olympic Peninsula. Kind of hanging onto to the corner of the country." Now that her breathing was more even, Bella started tracing lines in the sand.

"And Jacob, too?"

Bella pressed her lips together and that look of pain I saw earlier returned. "Yep, kind of. From a little town right next to Forks, La Push. His dad is my dad's best friend. Jacob and I have known each other forever."

"Huh."

"What?" Bella asked, looking up from her drawing.

"My ex, Tanya - her mother is Esme's best friend. Or was, maybe. They haven't spoken since the barbecue."

"Shit. God, that's awful." Bella seemed to take it personally. She hung her head and began tapping her toes against the sand nervously. "Was it hard, breaking up with her? Or is that too personal?"

"It's right up there with back-to-back detox and chemo. It was brutal, and it never seems to end. It's like I'm still going through it."

"Jacob's with my dad right now, out in a cabin somewhere."

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want to pry. I said the next thing to pop into my head. "There's a picture of you in your office, when you were maybe twelve. You're on a beach with these big cliffs."

Bella glanced at me and smiled. "That's first beach, by my dad's house. That's where I ran."

"I can't fucking believe you grew up someplace like that. I don't know, it's like another world, so different from all of this. But you seem to fit here, in Philly. At least it seems like you do."

"I do. I mean, I didn't go back after residency, you know. I said it was because of Little Bell. Didn't want to upset her life; this was all she ever knew. And it was because of James too, maybe, although I never said that out loud. But it was more than that. Now that James is here, its like he came to my home. It really feels like my home. Just recently, I think."

"I'd like to see you back there, though. To see you in person on a beach like that."

"Yeah?" Bella smiled and looked back at the sand, and I'm pretty sure she blushed, but it was dark and I couldn't be sure.

"I don't know," I mumbled, picking up a stick and throwing it towards the surf.

"You say that a lot: I don't know."

I shrugged. "It's a defense mechanism, like swearing. At least that's what the shrinks all say."

"Hmm. I think if I had a defense mechanism, it would be not to say anything, to just get quiet."

"But you're not quiet."

"Not with you. I've never felt the need to defend myself, I guess."

I let that statement hang in the air for a moment. She should want to defend herself around me. Here I was threatening to fuck up her life the way I'd fucked up my own, all while I told her I was here to help. But the more I thought about it, the more I was sure that she'd been defending herself, in her own way. "You let your hair hang over your eyes, a little. Or you look at your feet. Sometimes, you bite the inside of your cheek, or your lip too, but not as much."

"Maybe the hair thing is defensive," Bella agreed. But with her hair tied back in a ponytail, she couldn't demonstrate. "But not the other stuff. That's… different."

"How?"

"It just is. Trust me." Bella stood to her feet and tried to brush the sand off her body. But it was hopeless. Fucking sand. That shit was a nightmare for someone like me. I'd be finding grains of it in the car for the next month. "I should get back," Bella continued. "Esme's been sweet, but I can't have her babysit all night. I'm already imposing by sleeping in her house and eating her food."

But as I stood up, Bella stopped breathing and froze in her spot. I watched the blood drain from her face. Her hand reached for mine and she clutched it tight, not the way I'd been dreaming of her touching me. Like she was scared for her life.

"What? Bella, what is it?"

She took a deep breath and her eyes scanned a clutch of pine trees just beyond the dunes. "Nothing, I guess. I thought I saw something."

"James?" I let go of her hand and took a few steps towards the trees. But I didn't see anything except shadows, nothing moving but branches. "I should go look."

"Don't leave," she choked, and the fear in her voice was almost too much to bear. "It was nothing, I've just been seeing things, lately."

"James?"

"His creepy sister, Victoria. She's the one that told me James was moving here."

"Has she done something to you? Has she threatened you, hurt you?" I grabbed Bella's hand again, looking her over like I might find some evidence of foul play.

"No, nothing like that. I see what you're thinking, Edward. There's nothing you can do about Victoria. Unless you can get a restraining order for being bitchy."

"We'll see about that," I growled. I made a mental note to call Jenks in the morning to see what he could dig up about Mr. Hunter's sister.

We jogged back to the house at an easy pace. I kept a half step behind Bella, so I could keep an eye on her, like I was some secret service agent or something. But I was looking out for more than her safety. I couldn't help noticing the way her skin almost glowed in the moonlight, the way the little wisps of hair that had fallen out of her ponytail brushed against her neck, the way her cut-offs were hanging on her hips like her shorts had. And don't even get me started about her ass. With each breeze, I could smell the flowers on her skin, and as I watched perspiration bead along her neckline, I wondered if it would taste sweet, like she smelled, or salty, or both.

Esme was sleeping on the couch with a book in her lap when we got back. Bella hung behind while I woke my aunt up. She smiled sleepily at Bella and me as she got to her feet, and kissed the top of my head as I hugged her good night. It was something Esme did often in the hospital when we thought I was dying, something I could sometimes sense her still longing to do, yet something she hadn't done since then, when I was nineteen.

Esme shuffled out of the room, quickly making her way up the stairs. Bella and I followed wordlessly, the pressure of saying good night to one another looming in the darkness around us. The door to the master suite clicked shut as we made it to the second floor landing. And that's not all we heard. Bella and I avoided one another's eyes, and I turned to make a hasty retreat back down the stairs.

Bella caught me by the back of my T-shirt, stopping my before I could get too far. "There are three beds in Ness' room," she said with a shrug.

"Oh, uh, no. I can sleep downstairs."

"I'm just saying there's a bed for you to sleep in. Just sleep."

The serious look in her eyes let me know that she meant what she said. As if it were that easy; as if I could just lie down at eleven p.m. and go to sleep, in a room, with Bella. Right.

"I'm gonna run to the restroom. You have until I get back to decide," she said, as she loosened her hair from her ponytail, and let it fall over her face. She laughed a little and I smiled, and she left me standing on the stairs.

I was downstairs washing my face and swishing water around my mouth, and back upstairs in less time then it took most men to unhook a bra. I waited by Ness' room, trying to ignore the soft moans and rhythmic rustling of sheets that drifted into the hall from the other bedrooms.

Bella didn't meet my eyes as she quietly closed the bathroom door and tiptoed down the hall. She hadn't changed, but I was sure her stuff was in one of the..._occupied_ rooms, just like mine was.

"You coming in?" she asked, staring at the doorknob.

I laughed under my breath. Why the hell else would I be waiting there? To listen to my cousins fuck?

"Be quiet, then, okay? I don't want to wake Ness."

"Right. Sure."

"And I call the top bunk," Bella giggled, climbing into the bed over where Ness slept. I settled into the little twin bed on the other side of the room. I had no idea what I was doing. I lied on my back, staring at the ceiling, sneaking glances in Bella's general direction, but I couldn't see anything because my eyes hadn't adjusted yet.

"Edward?" Bella whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"Are you kidding? I just laid down."

"I like your family."

"They like you, too."

"Ness likes them. It feels good to have family around. I never had anything like this growing up. It was just my dad and me."

_And Jacob_, I added silently. Motherfucker.

"You don't have any brothers or sisters?" she asked.

"No, but Alice and Emmett, they might as well be."

"That's nice."

Well fell into silence, and there was so much I was suddenly dying to say. That being with the Cullens had never stopped me from feeling alone, always. That it never made me feel like I actually belonged with them. That I never let them in, and that I let them love me, but never deserved it. The fact that I wanted to say those things made me feel slightly sick and excited. Tanya fucking knew all of that, but I never had to say that shit out loud. She'd just been there firsthand; it had made it easier. And the fact that Tanya popped into my head again, in conjunction with Bella, made me close my eyes and try some of those deep breathing exercises my therapists had pushed over the years.

Something knocked to the ground in the room next door, and an unfamiliar feminine giggle echoed through the wall. Bella sighed and her bed creaked as she shifted on her mattress.

"Were you ever scared of the dark as a kid?" Bella asked.

The question took me off guard. "Of course."

"Of what?"

"How come you have the uncanny ability to ask such loaded questions?"

"Sorry." Her voice was small, apologetic.

"No, it's not your fault that I'm fucked. Seriously, you want to know this?"

"I don't know…" and I knew she was asking about ghosts or some crap like that… but something inside me wanted to tell her the truth, exactly what was on my mind. Something made me open my mouth. Just like that first day in her office, she brought the shit out of me.

"I was scared of my dad coming home wasted, scared of what he would break, if he'd fall down and I'd have to do something to help him. I'd lay awake, holding my breath, scared. And after I left, I slept in these falling down cracked out houses, and I was fucking terrified. I hardly slept at all. But I preferred that, in a way, because I was scared about things, and people that I didn't care about. I could forget what was happening to my dad."

Bella was silent, and I spent the next few minutes hating myself for trying to get her to pity me, or whatever the hell I'd been doing. Something thudded against the wall, then again, then again. Fuck. I kicked the wall with my foot, and there was silence.

"Anything ever scare you?" I asked Bella.

She sighed. "Besides James?" Her laughter was bitter, and it died quickly. "Vampires."

"What?" I asked louder than I intended.

Bella quickly shushed me, and then continued in a whisper. "I was always scared one was going to climb through my window when I was a kid."

"That's ridiculous," I laughed back. And then I remembered that book she had on the bookshelf in her office, and I couldn't help but laugh harder.

"What? I was a kid. You shouldn't laugh."

But I couldn't stop myself. "It's just that you seem to feel differently… about vampires… these days," I choked out between chuckles.

And in an instant, Bella knew what I was laughing about. I heard her catch her breath, and in another second, a pillow hit me in the face.

"Good night, Edward."

"Night, Bella."

It took some time for me to quiet down, and even longer for Bella's breathing to go even and soft, meeting Little Bell's breaths in an arrhythmic counterpoint, that made music just the same.

But I'm no fucking saint. I quietly snuck out of the room and made my way back to the bathroom on the first floor. I had too much on my mind for my dick to calmly and chastely handle. Her tits: fuck if they weren't the two most perfect things in the world. Her ass in a bikini. Shit. The way she panted after our run. The smell of her sweat, the way it looked dripping down the back of her neck. And how she'd laughed, and how she was embarrassed, and how when I told her about her defenses, I realized that I knew her better than I thought.

And when I was done, I spent a few minutes wandering around the first floor. Looking at pictures of the happy family, pouring another glass of water. But lurking alone in a house full of people fucking seemed creepy, even for me. And truthfully, there was one place I wanted to be, whether or not I'd be able to sleep. She said she wanted me there, so I walked quietly back up the stairs.

I slipped into the bed across from Bella and her daughter, laughing under my breath, because they were both snoring. And I closed my eyes, and just listened to the crickets, and the sound of the waves, and to Bella and Little Ness sighing in their sleep. And before I knew it…

xXxXx

"Ewoord!"

I was woken up by the worst fucking pain in the entire world. I groaned and curled into a fetal position, and tried not to throw Little Bell on the ground. She had the deadliest knees, ever.

"Ewoord! You sleeped here! You sleeped here!"

* * *

**A/N: I planned on getting through the whole weekend in this past chapter, but it got way too long. I'm going to try to finish it up this week, since it's mostly written. But no promises. **

**Anyway, I know these two are frustrating, but they're cute. And I don't think there's any denying where this is going... it's just a matter of how they get there. Please review... it will make my Monday. M**


	15. Chapter 12, Pt II

**EPOV**

"_Ewoord!"_

_I was woken up by the worst fucking pain in the entire world. I groaned and curled into a fetal position, and tried not to throw Little Bell on the ground. She had the deadliest knees, ever._

"_Ewoord! You sleeped here! You sleeped here!"_

I opened my eyes to see two enormous brown eyes framed by impossibly long lashes, just centimeters away from my face. Her curls were all over the place, her cheeks pink, her little hands pressed against my chest, her knee still pressed in the wrong fucking spot.

"Yep, uh…" I pushed Little Bell backwards and leaned up on my elbows, reminding myself that the pain would fucking fade, and that she had no idea what she'd done. I wasn't sure what surprised me the most: the abrupt way I'd been woken up, or the fact that I'd been sleeping in the first place. I blinked, trying to focus through the tears.

"You hurt?"

"A little," I groaned.

"Mama a doctor. She can get you mecidine."

I glanced up at the top bunk across the room. Bella's back was to us, her long brown hair fanned out around her head, her back rising and falling evenly.

I liked the idea of Bella treating my aching balls, and couldn't help grinning at the thought, but I decided a better idea would be to let her sleep. If this was how she was woken up each morning, then she could probably use a break. Not to mention, that after my first full night's sleep in fucking forever, I felt I owed her something.

"How about we let your mama sleep? You want to help me make her some breakfast?"

"Yes!" Ness scurried off my lap and started jumping up and down on the bed. "Yes! Yes!"

"Shh, Little Bell. Quiet," I hushed, grabbing her little hands and trying to calm her down. She took it as an invitation for a hug, and threw her arms around me.

"Cause mama a baby?" she asked, snuggled up against my chest.

I prayed she let that go before they went back home to Jake. "Because we're letting her sleep."

"Right," she giggled. "I forgetted."

I took her hand and led her out of the room and down the hall as quietly as possible. Nessie practiced skipping the entire way, her tongue peaking out the corner of her mouth, and then she showed me how she could go down the stairs sideways.

Once in the kitchen I set her on a bench, and started pulling eggs and vegetables out of the refrigerator, deciding a frittata would be big enough to feed everyone. But I went back for a second round of ingredients after I considered Emmett's appetite.

Nessie, however, was not the kind of girl that was content to sit in place. In the time I'd been in the refrigerator, she'd climbed onto the counter and began pouring all of Esme's dried herbs into a big mixing bowl. "Nessie!"

Little Bell smiled and pressed her ear to her shoulder and held her hands behind her back. "I helpin', right?"

"Umm… not exactly." After considering knives, salmonella and third degree burns, I settled on putting her to work mixing the dry ingredients for pancakes, and I kept her directly in my line of vision. I looked quickly through Esme and Carlisle's CDs for something to listen to while we cooked. Luckily, amidst CD after CD of smooth jazz, there was one disc that piqued my interest. I pressed play, made sure the volume was turned low, and went to work.

"This not on my pink music," Nessie commented, concentrating intently her mixing duties.

"You're right. It's not."

"Can you put this song on there?" she asked, sneaking a glance at me.

"You like it?"

Nessie stopped stirring and stared at me, looking gravely serious. "It's bootiful, Ewoord."

"It's my mom," I whispered, returning my focus to the vegetables in front of me. It was a piece she taught me before she died. Chopin.

"_She_ playin' this music?"

"She did. She played the piano. Really well." I'd started chopping an onion, but it wasn't the only reason I had tears in my eyes. Nessie fell silent, and I tried to get a grip. I hadn't planned this Lifetime TV moment, but there it fucking was. I couldn't ignore the vague memories of my mom and me waking up early on Sunday to make a big breakfast together. She'd always let me mix the pancake batter, and I guess now, I knew why. It was something a little kid could do without hurting themselves: post mortem evidence that she'd cared.

"And is Car-isle your daddy?" Ness asked, breaking the silence.

"No, close. He's my uncle."

"Oh." She paused to think. "Where your daddy is?"

"Well, uh, my dad died a long time ago." I dropped the onions and potatoes into a hot pan, then moved between the pan and Nessie, just to be safe.

"When you were a little boy?" she asked, taking a seat on the countertop, placing the mixing bowl between her legs, kicking her feet against the cabinets.

"Not so little, but little enough. And no banging, okay? People are sleeping."

Nessie stopped moving her legs, but it seemed to take a lot of effort. "Maybe it's okay if your daddy died, if you had two daddies."

"Well, Carlisle almost _is_ another daddy."

"I don't have a daddy, eiver. I have a Jake. He's like a daddy, but he's not."

My breath caught in my throat and I held it there, not sure how to respond. More than anything, I was struck by how sweet she was, trying to relate. "You like Jake, though, right?"

"Yeah. He's kind of… really cool. He comes to get me at my bus, and I help him cook dinner for mama and we go'ed to baseball games togever."

I couldn't say I'd classify the kid as cool, let alone 'really cool', but I was happy to hear that they seemed to have a good relationship. Little Bell deserved a good dad.

"Jonah says Jake's my daddy cause he sleeps in the bed with mama. But he not, and Jonah maked me mad."

I tried not to get sidetracked by the idea of Bella and Jake sharing a bed. It was a foul fucking image and I beat the wet ingredients a little harder than necessary. Nessie's big brown eyes were waiting for a reply.

"Sometimes, even if it's not your actual daddy, the people that stand in, like Jake, are better."

"Is Car-isle better?" Nessie asked, pushing the mixing bowl towards me, so that I could pour in the contents of my bowl into hers.

"Definitely. He's a really good dad."

"Morning Vanessa, Edward."

Little Bell and I both jumped. I glanced over my shoulder to see my uncle grinning like a fucking Cheshire cat. No, that wasn't the kind of shit I said to his face, but he had to know after all these years.

Ness hid herself against my chest, giggling and shy in front of my uncle. Carlisle didn't say another word. He simply turned up the volume on the stereo and set to work making a fruit salad and toasting some bread. Esme soon followed, and Nessie jumped at the chance to help her make coffee. Literally jumped, almost off the countertop. Luckily, I caught her just in time.

Rosalie and Emmett came down next, Rosalie laughing as she tried to pry Emmett's hands from her body. But she became much more serious when she saw the audience that awaited her in the kitchen.

"Good morning, Dr. Cullen, Mrs. Cullen. Edward," she said, swatting Emmett away. The way she said my name, you'd think I killed her dog.

Emmett sat down at the table and tried to pull Rosalie into his lap, but she somehow managed to get her ass into a chair of her own. I chuckled to myself as Esme breathed an obvious sigh of relief. According to Alice, a couple of years ago, one of Emmett's dates actually straddled him at the dining room table.

"Hey, Vanessa, why don't you come hang out of here?" Rose asked, patting the seat next to her. "Emmett has something for you."

"No, it okay. I makin' dinner."

"Breakfast," Esme corrected.

"I forgetted," Nessie giggled, carefully pouring water into the coffee maker.

Rosalie pulled something out of Emmett's back pocket and made her way into the kitchen. "Look, Vanessa, your very own little Eagles jersey!" I rolled my eyes at Emmett and he shrugged his shoulders in response, looking more than a little pleased with himself. He played pro for three years and was still milking it for all it was worth.

"Oh. Thanks," Nessie replied. Not bothering to fake interest, she placed the gift on the counter next to her and got quickly back to work with the coffee. I don't think it was the reaction Rosalie was counting on. She turned her attention to my aunt.

"Can I help with anything, Mrs. Cullen?"

"Not a thing dear, I think we have it all covered. Edward and Nessie did most of the work before I even made it downstairs."

"Oh, that's… nice. Huh. So, umm, where's Bella?" Rosalie asked, and I could feel her eyes on the back of my head.

"Bella's sleeping in," I offered, as I opened the oven to check on the frittata.

"You tired her out?" Emmett chuckled a little too loud.

And aside from the sound of my mother playing Chopin's Piano Concerto #1, the kitchen was suddenly silent. When I glanced up from the oven, Carlisle was studying me carefully, and Rosalie was glowering in my direction. The irony was not fucking lost on me that Bella and I were probably the only two adults in the house to keep their clothes on last night.

"Sometimes you're not fucking funny, Emmett," I muttered.

"What? You two went jogging together last night, didn't you?" Emmett explained, in mock indignation. "You all have dirty minds."

"She was sleeping when Little-, when Nessie, woke me up this morning," I informed Rose. It was all the explanation she was owed. She could do with it what she would.

"Well, it's so nice that we can give her the chance," Esme cut in judiciously, as she placed two cups of orange juice in Rosalie's hands and pushed her towards the table. "I remember when Alice and Emmett were Nessie's age. Sleep was a hard commodity to come by."

Actually, even childless and single, sleep could be elusive. But in that room with Bella and Little Bell, something had been different. I could lie down and close my eyes and enjoy stillness and peace that never came to me otherwise. It felt good to lie there, relaxed and excited all at once, eager for the next day. And now, the next day had come, and it was good.

I excused myself, ran upstairs and thankfully found the 'boy's room' unoccupied. I pulled the little paper out of the pocket in my bag where I'd kept it carefully hidden, and smiled as I read the messy handwriting. I would never have been here if Bella hadn't written this. Instead of this weekend, I'd have a home and a girlfriend and a complete wardrobe and a gym to work out in, and I wouldn't have to deal with the fundraiser falling apart before my eyes. But, somehow, I didn't give a shit. Those things weren't on this list. And I could feel a hint of what it might feel like to truly let go, and it felt fucking phenomenal. I was getting closer. I took a deep breath, and took out a pen, and jotted another bullet point to the bottom of the prescription.

Sleep (thank you for that)

I was pretty sure I was right about sleep being part of the equation, because I felt practically buoyant, even after the tears, the talk about Jacob, and Rosalie's snide comments. And on my way back down the hall, I slipped the paper under the door marked 'Little Girl'.

xXxXx

Alice was practically tugging J into the dining room when I came back down the stairs. He addressed Carlisle and Esme as sir and ma'am in a whisper-soft voice, and besides that, he mostly kept his eyes lowered in palpable misery.

When I noticed his wide, sheepish smile whenever he looked at Alice, and the way he tried to secretly hold her hand under the table, I found myself liking J, despite myself. I wasn't the only one that took to him, either. Little Bell plunked herself down in the chair between J and I, and stretched out her finger to trace a flaming confederate flag on his forearm.

"Why you color on yourself?"

"Lots of different reasons, little darlin," J drawled.

"Why you drawed this one?" J began a very quiet story under his breath that held Little Bell spellbound. Alice rubbed his other arm as he spoke, and across the table, Emmett and Rosalie bent their heads together, softy laughing. And it was nice, and it felt right. Bella walked into the dining room, and her eyes caught mine, and she smiled, and clutched something in the pocket of her sundress. She was beautiful: fresh-faced with hair tumbling around her shoulders, wearing a black linen sundress, barefoot. It was a good morning.

"Mama!" Nessie cheered, running over to her. "You waked up!"

"I worried when I woke up and you weren't there, Ness."

"I maked breakfast with Ewoord."

"I had a feeling it was something like that."

Bella mouthed thank you, her eyes on mine, as she picked Little Bell off the floor and kissed the top of her head. Breakfast was eaten and Esme beamed with satisfaction. Bella, Carlisle and Rosalie sat to one side and talked medicine, something about Western blot versus PCR in the diagnosis of Lyme disease. Bella knew more about the subject then the other two doctors, and rattled off the names of exclusive labs in California where the most advanced testing was performed. Listening to Bella talk about statistics and studies with easy confidence reminded me of the first day I met her, how I was struck by her brilliance and humor and grace. Now that I knew her better, it was hard not to be awed as I listened to her speak.

"Earth to Edward." Alice nudged me, grinning.

My face grew warm and I turned my attention to Alice. "Pixie?"

"Pixie?" J chuckled.

"Edward," Alice whined.

"Pixie, that's sweet," J said, clutching Alice's hand. I saw him move his leg and would have bet money they were playing fucking footsie.

"You are not allowed to call me that!"

"Now, why not, Pixie?" Alice blushed this time, pressing her lips together, trying not to smile.

"See what you've done?" Alice asked me.

I knew exactly what I'd done. Alice hated being called pixie. I smiled at my cousin and she narrowed her eyes in mock anger. "You were asking?"

"Are you coming down to the beach with us?"

I could sense Bella's eyes on me from across the table. "No, I have work. Losing Lauren's computer… we have to start from scratch on cases, on the fundraiser."

"Well, don't shut yourself up all day, Edward. It's a rare treat to have you here. And I wouldn't want you to waist your vacation time in this stuffy house," Esme added. She squeezed my shoulder as she walked past on her way to the kitchen with some plates.

"Yeah, not to mention the view outside is awesome." Emmett laughed and subtly nodded in Bella's direction. I kicked him under the table.

xXxXx

After that, my day went quickly down the toilet. Catch-up is the least of what Lauren and I were tasked with. The band that was booked for the fundraiser cancelled sometime last night while I slept. Lauren was on the other end of the line talking bravely about how her cousin was a DJ for kids' parties and I worked to keep my voice down.

"No DJs, Lauren. That's ridiculous."

"How are we supposed to get another band in two days? Do you know someone?"

And, unless I wanted Philadelphia's high society waltzing to some washed up hardcore band or another, the answer was a resounding 'no'.

"Fuck."

"Should I call my cousin?"

Emmett walked into the room and I excused myself from the call without answering. I'd be damned before I had some pimply kid from the suburbs playing the electric slide for my funders.

"Let me fucking guess, Emmett. You're here to interrupt my work."

Emmett grinned and threw himself onto one of the twin beds. It creaked and shuddered under his weight. "I'm bringing Rose on Tuesday."

"Are you sure you want to commit to Tuesday? That's two days away," I teased.

"I was serious about that shit I told you in the car. I'm in this for good with Rose, man." And I knew he was, and I was happy for him. "You bringing anyone?" he asked.

I laughed. "Besides my new ulcer? No."

"What about -?" And my eyes met Emmett's and he ate his words. "I always fucking forget. Am I the only one that thinks that's messed up? Anyway, are you coming down to the beach?"

"Yeah, I need to get away from this shit. It's fucking killing me."

Five minutes later, I was walking along the shoreline with Emmett, looking for the Cullen's outpost on the beach, trying to shake my growing anger at Tanya for making my life hell. Trying not to think that I had this shit coming. It was almost cool on the edge of the ocean, and the swift wind made the sand feel like pinpricks against my shins. The first thing I saw was Bella. She was wet and stretched out on a beach chair, still, possibly asleep.

"Are those the best pair of mom tits you've ever seen, or what?" Emmett asked under his breath.

"Aren't you here with someone," I growled, certain Emmett wasn't talking about Esme.

"Rose isn't a mom, yet. Give me a few months and I'll get on it. But moms, they've got… nipplage, and Bella's tits, man -"

"Say another word, Emmett. Go ahead. Try it. I'm in no fucking mood."

"And dude, her _ass_ -"

I dove at Emmett, knocking him into the water, something of a feat, considering he probably had a hundred pounds on me. I locked my arms around his neck and put all of my weight on his chest, but within seconds, I was flipped over, my face in the sand. I could hear his laughter, even underwater, and I braced my legs against the shore, and pushed for all I was worth, until Emmett lost his balance again, and I could jump on his back, and push his face into the breakers.

We struggled, Emmett laughing the whole time, only making me angrier, until I was so tired that it took too much energy to care, and we both sat our asses on the shoreline, panting and laughing, resting on our elbows. I was covered head-to-toe in sand.

"I'm serious, Emm."

"You always are, you dipshit," he laughed.

"About Bella."

"I know."

I sighed, tired of his innuendo. "I'm serious about not wanting you to say that kind of shit about her. I don't want you even looking at her in the first place," I clarified.

"And why exactly do you care what I do, if that's the only thing you're serious about?"

"She's a good person, she's been through a lot. I don't fucking know."

Emmett paused and glanced over his shoulder at the blanket. "You ever do it with a mom?"

"Just when I think you're listening."

"I haven't, at least I don't think so. Do you think it's different? Like maybe there's a little more… _give_ or something?"

"Fuck you, Emmett."

"I'm not talking about Bella, necessarily."

I was about to shove Emmett back into the water, when Alice squeezed between the two of us and plopped down into a non-existent space in the sand. "So? What do you guys think?" she asked, nodding back toward our family.

"About?" Emmett asked.

"J's, uh, well he's sweet, Alice," I said. Alice smiled and wrapped her arm around my waist.

"It means a lot to me that you like him."

All three of us looked over our shoulders at the Cullens. J was sitting cross-legged and Little Bell was tracing the artwork on his bicep. His head was bent as he spoke to her, and she was laughing again. My chest hurt.

"She's only into him for his body art, big brother. Her heart still belongs to you."

I laughed and shook my head, and tried to look unfazed as I leaned back on my elbows and gazed out at the horizon. Rosalie began walking over to us, and Emmett jumped up and chased her into the water, tackled her, pulling her under. Alice snorted, and turned her attention back to me. I knew there was a conversation brewing inside her little head, one that I didn't want to have. "J's got some crazy ink on his arms, Alice. Esme's gonna be pissed when it mars the wedding photos."

"Oh my god! You can't say anything like that to him, okay? He's nervous enough around you guys already."

"The fact that he's a bundle of nerves this morning makes me like him even more, Little Sis. You've known him less than a week, and by the sounds of it, he fucked you silly under your parent's roof. He's lucky Carlisle's opposed to guns."

Alice was silent, she had no comeback, and it wasn't like her. She could usually take anything I dished out. "It wasn't like that," she almost whispered. And there was something just under the surface, waiting to be said, waiting to be addressed, but instead, Alice snapped out of it and the pixie was back.

"How are things with you? With the benefit?" she asked.

"Fucked. The band pulled out. Now why do you think a band would pull out, last minute, like that?"

"You don't know that Tanya had anything to do with it."

"Do you? Have you spoken to her?"

"She won't talk to me."

"Maybe it has something to do with the way you ditched her the minute you found a couple new friends."

"God, Edward! First you blame Tanya for all of your problems, and then you're blaming me for abandoning her. I'm just getting to know Rose and Bella because they're gonna be in our lives for a while. I really like Bella and there's no rule that says I can't be her friend." Alice sighed and focused her attention on Rosalie and Emmett making out in the water. Thankfully, the sea was cloudy today. "Rose, well, I have a feeling it's best to be on her good side."

"What do you mean, she's going to be in our lives for a while?"

"Who? Rosalie or Bella?"

Alice grinned. I didn't answer.

"She works with dad. I'm working with her daughter."

"And that's all you were trying to say?" I hated when Alice played games. Coupled with her other gifts, it could be especially annoying.

"What do you mean?" she asked batting her eyelashes and crossing her legs in front of her.

"You know what I fucking mean, Alice. Don't play all innocent with me."

"Listen, Edward, it doesn't take any kind of intuition on my part to see how that woman's good for you."

"You think I don't know that? That, with her around, my whole life can fall apart and it feels right. That I can actually begin to imagine... I don't know, having a real fucking life, or something. But, what about her? She _has_ a fucking life. She's got a boyfriend that's ready to kill for her, who's good to Little Bell. She doesn't need me around. In fact, she'd be better off that way."

"Can you seriously say that?"

I didn't get a chance to answer, but it's not like I would have anyway. J came over and sat next to Alice, careful to keep about half a foot between the two of them. Alice quickly scooted closer, and I watched J smile, his eyes on the sand. Alice's finger traced the same bicep Little Bell had been touching just minutes ago, her lips found his shoulder. "You know, Edward, if you need a band, I uh, happen to know this amazing singer/songwriter. He plays guitar, and he's got a back-up band."

Hell fucking no. There was no way I was turning the benefit into some country hoedown. J looked between Alice and me and swallowed nervously. "What's this about?"

"Edward has a charity for homeless kids. He's got a fundraiser Tuesday, and the band just backed out." Alice batted her eyelashes, her lips traveled to J's neck.

"It's not exactly a country music venue, Alice."

J pulled away from Alice, and held her hand in a way that put some space between them again. "Hold on a second, Edward. I'm free Tuesday, and I'm sure I could draft some of the guys. We don't have to play country. I grew up playing in the church, and I went to conservatory after high school. I told you I wanted to make a good impression, and I kind of ruined that in a couple different ways."

"I don't know."

"Oh, Edward, please. It would be perfect."

And seeing Alice hugging the guy, practically bouncing up and down as she begged, I found it nearly impossible to say no.

"Could you call the other guys, then? See if they'd agree to it? It doesn't pay anything, and it's going to be a pretty… reserved crowd. I don't know what you guys would get out of it."

"I'd get my girl's family's approval, and my buddies would get a happier version of me to deal with. I'll call. I'm sure we can work something out."

I breathed a sigh, and Alice curled up against J's bare chest, lazily running her fingers over the vine-covered red pick-up inked across his ribs. Their feet tangled, and a wave washed up to their knees. I was cautiously relieved and lonely and I glanced back at the blanket where I'd spotted Bella earlier. But, something was wrong. There was something in the way Bella was holding herself, the way her attention was focused on something down the beach, the way she instinctively grabbed for Nessie. Alice was talking again, saying something silly and sweet, but I wasn't listening.

I stood to my feet at the same time Bella did, trying to figure out what held her attention. I looked down the beach, but saw nothing but people: laying, playing, swimming, walking. Nothing seemed off, but Bella was searching frantically for something, and when she saw me, she began tugging Little Bell in my direction. I met her halfway, leaving Alice and J to catch up on their own.

"What is it?"

"Take her, please." Little Bell held up her hands and I scooped her into my arms. Bella turned to go without another word.

"Bella!" I grabbed her arm, stopping her. Her eyes had that same edge of fear I'd seen in her office last weekend, that same shattered light poured out of them, warning me and making me want to hold her and help her all at once. "What is it?"

Alice came up besides Bella and me, looking back and forth between the two of us, silent for once.

"Okay," Bella said, too fucking calmly. "Alice, could you take Ness?"

"No, I no wanna -"

"Vanessa! Stay here with Alice. This is not up for debate!"

Nessie was immediately quiet, and as I handed her off to Alice, she clung to my cousin's neck. Bella grabbed my hand. "You really want to hear this shit?" she asked, using the same words I used, well, _every time_ she asked me a question.

I squeezed Bella's hand, and she walked us down the beach. It would have been nice to pretend we were just walking hand in hand, like some lazy couple in love and on vacation. But there was tension in Bella's fingertips, and pissed off determination in each of her steps.

"What's going on?"

Bella wouldn't look at me.

"Victoria."

It was an answer to my question, and an address, all in one. We'd stopped in front of a long, skinny woman that looked like she was in need of a bath and a hairbrush. She was pale in a way that looked unhealthy, and her red hair was curling wildly around her head in knotted clumps. She had black leather bracelets up one arm, and black beaded bracelets down the other, and was lounging on a green beach chair. Her eyes were shaded with sunglasses that seemed to take up half her face. I'd bet a thousand dollars I could find track marks between her toes.

"Isabella. Funny meeting you here."

"What the fuck are you doing, Victoria?" Bella seemed to grow taller with each word she spoke. She was frightened and fierce all at once, and her muscles were tensed, as if she was ready to attack.

"Who's the guy?" Victoria asked, tipping her glasses so there was no barrier between me and her bloodshot hazel eyes.

Bella shuddered and dropped my hand, but she clenched her jaw, and didn't back down. I curled my fingers into a tight fist, suddenly sick to my stomach because I'd been caught holding Bella's hand at the wrong fucking time.

"You didn't answer _my_ question, Victoria," Bella challenged, her voice low. And I stood there like an idiot, like a kid caught doing something wrong. Fuck.

"I'm enjoying my Labor Day, Isabella. The same as you." The redhead's eyes lingered on my chest.

"Here? On _this _beach? I thought you were in New York."

"New York beaches are shit. New York men are… lacking." She sat up, her eyes still glued to me.

"Stay out of my life, Victoria. You have no business here. And tell your brother to do the same."

"You're the one that marched over to me, Isabella. I was having a lovely afternoon until you interrupted me. I _am_ glad to see that you've expanding your horizons, though. That boy you cheated on James with was so… juvenile."

Bella took a step backwards and gasped. That was fucking it; I was tired of Bella getting shit because of my presence, because I couldn't stay the fuck away from her.

"Lady, I don't know who the_ fuck_ you think you are, but as Ms. Swan's attorney, I'd consider packing your bags and leaving this beach, without another word and without looking back. Unless you'd like to see yourself charged with stalking, harassment and invasion of privacy. Do you want to see how long it takes me to make that happen? We could time it, I have a stopwatch function on my cell."

"Your _attorney_, Isabella? How cozy. How yummy."

I took a step towards Victoria, and my shadow loomed over her. I'd never wanted to hit a woman more in my life. "Did I make myself clear?"

"It's _clear_ that she's got a new savior and that Isabella is… versatile. You're so different, from what was his name… James? No, not James, that was my brother. Jason? No, that wasn't it either…J, J- "

That's when Bella darted past me, her fist raised, but I caught her arm before she made impact. Thankfully. I wasn't a criminal attorney. "Stay away from me, Victoria! Stay the hell away from my daughter and me! I just want to be left alone."

"Not completely alone," Victoria purred, her eyes on me again. And it took every fucking ounce of willpower that I could find not to pick up where I'd stopped Bella. But Victoria stood up, and folded her chair. I was proud of Bella as she held her ground, alone and strong, each of her scars showing silver in the sun, and we watched Victoria walk back towards the dunes.

"Fucking shit," I muttered.

"You're fucking telling me," Bella murmured back, defiant. And it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard her say, and I knew that reaction was wrong for about fifty different reasons, but I couldn't help grabbing her hand again. She gripped it back.

"What does this mean?" she asked.

"I've already got Jenks on it. I called him about her this morning. We'll deal with her."

But when I glanced at Bella, she was looking at our hands instead of at Victoria's retreating figure.

"That I fucked with your case," I said, grim reality sneaking in under the adrenaline and the electric warmth of Bella's touch.

"But I still want you."

"I'm glad." And I fucking was.

xXxXx

"Dr. Swan, is everything all right here?"

Carlisle approached us from behind, and Bella and I, still holding hands, got tangled in one another's arms as we tried to turn to face him. Carlisle's gaze went from Bella's face, to our hands, and I was the one to let Bella go this time.

Bella's fierce demeanor disintegrated and she leaned against me for support. "Sure, um, Carlisle. It's a long story, but, uh… she's gone." She looked at her toes and let her hair hang in front of her face.

"Is this a matter for the authorities?"

Bella glanced up at me, and her eyes were pleading with me to say no. I understood immediately. I'd been embarrassed around the Cullens more times than I cared to remember. I could only imagine how she'd feel as Esme fussed over tea, Alice offered unsolicited hugs, and Carlisle kept a close eye on the proceedings while Bella told her story in detail to a pair of cops from the beach patrol. But it had to be done. If Victoria was following Bella, we needed all the evidence we could get.

"Carlisle, can you keep the family away from the house for the next hour or so? Could you all keep an eye on Nessie? Bella and I would like to handle this alone."

Carlisle's eyes narrowed. "I could go back to the house with Bella."

"I'm her attorney."

He sighed and smiled, and the good-natured doctor was back. "Yes, you are. Certainly. We won't bother you."

xXxXx

Police officers can be assholes, especially when they feel they're wasting their precious time in your presence. They listened absently to Bella's story, and only conceded to write up a report after I'd fucking informed them that it was their duty. It was frustrating and maddening, and I could tell that as the minutes ticked by with those dispassionate douche bags shaking their heads and raising their eyebrows, Bella felt more and more helpless. They left us with copies of our reports, and with business cards, but with no illusion that they would keep an eye out for Bella or Nessie, no indication that they would monitor Victoria.

After the cops left without looking back, after the patrol car pulled away from the curb, I took Bella in my arms without hesitation. I pressed her face to my chest and held her tight. She kept her arms curled in front of her, a tense little ball of sadness and anxiety. I rested my chin on her head, and then my cheek, and I whispered about how strong she'd been on the beach, about how much she fucking blew me away at every turn.

She lifted her head to look at me, and her lips parted. "A run? Please? Or I'll explode."

I tried not to laugh, because I hadn't been considering a run. At all. Because I was an asshole. Because I'd just thrown a giant wrench into her case and now I wanted to wreck her home life too. I dropped my arms. "Of course."

She stepped backwards and my body missed hers.

"Let me text Alice, she's got Ness."

Five minutes later we were dressed and running. The deep blue of the sky drowned in the dark blue of the ocean at the horizon, seagulls searched the empty beach for scraps of leftover lunches, couples walked their dogs, and teenagers huddled on benches.

We didn't look at one another, and I might as well have been running alone except for the sound of her breath in the wet air and her scent mixed with the sea breeze. It reminded me of Thailand: how they floated flowers out into the sea. The soft sound of her footsteps, like the lapping of waves, hitting the sand over and over and over, in a steady, mind-numbing, dizzying pace.

"Race you to the lifeguard stand?" Bella gasped. And before I could agree, she broke into a sprint, and I had to run to catch up. I still beat her easily. I didn't fucking let girls win. Bella was about a second behind me, and she nearly collided against the rough wooden legs of the stand, gasping for air, laughing. Her smile was easy and natural, and I felt relieved.

"You won," Bella gasped, her hands on her knees. Of course I fucking won. I climbed onto the lifeguard stand and held out my hand. She took it without hesitation, and climbed up next to me. The sun was setting behind us, and the water and sky met at a black line on the horizon. The ocean was calm, shimmering in the slanting light, and it was chilly up on our wooden perch.

Bella pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around herself. I resisted the urge to do the same. But it was warm where my side touched hers and I settled into that feeling. I was aware of every breath, every movement, every time my body rubbed against her.

"How come every time we talk, it's so serious?" she asked.

"Habit?"

"I wish it wasn't." There was a hint of sadness in her voice and I could tell the high from the run was wearing off. "Sometimes I see you laughing with Ness, and I'm jealous."

"What?" I looked at her, smiling, but her eyes were on the horizon.

"I feel like everything's coming apart at the seams, Edward. I tried so hard, I _try_ so hard, each day: to make a good, healthy life for Ness and me. But it's like it's all unraveling, and I don't know what's right, or… or..."

I knew she was talking about Victoria and James, but it felt more personal, and all I could hear in her words was that I should go, that I wasn't supposed to be here. She belonged with my family more than I ever would.

"Bella, I get what it feels like to -"

"No, Edward, no. Don't assume you know what _this_ feels like. I feel threatened, and my life is in complete turmoil. And it's all happening in front of my boss and his family."

"I don't know. I -"

Bella huffed and shook her head, shutting me up. "You always hint about how you're so messed up. Like that's supposed to keep me away, or it's supposed to bring me closer. But instead, I don't know what to think. You know that?"

"I don't know."

"And then you do that: you finish it all up by saying 'I don't know'. Could you just say it, already? Say something different. Say what you think."

"I think you're upset, and maybe embarrassed. But, fuck, Bella don't be. Who am I to fucking judge? Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No, I don't. You're either a lawyer, or a vegetarian anarchist, or a health nut, and a cancer survivor and a humanitarian that acts like he hates everyone around him, except Ness and… and… So would you tell me who I'm talking to? Please. Tell me about you."

It was all I'd ever wanted to do since I'd met her. I had a million excuses to turn her down, to climb down off the lifeguard stand and walk away. But I was selfish, and there was a restless feeling just under my skin, and I wanted her to understand me.

"Bella, I'm… I don't know… Sorry. I didn't mean to say that. It's just… I don't know where to start." I sighed, the decision made.

"I saw a picture of you and your mom. At Esme's." She glanced at me and quickly looked back at her feet.

"I hardly remember my mother. I remember the way she played piano. She was a concert pianist. I don't remember a time before I would sit on the bench, playing with her. We were a lot alike. When I try to picture her, sometimes I see myself."

I fell silent, remembering the little things: how she liked yellow M&M's, and how she would let me drink coffee when dad wasn't looking, and how I'd sleep with her hairbrush because it smelled like her

"And she died," I muttered.

"When you were -"

"Seven," Bella and I said at the same time. "I didn't understand what happened, just that she was gone. Her smell started to fade from the house. I tried to put it in a jar. And my dad lost it, or held on too tight, however you look at it, it was fucked. He was a drunk, but after he met my mom, he stopped. After she was gone, he picked up right where he left off. And after that, he just ignored me, mostly. There was no blood and guts abuse; it was more subtle: no food, no heat, no new clothes. Every so often I'd provoke him, I guess. That's when he'd hit me, that's when he looked at me."

"But what about Esme and Carlisle?"

"They suspected things were… off, but it's not like I had bruises. And if I had, I would have hidden them. The Cullens were perfect, rich, and led easy lives filled with everything I wanted. I fucking hated them.

"I left home, for the most part, when I was twelve. I'd been taking care of myself already, and it was easier not to see him. I was a self-righteous prick; so sure I was right when everyone else was fucking wrong. I was going to tear down everything and rebuild it. I'd see Alice or Tanya every once in a while. Philly's not that big, and when you're a kid into a certain scene, you cross paths."

"You've known her that long? Tanya?"

"Forever."

"Is it really over between you two?" Bella looked at me now, her brown eyes wide, sparkling with the light of the sun glancing off the ocean.

"We never ended it like this before. Neither of us knows what we're doing right now. But, I don't want to go back to that shit. I was cheating her and cheating myself. I want to feel better than that, to stop pretending."

Bella reached inside the pocket of her hoodie and pulled out that little scrap of folded paper, and pressed it into my waiting hand. I folded my hand around the paper, around her fingers. But that wasn't the end of the story and I couldn't stop now, especially now that I had the support of her touch.

"I was the one that found my dad. He'd been dead… for a long time."

"Oh my god." Bella's voice was a whisper; her hand clutched mine tighter.

"The smell. The fucking smell…" My anger flared, my chest burned.

"And that's when the court fucking stepped in, after I'd lost everything. No one ever said to my dad, 'hey asshole, stop drinking or you're going to lose your kid'. No, it was only after I'd run away and pumped my body full of fucking drugs and did unspeakable fucking things to stay fed and warm that the court presented me to my new, perfect family."

I kicked the platform of the stand. Waves lapped against the shore. Bella pressed her lips to my knuckles.

"The Cullens adopted you?"

"I didn't want them to adopt me. I said no. I walked away, and the only thing I worked on was not being found and not being sober, to keep the memory away in order to deal with my fucked up life. I blamed myself, because if I'd have been there, I could have saved him."

"You've got to know that -"

"That it's not my fault, Bella? Sometimes it doesn't matter whose fucking fault it is. It's so devastating that it doesn't matter.

"When Alice found me two years later, I knew I was dying. But I thought it was the drugs, or, I don't know, HIV or hepatitis or something. I didn't care. It seemed fitting. The cancer was more advanced because I'd lied around for months, not giving a shit.

"The Cullens, they took me in without a word. They never gave me shit for any of it."

Both of Bella's hands encircled mine. Her breath was on one cheek, the cold ocean air on the other. "Because they love you."

"Why?"

"Who wouldn't?"

And I didn't answer, because I'd gone over the answer thousands of times in therapy, but it had never made a difference before. You've got to love yourself first, and all that crap.

I glanced up at Bella, and I saw so many questions floating in her dark eyes, and I'd fucking answer anything she asked. Anything. My chest was gaping void that those eyes had somehow begun to fill. And, for a second, it didn't matter that everything I was doing this weekend was wrong. Because she was filling me, and it felt better, even though I was supposed to be helping her. And I would have given her anything for that.

Bella opened her mouth, she licked her lips, but then she looked out towards the water instead of talking.

"What?"

"I… I mean… you… You shouldn't talk about yourself like you do, Edward. You were a kid." And her eyes were on me again, and they were glassy and bright.

"I'm not a kid, now, Bella. I should fucking know better."

Bella dropped my hand and the moment was over, a wave came in, and swept it out to see. "We should get back."

I knew we should. I had to call Jenks, again. I had to tell Lauren that we had a replacement for the band. We needed to get back to Little Bell. I held out my hand to help Bella down from the stand, and she paused in front of me when her feet hit the sand. She stopped me with her eyes, in that way that only she could. "Thanks."

"I didn't fucking do -"

"Just accept the damn thank you for what it is, Edward."

"You're welcome, baby." It was intentional, this time. And that look in her eyes was back, and Bella's back made contact with the lifeguard stand, and I knew I could put my hands on either side of her face and lean in. I was afraid to tell her that I wouldn't do that. I'd be admitting something neither of us had acknowledged.

"Do you love him?" It was the first thing that popped into my head.

Bella's eyes widened and she swallowed. "Yes, of course… but -"

"Of course you do. The kid's a saint. I have to get back."

"Why did you ask me that?"

I shook my head. I fucked up her case and I wasn't going to fuck with her home, with Little Bell. I turned to go back to the house.

"Edward!"

"Because I'm an asshole, Bella," I called out without looking at her. "But I don't want to leave you here. Not with that stalker bitch around. Are you coming?"

xXxXx

Everyone was back at the house when we came in, and I couldn't stand their prying eyes. I mumbled something about work, and shut myself up in the 'boys' room'. Jenks had nothing on Victoria Hunter, yet. Lauren was ecstatic that J would play at the benefit. And my boss Laurent was unreachable. He was in Russia with Irina on an extended holiday. I was irrationally satisfied that I couldn't get a hold of him. I knew what I had to do, and I wasn't looking forward to it. At best, I needed co-counsel. But I knew that after I spoke with Laurent, he'd set me straight. Bella needed a new attorney.

I couldn't even have her as a client. I would only fuck things up.

After I dealt with all that crap, I was wound even tighter than I'd been before. Bella loved Jacob and she was going to go up against James and Victoria without me. As quickly as I had fallen into this make believe life, I was being booted the fuck out. My first thought was to go for another run, but I suppressed that impulse. I knew where it came from, and I'd been doing well with the OCD lately. I didn't want to backslide.

I stood and stretched and little grains of sand fell to the floor. I shook out my T-shirt and in a couple of seconds there was a little pile of sand on the carpet. I grabbed a change of clothes and walked down the hall to the bathroom, intent on a shower. But when I reached the bathroom door, I heard running water and laughter. I didn't wait to hear any more. Esme and Carlisle had a shower in their suite, but their door was closed and I could here them talking behind it.

Without another thought, actually, trying my best not to think about loosing Bella Swan, I marched out the back door, around the corner of the house, parted the bamboo screen, to find… Bella… and a towel. She'd been drying herself off. Her body stilled except for the subtle rise and fall of her chest, her nipples kissed the air, and her big brown eyes locked with mine. I needed to walk away, and she needed to cover herself. Instead, my eyes strayed to the gentle curve where her tits met her torso, over her ribs, the flare of her hips, the juncture of her thighs, the pink folds of her sex. Bare.

And it was only a second, or two, but it felt like forever before Bella wrapped her towel around herself, and I closed my eyes muttering an apology, and turned to leave.

But I could feel the damp air moving around me, and I could smell her: all flowers and salt. And suddenly there was a warm silken touch on my wrist and warm breath on my face. Stopping me. I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't move.

"Edward."

With my name on her lips and her hand on my wrist, it was hopeless. Warmth traveled from my arm, covering my skin, until I was sweating and charged, and all I could feel, all I could smell, and I could ever want is in front of me.

Grasping my wrist, Bella brought my hand between the folds of terrycloth, and placed it on her bare hip, and the touch was exquisite, better than I imagined weeks ago in the crowded garage: satin over stone, so easily broken, stronger than I could ever be. And I simply held her there, breathless, scared out of my mind. Scared to move, to talk, to take her like my body was commanding me to do.

"Edward?"

A finger traced my jaw, and terry-covered tits brushed against my chest. My head fell forward until my lips brush against soft skin, her forehead, and I felt her breath against my neck. I rested my forehead against hers, and my free hand held the back of her head, holding her to me. And barely touching, we stood silently breathing, hearts racing, afraid to move and afraid to let go. My hands itched to wander, my lips wanted nothing but hers, until it was more painful to stay still, and my one hand traced a path slowly down her spine, fingertips barely touching strong bones under silken skin.

"Edward." She murmured, so soft and low, our lips so close; I could almost feel their movement in the air. And that's all it took. My name. Her lips. All it ever took. I brushed my lips against hers, and she sighed into my mouth. Her lips moved under mine, soft, hesitant, the tip of her tongue swept over my lower lip. I wrapped my arm around her bare waist, and her towel slipped and I felt her hardening nipple suddenly pressed against my chest.

I breathed in her scent, tasted her salty lips, my tongue and hers, my body against hers, until her back was against the wall of the shower stall, and her leg was pulling me closer. Her breath hitched when she felt me hard and needy against her. Her hand fisted my hair, and I cupped her ass and picked her up off the ground, and held her between my body and the wall.

And somewhere nearby Nessie giggle. "You can't get me," Nessie laughed.

"I'm going to get you, all right!" Alice called.

Little footsteps ran through the grass and onto the rocks in the drive. Bella stared into my eyes, pleading, but I didn't know what she wanted. I didn't know if she realized I'd been kissing her good-bye.

"Fuck," I mumbled, setting her on the ground, staggering backwards.

Her fingertips fell from my face, but her eyes held onto me. "She's with Alice," she whispered.

"I need to go."

"_We_ need to talk."

"There's no way I can talk to you right now." I let the hunger in my eyes speak for itself, and I think Bella understood, because she refastened the towel over her tits.

"Mama?" Nessie called.

"Leave your mama alone. She's taking a shower."

"I wanna shower with mama!" Nessie's voice was closer.

"Fuck."

Bella glanced around the stall, and the clothing she brought with her was now trampled and wet on the ground. "Damn," she breathed.

"Here, take my shirt." Bella watched as I pulled the T-shirt over my head, and her fingers brushed mine as she took it from me. She turned around and dropped her towel and lifted her hands to pull it over her head. My eyes explored the slope of her slender back, the swell of her breasts, and her tight little ass, pinking where it had rubbed against the wall of the shower.

I couldn't think of anything to say. I left without another word, careful to avoid Nessie and Alice on my way back to the house.

xXxXx

I met Carlisle on the second floor landing.

"Edward, I wanted to speak to you. This is somewhat difficult for me. Perhaps we could talk in my bedroom." I shook my head, trying to focus my thoughts, trying to forget Bella's naked body and the way it felt against mine, the weight of her in my arms. I could still smell her on my shorts, and taste her on my tongue.

"What is it?" I asked with a sigh. We both settled into matching chairs in front of an unlit fireplace.

"I notice you've been spending some time with my new associate."

"Her name is Bella."

"Dr. Swan."

"Everyone thinks of her as a member of the family. You can say her name."

"Bella… yes, Alice and Esme have really taken to her and her daughter. And Emmett and Jacob seemed to get along well when we had them over for dinner last week."

I knew where this conversation was going, and Carlisle may have been right, but it pissed me off nonetheless. "What are you trying to say?"

"What exactly are your intentions with my newest employee?"

"It's really none of your business."

"No, son, that's exactly what it is. It _is_ my business. My practice is about people, and when I find employees that my patients like to interact with, I don't want to lose them. I almost lost Angela and she'd been with me for close to ten years. I don't know what happened with you and my nurse, but I'd prefer not to have a repeat performance with Doctor Swan."

I'd flirted with Angela and fooled around with her, in the office. I knew she thought it was leading somewhere, but it never was. Then, one day, Tanya walked into the waiting room, kissed Shelley on the cheek, and gave Carlisle a big hug. I was a scumbag. But that didn't mean my uncle wasn't crossing a line.

"Bella and I are adults."

"Then perhaps you should act like it. The woman has a live-in boyfriend and a young daughter. I'm sorry, Edward, I don't mean to speak out of turn. Perhaps since she's young enough to be my daughter, since her family is so far away, I feel the need -"

"To protect her from me?"

"Edward." But I could see in the set of my uncle's jaw that it's exactly what he felt the need to do.

"I understand, Carlisle."

"I'll speak with Dr. Swan in the morning."

"There's no need to embarrass her. I'll speak with her. Tell Esme I'll see her at the fundraiser. Perhaps you'd like to sit it out with Sasha?"

"Is that your plan? Dismiss your family when it gets too hard?"

"That's what I do, isn't it, Carlisle? You go ahead and do what you want."

As angry as I was, I knew Carlisle was right. Sure, right now it was about finger touches, and smiles, and Bella wet and naked in front of me. But what would happen when I started rearranging the books in her study, when she came home to find me scrubbing her floors, or when I hired a cleaning service for her? What about when I shut her out because things got too hard. When I shut out Little Bell. Or when I lost my shit because Little Bell broke the rules and brought something sticky into my car? What if I smacked her like my dad did, sometimes. Or worse, what if I just ignored her?

You throw around a term like OCD, and it's quirky, and it means you don't smell, and it means you've got a nice car and your clothes are neat. But Bella couldn't know that I was fucking insane, she didn't. And I didn't want her to see it.

I had to talk to her: to let her know my limits, to let her know that I shouldn't have led her on. I'd gotten caught up in a stupid dream, in airy-fairy ideas about being in love, not on the hard facts that I couldn't open myself up to a life with her. I wanted better than that for her, and it was fucking frightening.

And I couldn't talk to her now. If I went to her this minute, we weren't going to talk. The last fucking thing I wanted to do with Bella Swan was to explain to her how insane, unstable and undesirable I was.

So I left. It's what I did better than anything else these days. Carlisle was right, again. The shit got too hard, and I left.

* * *

**A/N: Another Monday, another update! Yay! Here's the thing, though: this week is going to be crazy at work. There's no way I'll be able to get the next chapter out in another seven days. But hang in there, I'll do my best to make sure you don't have to wait two full weeks for an update. **

**Once again, thanks to Lindz, thanks so much for the reviews, and, umm... don't hate Edward, okay? He's got a long story to work this all out. xxx, M**


	16. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hey guys! TPOL has been nominated for Fan Fiction of the Month over at Twilight Fan Fic Addicts on facebook. If you're on facebook, I'd be flattered if you went on over to the TFFA page and clicked on the link for The Practice of Love under the Fan Fic of the Month Poll. Voting is only open until Tuesday, August 31st. Here's the link, (just take out the spaces around the dots.) **

**http:/www . facebook . com/twilightfanfic?v=wall&ref=notif  
**

**BPOV**

He _kissed_ me.

_He_. Kissed. _Me_.

And it wasn't just any kiss. Holy crap! His lips, his hands, his chest, his erection all pressed me against the wall. His lips brushed against mine and there was that spark again, lighting a flame inside, and I was burning, and it was a good thing he was holding me up. Yeah, that's right. He held me up. He wrapped his arm around my naked waist and I almost came right there. And his hands. He has these huge hands, and he used one to hold my ass, his fingers so close to where I really wanted them. And I was off the ground, against the rough wall of the shower stall, and better yet, against him. He held me there, heavy, muscular, and his breath hitched as he kissed me, so that his sigh was audible, almost like a grunt. That little involuntary voice said so much about his eagerness, his need, and it ran through me so I shivered, and his fingers held me so tight, as he moved his hips and made sure that I felt him between my legs. And my towel slipped, and his kiss came harder.

And after the darkness of his past, he still managed to taste like sunlight, and that light poured into me when our lips touched, and we were lit together from the inside out, finally. And it was perfect. My heart raced, his fingertips curled just a little and I tried to grind against his hand, against his dick.

And Ness shouted something and broke the spell.

And then he gave me his shirt. He pulled it right over his head and handed it to me, and what else could I do? I dropped my towel right then and there. He didn't touch, but he watched me, and instead of his hands or his lips, this time his soft cotton and his sunshine smell caressed my skin. And I did come, a little, right then.

I pressed my hands against the old wooden boards of the stall for support, and pressed my thighs together. They were damp, and I wondered if he noticed, and I decided I was okay either way. I took a breath and turned around, and he was gone. Like he was never there, like it had all been another one of my stupid fantasies. Because, face it, this weekend had been the silly fantasy Rose and I cooked up over margaritas. But it was so much better, because it wasn't a fantasy anymore; it was right on the edge of becoming real.

After that kiss, I knew. You couldn't fake something like that. He more than 'liked me, liked me'. Much more. It had seemed so inconceivable just a few days ago, but this weekend, something changed between us. And even though it could be awkward, it was awkward because we were both trying not to cross a line. And sometimes we didn't know what to say, but that was just because we were both afraid to say too much. And even with so much untouched and unspoken, when we were together it still managed to feel comfortable and right, and dizzying and exhilarating… and I only wanted more.

Five seconds later, Ness was grinning in the doorway of the shower stall wearing a Tinkerbell nightgown. I could hear Alice's footsteps and stop short on the other side of the wall.

"I wanna take a shower too, mama! And why you wearing -"

"Not now, Ness!" My voice came out sharper than I'd planned, but I knew what she was going to ask, and I didn't want to go there. Not now. It brought to mind the idea that this weekend, and that kiss, and everything I was feeing, and_ wearing_ was wrong. And that idea was so incongruous with the way that my body was singing, that it would have been nearly impossible to explain to my daughter why I was wearing Edward's shirt. "It's after your bedtime, Ness. You can shower again after the beach tomorrow."

"Okay," she agreed, studying the shirt instead of my face, and she lifted her arms asking to be picked up. "I tired." She nestled her head against my shoulder and breathed deeply and grabbed a tiny fistful of worn cotton. I couldn't help chuckling under my breath. "Like mother, like daughter," I whispered in Nessie's ear, and she sighed and closed her eyes.

"You decent in there, Bella?" Alice called.

"Um, yeah?" I really wasn't sure. Alice gasped a little when she saw me wearing only a U Penn Law, Class of 2003 T-shirt. She tried to hide her surprise, but it didn't work.

"Hey, so, um, we're all going out in a little while. You want to come?"

"_All_ of you?" I couldn't keep the edge of eagerness out of my voice.

"Probably not. Not _everyone_, I mean." I understood, and Alice smiled sheepishly.

"Right. Well, I've got to put Ness here to bed, and I can't keep asking your mom to babysit. I should probably stay in."

"I think you could probably ask my mom to pay for Nessie's college education. She'd love to babysit."

"I think I'll stay behind, anyway, Alice. Thanks, though, for the invite." I had the ridiculous impulse to wink. We were talking in code and it was silly and absurdly fun. I should have said, "No thanks, I'll just stay behind and make out with your cousin some more."

I grinned just thinking about it, but Alice looked worried and her smile seemed brave. "Oh, Bella, can I help you with something?" she asked, eying Ness, my wet clothing, towel and toiletries.

"Alice, I'm fine," I assured her. I was better than fine. Now I knew without a doubt that breaking up with Jake was the right thing to do. Now, maybe Edward and I had a chance at something. That idea was enough to make me shiver where I stood. I knew Edward and I both had issues to work through, but we could do it together, we could make it work, we could try.

I was glad to be carrying a mostly sleeping Ness when I walked back into the house. Instead of focusing on Edward's T-shirt, everyone admired my daughter and whispered their good nights, and I was able to slip quickly upstairs. Ness fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, and I took a little more time than usual choosing my clothing and brushing my hair before going back down. I thought about make-up, but after checking the mirror, I realized that I didn't need it. After that kiss, my cheeks were still pink, my eyes were bright, and I hadn't smiled like this since I was a kid. I did brush my teeth and take a couple swigs of mouthwash. A girl could hope.

When I walked back down the stairs, the house was quiet and dark, and I guessed Alice, Rosalie and the boys had left for the bar. But there was a light glowing in the kitchen. It was Esme, putting water on for tea, alone. She smiled warmly when she saw me.

"You look lovely Bella, like you got some good sun this weekend." And I couldn't help remembering how Edward had felt like sunshine in my arms, and my cheeks grew instantly warm, and I found something very interesting to examine on the hem of my sundress.

"Everyone's gone?" I asked.

"You could have joined them, dear. I don't mind checking in on your daughter, at all. Last night I almost wished she'd wake up, so I could have her all to myself for a little while."

I felt instantly warmed by Esme's words. "I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather not be a fifth wheel, and Ness wakes early. I can't expect Edward get up with her each morning we're here." I smiled as I remembered walking into the dining room, catching Edward cutting Nessie's pancakes, and the way she'd been grinning up at him.

But Esme's face fell, and she turned abruptly to attend to the kettle. "You haven't heard, then?"

"Heard what?"

"I suppose after their talk… I thought he would at least have…"

"Esme?"

Esme turned back to me, smiling for all she was worth. "Would you care for some tea? I'm having chamomile."

"Uh, sure."

Esme took her time with a very old and very expensive-looking tea set, and set out lemon slices and a jar of honey, as well as some cookie-like thingys that I suspected were tea biscuits. It was formal and cozy at the same time. Finally, after too much fussing, Esme settled into a seat across from me. The house was very quiet except for the buzzing of cicadas, and I wondered when Edward would be down. I couldn't imagine that Nessie's laughter had scared him so much that he planned on hiding upstairs all night.

"I'm not sure what I should say, and what I shouldn't, Bella. I'm so glad you and your daughter feel comfortable here, with us. You two have really brightened our weekend. As has Edward. He hasn't been down here with us since he was a child."

"He told me that," I said, glancing towards the stairs. I felt self-conscious talking about Edward when he might come down at any moment.

"He did? That's good." Esme took a sip of her tea, settled her cup in the saucer and rubbed her forehead. "You have to understand, though, Bella. My husband worries too much. After having his twin sister Elizabeth taken from this world at such a young age, after everything that happened to her son, to Edward… And Carlisle is a physician: _you_ know that worrying comes with the territory."

"Esme, please just say whatever you're trying to say. What don't I know? What does this have to do with Carlisle?"

"I'm afraid my husband had a talk with Edward this evening, and now, Edward's on his way back to Philadelphia."

"What?" That couldn't be right, not after that kiss.

"Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything about my husband's involvement. He had your best interest at heart, but he certainly shouldn't have meddled in the lives of two adults, and I've said as much to him. I simply couldn't let Edward leave without letting you know that it wasn't his idea, entirely."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because my husband should not have gotten in the way of your happiness. And Edward shouldn't have let him." Esme shook her head, and poured another cup of tea. "Men," she sighed.

And suddenly, it all clicked. Carlisle was there when Edward called me baby, and he'd caught us holding hands. Jake and I had dinner with the Cullens only weeks ago. Carlisle, my own boss, must have thought that I was a horrible person, and he advised his nephew to stay away. And that feeling came back, the same one I tried to ignore when Ness asked about Edward's T-shirt: the feeling that I was doing everything wrong. And now Edward was gone, and my boss thought poorly of me. I'd really screwed everything up.

Esme's warm hand clasped mine from across the table. "Don't be so sad, dear. This will all work itself out."

"Oh, Esme, you don't know that."

"But, I believe you _do_ know that… I saw it in the your eyes when you came down the stairs just now. Bella, you can't live as long as I have and not know that look. Hold onto that feeling, sweetheart, and remember it when the going gets tough. And when the time comes, I'll remind you of the way my nephew lost himself listening to you talk about Lyme disease this morning. He cares about you a great deal. It reminded me of the first time I met Carlisle."

I smiled trying to picture a younger version of Esme, without the wrinkle lines, without the wisps of gray hair at her temples.

"Freshman Biology… we were in the same study group."

"Wow, you were…?"

"I'd just turned eighteen. There was something about his passion for cell signaling… but it was more than that. I wouldn't have fallen for just any biology nerd. It was Carlisle. He was handsome and bookish, and well, to me at least, somewhat… sexy." Esme actually blushed and I gave her a moment and took a long sip of my tea.

"To this day, I'm sure he said something very indecent to me about ion channels, but he still won't admit it, all these years later. I proposed to him a week after we met."

I coughed as I swallowed my tea. It was the last thing I'd expected from such a proper woman. "You're kidding? You were so young!"

"I didn't think age mattered, and all these years later, I suppose I was right." Esme smirked and sipped from her cup. "Not to mention that my parents didn't approve at all, so that was a plus. But they did send me to university to find a husband, so the joke was on them, it seems."

"Because of your age?"

"Because Carlisle was a second generation Irishman, instead of a Rockefeller or a Carnegie."

"Oh."

That was so far removed from what my own parents might want for me, that I couldn't think of anything else to say. My parents probably just wanted me to find someone that wouldn't abuse me, and with Jake, they thought I had found that guy. My dad would be really upset when I told him about the break-up. He'd known Jake since he was a kid, and he knew he was a good man. And dad was always going on and on about how hard it had been to raise me alone, and how glad he was that Jake had stepped in. More than anything else, I was worried that my dad was going to be disappointed in me.

I'd gotten lost in my thoughts and Esme was studying my face, her forehead lined with worry. "Bella?"

"I tried to break up with Jake before I came out here, Esme," I said in a rush. I hadn't told anyone yet, and I certainly hadn't planned on saying anything to Edward's aunt, but it felt so good to get it off my chest, that I couldn't stop. "And I don't know how that's going to work when I finally do end it. Nessie's known Jake since birth. He'd need time with her, and I don't know if he'd even want to stay in Philadelphia. And he's going to hate me, and I probably deserve it. My family is going to hate me. I just hope you and Carlisle don't hate me too. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong here. I really wasn't. I'm sorry."

In a flash, Esme was on my side of the table. For an older woman, she could sure move fast. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and she kissed the top of my head.

"Of course I don't hate you. Carlisle doesn't either. He doesn't want to see you or Edward hurt, and he doesn't want to lose you as an employee. But with anything worthwhile, you have to take chances. Like getting married at eighteen without your parent's approval. I suppose my husband forgot."

Esme squeezed my shoulders before she let me go, and she walked off into the dark front room and picked a small card off of the mantle.

"Here, dear, Edward left this for me. Excuse my language, but my nephew was an ass for not saying goodbye. I hope this might hold you over until you see him again."

**Esme,**

**Sorry to leave on such short notice, but it couldn't be helped. In my absence, there will be a car stationed outside the house until you all leave tomorrow. Please, also ask Emmett to keep an eye on Bella and Vanessa. Much appreciated,**

**Edward**

"And is there…?"

"There's a black sedan directly across the street. I offered the gentlemen some tea, but they've brought their own refreshments. I imagine it has something to do with the young woman on the beach."

Edward had hired a security guard to keep Victoria away? Talk about overkill. The gesture was touching and insanely over the top, all at once.

"I don't know if that's necessary, Esme," I said, waving my hand towards the front window.

"That wasn't my point in showing you the note, dear. You can keep it, if you'd like."

Of course I wanted to keep it. "Will he mind?"

"If he does, he only has himself to blame. If Edward wanted to keep his feelings locked inside, he should have stayed."

I tucked the note card into my pocket and helped Esme clear our cups and saucers before we turned off the lights, and headed upstairs to bed.

xXxXx

"Ewoord! Ewoord! Mama, where he is? Where's Ewoord?"

I opened my eyes to see Ness peering under the bed across the room from me, and my heart broke a little. If this was how she acted after waking up with Edward once, how would she react after I ended things with Jacob? And no matter how much Jake might hate me afterwards, he'd always love Ness. I knew he thought of her like a daughter. I was about to break the two of them up as well. I hated it, but I couldn't avoid it. I just hoped Jake and I could speak civilly, that he'd hear me out, and maybe that he'd agree.

"Edward had to go back to Philly, baby."

Ness flopped onto the bed and folded her hands across her chest, giving me her best pouty face. "He not say-ed goodbye."

"I know, baby. And that was very wrong of him. Do you want to make breakfast with me today, instead?" I sat down next to her and tried to pull her into my arms, but she kept her arms crossed, her little back stiff and straight.

"I _not _a baby. And I wanna make breakfast with Ewoord."

"I know, sweetie. I'm sad that he's gone too. But he asked Emmett to hang out with you today. Maybe Emmett could show you, I don't know… how to throw a football?" I tried to sound encouraging. I looked into her big brown eyes and smiled.

"I can still go to the beach and play in the water without Ewoord?"

"Off course. We don't need Ewoord to play and have fun."

"And I can wear the swim suit with the mermaid? And I can pretend to be a baby mermaid, and you can be the mama mermaid, and then, maayybee, umm, maybe Emmett could be the daddy?" Ness scrunched up her face when she said 'Emmett', but she looked so hopeful, almost excited at the idea of having a mer-family. I didn't have a choice, and neither did Emmett. I hoped he was up for it.

"Sure, Ness. Of course. Emmett can be the daddy."

"Well… okay," she allowed, getting to her feet, her hands still folded across her chest. "But I not like it as much as Ewoord."

"Me either, Ness. Me either." And finally, she gave me a genuine smile.

xXxXx

Emmett was practically walking on top of me, holding Rose's hand, as the family made their way down to the beach after breakfast. We smiled awkwardly at one another.

"I guess you're mine for the day, pret-, I mean, doc," Emmett said, nudging me in the arm with his elbow.

"I don't know, Emmett. I'm a big girl. No matter what Edward asked, I think I can take care of myself. Especially considering our, um, security detail."

Rosalie, Emmett and I glanced up towards the dunes, where the two tattooed guys in black suits were mopping the sweat off their faces, and failing miserably if their objective was to look inconspicuous.

"Yeah, what's up with those dudes?" Rosalie asked. "Are they undercover cops or something, because of what happened with Victoria yesterday?"

"Something like that," I answered, not wanting to give away Edward's overblown concern. It felt too personal.

"Dude, Edward would kill me if anything happened to you. You're not getting away from me that easily. So today, you and Ness are mine."

"Geez, what's it to Edward?" Rose asked, and I tried not to hate her. She was my best friend, but she was going to have to get past her hang-up about Edward.

Emmett managed to smooth things over by laying on the charm. He wrapped his huge arm around her little waist, and they looked a little too much like Barbie and Ken for my taste. "You gotta understand, Rosie baby. I'd never be able to live with myself if I let something happen to you."

Rose's expression softened, and she pecked Emmett on the cheek. "That's sweet, Bear. But you and I are totally different from Bella and Edward." And I tried not to hate her again, because she was right, it _was_ completely different.

I spent my Monday learning about football, and playing mer-mommy to Emmett's mer-daddy, and watching couples make-out more than I had since the prom after-party in Jenny Portifino's basement. If nothing else, I got to watch Emmett watching Rosalie. There were no straying eyes, or hands or anything. The man was focused, and Rosalie knew it too, and loved it. I was glad for her.

Alice and J played like a couple of kids: building sand castles, catching little fish in the water, body surfing on the waves. J had come out of his shell a little more, and I watched in semi-amazement as he carried on a full conversation with Carlisle and Esme. And towards the end of the afternoon, he held Nessie's hand and walked down the beach collecting purple seashells. Alice came over to ooh and ahh about how sweet and fatherly J was. Rosalie shared Emmett's recent mer-daddy role-playing fiasco, and the two went at it, subtly competing about which of them was dating the best daddy material.

I knew the answer to that question. Neither of them was dating him, and he wasn't on the beach.

J came back with a pink plastic pale full of shells and a little girl hungry for some food. Esme grabbed Nessie's hand and offered to take her back to the house to make something special, just for her. I agreed immediately, happy to finally give Esme the alone time she was craving with Ness.

"So, uh, Bella?" J asked, smiling shyly. "I, uh, wanted to apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable the other day. I didn't mean anything by what I said."

"By what?" I honestly had no idea what he meant.

"By assuming you and Edward were family. You guys seemed so upset after. I'm usually good with that kind of thing, but I really stuck my foot in my mouth, I guess."

I sighed. After J called me and Ness Edward's girls the other day, I'd been irrationally excited, flattered that anyone could consider me worthy to be that man's girlfriend or wife, or whatever. But a second later I was hit by intense guilt, because Jake always called us his girls, and I hadn't though of him first. There was no way J could have known that, though.

"J, I didn't even think twice about it. No need to apologize."

"Then you'll still come to the show tonight? I could use all the friendly audience I could get. Philly's kind of different from Texas. I'm a little frightened, actually."

"Please Bella! You should come." Alice whined a lot like Ness did. "Besides, I think there's going to be someone there you might want to see."

We were talking in code again. "Really?"

"Someone might just be there to check out J's music, to meet the band."

"You're serious?" I could see Edward tonight. We could talk, I could tell him about Jake, and there'd be no misunderstandings between us. We could start being 'we'.

"Nope, I wouldn't kid about someone like that. So, you're coming, then? Definitely?"

"Definitely. I wouldn't miss it for anything, J."

J looked back and forth between Alice and I and shook his head. "I don't know exactly what just happened, but thanks, Bella. I appreciate it."

xXxXx

"She wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, you know," Emmett said, gesturing towards his sleeping girlfriend.

I was driving back to Philly with Emmett, Rosalie and Nessie. Rose was in the back seat for the simple reason that Emmett couldn't fit back there. After three days of sunshine and water, and I'm sure with precious little actual sleep, Rosalie had fallen asleep almost as quickly as Nessie had. She was even snoring.

"I know," I agreed. "You used my exact words, Emmett. For a while, it just confirmed for me that you were the world's biggest douche, you know?"

He laughed a little, but didn't disagree. "Usually, that would be a pretty fair description. Maybe it takes a little while to unlearn that shit. I just wanted to get it perfect, so she'd see me again. I didn't want to risk anything, so I went with what you said. I don't want to be a douche with her. She's it, Bella, I just know it."

"This is where I'm supposed to say, 'if you hurt her, I'll kill you.' But I don't know if I could make that happen."

Emmett checked the rearview mirror. "I'm sure my shady cousin could find someone if you really wanted to get the job done."

I snorted. The black sedan was following us, two cars back.

"And I figure, since you helped me, I should do something nice for you," Emmett said sincerely, ignoring the topic of his untimely end.

"You already watched me and Ness. I'd say we're even, Emmett."

"No, advice… I've got some. Edward really likes you, Bella. Has hasn't said as much, but he's never been nutty the way he's nutty around you. I met Jake and all, and he seems like a nice enough guy. But, my cousin… he doesn't usually do this kind of shit, dude. I'm not telling you to throw out your boyfriend, but, I don't know… if you wanted to, you could totally, uh… _date_ my cousin."

I raised my eyebrows, trying to figure if Emmett was just out to get Edward laid. I couldn't think of a polite response.

"He's been with Tanya forever, and I was sure Tanya was just crazy enough to get with Edward's shit, to make it work. But Edward's had crazy his whole life, man, and maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe he was just waiting for the right kind of normal, for someone smart and pretty… like you."

"Emmett, that was really kind of sweet."

"I'm gonna shut up now. Anymore and I'll probably land myself in the douche category all over again." I laughed and Emmett laughed, and it was good. I was happy he was with Rose. And I was planning on breaking up with Jake, leaving me free to _date_ Emmett's cousin. And I smiled wider and laughed harder, in awe that my life could suddenly feel so exciting, and that maybe Edward and I could both have what we'd never even considered before.

xXxXx

Leah showed up at seven, with finger paints and pastels, and a big roll of rough brown paper. She was twenty and beautiful, with dark skin and almond eyes, and black hair that hung almost to her waist. She liked to wear flowers in her hair, and flowing skirts, and peasant tops without a bra, and she had a huge crush on Jake. I'd always been secretly pleased that Jake never gave her a second glance, and Leah, aware of Jake's total admiration, kind of held me in awe. I'm sure she thought I had some magical bedroom moves that kept Jake's eyes on me instead of her. Having her around was definitely good for my ego. And as a student and a struggling artist, Leah needed the money. The arrangement worked for everyone.

We'd planned on her staying the night, anyway, even before my plans to go see J's band. With Nessie's summer camp over and one extra week before pre-school started, I needed serious babysitting help. It was easier for Leah to sleep over and wake up with me and Ness, rather than get across town and to my house by six in the morning. So, going out tonight wouldn't be a big deal. And as I opened the door to let Leah in, I saw the black sedan sitting across the street from my house, and I felt that much safer leaving Ness for a few hours. _Thanks, Edward_, I said in my head.

"Hi, Leah!" I cheered out loud.

She bounded across the entrance, and sure enough, she'd left her bra at home. "I brought a few things to keep Nessie busy," she said, holding out the art supplies.

"She's going to love it. But, uh, maybe you should set up out back, because she's going to make a mess of epic proportions. I can just feel it."

"Of course. So, uh, Jake's gone until tomorrow, right?" And there were the mooneyes; Leah hadn't changed a bit in the month since I'd seen her last: braless and crushing on my almost un-boyfriend.

"Yeah, tomorrow. And I'm heading out tonight, if you don't mind. Here's the address, and you have my number if you need me. I shouldn't be too late. I have work in the morning."

"No problem at all, Bella. Nessie sleeps like a rock. Have fun."

After kissing Ness goodnight, and showing her how to charge her 'pink music', I headed over to Alice's house. I told Alice I'd pick her up, so she didn't have to go alone. Rose and Emmett said they'd meet us there, but I wasn't going to hold my breath. When I'd dropped the two of them off at Rose's condo, the way his hands were all over her, the way she practically pulled him up the front steps, I didn't know if Rose would come up for air until the next time she was due at the hospital.

I wasn't surprised that Alice lived in Northern Liberties, an artsy part of town full of single twenty-somethings with attitude. She would fit right in. I was expecting her to live in a row home, like everyone else in the city, but I had to do a double take when I pulled up to the address. The house was all wood and stone and glass, high and airy and enormous. Leave it to the Cullens to make a statement.

Alice answered the door and threw her arms around me and it reminded me of the first time we'd met, back at her parent's home. This time she was dressed in a pair of electric blue leggings and a clingy black off the shoulder top that set off her hair and eyes. She looked stunning and quirky, and totally Alice.

"Oh, no, Bella. Not that!" she said, turning me around before she even let me through the door. "Jeans and a tank top? Really?"

I thought I'd looked pretty good. "What's wrong with it?"

"Ness and I are going to have to teach you a thing or two. Come in, come in! We have just enough time to fix this."

Judging by the outside of the house, I'd expected to see something sparse and modern and empty when I walked through the front door. But the front room was a cluttered mess. Alice weaved her way through the random furniture and boxes filling up the enormous space, and came back with a drink in each hand. "You strike me as a cosmo kind of girl," she giggled, handing me the drink.

"Uh, well, I'll see, I guess." I was more of a beer kind of girl, but I was nervous enough about seeing Edward again that I'd take whatever was offered to calm my nerves. "So, your place is, umm -"

"A complete mess," Alice said, finishing my thought perfectly. "It's all Edward's. He needs a storage space, or better yet, a place of his own. Seriously, it's coming up on a month. In his defense, he only asked Tanya to send three things, but I think she wanted to wipe the slate clean. She sent over Christmas mugs, for god's sake. I guess he just hasn't been in the right headspace to go through it all."

"Wow, a whole life in boxes." For some reason, it was painful to see.

"It could probably stay in those boxes, as far as he's concerned. I don't think he wanted that life, he only thought he did." I understood completely, and my chest ached, wondering what Jake would do with his belongings, what he'd want to take.

"Which three things did he ask you to keep?"

"Well, the piano," Alice replied. "It was his mom's."

I spotted my office chair in a far corner of the room and remembered Edward telling me that he had the same one. "And the chair?" I asked.

"Yeah, funny, huh?" Alice laughed a little, as she weaved back through the boxes to a little bar, where she started mixing another drink for each of us.

"I don't know if it's funny. It's a really good chair." It was the kind of chair you could spend hours in, Googling your attorney.

"And this thing," Alice added, walking over to a monstrous canvas leaning against the wall. "The movers should have at least covered it. Tanya probably told them not to, or something. Still, I don't think it was damaged in the move." It was a painting of a castle, glowing silvery-white against a gloomy background. The lines were all clean and straight, the corners all right angles. It was an angelic castle, an ideal of a castle, and it had the biggest tower I'd ever seen.

I laughed a little out loud and Alice's eyes glittered as she took another sip of her cosmo. "You see the big shining dick too, huh?" And the two of us laughed together as she brought me up to her dressing room to find something else to wear.

By the time we made it to the club, I realized that Alice had gotten me perfectly buzzed. I was all smiles and swagger and hyper-aware of my body; drunk just enough to think I looked kind of sexy, yet not enough to do anything stupid with that idea. I felt like I was six feet tall in the tight leather pants and heels I'd dressed up in at Alice's place, and the shimmering blue top she'd chosen for me hung on my boobs in a way that made them look pretty hot, even though they were small. Having Alice around could really come in handy.

"Thanks for coming, Bella. I really appreciate it."

Edward was supposed to be inside. There wasn't a chance in hell I wouldn't have shown up tonight, especially with Nessie's own private security detail back home.

"Will you stop thanking me, Alice? I want to be here."

"I know, I know… I just have this feeling that I can't quite put my finger on. I think that tonight might be, I don't know… intense."

Intense: like Edward, like his history, like every word that came out of his mouth, like our kiss in the shower. I'd take intense, gladly… my intense mystery man, my Edward. He was all I could think about as we made our way to the front of the line, as Alice pointed to our names on the guest list, and as the bouncer checked my I.D. And his face was the only one I was looking for as Alice and I got our bearings and looked around inside.

The club was dark, the walls covered with something like velvet, the bar lining the semi-circular back wall, and tables set up front, with booths along the sides. It was crowded for a weeknight, and the large room hummed, people milled and shouted to friends across the bar.

"We need to get a seat up front," Alice whisper-shouted in my ear, as she pulled me towards the stage. "We can get drinks afterwards." I didn't need another drink; my eyes scanned the room for what I needed. It didn't take long; I would have known that messy mop of copper hair anywhere. Suddenly, I was the one pulling Alice, no matter that I was in four-inch heels.

"Edward!"

Two heads turned, and I stopped dead in my tracks in horror. Two men stood to their feet. Alice clutched my wrist, and I felt sick to my stomach. Two sets of eyes, one set black and overjoyed, the other set blazing green, hot and hungry and angry all at once, and he blinked, and I saw a glimpse of the sadness that he always hid inside.

"Jacob," I mumbled in shock, unable to take my eyes from Edward's face. His features were hard, his jaw set, and his eyes... I had to look away. I wanted to apologize, to take his hand and leave, but my boyfriend was bounding over to me like some overgrown kid.

What the hell was Jake doing here?

Jake held my face in his hands and brushed his lips over mine. His dark eyes were bright, and he took a step backwards to look me over from head to toe. I wanted to crawl under a rock.

"What are you doing here?" I managed.

"I couldn't stay away any longer, Bells. I made our dads take me back early, I changed my flight. I had to see you. And, damn, you should hang out with fashion designers more often, babe. You look smokin' hot."

It was hard to concentrate on Jake. I could tell without seeing him that Edward's eyes were no longer on me, and I felt rejected, somehow. I irrationally wanted to be the only thing that could hold his attention.

"But how did you find me?"

"Leah gave me the address when I got home. Ness was already in bed, so I came right over. You weren't here, but your lawyer was. And, you know, I'm glad I got a chance to talk to him again, one on one. He had some sweet things to say. He's not so bad."

"No, he's not." I wanted to cry. "Jake, we need to talk."

"I know we do, Bells. That's part of the reason I'm back early. There's been too much unsaid, and I want to say it. It's like we've been walking around with all this stuff in the air, and I don't want to live like that anymore."

"Should we go now then?" It wasn't how I'd planned to spend the evening, but it had to be done.

Jake smiled and rubbed my bare shoulder with his big, rough hand. "I just ordered a beer, and I paid twenty dollars to get in here. Let's stick around for a few and see the show. We can talk after, somewhere quiet."

I should have insisted that we leave. Because there, in that empty moment, there was no reason for me not to grab Jake's hand and pull him towards the exit. I pleaded silently with him to spontaneously change his mind, and I thought of all the things I had planned to say, about what his reaction might be. But I said nothing, and Jake's hand moved from my shoulder to my waist, and he whispered in my ear that he loved me.

The moment ended, and I hadn't said a word. Edward's eyes met mine and they were dull and flat, like paint on a wall. Alice came by and placed another drink in my hand with a hangdog expression on her face. In another second, the lights went down, and the crowd cheered, and J and his band walked on to the stage.

"We'll talk later, Bells," Jake whispered into my ear. "I'm gonna make sure we have plenty of time to ourselves later." His hand brushed my ass, as he led me over to the booth where Alice and Edward were sitting. Alice was whispering something in Edward's ear, and he almost looked like he was going to be sick.

"Thank you," J said into the mic, in his hushed Southern drawl. "Good to see all of my new neighbors out here tonight."

Alice whooped and waved her arms in the air, and J winked in her direction, before taking his seat and adjusting his mic. Jake's hand was on my thigh, his lips brushed my shoulder, and I downed the drink Alice had given me, and coughed too loud, trying not to choke. It was stronger than what she'd made back at her place. People turned to stare, a few shushed me, and I held my face in my hands, trying to block it all out. Trying to keep the world straight, because it had suddenly tilted sideways.

The band launched into a sweet melody with a layered and lush sound that filled the room and made it's way through your bones. J's voice joined the instruments, throaty and low, and sexier than I'd imagined it would be. He kept his eyes down, and his foot tapped out the rhythm on the ground, and his voice made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. The emotion that he was able to convey with his voice blasted right through me, sad and lonely and resolute. I couldn't catch all the words, something about a father and a son, and leaving, and dying, and being reborn. When it was over, it was silent for a second as the crowd sat in awe. Alice was the first in the crowd to jump to her feet and clap and scream, and the rest of the room erupted after that.

Only then did J lift his head and give a shy smile. "Thanks. Now, this one's a new one. It's for my girl." He blushed a little, and glanced in Alice's direction, before turning back to his band to give them a count-off to start. I looked over to see Alice grab Edward's hand, and all the emotion in J's voice hit me again, and his sweet adoration washed over me and over everyone around me, and the crowd gave a collective sigh. Alice nearly climbed onto the table in front of her, and Jake wrapped his arm around my waist. I wanted to cry again. Edward hadn't even glanced in my direction.

I pulled myself away from Jake and hurried back to the bar and ordered a shot. I hadn't had a shot of anything since college, and when I downed it, my eyes burned, and I held on to the edge of the bar for support. The song ended, people applauded, and as I looked back towards our booth I saw Alice run up to the stage. J bent down and whispered something in her ear, to a chorus of 'a_ww_!'.

Jake and Edward were talking in the booth, their heads bent close. Edward was nodding in agreement to something, and Jake clapped him on the back. I felt like I'd lost all control over my life, my night, and my equilibrium. My head was swimming, and I made my wobbly way to the bathroom, where I plunked down on a toilet, locked the door and hung my head while the world spun around me.

The longer I sat, the more my confusion and self-pity turned to anger. How could Edward sit there and calmly chat with Jake when I _knew_ he wanted me, when I knew he cared about me? How could he sit in a booth with me and not even say hello? And I was an avowed pacifist, but shouldn't Edward have been at _least_ kind of cold to Jake? Not all chummy, not sharing secrets, not talking to my boyfriend and avoiding me!

Edward hadn't called me all day. And now that I was here, after that first tortured glance, he'd hardly even looked at me since.

Of course, I was wrong. _Completely_ wrong. Jake was still my boyfriend. I'm sure Edward had been as surprised as I was that Jake was here tonight. And he was behaving better than I was. But it still bothered me that he could be so calm and chatty. Wasn't he upset, at all?

I was thinking this over, and concentrating on walking, slowly, one foot in front of the other, as I made my way back to the bar. I tried to climb onto a stool, but almost pushed it over instead, and I paused before mustering my courage to try again.

That's when I felt the hand around my wrist, and my heart sputtered, and I looked up to see Edward: angry, his lips pursed, his eyes narrowed, glowing with green light. My body just about fell into his, but he held me up with his hands on my shoulders, and kept space between us.

"Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" His voice was a low rumble, and my body shook.

But, while my body was busy betraying me, my mind soldiered on alone. I couldn't believe that was the first thing he'd say to me! The last I'd seen him, he was pushing me up against a wall, his tongue in my mouth. "Are you serious?"

"I'm always fucking serious, Bella. Do you need help back to your boyfriend?"

I glared at Edward, and stepped away from him. He lowered his arms to his sides and dug his hand into the pocket of his jeans. They were _those_ jeans… the worn-looking ones that hung on his hips, and his gray button-down was open at the collar, and hugged his chest perfectly.

"Some guy's watching my house," I mumbled, my eyes still lost somewhere between his hips and his chest, remembering how he looked on the beach, his muscles rippling as he wrestled with Emmett in the water.

"I couldn't be there." Edward's voice came softer and I chanced a look at his face. He was back: his eyes full of concern, biting his bottom lip, blinking slowly. And I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck, but some shred of sanity held me back.

"I'm sorry about Jake. He was supposed to come back tomorrow."

"Why are you sorry?" He closed his eyes; he shook his head, almost like he was arguing with himself.

"_We _need to talk, and Jake and I need to talk. What happened, yesterday… it was,"

"Wrong," he cut in, his voice loud enough that the people around us turned to look.

"What?"

"From the moment we made the bet about Emmett and Rose, I was being selfish. I knew what could happen, but I did it anyway. I have a fucking track record a mile long, and I didn't want to screw things up for you and Little Bell. You two don't deserve that shit. I thought I could help you…"

"Edward, you didn't screw up _anything_, you made me realize how I felt about… my relationship."

"Good." Edward's voice was clipped and hard. "And the kid still likes you. He just told me. I'm happy for you… both." And even thought the words that came out of his mouth sounded sincere, he looked like he wanted to vomit. "Now I just have to fix the case, find you someone who can -"

"Wait! Find me someone? What the hell do you mean?"

"There's no way I can represent you, Bella. I thought the one thing I could do was to fight for you in court, but I managed to fuck that up too. As soon as my boss gets back from Russia, we can get this fucking mess sorted out."

"You were just holding my hand." I stomped my foot like Ness did when she got angry.

"I was holding your hand, on a beach, and you were four small triangles of fabric away from being completely nude. That's not going to fucking look good in court, or professionally, for that matter."

"Professionally? Is that what this is? You're worried about your reputation?"

Edward shook his head dismissively. "I don't fucking know."

"Don't give me your fucking 'I don't knows'!" I shouted.

"And don't expect me to have a fucking heart-to-heart with you after watching _his_ hands all over you, after listening to how much you mean to him."

"But you won't even listen to me when I bring up his name!"

Edward looked like he wanted to punch something. He should have. I was being unfair. "Nessie told me that she thought the kid was really cool. I thought I'd tell him that."

"What?" That sick 'I'm doing everything wrong feeling' returned, only worse, now that I was wasted and angry with Edward and myself. "And you didn't say anything about…"

"That's not my place to tell him." Edward's eyes were burning with anger, and he looked me up and down, and I saw that spark and knew what he wanted. "Nothing happened, Isabella. He doesn't need to know that shit."

"Don't say that!" I stomped my foot again, except this time I twisted my ankle, and had to catch myself by holding onto the bar. Edward didn't make a move to help me. In fact he turned and looked over his shoulder, instead. I resisted the urge to slap him in the back of the head.

"So, that's it? That's all you have to say to me?"

"Not quite." Edward looked back at me and his lips were drawn tight, his eyes hard and glassy. "If you chose to find a replacement for me on your own, I'd like to make sure your counsel is adequate. Of course, the decision is yours to make, but it would be irresponsible of me to walk away. I will continue to represent you until another attorney is appointed to your case. Nevertheless, we shouldn't have to meet face-to-face again."

My heart dropped through my chest, and I was surprised I couldn't hear the thud when it hit the floor. My knees went weak, and I forced my feet to walk in Edward's direction.

"Why are you doing this?" I hissed. "Why now? Here? After the shower, after the kiss, after everything we -"

"There was no _everything_, Bella. It was a fucking kiss. Just a kiss. You'll get over it."

"That was _not_ just a kiss, that was the most -" But before I could finish, Edward wrapped his hand around my wrist again, and my heart raced as he bent his head to mine. His lips were so close that I was sure he was going to kiss me, and all I could see were his fiery green eyes and all I could smell was the sunshine on his skin.

"I told you after the barbecue that our relationship would have to remain platonic, but you won't leave it alone, Bella. You've left me no choice but to walk away. Now let me fucking go," he growled.

"But you're the one holding me."

I could feel his fingers moving on my arm, and his breath was coming hard and fast, and with his eyes locked on mine, that electricity that always erupted in the space between us was there, again. How could he ignore this, deny it, when it was real? I leaned forward and he inched backwards until his back collided with the bar. He swallowed as I brought my body flush with his, and he bit his lip again as his hand tightened around my wrist.

"Fuck," he half groaned, half whispered. I lifted my hand, trying to touch his cheek, trace his strong jaw line, but he grabbed my arm, holding me back. I could feel him against my hip, hard for me. He was lying. It wasn't just a kiss.

"Let me go," he hissed.

"No."

"Let her go, you asshole."

Those five words shattered everything, and Edward released me, and I staggered backwards and turned around.

It was Rosalie. I guess she'd made it out of Emmett's bed just in time to interfere with my life.

"This is none of your business, Rose."

"What the hell was he just doing to you? Did he hurt you?" Rosalie asked, trying to grab the wrist Edward had been holding. I pulled it away from her.

"Jesus, no. Get a grip!"

"He's the one that had a grip. Your arm and wrist are red! And this asshole's supposed to be your attorney?"

"No, I'm certainly not supposed to be Ms. Swan's fucking attorney," Edward cut in. "I was just leaving."

"Edward, get back here. We're not done!"

He didn't listen to me, either. He kept walking, and I actually considered running after him. Because I was an idiot. Rosalie knew me well enough to guess what was going through my mind, and she grabbed my shoulder and sat my ass on a barstool.

"For god's sake, Bell, let the asswipe go. Sit down, have a drink. Tell me what the hell is going on here. Because I just spent all weekend with you, but somehow I managed to miss something big."

I took the drink Rose offered me and I started talking, and after that things got blurry, and finally black, until…

xXxXx

Opening my eyes caused pain, focusing my eyes was excruciating and near impossible. My head felt like it was being pounded by a mallet, my stomach was an empty, violent place, and I was swimming. A loud, screeching buzz, came over and over and over. It took too long to figure out that it was the alarm.

Holy crap. It was seven in the morning! Where was Ness? Jake? I stumbled out of my empty bed, only vaguely aware that I was wearing one of Jake's white T-shirts, and made it to the bathroom just in time to dry heave over the toilet. I splashed water on my face. My arms felt weighed down with lead. I looked green. I had to go to work.

We were finally upgrading to an electronic filing system at the office. I was supposed to be in charge of a cadre of technicians while Dr. Cullen saw our patients. Dr. Cullen… the man that advised Edward to leave his house because of me. My stomach lurched again, and this time I managed to bring up some bile.

Ugh.

I brushed my teeth and popped two aspirin in my mouth with a minimum amount of water. The water came back up, immediately. Holy hell, I hadn't been this hung over since my honeymoon when I drank too much ouzo in Greece and the fish all came back up the next day. With that thought, I hung my head over the toilet one more time.

I splashed my face with water again, pulled my hair into a tight ponytail and dragged myself into the bedroom where I pulled on the most comfortable thing I could find: a cotton wrap dress. I thought maybe my favorite lemon yellow sandals could lift my mood, but they only made me think about him. How we'd joked about my sandals at the barbecue, how he'd been so angry last night, how he'd told me we never had to see one another, ever again.

I pressed my eyes closed and took a few deep breaths. I hadn't broken up with Jake and I'd ruined things with Edward. When did I start sucking so much at life? I wiped the tears from my eyes and glanced at the clock, trying to figure out what happened after Edward left last night, trying to figure out what was going on.

Right, Ness finished camp last week and Leah stayed the night. I groaned out loud, not looking forward to confronting a fresh-faced twenty year-old when I could hardly open my eyes. But I wearily made my way downstairs; I had no choice.

"Mama!" Ness ran at me and jumped into my lap as I collapsed into a chair.

"Baby, please. Mama has a headache."

"Mama, how many times I have to tell you? I. Not. A. _ Baby_!"

"Ness, please, honey. Shh!" I felt like the worst mother in the world.

Leah slid a plate of fried eggs and toast in front of me, along with a tall glass of tomato juice. My stomach turned and I held my head in my hands.

"It's my mom's home remedy for hangovers. Never fails," Leah explained, smiling a little too much for my taste. "Jake said you might need it this morning."

I tried smiling as I pushed the eggs around on my plate.

"He also said to remind you about the fundraiser tonight."

Oh. My. God. I had to call Jake. He couldn't go to that. I couldn't go. We certainly couldn't go together!

"And he said he'd be working late, and that he'll meet you there."

"What? He can't go straight from the garage!" I had a vision of him wandering into the ballroom wearing his grease-stained overalls and work boots.

"He took his tux with him this morning."

"Leah, I feel like I woke up into a slightly different reality. Jake's going to change into his tux at the garage, and then meet me at a black tie fundraiser?"

"I guess. That's what he said." She shrugged before turning around to rinse the dishes in the sink.

I had to get in touch with Jake. And I had to get to work. I quickly pecked at my eggs and sipped the tomato juice and nearly threw up right there. "What is this?" I coughed.

"Mom's secret recipe," Leah laughed, her eyes twinkling, "without the fish sauce. You didn't have any."

"Thank god for that."

"It works, take my word."

I coughed into my napkin, my mouth on fire, eyes watering. Nessie patted me on the back.

"You sick, mama? You gonna stay home cause you sick?"

"No, I've got to go to work, honey. It's my own da-, darn fault that I'm sick today."

"You gived yourself bad germs?"

"More like bad drink. Before you try alcohol, remember how I look right now. Okay, honey?"

"Okay, mama. I don't wanna look green."

xXxXx

By three, I'd stopped trying to get in touch with Jake. Each time I called, his cell went straight to voicemail. During lunch, I even tried calling the garage. Paul said Jake was out, and that he'd give him the message. Jake never called.

I had a few options. Option number one: I wouldn't go to the fundraiser at all. Jake would eventually come home and we could talk. Option number two: I could try to head Jake off at the pass. That way Jake wouldn't wander around the benefit. He might bump into Esme, who already knew about my intentions. He'd see Rosalie, and I couldn't even remember what I'd said to her last night. And then there was Edward… No, I couldn't let that happen.

So, after work, I headed straight for the garage, and surprise, surprise, Jacob wasn't there.

"He's uh, out picking up some parts, Bella." Paul explained, not looking me in the eye.

"Parts? Paul, this is a freaking garage. Don't you have parts here? Isn't that what people come here for?"

"Aw, Bella. You just don't get it. We've got to get the parts from somewhere."

"UPS, maybe?"

"Bella, he's not here. What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing. Nothing, Paul. Damn it! This day couldn't get any worse."

"It's only looking up from here, Bella. Trust me on that. I have a feeling you're gonna go to bed happy tonight."

Paul smiled and winked, and offered his hand to lead me out the door.

xXxXx

"Mama!" Ness ran across the living room and jumped into my arms. "You feelin' better?"

"A little, Ness. I had a long day."

"I played at the park, and I go'ed to the store with Leah and she getted me a candy bar and said it was a secret. So don't tell anyone, okay?"

I laughed, sure that the candy bar had been a secret from me. "I won't tell. Promise."

"And you getted something, too!"

"Is Leah going to surprise me with a candy bar?" If a candy bar was the only good thing about this day, I'd take it. Actually, I'd take a couple if they were lying around. And maybe a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

"No, mama! You gett-ed flowers! A lot, a lot of them!"

My heart stopped for a beat, and then shuddered back to life at a distinctly faster rhythm. Jake never sent flowers.

Sure enough, Leah was in the kitchen adding water to an enormous arrangement, all white and yellow. They towered over Leah's head, and the kitchen smelled like the tropics. "Oh my god," I mumbled, my hand over my mouth.

"I know, right?" Leah laughed. "It came with a card."

The first thing to pop into my head was that the little square of paper she handed me was the same size as Edward's prescription. The message inside was typed.

I'm sincerely sorry about last night, baby. I can't wait to see you. I sent a car to make sure you arrive in one piece. Save a dance for me, ok?

It was unsigned. But Jake had never sent me flowers before, ever. And he hadn't done anything to apologize for that I could remember. _And_ there was one word in the card that gave it away: baby. Edward slipped on Saturday, but I was almost certain he said it on purpose on Sunday. Baby. Just thinking about how intense his eyes were when he said it, how he smelled like sweat and sunshine, how close he'd been… Right before I told him I still loved Jake.

No, Edward had nothing to apologize for. This was entirely my fault. And I should have made up for it by finding Jake and keeping him from the fundraiser. By finally breaking up with him. But it was like my brain had been overridden by my heart. _He_ was sorry… he wanted to see me.

"Jake really went all out, huh, Bella?" Leah asked. "Where should I put this thing?"

"Oh, uh, the dining room table, I guess?"

And that's when it struck me: once Jake saw these, he'd know something was up. It meant that tonight was the night; no more stalling, no more drinking myself into oblivion, I had to break up with Jake. But with these flowers, it didn't seem like such an awful task. It was just a bump in the road on the way to what I really wanted. All these years I'd been living complacently, going with it, going with Jake.

But I wasn't going to sit back and let chance or coincidence do the driving anymore. I wanted Edward, I needed Edward. I was going to go for it.

"Thanks for looking after them, Leah. They're really… something, huh?"

"Yeah, Bella. You should get wasted more often," Leah laughed. "Cause it looks like you're in for it tonight."

I found Ness playing with her 'pink music' in her room, more of a confirmation that I was right about Edward. My daughter loved him. And I knew he wasn't a replacement for Jake, but he was better than a consolation prize. He was Edward, and Nessie's life would be brighter with Edward in it.

So I ran up to my bedroom and showered, feeling brighter and happier than I had all day. I was doing this for both Ness and myself, and Edward was sorry, and he called me baby again… and I was in the shower, hands over wet skin. My hands were half the size of his, but with eyes closed, I could pretend, I could remember how he touched, where he touched, and I braced myself against the wall as my fingers found the spot where I wanted him the most. I pressed my body against the wet tiles, and drove myself home, hard, just like I hoped he would, soon.

xXxXx

"Oh my god, lady! Jake is going to pee his pants when he sees you!"

Leah circled around me, like I was a show pony or something. Actually, I don't know how people circled show ponies, but anyway… Leah was circling, evaluating.

"It makes the girls look bigger, that's for sure. Like way bigger!" she observed, staring at my sudden cleavage. "And you always did have that tiny little waist."

The gown Alice had loaned me was dark blue, and made of a filmy fabric. It had a stiff bodice that lifted and separated and elevated, and cinched at the waist. The fabric was woven over the bodice, dropped from my hips, and swirled to the floor, all gauzy, like a raincloud. When I walked, you could see a lot of leg. I paired it with these amazing heels I'd found while I was school shopping for Ness last week. They were blue and strappy and they had this chrome hardware along the top. They were edgy, and sophisticated, and would have turned heads on their own, I think.

"Man, Bella, you clean up good."

"You look bootiful, mama," Nessie piped in, hugging me around the hips. "Your boobies look so big, and your butt looks like this big!" Ness held her hands out wide and Leah doubled over with laughter.

"Oh my god, really?" I asked, trying to get a peek at my backside.

"Just big- in a good- way, Bella!" Leah choked between peels of laughter. "You don't have a butt to begin with, so this is an improvement. Right, Ness? Your mama's butt looks good, right?"

"I guess." Ness didn't look convinced.

"And my oh my, Cinderella, it looks like your carriage it here."

Sure enough, there was a black stretch limo parked in front of the house. My heart fluttered, blown away that Edward would choose to make such an enormous gesture. He seemed so understated, and a limo didn't seem his style. But I wasn't going to argue. Leah, hugged me, and looked almost as excited as if she were going herself. Ness whispered in my ear that if I was Cinderella, I had to be home by midnight.

I tripped over my own front steps, but the driver was quick, and caught my hand just in time. "Miss," he said, gravely serious as he helped me into the car. "We have one stop to make prior to your arrival at the event. Relax, and we'll be to our first destination shortly."

I did as I was told and I relaxed as best I could. But my stomach was jumping. I hoped we were driving someplace where Edward and I could be alone before we'd be surrounded by people, and before I met up with Jake. I was desperate to see Edward again, to talk to him, and to apologize, and I was overjoyed that I had another chance to make it all right.

And when the limo swung onto Kelly Drive, my heart started racing. We were turning into the parking lot where Edward and I had shared lunch, where he'd licked my fingertip. I wanted to jump out of the car, but I wisely waited until it came to a stop at the far end of the lot. The driver opened the door and waved his hand towards a gazebo set on top of a rocky hill, right next to the river.

And my heart stopped, because Edward wasn't up there gazing down at me. It was Jake.

xXxXx

"God, you look so beautiful, and so surprised. I did it, I surprised you, didn't I?" Jake murmured as I struggled up the mountain of steps in my heels and my dress.

"Yeah, umm…"

"Remind me to thank Alice for that dress."

Suddenly I was self-conscious and dying for a jacket, even though it was eighty-degrees outside. Jake's eyes were caught somewhere between my cleavage and my face."

"You're gorgeous, Isabella."

"I said we needed to talk, and _this_ is where you wanted to talk to me? And you sent a limo to do it?" I tried not to get angry, but I was more disappointed than I'd possibly ever been. "And why did you apologize in that note?"

"Jake smiled and laughed a little. "You don't remember?"

"If I remembered, I wouldn't be asking you."

"Uh, well, this isn't how I wanted to start, exactly… But, uh, last night you looked so amazing, and I was gone for days, and I tried to… you know, when we got home."

"Oh my god. You didn't!"

"Dude, of course not, Bells! You could hardly talk. I felt bad for even trying. That's why I apologized." Edward hadn't apologized. Another day passed, and he was still pretending he didn't want to see me.

"But I don't want to talk about that, Bells. I want to talk about us. All of this, everything that's happened lately, has me thinking. It's reminded me that I can't lose you."

And that's when it caught my eye. Each night at dusk, the Circa Center was lit up with a different abstract design. I gasped and his eyes twinkled and I could tell from his smile that he knew exactly what I saw. Jake held my hand, his fingers twining with mine, and turned around so that we were both looking out across the river at the glass and steel skyscraper. Tonight there was no artwork, no Phillies logo, no patriotic stars and stripes. Instead, it said 'Marry Me' in big red letters.

"No," I whispered.

"Bella, I can't remember a time when I didn't love you."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"I know how you feel about marriage, but it's almost like we're already married. I asked your dad for his permission."

"Oh my god, you didn't!"

"And he gave me this: your grandma's ring, Bells. She always meant it for you." And he pulled a ring out of his pocket: a pretty little diamond set in a platinum band.

"Jake, no. No."

His face fell. "Don't be like that."

"I can't. You know I can't. We've talked about this."

"But, Bells, we've been together for more than four years! I want to be more than 'Jake' to Little Bell. I'm more a dad to her than anyone has ever been. And you're all I want, Bella. I want you to really be mine. To finally own up to it. And now, with James, with just the possibility that that asshole could get partial custody… God! You won't even marry me to keep Ness?"

And all of the sudden, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. "What are you talking about?"

"I asked Edward last night. He said you'd have a better chance in court if you were married."

"He said that?" I was furious. Instead of sending an apology and a limo, Edward was urging Jake to marry me. Who the hell did he think he was?

"It's not surprising when you think about it. It makes sense," Jake continued, confused by my sudden silence.

And looking at Jacob, eager and frightened, I wanted to kill myself, because I'd done everything wrong. I shouldn't have let him go fishing. I shouldn't have gotten drunk last night. I probably shouldn't have asked him to come to Philly with me and Ness in the first place.

"I can't, Jake. I'm sorry, but I can't do this."

"Fuck. There's no reason not to, Bells. If we live like man and wife, why not get married? If you love me -"

"I don't want to live together anymore, Jake.

Finally, Jake fell silent. He stared at me blankly, blinking.

"Wh- What?" he finally asked.

"Jake, I can't do this anymore."

"Why?"

"I love you, Jake. And I can't tell you how much having you in my life has meant to me. But, I've been thinking a lot lately. And it's not right. I should want to marry you; I should want to have kids with you. I should want it all, and you should have someone that wants it all, Jake."

"You don't want to marry me?"

"We need to separate. We need to figure things out so you get time with Nessie."

"You're fucking dumping me?" Jake was raising his voice, and people in the park below stopped to figure out what was going on. Two people dressed for a ball, arguing with one another. I'm sure it was quite a show. I tried to keep my voice low.

"Jacob, I love you. I'll always love you. You are like family to me, but I don't feel the way I should feel with you. You deserve someone that loves you like they should."

"Fucking James, again!"

I couldn't understand how he'd gone from marriage to James. "What?"

"It's been different between us ever since that asshole came back into our lives. I worried that having your ex-husband in the picture again might scare you away from marriage. But, I'm nothing like him, Bells."

"Jake, it's got nothing to do with James. It has nothing to do with anyone. It's just me."

With those words, Jake's fist punched one of the poles of the gazebo, and a small crack spread across the grain in the wood.

"Fuck, Jake! You're going to break it."

"What the hell do I care if I break a goddamned gazebo, Bella? You're fucking breaking up my family! Fucking taking me away from Nessie."

"I want you and Nessie to have time together, I do. I just don't want to pretend it's all okay, when it's not."

"It seemed okay before James came back. That fucking asshole!" Jake punched the wood again, and the crack spread, the structure creaked.

"Jake, if some guard sees you or something, you're going to get in trouble."

"I don't fucking care. Don't you get it Bella? Without you guys, I don't fucking care." With that he began marching back down the steps. I tried my best to catch up with him, but in my heels, with that dress, it was hopeless.

"Jacob! Jake, come back!"

"Give me some fucking time, Isabella! After everything you won't give me, the least I could ask for is time."

By the time I made it back down to the parking lot, Jake had disappeared around the corner. The driver was red-faced, embarrassed. Apparently, things hadn't gone as planned.

"Miss?" he asked, hesitantly.

My anger flared. There were two men responsible for this proposal, and one of them was about to get a piece of my mind.

* * *

**A/N: So I managed to get this baby out by Monday! Don't say I never did anything for you, okay? I want to thank Lindz who got all Obama on my ass last night and gave me hope. And to Peaks, who might never read this, but gave me a fun and upside down way to break up writing on Sunday. And to all my readers who review and read each week: THANK YOU! **

**And, yeah, I'm going to go and ask if you'd vote again. Please and thanks, all in one. !f you want to catch me on facebook, I'm Belladonna Cullen, in Philadelphia, PA. I send out teasers and stuff to my facebook fans. Until next week, xxx, M**


	17. Chapter 14

**EPOV**

It's done. I'm done. All that's left is to walk around the room and pretend that I give a shit whether the Canary Islands are preferable to Fiji, whether the recession will impact the upcoming opera season. I managed a hollow smile, I managed to shake hands, pretend kisses on cheeks, nodding, agreeing, walking the room. But it was all shit. I should care about my fucking foundation, about its mission, about how Lauren and I were able to pull this off, even after all of Tanya's shit. But it all felt empty, because she was supposed to be here. She was supposed to see this too.

I should have found Seth and made him feel comfortable, because he was likely to feel even more out of place than I did. I should have talked up the top funders. I should have paraded Emmett around to the Eagles fans. But Emmett wasn't there yet, and after that shit with Bella and Rose, I couldn't be sure he'd show at all.

I hadn't talked to him. After last night, I'd rented a hotel room. I didn't need to be confronted with Emmett's stupid jokes or a half-naked Rosalie. I wasn't about to stay with Alice. Now that she was all up in Bella and Nessie's business, there was too much of a chance of seeing them again at her place. And Alice was all too likely to spout some positive and encouraging bullshit that she knew nothing about. And fuck if I'd stay under Carlisle's roof anytime soon.

Last night, as I'd sat in an immaculate and empty hotel room, surrounded by nothing but case files and the blue light from the TV, I tried to ignore the glimpses of the weekend that came to me as my mind wandered. Pictures of me, Bella and Nessie danced behind my eyelids like a home movie from someone else's past: sunny and suddenly distant. Two weeks ago, right after I'd broken up with Tanya, I would have been happy to have long, uninterrupted hours where I could work in peace, without the guilt of leaving someone's life unfulfilled, without feeling I'd neglected her. But now, I wanted more.

I broke up with Tanya because I couldn't make her happy, and I'd ended up almost believing that I could be happy too; believing that I could hijack some man's family for my own fucking pleasure. And instead of being content now that Tanya was out of the picture, I was alone. More alone than I remembered feeling since I was nineteen, since that day Alice found me.

Last night I didn't want to work in uninterrupted silence. I didn't want to text Lauren about last minute details. I wanted to whisper with Bella and watch Little Bell sleep. I wanted to laugh and throw pillows. I wanted to throw Bella onto the pillows, to pin her knees to her chest and finally take her, finally make her call me Edward while I was inside of her.

But instead, I'd settled on never seeing her again. Maybe I'd bump into her in a few years, when she had a couple more kids with Jacob. And she'd be embarrassed to look at me, and she'd go home and confess to the kid about how she kissed me once and almost ruined everything. And he'd shake his head with pity at the insignificance of it all, and he wouldn't even feel sorry for the lonely old shit that thought he could steel her out from under him.

And what the fuck would I go home to then? A text from my assistant? Piles of paperwork? Working out, eating a salad, staring at my mother's piano? After everything that happened last weekend, I didn't think I'd be going home to my family. Right now they were full of shit. Half of them were encouraging a relationship with an almost married woman, and then I had Carlisle talking to me like I was some wayward child, like he'd finally earned the right to say shit about my personal life. The fact that what he'd said was right made it all the more intolerable.

And without my family, and without Bella, it left me with my fucking work: with court cases, and paperwork, and depositions and shit like this. With the PLA, which I'd poured my heart into, which wasn't doing a fucking thing for me, tonight. I'd built this shit from the ground up. I'd helped thousands of scared kids avoid prison, get out of abusive homes, find jobs, finish school. But tonight it was exhausting, and I was empty, and I was going through the motions, on the edge of anger.

Tonight it was a hassle; tonight I'd prefer a boxing ring to any of this crap. I wanted to kick the shit out of something, and I wanted someone to kick the shit out of me: for bringing back that shattered look in her eyes. For turning away from her when she stumbled. For holding her wrist so tight that I'd left a mark, and for wanting her while I did it. I was a shit. It's why I left, and it's why I had to stay away.

When Jacob walked into the bar last night, my first impulse was my fist, his face. The kid saw me and went to purposefully take a seat on the other side of the room. I didn't know what she'd said, what he'd heard, but I figured that they must have still been together; otherwise there was no reason that he'd be there to see J. Jake was no country rocker. So I swallowed my fucking pride, and stopped him before he got too far, and told him the first nice thing I could think of.

"Nessie told me she thinks you're really cool."

It was a bizarre fucking thing to say, but Jake smiled, and I understood. Little Bell was golden, and having her heart was a gift. "You were there this weekend, then?" he asked, eyeing me cautiously, like I was about to pull the rug out from under him. I could of, but I kept that shit to myself.

"I got there late and I left early."

Relief washed over the kid's features. He didn't know. I relaxed enough to buy him a beer, to tell him how Bella told me she loved him. To make inane small talk about how Jake should take Nessie for swimming lessons because she loved the water and was fearless and as it stood she could drown, about how he'd have a shot at Eagles tickets with Emmett in the picture. And he drank his beer and smiled, and told me about the ring he got for Bella, along with her dad's permission, and how he was scared shitless because Bella didn't believe in marriage after all the shit with James.

I felt ill. Seriously sick. But I knew it was right. When I left Bella at the beach, it was to make sure she could have this life, and Jake was picking up the ball and running, when I couldn't.

"It'll help her keep Nessie," I offered.

"What?" He set his beer on the table.

"James is married. It would look better in court if Bella were married too, or engaged, at least. As it stands, the court sees her as a single mother."

His face brightened and he leaned towards me. "I hadn't even thought of that! She'd have to listen to that," he said, clapping me on the back, like we were in it together.

I didn't like the way Jake sounded, like he was coercing Bella into marriage. But that was her business. She loved him, she fucked him, she lived with him; the next step was a proposal in any normal fucking relationship.

"Edward!"

Jacob and I both jumped, and there was a flicker of that old mistrust in his eyes as we both stood to our feet.

Bella was radiant and happy, her eyes were bright, and her top shimmered and shook and showed off the bounce of her tits every time she moved. Every man she rushed past turned to look, and a few may have purposefully brushed against her ass, which happened to be encased in tight black leather. Bella didn't dress like that. That shit had Alice written all over it. When she saw us, she stopped in her tracks just like the kid and I had, and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she'd already had too much to drink. She looked at me while she said his name, and she looked at me while she kissed him, and I couldn't fucking watch anymore.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't hate her. I wanted to bolt, but I'd come there to talk. I hadn't counted on the kid; I'd counted on the crowd. I didn't trust myself alone with her. Besides stupid ideas of a family and a future, the most immediate thing I wanted with Bella Swan was to be balls deep inside of her, her tits pressed against me, her arms around me, my name on her lips. I may have been an asshole, but I wouldn't do that shit in a filthy bar.

"It's all done, Mr. Masen. It's set. Really set!"

No, I wouldn't fuck her in a bar, but I'd dream about it in a room full of funders. I rubbed my eyes, trying to find a way out of my fantasy, trying to concentrate on Lauren standing before me, beaming and confident. She held a clipboard one hand, and a walkie-talkie looking device in the other. She was on top of this shit.

"And it's turned out perfectly, Lauren. Thank you for all of your hard work."

Lauren smiled wider, pleased with herself, before fielding a question from the caterer over her walkie-talkie. I waited until the call was finished. "I have one more request, Lauren. I want you to call in a temp for the rest of the week. You deserve some time off. Paid time off."

"Really? I mean, _wow_. I mean, thank you! I do… I do deserve it, I mean!" Lauren looked like she might throw her arms around me, and I braced for the inevitable hug. But instead, she got a hold of herself, and attempted to look stern. "I also deserve a raise, Mr. Masen."

I smiled despite my mood, and Lauren squared her shoulders and tilted her head up to look me in the eye, nearly unblinking. It was hard to believe that three weeks ago I was ready to fire her ass.

"You're right, Lauren. I'll speak with HR." Her shoulders relaxed and she dropped her hands to smooth her simple, black strapless dress. "But we're not off the clock yet. We're the only ones here to make sure this night goes smoothly. Let's get this over with, and then we can put this shit behind us."

"Until next year," she offered. The idea of next year threw me off balance. I didn't know where I'd be in a year, let alone if Lauren would still be here. I'd never had an assistant for more than a couple months. And without Bella, I felt so adrift that I couldn't imagine going through he motions, like I had tonight, for twelve more months.

Lauren looked over her clipboard. "Well, your job this evening, Mr. Masen, aside from sweet talking money out of the guests, is your speech and award presentation between the main course and dessert."

"And I'm hoping that's a vegan dessert," came a deep voice that I'd know anywhere.

Seth's laugh was big and hearty as he bounded over to give me a one-armed hug. His tux looked slightly off, like maybe it hadn't been sized perfectly, and his tatts peaked out above his collar and showed at his wrists.

"Good, Mr. Cooper, you're here," Lauren said, studying the sheet on the clipboard in front of her, checking something off her list, probably Seth's name. The caterer piped up on the walkie-talkie again, and Lauren quickly excused herself, her eyes lingering on Seth's face before she dashed off with a quick wave.

"Dude, man, is she single?" Seth asked, watching Lauren's ass as she walked off.

"I don't fucking know."

"But isn't she your assistant?" Seth looked me over and shook his head. "You're an uptight bastard, you know that, Edward? You never talk about anything outside work with her, do you?"

I didn't have to answer the question. Seth knew me well enough. "Thanks for coming tonight, Seth."

"And miss out on my award? Not on your life, buddy."

_Award_. I snorted, and Seth laughed and hung his arm over my shoulders. He knew how I felt about that shit, too. The board had insisted on annual awards. They were benchmarks to show funders, proof that their money was working for these kids. I'd chaffed at the idea, though. We were trying to improve lives, and how did you give an award for living? Anyone might look at my life: my job, my bank account, my charity, and assume that I was a street kid that made it. But my life was shit at the moment, and if anyone had tried to give me an award I was likely to kick them in the balls.

Seth had been an easy decision, though. His life was good. He'd reconciled with his family, he rented this big place over in West Philly with a bunch of his friends, and he had his own business. Not to mention that at just twenty years old, he was one of the friendliest and most honest men I knew.

"So, is the cheese steak girl gonna be here?" he asked.

"What?" I hadn't told Seth shit about Bella.

"You know, the girl you bought the cheese steak for." He was grinning with false innocence. Seth owned a vegan café that specialized in cheese steaks. PLA helped him sort his way through the paperwork to make it happen, and I was part owner. I'd bought Bella's lunch there the day I'd picked her up from work. I had wanted them to meet. I'd actually planned on taking her to Seth's place from the time I made the bet about Rosalie and Emmett.

"How do you know it was for a girl?"

Seth just shook his head. "Dude, I couldn't get your food to you fast enough that day. You were all nervous, and you weren't listening to a thing I had to say. I told you I was going to bungee jump off the Ben Franklin and you just nodded and said, 'That's cool.'" Seth laughed, and I tried not to smile, remembering how I'd felt after texting Bella, when she'd told me she felt the same way I did.

"So, is she going to be here?" Seth asked again. "I've gotta ask her how she liked it."

The weight of what I'd done the night before fell on my shoulders again. "No. She won't be here tonight." My voice was clipped and laced with anger.

"Dude. She broke up with you? A sweet, outgoing guy like yourself?" Seth chuckled.

I didn't find Seth's joke funny, and I was about to tell him to mind his fucking business, when I saw trouble come through the front door. Katie walked in with her arm around some brunette I'd never seen before. Shit. When she said she wouldn't help, I'd assumed it meant she wouldn't be in attendance, either. I could only assume she was here to report to Tanya what a huge failure the fundraiser had been without them. Well, she could go fuck herself.

"Hey, Seth, there's something urgent I've got to attend to. Can you keep yourself out of trouble?"

"Maybe you should have your assistant watch me," he smirked. "Just to make sure I don't steal the silverware."

"Keep your hands off Lauren _and_ the silverware, just until after this shit is over."

Seth laughed and waived me away, and Katie caught sight of me as I quickly cut through the crowd in her direction.

"Edward," she started, looking nervous, tightening her arm around her date. "This is Mindy. You guys haven't met. I don't think."

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I hissed.

"Do you really want to do this here, Edward?" she asked, her voice lowered.

"Truth be told, I don't really want you here at all. You deserted me five days ago, and then tried to sabotage the event. And now you have the balls to walk in here like nothing happened? I'll refund the fucking ticket price, Katie. Just fucking leave. I don't have time for your family's shit tonight."

"Edward, listen. I backed out, but what was I supposed to do? Tanya's my sister, and it's her business too. I didn't think she'd actually try to make you fail. I didn't think she had it in her. But when I overheard her on the phone with Leroy -"

"Holy shit. It _was_ her? She was actually the one that got the band to cancel?" I'd really wanted to give Tanya the benefit of the doubt, but she was more of a vindictive bitch than I ever imagined. I know I'd hurt her, and I deserved shit for that, but this event was about much more than me. By getting in the way of funding PLA she was hurting the lives of kids that had already been screwed. Any chance she'd had of being part of my life again was destroyed in that moment.

"And anything else she could undo. I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't come here to cause trouble. I just wanted to support you and the work you do. And to introduce you to my girlfriend."

"Jesus, sorry," I said, really looking at Katie's date for the first time. She was pretty, and her hand was so thin that I thought I might crush her bones when I shook it.

"Everything looks beautiful," Mindy said, casting her eyes around the room. And it did look beautiful. We were on the top floor of my office building, where they had an old ballroom that was never used anymore. Three of the four walls were glass, so that we were surrounded by the lights of the city. Tables were dotted around the dance floor, wait staff bustled around the room with glasses of champagne and hoers d'oeuvres, and light jazzy music played in the background. J and his band were setting up backstage. They'd play after dinner.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Katie continued. "Tanya's just taken this so hard, and it was difficult to know what was real and what she made up. She's got all of these theories: that you're using again, or cheating on her, or that you were secretly gay." Mindy laughed nervously, and Kate wrapped her arm around her date's waist. "I knew that last one wasn't true. I think I would have known that by now."

It meant a lot that Katie was here and I didn't want her to misunderstand me. "When I saw you here, I thought -"

"I can only imagine," she cut in. "I tried calling."

"I haven't been taking personal calls." I'd had no time for the barrage of calls I'd gotten from my family all through the day.

"Oh, look, Emmett's here!" Katie remarked, looking over my shoulder. "And his date looks angry. I wonder what that's about?"

Fuck. Barely half an hour in, and my personal life was wreaking havoc with my work. I turned to see Rosalie trying to disentangle herself from Emmett's arms, and as a result, she was half-pulling him in my direction. The scowl on her face left no doubt that she had some very choice words for me, and my mind spun, trying to figure out a way to diffuse the situation before she made a scene.

"Babe, this isn't the place for this," I heard Emmett say.

"But this asshole wouldn't return my calls all day, Emmett," Rosalie growled.

"Maybe we should leave you to handle this, Edward," Katie offered squeezing my arm. "I don't want to get in the way."

"Thanks, Katie," I offered, mortified. "It's been… a pleasure, Mindy." Katie's date looked somewhat frightened as Rosalie approached, and the two women walked quickly towards the bar.

xXxXx

"I'm sorry, dude," Emmett began, but Rosalie shushed him with a wave of her hand.

"This isn't about you, Emmett. Edward and I need a moment."

As far as I could tell, whatever had her this angry didn't involve Rosalie, either. But that didn't seem to be stopping her. Emmett shrugged his shoulders and mouthed 'sorry', as if he couldn't simply sling Rosalie over his shoulder and leave. As if there had been no alternative but to bring her here. I shook my head at him, but really had no one to be mad at but myself.

"Listen, asshole," Rosalie began.

"I'd appreciate it if you kept your voice down, Rosalie. If you're determined to speak with me in public, at an event where I could have you removed, then I'd appreciate it if you could refrain from using profanity."

"That's fucking rich, _Assward_. You can't string three words together without saying 'fuck', and you ask me not to swear in public!"

"I don't have time for this, Rosalie. I have guests to attend to."

"You had the time to break my best friend's heart last night, so you'll make time for this!"

I wanted to tell Rosalie to close her fucking mouth, I wanted to tell her that I had nothing to do with Bella Swan's heart, I wanted to tell her that her best friend was probably engaged by now. But I remembered the fractured light pouring from Bella's eyes last night, and I shut the hell up. I deserved whatever she had to say, because I'd hurt the one person that I'd never wanted to hurt. I took Rosalie by the wrist and steered her toward the unused coat check. Seeing that she'd gained a foothold, she came along willingly enough, but shook me off the minute we were there.

"Take your goddamned hands off of me," she sneered.

"I didn't want to cause a scene."

"Last night you didn't seem to mind."

"Jesus Christ, Rosalie. You've never liked me. You, of all people, should understand that it's best if I get the hell out of your friend's life."

"And you think you're so goddamned smart that you can just do all of the deciding for her? You can just step in and tell her how it's going to be? That you could fucking re-write the past for her? I know about the goddamned kiss, Edward. How dare you tell her that it didn't mean anything!"

"Are you forgetting that Bella has a boyfriend that she happens to love, that plans on asking her to marry him? I shouldn't have been holding her hand when we saw Victoria, I shouldn't have spent all of that time with her, and I shouldn't have kissed her. In fact, I'd…" I was about to say I'd take it back, but I couldn't bring myself to utter the words.

But whatever I had managed to say had stopped Rosalie's angry tirade cold. "He's proposing?" she gasped.

I sighed. "Tonight."

"Oh no. Poor Bella! And Jake. Damn it! See, Edward. This is why you shouldn't keep this crap to yourself."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"She's been trying to break up with him, you idiot. I didn't even know. She keeps stuff like that to herself. But, she told me that she tried to tell you, like a million times. She said you wouldn't listen."

"But that doesn't make any sense."

"For a lawyer, you're really kind of slow, aren't you?"

"But she was just telling me how she loves him, how I, how… oh my god."

She was here. Bella was walking through the crowd with long determined steps. She found my aunt and Esme threw her arms around her. But Bella pulled away, gesticulating with her hands, angrier and more beautiful than I'd ever seen. Her hair shook with every word she spoke, her cheeks were red with fury, her eyes flashed and her breath came heavy so that her chest rose and fell, and rose nearly out of her dress. Esme held Bella's arms, and I could practically hear the soothing caramel tone of her voice. But Bella wouldn't be calmed; she shook Esme off and scanned the room.

"Don't hurt her again, you fucker. Try listening to her this time. And never forget that you don't deserve her."

I hardly listened to Rosalie. All I saw was Bella striding towards me, all I heard was the clacking of her heels on the floor, the sound of her breath, the sound her dress made as the fabric rustled against her legs.

"I can't believe you did that!" Bella's palm collided with my cheek, and half the room turned at the sound of the smack. There were tears in Bella's eyes, and she rubbed her hand in pain. I saw Lauren rushing in my direction, her walkie-talkie in hand, probably calling security.

"Not here, Bella."

"Stop telling me what I can and can't do!" Her foot stomped on mine, and I did my best not to yelp in pain.

"Fuck, Bella. You're going to get yourself kicked out. Come with me. Now!" I hissed. I grabbed her hand, and she gasped and her fingers curled. I rubbed my thumb over her sore palm as I limped and led her to the elevator bank. I was embarrassed, and anxious, and my heart was in my throat because she was here, with me. After everything I'd said to her last night, she'd marched into the fundraiser and slapped me in front of my family and all of my funders. It was the last thing I'd expected from someone as demure and soft-spoken as she was. Bella Swan fucking surprised me at every turn, and with every surprise, I loved her more.

We stepped into the elevator, and I held her hand, and I loved her more. I loved her. More. Holy shit. I loved her.

Her breathing was coming slow and steady and I watched the swell of her breasts as she breathed, the anger in her eyes and the set of her jaw. But she held my hand willingly, my thumb rubbing small circles into her palm. I didn't know what her presence meant. What any of it meant. What had she said to Rosalie? I'd broken her heart? Fuck.

There were only a few interns in the halls of the firm as I rushed Bella to my office, and closed the door behind us. I hadn't even turned around to face her when she started in.

"What the fuck, Edward? Why the hell would you do something like that?"

"I wanted to keep you and Little Bell safe, and staying away from my shit was -"

"That is _not_ what I _fucking_ meant!"

If she said 'fuck' one more time... I closed my eyes, trying not to find the way her hair was falling out of her bun alluring, trying not to let the burn on my cheek travel through the rest of my body.

"After the things I said to you, I understand why you'd be angry, but I only -"

"You're fucking dense, you know that, Edward? I can't believe you told Jake to propose to me! Fucking with both of our lives like that was -"

"Excuse me?"

"Did you or did you not tell Jake to propose to me?"

"If those are my choices, Bella, then the answer's no."

"You're telling me that Jake lied? Jake never fucking lies, Edward."

Of course the kid didn't lie. He did everything right. "He was worried about what you might say. So, I told him that it would help your case if you were married."

"And you sat there and chatted about me marrying Jake? Jesus, is that really all you care about? My case?"

"Of course I care about your case." I hadn't answered her question. I knew it. She knew it.

"Stop it! Just stop it!" She stomped her foot and I'm sure the sound echoed out into the hall. "I can't take it anymore!" With two long strides, her face was in front of mine, burning with rage, her shoulders shaking. I could hardly speak.

"What do you want, Bella?"

"I want you to be honest with me. What I am to you? A case? Something for you to win?"

"The only thing I ever had a chance of winning was your case. I'm not good for you. You know that. I've never had a meaningful relationship in my life."

"You've never tried. Wouldn't you even try for me?"

"Jacob doesn't have to try. He's there for you every day."

"Don't tell me about Jake! I know about Jake."

"Then you know how much that man loves you. That he would do anything for you."

"And you wouldn't? Is that what you're telling me?"

"I'm telling you that I care enough to want what's best for you."

"Don't stand there and tell me that you know what's best in my life! Who the hell do you think you are? Trying to push me to marry some man that I've been trying to end things with for days. Maybe you should have fucking talked to me first! Maybe you should have considered my feelings for Jake, and for you, you asshole! I'm not fucking perfect, Edward, but your actions last night were so far from what's okay, that it makes me want to scream.

"I spent so many years feeling dead, and I didn't even know it. And then I met you, and it was different. I don't want to just make it through life one day at a time, anymore. I don't fucking want that, Edward."

"What do you want?" I held my breath.

"Don't you know? I want you! I fucking want you, Edward."

"Fuck."

My lips were on hers, hard and insistent, and her back was against the wall. My palms were pressed against the wall on either side of her head. But her palms pressed against my chest, pushing me away.

"Not until you fucking talk to me, Edward."

"What do you want me to say?"

The hurt in her eyes returned. I'd put it there. I framed her face with my hands, holding all that I cared about with the love that she deserved. "Bella, I know we've only just met, and it doesn't make any sense, but I care about you so much that it scares me."

And she was the one to kiss me that time, her lips against mine, sucking my lower lip, her tongue all warmth and cinnamon, her leg winding around mine, and her dress was everywhere. My hands felt nothing but wispy fabric and a hard bodice. Bella twisted her arm behind her, and suddenly her breasts were in my hands, and I lifted her to bring them to my mouth, and the dress fell to the floor. Her legs wound around my waist, her flowers and salt scent was all around me. Her lips were on my ear, sucking, licking, soft, as she rubbed her blue lace-covered center over my aching erection. And it was wrong, but I didn't give a fuck anymore. She was in my arms, when fifteen minutes ago I'd thought I'd lost her forever.

Her voice was in my ear, deep and raspy, like I'd never heard it before. Like I'd imagined from time to time, but better. "Fuck me."

Holy fuck. In about five seconds my pants were undone, her soft folds running the length of me, wet, and I couldn't catch my breath, but I didn't care. I had my whole life to breath, and Bella was wet for me, the hard little knot of her nipple between my lips, her ass in my hands. My fingertips pulled at the delicate lace, ripping it away, and glided over her slit. She hissed and bit down on my earlobe.

"Fuck," she groaned, and it was too much. I lifted her, the head of my cock playing with her entrance, and she wriggled and bucked her hips, and she slipped in my hands and gasped, her tits against my face. I pressed her back against the wall, and her body slipped slowly, until finally I was inside, completely surrounded by her, and her eyes were before mine, her lips parted in a little 'o', her arms wrapped around my neck. And I could have come right there.

I breathed, I held her still, and I tried not to come. Her nose brushed against mine, a whisper soft kiss against my lips, the feel of her soft and wet and bare against my balls, and her thighs tightened around me, her heels at my ass.

"Jesus," I murmured.

"No. Bella," she giggled with a sly smile.

I laughed and lifted her, leaving only the head of my dick inside, and I thought I felt her walls tightening already. And with another thrust I was completely encased again, and she sighed, too loud. I covered her lips with mine, and took her too fast, but fuck, better that I could have dreamed: her weight, her skin, the way she could clench my dick, the way I felt her lips smiling as she kissed me.

Her breathing came harder, and she tugged my hair, her lips against mine, her words so soft, a breath more than a voice. "Jesus… Fuck… Edward -" And I erupted inside of her, my forehead against hers, our mouths connected, her breath and mine coming hard, exchanged, so we didn't know whose life was whose. And all was soft limbs, gentle caresses, small hands on my chest, on my face, soft lips I didn't deserve, coos and batting eyelashes, her silken hair wound around a finger, her name on my lips.

"Isabella, I -"

"Shh, me too. I know."

xXxXx

We were on the floor, my ear against her steadily thumping heart, the beat of her life. I lifted my head to gaze at her, and her eyes were open, full of something unnamable. I pushed her hair out of her face, behind her ears, my thumbs against her cheeks, and watched little dimples appear. "I haven't been able to get you out of my head since the day I met you."

Her small fingers brushed my lips. "Don't you dare say that was just a fuck."

"I could never, never… And do you have any idea what it does to me to hear you say fuck?"

Her smile grew wider. "A little," she giggled, and her breasts shook against my chest. "Fuck," she whispered.

She was playing, and I was all too happy to go along with it. I kissed her hard, and felt her fingers in my hair, and I wrapped my arms around her back, and pressed her body against mine, my semi-hard dick finding its way. But I held back, pulled away. "I'd never say that about you. I'm so sorry about last night. It was never just a kiss. It was the blackest of lies."

"I know," she said, kissing along my jaw. "That's why I was so angry."

"You were right about something else too," I murmured. She raised her eyebrows, pressed her palms against my chest, waiting for me to continue. "Well, about the, uh… practice of procreation… and joy."

"Joy?" she asked, delighted.

"More than I've maybe ever felt. It was that easy to find all along?"

"Easy?" she challenged.

"That's not what I -"

"It's okay, Edward. I'm happy too. For a man with a big vagina, you sure know how to -" and her words trailed off and she blushed. I laughed, thanking fucking god that I'd felt something on my ball that morning that Carlisle was out of the office.

"But I was right about at least one thing as well."

I could see in her eyes that she thought I was still joking, but I wasn't.

"You do need a new attorney." I had no intention of returning to a platonic relationship, and that meant our working relationship would have to end. She looked around for the first time since I'd brought her into my office, and she laughed, her small body shaking against mine, and I groaned and pulled her on top of me, so her eyes were shining down on me. I sighed, relieved that she didn't argue.

"Tell me what you want," Bella said, her tits brushing against my chest, her hands on either side of my face.

"I don't know Bella. I'm still fucked. But I want you, more than anything else I can think of. I want you."

Her lips met mine, triumphant, her hand held my face. Her pussy, so soft and wet, slipped along my length, teasing, her pubic bone was hard, pressing, dipping with each tilt of her hips. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I'd given her up, only to have her naked and on top of me, telling me she wanted me, that she didn't want him. She was sexier than fuck. Her eyes were on mine, her heels pressed against my legs.

And I knew it was all out of order, too fast, too soon, the wrong time and place. But I'd wanted nothing but this, I'd fought against this for almost a month.

But then I heard footsteps coming quickly down the hall and Lauren calling my name. There were more footsteps, and I could hear Alice's voice, too loud.

"I don't think he's down here, Lauren!" She was shouting. It was a warning.

"He better be!" Lauren replied. "He has a speech to give in about five minutes." Her voice was shrill and anxious. Too close. The door was locked, but Lauren had a key.

"Fuck."

I had Bella on her feet, behind me, and I could hear the swishing of her dress as she pulled it on. My fly was quickly zipped, my shirt in place, and my hair fucked like it always was. I turned to see Bella tugging up the zipper to her dress, the fabric was wrinkled. She tried to twist her hair back into place, but it was hopeless.

I took her face in my hands, kissed her lips, delighting in how amazing it felt, then ran my hands through her hair, pulling out the pins, letting the glossy strands fall around her shoulders. "I love it this way," I murmured, my lips against hers.

And after fucking me in my office, that was what brought out her bashful smile. Her cheeks went pink and her eyes darted towards my office door. A second later there was a loud knock.

"Maybe I should go," she offered.

"Not a chance," I said grabbing her hand. "I want you there."

"Are you sure?"

I unlocked the door, and opened it wide in answer. Lauren's mouth actually dropped open, and Alice stood a couple steps behind her, waving awkwardly, shrugging her shoulders in apology.

"Mr. Masen!" Lauren gasped. "You're, um, you're on, you know. Like really soon."

"Of course, Lauren. I had urgent business I had to attend to. So sorry."

"Right. That's what I assumed. Um, hi, Dr. Swan," Lauren said, beginning to offer her hand to shake, but then pulling it away.

"Lauren," Bella squeaked, grabbing my hand tighter.

The elevator ride back upstairs was silent. Lauren stared at her shoes, Alice at the ceiling, and Bella and I snuck glances at one another, smiling, still holding hands. My heart soared as the elevator rose, and I felt like I'd won something as Bella and I stepped out of the elevator together. Alice whisked Bella away to their table, and Lauren led me over to the podium.

Of course, the speech I'd prepared was meaningless, lost somewhere underneath a haze of sex and bliss. I watched Bella kiss Esme on the cheek, Emmett give her an enormous hug. Carlisle took her hand in both of his, and said something to make her smile. I watched Bella with my family, seated together, and my happiness grew.

**_Family, as need_**

**_Procreation, or the practice thereof_**

**_Joy._**

The room grew quiet as I took my place at the podium. I gripped the edges and cleared my throat. Bella beamed in my direction.

"I'd like to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight," I began. "I'd like you all to take a look around the room. Each person seated here this evening represents a child that will find help, find hope, and hopefully find a new life in the coming year."

I paused, people clapped, and I nervously ran my hand through my hair.

"Project Legal Advocacy is about hope. It's about taking the idea that you might be able to have something you never dreamed possible, and having the fortitude and faith to make that dream a reality. The teenagers we help each week come to us; motivated by the idea that they can change their life, and that they deserve more than they've been given. Through PLA, thousands of children have found better and safer homes, they've gotten off drugs, they've finished their education, and one after another, they come back and tell us their stories. They tell us how simple legal advocacy has changed their lives for the better.

"Personally, those stories are all that I need to hear. But this is about more than me, and the board assures me that people need more. So tonight, we're giving you more than a thank you, a tax break, and the assertion that your support makes a difference. And I have been given the opportunity to honor a former client that has become so much more. He's both my business partner and my friend.

"Seth Cooper came to us three years ago with a different request than most. He was homeless, like most of our clientele, and estranged from his family. But he came asking for legal help to open a business. He wanted to feed vegan cheese steaks to the masses." People laughed and Seth shook his fist at me in mock anger. "Anyone who knows me knows why this dream might have seized my imagination. I'm no business lawyer, but motivated by Seth's enthusiasm, we worked through contracts and loan applications, and against all odds, Seth opened the doors to Philly Veg-Steak one year later. Two years in, Seth Cooper's business is thriving, and he gives back to the PLA by hiring many of our current clients.

"It's with great pleasure that I present the PLA's first annual Leadership Award to Seth Cooper."

Seth took the stage, and smiled and waved, but I could see by the look in his eyes that the only reason he was up here was because I'd asked him to be. "I'm not saying a goddamned thing," he whispered in my ear as he gave me a quick hug and took his plaque.

"And uh, now, I guess the dance floor's open," I said into the microphone in place of Seth's speech. "Please give a warm welcome to J Whit and the All Stars."

As I made my way down from the stage to the sound of polite applause, the room was a blur of hand shakes, back slaps and words of congratulations. And every person there was an obstacle on my way back to Bella. Katie was one of those people, stepping into my path just as I thought I'd gotten through most of the crowd. One look at her and I could tell that something was very wrong.

"Katie, what is it?"

"You and Tanya deserved each other! You're both shits!"

"What?"

"You were cheating on her, weren't you?"

"What the hell do mean?" I tried to pull her aside, but she wouldn't let me.

"The one that slapped you, the one that is suddenly rumpled and smiling." Kate motioned towards Bella and my stomach turned. Bella tried to meet my eyes, but I turned back to Tanya's sister. "She's why you did it, isn't she? You were cheating on Tanya, so you broke up with her."

"Katie, this is none of your business, or Tanya's. We're not together anymore. And what the hell gave you that idea?"

"You've been broken up for like a minute, and suddenly your humping some slut in a corner somewhere?"

"Jesus Christ, Katie, would you lower your voice?"

"And again, with someone from Carlisle's office!"

The shock must have shown on my face. Katie smirked. "Yeah, Tanya knew about the nurse. You've moved up to a doctor now, huh? I saw Dr. Swan at your aunt and uncle's place a couple weeks ago. With her boyfriend. What a couple of assholes. Three assholes, actually."

I didn't want Tanya and her family in Bella's shit. I didn't want Katie speaking about Bella that way. I needed her to shut the hell up and go away.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Katie. Nothing happened between Dr. Swan and me. She works for my father. Nothing more. She's just a client and an associate, and you have an overactive imagination. I don't have time for this make-believe."

"Whatever, you fucking liar. It's just one lie after another with you. Just one slut after another."

Katie marched off, and Bella stood there in her place. She'd made her way over to Katie and me as we'd been arguing. By the look on her face, I could tell that she'd heard it all: my affair with Angela, my denial about my feelings for her. She shook her head slowly, tears trickling down her cheeks.

"Bella."

Bella turned and dashed out of the room. I did my best to follow her, but people seemed to come at me from all sides, trying to shake my hand, to talk, to ask questions. I got to the elevator bank as fast as possible, but she was already gone. I pressed the down button, and cursed and paced, and held myself back from punching the elevator door. Finally, unable to wait any longer, I decided on the stairs.

As I ran breathless and gasping for air through the lobby's revolving doors, I spotted Bella across the street, in front of the fountain, waving for a taxi. I jumped into the street, dodging cars with blaring horns, nearly knocking over a kid on a bike, until I stepped between her and the cab that had pulled up next to the curb.

"Don't go," I pleaded as she tried to push past me.

"I can't believe what I just did, what you just said."

"I was trying to protect you." I grabbed her shoulders and she pulled away from me.

"I don't need your lies to protect me! I came here to talk, and instead, instead… I made a fool of myself."

"No, never. Bella, I'm sorry. I want to talk. I'll do anything to make sure that you don't leave me. That this isn't it. I'm an asshole, but I'm trying so hard at good. For you, for your daughter. Say you'll talk to me. Say you'll try if I do?"

"Try at what?" she demanded.

"At everything. At whatever you want."

"I don't want to wonder. I don't want to be another person from your uncle's office that you fuck."

"You were always more. Bella, I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I'll go talk to Katie right now. I'll do anything. I love you."

Tears sprang to her eyes again, and she sighed and sniffled, and I was afraid. "Me too," she whispered, so low that I wasn't sure what she'd said above the sound of the splashing water in the fountain.

"What?" I asked, my hands on her bare shoulders. She shook as my hands touched her, but she leaned into me.

"Me too, you idiot. Me too. I'll try. Let's try."

I pulled Bella into my arms, my lips against hers, so soft, her tongue meeting mine halfway, her small hands in fists at my back. Her tears brushed against my cheeks, and I pressed my body flush with hers, hoping, nearly believing that I could make this work. That we could work. "Thank you," I murmured, my lips against hers.

The cabbie honked his horn.

"I should go."

"No, don't go. Please stay with me."

"I don't know if Jake's back home. There's too much up in the air. I need to work things out with him. I have to go. But, can we talk? Tomorrow? I could call at lunch."

"Noon?"

"Don't we always meet at noon?" she laughed a little as she wiped the tears from her eys, her hair blowing in front of her face. I pushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her softly.

She squeezed my hand before she climbed into the waiting cab, and I watched as it drove away. When I turned to walk back to the office building, Katie was standing there, her arms crossed over her chest, Mindy at her side. 'Asshole,' she mouthed, before grabbing Mindy's hand and stomping off down the road.

Fuck.

* * *

**A/N: Just a quick note about the story: Seth and Leah aren't related. That's why I changed his last name. Thanks for all of the reviews, and for all of your pimping and support. TPOL didn't win FFOTM over on facebook, but you guys and your votes really blew me away! I hope you liked this little chappie. I knew about it from the beginning, and have waited almost three months to publish it. Until next week, xxx, M**


	18. Chapter 15

**A/N: I tried to make this one a little interactive. To make the link work, please erase the spaces around the periods in the link within the text. As of 9/13/10 the link works, but you know how those things go. Lyrics are by Ra Ra Riot, not by me. Edward chose them because members of Ra Ra Riot and Vampire Weekend make up Discovery, Little Bell's favorite band.**

* * *

**BPOV**

Jake was gone. He'd been home, though. His tux had been tossed on the bed and some clothes were missing from his closet. His toothbrush was gone, and its absence irrationally offended me. He'd managed to think about his teeth right after I'd broken up with him. I saw it as proof that he didn't love me as much as he'd said, that we weren't meant for one another… like Edward and I were, maybe. Possibly.

I hoped.

I hoped Edward meant it when he said he loved me. I hoped he could figure out his feelings. I hoped I could believe him. But there was hurt that went along with the hope, because over the course of three days Edward had betrayed me, over and over again. Jake had never done that. Ever.

But I wanted nothing to do with Jake romantically. Because I told Edward to fuck me, and he did, against a wall, hard and quick, so that now I could feel it every time I took a step. So that I spent the rest of the night without panties on, because they'd been reduced to lacey scraps on his office floor. So that I felt calm and on fire all at once. And he'd smiled and laughed, happier and more at ease than I'd ever seen him. We joked, and he pulled me on top of him, and he was getting hard for me again, and I rubbed myself against him, until he was wet and ready, and we would have again, if his assistant didn't come looking for us. I could never go back to Jake after that.

Afterwards, Alice had whispered, "What did you do to him?" as Edward hurried towards the stage, beaming back at me so that my heart flip-flopped.

And with the combination of her question and his buoyancy, I was smiling from ear to ear, blushing. I was dazed enough to let Esme take me into her arms in a big hug, when I'm sure I still smelled like him, when I had no underwear on, when my hair was suddenly a mess. She whispered that it was good to see us both happy, that my smack had obviously done her nephew some good. I went even redder, and Carlisle said he was glad to see me. Without saying anything else, I knew he was acknowledging something, because the entire table was either giving me a knowing look, or looking away.

"You see the way he's looking right at you, right?" Alice whispered in my ear as we took our seats. But I could hardly watch Edward. It was too overwhelming.

"Did you finally, um, talk?" she tittered.

"A little," I whispered, before taking a sip of water. Alice laughed out loud at that, and I wanted to crawl under the table. But Edward's words kept me present. I might have been making it all up, but I wanted to think he wasn't just speaking about his charity, but about himself.

"_It's about taking the idea that you might be able to have something you never dreamed possible, and having the fortitude and faith to make that dream a reality." _

Maybe he could be happy. Maybe he could stop walking around thinking he was an asshole, or less than human, or something. And the way his bright green eyes watched me, the way those long fingers that curled around the podium had curled as they entered me, I felt certain that I was right, that something had changed.

"Um, Bella? I'm going to bed." Leah peeked her head into the bedroom and I jumped a little. I'd been sitting on the mattress holding Jake's tux in my hands.

"Oh, Leah, sure." She'd been in the basement when I came home, and I slipped upstairs, not wanting to face her after, well… everything. If she didn't already know about Jake and I, she would soon enough. She didn't need me to tell her right as I walked through the door.

"But I thought maybe, um, you might want to talk… about, uh, _it_?" Leah took a few steps into the bedroom, looking very beautiful, very uncomfortable, and very curious, all rolled into one. Her hair hung thick and loose, almost to her waist, and she was wearing a billowy white linen nightgown. Her thin feet were bare.

"_It_?"

"I guess it didn't turn out exactly right?"

My first impulse was to disagree, because I'd finally broken up with Jake, and Edward admitted he had feelings for me, and we'd … damn. I was getting flushed just thinking about it. But Leah was talking about Jake's proposal, of course. "You knew what he was planning, then?"

She laughed a little and took a few steps into the bedroom. "It was obvious, don't you think?"

I didn't answer. I was an idiot. It had been completely apparent to everyone but me. "Did he say anything when he came home?"

"No, not really. But he was angry, like really angry. Slamming doors, that kind of thing. And before he left he said he wouldn't be coming home after work tomorrow, that he wouldn't be around for a few days, at least. He made sure I'd watch Nessie until you got home. But I've got class tomorrow night, Bella. I've got to be out of here by like five thirty. Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay… with me. But, what about Ness? He's just going to bail on her?" Tears sprung to my eyes, and I was angry all over again, but at myself this time. It wasn't Jake's responsibility to say anything to my daughter, and he would have taken that responsibility if I had let him. It had all been my decision: having Jake move to Philly, move in with us, live with us for Nessie's entire life. And I hadn't just broken up with him, I'd waited until the last possible minute, I'd strung him along without even knowing it. He had a right to be angry.

Leah shrugged her shoulders. "What's he supposed to do after you said no? Did you really think things would stay the same after that?"

"That's not what I thought. I just figured… I don't know. I didn't think it would happen like that. It was a crazy night. You have no idea."

"Listen, Bella. We've both known Jake forever, right? We know what kind of man he is. Our families know, even. You think my dad would have let me come out here to school if Jacob Black wasn't here too? He trusted Jake with his daughter. And I know you did the same. So you got to trust that he'll do good by her. He's just got to work this out, right?"

"Maybe. But let me talk to Ness about this. Don't say anything to her, okay?"

"You crazy? No way I was gonna go there," she chuckled.

"I probably am crazy, but thanks for humoring me, for being here and dealing with our crap."

"Yeah, well, I'd do anything for Jake… and you and Nessie," Leah said, giving me an awkward one-armed hug. "Night Bella. You sure looked beautiful in that dress tonight."

"Thanks, Leah. Night."

I unzipped my wrinkled dress and placed it on the bed next to Jake's tux. I almost felt like my body wasn't my own as I walked over to the mirror and stood there naked, trying to find some evidence of the change that I felt inside. There was a little bruise on one of my nipples, and my lips, both above and below, were pink and slightly swollen, and there was a deepening thumb print on my ass. And while that was exciting, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. When I'd first put the dress on earlier, I'd agreed with Ness, I felt like Cinderella. But, as it turned out, midnight never came; the shoe was never lost. The Cinderella-ness wasn't in the dress, it was in me, and I was blown away that my slim, unimpressive figure housed so much passion and possibility.

I tried placing my hands were he'd had them and my heart raced a little with the memory. I braced myself against the mirror and slipped a finger between my folds. His fingers had been there. It was no fantasy that time, it really happened. There were practically witnesses, for god's sake. And as I dipped a finger inside, I winced and my legs buckled a bit. It chaffed and burned, in an almost good way.

And I did it again, and again, until the burn was a pleasant ache, a reminder. My fingers were too small, much too small, and I finally settled on my clit. I watched the hardening nipples he'd looked at, that he'd had between his teeth, and I watched the way my breasts trembled a little as I steadily moved my fingers. And I understood what the French meant by calling an orgasm a little death, because I died a little right there, in front of the mirror, with just my hands and Edward's memory:

_The way his eyes nearly glowed when he was finally inside me, and later when told me he loved me. The way he laughed at my joke while we fucked. The way he swore and smothered my mouth with his. _

I gasped and wrapped my free arm around myself and leaned my perspiring forehead against the mirror for support, as wave on wave of electric warmth washed over me. I was breathing hard, my bare skin alive and awake.

I should have showered, but I didn't want to. I could still feel him on my skin, and his sunshine scent was present in my hair. First I tried throwing on something sexy and sheer that I hadn't worn for Jake for ages, but it felt wrong. Instead, I crawled under the covers naked, wrapping myself in a cocoon of pillowy down.

It was a big bed with an iron headboard. I'd never slept in it alone for more than a couple nights here and there when Jake was away fishing, or when he'd passed out in front of the T.V. He always kicked off the covers, and then they'd get pilled on top of me in the night. He liked to wrap his arms around me while I slept, and with the heap of blankets and his body, I usually woke hot and sweaty, and not necessarily in a good way. But now, I was alone, and a little cold, and it was a relief.

Even though I knew it was too soon, I couldn't help but imagine Edward under the blankets with me. Edward, naked, on top of me. Or better yet, me on top of him, burrowed deep underneath white down, finishing what we'd started in his office. Would he hold my face in his hands and tell me he loved me again? Could it be tender and slow? Would his green eyes burn as I settled myself onto him? Would he let me roll my hips at my own pace or would his hands try to guide me? God, what did he like in bed? And a tiny, dazzled voice inside my head piped up and squeaked 'me!' He wanted me naked, he wanted to be inside of me. He wanted more than that, he was willing to try for a relationship. The idea was staggering and dizzying, and I wanted to tell someone.

But everyone I would have called was still at the fundraiser. I picked up my phone from the nightstand, cradling it in my hands, surprised to see that I had three texts. My heart raced and my hands shook, but the excitement was short lived. They were all from Alice.

Her first text said simply:** OMG. You did it again, didn't you?**

Underneath was a picture of Edward smiling, his green eyes half-hidden by heavy eyelids as he danced with Esme.

Her next text had nothing to do with Edward, though:** My man saved the day.**

She attached a picture of J in a slim-cut suit and skinny tie, singing as he strummed a big, old shiny guitar. The band behind him was also dressed in retro-formal wear, and there was a stand-up bass and horns, and even a guy on piano. It looked like they'd pulled it off.

Finally, she'd written**: I asked E to meet me for lunch tomorrow, but he said he had plans. I'm guessing I know what they are, judging from the look on his face.**

The photo attached was my favorite: Edward laughing, obviously trying to grab the phone from Alice as she took the picture. It ended up being more of a close-up of his hand. One look at those long fingers, and I felt charged all over, and pulled the covers tighter around myself.

My phone buzzed again as I held it. It was another text, but from Rose this time:

**Saw you run out. What did Assward do now? He doesn't even look upset. Please call me tomorrow and tell me it's finished and I'll come by with a pint of Ben and Jerry's to help you get over him. I'd come tonight, but I'll be busy getting Em out of his tux. Rose**

I cringed and tried to ignore the tears in my eyes, and went back to my Edward-scented cocoon. He said he'd try. He said he loved me. He hadn't looked upset because I told him I'd wanted the same thing. Things had simply gotten off on the wrong foot between Edward and Rosalie. She couldn't know how good he was inside.

Or she simply wasn't blinded by lust and the need to escape her deadening life. But I didn't like that thought at all.

I stared at the phone, willing Edward to call, hoping he'd text. I knew that he was still busy, that he wouldn't be finished for hours. He'd probably have to stay with Lauren to help make sure everything was in order after the last guest left. That idea left a bad taste in my mouth… thinking about that young girl in the little black dress alone with Edward in a dimly lit ballroom. She was cute, and they spent so much time together. I was pretty certain he'd never spoken to Lauren the way he'd spoken to me tonight. But apparently, he'd fucked around with Angela; maybe he'd been with Lauren too.

Ugh. I knew I was being unreasonable. But things seemed to be swinging a little out of control. No matter that I'd just broken up with Jake, that I'd only told Edward about my feelings hours ago. We'd somehow jumped to sex and love all before ten p.m.

I needed to come back down to earth. So I dialed a number I hadn't called in far too long.

xXxXx

"Hey mom."

"_Bella, baby, are you okay? It's almost midnight. Is it Vanessa?"_

"She's sleeping, mom. She's fine."

"_I can hear it in your voice, Bella. Something's off. I know you didn't call to chit chat in the middle of the night._" That was exactly what I needed. My mom got right to the point, always.

"I broke up with Jake, mom."

"_And you're upset about that_?" She sounded surprised.

"Mom, we were together for four years!"

"_Well, sure. And he loved you; that was plain. But he never had your heart, Bella. It was only a matter of time. I'd like to say I'm surprised you two were together as long as you were. But you were always so responsible, so thorough, so determined to do right_. _I'm sure you had to give it a good try before letting go."_

"You didn't think I loved him, and you didn't say anything?" I tried to keep my voice down.

"_Would you have listened to me or yelled at me if I tried telling you something like that?"_

I sighed. I didn't need to say anything. We both knew the answer. Hell, I might have kept Jake around even longer if she'd said something.

"_Are you looking for me to tell you that it was the right thing to do_?" she asked.

"No." There was a ring of petulance in my voice. My mom had already managed to hit on the one thing I'd done wrong: I'd stayed in the relationship too long. I hadn't called to tell her she was right. I'd wanted her to put things into perspective.

Ever since I was a kid, she had a knack for doing that. Maybe it was because she was always so far removed from my life; she could see the broad strokes without getting distracted by the bullshit. Maybe, for someone like me that was never raised religious, she was my own personal version of god. She was distant, but she loved me, and she always told it to me straight.

"_This isn't just about Jacob, is it_?"

Yep, even a thousand miles away, she was good.

"No."

"_Out with it, baby. I can't stay up all night_."

"Um, mom, I, uh… I like a boy."

"_A boy_?" my mom laughed.

"A man, mom."

"_Oh, honey, do you really?"_

"I do. I really do."

"_And does he like you?"_

"He does. He told me tonight, mom. He said he loves me."

My mom squealed on the other end of the phone.

"_Tell me about him!"_

"His name is Edward. Edward Masen. And he's a lawyer. He's really good, he has like, an amazing reputation, even though he's pretty new. But it's more than that. He's funny sometimes, and he gets me, and he's into music, and we ran together a couple times. God, I don't know if that even made any sense."

"_Oh, don't worry about that. I didn't hear a thing you just said about this Edward fellow. I just liked listening to your voice when you were describing him. Oh honey, I've always hoped for this for you. Finally_."

"Mom, we just met. I mean, that's the thing. Everything is suddenly going so fast."

"_And everything with Jake went so slow. But did that turn out to mean anything? Baby, sometimes, when you feel something this strongly, time doesn't matter. It is what it is. Why deny it?"_

"I don't know, mom. I worry."

"_You always have. Maybe you should just enjoy yourself, though, for a change."_

Of course, there was more to it than that. Our lives were so intertwined: between his work and mine, and between his family and my friends. And there were our pasts to deal with, both distant and more recent. But the way my mom saw it, we were just a guy and a girl that were really into each other. And suddenly, despite everything that was swirling around us, it seemed that simple.

"Maybe," I allowed.

"_Now go to bed, baby. I have nothing planned for tomorrow except Bloody Mary's by the pool, followed by Thai yoga bodywork. My responsible daughter, on the other hand, will get up with Vanessa, go to the gym, work twelve hours, then bake twelve pies for the PTA, oh, and probably feed Philadelphia's homeless after her daughter is in bed."_

I laughed, because with the exception of the pies and the homeless, she was exactly right.

"Okay, mom. Night."

"_Do you feel better, baby?"_

"I do mom."

"_Then my job here is done."_

I curled up under the covers, my phone in my hand, staring at the picture of Edward laughing. Yeah, the picture of his hand. I told him I'd call him tomorrow. I couldn't wait.

And sometime in the night my phone buzzed, waking me from a deep sleep. I sheepishly realized that I'd fallen asleep with Edward's picture besides me. But as I went to place the phone on the nightstand, I gasped, staring at the phone with stunned satisfied, like I'd just split an atom or something. It was a text from Edward.

**My bed's too big. Until tomorrow.**

**http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=asY08yquddo**

**E**

I snuggled up to the Phone again and clicked on the link he'd sent. My heart nearly beat out of my chest as I listened to the lyrics that I knew so well. Edward must have figured out that I knew Ra Ra Riot, since Ness liked Vampire Weekend and Discovery. And this was about the sweetest song in the world. I lay awake, knowing Edward was also laying awake thinking about me. Eventually, I dreamed of arms and legs and green eyes, and pink lips with bite marks, and long fingers, and 'I love you's'.

xXxXx

I went against my baser instincts and showered on waking, losing Edward's scent down the drain. But the burn was still there between my legs, aching every time I walked. That couldn't be washed away. And the song he'd sent me was on permanent repeat in my brain. I hummed it as I washed my hair. Not to mention, I'd be speaking with him in only a few short hours.

With those happy thoughts satisfying me for the time being, I chose my prettiest underwear; a black and lacey bra and panty set with pink piping. On a whim, I plucked the matching garters out from the drawer. It certainly wasn't what I usually wore to work, but underneath my pencil skirt and man-tailored shirt, no one would be the wiser. And I'd be wearing it when I called him. Yep, that was the kind of thing Edward could get me to do: slap him in front of a room full of people, fuck him in an office, and show up for my job wearing garters. I hardly recognized this woman from the person Edward met almost a month ago.

Breakfast flew by without a hitch. If Leah noticed my brighter mood, she didn't say a thing. Since Jake usually left for work before she woke, Ness had no reason to think anything was different from the normal routine. But tonight she'd miss him and the two of us would be alone in the house. I would have to say something then. I couldn't wait indefinitely for Jake to show up and talk to her.

I lingered at home with Ness, drawing the morning out, playing with My Little Ponies, laughing, chasing, and dancing to songs on her iPod, with the dawning realization that Ness and I were a family. A real family. Just the two of us. That this was our home. Even though Jake had never been oppressive in the least, I could feel how his presence had affected me. While he brought a measure of security to my life, my own feelings had been tamped down, lost under the weight of obligation. Together with Ness, running through our home, I was happy.

I vaguely noticed the black car back outside my house when I left for work. I'd have to talk to Edward about that. While I didn't like Victoria lurking around my world, she was just an annoying and aging groupie, without a band to follow. Security was overkill.

I didn't have the luxury to think about it much, though. All that time playing with Ness had left me late for work, and I rushed across town to get to the office appropriately early. Between a slew of patients and coordinating the electronic transfer of medical files, I had a busy day ahead of me.

Luckily, I found parking right across the street from the office. I dashed across the street and pulled my office keys out of my bag, hoping that I had time to get settled before I pulled patients' files for review. But just as I was fitting my keys into the lock, the door swung open.

"Good morning, Dr. Swan." Carlisle stood back so I could enter.

"Oh, Carlisle! Morning," I chirped nervously. Carlisle had been very professional yesterday at the office. Too professional, maybe. We'd passed in the hall and had exchanged smiles and pleasantries. He'd asked at lunch how the electronic file transfer was progressing, but I'd been so distracted about trying to get in touch with Jake, that my answer was completely vague. But he'd seemed as uncomfortable as I was, and he let it go at that.

I smiled awkwardly and started down the hall to my office. I'd never let my personal life bleed over into work before. I knew Carlisle had some pretty harsh opinions about Edward and me, enough to persuade Edward to leave the beach early. But I had absolutely no idea how to broach the subject, and honestly, I don't know that I wanted to. I'd rather just work in uncomfortable silence.

But Carlisle caught up with me halfway down the hall, and I knew I wouldn't be so lucky.

"Dr. Swan?"

"Yeah?" I pleaded silently for him to leave things alone. Unsurprisingly, he didn't listen.

"I'm sorry you had to leave as early as you did last night. It turned out to be a lovely evening."

"Oh, um, yeah, me too. Alice sent me pictures, though. It looked like fun."

"It was."

He stopped in front of his office door, smiling stiffly, his hands in his pockets. He was a good-looking older man: tall, thin, and blond. He had icy blue eyes and a square jaw that reminded me of Edward.

I hoped that was all he had to say. "Well, then, if that's it, I should check my messages before…"

"Dr. Swan, I don't know how to say this..."

_Uh-oh. _

"Oh, um..." I gulped. I fidgeted. I felt like I was twelve and getting in trouble.

"When I hired you, Dr. Swan, I intended to provide employment for an exceptional physician. And you are, don't get me wrong. I'm so pleased to have you here. But in six weeks you've become much more. My family likes you, Dr. Swan… some members more than others."

He paused and cleared his throat. I tried to figure a way out of what was coming next, but outside of running for my office and locking the door, I had nothing. "You think?" I squeaked.

Carlisle grinned. "You're very intelligent, and I trust that you can keep your work and personal life separate, no matter how complex a task that might seem. I was selfish when I spoke to my nephew this past weekend. I didn't want to lose you, and I still don't. I hope that no matter the outcome of… _things_ with Edward, you would stay on here."

"Oh, um, well, Carlisle. I'm really happy here. Thanks." I didn't know what to say. Edward and I had been together for less than twelve hours, and now I was talking to his uncle about it. It seemed wrong.

But Carlisle, at least, looked relieved. And when I thought about it, so was I. I had been afraid there would be an ultimatum or harsh words, or some threat to fire my ass. He was leaving it up to me. That was nice.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it, Dr. Swan. Now I might officially be off the hook with my wife. She's tenacious. I believe she's where Alice and Emmett get it from." Carlisle patted me on the shoulder. "I have my first training session today using our new filing system. Wish me luck."

"You'll do just fine, Carlisle. I think it will really streamline things around here. Not to mention, unclutter our desks."

"You see what I mean? You're already indispensible."

"Have a good day, Dr. Cullen."

"You too, Dr. Swan."

xXxXx

I held my phone in my hands. It was noon. But, if I called exactly at noon it would probably look too needy. I watched the seconds tick by until it was three minutes past twelve and picked up the phone again. My stomach jumped as I scrolled to Edward's number, and I thought about waiting a little longer. But it might seem like I didn't care enough if I waited until five minutes past the hour. I compromised and dialed his number at four past twelve. It rang, over, and over, and just before it went to voicemail I hung up. I hated voicemail. I hadn't planned on voicemail.

What the hell was I supposed to say? "_I said I'd call you, so I'm calling, and I really hope you still want to talk?_" No. That would sound too insecure.

"_I said I'd call, so I'm calling, but now you're not picking up, so I'm starting to doubt your sincerity._" No. I wasn't that crazy, was I? At least I couldn't let Edward think I was.

"_Hey, it's Bella. Give me a call sometime._" No. That was too non-committal.

I was smart. I could wing it. I picked up the phone, pressed re-dial, and vaguely heard the new intern giggling with someone at the front desk. She buzzed my line just as Edward's phone began to ring on the other end of my cell. Someone's cell phone began ringing out in the reception area.

"Dr. Swan?" Heidi called down the hall when I didn't pick up. I clicked my phone closed in frustration, planning on marching down the hall and telling Heidi that if I didn't answer my phone, yelling for me was not an option. But right after I'd hung up my cell, the ringing in reception stopped as well.

Holy crap.

I tried not to get my hopes up, but my heart wouldn't play along. It felt like it was trying to beat its way out of my chest. I smoothed my skirt, popped a mint into my mouth, and opened the door to my office with a shaky hand.

"She's not answering, Mr. Masen. Let me see if I can get her for you."

Oh my god. And I was worried about calling too early. I couldn't contain my smile, and it took all of my self-restraint not to sprint down the hall. Heidi nearly fell over backwards as I half jogged into her. She'd left her post to come find me. "Dr. Swan! You surprised me. I was just…"

I didn't hear another word of what Heidi had to say. Edward was standing at the counter, biting his lip, trying not to smile, failing miserably. The left corner of his mouth curled higher, so that he suddenly had a dimple I'd never noticed before. My eyes lingered on his lips and his teeth. I remembered the small bruise I'd found on my nipple this morning. His mouth had done that. My knees went a little weak.

"Mr. Masen?" I breathed.

"Dr. Swan," he replied.

We stared at one another, and I realized that Heidi had finally fallen silent. She looked between us for some clue about what might be going on.

"I'd just called you," I admitted.

Edward's smile grew impossibly wider and he held up his cell. "I know."

At that moment, Ben opened the door to the break room and Angela's voice carried down the hallway. "_Well, yeah, Dr. Cullen, that's just great for Edward. I'm so happy to hear that it went so well for him last night_." Even from a distance, you could pick up the sarcasm in her voice. Jesus. I glanced up at Edward, and I could tell he hadn't heard Angela. In fact, it looked like he might lean across the counter and kiss me. As much as I might want that, it certainly wouldn't help keep my professional and my personal life separate.

"Hold my calls, Heidi." My voice was too high-pitched, even as I tried to act authoritative. I turned to Edward, and noticed he might have been holding his breath. "Perhaps we could meet in my office, Mr. Masen? Seeing how the break room is taken."

Edward raised his eyebrows, but didn't put up any argument. His hand brushed against mine as I held the door open for him, and I jumped a little at the pleasant way his touch stung. I walked as quickly as possible to my office. He was right behind me, his breath on the back of my neck, and I was so wound up that I was sweating, embarrassed, scared, and….

The door was hardly closed before his lips found mine, his hands on my face, around my back, on my ass, and he pushed me up against my desk, my bottom sliding over the top, so that I was half-sitting, half-leaning, my legs spread, his body between my thighs. He pulled away too soon.

"I missed you. I always miss you," he murmured, his hands playing with my hair. My heart skipped and I wrapped my arms around his body and pressed my face to his chest, inhaling, trying to think straight.

"I was afraid you'd change your mind again," I admitted.

"Not a chance," he said, his chin resting on my head. "I didn't have any doubts about you Bella, only about myself."

"And now?"

"I can only promise to try. But, I know that's not good enough, for you. It's so much less than you deserve."

"Are you kidding?" I looked up into his bright green eyes, watching the gold speckles around his irises, like the sun was shining through them, making me tingle all over.

His arms wrapped around me tighter, and he bit his bottom lip again. I noticed the little red line where his lip looked permanently scarred from his habit. "I wish it was always as easy as this," he murmured. "It's always better when I'm with you." He kissed me, and his hand moved to my thigh, reaching under my skirt, around to my ass. "What?" he asked, running his hand over my garter. Crap. I'd totally forgotten. I felt my cheeks growing warm.

Both his hands quickly found their way under my skirt, and he was smiling, like he had an inside track on a joke. "Fuck, Bella. Do you always wear this shit to work?"

"No," I gasped. I pressed my forehead against his chest again. His hands ran along my bare upper thighs, along the edge of my panties. Between my legs I was throbbing, burning, wet, and I watched the growing bulge in Edward's suit pants. Both of us were breathing hard. He placed one hand under my chin, tilting my head, so that I could see his burning eyes, leaving no doubt what was on his mind. My leg missed his hand and I wiggled closer to him.

His lips were on mine again, burning and bright, and I slid my hands down his back, over his ass. And he sighed into my mouth and moved his hips, brushing against me just slightly. I pulled myself closer, pressing myself against him, electricity running over and under my skin. He pulled my skirt up to my waist, out of the way completely, grabbing my ass, under my panties, murmuring, "Fuck."

Suddenly, his hands were under my arms, pulling me to my knees so I was kneeling on my desk in front of him, and we were face to face. My fingers ran along his jaw, fisted his hair, and I was overwhelmed by the idea that his whole body might be mine to touch. His fingers ran lightly down the front of my panties, running over my lips, my clit, over and over, until I was nearly panting.

"Why?" he asked, running his fingers over my folds again, and I shivered and blushed once more.

"Girl's night. The salon. It was my first time," I mumbled.

He smiled like a kid. "Mine too. I like girl's night."

And I could hardly look at him. His fingers probed, running between my lips, then dipping inside and I gasped, sore.

"What?" His eyes were questioning, and there was no end to my embarrassment.

"A little sore," I murmured, my eyes on the impossible bulge in his pants, disbelieving. Did he have to ask?

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I should have been more careful."

"Next time?" I asked.

"Fuck," he hissed, under his breath.

"Fuck," I repeated in my best faux sexy voice. And he kissed me again, his hand petting and soft, teasing, until I was dying for more, no matter what condition I was in. Instead, he pulled his hand away and I felt his deft fingers on my chest, and the top buttons of my shirt were quickly undone.

"Jesus," Edward murmured under his breath as he pulled a breast free from my lacey bra. His hands were suddenly under my ass, lifting me just slightly, as he licked and sucked his way downwards until his teeth locked over my nipple. By now I could feel wetness coating my inner thighs and I tried to press them together, but his hand nudged my legs wide, so he could run his hand over me from behind.

"You've got the most beautiful tits," he murmured to my cleavage, his face between my breasts, which were being pushed skywards by my bra. And with my skirt around my waist, my tits pulled free, my shirt undone, I was so turned on, I didn't think I would ever be able to go back to work.

_Work._

I looked at the clock and then at the locked office door, trying to remind myself that Carlisle was just on the other side of the partition. I had a patient in ten minutes. Holy crap.

"Is this why you came?" I managed.

I broke the spell, and Edward lowered me to the desk. At least he kept his hands on my ass, his fingers still straying. "I came because we need to talk."

"We're not talking," I chuckled.

"Not exactly, no," he said, smirking, kissing the corner of my mouth. "I just wanted to see you. The rest… these," he said, his eyes wandering as he snapped a garter, "your fault."

"I didn't think you'd see them. After last night, I felt, um… sexy."

"Jesus Christ, you don't need these to be sexy." Edward's hands ran along the garters, up my thighs, until he was holding my bare hips, until he was pulling me against him, so I could feel how hard he was. He held my hips tightly in his hands, but I managed to wriggle just a little, rubbing my pussy against his erection. He closed his eyes and air whistled between his teeth as he took a sharp intake of air.

"I swear I didn't come here to fuck you," he whispered, his eyes still closed.

"Would you?"

"Christ, Bella. My uncle... and you're sore. And no matter how amazing last night was, you're much more to me than an office fuck." He tugged the edges of my blouse over my breasts, and I knew he was right. I couldn't have sex with one of my patients in my office. Seriously, what was happening to me? My boss just spoke to me specifically about remaining professional, and here I was half-dressed in my office, for crying out loud.

"How is my uncle treating you?" Edward asked, as if he could read my thoughts.

"He told me he doesn't want me to quit."

"He hasn't given you a hard time, then?"

"No, he's been, well, he's been Carlisle, you know? Formal and nice."

"Thank fuck," Edward said, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

"How was J?" I asked.

"Amazing, really. I swear, I think there was something about his voice that made people want to give more." I could tell that he was relieved to have the benefit behind him. "But your friend hates me, you know."

"I know. She didn't say anything else after I left, did she?" I asked, cringing.

"Not another syllable. Somehow, that made a bigger impression than if she'd chewed me out again."

"I'm sorry about Rose."

"You ever think you should listen to her?"

"Sometimes," I admitted. "But never when I'm with you."

"Then maybe I should never leave."

"I missed you last night," I murmured, and he smiled, and ran his fingertip over my lips. I kissed his finger, and resisted the urge to slip the length of it into my mouth. "Thanks for your text. And the song."

"You liked it?"

"I think you knew I would."

"I have great powers of deduction, especially when I'm awake, alone, with nothing to do but, well…"

"Surf the web?" I asked, laughing a little.

"Something like that. I meant what I said last night, Bella." I knew what he was referring to immediately. My heart fluttered, and I kissed him this time. With his lips on mine, I knew. The way he held my face in his hands, I knew. The way I could feel his pulse pounding in his veins, I knew. He loved me. And I was scared, because I knew how I felt too, and it was too soon. Last night I'd almost said it. I loved him.

"Me too," I whispered against his lips. It was the best I could do.

Edward pulled away and glanced at the clock. "When can I see you again?"

"Soon?"

"How soon?"

"Tonight?" I offered. "Leah's with us this week because Ness is between camp and school. But she has class tonight, and she's meeting some friends afterwards. Maybe you could stop by, after Ness is in bed."

"Asleep?" he asked. His giddy mood seemed to slip, and I realized that he wanted to see my daughter.

"It's too soon for that, Edward. She doesn't even know about Jake yet. I have to tell her tonight."

"Fuck. What about Jake?" And was no longer touching me. He leaned back against my chair, leaving just a few inches between us. But he might as well have been across the room or on the sidewalk outside. I wanted him back in my arms.

"He left before I got home. He told Leah he won't be home for a few days, and he told me that he needed time before he could talk to me."

"And you want to talk to him?" Edward sat in my chair and cradled his face in his hands.

"Of course I do," I said sliding off the desk.

"Of course," he muttered, and I watched his foot start to tap nervously on the floor. I didn't want to upset him, but I only broke up with Jake yesterday. I couldn't just walk away without a word.

"We lived together, we shared a life. We have, I don't know, common property. Not to mention Ness."

Edward slid his foot out in front of him so his shoe touched mine. I felt that same jolt of pleasure all over again, and wondered if it would ever fade. "You're right, Bella. You're just a better person than I am."

"I don't know about that. He's not getting my house."

Edward pressed his lips into a tight line, and he rubbed his fingers over his eyes. "About that, about _her_ family… Katie saw us kiss last night."

"Oh…"

"I don't want to think she'd do anything with this information, but I'll bring a list of attorneys tonight. We can go through them together. I hate to think what I may have done by -"

"Shh, Edward." I slid onto his lap like it was made for me. "What _we_ did. I wouldn't take back a thing. Would you rather I was your client and you were my patient? Would you like to keep pretending?" I didn't ask if he would rather walk away again. That hurt too much to consider. Especially when I was seated in his lap, especially with his large hands wound round my waist, especially as he gazed apologetically into my eyes.

"I can't have a professional relationship with you, Bella. I tried that and failed. And I don't think we could ever be friends. I want to fix all the other shit and make it right between us. I want that… a lot." His lips were soft against mine, his hands tangled in my hair, and I lost myself for a minute. We were limbs and lips and electricity, and lots of rustling of clothing.

"Wow," I murmured, giggling a little. He'd made me giggle from the very first time we'd met.

"Are you laughing at me?" he asked, his lips at my ear.

"No, I'm…" and a million words were running through my head: overwhelmed, excited, awed, scared, turned on. But I knew the one I needed to use. The one he needed to hear. "I'm happy, Edward."

"Good." His smile was easy as he settled his large hands over my shoulders. "It must be because of your sexy little shoes." I looked down at my little navy flats and kicked out my feet, and we both laughed.

Comfortable and durable footwear

"I guess you need another doctor, too, then."

"As a matter of fact, I was just asking your new intern to fax over my files. It's done. I had my temp call and make the changes this morning."

"What? You're kidding!"

He shook his head; he twirled his fingers through my hair. "I'm extremely fucking serious."

Another kiss and I was lost again, overwhelmed. Edward pulled me against him. His tongue swept over my lips parting them, before he nipped at my bottom lip. I'd never been kissed so well in my entire life. My ass was in his hands, my breasts found their way out of the still unbuttoned shirt, and they rubbed against the silk of his tie and the cotton of his shirt as I swung one leg over the both of his. I settled over him, finally where I wanted to be, and I couldn't wait for the time when we didn't have all of this clothing in the way.

And at that moment, my phone buzzed to life. "Dr. Swan? You're twelve-thirty is here," Heidi's cheery voice sang on the other end of the intercom.

Edward immediately lifted me off of his lap, his hands ghosting over my hips, my ass, and my thighs as he tugged my skirt down. As I put my breasts away and buttoned my shirt.

"What time, tonight?" he asked, his hands lingering on my hips. It reminded me of the time he bumped into me in his aunt and uncle's garage. I couldn't believe that was less than three weeks ago.

"Eight-thirty, I guess. We'll really talk this time?"

"We'll try," he said with a smirk and a meaningful raise of his eyebrows. "But, in all seriousness, there are things we desperately need to discuss: Victoria, James, your case."

"Not just about my case, I think. About us too." And that unhinged insecurity I saw that first day I met Edward returned in the blink of an eye. I didn't know how to reassure him, except to hold him. I wrapped my arms around him, but his body was stiff; he was holding back. "Edward, this is just moving so quickly. Jake just proposed to me yesterday."

"Jesus, Bella. Maybe I shouldn't come tonight. If you need time, if you're not -"

"Just listen, please, listen before jumping in and making any more decisions!"

Edward took a step backwards, but this time I held onto his hips. I knew he was worried, but even so, I thrilled with the easy intimacy of that touch. "Edward, I was just with Jake, but in a way I was never really with him. I guess I never let him in. After James, I think I kept my heart guarded. And it just kind of sat in my chest, ignored, for a long time. Until I met you, and I couldn't ignore it anymore."

Edward still looked scared, his eyes looked panicked, but he held my head in his large hand, and kissed the top of my head, and asked me to let him try, to give him the time, to give us a chance.

"Can I ask you the same thing?" I murmured, my lips against his chest.

"It's done." I felt his words reverberate through his chest, and I laid my head against him, hoping we could make it right.

He took my hand and actually kissed the top of it, before kissing me once more on the lips, and he was gone.

xXxXx

"Can we talk, baby?"

"We talkin' now, mama."

We were talking, about Nessie's My Little Ponies. Pinkie Pie was nervous about going to preschool full-time, and she missed Ewoord. I didn't even know that Pinkie Pie and Edward had met. I tucked the covers around Ness and climbed into bed next to her. She snuggled up to me, her head buried against my chest

"Could we talk about something else, maybe, Ness?"

"About how much I lo' you? I lo' you up to the moon, mama."

I hugged Ness tighter and kissed her head. I didn't know how to do this, and I was slightly angry at Jake for not being here with me. But I reminded myself that he would have been her father if I had let him be. I had no one but myself to blame for this. "About Jake, sweetie."

"Where Jake is?" she asked, her big brown eyes flashing in the light from her night light.

"Jake needs some time alone right now."

Her brows furrowed. "He getted a time out?"

"No, not exactly. I want you to know that Jake loves you very much."

"Up to the moon?"

"Higher, I think."

"All the way to space?"

"Higher, baby."

"That's a lot," Ness cooed, nodding her head for emphasis.

"It is. And you know that Jake loves you even though he's not here, right?"

Nessie looked confused, and scrunched her face trying to piece together something in her mind. "But… but… but, mama, how can he lo' me if he gone?"

"Because he carries a tiny little piece of you in his heart."

"That's so silly," she said, giggling, hugging me tight.

"It's true."

"From the times when he eated me all up?" She was talking about a game she played with Jake, where he would chase her around the house, saying she was so sweet he'd eat her all up. It always ended in the kitchen, where he'd throw her onto the counter, and make 'nom, nom, nom' noises, while he pretended to chomp away at her thighs and her tummy, until he covered her with a dishtowel, and pronounced her officially eaten.

My eyes felt a little teary, and I hated myself for making this decision for Ness, taking Jake away from her.

"No baby. I think it's from when Jake first saw you, right after you were born."

"Oh. I not remember that." I smiled and wiped a tear from my eye.

"Jake loves you, Little Bell."

"Ewoord calls me that!"

"He does."

"Ewoord sayed he'd put his mama's song on my pink music."

"He did?"

"His daddy died. He doesn't have a daddy eiver, like me. But Car-isle is like his nother daddy."

"I wanted to talk about Jake, baby."

"Okay, mama."

"Jake and mommy want different things."

"Cause you is a girl, and Jake is a boy?"

"Jake's not going to live with us anymore, honey. But he still loves you, and he still wants to see you, and to hang out with you."

"Will he sleep with you in the big bed?"

"No."

"Cause he not my daddy. Right? Daddies sleep in big beds with mommies?"

"Jake is a good man, Ness. And he wanted to be your daddy a lot. He cares about you just like a daddy."

"What about Ewoord? Does he lo' me?"

"Edward's a friend, and he cares about you a lot too. You're a lucky girl to have so much love."

"Could Ewoord be a daddy?"

"Some questions are complicated, Ness. That's one of them. Edward was sick once, and being a daddy would be hard."

"But he could be a pretend daddy. Right?"

"I think it's a good idea to think of Edward as a friend right now. You just met him, baby."

"But I lo' him a lot."

I held myself back from saying that I did too. I helped her pop the ear buds into her ears and made sure her iPod was turned down low to one of Edward's lullabies, and Ness settled into bed and closed her eyes.

* * *

**A/N: I really encourage you to try that link above. I've thought about E dedicating that song to B for months now. Just in case the link doesn't work, here are the lyrics (by Ra Ra Riot, not me):**

**Oh baby baby baby babe,  
How long am I supposed to wait?  
I think about you nightly  
Oh, can you tell I'm losin' sleep?**

****

Oh what am I supposed to do?  
It's hard to stay cool.  
Oh, when you smile at me  
and I can notice every time you speak.

My bed's too big for just me  
and when you turn your eyes,  
I promise I won't care.

Oh baby baby baby please  
My head sinks to my knees.  
Oh baby baby don't you know  
I think about you nightly?

My bed's too big for just me  
and when you turn your eyes,  
I promise I won't care.

Oh baby baby baby babe  
I think about you nightly

Oh baby baby baby babe.  
When I look in your eyes  
I tend to lose my thoughts  
Don't forget your stare  
Or what was that you said?  
Would you let me know?  
'Cause I can't read your mind  
But can you tell I can't even explain...

**Thanks for all the support this little story has gotten over the past week! Thanks to Twigasm for making it one of the fics of the day. Thanks to suzzyltlwingedthing for starting a forum over on Twilighted. To chat about TPOL, you can log on over at Twilighted at: http:/www . twilighted . net/forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&t=12024 (just erase the spaces). Finally some calm in this past chapter. I think B&E needed that. Gives them something to hold onto to face things in the future. **

**I love all of your reviews... please keep them coming. Until next week, xxx, M**


	19. Chapter 16

**A/N:** Some musical clarifications:

Edward chooses to listen to "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens from _Come on Feel the Illinoise_. Link: http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=rDRrqcZbdPU

Little Bell's first favorite song: "Postcards from Italy" by Beirut. Link: http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=RjzVbXeD_8E

What they're listening to later on, while they're um, on the floor: "Basic Shapes" by the XX. Link: http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=kHZVGqqf3gg

(Just erase the spaces)

* * *

**EPOV**

I was anxious and excited as I waited at Bella's front door. Scratch that, I was scared out of my fucking mind. Normally, I'd cling to the files in the bag slung over my shoulder, finding safety in what I knew I could do well. But I was giving that shit away willingly, choosing something unlikely and almost impossible instead, choosing to shoot for something I knew I was incapable of.

But she said she fucking wanted me.

And she broke up with the kid.

She'd fucking rocked my world with her bright mind and her sexy little body, over and over, in less than a day. I was flying blind, but I had to fucking believe I'd figure that shit out. Somehow.

I glanced over at Felix sitting in his nondescript dark sedan. If this whole situation weren't so serious, it would have been funny as shit. After all the petty crime we'd perpetrated when we were kids, here we were, an attorney and a security guard. But I guess you go with what you know. Nobody was going to get away with shit with Felix on the job; he knew what to look for. And so far, he hadn't seen any signs of Victoria.

Which was a relief, considering what Jenks dug up on the nosey bitch. It figures that James' sister would be a scumbag, just like her older brother. Luckily, it wouldn't be hard to get her behind bars. She just needed finding. I didn't like to think that Bella was the bait, but Victoria did have an uncanny habit of turning up in her vicinity.

I heard Felix cough in the car behind me and I flashed him the finger without turning around. I knew he'd give me shit if I looked his way, and I wasn't in the mood.

When I'd called earlier to ask if I could bring him anything as I swung by, he'd suggested a cheese steak, since I was in the neighborhood. I'd had to laugh, because every time Bella Swan's name came up, cheese steaks seemed to be the next thing mentioned. But the line at Pat's had wound around the building, something I hadn't been counting on. So I was running late as I pulled up behind Felix's car, and I rushed over to his driver's side window and nearly threw the greasy, waxed paper-covered sandwich at him.

"You're a Pat's, man?" Felix asked, eyeing the wrapper askance. But he was really asking a different question entirely. He wanted to know what the fuck was up with me hiring him like I had.

"You know I don't have a fucking clue about that shit," I said, swinging my bag over my shoulder, glancing over at Bella's front window.

"You've got to go to Tony Luke's down on Oregon."

"And you've got a fucking job to do. I'm paying your ass to keep an eye on things here, no to opine about sandwiches."

"Like I fucking need your cash," Felix mumbled, biting into his cheese steak. I grimaced, the memory still too vivid, and had to look away. But he was right, this was a favor, he definitely didn't need my money. Felix and his business partner, Alec, usually ran security for hip-hop artists when they came through town. Not to mention their regular work with some of the older, _ahem_, connected individuals in South Philly. After years in the penal system, they were finally doing well for themselves.

"Thanks for doing this for me, dude. Seriously. I know you and Alec don't need to help me with this shit."

"Who is she to you?"

My first impulse was to say Bella was a client, and leave it at that. But she'd only be a client for another day or two. It was time to come clean.

"I don't fucking know, exactly." Somewhat clean, anyway. But Felix got the hint.

"Really? Good for you, man. I mean, she's hot, in that clean-cut, girl next door kind of way."

"Christ, Felix."

"Hey, I'm just being _observant_. I think you mentioned that's what you're paying me for."

"Not that fucking observant."

"Heh, sure," he laughed. "Really? A mom with a kid?"

"Leave it the fuck alone."

Felix smirked in my direction, but the sandwich and the smeared cheese wiz on his beard interfered with him looking truly smug.

"Any sign of the redhead?" I asked.

"Not even. Not the blonde dude either. No sign of P.I.'s or any of that shit. Your girlfriend's free and clear as far as I can tell."

I didn't give Felix a hard time for calling Bella my girlfriend. But I punched him on the arm for good fucking measure, and nodded goodbye as I crossed the street, ran up the steps to Bella's house, and knocked lightly on the door, so I wouldn't wake Little Bell.

Which brings me back to this moment as I stood with my heart pounding in my ears, but doing my best to look cool, since Felix was watching.

But that cool exterior was blasted to shit when Bella threw open the door, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, flushed and breathing hard, a feather duster in her hand, and Explosions in the Sky quietly surging over her stereo system. Jesus, no wonder I loved this woman.

She took a few quick steps in my direction, and _fuck me_, she wasn't wearing a bra. I practically jumped up the steps to close the space between us, as much to touch her as to block Felix's view of her tits, and as much to show him just where things stood between Bella and I. I'd be damned if he got any ideas.

She had her hands on my hips as soon as I was in arms' reach.

"Hey there," she murmured standing on tiptoe.

I smiled as I kissed her, and pulled out her ponytail as I backed her into the house. I flashed Felix the finger again before I closed the door behind us. And as soon as the door was closed, fuck if Bella didn't push me against it, pressing her body against mine, her hands running over my chest, lower, to the edge of my shirt, then up and under, warm and soft against my skin. Her nails scraped over my nipples, her lips found their way to my neck.

"Fuck," I groaned, my lips against her hair, the strands tickling my skin. But we had business to discuss, and her daughter was sleeping upstairs.

"Bella?" I whispered, my lips against her ear, as I gently pushed her away.

"Sorry?" she sort of asked, biting her bottom lip, her deep brown eyes all wide and innocent as she blinked up at me. Her long lashes whispered against her cheeks, showing off the striking resemblance between her and Little Bell.

"I think you asked me here to talk," I reminded Bella, pushing her hair behind her ear, letting my fingertips trail down her neck. She shuddered and her hands drifted down my chest, over my abs, and hung onto the waistband of my jeans.

"I love these," she murmured, tugging a little, her fingers brushing along the edges of my boxer briefs. I didn't know if she meant the jeans or the underwear, and quite frankly, I didn't give a shit. Both pieces of clothing were in the way at the moment. But we weren't going to talk if this continued.

I resisted the almost incapacitating urge to reciprocate, to pull on her little black shorts, to run my fingers over the waistband of her panties. I thought of those sheer, black lacey things she'd been wearing at the office and I had to take a step away from her. It was all too much. Summoning willpower from I don't fucking know where, I grasped her fingers and twined them through mine.

"Fine," she pouted, pulling me by the hand. "Come in, then. Can I get you something? Water?"

"Uh, sure, I guess."

The lights in the house were dim, and it looked tidier than I remembered it. I noticed that there were no obvious signs of Nessie like there had been last time: no toys, no sippy cups, no picture books flung about the room. There was just a pair of little pink sandals on the shoe rack by the front door. I missed her.

"Shoes?" I asked, nodding towards the rack.

Bella's eyes danced and the corners of her pretty little mouth snuck into a near smile. "Umm, yeah? Sure, I mean. You should take them off. If you want."

"What's so funny?" I pulled off my shoes and placed them neatly on the rack. But as soon as I was standing on her wood floor in my stocking feet, I was scared shitless, again: this time by the intimacy of going barefoot in her home. I was fucking ridiculous. I'd fucked her against a wall for god's sake.

Bella looked at me expectantly, and her eyes drifted to my feet. I wasn't sure what she was waiting for. I glanced around the room again. I'd only been here once, but it all felt very familiar.

"I like it here."

"Yeah?"

"It's you, you know. It's simple, comfortable…"

"You think I'm simple and comfortable?" she laughed. "You sure know how to make a girl swoon."

"Uh," and I didn't know what to think, what to say.

Bella giggled and squeezed my hand. "I'm kidding. I'm glad you like it." I sighed in relief and she led me through the first floor and into the kitchen. I hadn't been in the kitchen the last time I was here, and _goddamn_… The appliances were all stainless steel and state of the art, pots and pans hung from racks on the ceiling, and the counters were lined with glass jars of dried beans and grains. The countertops were poured concrete and there was an opalescent blue tiled backsplash, and the floors were made of cork.

"Damn."

"What?" she asked, letting go of my hand, opening a cabinet and pulling out two glasses.

"This kitchen is fucking beautiful."

She smirked at me before switching on the water filter and filling our glasses. Filtered fucking water. Did I mention I loved her? "Would you say it's simple and comfortable?"

"You really fucking cook. It wasn't just some random crap for the website."

"What?"

Fuck. Well, I guessed it was time to come clean all around. "Um, well, your residency profile," I admitted, studying my fingers, sneaking a glance at her.

Bella gasped. "Really?"

I shrugged… "I, um, you know, I checked it out… once."

"Once?" She turned back towards me, her face painted with sincere disappointment. I'd checked out that picture substantially more than one time, but I was trying to make a good impression.

"I try not to make a habit of stalking."

Bella coughed and hid her face, and she wouldn't meet my eyes as she handed me the water.

"Hey, I'm sorry," I offered, surprised that she was so upset that I'd looked her up on-line. I took the glass from her and took her hand in mine, rubbing my thumb against her palm, kissing the top of her head.

"Just once?" she murmured balefully, so that I suddenly understood that she was upset I hadn't checked her out more. I almost laughed out loud.

"The truth? I type the letter "B" into my Google search engine, and it automatically brings up your name."

"That's better," she laughed. "I mean, I think I've Googled my dentist more than once."

"Do I have to worry about competition from this dentist of yours?" I placed the glass on the counter, my hands on her waist, and pulled her body against mine. Complete.

"Hardly," she murmured, on tiptoe again, her full lips against mine, soft, simple.

"How many times did you?" I asked, watching her blush, suddenly dying to know how often she'd looked me up on-line, beginning to understand that she'd liked me all along.

"I plead the fifth. As my lawyer, you should understand my need for discretion."

I ran my fingers through Bella's hair, and her hands strayed to my ass. "I won't be your attorney for long, and then you'll owe me an answer."

Bella looked honestly frightened that she might have to tell me how often she'd Googled me, and I laughed and tightened my arms around her waist. "You think you could frighten me off with the truth? Jesus, Bella, you realize it's only a matter of time before _you_ kick _me_ to the curb, right?"

"I hope not," she whispered.

"Me either, baby."

Her lips were wet, her tongue was warm, her breath reminded me of salt and cinnamon, and the hard buds of her nipples rubbed against my chest. I could sit her on the countertop, or I could bend her over the table… Or, I could act responsibly and accomplish what I'd come here to do. "Now let's un-attorney my ass and find you a new lawyer."

"Un-attorney? Is that a technical term, Mr. Masen?" she laughed.

I rolled my eyes, and faced her towards the dining room and patted her on the ass. "Shut the fuck up, Ms. Swan, so we can get this attorney/client relationship over with."

And she wasn't offended by my swearing, and I loved her a little more.

We sat on the bench that lined one side of her dining room table, a little closer than technically necessary. I pulled out a stack of paperwork and placed it on the table in front of her. The cover page listed the names of twenty of Philadelphia's finest family law attorneys, with page numbers corresponding to their specific stats: strengths and weaknesses, significant wins and losses, firms, locations, and even pictures. Bella pulled a little square of paper out of her back pocket, slowly unfolded it and laid it next to the pile. It was the list I'd given her: the list about how to choose an attorney.

"You kept it?"

"You kept mine. It was only fair."

"But you hired me."

"I've kept everything you've given me," she said softly, slowly leafing through the papers in front of her. My heart skipped and I resisted the urge to touch her. Instead, I watched her swallow. I watched her pause and flip back to the beginning. She stopped and took a sip of water.

"What do you think?"

"This is very… thorough."

'Thorough' was her kind way of calling me crazy.

Bella sighed and piled the papers neatly in front of her. "I felt safe with you, Edward. You said you were the best."

"I'm sorry… but now, after… even if we didn't want… my presence is a liability."

"Who on here do _you_ like?"

"I like them all."

"Seriously, just tell me which one. I know you have a favorite."

Bella was right. The attorney was at the top of the list. I'd already placed a call. Aminah Kachiri been surprised to hear from me, to say the least.

"You want to give me your client?" She asked incredulously. "I know this isn't April Fool's, bitch, so what in hell is going on?"

"It's simply a conflict of interest, Aminah."

"I know you all check that first thing. Just like any firm would."

"Believe me, I would take this case in a heartbeat if I could. I want to pass her off to someone capable. Your name was the first one outside of my firm to come to mind."

"Outside of your firm? Is this chick toxic?"

"No, not at all. I'm meeting with her later. This has to happen as soon as possible. It's imperative, for her safety."

I could be a persuasive motherfucker. Five minutes later I had Aminah Kachiri's home number on speed dial.

I pointed to the top of the list. "Her nickname around the courthouse is The Amazon, cause she'll get deadbeat dads by the balls and kill them quick, every time. No one wants to go up against her. She's your best bet."

"She looks kind of scary."

"Exactly. She'll eat James Hunter for dinner."

Bella turned to Aminah's statistics page. "She looks as impressive as any of them. Is she taking clients? Should I call her office tomorrow?"

I pulled out my phone, pressed down the number seven, and handed it off to Bella. "No time better than the present."

Bella's eyes went wide, but she didn't have time to say anything. After just one ring, I heard Aminah pick up.

"Um, hi. This is Bella Swan. Could I speak with -"

Aminah cut in on the other end and I wandered away from the table to give them privacy. The two of them were both intelligent, strong women and I felt certain they would get along. And I trusted Aminah with Bella and Nessie's wellbeing. If I had to give Bella's case up, I felt certain that she was the woman to fill my shoes.

I wandered past the sideboard full of pottery, glancing at each colorful and slightly misshapen bowl and platter, before noticing a tiny handprint off to the corner of the top shelf. It was glazed pale green, and it was impossibly small. I picked it up, and held the tiny little thing in the palm of my hand. On the back was written, 'Vanessa, February 17, 2006' in Bella's handwriting.

While I hadn't been around many newborns in my time, I was pretty fucking sure no human's hand was ever supposed to be this size, outside the womb. I wondered how old Little Bell had been when it was made. It occurred to me that I didn't even know her birthday, or Bella's for that matter. And she didn't know mine. When the fuck was that supposed to happen? I was thirty-two fucking years old and I had no fucking idea. I was hopeless.

"I was an awful potter in college. That was the last thing I ever made. She was three weeks old."

"She was so small."

"But she had a huge personality. She took to people so easily. She got them to love her, even then. Even me."

I heard the pain in Bella's voice, and I understood that every time her ex-husband came up, every time she had to speak to someone about this shit, she'd have to relive that heartbreaking and humiliating time in her life. It hurt to think I wouldn't be able to help her like I wanted to. It felt too much like I was abandoning her. "I'm sorry, Bella. I wanted to help. But I don't know what I'm fucking -"

"Shh," she hushed, silencing me. "You said there were other things we needed to talk about."

"Right. James. He's been petitioned for back support. He has thirty days to respond."

"Wow. It's done? He's going to be pissed." She took a seat on the bench, rubbed her hands over her bare thighs.

"It's his responsibility, Bella."

"And now I just wait?"

I sat down next to her, my body against hers, and tucked her head against my chest. "Now we wait, Bella. _We_ wait."

"What else?" she practically whispered.

"Victoria Hunter."

"Shit."

I happened to agree, completely. "She's unstable and dangerous."

"She's a bitch and she's weird, but I don't know about dangerous."

"She's got a rap sheet a mile long, Bella. Mostly drugs, going back years. But things have been spiraling out of control lately, and in the last six months she's been convicted of burglary and aggravated assault. There's a warrant out for her arrest, so all we have to do is spot her and we can have her picked up and extradited to New York. I assume that's why she left the beach after we threatened to call the cops."

"That makes sense. That fist time I saw her, she left me alone after I told her I was going to call the police."

"Alec and Felix have you and Little Bell covered. If she comes near you, she's going to prison. We'll take her in."

"I was going to ask you to call those guys off."

"Not a chance."

"Then, I should pay for them, at least."

"They're old friends. They owe me. Let me do this for you."

"I hate all of this."

"Me too. I hate thinking that you could be in danger." I held her closer, her hand rested on my thigh.

"But I like having you here," she whispered.

"I'm glad."

We sat there together on the edge of the bench, silent, breathing, clinging. I kissed her head. She nuzzled my chest. Despite all of the turmoil in Bella's life, there, in that moment, it was peaceful. As long as we didn't move, it was calm. I could breathe. I could relax. I could hold her, eternally grateful that she'd let me, that she wanted me.

"I have to pee."

I laughed, and Bella let go. "Could you change the record?" she asked.

"The record?"

"You know, it's a big, flat disc that plays music." She giggled and I got to my feet and I kissed her for that. I'd loved the sound of her nervous laughter from the first time I heard it. "It's all under there," Bella said, pointing to the drawers along the bottom of her entertainment center. "I'll be right down."

I sat in front of the entertainment center in the living room. It was modern and open, with three large cabinets lining the bottom. I slid one of them open, and _holy fuck_, there were easily two hundred records, each carefully preserved in a plastic sleeve. "Shit," I murmured, leafing through them. She had everything: from The Beatles to The Clash to The Killers. The middle cabinet housed a high-end turntable, and the last cabinet was filled with hundreds more records.

I was floored. This chick knew music and appreciated vinyl. I started to pick through her albums, suddenly nervous about what I should put on. Her taste was eclectic, her collection thorough and I didn't know where to start. I heard the bathroom door click open, and thinking of the quiet moment we shared on the bench, I chose something melodic and serene. I placed the needle on the record just as Bella started down the stairs.

She smiled as the first strains of the song "Chicago" came through her speakers and she sat down next to me on the floor, crossed legged.

"I love this album. I sang this song to Ness when she was an infant. The only things that would calm her down were breast milk and music. This one," she said, pulling out Beruit's first album, "There's a song on here that was officially Nessie's first favorite song. Whenever I'd play it, she'd kick her feet and wave her tiny fists around. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but after some experimentation, I realized it was definitely this song."

"It's a good song."

"It is."

"Those ones over there are all Ness' records. We buy music together on weekend mornings when there's no one else in the record store for her to harass. Her stuff is mostly dance music, but she's got some decent taste."

"Fuck, Bella… this has got to be the coolest thing I've seen in a while. You're fucking into vinyl… Please tell me these aren't…"

She shook her head. "They're all mine."

"Fucking beautiful. When did you start collecting?"

Bella scooted over to the other cabinet and pulled out _Emotional Rescue_ by the Stones. When she came back, she sat closer. Her arm brushed against mine, I rested my leg against hers.

"This one was my first. I got it when I was fourteen, I think. There was this big pep rally at school, and I wasn't really the peppy type, you know? So I skipped, and ended up at this little dusty record store down the road. And I found this. My mom used to play it all the time when I was tiny. I still remember dancing with her around the kitchen, and she would make these Mick Jagger faces that would just crack me up.

"We didn't have a record player when I was fourteen. But I found one a couple weeks later at a yard sale. I'd play this at night, with headphones one, so my dad wouldn't hear.

"I started going back to that store, and almost every time I'd find something else I remembered mom listening to. And here's the crazy thing. You see this?"

Bella pointed to a little pencil mark on the inside cover of the album.

"BS? Like bullshit?"

"RS. Like Renee Swan. I'd been buying back my mom's albums. She sold like everything she had to get out of Forks. This is my mom's frickin' album. Can you believe it?"

"She left you with your dad?"

"I was five. She was miserable. She thought she'd be a bad mom." Sadness had crept back into Bella's voice. I leaned my arm against hers and glanced at her. But she smiled bravely and changed the subject. We talked through her life in music. We snacked on grapes and cheese. We argued New York versus D.C. hardcore. We agreed on the merits of analogue over digital recording. We finished the grapes and Bella brought out some apples.

"So, your turn," she said, her toes brushing mine as she sat facing me on the ground. I pulled her feet into my lap, concentrating on them in an attempt to hide my own insecurity. I'd loved talking about Bella. It was easy, interesting. Nothing about my childhood had been easy.

She tossed me an apple and I rolled it around in my hands. "Favorite food, Mr. Masen."

"Excuse me?"

She wriggled her feet in my lap, and I looked up to see her warm brown eyes laced with understanding. She shrugged. "I like food, I thought we could start there." She was being cautious and kind. I looked back down at her feet, and rubbed my hands over them.

"Sushi," I replied without looking up.

"Nice. I like unagi maki. You?"

"You know Japanese food?"

"A little." I shouldn't have been surprised. She knew everything. She fucking blew me away at every turn. "What's your favorite roll?"

"Um, well, right now there's a place not too far from here that makes a shitake and cream cheese roll. It's fucking ridiculous."

Bella's feet jumped in my lap. "You mean Izumi? I love that place! Over by the fountain, right?"

"You've been there?"

Bella nodded and smiled. "We should go sometime. Like, you know, a date, maybe?" she asked, suddenly unsure of herself.

I was dumbstruck. "A date?"

She nodded eagerly. Of course we'd go on dates. Why was it such a fucking revelation?

"Okay," I offered hesitantly. I wished I could take the word back as soon as it was out of my mouth. I sounded like the thought of a date made me nauseated, when it was actually my own insecurity that had me feeling fucked.

"Wow, don't sound too eager or anything," Bella mumbled, trying to pull her feet away. But I held them in my lap, I made an effort to meet her eyes, I ignored the sick thumping of my heart in my chest.

"I don't think I've ever been... uh, on a date."

"But what about…" She couldn't bring herself to say Tanya's name, but we were definitely jumping from food to my own fucked up-ness in one easy step. I swallowed, but my throat was dry. I found the will to answer.

"It wasn't like that."

"You didn't go on dates?"

"Maybe we did, but it didn't feel like it. She'd drag me to whatever event she was promoting, we'd go out with Alice or Emmett. That kind of shit."

I could see that Bella wanted to ask more, but she held her tongue. I'd seen the same expression on Tanya's face enough, and I'd be damned if I made Bella feel the same way: like my feelings were inaccessible, like she had no right to them. I was fucking frightened at this turn of events, but I needed to explain.

"Bella, I don't fucking let people in, as a rule, or some shit. Tanya was already there, you know? It was easier to be with her because she knew my shit, and she let me do whatever. But, for her, it was fucked, and it fucked with my head too. After so many years of that crap, this… you and me, this is something I'm scared to death to fuck up."

"She's like, really pretty," Bella offered in a tiny voice. Tanya's appearance was the last fucking thing on my mind. I almost laughed at the idea that Bella could feel insecure about what Tanya looked like, and not about the fucked up specimen of a human being that she'd invited into her life.

"I don't give a shit what Tanya looks like. There's only been one face on my mind for the past month, and it's right in front of me. Got it… baby?" I pulled her feet so her soles rested on my chest, and I kissed her pretty little toes. Her toenail polish was almost black, and I fucking loved the little ways she hinted at her goth roots, her alternative musical taste… little clues that other people wouldn't see. Like those fucking garters and panties. I rubbed her ankles, her calves, her knees.

"You called me baby at the beach house, in front of your whole family, Ness…"

"I wanted to fucking kick myself."

"I liked it. I still do. Maybe I knew then, how you felt."

I laughed a little, relieved. I'd talked about my fucked up relationship with Tanya and Bella hadn't kicked me out, her feet were still pressed against me. "That time I sucked your finger didn't give that shit away?" I joked.

"Well, you could have just been trying to keep your car clean."

"Fuck you," I laughed. She laughed too, and she pressed her toes against me. It wasn't necessarily an erotic gesture, but any part of her body against mine and I wanted more.

"Seriously, though," she began after her laughter died down. "There's nothing in your chart about OCD. But you talk about it, a lot."

So much for starting things slowly. Didn't she want to know my favorite color or whether I liked dogs or cats?

"I've had enough therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, whatever, that I don't need my uncle getting into that shit with me."

"But, uh… I may not be your therapist, but to me, you don't seem, I don't know… to fit that diagnosis, exactly."

I stopped myself before I could say 'I don't know'. I resisted the urge to plant her feet on the floor and get up, walk out, leave. I'd never talked about this with Tanya, with Alice, with anyone. They just knew. They just fucking walked around the obvious, on eggshells. _Damn it_. Did she really expect me to go there? Why stop at fucking OCD? There was also my fear of intimacy, my incapacity to love, the old diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder, _and Jesus_; the fucking list didn't end there.

But when I glanced up at her after silently ranting about my insanity, it looked like I wouldn't have to push Bella away, after all. She seemed like she was ready to bolt. Fuck. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about, but she had a right to know. And I fucking wanted her to ask anything. So I closed me eyes, and worked on my deep breathing in order to stay calm.

"OC_P_D is the official diagnosis. I guess you'd know more about it than I would, maybe. From what I've picked up over the years it's not so much the picky, twitchy shit, like shutting the door three times, or checking to make sure the oven is off over and over again. Although I do that shit with the oven, sometimes.

"It's more just fucking _me_, you know? I have an insatiable need to be in control and to make things fucking perfect: the house, my body, my work, or any of that external ancillary crap. And the things I can't control, I push it the fuck away. Like this... I'm scared shitless. I'm not supposed to be good with relationships. And I'm _not_ fucking good; so I don't have them. And I'm an ass when people try to get close. It's all part of it. That's why I thought you were better off -"

"Hey, stop it!"

"Jesus, don't ask me to stop it, okay? I've known you a couple weeks and I already fucked you over. It scares the shit out of me to think what I could do to you, how I might fuck up with Little Bell."

"Oh my god, are you kidding? Ness is like totally in love with you. And well, as far as what you could do to me?" Bella raised her eyebrows suggestively and slid her ass closer to me. She placed her feet on the floor on either side of me, and her bare legs were draped over my lap. "I can't wait to see what you could do to me."

But I wasn't fucking joking. "I fucking push people away, Bella."

"You already tried that. A couple times. It didn't work. Don't do it again and it'll be fine."

"You fucking say that now, but -"

"Listen to me, you idiot. I like you. More than that, even. So, stop it. This, whatever this is, is new for both of us. So, let's just chill out, seriously."

"But, Bella -"

"No buts." She scooted closer, her ass pressed against my crossed legs.

"You don't get -"

"I do. Take a deep breath, Edward." She rubbed her legs against mine a little. "Doesn't this feel good? We had good food, good music, my family, you know, Ness is upstairs. Pretty close to happy, don't you think?"

She scooted into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"We're just missing one thing," she whispered, her nose touching mine. Her breath on my face, her eyes looking into mine.

"Comfortable and durable footwear?"

Bella laughed, her tits shook against my chest, and I smiled with her. "No bra?" I asked, my eyes straying from her face.

She shrugged, and tried to stop laughing. "You said you liked them."

"Fuck," I muttered.

"That was supposed to be my line," she said, laughing again.

And she managed to distract me from myself. She'd said she was pretty close to happy, but I couldn't find a name for what I was feeling. It was like I was flying and strong and a little out of my mind, but in a good way. There was no name for the electric charge that nearly burned my skin, for the feeling of fullness in my lungs, for the rolling in my gut.

Bella ran her small hand through my hair. "I'm weird, I love looking at your feet. Screw the shoe part of the prescription," she said kissing me softly on the lips.

"Sleep?" I offered, kissing her back.

"Fuck sleep," she said, very intentionally.

"Jesus, Bella. I'm still your lawyer."

"For another day," she murmured into my ear, as she kissed and licked, as she pulled at my hair.

"What about Ness?"

"She sleeps like a stone."

"And your babysitter?"

But Bella started rocking against my dick, and she grabbed a handful of hair and pulled my face to hers, and there was no more capacity to talk, to object. Only to feel her, only to lower her to the ground, only to nip at her tits trough her tank top.

Her heels dug into my ass and I pushed her shorts a little higher so I could cup the soft skin where her ass met her thighs. And we made out on the floor, in front of the stereo, while a record played, like we were two teenagers from the seventies, or some shit.

Bella's feet pressed against my ass, guiding me between her legs. But there were more immediate things that needed attending to… two things in particular, and I pulled her tank top up, uncovering her breasts, and wrapped my lips around a dusky pink nipple, my tongue bringing her to a peak, nipping, sucking. She sighed and arched her back, lifted her hips. Her shirt was at eye level, blinding me, so I lifted it higher, and Bella raised her arms. I thought that taking it off was a perfect fucking idea.

Her hands swept down my back and under my shirt. "You too," she murmured, her breath playing with my hair. " It's only fair."

I thought about saying no for less than a second, but with the feel of her fingers against my chest and over my nipples, the subtle slipping of my bare chest against her flat tummy, there was no way I could protest. As she slid the cotton up and over my head, I let it guide my mouth higher. I kissed her chest, along her neck. The tight knots of her nipples rubbed against me, and her arms wrapped around me, and we were too warm, and the floor was too hard against my knees. Her pulse beat against my lips in it's own uneven time, and the fuck that fell from her lips was genuine. I ground my cock against her in reply.

"Christ," she whispered as my lips locked with hers, as her tongue reached for mine, as I rocked myself against her again.

Something soft and insistent fluttered against my erection. It was her hand at my fly. I groaned and pressed myself against her fingers, and my dick was actually aching, until finally, it was in her hand.

"Fuck," Bella mumbled again, as she strained to wrap her fingers around the head of my cock. And I didn't giver her a chance to move on her own, thrusting into her hand instead. Bella bucked her hips against her hand, and gripped my dick harder. My breath caught in my throat and I paused before we moved again, together this time. And we played this way for too long, until I needed more, and my dick tried to make contact with her crotch. In the process, I thrust too hard, sliding Bella underneath me, bumping her head into the cabinet. The record skipped, the needle zipped across the record, and the music came to an abrupt hault.

Bella giggled and her eyes shot open, all warm and brown, glittering, happy, and I was completely embarrassed and in love. I pulled her to sitting, and she wrapped her legs around me again, her face pink and pretty, her hair looking like she'd just been well fucked. I wished.

"Are you okay?" I asked, rubbing her head.

"We were facing the wrong direction," she laughed. "Here, let me flip the record." And she turned her back to me, holding the record up, looking for evidence of a scratch, as I looked at her pretty shoulders, her small waist, the swell of her breasts. They trembled as Bella flipped the record and leaned over the turntable. It was hopeless. I slid behind her, kissing her shoulder, her neck, my arms winding around her, holding her back to my chest, holding a breast in my hand, my dick against her ass, as my other hand reached down the front of her shorts, under her panties.

She gasped, the needle slipped. "Fuck!" she hissed.

"Sorry."

"It feels too good," she murmured, forgetting about the damned record, turning to face me. And we were both on our knees as I pulled off her shorts. She was wearing little cotton boy shorts underneath. My hand slipped underneath the cotton, against her round little ass cheek, between her legs. And she was so fucking wet and soft and bare.

"Jesus," I groaned, pulling her against me, hard.

And a key turned in the front door, and we both froze, and my heart skipped a beat. The entrance wasn't ten feet from where we were kneeling. Bella's top was tossed across the room, too far to lunge for. But my own T-shirt was lying next to us, and I grabbed it and held it over her tits.

My only thought was that Jacob had chosen this moment to come back and settle things with Bella. I swore under my breath, because I should have known better than this, and I braced for a fight. I wondered if Felix would make an appearance if it came to blows. So when a dark-skinned girl with enormous eyes and hair down to her waist walked through the doorway, I was completely floored. Of course I was floored. I was sitting on the fucking floor.

The girl's hand went immediately over her mouth, her eyes like saucers. Bella scrambled to her feet, and tugged my shirt over her head. I turned around to button my fly, but with no shirt and no shoes, I was at a fucking loss. Thankfully, Bella grabbed my hand.

"Good lord, Bella!"

Bella wrapped her arm around me and tried to get me to turn around. I bit my lip and held her around the waist. "Leah, this is -"

"It's not Jake, that's for sure!" the girl interrupted.

"It's not what you think. We -"

"How could you, Bella? He loved you so much and he hasn't been gone a day!" Leah looked horrified, and she put several feet between us as she walked around us towards the basement.

"Leah," Bella tried again.

"I can't be a part of this. I figured you two would get back together. What would your dad say, Bella?"

"My dad?" Bella sounded equal parts pissed and horrified.

I didn't know what to say. I stood there like an idiot, like a letch, like a heartless fuck, my chin resting on Bella's head, using her for support.

"Leah, this is really none of -"

"You're damn right it's not!" She stormed off down the basement steps.

"Shit," I mumbled. Bella gripped my hands in hers and pressed her back against my chest.

"You've got to tell him." I added.

"It's probably better this way. It was bound to come up. If he starts seeing Ness, eventually he'd see you too."

She was trying to be positive, but I couldn't see anything good in the timing.

"I think I should probably, um -" and Bella turned and stared at me for the first time since Leah walked in. Her eyes were wide and dark as they roamed over my naked torso.

"Of course," she whispered. She pulled my T-shirt over her head, and her breasts bounced as the seam caught on her nipples. They were still hard and perky, still so fucking pretty. She held the T-shirt out to me, standing there in her little boy shorts, and it was so fucking wrong, but all I wanted to do was throw her over my shoulder and take her upstairs where I could fuck her silly.

But we could hear Leah riffling around in the basement.

I nodded my head towards her discarded clothing. "Maybe you should, uh…"

"Edward, this is my home." But Bella's face had fallen, and our fun was officially over. She was going to have to deal with the babysitter, and she was going to have to talk with the kid. I didn't like to think about how either of them would react.

After pulling on her shorts and shirt, she came back over to me, her face pleading, for what I couldn't fathom.

"When is your meeting with Aminah tomorrow?" I asked.

"After work."

"I'll make sure we refund you the unused portion of your retainer. Another lawyer, that's a hell of a lot of money."

"Thanks. Can I see you tomorrow?" she asked, grabbing both of my hands in hers. Leah stomped past us, a large backpack slung over her shoulders.

"I'm out of here, Bella. This is all sorts of fucked."

Bella looked back and forth between her babysitter and me. I let go of her hands, and walked over to the dining room table to get my bag.

"I don't know what to say," Bella said.

"Nothing to say, Bella. I thought you were better than this kind of thing."

"This isn't between me and you, Leah. This is about me and Jake."

"Listen, Bella, I love your daughter and all, but this is just too much. I'm not going to go run to Jake and tell him. It's not my place. But dude, I'm not gonna lie, either. If he asks, I'll let him know what I saw here. And I know he doesn't want to hear this crap from me. I sure wouldn't."

The door slammed shut, and I leaned on the table, scrutinizing the wood, trying to fucking make some sort of promise with myself that I'll stop destroying things for Bella. I should have known better than nearly fucking her on her living room floor, but in the moment I could hardly keep my hands off of her, and truthfully, I didn't fucking want to. For the first time in my life, something felt authentically good, through and through. But with every step we took towards a relationship, it blew new holes through Bella's life. I decided I was either fucking cursed, or the most selfish prick in the universe.

I sighed as Bella's arms came around my waist, as she rested her head against my back. "It's going to be fine, Edward. He was going to know eventually."

"You only broke up with him yesterday."

Her arms stiffened. "You agree with Leah, then?"

I spun around and caught her in my arms. "Fuck, no. Of course not."

"How long were we supposed to wait, then? How long until it's long enough not to break his heart? A month, six months?"

"Jesus, Bella." I couldn't imagine a month without her, and I know a month wouldn't do any good. Pain like the kid was most likely enduring would stick in his heart for years. It would always be too soon to hear that I was with Bella. As soon as he heard, he'd know when this shit between her and me started.

"It sucks, Edward, but I _broke up_ with him. It's over. I didn't just fire the best lawyer in Philly to live without you, so I could hope that one day, sometime in the future, we could be together. Edward, I want to be happy. I want that now. I don't want to wait."

"Bella." It was all I could say. There were too many warring emotions fighting in my chest. I was lost, trying to hang onto my floundering faith, trying to believe that the way Bella and I felt about one another was right. But a larger portion of my brain was screaming that I was being foolish and selfish, that I was acting like a spoilt child.

Bella tipped her head back, went on tiptoe, and offered me her lips. It was a soft, gentle kiss, and her lips parted in a sigh. With just a little breath, she pulled me in. It was nearly painful, and it made all the crap around us instantly irrelevant. Her body fell against mine: her small frame, her slender limbs, her sputtering heart, so strong yet nearly weightless. I knew I was in a place I'd never ventured before, and I was reeling.

"Bella," I murmured, my lips brushing against hers.

"You see?" she asked, her hands in my hair. I opened my eyes and noticed she'd been staring up at me, her eyes like dark embers in the dimly lit room. "This is what I've waited for. Don't make me wait any longer."

"Fuck me," I mumbled.

"Soon, I hope."

"What about Leah?" I asked.

"I thought I told you that -"

"No, I mean about Ness? Tomorrow?"

"Oh my god! I'll have to take off tomorrow. I have to call your uncle… but he doesn't know anything about the files and the uploads, and… _shit_!" she swore, tearing out of our embrace, suddenly rummaging for her phone in her workbag. She ran a hand through her hair, her eyes unfocused as she panicked. "Jess and Mike are out of town… Rose finishes her shift at nine… too late, and she'll have been up all night."

I picked up my phone and dialed. Bella hardly noticed as she kept searching for her phone.

"Esme, its Edward."

"_Edward, dear, I had such a lovely time last night."_

"Yes, it turned out well. But Esme, Bella and I need a favor."

"_You and Bella?"_ I could hear the conspiratorial cheer in her voice, and I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"Bella needs a sitter tomorrow…"

My aunt didn't give me time to say anything else. "_When should I be there_?"

I laughed and handed the phone to Bella. I couldn't tell if she was relieved or pissed about what I'd done.

I left as soon as things were settled as far as Little Bell was concerned. I felt guilty, and I hated leaving Bella with the task of calling Jake. I hated leaving, period. I had my legal clinic after work the next evening, and I told Bella I'd call her afterwards. No more lunchtime visits to her office, no more make-out sessions on her living room floor. I'd have to behave like an adult.

xXxXx

I sat alone, in a bed, in my hotel room. I held my head in my hands, wishing she was here, wishing I were there, wishing that somehow it was all right between us. One thought had lodged itself in my consciousness and I couldn't shake it. It was like that blinking red light in The Great Gatsby, warning me in no uncertain terms that I should stay the fuck away. Telling me that if I truly loved Bella, I'd leave her alone. But this wasn't a stupid novel, and her loss would be real, not literary. I didn't know if it was something I could actually give up.

Fuck.

I looked at my useless phone. I hated doing it, but I needed help.

"_Hey big brother_!" Alice chirped.

"Alice."

"_Damn, what's wrong?"_

"I hate asking you this kind of shit. I know you don't like it."

"_Edward? Hold on_." I heard her whispering to someone in the background, then rustling, then giggling, then the twang of acoustic guitar strings.

"_Hey, I'm back. What's up_?"

"I need you to tell me that I haven't fucked up Bella's life irrevocably."

"_Edward, that's just crazy. You like her, and she likes you. Everything else can be sorted out_."

"I'm not overreacting, Alice! Not this time. Bella may be facing a custody battle and she fucked her lawyer in his office. Her ex is AWOL, and her babysitter just fucking caught us… _fuck_."

"_Edward, um…"_

"I think I need to leave her, Alice. For her own good."

"_What good would leaving do? It won't take away the fact that you fucked her, will it? It won't bring Jake back, and what exactly did the babysitter catch you doing?"_

"Then I need you to tell me that this will end well."

"_You know I can't do that."_

"I don't know exactly what you can and can't do, but you've been pushing us from the beginning. So spill, Alice. Now. Be straight with me for once."

Alice sighed, and I heard a door click on her end of the line. When she started to speak again, her voice was very quiet. She sounded almost like a little girl. "_I had a good feeling about you two. I knew you'd meet… and when you did, well, it just felt right. I was excited for you when I felt that. But I can't tell the future, big brother. You know that_."

"I'm grasping at fucking straws here. Tell me it still feels right when you think about us. Or tell me that I should fuck off."

"_Edward, no one knows how stuff like this is going to end. It's all about deciding if it's worth the risk._"

"When she hired me I knew I could help her. But I don't know shit anymore, Alice."

"_Being her attorney was a cop-out. It wasn't honest, and you know it_."

"And the fact that I honestly may have screwed up her case? Her life?"

"_Well, you two are both grown-ups. Deal with it_."

"But the way I -"

"_Dude, you called for advice, so listen to me just once. Stop beating yourself up. You never got involved in stuff like this before, and you had this kind of 'Mr. Perfect' thing going on. But no one's fucking perfect Edward. Real relationships, real emotions are messy. You walked into this thing knowing what was going on. So fucking own it, big brother. Own it and deal with it_."

xXxXx

Garrett found the PLA because he wanted to become an emancipated minor. He was completely estranged from his parents. They no longer supported him, they no longer saw him, and as a pair of crack heads, they didn't care much, either. He'd been taking care of himself for as long as he could remember, and he only realized a little over a year ago that his life would be considerably better without either of them around. He wanted the ability to make decisions for himself, legally.

However, free from his parents after years of abuse, Garrett had dropped out of school, hustled for cash, and bounced around from squat to squat, high more often than not. In order for any judge to grant him emancipation, Garrett had to show that he was able to take care of himself in accordance with the law. While I'd helped him fill out the necessary paperwork, we also put a plan into motion that would demonstrate his responsibility and maturity.

When he'd come in this evening, he had a continuous month of school under his belt, he had a real job, and he'd cleaned up his act and had stayed off of drugs long enough to wave the results of a clean piss test in my face. I'd file the report with the court tomorrow. Garrett was on his way.

The two of us walked down the hall together after our meeting. Thursday clinics were held in a vacant high school in North Philly. We passed other volunteers chatting with their clients: making plans to go see basketball tournaments, offering rides, and just shooting the shit. Garrett wanted to get his drivers license, and I told him I'd go over the basics with him in the parking lot.

"Ewoord!"

The air left my lungs and I smiled before I spotted her in the crowded hallway. I craned my neck to see a shock of brown curls bouncing, chubby little legs running as fast as they could in my direction.

"Hey, is that your kid?" Garret asked. "I didn't know you had a kid."

"I missed-ed you, Ewoord!" Little Bell practically shouted as she jumped into my arms. She wrapped her little arms around my neck and I hugged her back. My eyes found Bella, standing next to my aunt near the entrance.

"I missed you too, Little Bell," I whispered.

"You call me that even though I not little. But it okay." She hugged me tighter.

"And dude, is that your wife? Cause she's -"

"She's Vanessa's mother, Garrett. She should be spoken of with respect."

But Garrett was right. Bella looked fucking hot in her gray tailored suit, her hair pulled back into a low ponytail, little diamond studs in her ears. And when she saw me, she smiled wide and she bit her lip at the same time I did. My aunt whispered something in Bella's ear, and she nodded her head and patted Esme's arm, and started walking in my direction.

"Mama's happy a' see you too, Ewoord," Little Bell giggled. And her laughter sounded just like her mom's.

Garrett punched me on the arm. "Take care, Ewoord," he laughed, and he leered a little too much at Bella as they passed.

"Hey baby," I murmured as Bella met Nessie and me. Nessie giggled again, probably at my use of the word baby. Bella stroked my cheek, but stopped short of kissing me in front of her daughter.

"You did all this?" she asked, looking around at the flurry of activity in the hall. All words were stuck in my throat. I was too overjoyed to speak. I held her hand instead.

"I fucking love you," she whispered in my ear. And I knew in that moment that Bella and her daughter were worth the leap of faith. I loved her, and I'd own it. I didn't want to live without either of them.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for all of the reviews! This week was nuts and I tried and failed at responding to all of them, but I read them all with so much serious appreciation. Thank you.

If you're dying between updates and want to get in on the TPOL conversation:

Fuzzyltlwinged thing started a discussion on the Twilighted forum. Here's the link: http:/www . twilighted . net/forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&t=12024

I send out teasers and chat about TPOL over on facebook. Look me up: I'm Belladonna Cullen in Philadelphia, PA.

Until next week, xxx, M


	20. Chapter 17

**BPOV**

"_**This is Jake. Leave me a message."**_

_Beep._

"I know you're angry, Jake, but we really need to talk. Nessie's been asking about you. She starts pre-school on Monday. You were going to be there. And there's other stuff too. Call me, please. Okay? Bye."

xXxXx

I loved Edward in a suit. I loved seeing Edward talking to that boy: the way the boy was looking up to him, the way Edward used his hands to emphasize what he was saying. They were talking about driving, I think. I loved the idea of driving with Edward.

Ness let go of my hand and ran ahead. My baby girl loved Edward too. It didn't make much sense. She'd only known him a few weeks. But maybe it didn't make sense that I loved him yet, either.

"Vanessa misses the two men in her life."

That's what Esme had told me after I got home from the meeting with my new lawyer. Edward had been right about Aminah Kachiri. She was fierce and intelligent, and I was sure she'd serve me well. One thing that surprised me, though, was that she hadn't asked why Edward and I had parted ways. I'd been expecting that question, but I hadn't come to a decision about how to answer it. It was with some relief that I was able to leave the subject alone.

The other missing piece of my meeting with Aminah was the file that Edward had prepared about James. I couldn't find it anywhere as I'd rushed to get ready for work this morning. Of course, my home office was hopeless, with papers and folders littering the desk and the bookshelves. I didn't even attempt to look through the filing cabinet. If I'd stashed it in there it may as well have been gone for good.

But Aminah had insisted that Edward probably had copies of everything, and I couldn't help but agree. He most likely had them in triplicate. I left her office a little shaken up after telling my story again, but also reassured that I was in good hands. Aminah told me that she would let me know as soon as she had a response from James about the child support summons. And she left me with homework; a rubric for amassing all of the tangible evidence that I was a more than adequate parent. Given my many insecurities on the subject, I thought it was something I could use, as well as the court.

I checked my phone as soon as I was out of Aminah's office, but Edward hadn't called. Of course, I knew he'd been in court all day, and I knew he had his legal clinic that evening. But given what happened with Leah and the way he'd left so quickly afterwards, I'd hoped for a text, at least. I know, I know…_ I_ could have called _him_. But something told me that he needed the space. I just hoped he didn't need too much of it, because I wanted him back: in my arms, in my house, in my life, if I was being truthful.

My phone sat next to me in the car as I drove home, silent the whole way. I held it in my hand as I walked into the house. It was still there when Ness came flouncing into the kitchen clutching her little pink iPod.

"Ewoord not putted his mama's song on my pink music yet," she whined as her arms encircled my waist in a tight hug.

Yes, Ness and I both missed that man. I knew he missed Nessie too. His silence shouldn't have had me worried. But it did.

Esme gave me an 'I told you so' look as she puttered around the kitchen, tidying.

"Edward said he'd call after he gets off tonight. I can ask him about it then, Ness."

Ness sighed dramatically. "But I want the music now!" she pouted in a voice edging closer towards a tantrum. I noticed she'd changed into a fuchsia lace skirt and a sparkly navy leotard. I worried for Alice's children's line.

"Ness, I just walked through the door. I said I'll call Edward tonight when he's done with work. So you are going to have to wait."

"That not fair! That not nice! I want the music _now_!" Ness stomped out of the room and up the stairs.

"I hope she hasn't been too much trouble," I said, sinking into a chair.

"None at all. She just misses the two men in her life."

I sighed, and Esme set a glass of water in front of me. I would have preferred a beer.

"She mentioned Jake then?" I asked. I hated knowing how much my daughter missed him, but it wasn't something I could willingly ignore.

"Vanessa said that Jake was supposed to visit her all the time, but that he hasn't come by, yet."

"He hasn't even called," I admitted. Esme sat across the little kitchen table from me and took my hand in hers. "I've called, Esme, and left messages. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't want to talk to me, but he shouldn't be taking it out on Ness."

"I'm so sorry, dear."

I sighed and sniffed and looked away. "And she mentioned Edward, too?" I could hear the anxiety in the pitch of my voice.

"Well, she asked me a few questions. She's curious." Esme paused and looked a bit pained.

_Uh oh._

"About?" My voice rose another octave, at least. Jesus, Ness and I both sounded on the verge of a tantrum.

"About why he can't be a daddy," Esme admitted, looking at her fingers.

"Oh."

Esme pulled her hand away and we passed a few seconds in silence. Christ, was I supposed to explain testicles and sperm and cancer and radiation?

"How do I explain infertility to a four year old?" I asked more to myself then to Esme.

"I don't think that's exactly what she meant, dear. When four year-olds think about daddies, they're not thinking sperm."

I gasped, my hand over my mouth. I was an idiot, and Esme understood my daughter better than I had. Ness wasn't interested in Edward's reproductive ability; she was interested in having a dad. Fuck. I closed my eyes and bit my top lip, slouching in my chair. It was all too quick. Edward had never been on a date before, and Ness wanted him to be a dad?

"Have you eaten, dear?" Esme asked, changing the subject so quickly that I felt dizzy.

My stomach rumbled. I was starving. "No. I haven't had a chance." But I couldn't think about food, except how I'd rocked Edward's world by asking him out for sushi. And Ness wanted to ask him to be her dad? My god, if he got wind of this he'd probably be gone for good.

"I would love to take you and Vanessa to a pizza restaurant I've been going to for years. They have these child-sized pizzas, and they let the kids put the toppings on themselves. It was always Emmett and Alice's favorite when they were young. I'm sure Vanessa would love it."

There were about seven pizza places that would deliver to the house. I was overwhelmed and anxious, and I wanted a long hot bath and my bed. "I don't know, Esme. I'm kind of tired."

"All the more reason not to cook."

"Esme, maybe another time."

Esme grabbed my hand from across the table. "Isabella, I would like it very much if you and Vanessa would join me." She gave me a hard look and she squared her shoulders.

She made it very hard to say no. I crumbled like a house of cards.

Esme asked me to follow her to the restaurant because she had a quick stop to make along the way. "Just for a minute or two." I don't know if it was Esme's maternal swagger, or just the fact that she was helping me out with Ness when I really needed it, but again, I found it impossible to say no.

I almost laughed at the three-car caravan we formed as we drove north up Broad. Esme was in front, followed by Ness and me in my Prius, with Edward's security detail pulling up the rear. It was all too much. But as we drove farther into North Philly, I was grateful for the security. Each corner up there was capped with a blinking blue police light, and more houses were boarded up and burnt out then habitable. Groups of men leered as we drove past.

Esme finally pulled into the parking lot of what appeared to be an abandoned high school. But there was a lot of activity by the front entrance. A bunch of kids were hanging out with a few well-dressed adults. I couldn't help but notice that the kids seemed a little worse for the wear, and some looked downright dangerous.

"Come on, ladies," Esme said, opening up Nessie's door, unbuckling her from her seat. "I can't take your long faces anymore."

xXxXx

Ness spotted Edward before I did. He was smiling so easily, a smile that reached his eyes and made crinkles at the corners. He held the boy's shoulder, and he said something that made the boy laugh.

"Ewoord!" Ness cried out. I hadn't thought Edward could have smiled wider. But he did.

And then there was the way he gathered Ness into his arms, so happy to see her. The way they hugged and laughed. And the way he looked for me as he held Ness so tight. The way I heard his name mentioned as people walked past us out the door.

"_I didn't know Mr. Masen had a kid."_

"_Dude, Garrett's lucky to have Mr. Masen on his case."_

Maybe I was biased. I'm sure there were other things spoken, other names that echoed in that cavernous hallway. But all I heard was Edward.

And holy crap, he was so beautiful: so pretty, just like Ness said that first time she saw him, and tall, and muscular, and oddly graceful in his movements. I could list all of his physical attributes, but that wasn't what really mattered. It was the way he made me feel, like I was on fire, like I was the most special person in the world. It was the way he tried to take care of me: the security guards, the lawyer. And it was the way he was looking at me now: his eyes glowing with that golden light, biting his lip, while me held onto my daughter so tight.

"Excuse me, Esme."

"Of course, dear."

I had to touch him. I wanted to kiss him, but I was afraid to in front of Ness, especially considering her new daddy-based line of questioning. But I couldn't deny the way they looked together, and I couldn't deny the way it squeezed my heart, almost painfully.

I touched his face, I looked into his eyes, golden and green, and he called me 'baby' in that low whisper of a voice. That voice that commanded the attention of my mind, my body, and my heart. I shivered.

He'd had a disaster of a childhood and he'd lived on the streets, but here were at least forty kids that he was helping to lead better lives. How could he not see how amazing he was? How could he worry about hurting Ness when he'd never been anything but loving and patient with her?

"You did all this?" I asked. And he didn't answer. Instead he grabbed my hand, he held it so tight, he pulled me closer and Ness giggled, looking between the two of us.

"I fucking love you." The words came out before I could think to stop them. And I didn't mind. I wasn't scared.

Edward held Nessie's hand as she skipped through the parking lot babbling about making cookies with Esme tomorrow, and about making clothes with Alice over the weekend, and about how she was going to get to go to girl's night two times in a row because she was big, now.

Edward didn't just smile and nod. He understood her, he asked questions, and she smiled so big up at him, and hugged him tight as he picked her up to place her in her car seat. He buckled her up with ease. I waited for him to walk around to me, watching his fingers trailing along the car as he walked, the way he loosened his tie, the way he ran his hand through his hair. The things those fingers could do to me.

"Do you know where the restaurant is?" he asked, his fingers finally finding mine. The tip of his shoe brushed the toe of my pump. And it shouldn't have made me tingle, but it did. I shouldn't have had to blush after such a banal question, but I did.

"Esme gave me the address."

"We'll see you there, then?"

"Of course."

His lips brushed my ear, his hand cradled the back of my head, his other hand on my hip. Sparks, fire, wetness, flames.

xXxXx

"I'd come here with Edward, Emmett and Alice when they were little," Esme explained after our server took Ness's uncooked pizza off to the brick oven. Nessie had covered the entire thing with pineapple. At least she'd meet her daily requirement for vitamin C after this meal.

"Like when Ewoord had silly hair?"

Edward smiled and looked away, embarrassed. I grabbed his hand under the table, and he squeezed back.

"No, before that, when he was just your size."

"He was like me?"

"Just like you," Esme agreed. And Ness giggled, and Edward's fingers shyly stroked my palm, his arm unmoving so no one could tell what we were doing. His thigh brushed against mine under the table and I crossed my legs and pressed my thighs together. Simply touching him was indecent.

"That's silly," Nessie laughed. "Ewoord's a boy!"

He certainly was.

"He was a silly boy, though," Esme continued. "He didn't like pizza crust, so he picked off all the cheese and all the toppings, (pepperoni was his favorite), and then he'd lick the sauce off. When he was done he was left with a soggy mound of crust, and a sauce-covered face. Then Emmett would eat the soggy crust… Between the two of them they could eat almost an entire large pizza."

"Eeeww!" Ness laughed, and Esme joined in. My heart warmed with Esme's gift: evidence of a messy, pepperoni-eating Edward. A regular kid. I held Edward's hand tighter. He still hadn't looked in our direction, but I could see evidence of his warring emotions in the set of his jaw, in the tightness of his limbs.

"And what Alice do'ed?"

"Alice was a baby, so she didn't eat pizza."

"Oh." Ness paused, gathering her thoughts. "Where Ewoord's mommy was?"

Esme blinked, her hand fluttered over her heart.

"My mom was sick," Edward broke in, his fingers practically crushing mine all of the sudden. "But I didn't know."

"But she getted better, right?"

I tried shushing Ness from across the table, but she wasn't letting it go that easy.

"Ewoord, she getted better. Right?" Ness looked worried. Esme tried to hug her, but Ness shook her off.

Edward closed his eyes and shook his head. "She didn't, Little Bell."

"She went up to heaven," Esme added as an explanation. But I didn't much believe in heaven, and no one close to Ness or I had ever died. I didn't think she'd ever heard the term.

Ness scrunched up her face, knitting her little brows. "She went away from you?" Ness finally asked Edward.

"She did," he agreed, his warm eyes meeting her inquisitive ones.

"She not lived in your house anymore?"

Edward shook his head.

"And she loved you even when she was gone'ed?"

Edward's eyes glittered with sudden, unshed tears. And he nodded and reached across the table with his free hand, clasping my daughter's fingers in his.

"And she take'ed a little piece of your heart when she go'ed, right?"

Esme gasped, Edward let go of my hand to wipe at his eyes. "She took more than that, Little Bell."

Nessie bent over and kissed the large hand that held hers.

Later, Nessie still held one of Edward's hands as we left the restaurant. I wrapped my arm around his waist, I leaned my head against his chest. Ness insisted Edward strap her into her car seat, and he kissed her on top of the head as he did so. And I couldn't help chuckling when she shoved her iPod in his face and sleepily demanded his mom's piano concerto.

He jogged to his car, pulled his laptop out of his bag, and synched her little iPod. He stared at the screen so intently. It looked like he wiped at the corner of his eyes again.

Ness fell asleep almost as soon as she had the iPod back in her hands, whispering, "Thank you, Ewoord. I lo' you."

I didn't hear what he whispered back. But I knew he loved her too.

"Later?" he asked, when his hands found mine.

"She's already asleep. Come soon."

xXxXx

"_**This is Jake. Leave me a message."**_

_Beep._

"Jake, this is just too much. I know I did things wrong here, I know Ness isn't your responsibility. But don't take this out on her. Please don't disappear on her. Please? Listen, call me. Don't just show up, okay? Ness is confused enough. Call first. Tell me what's going on here. We've known each other forever, let's not -"

_BEEP!_

Shit.

xXxXx

I was walking down the stairs when I heard the soft knock on the door. Edward's kiss left no doubt about his intent. He pulled out my ponytail and pulled off my suit jacket. Then his hands found my face as he kissed me, as he paused, asking permission with his eyes.

"Please," I whispered.

"Fuck, yes."

He locked the door and walked me backwards into the house. His suit jacket was on the ground. I don't know how it got there. His body was so hard against mine, all of him.

But I wasn't making the mistake of giving in on the living room floor again.

"Upstairs," I managed, my lips against his, my hand stroking insistently.

He didn't say anything in response, but he held back for a split second. I didn't give him time to reconsider though, as my hand fumbled with the button of his trousers. Another second later, his hands were on my ass and I was in his arms, and his lips were back, his tongue was back. He somehow managed to kick off his shoes as he tread softly on the stairs, down the hall, up the second flight.

I had a moment of frantic worry. My bed was a mess, and my closet was hanging open, a wreck, and I hadn't cleaned the bathroom since before the Shore weekend. Would he think I was disgusting, would it get in the way of his mood?

But I didn't have to worry for long. His hands were at the buttons of my blouse, which was suddenly open, his thumbs over my lace-covered breasts, a hand at my belt buckle. I needed to get at his chest, and my fingers shook and slipped, until his shirt was open enough for Edward to pull it over his head. My pants were at my ankles, and I stepped out of them, my pretty blue sling-backs still slung back, still on.

"Fuck," he mumbled, his hand on my ass again, sliding along the seam of my white lace cheekies, then underneath, between my cheeks, until his fingers ran between my lips, until I could hear how aroused I was. And my mouth hung open a little, and my chest heaved, suddenly desperate for air.

My own hands shook as I fumbled with his belt, brushing over the tent in his pants. He slid a finger deep inside and I had to focus, I had to stay standing. I leaned my head against his bare chest for support, the tips of my breasts brushing against him like flints against stone. Finally, after endlessly grappling with his fly, I could slide my hands over his ass, and slide his trousers over his hips.

He stepped out of his pants, bent his knee between my legs so that it rested on the edge of my mattress, his hands under my arms, and he was on top of me, staring into my eyes, his hand moving my hair out of my face.

There was a moment of fear, a tightening of his muscles, when he took a quick look around the room, his hands on the bed instead of my body. But he was back so fast, his arm winding around my back, pressing my breasts against him, his cock hitting between my legs, so I startled and some silly little sound jumped from my throat.

My bra clasp was undone, but still looped around my arms. His fingers pinched one nipple, while his lips, his tongue, his teeth found the other. I mumbled something again, and I moved against his dick enough for him to moan into my breast, enough that I could feel the vibrations of his teeth against me.

Edward's hand was between my legs, slipping along bare skin. I was wet, so freaking wet, like down my thighs wet, like a puddle on the bed wet. He ran his thumb over my clit, over and over again, until I couldn't take it. Until the pressure and the electricity were building to bursting. And when I was almost there, almost completely gone, his finger slipped inside, deep, and I moved against him. And then another finger, and another, and I was dying.

I made myself think, I made my hands slide down his back, against his ass, under his black boxer briefs, moving them lower, until his dick was between my legs, against me, rubbing, moving. Edward kicked off his underwear and he untangled mine from around my ankles.

"Fuck me."

He was hesitant and gentle, teasing me slowly. I tried to move, but he held my hips, keeping me still. His eyes were watching, filling, overflowing, and I felt myself stretching and burning. He was trying so hard not to hurt me again. Deeper, deeper, until finally, I felt his balls against me. His eyes closed and his forehead fell against my pillow, his chest heaving, otherwise still.

I wound my arms around his neck, pulling his body down against mine, heavy, my lips on his neck, on his ear, my hand in his hair. His eyes met mine again, gray and green in the dark room. I nodded a little, encouraging, and he moved, and I moved. My arms tightened around him, my muscles all taut, all alive. It hurt and it didn't, and he slipped in and out, slowly. I gasped and he stilled.

"I love you," I whispered against his ear.

"Fuck," he whispered against mine.

He kissed me, his thumb on my cheek, his other hand on my hip. I stopped thinking, I simply smelled him, felt him, gasped as he kissed me. My arms held him, my thighs held him, my heart held him, open. There were white sheets and down, there were green eyes and large hands. It was soft underneath, and he was hard above, and I was closer and closer and closer. His hips pounded against me, uneven and hard. His head pressed against mine, sweating. Eyes shut tight. Hands in my hair. And I was gone. We were gone. Just breath.

xXxXx

His hands were straying and stroking. His pink lips were smiling, and his eyes were sleepy and bright. "Hey," he whispered, lying next to me, his fingers tangling with my hair, running over my shoulder, his eyes flickering over my tits.

He loved my breasts, even though they were small. He'd told me so. He'd told me that he loved me.

"Hi," I whispered back.

"Thanks for coming today."

I started giggling, and I couldn't stop. I turned my face into the pillow and tried desperately not to act like I was twelve. When I peeked up at him, he was biting his bottom lip and his face was red.

"To the clinic," he clarified.

"I know. I'm a dork," I explained. "I wanted to see it." My eyes darted involuntarily downward, and I started giggling again. Edward playfully pushed me on my back.

"I meant the clinic," I laughed as Edward pinned my shoulders to the bed. "I meant the clinic."

His face was so close to mine, still smiling shyly. His hair finally fit his status… he _had_ just been fucked. I kissed him quickly and felt it everywhere.

"Bella." My name fell from his lips.

And I wound my arms around him again, I kissed him again, and I wrapped my leg around him, over his hip. I was finally on top of him, one hand on his chest, and one hand on his face. I could feel him growing beneath me.

"Bella," he murmured again in that 'listen to me' whisper of his, and I was undone.

He brought his hands to my hips. I remembered the first time he held me that way, and I was completely disbelieving that this moment was mine, was ours. I ran my lips along his length and paused at his head, suddenly nervous, suddenly aching and wet all over, again. His hands clenched my hips harder, his eyelids pressed tight. His dick was actually heavy. I ran my hand over it once, twice, and his fingers curled, and his hips moved. I tilted it upwards; I angled my entrance over him and held my breath.

I hissed, and I moved, and I pressed my thighs around his hips. I was dripping wetness, and I was sweating, and he was finally inside, and it seemed impossible that I didn't feel him in my throat. I watched his dick and my pussy, disbelieving as I ground against him. He gasped, and when I looked up I could see that he'd been watching too, and I almost came right there, right then. His hands on my hips, his eyes on my pussy, on my tits. I shuddered and fell forward, rocking, gasping, tits grazing his chest, nails against his scalp. Working, clutching, sucking… _fucking_ Edward Masen.

"Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck…"

And I was done, my walls contracting, and he was done, pulsing inside me. We were wet where we connected, our bodies were bathed in sweat, and we slipped against one another, all limbs, all lips. We rolled to our sides, still connected, kissing, holding, never getting enough. We were tangled, the sheets were tangled, and I finally drifted off, holding, shuddering, loving.

Loving.

xXxXx

It was dark when I woke. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to me, his head in his hands. I was instantly worried, and I reached for his arm. He covered my hand with his, and I watched his shoulders relax.

"Edward?"

"I shouldn't stay."

Those three words were crushing because they were true. I couldn't do that to Ness. I couldn't confuse things any more for her.

I settled behind him on my knees, my legs spread, so my folds grazed his ass, so my tits were pressed against his back, my arms around his chest, my head on his shoulder.

He held my hands. He kissed them.

"Don't think I want to get away, Bella. For the first time, maybe ever, I don't want to leave."

I believed him and it took my breath away. And it was at least a minute before I could speak, before we tried to move.

"Alice and Rose are supposed to come over tomorrow night. Girls' night. I could tell them not to."

"No, it's good. You have your friends. It's important."

What he was saying was true again, but it added to the hurt, even if it was healthy. I sighed and held him tighter.

"Saturday? I could come over Saturday," he whispered, kissing my arm, his lips so soft, in contrast to the slight nip of his teeth.

"Alice is supposed to be working with Ness Saturday morning."

"I'd have you all to myself, then?"

"Saturday," I agreed. A day had never shined with so much promise.

Edward stood, his back still to me, and he was absolutely gorgeous: lean and muscular, his pale skin almost shining in the moonlight. I helped him collect his clothing, and I tried not to stare as he put everything back on, one article at a time.

His eyes fell on me, burning and green. It was only then that I realized that he was fully clothed while I was more than naked, more exposed than I'd ever been before a man. But I wasn't embarrassed, or ashamed, instead I had to resist the urge to start removing his clothing. Again.

Finally, I came to my senses and wrapped a sheet around myself. Edward smiled and held my hand as we walked down the stairs, and his smile grew as we passed Ness's room and heard her soft little snores.

He picked his suit jacket off the floor. He slipped on his shoes.

"I hate leaving."

His finger traced the line of my jaw, and his lips were soft against mine. "Does love always feel like this? Like bursting?" And he almost smiled, probably at the absurdity of his words, but I understood.

"It feels like it now."

"Saturday."

"Come early."

"You couldn't keep me away."

xXxXx

Esme watched Ness again on Friday. They made cookies for our girl's night. And they made guacamole, and bean dip, and a batch of kettle corn. If I wasn't careful, I'd gain five pounds before I saw Edward again.

I helped Esme gather all of the unnecessary cooking utensils she'd brought over.

"You've been an amazing help, Esme. Thank you."

"I was glad to do it." She smiled. She looked around the room and then back at me, and smiled again. I could tell there was something she was dying to ask. But she was too well bred and proper to broach the subject. I knew what she was wondering, but I said nothing.

"Will I see you two at the game tomorrow?" Esme asked.

"The game?"

"Emmett's first game of the season. Or his team's first game. You know what I mean."

I hadn't known. Neither Edward nor Rosalie had said anything about it.

"What game, mama?" Ness asked, her mouth full of cookie dough. "We goin' to a game?"

"It's a Cullen family tradition," Esme said. "We're always there for the first game. After that, with work and busy lives, there are no guarantees."

"Oh, mama, pal-lease!"

"We're not Cullens, Esme."

"Semantics, dear. It would be perfect if you and Vanessa came."

"I don't know. I should ask…"

"Of course you should," Esme cut in. "If you and Vanessa are there, then he'll come too. It's been too long." She bustled around the kitchen, looking very at-home, and very pleased with herself.

Esme's request left me anxious, though. It seemed too presumptuous, and I didn't like that I hadn't heard about this before. I felt certain that Rose would have mentioned the game if Emmett wanted me there, or that Edward should have brought it up when we'd talked about hanging out Saturday.

Esme rubbed my arm, distracting me from my vague worries. "I'm sorry, Bella. I can be too pushy. I certainly don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. If you're not there this year, there's always the next."

Esme winked and gave me a hug, and kissed Ness on the cheek, before stealing a cookie, grabbing her bags, and making her way to the front door.

"Have fun tonight, ladies."

"Bye, Essmee. I lo' you."

"Goodnight, sweetie. You'll have to tell me how the girls liked the food we made. And if I don't see you tomorrow, have a wonderful first week at school."

"I will, Essmee. Night."

Ness managed to stay awake for all of about thirty minutes of girl's night. Stuffed full of bean dip and cookies, and after downing about a half gallon of milk, she could hardly keep her eyes open. She slipped off to sleep easily, listening to Edward's mother playing Chopin's Piano Concerto no. 2.

After quietly closing her door, I ran down the stairs. Finally I'd get the chance to talk about the past three days. I still couldn't believe that things could have turned around so completely. Jake was gone, Edward loved me, and he'd nearly spent the night. We'd made love. More than once.

"Christ, this was a week from hell," I heard Rosalie confessing to Alice as I walked into the kitchen.

"Football season," Alice said, re-filling her wine glass. "You'll have to get used to it. Maybe you should get to know some of the other football wives."

Alice didn't seem notice the way Rosalie flushed red when she'd said the word 'wife'. I did. I knew Rosalie. I guessed Edward and I weren't the only couple moving kind of fast.

"You'll be there tomorrow, right?" Alice asked Rose.

"Of course."

"Nice. I'm working with Ness in the morning, but I'll be by in time for the start of the game. What about you and Edward?" Alice asked as she handed my wine glass back to me.

Rose studiously avoided my eyes.

"I don't know," I managed. Rose cleared her throat and walked back into the living room.

"Oh, you guys should come!" Alice gushed as we carried the chips and dips into the other room.

"I don't know about that," Rose mumbled into her wine glass. She may as well have shouted it though, and the room fell awkwardly silent. This was not at all how I expected the night to start.

I placed the chips and my wine glass on the table and stood in front of my friend, my arms crossed. She was easily a head taller, and anyone watching me confront her like that would have probably laughed out loud. "Do you have something you want to say, Rose?"

"Number one: He's your patient." Rose looked like she was trying to stay calm.

"He left Carlisle's practice," I shot back.

"Really!" Alice almost jumped where she stood. I nodded my head and smiled, Alice reached across the table to grab my hand.

"He's been seeing Carlisle since he was -"

"Nineteen," Alice and I said at the same time.

"He really likes you."

I nodded emphatically.

"He's supposed to be your lawyer," Rosalie added, gritting her teeth.

"I hired a new lawyer yesterday."

"Really!" Alice cried. I nodded again, and Alice giggled. "Yay!" she cheered under her breath, casting a cautious eye in Rose's direction. Then she flashed me a thumb's up.

"And he grabbed you and hurt you, and he walked out on you at least twice, and then he pissed you off at the fundraiser, not to mention the way he's treated his ex, and the way he doesn't even have a pot to piss in, living off Emmett like he did for so long, and -"

"Shut up, Rosalie!" I yelled.

I was more than angry, and damn well ready to slap her. "You're supposed to be my best friend, and you're _supposed _to support me. But you haven't even given me a chance to speak tonight and you're already casting judgment on my relationship."

"Your _relationship_? You broke up with Jake three days ago."

"You know what, Rose? I've had enough. Either support me in this, or get the hell out!"

I may as well have slapped Rose. Her face was scarlet and she held her hand over her cheek.

"I don't want to see you throw your life away for a loser."

"And I guess you don't want me to be happy, either. Can't you see that I'm fucking happy?" Well, technically, I wasn't happy at the moment. In fact, I couldn't remember ever being angrier with Rose.

"What about Ness? Jake's gone, and now this ex-druggie is hanging around, this insensitive prick, this guy that thinks nothing of leaving a lifelong relationship and just walking away? What about when he walks away from you? From her?"

"You were at his benefit, Rose. Can't you see what a good man he is? What he's done for hundreds of children. Haven't you seen him with Ness?

"And what about when the court takes her away because you're a single mom that's fucking around with her lawyer?"

"Take that fucking back, Rosalie!"

"You're talking about my cousin," Alice said very calmly, inserting her tiny body between Rose and me. "And Tanya, who was like one of my closest friends… Their relationship was completely screwed up, not that it's any of your business. So I don't think you should stand there and yell at Bella and talk about things you don't know anything about."

"Rosalie, I love him. He loves me."

Alice's face brightened and she grabbed my hand. "He told you that?"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god, Bella. He doesn't say those kind of things, like ever."

"I know. But he really does."

"Jesus Christ," Rosalie muttered, gathering her things. "How long have you two known each other, and he loves you? And that makes everything just fucking peachy?"

And if I hadn't been angry enough before, now I was fuming. "What the hell gives you the right to jump head first into a relationship with a guy that's slept with half the women in Philly, but Edward and I aren't allowed? Is it because I'm a mom? Because I've fucked up in the past? How come you're entitled, but I'm not, Rose?"

"I don't like him, Bella. I just don't."

"But I do. Isn't that what's important?"

"You're not being fair, Rose," Alice added. "Emmett and Edward are family. Don't make problems where there aren't any."

"I'm sorry. Sometimes to be supportive you have to use tough love. What I walked into at that bar on Monday, at J's show, the way he was looking at you, Bell, the way he was holding you. You were so drunk you could hardly stand. And after what you've told me about your husband. That was fucked up. I just hope you come to your senses before it's too late. Before he really hurts you."

"Rose, it's not like that."

"Keep telling yourself that, Bell. Actually, no, I hope you snap out of it."

Rose slammed the door behind her. I couldn't believe it. We'd been friends for so long, and after the way I supported her through her whole relationship with that loser, Royce. Sure I hadn't approved of any of it, but I'd stood by her. I'd been there after he left.

And that's when it occurred to me… after he left. What if Rose had felt about Royce the way I did about Edward? What if Edward left? God, I'd had no idea how devastated Rosalie had felt. I'd seen, but I hadn't even begun to understand.

"Hey, Bella?" Alice asked. She handed me back my wine, she pulled me to the couch.

"Yeah?"

"That sucked."

"It did."

"I know she's your friend."

"And your brother's girlfriend."

"Yep," Alice agreed, plopping down onto the couch next to me.

"She thinks she's being protective. She thinks she knows from experience."

"She's being a douchebag," Alice countered.

"That too." I laughed bitterly and Alice put her arm around my shoulders. "You don't think we both lost our best friends over this, do you, Alice?"

Alice shook her head. "Edward is my best friend. Tanya was his girlfriend, his… whatever. But it was always wrong. I know it's been, what, three days or something? But you two are good for each other. Dude, the first time we came over here together, he was so nervous. He liked you so much even then."

"He did?"

"Bella, I've known him forever, and I've never seen him fall for anyone like he's fallen for you. And for Ness."

I let that information settle in and feel good. I let it do battle with all of the shit Rosalie had slung in my face. But my mind kept taking me down dark and unpleasant paths. Rosalie was right about at least one thing: Edward had been damaged. He had a past that was hard to ignore, that colored his entire life.

"Hey, Alice?"

"Yeah?" She smiled brightly, her mouth full of Ness and Esme's kettle corn.

"Maybe I don't have a right to ask this… maybe it's wrong. But Edward's mentioned it enough. He talks about you finding him… when he was nineteen."

Alice's pale face blanched a shade of white only seen on printer paper and new-fallen snow. "What do you want to know?" she choked, struggling to swallow her snack.

"I… I don't know, really."

I paused. Alice chewed and swallowed. She took a long sip of wine before continuing.

"I thought I was too late. We almost lost him." she said quietly, blinking a little too much.

"How did you know where, or what…?"

But Alice was shaking her head before I even finished the question. "I hadn't seen him in such a long time. I'd always see him at shows, and I'd show up at Food Not Bombs just to check in, kind of. But he was gone, and it happened so quick." Alice shook her foot nervously, her ever-present smile was gone, her bright black-brown eyes were dull.

Suddenly, I couldn't figure out why I'd brought this up. There was nothing that I wanted to know. I didn't want to know what he looked like, where he was. I didn't want to think about track marks or boils, or how skinny he must have been. I was just scared that he was ever in that place, and so grateful to Alice for bringing him back.

"Thanks, for finding him," I whispered.

Alice wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Thanks for bringing him back," she said, clutching my hand. "It's been too long."

"He's just so worried, sometimes. About me, and him, and Ness."

"I know."

"But, do you think -"

"Dude! Why do you two keep asking me? Seriously, I'm not in this relationship. Edward loves you. More than I can remember him loving anything. I know that maybe it's quick and it doesn't make sense, but in this past month he's changed his whole world because of it. So, no matter what happens in the end, it's already done so much good."

Part of what Alice said, at least, was right on. I hadn't known how dead I'd felt until I met Edward, and he'd awoken emotions, and actual physical sensations that I hadn't known existed in real life. But that part about the end… it did matter. What would happen to me if it didn't turn out right in the end?

xXxXx

**B: Missing you.**

**E: How long until morning?**

**B: Ness is up at 6.**

**E: Don't tempt me.**

**B: Come for a run with me?**

**E: Yes, please.**

**B: !**

**E: Text speak. **

**B: ! is not text speak. **

**E: Close enough.**

**B: Bring a change of clothes? Spend the day?**

Silence and a blank screen.

I held the phone in my hands, rubbing it with my thumbs like he should be able to feel them. Maybe it was all too much. Maybe he had other things to do. Maybe he was planning on going to Emmett's game without me. The phone rang, and I almost dropped it.

"Edward!"

"I love you, Bella."

I was the silent one this time, the lucky one. I didn't feel pressured to say it back. It just felt good to have his breath on the other end of the line, his hand holding the phone, keeping the connection.

"I'll see you in the morning?" he asked, sounding almost shy after his admission.

"Early."

"Night, baby."

"Night."

I held the phone against my chest as I made my way up the stairs. I looked around the room, glanced at the bed. I hadn't had the will to change the sheets, or to even straighten them. They were a mess, just like we'd left them. They smelled like him. The indentation of his head was still on… Jacob's pillow.

Jacob's pillow. Fuck.

I grabbed the pillow. It smelled like Edward. I found a strand of his copper hair. Jake had purchased the pillow. It was specially crafted to support his neck where he'd been injured in football in high school. I threw the damn thing across the room and it landed in front of Jake's closet. The closet full of his clothing, full of his fishing gear, full of our fucking lives.

It wasn't simply the pillow and the closet, though. Evidence of Jake was all over the room, _our_ room. And filled with sudden, sad inspiration, I ran downstairs and rifled through the closet under the stairs. Back upstairs with a box, I began making the room my own. I carefully wrapped pictures of his dad and sisters. I packed his carved wooden box of keepsakes that I never opened, his awful colognes, his pictures of me.

My eyes teared as I held the picture of the two of us at the beach when I was twelve. He'd been about nine. He was taller than me, even then. Jake hadn't called since he'd walked away from me after his proposal. I was more certain than ever that I'd lost my oldest and dearest friend.

xXxXx

"_**This is Jake. Leave me a message."**_

_Beep._

"Jake, this is ridiculous. We're adults. We have to talk. It's been three days. Ness has been asking about you. Your stuff is here. I never wanted to hurt you like this. Please call. Please."

* * *

**A/N: Once again, TPOL has been nominated for FanFic of the Month (FFOTM) over on Twilight FanFic Addicts on facebook! Voting is open from September 30th, 2010 - midnight October 1st, 2010. If you're on facebook, there is a link to voting on the Twilight FanFic Addict's wall. It's a great site and a wonderful reference for awesome fics. Please consider voting for TPOL. M**

xXxXx

**This chapter was more poignant than I'd set out to write. Sometimes characters surprise you... and Little Bell and Rosalie both surprised me this week. As always, thanks for the reviews, the messages on facebook, the comments over at Twilighted, the conversations over at FFFW! **

**TPOL has had a bunch of new readers and reviewers this past week. Hi newbies! If you want to join the TPOL conversation, there are a couple of ways to do it:**

**There's the Twilighted thread: http:/www . twilighted . net/forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&t=12024**

**There's my fanfic facebook account. I send out Friday teasers on facebook. I'm Belladonna Cullen in Philadelphia, PA**

**Oh, and if you're a member of thefreedomfanfictionwriters, there's a discussion over there too: http:/www . thefreedomfanfictionwriters . com/group/adultahautwilightfanfiction/forum/topics/the-practice-of-love**

**Finally, for the peeps that have begged for a playlist, I've listed all of the songs mentioned in TPOL on my profile page, with a link to the TPOL playlist on mixpod. Enjoy!**

**Until next week, xxx, M**


	21. Chapter 18

**EPOV**

I never thought I'd say it, but I couldn't fucking wait for Lauren to get back. I hoped she'd had a fucking phenomenal week off, because it was going to take some serious overtime to put right all the shit this temp had handled while she was away.

Yesterday it took the temp thirty fucking minutes to find the Hannigan file. To be fair, up until yesterday she was incapable of finding any file at all. She hadn't yet mastered putting them away. And she asked how I would like my memos formatted, every fucking morning. Who the fuck cares how their memos are formatted? I'd asked her to schedule the meeting with Laurent three times. Then, this morning when I asked about the meeting, it wasn't on the books.

Of course, it's not like I actually needed a meeting to talk with Laurent. But I thought the formality of an actual appointment was an appropriate way to let him know that I'd lost a client. There was a fucking first time for everything. Bella Swan was my first.

I purposefully wandered into his office early, before the firm was full of little shits trying to talk up the boss about his big vacation.

"Edward! Good to fucking see you."

"How was your vacation?" Fine, I wasn't that far removed from those little shits. He _was _my boss, after all.

Laurent raised his eyebrows and checked to make sure no one was looking. "I don't get Russians."

I couldn't help snorting with laughter, and shook my head as I filled a cup with coffee.

"Or maybe it's just her family. Irina's relatives drink more than any human beings should be physically capable of. And they are absolutely insane."

I couldn't help but agree, however Laurent was talking about different relatives entirely. There was insanity a lot closer to home, as far as I could tell.

"And what did you think of Moscow?" I asked, wondering how long I should make small talk before bringing the topic around to Bella.

"It's like another fucking world: alien and beautiful. And expensive! Who would have fucking thought it could be so pricey?"

"Not if you spent your money on vodka and potatoes."

"I was with Irina. Not a fucking chance."

"So, do babushka and dedushka approve?"

"Irina said they did, but I don't know if I believe it. Especially the grandmother. I'm pretty sure she gave me the Russian version of the evil eye, daily. But what the fuck do I care? They're thousands of miles away and they'll be dead soon."

I couldn't help but wonder if Laurent had always been such a callous prick. I don't think I'd ever noticed before.

"Wedding's still on, then?"

"A month away."

I had nothing to fucking say to that. Being tethered to any member of that family left me with a feeling of dread. Laurent's only hope was to stay on Irina's good side. But I was a family law attorney and I knew firsthand that a lifetime of wedding bliss was un-fucking-likely, to say the least.

My boss cleared his throat, dug his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. "You're not here before eight to talk about Moscow, or your ex-girlfriend's distant relatives."

"You're right."

"So?"

I took a sip of coffee. "I'm here about a case. Isabella Swan?"

I watched Laurent relax and laugh a little. "Jesus, I thought you were going to ask about your ex. A case? What happened, Masen? You actually lose one? Did hell freeze over while I was gone?"

"No, uh, Ms. Swan's case hasn't gone to trial. There were some, um, complications."

"Complications? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Fuck, Laurent, we fucking, you know… Ms. Swan and I, Jesus." I ran my hand through my hair and turned to look out the window. The fountain was dyed pink this morning. Fucking ridiculous. "We've developed… feelings for one another. I transferred her over to Kachiri, Zafrina and Senna."

"Shit, Edward. The competition?"

"I didn't want to screw with her case by keeping it here."

"You sent her and her retainer away so you could screw her? You owe me a ten thousand dollar screw!"

"Fuck, Laurent. It's not like that."

"You're telling me this isn't about a piece of ass?"

I shut the fuck up. It was about so much more than that, but it wasn't any of Laurent's business, anymore. There was no way I was discussing Bella except to say that I lost her business. He could be pissed at me, but that's where it ended. I didn't owe him anything else.

"Holy hell, I get it, now. It's not _only_ a piece of ass. Jesus Christ, really?"

"I don't fucking know, Laurent."

"Does Tanya know?"

I though about how Kate stormed out of the fundraiser earlier in the week. I had no doubt she'd told Tanya that Bella and I had fooled around. But Tanya knew me well enough not to suspect anything deeper.

"This shit has nothing to do with Tanya, so I'd appreciate it if you kept this between us."

"Fuck, Edward. Just don't make a fucking habit of this."

"Not fucking likely," I laughed.

"You owe me a client."

"Before the end of the day."

"I'll count on it."

xXxXx

'Early' was a word made specifically to taunt those that didn't fucking sleep. I was dressed, had a bag packed, and I'd downed the 'health conscious' option on the room service menu: a bowl of Cheerios with skim milk, a glass of grapefruit juice and coffee, all by 6:10 a.m. It was ten minutes after Little Bell was supposed to be up. It was crazy person early. Too early to show up at Bella's house.

My impulse was to go for a run, but I'd already said I'd run with Bella later. How the hell would I explain running twice in one morning? I was trying to avoid crazy, but it was like fighting the fucking tide.

I left the hotel and wandered around downtown. It was deserted, and the sleepy streets smelled like piss. The newspaper stand was open, and I resisted the urge for another coffee. I chose water and a newspaper instead, and walked across the street to the park. It was quiet, full of sleeping homeless men and women, its paths traveled only by the odd early morning jogger.

I settled against the marble edge of the fountain and tried to focus on the headlines. I tried to care about the economic implications of the new casino on the waterfront, the crackdown on gangs along South 7th, and the impact of the recession on the upcoming mid-term elections. I didn't give a shit. Add the patter of the water in the fountain to memories of Bella, and newsprint became meaningless black lines on thin graying paper. I pulled out a pen from my pocket and began doodling along the margins of the page. A picture of Bella in dots and dashes began to emerge, hazy and probably all fucking wrong. When I was a kid, I played and my mom wrote out the notes. But that was in another fucking life.

Whatever. I decided to follow Bella's advice and let go of that shit.

Letting go, (Thank you for that)

It was easier to think about her than to worry and second-guess my actions. I lost myself in the memory of her body underneath mine, how well we'd fit together, how she'd whispered that she loved me while my dick was buried inside her, how she'd wrapped her body around me because she didn't want to let me go. My breath went shallow and even, and my fingers seemed to move on their own. My stomach jumped as I thought about spending the entire fucking day with her, and about the possibility of fucking her again. Making love to her again. My stomach rolled uncomfortably as I tried to imagine something beyond today. Any more than today was fucking frightening, because I knew that I'd screw something up. With those unpleasant thoughts, I saw the notes turning sour, the melody darker, and the rhythm in counterpoint to the splash of the fountain.

No matter. As I looked around, the homeless had disappeared and they were replaced with more runners and retail workers on their sorry way to weekend jobs. It was normal person early. I tore out the pages I'd doodled on, folded them carefully and slipped them into my bag, dumped the rest of the useless paper into the nearest recycling bin, and made my way back to the hotel to get my car.

xXxXx

"Ewoord! Ewoord!" Little Bell struggled with the locks, and my heart flip-flopped. Finally the door was open and she jumped into my arms. "You come'ed!"

"Does your mom always let you answer the door like that?"

"No, she told-ed me not to. But I see'ed it was you," Ness replied, eying me with some curiosity. "Ewoord, why you not have funny hair anymore?"

"Because I grew up."

"So, I can have funny hair cause I'm little?"

"_I _thought you were _big_."

Little Bell scrunched up her face. I'd beat her at her own game, and laughed a little as I walked over the threshold with her in my arms. I didn't want to be to blame if she suddenly wanted to shave her head and dye her hair purple. She wiggled out of my arms and ran to the back of the house calling for Bella. I caught sight of Felix as I turned to close the door. He shook his head and smirked, and I knew what he was thinking. I was a fucking lost cause with these two women, and I knew it.

"Do your fucking job," I silently mouthed before shutting the door on his ugly mug.

"Hey." Bella smiled in my direction. Ness was tugging at her hand, practically dragging her out of the kitchen. "You made it."

Like there was anything that could have kept me away.

I slipped off my shoes, and stood awkwardly near the door, suddenly without any idea what to do. I wanted Bella in my arms. Fuck, I wanted her naked and in her bed. But Little Bell smiled and looked back and forth between the two of us and I was at a fucking loss.

"Hey, Ness? Why don't you put one of your records on for Edward?"

"Okay, mama! I have _so_ many records, Ewoord," Ness began babbling. "I have baby records, but now cause I big, I have records for dancing, and records for sleeping, and…"

"Hey," Bella nudged me. "Coffee?"

I didn't need another cup of coffee, but her face was so close to mine and her fingers were running along my waist. I'd fucking follow her anywhere. And once we were past the kitchen door, once she had her back to me and her hands were reaching for coffee mugs, there was no more indecision about what I should be doing. With one step I was behind her, my lips at her neck, turning her in my arms, her lips, her tits, her ass in my hands.

"Jesus fucking Christ, I missed you," I mumbled into her mouth. Until talking was impossible, until my hand found its way under her shirt, under her sports bra, until my other hand was down her pants. And she gasped, and her knees shook, and techno music suddenly blasted from the living room.

Bella giggled, her lips against mine. "That would be Ness."

"Or the ghost of the rave."

Bella shuddered and her eyes went wide with sudden alarm. She looked so frightened that I couldn't help but laugh. "Are you scared of ghosts or of ravers?"

She shook her head and tried to shake the fear, but it didn't work. "I don't like the idea of dead people with grudges hanging around. I'm hard enough on myself."

"I'm pretty sure it was just Nessie," I said, pushing her hair behind her ear, trying to stroke away the panic.

"Yeah," she agreed, still looking absurdly shaken by my mention of ghosts.

"Maybe it's not about grudges. My mom always told me she'd watch over me after she was gone. Maybe ghosts are all about protection."

"Do you really believe that?"

I laughed again, bitterly this time. "Not a fucking chance. I spent too long pissed at my mom for letting my dad drink himself sick. When she left, she didn't hang out, she was gone. Shit Bella, there's enough to worry about without ghosts, don't you think?"

"Yeah," she laughed. "I don't know why it scares me."

I kissed her lips, soft and quick. "So, you're not into ghosts. But vampires…" I playfully nipped at her neck.

"Are you making fun of me again?"

I kissed and licked where I'd bitten and felt her body fall against mine. "No, I'm fucking biting you. There might be something to this vampire shit. I find this seriously sexy."

Bella laughed and craned her neck so that she could nibble at my earlobe. I felt the sting of her teeth everywhere, and I pressed my body against hers, so that she knew it.

"Any other supernatural proclivities I should know about?" I asked. I ran my hands down her back, over her ass. Her hands mirrored mine, down my back over my ass. I picked her up and sat her on the counter and fit my body between her thighs. "What do you think about mummies?"

"Wound too tight."

"Very fucking funny, Bella. Werewolves?"

"I'm allergic to dogs." We laughed, we kissed, and we were interrupted by Ness.

"Mama! I _hungry_!"

"Can we finish this later?" she asked, her fingertip tracing my lower lip.

"I fucking hope so," I said, playfully snapping at her finger.

I ate another breakfast. I sat on the bench next to Ness and she poured too much syrup on my blueberry pancakes, a good two hundred fifty calories worth. But, from what I could tell, the batter was homemade with whole-wheat flour and flax seeds. And as I glanced around the room, I noticed that it was too clean, maybe. Bella watched as I ate, and Ness made sure I mopped up all the syrup. We listened to Ness' dance music, and the little girl held my hand under the table, just like her mom did when we went out for pizza.

There was an urgent knock on the front door and Little Bell jumped in her seat. Her buttery, syrup covered pancake landed in my lap.

"Shit."

Two sets of brown eyes went wide.

"I mean, fu-, I mean, um, oops?"

"I sorry, Ewoord," Nessie said, her little fingers darting towards my crotch to try to make it all right. I blocked her hand. I tipped her head up and looked into her big, brown, apologetic eyes.

"It's fine, sweetie."

Across the table, Bella was cringing. "It's syrup, Bella. It's fine."

"Can I get you something?" she asked, jumping to her feet. Nessie looked between us nervously, and there was another knock at the door. Suddenly, everything was too much. Bella with a too clean house about to loose her shit over a pancake on my lap.

"Just get Alice, Bella. I can clean this up. It's nothing."

She bit her lip and smiled, and I went to get something from the kitchen to wipe my shorts with. After a dishtowel and some water, I fucking looked like I'd pissed my pants. Awesome.

Alice walked into the kitchen and her eyes immediately went to my crotch. "Have an accident there, big brother?" she giggled.

"It's butter and syrup, Alice. And water."

"Just keep telling yourself that," she said, laughing and helping herself to a glass of water.

"Fucking-A, Alice." I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms, ready to take whatever Alice was going to dish my way. It was easier than fighting her, easier than getting angry.

"So, you two are going to _work out_ while I'm here with Nessie?"

I shrugged and took a swig of her water.

"You wouldn't happen to be using the gym at your hotel, would you?"

"Fuck you, Alice," I laughed, nudging her with my hip. But I had to give it to her, it wasn't a bad fucking idea.

"Make it back in time for the game, though, okay?"

"What game?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Emmett's game. U Penn versus Villanova, this afternoon."

"I don't know shit about a game."

"It's the Saturday after Labor Day, and Emmett's only been playing football his entire life. Don't tell me you don't know when football season starts."

"Emmett hasn't said shit to me, Alice. And I've been… distracted."

Alice smiled slyly. "Well, I'll give you that. He seriously didn't invite you?"

"Why the fuck would I lie?"

Alice looked away and muttered something under her breath that sounded like, "That bitch really has him pussy-whipped."

"What did you just say?" I asked, laughing a little, because it didn't sound like Alice at all.

"You guys should come. It would make mom's year."

"Not this again," Bella said, walking into the kitchen, wrapping her arm around my waist.

It was such an easy gesture, and the fact that she felt comfortable touching me in front of Alice made me forget about my stained and sticky shorts. Hell, it almost made me forget about Alice. "Alice, it's Emmett's game," Bella continued, "and you're Emmett's family. Just go and have a good time. I'm not about to get into a pissing match with Rose. Not in front of my boss."

"What are you talking about, baby?" I asked.

Alice sighed and smiled, and remained annoying close.

"Nothing. My friend's an ass, that's all. Do you mind skipping Emmett's game? Or you could go, if you wanted. I don't want to keep you from your family."

"We're not going, Alice," I announced, absurdly happy about Bella's proximity and joint decision-making and the word 'we'.

My cousin's face fell. "Mom's going to be disappointed."

"When was the last time I was at a game?"

"I think that's the point," Alice pouted.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Bella said, leaning her head against my chest. I tightened my grip on her waist.

"You don't have anything to apologize for. Are you ready to go, baby?"

"You're sure you can handle Ness alone, Alice?"

"I'll be fine. You two try not to, uh… pull anything, working out," Alice coughed. I flashed her the finger as we left. Bella hugged Ness on the way out, and then the little girl ran at me, arms outstretched. "I sorry about your short pants, Ewoord."

"Listen to me, Vanessa. They're just shorts. No more apologizing, sweetie. Okay?"

"Okay, Ewoord. See you later?"

"Later, Little Bell."

Running was as solitary a thing to do as anything possibly could be, and running _with_ someone usually annoyed the hell out of me: keeping pace with them, minding where their body was in relation to mine, stopping when they stopped. But running with Bella was something else entirely. For one, she was fucking fast. No matter that my legs were longer, she led me through the city, she had me by the balls, and I fucking loved it. And then there were the little sounds she made, the confident way she moved through space, the way she held herself: I got lost in it, forgot myself, ran without fucking thinking about anything, except her. It was a fucking phenomenal way to spend the morning.

Bella led us across town on small streets so we wouldn't have to stop for lights. Then unexpectedly, we were running up the river trail along the Schuylkill, with choppy brown water on one side and landscaped greenery on the other. By the time we'd made it to the Art Museum, I was done and collapsed against the stone wall lining the path. Bella slowed to a stop and smiled at my pathetic, gasping display.

"You think this is fucking funny?"

She just shook her head and smiled, then had the good grace to look away, out towards the big stone bridges connecting downtown to West Philly.

"Where'd you learn to run like that?" I managed between lungfulls of air that stung like daggers.

Bella shrugged her shoulders.

"Please say something to drown out the sound of my lungs collapsing."

"I pretend I'm running away... from him. I never ran until after this," she said, running her hand along the scar on her shin, her back still to me.

"Jesus."

"Fucking James."

"He's not going to hurt you again."

"Everyone says that, but no one knows for sure."

"Who has fucking security watching your house?"

Bella's shoulders fell and she finally turned back towards me. I stood to my full height and tried to look like she hadn't just kicked my ass.

"You're definitely trying harder than anyone else ever has to keep him away."

I shrugged, unsure if what Bella said was a compliment. I couldn't think of the right thing to say. Bella glanced at something over my head. I followed her line of vision up the tall rock wall, until I spotted a gazebo sitting up at the summit.

"That's where he did it," she said. I didn't have any fucking idea what she meant.

"Who did what? James?"

"Jake. It's where he proposed, Tuesday."

I knew it had probably been an incredibly painful experience for both of them, so I tried not to laugh. But that shit was completely over-the-top, textbook romantic, and desperately unoriginal. Jake was probably the thousandth dude to propose up there. Still, having the memory of Jake's recent proposal literally looming over my head made it feel like he was looking over my shoulder, or some shit.

"Have you spoken to him?"

Bella sighed, leaned against the rock wall next to me and looked back at the river.

"I've left messages. He hasn't called back."

"He's hurt."

"I know, but Ness didn't hurt him." Bella pounded her fist against the wall. "She starts school Monday. It's like one of the biggest days in her life. He's just going to skip it without saying anything to her? Move out without saying anything to her?"

It was a shit thing to do, and it fucking made me mad as hell to think about how Jake was hurting Ness, but my hands were fucking tied. I would probably be the last person he wanted to hear that shit from.

"I'd kick his ass if I thought it would help."

"I don't even know where to find his ass."

"That's fucking fine with me."

Bella rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest.

"Hey," I said, nudging her shoulder, "You've got to give it some time, okay? It's been a couple days, Bella. Everyone's emotions are still raw."

She unfolded her arms and slid a hand across the rocks, her fingers tracing the damp crevasses in the uneven stone. I slid my hand over hers, and she curled her fingers around mine shyly, like she was hiding from the kid, like he was still up there on the hill.

"I just want it done, Edward. Maybe that's not fair of me, but I don't like this feeling of hanging, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

We walked along the path still holding hands. I tried to concentrate on Bella and stroked her palm with my thumb. But it became progressively harder to ignore the way people kept glancing at the dark stain on my fucking crotch and smirking. After five or six very obviously amused women, Bella's mood began to lift and she started to giggle.

"Sorry. I look like a fucking idiot," I muttered.

"You don't look like an idiot," Bella said, laughing harder, stealing a glance at my shorts.

"Shut the fuck up," I replied pulling away from her.

"You don't look like an idiot." Bella took my hand back. "You look, um, kind of really hot, and really sweaty, and really… incontinent."

"You think you're fucking funny?"

Bella laughed harder and nodded.

I grabbed her under the arms and tickled. She laughed harder, and her legs buckled. I held her up with one arm, and tickled with the other. Bella squealed, and wriggled, and I walked us over to the grass, where it wouldn't hurt so hard if she fell.

"No!" she laughed. "No, please!"

"What, you don't want to be tickled by an incontinent man?"

I started lowering her to the grass. "No! Edward!"

Bella struggled harder, I tickled more. "Edward! Goose poop! Goose poop!"

"What?" I laughed.

"Goose poop," she gasped. "All over the ground."

I quickly lifted her up. "Shit!"

"I know, like everywhere," she said, still laughing.

And I smiled down at her, her face red and happy, her eyes dancing, and I held her close. And it didn't matter so much anymore that we were standing in Jacob's shadow. He wasn't here; he was just a fading memory, and Bella and I were fucking alive.

xXxXx

By the time we made it back to the house, Bella's tank was soaked with sweat, her track shorts clung to her glistening thighs, and little tendrils of hair clung to her forehead and the back of her neck. I knew Alice and Nessie were on the other side of the door, and I had no fucking idea how I was going to keep my hands off Bella. But as we opened the door, the house was quiet, and there was a note in Alice's loopy script on the table by the door.

Taking a work break. Going for cherry ice. -A

Bella smiled nervously as she kicked off her sneakers, then she looked me over from head to toe. "You're sweaty. You want to shower?"

"Fuck yes."

And we ran up the two flights of stairs like we hadn't just run eight fucking miles.

I'd only been in Bella's room once, in the middle of the night. But today it was flooded with light from several huge windows and skylights built into the pitched roof. The walls were a warm bronze, and big green-leafed plants crowded the windows, and sheer curtains fluttered in the breeze. A big, iron-framed bed with too many pillows and very white, very fluffy-looking bedding dominated my field of vision.

And Jacob was gone. The other night I'd seen evidence of him everywhere. But today there were no pictures, the leather chain wallet was missing from the top of the dark brown dresser, there wasn't a work boot peeking out from underneath the bed.

I felt relieved and guilty all at once. This was the kid's home less than a week ago. This had been his girlfriend, the woman he wanted to marry.

"What's the matter?" Bella asked, her hands finding their way under my shirt, up my back, until my cotton T-shirt was on the dark wood floor. And nothing could be wrong with her breasts pressed against my chest.

"Nothing," I murmured, my lips finding hers, my fingers hooking under the edge of her sports bra, until her tits were warm and wet against me. I trailed my nose along her neck. She smelled like flowers in the fucking sea.

"Fuck," she mumbled, her lips against mine.

Thank fucking god the bathroom door was about two steps away, and thank fucking god the hot water ran hard and quick. Otherwise we wouldn't have made it into the glass shower stall. Sooner than I could have hoped, Bella's still sun-kissed and freckled skin was slipping against mine, her ass in my hands, our kisses and moans in time with the patter of water against tile. And suddenly there was soap in her hands, and it slid over my chest and down my back. I pressed her back against tile as lather ran between my legs.

"Jesus."

Bella wrapped her soapy hands around my aching dick, slowly pumping, slippery and warm, hesitant, her eyes searching mine.

And I pulled the wet hair from her face, tipping her head back, my body against hers, feeling her soft curves mold against me. The soap was somehow in my hand, and I let it fall to the ground. I didn't give a shit about the soap.

Bella stilled her hands and eyed the bar of soap on the floor.

"We're supposed to be getting clean."

"Then you've got to take your hands off my dick, because it only makes me think about very dirty things."

She let go and I wished I hadn't said anything. Surely I could have soaped her up while I was getting a hand job. No, on second thought, it would have been fucking impossible. I knelt down to pick up the bar of soap, and starting with her feet, I worked my way slowly upward. Bella collapsed against the tiles, panting, eyes closed.

I avoided the pink folds of her sex, skipping to her tummy, to her tits, until I was standing in front of her, kissing her lips, her soapy, slippery body rubbing against mine.

"I think you missed a spot," she mumbled.

"Fair is fair. Turn around, baby."

Her lips turned up in a narrow hint of a smile, before her body slid under my hands. She placed her hands on the white tiles, her fingers splayed, her ass suddenly pressed against me.

"Ready," she said in a deep, throaty voice, before finishing up with a hiccup of a giggle. She was pretending to be sexy, playing, but it was working all too fucking well. That flowery fucking scent of hers was coming off her skin, it was in the moisture in the air, and combined with her ass rubbing against my dick, it was getting me fucking high. I ran the soap over her shoulders and suds slid down her slender back and over her ass, pooling where we touched. My lips found her neck, my soap-free hand wandered, wrapping around and teasing a hard nipple.

"Fuck," I mumbled as I nipped at her shoulder, as she pulled my hand between her legs. The bar of soap fell for a second time, and this time she didn't ask me to pick it back up.

Warm water pounded and dripped as my dick slid between her ass cheeks, and the wet of water became something more as my finger found her arousal. She pushed her ass against me, and her finger joined mine. _Holy fuck_. We finger fucked her together, and I paid careful attention as her finger curled. I followed her lead and her knees buckled enough so I had to hold her against me to keep her standing. Her fingertip rubbed gently and persistently, leading me to the spot. I took over, mimicking her movements, and she breathed heavily, her ribcage expanding and contracting against me, her body almost shaking.

And I slid my finger out, and slipped my dick from between her ass cheeks, sliding it between her legs, along her folds, and she pressed her ass against me, asking for more. I held my breath, the memory of her raw and swollen skin still too vivid.

"Please," she panted, and the word seemed to hang in the air.

Quicker than I'd planned, my dick glided inside, and she gasped and went on tiptoe and nearly pulled herself off of me. I took a deep breath and held her waist until she settled back on my cock. I wrapped my arm around her chest, my fingers splayed over her breast and I let her lead, let her find a way for me to fit, until we both rocked together, her ass hitting me over and over, her soft cries and my deep breaths coming faster and harder, until the bathroom was full of the sound of us fucking.

"Edward, Edward, Edward."

My name on her lips and it was done, over. I held her body still as I lost myself inside of her. I leaned my forehead against the back of her head, just breathing, just wet bodies, white tiles and water. The air was heavy and humid and smelled like Bella and sex: flowers in the rain.

She wriggled and turned, her body slipping in my arms, my dick slipping from her sex, until she was facing me. She was smiling and giggling again as she pushed the hair from my eyes, and she shimmered out of focus as water streamed over my face.

"That was the best shower, ever."

I laughed and kissed her. And the water was off, and Bella handed me a towel, all white, and fluffy and soft. But instead of using it for myself, I took the time to wrap it around her, tucking the corner securely over her tits. She quickly found another, and gave me a wistful look before leaving me to myself in the bathroom. I towel-dried my hair and tried to catch my breath, before tying the towel around my waist and wandering back into the bedroom.

Bella was standing in front of the big brown bureau, picking through panties, her nipple slipping free from her towel. I pulled out the bag with my change of clothes, but I couldn't take my eyes from her as she dropped her towel, her back to me: her round little ass, the sweet swell of her hips, her tiny waist, the hint of her tits. The sunlight brought out pretty red highlights in her hair, and I watched light and shadows play over her skin as she moved so unselfconsciously. Until she turned around to see me standing and startled, her tits shaking.

But, instead of hiding behind her hair, she pushed it from her reddening face as she picked up her towel and held it in front of her. Her tits peeked out on either side, nipples deep pink and perky and shining in the midday light.

"You're so goddamned beautiful," I murmured as I walked over to her and tugged the towel from her hand. "So fucking pretty." Her skin was still damp and I slid my fingers down her throat, between her tits, over her tummy, until I grasped her lips, pulling, playing. "Fucking girls' night," I mumbled.

The sheer pink panties she'd been holding fell to the floor, her forehead fell against my chest, damp and warm. I slowly twisted and twirled my finger inside her, gently rubbing, arching, searching for that same spot, until her breath came faster, until she was leaning against me with her entire body's weight.

Until it was easy to wrap my free arm around her waist, and walk her to the windowsill, so that soft rays of light glowed from behind her flushed skin, so that sheer curtains billowed around her angelic form. My finger still inside, still caressing the spot that made her weak, her ass on the edge of the sill, her thighs spread.

"So fucking beautiful," I murmured, on my knees before her, her nipples between my lips, between my teeth, kisses raining between her tits in that pretty little hollow that called to me that Sunday a month ago. My mouth followed the path my fingers had taken, as I gently rubbed, as I added another finger, her chest moving steadily up and down, her back pressed against the window.

"Fucking lovely," I murmured against her tummy, as I could smell the salt and musk of her arousal. "Fucking delicious," I added, as my mouth found her wet and swollen, waiting for me. I hitched her legs over my shoulders, incoherent words fell from her mouth, my name on her lips as I licked and sucked and fucked her with my tongue, as I took my time, as my lips locked around her clit, as my fingers moved faster.

Thighs pressing, heels digging, muscles straining, small fists in my hair, until her hips began to move in time with my fingers, fucking my face. Until her walls were throbbing, until her wetness dribbled down my wrist, until she went limp enough that her ass slipped from the sill and she fell into my lap. And I held her and laughed and she hid her head against my shoulder.

"So embarrassing."

"Falling off a window sill? I think, given the circumstances…"

But Bella stayed silent instead of explaining herself, and I let her catch her breath while I played with her hair.

"So fucking perfect," I hummed.

"Oh stop it," Bella said, her lips against my shoulder.

"Bella?"

"I have so many scars…"

I ran my hand over her shin. I picked up her arm and kissed over the spot where that animal bit her wrist.

"You know that's not what I mean."

I didn't have a fucking clue.

Bella's hands slipped down my chest, over her breasts, until they rested on the underside of each. I leaned back and tried to see what she was showing me. There were faint silver lines like snake tracks where here tits met her trunk.

"And here," she murmured. Her hands moved down over her ribs, to her hips. And it was too fucking hot to watch Bella touch herself like that at close range, but I managed to hold myself in check, because her hands were subtly shaking. There were the same faint lines over each hip.

"I don't get it."

"Stretch marks. From when I was pregnant."

"That's what these are?" I'd heard women I represented bitching endlessly about their stretch marks in relation to how their asshole of a husband was out fucking younger chicks. This was what all the shit was about? Fuck if I understood women.

"They're kind of pretty."

Bella looked at me like she wasn't buying that shit for a second. But seriously, it didn't look like anything. "And now… you know about the rest."

"What?"

"Why are you lying?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Half impatient and half frightened, Bella took my hand and brought it between her thighs. I was still fucking hard as a rock, I mean, she _was_ straddling me naked, but I tried as hard as I could to ignore the feel of her hand grazing my cock. She brought my fingers just behind her opening, and ran them over the little bit of skin between her pussy and her ass. It was a little harder than I would have expected, there was a little bumpy ridge.

Bella hid her face against my shoulder again, speaking to my pec instead of to my face. "She was super small, but she was early, and they were in a rush to get her out. So they used forceps, and I tore really badly. I'm all scarred down there."

The idea of her vagina splitting open was horrifying, but the idea that I gave a shit about a scar was almost worse.

"I don't care. I didn't notice," I whispered, rubbing the little patch of skin, being careful not to let my fingers stray the way I wanted them to.

Bella shook her head and her wet hair tickled my chest. "I just wish -"

"There's no wishing, Bella. We both have scars. I mean, aren't we supposed to be stronger where we have scars?"

"That's not true at all. The skin there is weaker, more likely to rip open."

"Really? People always say that shit."

"Yeah, really."

"Huh. Then it's not a perfect analogy. But Bella, every time I hear a piece of what you've been through, and I see what you've done with yourself, with your life, I can't get over how strong you are. You're _more_ beautiful, get it?"

"I don't know."

I guided her hand from between her legs and placed it on my hip, slowly moving towards the midline, at the fold of my thigh. After so many years it was nearly invisible, but moving slowly, you could still feel the tight straight line of the surgical incision. Bella's expert fingers took over, rubbing back and forth over the length of it.

"Did it hurt?"

"Detox, surgery, chemo; it all bleeds together in my mind. But I've read enough about it. It's not supposed to be a very painful procedure."

"Can I feel it?" Bella's hand hesitated, hovering dangerously close to my cock, her fingers lightly stroking my inner thigh. I closed my eyes tight and tried to concentrate.

"You already have," I managed with a strained smile.

"The prosthesis."

"You've never felt one before?"

I opened my eyes. Bella was finally looking at me, her own eyes soft and warm. Her free hand traced the line of my jaw. "Not yours."

I guided her lower, consciously avoiding my dick, and pressed her hand over my ballsack. She kneaded and prodded and rolled, just like she had the first day I met her. Except now she was naked, in my lap, her body soft and warm against me, bathed in light from her bedroom windows.

"What does this feel like?"

"Heaven?"

"I'm serious," she giggled.

"Like it's not so bad that I'm missing a ball, because you're in my lap."

"Edward."

"It's hard to explain. Like when your arm goes numb and you touch it with your other hand. That's the best I can describe it. Except it's better, because it's not my hand, it's yours."

"I'm really glad you didn't have cancer again."

I laughed out loud. "Me too."

"I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say."

"Bella, you have no fucking idea. I was so sure I was dying this time. But instead, I'm alive, and I met you. So I don't give a fuck about scars. Got it, baby?"

Her hand moved to my other testicle and I hissed involuntarily.

"I take it this feels different?"

"Umm…" but I couldn't piece together a string of words. I may have nodded my head. Her fingers moved over the tiny bump at the top, over and over, filling me with both nervous dread and incredible desire.

"This tiny, little thing changed so much." Her other hand cradled the back of my head, and her lips traveled from my jaw to my earlobe and she scooted closer in my lap.

"Tiny? Little?" I laughed.

"Your little vagina," she whispered in my ear as her fingers finally ran along my aching dick.

"I'll fucking show you who has the vagina in this in this relationship."

Bella laughed as I tipped her backwards, her back on the floor, so that she was underneath me, squinting into the sunlight, as I needled her with the head of my dick.

And below us, the front door slammed shut. "We're home!" Alice called, too loud.

xXxXx

There was nothing Alice could have done to get us to the football game. Bella was obviously uncomfortable with the idea, and I'd lived through enough discomfort to fill at least nine lives. Alice left, and after some serious discussion, Bella, Nessie and I watched Shrek III. It was funny as shit, and I made a mental note to catch I and II at some point in the near future. Afterwards, we sat around my computer and downloaded more mom approved songs to Nessie's iPod.

Then, Nessie wanted to show me how she could ride a big girl bike. Bella and I held hands as Ness literally rode circles around us all the way to the playground. She was a daredevil and rode at top fucking speed, faster than most of the other kids that were three times her size. Yes, she still had training wheels on her bike. But it was still fucking impressive. Don't fucking laugh.

It was after dark when we made it back home, and I thought it was probably time for me to leave. But Bella suggested we order Thai food and Nessie jumped up and down with excitement. No one blinked when I ordered a tofu curry with brown rice; Bella simply added it on to our ridiculously large order. When the food arrived, Ness would only eat appetizers. She gorged herself on spring rolls, dumplings, and satay. I tried to get her to eat some real food, something that wasn't deep-fried, and she eagerly agreed to eat from my plate.

"Ness, wait, I think it's -"

But Ness ignored Bella and took a huge bite of curried tofu. She immediately regurgitated it all and started howling.

"Too spicy," Bella said finishing her sentence and running to the kitchen. I guess I wasn't thinking that she was four and curry was spicy, and I felt like an ass as I held Ness on my lap and Bella practically poured milk down her daughter's throat. The milk trickled down her teary face, dripping into my lap, and Ness buried her face against my chest, clutching and crying.

"Jesus, Bella, I'm sorry," I said, holding her daughter.

"She's tired, Edward. She had a huge day."

"Not to mention that I may have burnt a hole in her stomach."

Nessie whined louder and Bella shook her head at the both of us. "I think it's time for bed, baby. You'll feel better after you get some sleep. I promise."

"I want Ewoord to put me to sleep."

Bella's hand went over her cheek and she took her top lip between her teeth.

"No, baby, that's mama's job. Say good night to Edward."

But little Bell clung tighter, her arms wrapped around the neck of the man that may have permanently scarred her G.I. tract. "No. I want Ewoord a' do it."

"Ness, bedtime. Now."

But, mama!"

"No 'buts', Ness. Say good night."

"Night, Ewoord," Ness sobbed as she gave me a wet kiss on my cheek. "You gonna sleep in a big bed?"

"That's enough, Vanessa."

Bella plucked her out of my arms, mouthing "Sorry," and "I'll be right down," before she disappeared up the stairs with Ness.

I took the time to clean up dinner, wash the dishes, wipe down the table and the chairs. It was meditative and I was methodical, and I relaxed into the easy chore, beginning to feel more at home in Bella's kitchen. But I stopped short of putting the clean dishes away after I was hit with the impulse to rearrange her cabinets. Given too much time on my own, I always went back to default, fucking crazy mode.

I wasn't sure how long it took to put a kid to bed, but it seemed like it had been too long. It was quiet upstairs. I couldn't hear any story-telling or whispered goodnights, just the quiet swish of cars passing on the street.

I tread softly up the stairs. There was a dim light coming from Nessie's room. Inside, I found Bella curled around her daughter in a little bed. Relaxed in sleep, the two looked so similar, so pretty, so peaceful. It was hard to believe how much they had endured, and I had the deep-seated need to keep them both from going through anything like that ever again. And any doubts about whether I should leave were answered in the peaceful rise and fall of their chests, in the way Little Bell's fist clutched Bella's shirt, and I turned to go.

But as I moved out of the light from the hall, Bella stirred in the bed, blinking up at me.

"It's okay, I'll let myself out," I whispered. But Bella shook her head and carefully disentangled herself from her daughter. It was only after Bella was standing that I noticed Ness had ear buds in her ears. She'd fallen asleep listening to her iPod.

"Is that safe?" I asked, nodding towards her sleeping daughter and her MP3 player.

Bella shrugged her shoulders. "It's easy. She falls asleep to 'Little One', like immediately."

"You ever think about having another?"

"No." Bella's answer came too soon, so easy that it surprised me. I was so used to Tanya's pleading, that I almost couldn't imagine a woman not wanting several children.

"No?"

"Nuh uh. Nope."

"Shit, why?"

"Ness is perfect. I don't need a do-over." Bella pulled me down the stairs, we settled on the couch. She draped her legs over mine.

"So, Nessie's it? Really?"

"I know there was a lot going on, but I don't remember being pregnant as a happy time. I still feel guilty about how having a stressed out and unhappy mom might have hurt Ness while she was inside. And afterwards, sure, I was battered, but I also know post-partum depression. I think I only pulled myself out of it kind of recently. It's supposed to get worse with each pregnancy."

Bella made such an amazing mom, and she'd made such an amazing kid, it was hard for me to understand her reasoning. But I was in no position to say anything. I'd been pushing away Tanya's ideas about parenthood for years. "So you're with me for my infertility?" I asked, trying to make light of the situation.

Bella looked away, hiding behind her hair. "Well, it'll save us money on condoms."

"Jesus, condoms? You're not on the pill?"

"Me and hormones don't mix. I've been thinking about an IUD."

I didn't know what the fuck that was. It sounded unnecessarily technical, given my irradiated testicle. "Well, you're safe with me, baby."

"You ever think about kids?" Bella asked.

"Never. It scares me shitless to think what I could do to a kid."

"Huh."

"What?"

"You're awesome with kids."

"It's fucking pointless. After all that chemo and radiation, I probably have a better chance at lactating."

Bella pressed her hands against my chest, running her fingertips over my nipples. "In my professional opinion, I think you might be wrong." Bella helped me take off my shirt, just to be sure. I helped her with her jeans. And we kissed, and touched, hands soft, exploring, until we were lying nose to nose, pressed together on the couch.

"Did we just talk about having kids?" she asked.

"I think we talked about not having kids."

"Right… So, um, what do you want to do?"

We were close enough that it was obvious what I wanted to do, and we laughed together, but Bella moved my hand from her panties. "I think I need a little recovery time."

"Jesus, did I hurt you again?"

"I'm fine, Edward. Really. I've just packed more sex into four days than I ever have before. How about we… watch T.V.?"

Bella rolled over so that she was facing the T.V., her body tucked into my side, her ass pressed against me, not exactly helping my hard-on. But as she flipped through the channels, we fell into chatting and making fun of commercials, and it felt good talking with her warm little body lying against mine. Bella was kind of obsessive about the Food Network, always flipping back to see what was being prepared. But she drew the line at the original Iron Chef, saying that shit was just for entertainment and had no practical application. I'd never seen someone so vehement about the Iron Chef, and I laughed and grabbed the remote from her, quickly flipping through the channels, before she could get really upset.

I wasn't paying much attention as I flipped through crappy movie after crappy movie, until a slutty topless chick with fake boobs flashed onto the screen.

"Shit!" Bella grabbed for the remote, but I held it out of her reach.

"You get the porn channel?" I almost laughed.

"No!" she said, lunging for my hand. I hid it behind my back.

"There's a topless chick on the screen that begs to differ, Bella."

"The cable's not in my name. I don't pay for this."

"So you watch your porn on-line, instead?" I laughed. Bella's cheeks went red, and I took that as an admission.

"I don't watch this crap. I mean, it's kind of silly. The stories are completely unbelievable."

"The stories?" I laughed. "Fuck, Bella, no one watches for the stories."

"Shouldn't there be a good story to go along with good smut?"

"No one gives a crap about the story. People watch porn for one reason."

"I think I need a story. It should be believable, so you could, like, put yourself there."

"Like your believable _vampire_ erotica?"

Bella paused. "Well, you seem to like using your teeth."

I pushed her shirt aside, sliding the edge of my teeth along her silky skin. What she said was true enough, I loved the feel of my teeth on her skin. So did Bella, apparently. I felt her sigh; I felt the tension start to leave her body. I added my tongue along to my teeth and she moved her hips a little, like she could feel it there, or something.

The dude on the screen was feeling up the topless chick, and I moved my hand underneath Bella's T-shirt. "Your tits are so much prettier than hers."

"Don't lie about my breasts just so you can watch porn. She's like five times bigger than me."

"And what the fuck would I do with those? It's not about size. Your tits, your nipples are up here, like floating, and you always hear chicks talking about how they have droopy tits after kids, dude but not you. I love your tits."

"Oh, they drooped."

"What, were they at shoulder level before?" Bella giggled, her head fell against my chest.

"And your pussy, so much prettier than hers," I mumbled against her neck, my free hand slipping between her legs. I rubbed against her gently, remembering that she was sore. Bella panted and pressed her ass against my dick.

"And um, you're a lot, bigger than he is."

"You think?" I asked. Of course, anyone with fucking eyes knew it was true. But what the fuck else was I supposed to say?

"I'm just saying, if the law thing doesn't work out…"

"You think I should work in porn?" I couldn't help laughing.

"No, not really. For now, anyway. I don't want you sleeping with, with _her_," Bella said, nodding towards the screen.

"Just for the record, there's only one woman I'm interested in at the moment. Only one woman I want to sleep with."

"And it's not her?" Bella asked, her eyes flickering towards the screen.

I turned her face back to mine. It would be too easy to joke, but I wanted her to see that I was fucking serious. "You know who it is."

"Tell me."

"I fucking love you, Bella Swan. Just me and you, okay?

"Yeah?"

I loved watching her smile grow, I loved watching her eyes go from dull brown to jeweled topaz. I loved the pretty pink bloom on her cheeks, the way it spread to her ears. I loved her.

"You're the only woman I want to be with, baby," I murmured.

"Me too. The only man, I mean," she said, giggling enough to make me kiss her.

Eventually, the noise from the T.V. distracted us.

"Oh my god, I couldn't do that, though," Bella mumbled, her eyes going wide, her hand over her mouth. The dude's cock had completely disappeared down the chick's throat. Her lips were at his balls, her long purple nails pulling at his ballsack.

"Whatever. That just means you're not a porn star or a hooker."

"Or that I have a small mouth, or a crazy gag reflex, or that I've never had my lips around a guy that's…"

"Whoa, whoa, enough about other guys." The idea of Bella blowing James or Jake made me sick to my stomach.

"There's only been two."

"Just let me pretend there haven't been any?"

"Um, my_ daughter's_ sleeping upstairs."

"I'll concede to one man, once, four and a half years ago."

Bella laughed and kissed me, but the dude on the T.V. was groaning like he was being gutted. It was hard to look away as his long, skinny cock disappeared over and over down her throat.

Bella turned away from the T.V., fitting her body snugly against mine so that I could feel her shape: her breasts, her hips, her knee finding its way between my thighs. "You're saying you don't want a blow job?"

"I'm saying that if you got all deep throat on me, I'd start to wonder."

"You're being nice."

"Practical."

"Maybe I'd surprise you."

"As long as they were your lips around my dick, Bella, Jesus Christ, whatever you did would be fucking fantastic."

Without turning around, Bella took the remote from my hands, held it over her head and shut off the T.V., her dark eyes never leaving mine. She dropped the remote to the ground and placed a hand on either one of my shoulders, and I let her push my back to the couch.

"Now I'm curious," she murmured, her nose brushing against mine, her warm, cinnamon breath on my face. She settled on top of me, and I watched her mouth and the flash of her tongue as she licked her lips.

"Go easy on me?" she asked, bringing those pink lips to my jaw, moving them down my neck, lower. "It might take practice."

"You can practice all you want."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to fuzzyltlwingedthing for filling in as substitute beta while Lindz was off making me jealous and having the time of her life in Forks. Thanks to everyone that voted for TPoL for Fanfic of the Month. We won! Hi to all the new readers, and thanks so much to all of the people that took the time to review. Once again, total fail on my part at responding, but it was either responding or writing, and I figured you'd like another chapter.**

**Once again, to discuss TPoL, there are many options: Visit me on facebook: Belladonna Cullen in Philadelphia, PA**

**Visit the Twilighted thread at: http:/www . twilighted . net/forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&t=12024**

**Read and discuss with some of my favorite ladies over at FFFW: http:/www . thefreedomfanfictionwriters . com/group/adultahautwilightfanfiction/forum/topics/the-practice-of-love**

**I'm having the time of my life writing about these two, and I hope you're enjoying reading about them. Drop me a review and let me know... xxx, M**


	22. Chapter 19

**EPOV**

Leaving Bella was harder than I'd imagined it could be. She was half asleep, it was the middle of the night, and we'd thoroughly fooled around and fucked until I was worn out and half-certain that I wouldn't be able to drive back to the hotel. Her body was warm and soft, wedged between me and the back of the couch, her breath soft and even against my chest.

"Bella, baby, I should leave."

She sighed and wrapped her arms around me tighter, keeping me there longer, until I lost count of my breaths. And when I thought she might be asleep, I pried her limbs loose, and slowly retrieved my clothing. I turned around to see Bella sitting sleepily, a plaid throw wrapped around her body, watching me with heavy lidded eyes.

"I hate seeing you go," she mumbled.

"Do you and Little Bell have plans tomorrow?"

"It's her last day before school. I thought we'd spend it just hanging out and having fun. Do you have plans?"

I knew I shouldn't intrude, no matter how much I wanted to. I did have plenty of work to do, work I didn't seem to give a shit about. "I have to prepare for court on Monday."

"Oh… Okay. Call me when you get a break?"

"Of course."

She walked me to the door, and it felt like it must have weighed three hundred pounds as I dragged it open.

"Good night, Edward."

I brushed my lips against hers, nearly afraid to touch her, because I didn't think I'd be able to pull myself away. I had no restraint as far as Bella Swan was concerned. And she parted her lips, swollen from our day together, her tongue searching for mine, her salt and cinnamon taste taking over. The little sounds she made in the back of her throat let me know how much she wanted me as well, and it was too good, too much, and not enough, all at once.

"Another kiss like that and I'll never leave."

And I saw it in her eyes. Just a glimpse, before she hugged me. She didn't want me to go, either. That was enough for now. It would have to be.

Back at my hotel room, I nearly fell across the threshold. I was exhausted and sated, but my heart rushed and my dick attempted to come to life as I settled into the bed with memories from our day, from our night. I curled into a ball, clutching a pillow, and finally fell fitfully asleep.

xXxXx

The world was moving, tilting and shuddering. My limbs swung too easily, they were too skinny, my clothes too filthy. The air was full of cigarette smoke and my feet slipped on the floor. Someone threw up in front of me, their stinking vomit splashing on the steel toes of my boots. I pressed my eyes together and the world spun. No, I definitely needed my eyes open to stay standing, to find my way outside.

The night air was cold and clear and welcome in my lungs. I leaned against the dirty brick wall for support, breathing, trying to replace the crud I'd inhaled inside. I found a piece of crumpled newspaper and used it, along with my spit, to clean my boots. I rubbed my hands along the rough wall, in case I'd touched the vomit.

"Get the fuck back here!"

A door slammed, footsteps echoed hollowly in the crisp night air.

"I know who you're looking for. Leave the freak the fuck alone."

"He looked sick."

"He always looks fucking sick."

"Let go of me."

"Get back inside. It's fucking cold. They're about to go on."

"Ouch! Get off of me!"

I would have hid from her, but not if it meant that asshole would hurt her again. I didn't know why she put up with that shit. I knew she didn't really want to be with that fucknut. I knew she'd drop his sorry ass in a heartbeat if I gave her any reason to.

My fist connected with his face and there was blood everywhere: on Tanya, all over my just cleaned boots, splattered on the telephone pole and the bricks and the sidewalk.

"My fucking tooth," he mumbled, tears in his red-rimmed, rat-like eyes. His hand tried to catch the blood flowing from his mouth and his split lip. It wasn't working.

"Stay the fuck away from her."

"Whatever, you skinny fucking freak. Watch yourself. I know about you."

But he didn't go for me, and I was grateful. I could hardly stand. Instead, he staggered back inside. Tears had smeared Tanya's black eye make-up, and her cheeks were red and gray and creamy white. "I came out to see if you were okay, and you saved me instead."

"Fuck, Tanya. Stay the fuck away from that asshole."

"I should thank you."

I leaned against the wall again, the world was tilting again, and the smell of blood had incapacitated me. I thought about the bathroom at the gas station on 45th and Baltimore, but I didn't know if I could make it.

"Let me thank you, Edward. You could stay with me at my house tonight."

The idea of a bed… but then I nearly wretched with thoughts of my dirty body making white sheets filthy.

"Let me thank you," she insisted. She stroked my face, and her other hand settled on my dick through my crusty jeans.

"Yeah?"

I never fucked anyone unless I had to. I shrugged off that thought, because then I would definitely vomit, and it would land on top of the asshole's blood.

"Yeah," she agreed, kissing my cheek. "Come home with me?"

"No." I couldn't risk seeing Sasha. She'd surely tell my aunt.

"What then?" she pouted.

"Here."

I pulled her into the shadows. I was sure it was fucking cold because I could see my breath. But I couldn't fucking feel a thing. Her skirt was too short for this weather, and she let me do what I wanted, and I fucking off loaded into her, all the shit, all the shit…

My hands were pressed against the cinder blocks on either side of her head, her forehead rested against the wall, her panties around her ankles.

"Edward?"

Fucking shit. I'd been sure it was Tanya.

"Edward?"

My body reacted violently to the sound of her sweet, husky voice. I pulled myself out of her just in time to heave all over the sidewalk. Bella Swan knelt down next to me, her panties still around her ankles.

"Edward, are you alright?"

"He's over there! He's fucking sick again. Little pissant."

A steel-toed boot collided with the side of my head, and I was sprawled on the hard ground. I opened my eyes to see Jacob Black glaring down at me, before his fist met my face.

"Get your hands off me, you assholes! Leave me alone, James! Leave me fucking alone." I wiped the blood out of my eyes to see James and Victoria pulling Bella around the corner, Bella kicking and writhing and fighting them off as best she could.

I tried to stand, but Jacob had me pinned to the ground. "Get the fuck off me, asshole."

"That's for fucking my girlfriend, you freak. Stay the fuck away from her." He punched me again, and my head hit the sidewalk, and the world snapped and blurred, and I blinked and it was dark. And I was covered in sweat. And I was in my bed, in the hotel in the gray light of early morning.

Freaked the fuck out by my own subconscious, I worked to steady my breath. It'd been years since I'd dreamed about being fucked up. Add Tanya, Jacob, James and Victoria and each of the fucked up pieces of my life felt like they'd come crashing down on my head. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Six a.m.

**BPOV**

"Mama! Mama!"

The bed bounced and creaked, and warm little hands stroked my face. I pried my eyes open to see bright rays of yellow light around bouncy brown curls. My eyes felt too dry, and between my legs it was pleasantly sore.

"Ness?"

"Where Ewoord is?"

"What?"

"He not sleep'ed here?"

We'd stayed up too late. He'd left a little after three. I'd hated watching him get dressed and he'd hated leaving. I saw it in his eyes when he kissed me goodnight, I felt it in his fingertips as he held my head, when he pulled my body against his for one last hug. I glanced at the clock. Six fifteen.

"Baby, Edward slept in his bed." And unlike me, he was probably still sleeping. Lucky dog.

"Oh," Ness sniffled, rolling over, turning her back to me.

"Ness, this is _our_ home. Edward doesn't live here."

"But, but…" But Nessie's voice trailed off and she pulled her knees up to her chest.

"But what, baby?"

"But maybe if he sleep'ed in the big bed, maybe he'd be a daddy," she whispered without looking at me.

Well, I knew it had been coming. I guessed now was the time. I picked Ness up and sat her in my lap, stroking her hair back from her face.

"Ness, that's not how it works, baby."

"How it works, mama?"

"Well, there are two ways to become a daddy, as far as I know."

"Two ways?" Ness looked impressed and slightly excited. Finally some of her questions would be answered. I only hoped I did it right.

"One way is to be what's called a biological daddy… that takes about two minutes."

"_Bio-olgical_ daddy?"

"That's how little boys and girls are made."

"Oh." Ness paused, scrunching up her face, pressing her lips together. I waited for the question, for her to ask about details, but she seemed lost in thought. When the coast was clear, I let out a sigh of relief and moved on. I wasn't ready for the details. I guessed Ness wasn't either.

"And the other way to become a daddy is a lot harder and takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of love and a lot of decision-making. You and I baby, we just met Edward. It takes a lot more time than that. And there's a good chance it might never happen."

"But I choosed already, mama."

"I know you did. But grown-ups take a lot longer to choose, sometimes. And all of us: you, me, Edward, we all have to decide."

"That not fair."

"It's not, honey."

"It gonna take a long, long time, then? Until I big?"

"There are so many people that love you, Ness. Why do you need a daddy?"

"Everyone has a daddy, mama."

I hugged Ness tight, trying to will my arms to be enough. "That's not true, honey."

I could feel Ness's hot breath on my neck, her tiny fists grabbed onto my T-shirt. Shit. I was wearing Edward's U Penn shirt, the one he'd given me at the shore. Ness was a smart kid. She didn't miss a thing.

"Ewoord not has a daddy," she said, her face pressed against the worn cotton. Everything came back to Edward. "Ewoord said Jake was better than a daddy, but Jake leave'ed."

And that's where I was stuck. I didn't know what to say. I'd been so certain that Jake would be there for Ness. But I guessed I'd been fooling myself, or overestimating his love for her. At this point, there were no reassurances that I could offer her. I didn't know if we'd ever see him again.

"He's gone, but he still loves you, baby."

Ness pulled herself away from me and folded her arms across her chest. "I not care! He's a poopy head!"

"Ness!"

"I not!"

"Come here, baby." I gathered Ness back into my arms, but my little girl remained rigid with anger and sadness. I tried to keep the tears at bay, but I hated seeing my baby suffer. And it was my fault: my fault for letting Jake in, my fault for stringing him along, my fault for waiting for a proposal to break up with him.

Sure, I could tell myself that I hadn't known… I hadn't thought I could feel better than I had with Jake. I never thought I'd leave the security of his arms. But my mom told me I was jumping into something, and my counselor warned me against it. If only I wasn't so stubborn, if only I'd given myself a chance to really do it on my own.

I wiped the tears from my eyes. I hadn't realized I'd been rocking Ness in my lap until she'd started humming in time with the rhythm. Chopin's Piano Concerto no. 2. Everything came back to Edward.

Ness glanced up at my face, still humming, and she rubbed my wet cheek and smiled.

"I love you. You know that, right?" I whispered.

"I lo' you too, mama."

"I'll never leave you."

"Will you die like Ewoord's mama?"

"Not until I'm very, very old, or very, very sick."

"You old already, mama."

"Old-er, Ness. Older."

"Oh. Okay." And Ness hugged me tight.

"Are you excited for school tomorrow?"

"A little. There gonna be lots of kids?"

"Yep. And your teachers."

"And I can't say 'poopy head', right?"

"No. Not at school."

"And I can hug the kids?"

"If they want to be hugged."

"And Jake not gonna be there in the morning, right? He not bringin' me too?"

"No, Ness. He won't."

"You gonna be there?"

"Of course, sweetheart. I wouldn't miss it for anything. No matter what, baby, I will always be there for you, because I'm your mama."

"Okay."

**EPOV**

By late afternoon I'd given up trying to work. I went for a run. I attempted eating something. I flipped through the fucking paper. But it all felt wrong. So, I called Alice. The last thing I'd wanted to do was to go through the shit I'd shared with Tanya. But I was willing to do just about anything as long as I didn't have to spend another hour alone, ignoring the two people I really wanted to be with.

"How was the game, Alice?" I asked as she settled onto a big pillow across the room from me. An ocean of cardboard boxes separated us, each one overflowing with crap that was supposed to be mine.

"U Penn won."

"I read the paper. That's not exactly what I meant." I rifled through a box full of coffee mugs. What the fuck did I want with coffee mugs?

"Well, Rosalie talked to dad about medicine, and she talked to mom about wedding dresses. They fucking love her."

"You've got to be shitting me. She's been seeing Emmett for like two weeks, and she's talking Esme about a wedding?"

"They did it in code. They talked about designers: Monique Lhuillier, Vera Wang, Elie Saab. She made a point not to bring up _my_ name, though."

"But you don't design wedding dresses," I chuckled, putting the box of coffee mugs aside.

"I _could_," Alice fumed. "Dude. Washcloths? A whole box of washcloths? What the hell were you guys doing with all these washcloths?"

"They're yours if you want them."

Alice shook her head, rifling through the box in disbelief.

I nodded in the direction of the coffee mug box. "Put all the donations over there with that one. You don't think he knocked her up, do you?"

"I don't think that's possible in two weeks."

"After two weeks with Emmett, she's probably right on the fucking money thinking about weddings and shit. Two weeks with your brother is equivalent to two years with anyone else."

"I know," Alice agreed bitterly. "Fucking sucks balls."

"Seriously, Alice? What's your problem with this chick?"

"She's a twat waffle."

I laughed out loud. "Alice, what the fuck?"

"Bella hasn't said anything?"

"About a twat waffle? Definitely not. I would have remembered that shit."

"Rose isn't your biggest cheerleader, Big Brother. And I'm afraid she might be around for good. What the hell will that mean for you guys?"

"For who?"

"You and Bella."

"That we stay home for football games?"

"You guys should have been there. Why am I stuck hanging out with Rose instead of you, Bella and Ness? It's not fair… Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays."

"Alice, get a fucking hold of yourself. Bella and I spent one day together. Things are moving fast enough without thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't even know when her birthday is."

"Thursday."

"Thursday?"

"Why don't you know when your girlfriend's birthday is?"

"And how do _you _know?"

But instead of answering, Alice jumped and pulled her phone out of her pocket. She glanced at the screen and hopped up and down on her knees and squealed. Times like these, I understood why she got along with Little Bell as well as she did. Alice typed out a quick message and then completely lost her train of thought, smiling vacantly at the box of washcloths like she'd been lobotomized.

"Earth to Alice."

"Oh, sorry about that." But as soon as the words were out of her mouth, Alice jumped again and pulled her cell back out, giggling and going red. She typed a quick text back.

"No sexting in front of your cousin, Alice. That's where I draw the fucking line."

Alice pursed her lips and put her phone down.

"How's J?" I asked.

She set aside the box of washcloths and dove into another box without answering.

"Was he at the game?"

"You'd know if you were there," she replied, rifling through what looked like bed sheets.

"You know, I don't think I've ever asked you about a guy before. There was a time I thought maybe you and Katie…"

"Jesus, Edward."

"You like this guy? He's good to you?"

"I like him," Alice murmured into the box, very purposefully hiding her face. "A lot."

I couldn't help smile. I'd been pretty sure that Alice would be single forever. It never seemed to matter much, she'd been happy enough. But it was good to see her giggly and girly over some guy. I could overlook the goddamned cowboy boots.

"I owe the kid after filling in at the benefit."

"You don't owe him, he's just nice like that."

"So, what's a nice southern rocker doing in Philly? Besides my Little Sis."

Alice blushed. "Edward!"

"What?"

"His sister's sick. So they all moved up here for a month to record their new album in Philly, instead of Nashville. That way, Jasper could be closer to her."

"Who's Jasper?"

"That's his real name."

"You're on a real name basis? Shit, this must be serious. Does he call you Mary?"

Alice chucked something in my direction. I ducked and narrowly missed an oblong decorative pillow aimed straight for my head. Alice hated her given name, and had us all calling her by her middle name by the time she was about six. "Keep that shit to yourself, Edward. Or else. And that's a very manly, lace pillow, by the way."

"That shit isn't mine." Seriously, Tanya had dumped the entire contents of that condo into Alice's home and left me to sort through it all.

"Neither of you really wanted this, I guess."

I looked through a box of kitchen utensils and mixing bowls, thinking that it was the first load of shit that could actually be useful. But on second thought, Bella had everything we'd ever need in her well-stocked kitchen. I tried to shake my head free of that thought, though. Like I'd said to Alice, Bella and I had only spent one day together.

What I really needed was to find a place of my own where I could store the shit I wanted to keep. But the idea of getting another condo, someplace where I'd sleep alone and watch T.V. alone left me feeling hollow inside. The life I actually wanted was trying to force its way into my brain, but it was too fucking frightening, too fucking soon, too fucking unattainably perfect.

And if Alice guessed any of my thoughts I'd never fucking hear the end of it. I willed my mind to change the subject.

"What're Jasper's plans after the album's done?"

Alice shrugged her shoulders. "I guess he'll go back to Nashville. There's not much of a country music scene up here, you know? Not much to keep him here."

"Jesus, Alice, the man can't get enough of you."

"But the man doesn't live here."

"Nashville's not that far. You hop on a plane to Paris at the drop of a fucking hat. What's Nashville? Like a ninety minute flight?"

"Four hours."

"You've looked," I said with a smirk.

"Cut it out. What if Bella lived seven hundred miles from you?"

"I fucking feel for you, Little Sis. But still, a lot can happen in a month." A month ago I thought I was dying, I was living with Tanya, and I'd never met Bella.

"Yeah, Emmett will probably be engaged. Hell, you and Bella…"

"Me and Bella what?" I eagerly interrupted.

"Well, I bet you'll still be together."

"You think?"

"I told you I'm no fortune teller, Big Brother. Don't get your hopes up based on my sorry ass hunches."

But it was hard not to. A month. It somehow seemed to hold both the promise of limitless happiness, while simultaneously disappearing in the blink of an eye. I rifled through a box filled with the framed photos of Philly that used to hang on the living room wall in the condo. More shit I didn't want. I leaned against the wall with a large picture of the Philly skyline in my hands. It had been Tanya's favorite, and now it was tossed in an unmarked box, like so much crap. That was right, I guess. It had all been a load of crap.

"Have you spoken with Tanya?"

"After the shit she pulled with the benefit? Bitch better not call me."

I laughed bitterly. Apparently, my personal life had recently turned Alice into a potty-mouthed pixie.

"Have you spoken with any of them?"

"Nope. Esme hasn't spoken to Sasha either, as far as I know. I guess they're all with Irina this weekend, now that she's back from Russia."

"I saw Laurent Friday."

"I'm supposed to be in the wedding… do you think Irina would un-bridesmaid me?"

"I can't imagine I'm invited at this point." I tossed the photo back into the box.

"But Laurent's your boss."

I shrugged. I was pretty certain Laurent wouldn't hold me to that shit. "You said Bella and I would still be together in a month… you think I should bring her as a date?"

Alice punched my arm. "Very fucking funny, Big Brother." Alice's phone buzzed again, and she giggled and hid her face as she read whatever was displayed across the screen. "Um… So, I'm gonna take this in the other room, since you asked."

I laughed as Alice trotted up the stairs, but my mood plummeted as I considered all of the boxes of crap littering her living room floor. No matter that we'd just spent hours, it was still a fucking disaster. And in that moment I knew that I had to chuck it all. Find some charity that would take it off my hands. Someone that needed to start over. Someone like Garrett.

On an impulse, I pulled a few things out of the boxes and did some rearranging. In another ten minutes, I had a starter pack for him: some plates, cups, dishtowels, sheets, bath towels, and a fucking picture of the Ben Franklin Bridge. Everything else could go.

I eyed the piano that was taking up a good portion of Alice's front room. I did need to find an apartment, if for no other reason than to take it off Alice's hands. I wouldn't hazard putting it in storage. And then I remembered the doodles and the newspaper from early yesterday morning. They were still in my bag.

I pulled the papers out and unfolded them, trying to make sense of what I'd written. I tore the edges off the newspaper, lining the small strips along the piano, one after the next, after the next. I found some tape in a kitchen drawer, and soon I had a long strip of newsprint, folded accordion-style, with stray notes and chords sprawled across it. Any doubts about my insanity should have been thrown out the window at that point. It looked like the kind of shit that schizophrenic dude put together in _A Beautiful Mind_.

I glanced up the stairs, but Alice was nowhere to be seen, off having phone sex with her boyfriend. I probably should have left so J, or Jasper, or whoever the hell he was, could come over and have sex in person, the old-fashioned way.

But I didn't want to go back to the hotel. And I was trying to act sane and normal, not to fucking overwhelm Bella and intrude on her day with her daughter.

So, instead of leaving, I sat down at the piano bench and trailed my fingers over the silent keys. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd played anything. Sometime just after my mom's death, before my dad beat it out of me.

I checked over my shoulder again, then looked back at the crazy ass shit I'd scrawled on the newspaper. I positioned my fingers over the keys, letting them silently whisper out the chords, moving them in time with the rhythm I'd heard at the fountain.

xXxXx

"My bright little boy." Mommy's body is warm next to mine. Her hair tickles my cheek as she leans forward and scribbles some notes on the music paper.

The back door slams shut, and my hands stop.

"No, it's okay, baby. Don't mind your daddy."

I relax. Daddy isn't as scary with mommy there. Mommy's hair brushes against my nose as she leans over, her hands on top of mine on the keys. It tickles and it smells so good.

"What were you thinking about?" she asks, reminding me, her fingers caressing mine.

"About the beach."

"Think about the beach again."

And my hands move, my fingers move, almost like mommy showed me, but different. Thinking about the sunshine and the waves and the feeling of the sand between my toes. Sticky and rough, and the music sounds that way. Sticky and rough, but still full of light.

And mommy's hands write the notes I play.

xXxXx

"Oh my god!"

Light and fast footsteps tapped down stairs.

"Edward!"

My hands froze on the keys, just like they had almost thirty years ago.

"I didn't know you played."

"I don't." I turned to see Alice, her hand over her mouth, her big black eyes wide with shock. "I used to. You're probably too young to remember."

"That was beautiful. What was it?"

I folded up the newsprint in front of me and tucked it into my pocket. I hadn't had a chance to try it out. Maybe when the piano had a home.

"It never had a name."

"Just when I thought I knew everything about you."

Alice's phone buzzed in her hand again and I rolled my eyes. "Seriously Alice, I'll leave. Just tell him to get his skinny ass over here."

But Alice just shook her head and smirked in my general direction. "Why, hello there!" She smiled and nodded as she listened, and kept sneaking glances at me.

"He did?... Really? That's the sweetest thing, like, ever. I almost don't believe it." Alice winked at me, and that's when I fucking knew. It was Bella.

"Alice," I hissed. Alice tried not to laugh and walked off towards the kitchen.

"And then what happened?" she asked, like she hadn't heard me. "Oh my God! Really?"

"Alice!" I followed my cousin into the kitchen. She was silently laughing at me, shaking her head. "Give me the phone!" I hissed.

"Absolutely! I'd love to. I want to be there. It's, like, too cute."

I held my hand out for the phone, but Alice ignored me.

"What's that, Bella?... Um, actually, yes… Uh huh. Right here."

"Alice!"

"But he seems very distressed at the moment," Alice laughed, running into the dining room. I stalked after her, and when she saw me come around the corner she shrieked.

"You'd like to talk to him? Let me see if I can tear him away from what he's doing."

Alice pressed a button, hopefully muting the conversation, and held her cell behind her back.

"You've got it bad, big brother."

"Give me the fucking phone, Alice."

"You want to talk to your _girlfriend_?"

I lunged across the table, but Alice jumped out of the way. She was surprisingly quick.

"Say please, Big Brother."

"Jesus Christ, Alice. This is juvenile."

"But I never got to be annoying when you were actually… juvenile. All little sisters are supposed to do this when their big brother goes on a date with their friend. And you never _wanted_ to talk to Tanya."

"Fuck, Alice," I dove at her again and Alice sidestepped me. I couldn't help laughing.

"I have more practice at this than you, Edward. I grew up in the same house as Emmett."

"Alice, this is ridiculous, give me the fucking phone," I said, grabbing for her again, laughing harder. I managed to catch the edge of her shirt and Alice froze.

"Let go of my guayabera, Edward. It's one of a kind."

"You wouldn't want it torn, then?" I asked, tugging playfully.

"You wouldn't."

"You fucking know I would." I yanked harder.

Alice dropped the phone into my free hand, and I let go of her priceless shirt. If you asked me, it looked like something Carlisle would wear to the beach. I walked quickly down the hall and locked myself behind the first door I found. The bathroom. Jesus, I _was_ acting like a petulant teenager.

"Edward?" Bella laughed on the other end.

"What were you telling my cousin?"

"And hello to you too."

"Hey, sorry. Alice was acting like… Alice."

"I didn't know you were over there."

"I thought I should move some of my old shit out. I was working, but…" But I didn't want to be alone. But I couldn't stop thinking about you. But nothing else besides having you nearby feels remotely right.

"But what?"

"Why was Alice laughing at me?"

"I told her you asked me out on a date."

"Jesus, like with details?"

"I left out the porn… and the blow job... and the fact that you, um, like me on top."

And I couldn't help smiling.

xXxXx

The feel of her soft lips, the edge of her teeth, the way she'd stroked the base of my cock.

Fucking hell. She didn't need much practice. I felt the easy rise and fall of my chest, then the shock of cold air on my wet cock, Bella's warm weight settling against my side.

I was deflated, happy, calm. Bella wrapped her arms around me. I ran my free hand through her hair.

"So?" she asked, nuzzling my ear.

"I think you need to add blowjobs to our list."

Bella punched my side.

"No need for violence, baby. It was a compliment."

"I'm not putting blow jobs on our list."

I smiled at the way my prescription had become our list, and I circled my arms around Bella and held her tight. "But they make me happy."

"Shut up," she laughed, kissing my neck.

And for the first time in longer than I could remember, I'd had a normal day. A fucking fabulous, happy, complete day. And a blow job. She could say she wouldn't add it to the list, but fuck if I wasn't writing it in on the back.

"Maybe it's the other parts of the list we covered, then…" I offered judiciously.

"The practice of procreation?" Bella suggested.

"There's that of course, and food, and music… and family."

I felt Bella's limbs tense.

"You and Ness are a family, I'm just tagging along. I love watching the two of you."

"I kept you away from your family today."

And in my heart I knew I thought of Bella and Ness as my family, but I was frightened as fuck to say it. She'd lived with a man for four years, and she had hardly regarded him as family. We'd been somewhat together for four days. Bella had a daughter to protect. I'd scare her away if I told her how I felt.

But I didn't want to be _somewhat_ together. I wanted something real. I wanted to fucking do things the right way, for once. And although sex in an office and groping her on her desk wasn't the right way to begin things, maybe it wasn't too late to try.

"Bella, baby?"

"Yeah?" she asked, sleepily.

"Would you go out with me?"

"What?"

"A date? Dinner, maybe? Sushi? I love hanging out with your daughter, but maybe it would be nice to get out of the house. You and me? You could, um, wear something? And if everything goes well, I could take it off?"

Bella snuggled closer and kissed my cheek.

"Say something, Bella. I've never done this shit before."

"When?"

"Friday?"

"Would you wear a suit? I love you in a suit."

"I love you naked and on top of me."

"I love you wet and in the shower."

"I fucking love you, Bella."

"I love you too."

Bella settled her body against my chest and sighed.

"Was that a yes?"

xXxXx

Alice was grinning like the cat that ate the canary when I left the bathroom. We went back to work wordlessly, but she wouldn't stop sneaking peeks in my direction.

"Come the fuck out with it, Alice."

"I'm just happy for you."

"Don't be happy yet, Alice. It's too fucking soon for that shit."

"But you're happy." And I fucking was.

"Come on, tell me I gave good advice," she pressed.

"Fuck you, Alice."

"Tell me, 'You give awesome advice, Alice. I owned this shit and I'm happy because of it.'"

"Leave it alone."

"My advice doesn't come for free, Big Brother." Alice threw a pair of torn up jeans in my direction. Tanya had really let the scissors fucking fly with those. "Thank me. Please."

"Thank you, great, all-knowing Little Sis, for helping me act normal for the woman I…"

"For the woman you what?"

"For Bella."

"For who?"

"For my girlfriend."

Alice squealed, and I felt like I was twelve. I threw the jeans back at her.

"Edward? You ever think maybe you were normal all along?"

"Do you even fucking know me?"

"Better than most, I think."

Just then, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I glanced at the screen, hoping it was Bella calling back. Christ. It was Felix.

xXxXx

"Is it Victoria?"

"Hey, Edward."

"James _fucking_ Hunter?"

"Edward, calm down."

"You're calling me. I'm not fucking calm!"

"It's a brunette. A lady."

My mind spun, trying to imagine which woman with brown hair might want to cause problems, and I quickly settled on Leah Clearwater. What had the fucking babysitter done? "About twenty years old, hair down to her waist, no bra?" I barked into the phone.

"I fucking wish, dude. This chick was normal, plain. Pulled up right in front of me in a blue Toyota with Washington plates. I've never seen her before."

Shit, it wasn't Leah.

"What the fuck was she doing?"

"She just sat there, staring at the house. So I got out of the car, I asked her to roll the window down, and she got all nervous. Turned the key in the ignition. I flashed a fucking badge."

"Shit."

"Just a P.I. badge. Nothing illegal. But she ignored me, practically ran over my feet. I got back in the car, but she was gone, man. We're right by I-95 over here. She must have gotten onto the highway. But North, South, I don't fucking know."

"Crap, Felix. Did you get the plates?"

"What the fuck do you think you're paying me for? Of course I got the fucking plates. But it's Sunday night, and I'm no fucking cop. Tomorrow, best for an I.D."

"She just watched?"

"I've got a picture of the back of her head, and a decent side shot. Want me to show your girlfriend?"

"I'm coming, Felix. I'll talk to Bella."

"Shit, man. All's fine here. No need for your presence."

I didn't give a shit if Felix needed me, something didn't feel right about that drive-by, and I didn't want Bella to sit it out alone. I didn't want Felix to be the one to speak to her.

"I'll see you in twenty minutes. Stay in your fucking car."

"Whatever you say, dude."

"Is everything okay?" Alice asked, her hand on my elbow as I clicked the phone shut.

"I don't know, Alice. I'm heading over to Bella's now. It might be nothing."

"What about all this stuff?"

"Shit, I'm fucking sorry. I'll take that one box over there that I re-packed. The other shit, I don't fucking know just yet."

"Whatever, no biggie. It's not like it just showed up here. I'll see you Friday? Date night?" The hint of a smile showed up on Alice's face before she went back to looking appropriately concerned.

I couldn't help but smile back. "Thanks for babysitting."

"For you, Big Brother, anything. Remember that."

"You too, Little Sis."

I ran fucking lights, I ignored stop signs, and I made it to Bella's in under ten minutes. I didn't recognize the chick in Felix's photo. The woman was non-descript: brown shoulder-length hair, a navy T-shirt, Caucasian. But the angles didn't give much away, and facial recognition wouldn't even begin to work on the partial profile.

"Fucking shit."

"You don't know her, then?"

"How could I even tell? You saw her, though? Maybe we could get someone to make a sketch?"

"Jesus, Edward. She was just a woman that drove away. She could have been anyone. We'll get a tag on the plates tomorrow or Tuesday. Didn't your girlfriend move here from Washington? Maybe she knows who the hell she is."

I ran my hand through my hair, resisting the urge to pull it out at the roots. "I don't fucking know."

xXxXx

**BPOV**

Ness was finally asleep. She'd been bouncing off the walls all afternoon, beyond excited about her first day of school. I know she was scared as well, but the idea of twenty new friends and daily singing and dancing and reading had her over the moon. And she saw school as proof that she was finally, indeed a big girl.

Thank god Alice had left something from their Saturday design session, so there was no doubt about what Ness would wear. Otherwise, Ness would have definitely have had to try on everything in her closet. Ness was incredibly proud of the plaid skirt, skull T-shirt and the matching hoody that she's designed with Alice. It would help to make her first day of school extra-special.

And it killed me that Alice cared enough to do that, but Jake couldn't even pick up the phone and call. Over the past few days I'd left five messages, but now I was done. My last call was to hire someone to come change the locks. I'd send Jake's stuff to his dad's house. I'd need to hire movers. There's no way I'd be able to get that huge ass T.V. of his up from the basement. Not to mention the pool table, the table saw, the Lazy-Boy. I wanted it all gone. No one could just walk all over my daughter like that.

But besides dealing with Nessie's anger and sadness at being abandoned by Jake, I was also faced with the stark reality of being an actual single mom for the first time. I'd gone over and over her school supplies for the morning, making sure that she had everything she needed. I'd arranged for Jess to pick her up from school with Jonah. And now I was curled up on the couch with my laptop, looking for a more permanent nanny or sitter that could watch Ness on a regular basis until I got home from work. This late in the game, it was slow going. It seemed like all of the good nannies were already taken.

The loud knock on the door was startling, and I jumped in my seat, upsetting the laptop. My mind immediately went to Jake, that maybe he was finally back, just in time to bring Ness to school. But then my emotions caught up with my mind, and anger flared through my body. I stomped across the room, and was about to throw open the door, when I caught myself and looked through the peephole first.

I gasped. He said he'd had an important case to work on. Thirty minutes ago he was at his cousin's house. My heart turned over in my chest as I opened the door.

"Edward!"

I couldn't read the look in his green eyes as they flickered over my body. I felt my cheeks warming, as I remembered that I was wearing his U Penn T-shirt and nothing else. His hands went to my hips, the way they always seemed to do, and he half picked me up and half pushed me into the house.

His proximity was overwhelming, the way he smelled, the strength of his hands, the brush of denim against my bare legs. He was back, and my heart pounded and I wound my arms around his neck and pressed my body against his. And as soon as the door was closed his hands ran up under the T-shirt, exploring, finding nothing in the way.

"Fuck."

Well, if he wanted to fuck… He was wearing those jeans, and my fingers were much more nimble tonight as I unbuttoned his fly, as I fit my hand under his boxers. He hissed and moved his hips, and he began pulling the shirt over my head.

But then his hands stilled, then he dropped the T-shirt so that my body was covered, then he gently pushed me away.

"What is it?" I asked, only a little embarrassed by my breathless voice. That strange look was back in Edward's eyes: a mixture of anxiety and desire and something else that I couldn't name. He reached into the messenger bag slung over his shoulder and pulled out a very professional-looking camera.

"Do you know this woman? Do you recognize her car?"

I took the camera and studied the picture on the screen. There was a blue car and a woman with brown hair, but the angle of the shot made it nearly impossible to make out what she looked like.

"What is this?"

"Do you know her?"

"I can't see a thing, Edward. I don't think so. I don't know. Who is she? Why are you here?"

"Felix took this photo less than an hour ago outside your house."

My heart started pounding all over again, out of fear this time. "Why? What was she doing?"

"She parked out front, then drove away after Felix confronted her. She was watching the house."

"Oh, thank god," I said, sighing with relief. "I thought it was something serious."

"Felix may have interrupted whatever she had planned."

"Or maybe she was lost. Or maybe she was looking at Jessica and Mike's house."

Edward huffed and ran his hand through his hair in that way that usually made me quiver inside. Except now that he was exasperated it didn't have quite the same effect. "I have a bad feeling about this shit."

"You're over-reacting, Edward. That's sweet, and I appreciate it. But this isn't Victoria or James. Whoever this lady is, she doesn't look like a hit woman." I couldn't help but smother a giggle. Most hit women probably didn't travel with a baby seat.

"This isn't fucking funny, Bella." Edward leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes tight, trying to catch his breath. I hadn't seen him so shaken up since his cancer scare, and my reaction was the same… I had an instinctive need to take care of him.

"Ness and I are just fine, Edward." I leaned my forehead against his chest, I grabbed his hips and held them tight. He was so tense, and except for the rise and fall of his chest, he didn't move. "It's okay, Edward. We're all okay."

"Let me stay."

"What?"

"I'll leave before she's up. I'll stay down here. I don't want to leave. Not after this."

"It was nothing, Edward."

"How the fuck am I supposed to go back to the hotel not knowing what that chick wanted from you?" He seemed so angry all of the sudden, his voice growing louder, his eyes glaring at the floor.

"Edward, we're fine."

"Let me stay."

"I thought you had a big case tomorrow? Work to do?"

"I do," he shrugged. He patted his messenger bag. "I could work here. But I honestly can't seem to care right now."

"I don't want you to worry like this, especially over nothing."

And Edward's eyes finally found mine, beseeching and shy. That was my undoing. How the hell could I argue when it felt so good to have him under my roof? How could I turn him away when he asked to stay? When he looked at me like that: so vulnerable and sexy all at once.

"Come on." I grabbed Edward's hand and led him up the stairs to the study. "A place to work, if you want it."

"I didn't want to force myself on you."

"Given the way you make me feel, I don't know if that's technically possible."

"You and Little Bell, you two needed the time."

"I missed you."

"I worry."

His bag dropped to the ground, his large hands found my face, pushed my hair behind my ears. "I can't let anything happen to you when I've only just found you."

"We're fine," I murmured. Especially with Edward in my house, in my arms. Especially when he pulled my T-shirt over my head and pulled me onto his lap on the little loveseat. His jeans were still unbuttoned from before, and they were easy to slide over his hips.

"I'm fine," I whispered, kissing his lips, caressing his cock.

"You are," he murmured, his lips against mine, his eyes shining in the dim light from the hall, his hands exploring.

"Work?" I asked.

"I have all night."

His hands settled on my ass, his mouth on my neck, his erection pressing against me, and I couldn't bring myself to care about Edward's work. Straddling his lap, my hand stroked his cock, pressed it against me, slipping over it, making his fingers curl. He ran his fingers over my ass, between my cheeks, making me move harder and faster, somehow making me wetter, making me want more. So I sat up on my knees, and slowly slid over his cock, until he was inside. It was so much easier, and I was full, and it felt right. Simply right. And from this position I could wrap my arms around him, our chests rubbing, kissing, and I could move like I wanted, experimenting with angles, until I found the rhythm and the spot, until I could lose myself in his arms, lost in my own fantasy that had somehow become real.

As we came closer, Edward's arms held me tighter, and he couldn't kiss because he was biting his lip so hard. His eyes were barely open, golden and shining and green and glassy. I pressed my forehead to his and rocked faster and harder, over and over, and his hips jerked up to meet me. Mumbling a string of fucks, meeting me thrust for thrust, clutching me ever tighter, my body erupted around him; white hot searing light with each thrust, as he drove me home.

I collapsed against him, my legs trembling, gasping for air like I'd just run ten miles. Edward's hand was knotted in my hair, and his other hand travelled over my bare skin. Incoherent words tumbled from his mouth as his lips trailed over my neck, along my collarbone, against my heart.

I woke sometime later, a blanket tucked around me, the glow of a computer screen across the room. Edward was seated at the desk, typing, talking under his breath, rehearsing a speech or something…

"As the mayor has stated repeatedly…"

The mayor? But the steady cadence of his deep, 'listen-to-me' whisper lulled me back to sleep, pulled me under. When I woke again, I was in my bed, and the clock read six a.m. I jumped up and ran to the office, and as he'd promised, Edward was gone.

xXxXx

"Thanks so much for saying you'll watch Ness this afternoon, Jess."

"Are you kidding? Jonah's thrilled. And it will keep him out of my hair while I make dinner."

"It's just for a few days. I'm looking for someone. I'm going to need the help, now."

"I'm still so surprised about it all."

"Yeah," I agreed half-heartedly. It felt too early in the morning to get into it all, so Jess and I walked in silence. Ness and Jonah were walking ahead of us, holding hands and chattering away excitedly, both wearing backpacks that looked too big for their little bodies.

"They're not babies anymore," Jess commented. "They're like real kids now."

"He watched her grow up. He's being such an ass." Maybe it wasn't too early after all.

"How are you holding up?" Jess asked.

"We never should have been more than friends. I take all the blame for that, but I can't believe he's not here with Ness this morning."

"You never know what a man's going to be like after a break-up. This one guy I was seeing before Mike, he T.P.'ed the trees outside of my apartment. Can you imagine?"

I laughed, half-wishing that Jake had chosen toilet paper and not the silent treatment. Ness would have laughed, at least.

Ness was thrilled when we walked into her classroom, her eyes dancing over the decorations, the easels, the chalkboard, the toys. She found her cubby with her name written in big letters above it, and after hanging up her hoody and her backpack she ran over to the wall of books without looking back. Jonah ran after her, and before I knew it their heads were bent together over a copy of _Where the Wild Things Are_.

"Bye, baby. I love you," I murmured, kneeling next to Ness, giving my daughter a tight hug.

"I not a baby, mama," she hissed in my ear.

"Have a good day."

"Are you gonna go, mama?"

"Oh, baby, I can't stay. But Jess will be back to pick you up sooner than you think. The day's going to go so fast that -"

"Mama, don't worry," Ness interrupted. "You're apposed to go. School is for kids, not mommies," she assured me, before kissing me on the cheek.

Work was actually a relief. I didn't have the time to think about Nessie at school, or Jake not calling, or Edward fucking me until I fell asleep. It looked like cold and flu season was coming on sooner than usual and with a vengeance, and Carlisle and I were overrun with last minute appointments. The electronic filing system was up and running. The slots in the hall where charts used to sit were empty. My office was clear of clutter, and my desk was organized.

This morning I'd finally brought in a framed picture of Ness to sit on my desk. And I'd brought two of the three family stones from my office: the mama and the baby stone. The Jake stone was packed away with the rest of Jacob's things. All in all, my office was starting to look like an office. I felt at home, and busy and good.

I checked my cell at lunchtime, when I finally found a minute to breathe. But when I read the list of missed calls, I nearly dropped it on the ground. There was a call from the garage where Jake worked. It had been almost a week, and I guessed at this point I really hadn't expected him to call. I closed the door to my office and took a minute to catch my breath.

When I was pretty sure I'd be able to talk in a steady voice, I dialed Jake's cell.

"_**This is Jake. Leave me a message."**_

Beep.

I clicked the phone shut, cursing Jake for not picking up once again, and cursing myself for calling again. I thought about calling back and really letting his voicemail have it, calling him out for his immaturity and for the heartless way he was treating my daughter. But on second thought, I dialed the garage.

"Hey, Paulie's Tire and Auto."

"Paul, it's Bella. Is Jake there?"

"Hey, Bella. That's actually why I called you."

"_You're_ the one that called my cell?"

"Jake said he needed a few days off. But I figured he'd be back today."

"Oh."

"He didn't answer when I called his number."

"Oh."

"Dude, now that he's marrying a doctor he thinks he doesn't have to show up to work? What, is he just going to lay around on his ass all day?"

"Marrying a doctor?"

"Yeah, um, like _you_, Bella. You're a doctor. Right?"

"We're not getting married, Paul. We broke up."

"Shut the fuck up."

"I broke up with him last Tuesday."

"Crap. Um, sorry I called, I guess."

"If, I mean, _when_ he shows up, could you remind him that he left a houseful of stuff back at my place?"

"Shit. Sure, I guess, Bella. Fuck, sorry again."

"Thanks."

**EPOV**

I hated press conferences and I tried to avoid them at all fucking costs. And as a family law attorney, I was usually fucking safe. But the Hannigan case was big fucking news in this city, and after securing full custody for her kids, after clearing her name of all of her ex's allegations of illegal activities, the mayor herself had asked me to hold one.

I'd expected as much, and I'd sat up half the night trying to focus on that shit, on my fucking job. But it was nearly impossible with Bella snoring and shifting on that little couch, just a few feet from me. So I brought her up to bed. I brought my laptop up there too. I sat in the chair across the room, trying to concentrate. But the rise and fall of her chest, the whisper of her breath, the small whimpers that escaped her lips while she slept… it all called to me.

So, I'd set the laptop aside and crawled into her bed. I'd tucked her body into mine, and I set the alarm on my phone for five a.m. For the first time since the shore, I fell into four hours of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep.

The trial went fine anyway, even without a sleepless night of planning and review, as had the press conference. I'd been relaxed, on top of my fucking game, even though it had been hard to summon the will to care. Even though winning had somehow fallen to the bottom of my list of priorities. No one was the wiser, it seemed.

Afterwards, Mayor Hannigan smiled, and she hugged me in front of the cameras. Her advisers shook my hand, clapped me on the back. Reporters bustled, and security pushed them back as we made our way to the back exit, to the garage.

I climbed into my car and sat behind the wheel, but I didn't know where to go. There was talk of a celebration at a bar on Pine. I knew where I wanted to be, but I'd nearly had to beg Bella to let me stay last night. I wasn't about to do that again. Almost on cue, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I reclined the car seat, smiling, sighing with relief.

"My daughter just saw you on T.V." My body relaxed at the sound of Bella's voice.

"What's she doing watching local news? Shouldn't she be watching Sesame Street or doing homework?"

"They don't give homework in preschool. You represented the mayor?"

"I fucking won the mayor's case, to be a little more specific."

"Congratulations," she giggled. I fucking loved that sound.

"Thanks."

"Ness asked me to call."

"She did?"

"And I wanted to call, too. We're going out to dinner to celebrate her first day of school. She'd like you to come. In fact, right now she's jumping up and down, begging. But I understand if you're going out with people from the office. You have things to celebrate too. I'd understand if -"

"Where can I meet you?"

xXxXx

I slid into the booth across from Bella and Little Bell, and Bella immediately stretched her leg so that her foot touched mine under the table. Little Bell wasn't as subtle; she clambered over the tabletop and settled herself next to me. She spilled water everywhere, and wait staff rushed over to clean the mess. I could see Bella getting ready to scold her daughter, but I reached across the table, grabbed her hand and rubbed my thumb along her palm in that way that always seemed to calm her down.

"I sorry mama," Little Bell squeaked, hugging me tight. "I getted too 'cited."

Bella sighed and her eyes flickered between her daughter and me. "I understand, baby. Next time, please go around and not over."

From that point on, Ness babbled non-stop about her first day of school: her new friends, her teachers, her chair and table, her lunch, the books she read, the puzzles she played with, even nap time.

"And I go'ed there tomorrow, and another day and another day. Until I big."

"I liked school too, when I was little."

"You do'ed?"

"I did."

"Do you like my school?" Ness asked me before taking an enormous bite of her grilled cheese sandwich.

"It sounds like a lot of fun."

I watched Little Bell glance nervously at her mom before she stood to on our seat and brought her mouth to my ear.

"Ewoord?"

"Yes?" I answered.

"You gotta whisper," she hissed urgently in my ear. I glanced across the table at Bella. She was picking at her fries, sneaking glances at the two of us, smiling.

"Okay," I whispered back. Nessie's smile took up her whole face.

"I know you not my daddy, yet. But I wanted you a come to my school in the morning. Cause you like school. Cause I wanted you a come. Cause I like you a lot. Pa-lease?"

And when I turned to face her, Ness's hands were clutched together, her eyes full of such hope, and she was biting her little lip. "Pa-lease?"

"Um… we have to ask your mommy," I whispered loud enough for Bella to hear.

Ness and I both turned towards Bella. "Baby?"

"Yes," Bella breathed. "Of course."

xXxXx

I showed up crazy person early, but it was appropriate this time around. Bella answered the door with a toothbrush in her mouth, her shirt halfway unbuttoned and a flash of silvery slip showing. I smiled and kissed her cheek and held her shirt fucking closed.

Little Bella threw her arms around my knees. "Thank you, Ewoord."

"For what, Little Bell?" I asked picking her up in my arms. Bella ran back up the stairs.

"For takin' me a school."

"I'm happy to do it."

She hugged my neck and kissed my cheek.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I asked. Ness nodded emphatically. Her whole little body shook in my arms. "I wanted to be there yesterday too."

Nessie's eyes brightened and she kissed me again.

"I know'ed it," she whispered in my ear.

xXxXx

"Good morning, Mr. Masen!"

I couldn't help smiling with relief to see Lauren standing behind her desk. All the piles the temp had left stacked precariously on Friday were gone. One day back, and everything seemed in good order.

"How was your time off?" I asked.

"Like, so good. I slept for, like, two days straight. I didn't realize how stressed I was about that benefit. But now I'm back, ready to go, sir. I saw you on the news yesterday. You were, umm, really good. You, uh, you look good."

"Thanks. It feels good to have that shit settled, finally."

"I don't know. It's more than that, maybe. You look like you had a vacation too."

"Jesus, Lauren. Just get me some coffee, okay?"

"Sure. And I think Laurent wants to congratulate you. He called down like half an hour ago. He asked me to send you over as soon as you got in."

Laurent's assistant waived me into his office as soon as I stepped off the elevator and his eyes met mine as soon as I walked through the door to his office. He quickly swiveled his chair around so that he was facing the window overlooking the fountain. "Edward, thanks for making it in this early on such short notice."

I was usually in an hour earlier, and Laurent knew it. But Little Bell's school didn't start until eight.

"Coffee?"

"No thank you. I had some first thing."

Laurent turned to face me, his hands tented in front of him. He looked me over from head to toe. "You look good, Edward."

"And here I thought you went for women," I laughed.

Laurent's uncomfortable laughter joined mine and he pushed his chair from his desk and stood to his feet.

"I hear that things went poorly for the mayor's ex in court."

"His income was a matter of public record. The money he garnered from his illegal port activity was harder to trace. Of course, it didn't influence what she was owed, but it reflected poorly enough. She'll get everything she's asking for."

"He'll quite possibly do time," Laurent offered.

"And she'll keep the kids."

"Lovely. Another happy customer. And a commendation for you from the mayor's office." Laurent smiled and turned his back to me, looking out over the park again. I was oddly relieved to see that they'd let the water run clear this morning.

"Well, if that's all, Laurent, I have a day's worth of paperwork to go through."

"Not exactly, Edward. How's that ten thousand dollar piece of ass you're fucking?"

"Fuck you, Laurent."

"Is she worth it, Edward?"

He kept his back to me, and it took everything in me not to walk around his desk and punch him in the fucking head. "You're so fucking out of line, Laurent, it isn't even fucking funny. I brought in two clients on Friday. I fucking doubled the money I lost on that shit."

"I had dinner with Irina's mother and sisters on Sunday."

"I can't say I'm sorry that I missed it. It's no fucking excuse for talking to me like that."

"Edward, did you fuck Ms. Swan in your office on the night of your fundraiser?"

"What?"

Laurent finally turned around, his eyes hard, using his game face for interrogation. "Did you or did you not fuck Ms. Swan -"

"I fucking heard you."

Laurent waited, his hands in his pockets.

"I fucking thought we were settled as far as Ms. Swan was concerned."

"I didn't know you fucked her, Edward. While she was still your client. In. Your. Office."

"I found her adequate legal counsel. I terminated our attorney/client relationship."

"After you fucked her in your office! Jesus Christ, Edward!"

"You seemed more than fine with… this _arrangement_ on Friday."

"Your ex threatened to report you to the Pennsylvania Bar Association. As you know, any third party has the right to file a report. I convinced her not to, on one condition."

"What did you do?"

"I have to terminate your employment. I'm well within my rights to do it. And I'm fucking bound to report you to the bar, but I won't. If you get called in, it didn't fucking come from me. You're the last fucking attorney I would have expected this shit from. I was sure you'd deny it."

"Fuck."

"Your cases will be reassigned."

"Now that I've won the mayor's case."

Laurent shrugged. "I couldn't reach you yesterday. You were in court."

"Fucking convenient."

"Fucking convenient you had an office to use for a quick screw. We all have to live with ourselves, don't we?"

"Jesus Christ."

"Irina forced my hand, Edward. She's going to be my wife. I didn't want to fucking lose you. You know that. This way you still have the chance at a career."

"As long as Tanya doesn't say anything to the bar."

"You had to know this could fucking happen."

"I didn't plan on any of this, Laurent. Least of all fucking anyone in that office that night."

"I'm sorry, Edward. Your severance package stands. You have my recommendation. But I expect you to be out of here by the end of the day."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks so much for all of the reviews, thanks for TFFA's daily quotes from TPoL on their site, thanks to Lindz my beta... Seriously, thanks all around. Feel free to join the TPoL discussions:**

**On Facebook: http:/www . facebook . com/belladonna . cullen1**

**On Twilighted: http:/www . twilighted . net/forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&t=12024**

**On FFFW: http:/www . thefreedomfanfictionwriters . com/group/adultahautwilightfanfiction/forum/topics/the-practice-of-love**

**There's been lots of discussion on Facebook about what Jake's been up to since leaving Bella. What do you guys think? I love to hear guesses. Until next week, xxx, M**


	23. Chapter 20

**EPOV**

"Please pack my personal possessions and anything in the office pertaining to PLA. Do you still have my cousin's address?"

Lauren had been on the phone and I'd interrupted, just like old times. I hadn't even said hello. But it took her no more than two seconds to give me her undivided attention. It figured that as soon as I actually liked an assistant, I'd have to leave them behind.

"Um, yes, I still have it, sir."

"Good. Have everything shipped to Alice's home."

"Mr. Masen?"

"Lauren." Lauren had been asking so much with that address, but I didn't have the peace of mind to answer. I silenced her with my icy tone and I felt instantly guilty. I hadn't spoken to her like that for weeks.

Lauren studied the desk while I scribbled a quick note on a legal pad. I tried for a more forgiving tone of voice. "Please type this out and send it to PLA's Board of Directors. And this," I said, scribbling another note, "please make sure all of these files have been sent on to Ms. Kachiri. I don't want Laurent anywhere near them."

"You're leaving?" Lauren asked as she studied my memo. "Why are you leaving?"

"I fucked up. I underestimated my ex."

"You're gir-… I mean, umm -"

"Tanya."

The sound of her name in the air made me feel slightly ill. I was struck with disbelief: that I'd been with her for so many years, that I hadn't even begun to love her, that I'd fucked her and fucked her over while I shared my life with her. That she could be so cold and vindictive.

Maybe I fucking deserved this.

"Mr. Masen, this doesn't make any sense. You can't leave. You're the best lawyer here. All of your volunteer work brings so much attention to the firm. Not to mention the mayor…"

"I'm fucking out, Lauren. Your rationalizations aren't going to change anything. You've been great. I'm sure whoever they assign you to next won't be half the asshole I've been. If you decide to move on, I'd be happy to write a letter of recommendation. Take care of yourself."

Lauren blinked and clutched the legal pad in her hands. I threw my corporate card and my office keys onto her desk. HR could figure it the fuck out. I grabbed my bag from my office, and was out the door in less than five minutes.

The sunlight was blinding, and I remembered too late that I'd left my sunglasses on my desk. Lauren would find them. My car was in the garage, but suddenly, unexpectedly unfettered, I had little desire to trap myself within the confines of a car. I watched the people that walked by as I wandered past, wondering where the fuck they were going.

I thought that I was walking aimlessly, but I've never been one to do things at random. It took me close to ten minutes to realize with some surprise that I was taking myself to Bella's office. Yet, while my body might have longed for her, I was scared as fuck to tell her what happened. I'd behaved inappropriately, I hadn't put a stop to things when I should have, and I'd gotten canned. And I loved her, and didn't want her to feel like she should share in the blame.

While keeping things from Bella felt wrong, I knew I couldn't tell her. Not yet, not now, not in the middle of her workday. Not after this morning, when we'd walked hand-in-hand listening to Little Bell chatter about morning glories and cherry trees, and how all the storm drains led to the river. She'd pointed out her friends, she'd even introduced me to a few, and she waived goodbye as she walked into her classroom.

It had been worth being late to work. And now there was no work.

Ever since I'd finished radiation therapy, there'd been work. It took a month to earn my GED. Then there were undergrad studies, and then straight to law school. I'd worked fervently, constantly, since I was nineteen. I worked hard, and I did things fucking right, and I thought I'd made my life worth living. Until I met Bella Swan. I stopped being right when I realized I didn't know the first fucking thing about being alive.

I wanted to be angry with Tanya. I wanted to hate them all: Kate, Irina, Sasha and Laurent. But I couldn't find it within myself. Instead, I felt light and empty, and each step I took away from the office felt more and more surreal. Of course, I could have denied it all. I could have said nothing improper happened until after Bella hired Aminah, until after I'd refunded her retainer. But it never occurred to me to do that.

I'd fucking loved Bella from the moment she hired me, I just didn't know it at the time. But I'd let her hire me knowing full fucking well that I wanted her. I'd been wrong from the first moment I touched her in my office, when I held her hand, when I sat next to her instead of across from her. I certainly didn't regret anything, but my firing was ethical and just.

Of course, justice meant little in the day-to-day practice of law. It was common knowledge that Laurent liked to fuck his assistants, and I'm sure he'd managed to bed a client or two over the years. He wouldn't have given me shit if it wasn't for Tanya and her sisters.

And I fucking understood all to well what Tanya was doing: she was trying to destroy the things she thought I cared about most in the world: the PLA and my job. Her clinical accuracy was as nearly as impressive as it was frightening. I wondered what was next. The only other thing I could think of was my health, but I couldn't imagine her trying to get her hands on a biological weapon.

Then I thought about Alice; all the nights the three of us had stayed up late watching movies, Alice and Tanya going through bottle after bottle of wine. Tanya had already trashed her friendship with Alice. Would she go even further to get back at me? I had a sinking feeling about it all, but Alice was in New York today, one hundred and fifty miles away. For now, at least, I felt that she was safe.

I paused on the Market Street bridge over the Schuylkill and pulled out my phone.

"_**We're even, T. We're done. Time to give it a break and leave each other the hell alone. E"**_

I didn't wait to see if she'd respond. I turned my phone off, instead. The only person I wanted to speak with was Bella, and at the moment, I didn't trust myself as far as that was concerned.

I checked my watch. It had been an hour since I'd left the office and I'd made it to West Philly and the edge of the U Penn campus. I'd always loved the strange gothic architecture of the university buildings: the gargoyles and pointed arches and the elaborate arcades, the ivy-covered walls. I'd loved attending law school there. U Penn was one of the top ten law schools in the country. After receiving a GED instead of a real high school diploma, and after an undergraduate education at a city school, my admission to U Penn finally proved that I was worth something.

I'd never been to U Penn's athletic offices, but Franklin Field was a hard landmark to miss. I hadn't consciously sought Emmett out, but talking with him seemed harmless enough as I wandered through the halls.

I found my cousin sitting at his desk with his feet up, a remote in one hand and a Red Bull in the other, watching T.V. I paused in the open doorway, but he didn't notice me standing there. He was deep in concentration, reviewing a play from Saturday's game, over and over and over. Emmett finally sighed in frustration and swore under his breath before shutting off the T.V. and tossing the remote aside. It sailed across the room, slid across the floor and smacked into my feet.

"Edward? What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked, startled.

I shrugged and stooped down to retrieve his remote, tossing it back to him. "I thought you won on Saturday. What's the problem?"

"My problem is LaSalle's three touchdowns and two field goals. If it wasn't for Hamilton and Miller, we'd be screwed. You'd think some of these shitheads I've got playing didn't even care."

"Like maybe they came to college for an education or something," I laughed.

"Jesus, Edward. Did you come all the way across town, to my _office_, to make fun of my profession? Or is that just a bonus?"

"A bonus," I replied. But the fun had gone out of it, and my answer fell flat.

"Something's wrong. Is it Bella?"

"What?"

"Is something wrong with Bella?" he asked, planting his feet on the ground and moving to the edge of his seat.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because you look like you're, I don't know, going to cry or something. You want a beer, or, I mean, a red bull?" Emmett leaned over and pulled open a mini fridge revealing an impressive range of beverages, both alcoholic and non.

"Water?"

"Boring!" he taunted, but chucked a bottle in my direction. "So, uh, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I just got canned." And as much as it all still seemed completely unreal, it was good to say it out loud.

Emmett laughed and swung his feet back onto his desk and took a final swig of his energy drink. Then he aimed for the trashcan across the room, and tossed it easily in, without hitting the rim.

I took a seat in an uncomfortable metal chair, probably used to grill underperforming jocks. I felt suddenly out of place and extremely uncomfortable in my suit, and I loosened my tie so I could breathe.

"So, are they hiring water boys? Do you need an equipment manager? I could work concession," I tried joking.

"You're fucking serious? You were fired?"

"Yep. No job, no prospects." I swung my bag from my shoulder to the ground.

"But I just saw you on the news yesterday. Dude, you're like the biggest lawyer in Philly right now. What the fuck happened?"

"Tanya. She went through Irina to get to Laurent. But ultimately, it was my own fucking fault, I guess."

"But you're a fucking lawyer! If your boss fired you for no reason, you could sue his sorry ass."

"_I _fucked up, Emmett, not Laurent. And if I brought this shit to court I could loose my license."

"What the fuck did you do?"

I leaned my elbows on my knees, my hands clasped in front of me. "Bella," I murmured, looking at the floor.

"Bella? What the fuck does… oh. _Shit_! You weren't supposed to... But how would they have known?"

"I'm guessing it was Katie. She pretty much called it at the fundraiser."

Emmett laughed a little, but tried to hide it behind his hand. "Yeah, I forgot about that night. You two were both kind of… obvious. And by obvious, I mean -"

"I fucking got you, Emmett." I interrupted. "No fucking need to elaborate."

"So, what're you gonna do now?"

"Fuck if I know, Em."

"You don't really have to do anything, though. Do you? At least, not for a while. I mean, you own half of AC Nation."

"And you have a trust to rival U Penn's and played pro football for three years. Why don't you quit coaching?"

"Dad's fucking work-ethic, man. I can't get around it. But I see what you mean… Who would have fucking thought _you_ would be homeless and jobless?"

"Yeah, this shit'll probably make your girlfriend's day, huh?"

"Rose?"

"Do you have another girlfriend I don't know about?"

"Dude, she doesn't hate you _that_ much."

"She hates me enough to have Alice counting me out of Christmases, enough that Rose and Bella aren't speaking."

"I missed a cat fight?" Emmett asked, on the edge of his seat with a big smirk on his face.

"This isn't fucking funny, Emmett."

Emmett shrugged his shoulders and got comfortable in his big, leather chair. "Rose thinks Bella made a mistake, or something like that. I try not to get involved when chicks go on the warpath. But I wouldn't think that you'd give a shit what my girlfriend thought."

"I don't, Em. But I don't want Bella hurt over this, either. Fuck, I mean I practically agree with Rose. I'm no good for anyone, let alone someone with a kid. But Bella's going for it, you know? And I want to fucking try.

"So, I don't want Rose giving Bella shit for that. If nothing else, it's more proof that Bella is kind of fucking fearless. I'm going to do everything I can not to screw this up. Her kid, man, I could never do anything to hurt her. So, can you ask your girlfriend to back the fuck off?"

"Crap," Emmett muttered, looking at me with wonder, like I'd just turned shit into gold. "Fucking hell."

"What?"

"I didn't understand, I guess. It was more than getting into her pants. You really care about her."

Emmett was so sincere and so astonished, that it made me uncomfortable. "Fuck you, Emmett."

"How would I fucking know? I'm not Alice."

I couldn't look at Emmett anymore, and I studied the worn, wooden, over-waxed floor. This wasn't what I'd come here to do, but it seemed as good a time as any. "So, Em, you uh… you think you could talk to Rose?"

"I'll see what I can do," he said with a big fucking smile on his face.

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks. Then maybe two things about today won't suck."

"What's the other un-sucky thing?" he asked with a laugh.

"I took Little Bell to school this morning."

"Jesus fucking Christ. I'll talk to Rose. I promise. I had no idea."

xXxXx

"Hey, baby."

"_Edward?"_

"Who else calls you baby?"

"_I'm just surprised to hear your voice in the middle of the day."_

"It's noon. When else would I call?"

"_You're right, I guess. So, um, are you outside, or something? We could… _meet_ in my office."_

I understood the implication in Bella's question and I wished I were there. But I couldn't fool around with her before I told her about my job. It would have been disingenuous. And I couldn't drop my shit in Bella's lap during her lunch break. Leaving her to deal with my fucked up news for the rest of the afternoon wouldn't make me feel any better. But I had an idea what would.

"I was actually calling because I was wondering, uh, who's picking up Ness today."

"_Ness? Jess is going to get her. Who else would?"_

"Well, I was thinking, would you, um, want me to maybe pick her up?"

"_You? Won't you be busy… with work?"_

Fuck. "Not today."

I held my breath, hoping she wouldn't ask why.

"_Are you sure?"_

"I wouldn't offer if I wasn't sure. You need a nanny, and this afternoon I could use, I don't know, some time with Little Bell. She makes me feel better."

"_Why? What's the matter, Edward?"_

"Nothing earth-shattering. We can talk about it later, maybe? After Ness is in bed."

"_You'll stay, then, after she's asleep?"_

"If you'll have me."

"_Did you intentionally make that sound dirty? Because, umm, yeah, I'll totally _have_ you, Edward."_

"Fuck," I mumbled, as my mind strayed to thoughts of Bella on my lap, my lips wrapped around her tit, my dick-

"_Well, Jess is the only one besides me that's on the list of people that can pick Ness up. I guess you could meet them at the entrance. Jess has a key to the house. I could text her now. You're sure about this?"_

I was more excited than I cared to admit. "When should I be there?"

xXxXx

I leaned up against the gray stone wall in front of the school building. The wind had picked up as the afternoon wore on, but it was still warm. Even though the temperature hadn't changed much yet, the leaves had already started turning; orange edging into green, green fading to yellow. Women rushed past towards the back entrance of the school, cautiously glancing at me, probably wondering whether I was a predator.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was Felix. I'd been waiting for his call, but I didn't want to deal with his shit at the moment. I reluctantly brought the phone to my ear.

"Felix?"

"_Hey, Edward. I got an I.D. on the car that pulled up in front of Bella's the other day."_

"Who was she?"

"_Stanley O'Mara from Pullman, Washington."_

"Stanley? What the _fuck_?" I raised my voice and people turned to look. The security guy by the front door eyed me suspiciously.

"_Yeah, I know, right? She didn't look like a Stanley. That name doesn't ring any bells?"_

"Damn it. No. Was the car stolen?"

"_Nope. And Stanley doesn't have any traffic violations. He doesn't have a criminal record. He's just some sixty year-old dude from a farming town out west. He doesn't even have a wife. It was probably nothing, Edward."_

"It still doesn't feel right to me, Felix. I'm going to keep looking. I've got another guy who can look a little more thoroughly."

"_Well, whatever, dude. It seems like a lost cause to me. I haven't seen the car or the chick since Sunday."_

"Ewoord! Ewoord! You comed again!" Little footsteps echoed on the pavement as Little Bell ran in my direction. She dove into my arms, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Dude, Felix, I've got to go."

"_Hehe, buddy. Sure. I can hear you've got your hands full."_

I clicked the phone closed and gave my undivided attention to the little girl I was holding.

"How was school, Little Bell?"

"Good. How was work, Ewoord?"

"It sucked," I laughed, and Little Bell's mouth fell open.

"You say-ed a bad word," she whispered in my ear. "At school."

"Um, hi, Edward, right?" I turned around to see Bella's next door neighbor and her little punk of a kid standing a few feet from us.

"Jess, Right?" I tried to offer my hand, but it didn't work so well with me juggling Ness.

Jess smiled and tried to flatten out her fly away hairs. "Yep, that's me, Jess. Next door neighbor, mom, Phillies fan. How have you been?"

"I've been better," I admitted.

"Bella said I should give you this," she said, pulling something out of the pocket of her too tight jeans. She plopped a warm key into my palm. I wasn't sure what to say.

"We're goin' to the park," the little rat that liked to hit Ness chimed in. "Can Nessie come?"

"The park?" Ness asked, starting to jump excitedly in my arms.

"The one just across the street," Jess added, nodding to the little patch of grass and trees with a jungle gym and a swing set. "A lot of the kids and the moms go after school."

"Uh…" I hadn't counted on that shit. Kids were already streaming across the road, pouring into the park.

"It's okay, Ewoord?" Little Bell asked. Her warm, slightly sour milk breath tickled my ear. There was really no reason to say no. There was nowhere else I was supposed to be.

"Sure, Ness, if you want."

Ness wriggled out of my arms and grabbed Jonah's hand, and the two rushed off together. Jess high-tailed it after them. I guessed that was what I was supposed to be doing a few seconds too late, and I jogged to catch up. Thankfully, the crossing guard had things under control, and we made it to the park in one piece.

Ness laughed and shrieked with excitement and threw her backpack on a park bench before charging at the playground equipment. I glanced around to try to gauge what I should be doing. The other parents didn't seem too concerned about all the jumping and swinging and hanging upside down. They settled into groups of two or three, chatting and drinking from bottles of water and travel cups of coffee.

I sat next to Nessie's backpack and watched her jump to the ground from a platform that was about twice her height. I cringed and half stood to my feet, but Ness came up laughing and ran back to the ladder.

Was that really okay? Jesus, what if Bella came home and found her kid in a cast?

"She's fearless," Jess offered. "Look, Jonah won't even try the stuff Nessie does."

I had to laugh a little when I spotted the brat clinging for dear life to one of the lower rungs on the ladder, calling to Little Bell for help. She was so far above him, she didn't even notice.

"I think it's why he loves her so much," Jess continued.

"I understand, completely."

"So, uh, you're helping Bella out? Kind of like off the clock in a pinch legal help?"

"I'm not her lawyer anymore."

"Oh." Jess took a long sip from her water bottle, but didn't press me any further.

When I looked back towards the play structure, Ness was running at me at full speed. "Ewoord, help! Save me! He's gonna get me!" A little boy with braids was running after her, his hands outstretched like claws, roaring and snarling. Ness jumped into my lap and curled into a ball and hid her head, laughing.

"Ahhh!" Ness shrieked. "Save me, Ewoord!"

I looked to Jess for help, but she was inexplicably blushing and shaking her head.

"Ness?"

"Help me from a monster!"

The little kid was getting closer, so I swung Ness onto my back and jumped up onto the bench. Ness shrieked and giggled and I pretended to kick at the little monster of a kid. Ness clung onto my back and I held her ankles tight as I jumped from the bench and ran off behind a large tree.

"You saved me, Ewoord," Ness said, still laughing and gasping for air.

"You're always safe with me, Little Bell."

xXxXx

"What this is, Ewoord?" Little Bell asked, leaning over the cart to snatch a bottle on the shelf.

"Pickled plums."

"Eww!"

"I don't like them either, but they're supposed to be good when you have a stomach ache."

"Mama's a doctor, and she not gives me pickles and plums when I sick. She gives me mecidine. What this is?" Ness asked grabbing for something else. I cursed the narrow fucking aisles under my breath. It was going to take an hour just to get to the register.

"Uh, fish sauce."

"Eww!"

"Let's try to keep the groceries on the shelf, Little Bell."

"Ewoord, what this is?" Ness asked, clutching another box and pushing it against my face.

"I don't know, Nessie," I replied without reading the label. I pulled it out of her hands and shoved it back on the shelf. Ness's eyes went wide with shock, and she bit her little lip. Jesus. I tried to find some middle ground between my warring needs to pin her arms to her sides and pull her into my arms and beg for her forgiveness.

"I'm looking for nori and pickled ginger, Ness," I tried explaining.

"Eww! Pickles and ginger? What pickles and ginger is? This place is weird, Ewoord."

"It's an Asian grocer, Ness."

"An agin' grocer? What's that?"

"This store."

"This store is an agin' grocer?"

"Yes, this store is an _Asian_ grocer."

"What we doin' in this agin' grocer store?"

"We're getting stuff for dinner."

I'd never been to that particular store before, but it was about halfway between Ness's school and Bella's house. It had seemed perfect, but the aisles were arranged so haphazardly, that between the disorganization and Little Bell's constant chatter and sticky fingers, I was quickly losing my shit.

"Do they have chicken nuggets? Can we have chicken nuggets and fries for supper?"

"I thought we'd make sushi. We could do it together. You could help."

"What shushi is?"

"It's rice, and seaweed, and vegetables and…"

But Ness was already laughing. "Ewoord, you so funny! Sea weeds? Like, at a beach?

"Yep. Seaweed."

"You don't eat sea weeds, Ewoord. You so silly!"

At that moment I finally spotted a package of nori. "Actually, you do eat seaweed. Here it is."

"Eww!"

By the time we finally made it to the register, Little Bell had had enough of shopping and was threatening to jump from the cart. "I want candy!" she yelled, reaching for the colorful bags lining the register that transcended every language. I pulled something off of the shelf, quickly realizing the value of sugar when it came to kids. She quieted down immediately.

Halfway through checking out, Little Bell started to howl. "Ness, what is it?"

She was crying and trying to talk and pointing to her mouth, but I couldn't understand any of it.

"That candy spicy," the checker informed me, shaking his head like I should have known better. Fuck. Who the hell ate spicy fucking candy? And shouldn't there have been some kind of warning on the label? A picture of a jalapeño or some shit? First the curry, and now the candy. Little Bell was probably going to be permanently scarred because I couldn't keep myself from popping spicy shit into her mouth.

I pulled her into my arms, and a helpful old Asian lady came by with some dried mango strips, and offered us a can of coconut milk. After all of that, Little Bell was in no condition to walk, and I carried her and both bags of groceries the entire ten blocks back to her house. I was frankly fucking blown away as I tried to imagine how Bella did this shit every day.

Ness ran upstairs as soon as we got home, and to be perfectly fucking honest, I wasn't too beat up about it. We had another hour before I figured Bella would be home, and I wanted to have everything prepared.

But Little Bell wasn't gone for long. She ran into the kitchen holding an armful of pink and purple toy horses.

"My ponies want a help."

And her ponies wanted to trample through the rice, and to use the sheets of nori as a field to graze in, and to snack on avocado, and to add water to the wasabi paste. After forty-five minutes, there was rice ground into the floorboards and smashed against the countertop, and there were sheets of nori plastered to the cabinets. Little Bell's ponies were lined up, smeared with avocado and plum paste, all drinking from the bowl that I was supposed to be using to wet the sheets of seaweed.

"Fuck."

"What's a matter, Ewoord?" one of the ponies asked me.

"I wanted to do this right for Ness's mommy."

"Do what right?"

"Well, I wanted to watch Little Bell and to have dinner ready and shit."

"You sayin' bad words, you know," the purple pony informed me.

"I fucking know that, pony."

Ness put the pony down, and blinked up at me. "Ewoord?"

"Yeah, Little Bell?" I had to admit, I was relieved not to talk to the fucking pony anymore.

Little Bell wound her arms around my legs and gave me a big, ricey-sticky hug. "It's gonna be okay, Ewoord."

"You think so?"

She nodded her head in that exaggerated way of hers, her big brown eyes gazing up at me. I picked her up, and she wrapped her body around mine, arms and legs clinging, her face finding the perfect spot in the crook of my neck. "I lo' you, Ewoord."

"I love you too, Little Bell."

It was fucking true. And my instincts had been right: despite everything she had made me feel better. I hadn't thought about anything but her since I'd picked her up, and that felt fucking wonderful, despite the exasperation and the mess of it. Dude, if someone bottled this kid, Prozac would be out of business.

But before I had the chance to tell her that her love was going to involve some serious rice clean up, we both heard the key turning in the lock in the front door.

"Mama's home! Mama's home!"

Little Bell wriggled in my arms and rice fell to the kitchen floor like rain. I plopped her down on the ground and she dashed towards the living room. I glanced around, surveying the messy kitchen and the meager display of unappealing sushi. Fuck.

"_Ewoord comed and getted me, mama!"_

I started wiping down the countertops, but the seaweed seemed to be glued on. I could hear Bella's footsteps coming closer and I felt suddenly shy, suddenly uneasy, and suddenly very out of place. I was completely out of my element. Little Bell had masked it all so well, but it suddenly hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. What the fuck was I doing?

"Look, mama! We made shushi!"

Nessie pulled her mom into the kitchen. Bella looked fucking beautiful, in a deep purple blouse and a form fitting lavender skirt, with pretty chocolate brown heels. And she was blushing, and she looked around the kitchen nervously. So did I. It was a fucking mess.

"I though we were going out for sushi on Friday?"

"I like sushi?" I said with a shrug. "But it was harder to make than I thought it would be, all things considered." My eyes settled on Ness for a split second and Bella laughed.

"Understood." And she surprised me with a kiss on the cheek, and her free hand brushed my hip. When she stepped back I thought I saw the hint of something sad and worried in her eyes, but she ducked into the refrigerator before I could be sure. In a few seconds she emerged with miso, scallions, mushrooms and a block of tofu.

"We need tiny little squares. Okay, Ness?"

"Okay, mama."

Bella set Ness up with a cutting board and a pink plastic knife, and the little girl went straight to work, her tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth. Another minute, and Bella had a pot of miso on the stove, and began adding water and shoyu and powdered ginger.

"I figure miso soup goes with sushi, right?" she asked without looking up.

"Um, yeah. Can I do something?"

"Just finish what you started over there, okay?"

"I think I'm having more fun watching you."

Bella glanced at me out of the corner of her eyes, her little mouth twisted up in a half-smile. "Get to work, Mr. Masen," she said, and nudged me with her hip. And if Little Bell weren't in the kitchen, I'm pretty sure we would have been ordering in for dinner.

"Nice work, Ness!" Bella applauded as she swooped in, pulled the cutting board away from her daughter and dumped the tiny tofu pieces into the pot of simmering soup. "We're having food from Japan for dinner. What kind of music goes with Japanese food?"

"Japandroids!" Ness cheered, jumping up and down.

"Sounds about right. Why don't you go find the record and put it on, okay honey?"

Ness rushed out of the room. "Okay, mama!" she called as she went.

"How did you do that?"

"What?" Bella asked, stirring scallions and mushrooms into the soup.

"You just made that look so easy."

"I've had four years of practice, Edward."

_Four fucking years_. I guess I'd thought that after spending a couple days with Ness this afternoon would just work itself out. I think I'd taken it for granted that I could handle Ness because I was bigger, or something.

"I'm sorry about the mess," I said, putting the sushi aside and moving closer to Bella.

"I didn't expect you to cook."

"But I make phenomenal fucking sushi."

Bella laughed. "Oh, I can see that," she said glancing at the mess on the counter and the misshapen rolls I'd made with Ness.

I plucked a piece of a roll off the counter and pressed it against Bella's mouth. Watching the rolled up nori and sushi rice slide between Bella's lips was ridiculously erotic, and my fingertips lingered a moment longer than they had to. "Tell me you don't fucking like this."

Bella closed her eyes and slowly chewed and swallowed. "Well, I like you, at least."

"Fuck you, Bella."

"Oh, I'm counting on it, Mr. Masen."

xXxXx

Dinner was quick and delicious. Little Bell was exhausted, and she went to bed without any protest. I was still sitting at the table when Bella made it back downstairs ten minutes later.

"Hey."

"Hey," I said, wrapping my arms around her, pulling her onto the bench with me, holding her slender body tight against mine.

"Something happened today," Bella murmured against my chest.

"It did."

"You know?" she asked. "How could you know? Did she tell you?" I could hear the panic rising in her voice.

"What are you talking about, Bella?"

"James." His name cut through my pity-laced worries.

"Shit! What happened?"

"He agreed to pay back support."

"You're fucking kidding."

"And he filed for joint custody."

"Fucking shit."

Bella's body went limp against mine and she began quietly sobbing, letting the tears she'd kept inside all evening flow freely.

I held her, feeling helpless. I pressed my nose to her head, I rocked, I hummed, and Bella cried quietly. Forever, for five minutes, for some immeasurable span of time. "Aminah won't let that happen," I whispered, rubbing her back.

I wanted to be the one that wouldn't let that happen. I either wanted to square off against the fucker in court, or I wanted to take Bella and Ness and run from this shit. From my ex and her family, from James, from Rosalie, from that fucktard from Washington and his mystery car. We could run and start over.

"_I know you not my daddy, yet."_

I'd tell people I was her father.

"Baby, we'll be all right, together. Okay?"

"Shit, Edward. I'm so scared. I don't want him anywhere near her."

"It's so unlikely, baby. Not with his past. We won't let it happen. We won't."

And I rocked and held and hummed Bella's melody until she was silent. "You had news?" she finally asked, changing the subject. But anything I had to say paled in comparison to that shit with James.

"Fucking shit," I muttered. "Not now."

"Edward, please?" Bella swiveled around on the bench, her eyes large and red-rimmed. She was so fucking pretty, even when she was sad and scared and feeling small. "I need to talk about something else."

I decided to start with the easy shit. "Do you know Stanley O'Mara?"

I watched her shoulders relax as she took a deep breath. "Who's that?"

"He owns the blue car from Washington, the one that was outside the other day."

"I've never heard of him. Ever. That was your news?"

Any other person, any other time in my life and I would have said yes and walked away. Bella wanted that to be it, too. She smiled and slid closer to me on the bench. Her bare leg rubbed against my thigh, her fingers toyed with the cloth of my trousers at the knee.

I grabbed her hand and closed my eyes. "I lost my job, baby."

"What!"

"I was fired this morning."

"That's not funny, Edward."

"It's not a fucking joke."

"After yesterday, after the mayor, this doesn't make any sense." The pitch of her voice was rising again and she pulled her hand from mine.

"Laurent waited for me to win the case yesterday. But he'd been planning on it since the weekend, I think."

"What the hell happened?" I couldn't find the right words, I opened my mouth to try, but nothing came out. I felt her warm fingers on my jaw, and a small hand on my heart. "Baby?"

When had she started calling me baby? When had the sound of her voice, soft and scared, started hurting? When did I start accepting this love, even though I was a screw up?

"I fucked up, Bella."

"You don't fuck up, Edward. I know you well enough to know that."

And I opened my eyes and looked up from the wood grains on the bench, trying to find the words that I needed to speak somewhere in her brown eyes.

"But I did. Just once, but I'd fucking do it again. I'd never fucking take it back. You've got to believe that."

I watched the realization instantaneously dawn in Bella's eyes. Her hands fell to the bench in front of her. "It was me."

"No."

"Don't lie to me, Edward."

"It was Tanya's family. Laurent would never have canned me otherwise."

"Katie?"

I shrugged.

"I'm so sorry."

"I'm not. Understand? I could never be fucking sorry. I fucking fell in love with you, Bella. But I don't know what the fuck you're doing. I'll take it, though."

Bella snuggled closer to me, she leaned her head against my chest.

"Are you sure you want to date an unemployed, homeless man?"

"Just you, Edward. Are you okay?"

"With you and Ness. Otherwise, I don't fucking know."

And we stayed there, quietly leaning on one another, until my ass began to hurt from sitting on that hard wooden bench. I shifted and tried to get comfortable, and Bella understood, and stood, and held my hand and led me to the couch. I settled in with my back against the armrest, and Bella crawled between my legs, her back to my front.

I rested my chin on the top of her head, I let her breathing lull me, in and out. And in our little bubble, none of the other shit could even touch us. Until Bella spoke, until she began naming her fears all over again.

"I don't know what I'd tell Ness."

"About my job?"

"If she was ordered to see James."

"She doesn't know about him?"

Bella simply shook her head and a strangled sob escaped from her mouth.

"Don't tell her anything, yet. There's no reason to, right?

"I'm scared, Edward."

"No matter what, Bella, I'll keep you two safe." I wrapped my arms and legs around her and pulled her body as close to my heart as I could get it without ripping open my chest.

"That's what Jake used to say."

"But you broke his heart."

And the fragile strength of a weeklong relationship cast a darker shadow in that quiet, dimly lit room. Both of us were acutely aware of the tentative nature of what we had: all the ways it could go wrong, all the loss and heartbreak that swirled around us.

"I don't want to break your heart," Bella murmured.

"You don't have to worry. It broke a long time ago."

"You're wrong. Not about it being broken, but about now. You have such a big heart, Edward. You just don't know it."

"You're the only person that would ever fucking say that, you know?"

"I don't really believe that. But even if that were true, you had all the reason in the world to be angry, Edward. You were depressed and abandoned by your own dad. Like anything else, love takes practice, and you didn't have much of a chance to practice, you know? But I think you've gotten the hang of it."

"I'm scared shitless, Bella."

"Me too."

xXxXx

And that night was different. I think we were both trying to prove that our love was enough, that is was real, that it was something we could both hold. Bella pulled off buttons as she clawed at my shirt, I snapped the waistband of her panties in two as I tore them off. And I fucking pounded her relentlessly as she held my face firmly in her hands, as she told me that she loved me like it was a mantra that would ward off evil. And when I was done, I collapsed and tried not to fucking sob. But I did lay my head on her bare chest, huffing, my chest shuddering, and she kept her legs wrapped around my waist as if they could keep me pinned to the spot.

We woke hours later to the sound of tires screeching outside the house. Another car's engine revved, and tires squealed on the quiet street. The car sped past the house and screeched again as it rounded the corner.

"What the fuck?"

"Shh," Bella replied sleepily.

But even though I was half-asleep, I knew something was wrong. "Wait here, baby," I mumbled as I tried to untangle my limbs from Bella's. And Felix's fucking car was gone. "Shit!"

Bella sat bolt upright, her eyes wide. I rifled through the clothing that littered the living room floor, cursing and trying to find my pants, my cell.

"Edward?"

"Felix? Where the hell are you?" I barked as soon as he picked up.

"I'm pulling onto 95. She's three cars ahead."

"O'Mara? Which way are you headed?"

"North."

"Shit! What was she doing?"

"She drove by again and stopped in front of the house. She actually opened the door this time, but she spotted me, and drove off quick… _Shit!_"

"Jesus, Felix, what is it?"

"A fucking cop."

"What?"

"I'm getting pulled over by a fucking cop!"

"The fuck you are."

"Bitch, you don't pay me nearly enough for a high speed chase. I'm pulling the fuck over. And you're paying for this ticket."

Fuck.

* * *

**A/N: TPoL has been nominated for a Glosp award for Best Drop Everything and Read Story: Hooked Fic. A ton of other awesome stories have been nominated too! To vote, here's the link: http : /glospawards . blogspot . com/p/vote . html**

**And Stella over at FFFW Interviewed me for this month's Writer's Spotlight. To check out my interview, here's the link: http : /www . thefreedomfanfictionwriters . com/group/forum/topics/new-writer-interview-marie**

**And you can get in touch with me over at facebook at: http : /www . facebook . com/belladonna . cullen1**

**Thanks to my beta, Lindz, and my new pre-reader, fuzzyltlwingedthing, and THANK YOU so much for all of the reviews and for all the love! Until next week, xxx, M**


	24. Chapter 21

**BPOV**

Edward Masen could bring me to a place no man ever had before; like he took me completely out of my body at the same time that I could feel everything so acutely, in exquisite detail. I don't know how that was possible, but it was.

When we were apart I worried that this blinding energy was pushing me somewhere I wasn't ready to go. Pushing us both. I didn't worry when he was with me, though. With him in my bed, or simply in the same room, Edward was all I wanted. And he was all I needed. I felt safe and satisfied. I wanted to touch him, to have him hold me, to have his hands, his lips, _any part of him_, against me, inside of me.

And when I saw the way he loved my daughter, the way his eyes lit up when he talked to her, the way she smiled when she hugged him, how could I have any doubts? The moments when I thought about Nessie's disappointment when she found out that it would take time for Edward to ever be counted as her daddy, those times I couldn't understand my hesitancy.

Or times like now… as Edward sat awake in my bed, holding me, trying to lull me to sleep, with his cell on vibrate at the bedside. It was the second night in a row he'd sat up, like my own personal night watchman, waiting in case that woman returned. When he thought I was asleep, he'd gently disentangle my limbs from his, he'd watch out the windows, he'd check on Ness.

I was grateful. I couldn't pretend that the woman in the car was just a coincidence anymore. And, honestly, I was frightened to the bone. There were too many possibilities: she could have been sent by Jake, or Victoria, or James. There was the off chance she was a spy for Edward's ex-girlfriend. Edward told me he'd forwarded the information about the car and its owner to another private investigator, but we hadn't heard anything new about Stanley O'Mara. According to everyone, there wasn't anything to hear.

Last night after being woken up by the car chase, I'd finally fallen back into a fitful sleep sometime before three am. I dreamt about Edward and I, naked, loving, fucking, and I'd toss and turn until my body found his - still sitting awake. And just before five, he kissed me goodbye and murmured something about Alice and files and to call if I needed him. I smiled a sleepy smile and I stole his shirt. I threaded my arms through the sleeves and held it closed as I watched him dress. He looked mouthwatering in just his suit pants and his tight cotton T-shirt. And if I'd had more than two hours sleep, I would have made him stay at least another ten minutes.

Edward slipped his hands under his shirt and over my hips and my ass as he kissed me goodbye at the door. I reconsidered those ten minutes and practically pinned him to the wall. "Bella," he murmured. "What about Ness?"

He was right, of course. She'd be up soon. We couldn't let her find me half dressed and fucking Edward goodbye.

"What will you do today?"

"I've got to put the PLA in order. I used the firm as a gathering point, and now there's nowhere but Alice's place to use as a home base. I need to find office space. Between Esme and I, we'll have to cover our bases with the board. It could all fall apart if details of my firing leak. And to top it off, I can't be at the legal clinic tomorrow."

"Edward, I'm so -"

"No, Bella. Don't. It's my own fault. I've had this shit coming for about fifteen years. If it falls apart, then I've done three years of good work. But I've got to at least try to keep things running. And anyway, I don't have anything else to do."

"What about me?"

Edward finally smiled. It was the first time in close to twelve hours. "I'll do you later, okay, baby?"

"I'll hold you to that."

"I won't be able to pick Ness up from school today. I have to meet with Garrett."

"You're not her nanny, Edward. I didn't expect you to."

And in that moment, real life came crashing down around me, even though Edward was still in the room. I still hadn't found a permanent sitter for Ness. I had a meeting with my attorney in two days to discuss James' petition for joint custody. And I had work, and laundry and a daughter to take care of. All while a private investigator watched my house because a woman was stalking me. I took a deep breath and clutched Edward's chest for support.

"Hey, hey… I could change things up and make it to her school if it would make you feel better." His hand cupped my face, tipping it upwards so I could look into his eyes.

"It's not you, Edward. You're one of the only good things. But when you go, everything else comes flooding back. Like, the rest of my life, you know?"

Edward encircled me in his arms, fitting my body against his, resting his chin on top of my head. "I can understand. But I remind myself that my life's not all shit, now that you're part of it."

"I am?"

"Of course. The best part."

"I'd still like to help with PLA, you know."

"Let's make sure it doesn't crumble to the ground first, then hope I'm not fired by the board, afterwards we'll see what we can do."

"I know. And I've got to think about Ness right now, before anything else. I'm the only person out there making sure she's safe."

"We'll both concentrate on that."

"Edward, you don't -"

"I don't have a choice in the matter. I don't _want_ a choice."

xXxXx

Edward made it back to the house just after dinner and Ness charged at him like she hadn't seen him in weeks. He dropped his bag to the floor just in time to scoop her into his arms.

"Ewoord! Where you go'ed?"

"I had work to do, Little Bell. And other things. Surprises."

"Aprises! For me?"

"We'll talk about it tomorrow when I pick you up from school. Okay?"

"Okay," Ness agreed halfheartedly, giving Edward her best pouty face. "You comin' to get me again amorrow?"

"If it's okay with you and your mom."

"Mama, pa-lease?"

She didn't need to beg. I nodded and Ness danced in Edward's arms. He kissed me on the cheek as he toted her into the dining room where I was cleaning up.

"And we can go to a park again?" she asked before Edward or I could get a word out.

Edward stooped down, placed Ness on the ground and whispered something in her ear. My daughter nodded her head gravely, and after a big hug and some tired laughter, she asked me to put her to bed. Ness _never_ asked to be put to bed, and I gave Edward a questioning look as I carried my daughter up the stairs.

But after Ness was down for the night, I skipped over all of my questions about what had gotten my daughter into bed so quickly. One look at Edward, and we reached a mutual decision that no words were necessary, at the moment. Don't get me wrong; there were a million awful and important things we could have discussed. We could have talked forever about what was wrong in our lives, or we could concentrate on something that we both knew was right.

We were swift, and quiet and focused - systematic, almost. Our clothes came off and our eyes studied one another, sizing each other up, planning, and hoping. My body sang when Edward evaluated me like that, not hiding the hunger in his eyes. Finally naked, our lips met and hands connected with bare skin, and I sank onto him. He groaned, eyes closed, and my body fell onto his, brushing, stroking, ebbing and flowing, until he rolled me onto my back, trapping me underneath him. He made love to me with hard edges, with scratchy whiskers, buried inside of me, bringing me home to that place I talked about earlier: where there was everything and nothing in the flare of a match light bright enough to blind, blown out in the wind.

By the time the alarm went off on his phone at five, he'd finally settled into the bed, against me, warm and hard and loving in his embrace. As far as I could tell, he'd fallen asleep for the first time in two nights. But Edward pried his eyes open and squeezed his arms around me.

"Today, baby," he mumbled.

"Today what?" I asked rolling over so that we were chest to chest.

And Edward looked at me questioningly with sleepy, half-open eyes, waiting, with a small smile on his lips. He shook his head. He traced my lips with his fingertip.

"Since I'll be picking up Ness again, maybe you could get my name on that list at her school? That way I wouldn't need your neighbor as a go between."

"Really?"

"Maybe I wouldn't get evil stares that way."

"If the other moms were staring, it was only to check you out."

"I'm pretty sure you're wrong. Unless the security guard liked what he saw."

I playfully looked Edward over and wriggled my body against his. I could feel him begin to respond immediately. "I wouldn't blame him," I murmured, pressing my body closer, hooking my leg over his.

"You wouldn't, would you?" And I was on my back again, my hands pinned next to my head, Edward weighting my body down so that I couldn't move. And really, why would I want to? But he simply kissed my nose before sitting back on his heels. "We'll pick this up where we left off."

I gave him my best puppy dog expression, but he simply held out his hand and pulled me to sitting.

"Later, baby. I promise. Walk me out?"

In a way, this farce seemed silly, this idea that Edward shouldn't be there when Ness woke. Today, at least. Today I wanted him to hug me and hold me, to make me forget what wasn't happening. Today hurt and I didn't know how to talk about it, because Edward was already hurt enough. He'd lost his job because of this, because of us. I couldn't let him know that my birthday wouldn't be the same without Jake.

xXxXx

_I clutched the bag of lollipops in my hand, checking over Jake's shoulder for any sign of James. Seeing that the coast was clear, I sighed and turned my attention back to my friend. He'd made the three-hour drive to Olympia every year since I'd left for school, but I hadn't heard a thing from him since he'd started college in Port Angeles the month before._

"_You know I wouldn't forget your birthday, Bells. School's been crazy, but I'm sure you know how that can be. There are twenty-one in there, of course," he said, nodding towards the bag in my hands._

"_I guess I knew, Jake."_

"_I haven't forgotten a single one of your birthdays since we were, what? Ten?"_

"_I was ten. You were seven."_

"_Those ten lollipops cost me my whole allowance."_

"_Please, like I don't know that! You pointed that out at my birthday party, to everyone there. And then, like, every day after that until I gave you back the fifty cents." Even though I was worried about what James might think with Jake there, I couldn't help but smile._

"_Fifty cents isn't easy to come by when you're seven, Bells."_

"_Well, thanks for pulling together a whole dollar for me this year. I appreciate it," I chuckled. _

"_A dollar, five, and don't you forget it."_

_I offered Jake a lime lollipop. I hated lime. I was relieved to have him there, despite what James might say. _

"_Seriously, Jake. Things have been weird, lately. I don't know. I feel a little unsettled. And it wouldn't have felt like my birthday without you here. Without this silly bag of lollipops."_

"_Dude, Bells. If I wasn't here today, I'd spend the whole day knowing that I wasn't where I was supposed to be."_

xXxXx

That was seven years ago. All these years later, I didn't believe Jake was supposed to be here with me anymore: not in my house or in my bed. I didn't expect him to come, and I didn't even expect him to call. And if he did, it wouldn't be pleasant, to say the least. But the idea that I'd ruined things so thoroughly, that I'd lost my friend so completely, and that my birthdays would never feel the same, left me a little sad.

"I'll see you later," Edward murmured, his soft lips brushing against mine. "Have a good day, baby." The way he said it sounded so earnest, not just like an offhanded parting.

"I'll try."

"Do that, and I'll see you later."

"I don't want you to go today," I admitted as he unlocked the front door. I hadn't meant to say it. I'd blurted it out without thinking.

Edward's hand stilled on the knob and he bit his bottom lip. "We'll figure it out. Okay?"

"Okay," I relented, letting him go. And when the door closed behind him I collapsed against it and slid to the ground.

My life had changed dramatically; it was immeasurably better and worse, all in one. Edward said he knew his life wasn't all shit because I was in it. But truthfully, I couldn't get around the feeling that besides Edward and Ness, the rest of my life was beginning to cave in around me.

xXxXx

"_Happy birthday, baby girl!"_

"Hi, Daddy."

My dad always got up insanely early on my birthday so he could call me before I left for work. It was just before five, his time.

"_I waited as long as I could to hear that my little girl was engaged. But I had to call you on your birthday, sweetheart. So, let's hear it. Does grandma's ring fit?"_

I instantly broke into a cold sweat. I should have called my dad a long time ago. But I'd been so scared of what he'd think, and anyway, I thought that by now he would have known what happened. I kind of figured he hadn't called me because he was disappointed.

"You haven't heard, then?"

"_Heard what, baby girl? Did you elope?"_

"I'm not getting married, daddy."

"_Shit,_" my dad mumbled under his breath and I jumped a little on my end of the line. I could probably count the number of times I'd heard my dad swear on two hands… Well, and two hands and two feet, maybe. He'd had to talk to my mom from time to time.

"_I didn't ruin the surprise, didn't I? Billy told me to wait you guys out. But how could I call today and not say anything?"_

"No, no… That's not it. I said _no_, daddy."

There was silence on the other end of the line and I let my dad process what I'd said. We'd done that a lot while I was growing up. We knew how to sit quietly with one another's thoughts. After a good thirty seconds, he cleared his throat.

"_Can I ask what you're waiting for, peanut?"_

"I'm not waiting, daddy. I don't want to marry him."

"_But the boy put in so much time."_

"I'm sorry." I wiped at the tears in my eyes.

"_It doesn't seem like you should be apologizing… to me, anyway."_

"I did tell him I was sorry, dad. And I am. I didn't think I was settling until… No, 'settling' is the wrong word. Jake is awesome, daddy, and he was always there for me. More than just about anyone, but you. But there's, like, this big difference between love and gratitude. And, you know, after all that stuff with James, I think I was more depressed than I realized. I maybe didn't remember what it was like to be really happy.

"I know you love him, dad. I know that you wanted this," I managed, my voice breaking. At this point, my free hand was no match for the tears streaming down my face.

"_Isabella, baby, listen to me. You're my daughter and I love you more than anything else in this world. If Jake isn't the boy that can make you happy, then I don't want you to chain yourself to him…_

"_But this doesn't mean I can't still go fishing with the boy, does it?"_

"No, daddy, of course not," I answered with a sob and a chuckle. My dad may have loved me the best, but fishing was a close second.

"_Do you have special plans for the day?" _my dad asked, kindly changing the subject.

"No, no plans. It didn't feel right. There's a lot going on lately, dad. I can't get into it now, though. I've got to get Ness to school and then get to work."

I was hedging, and I knew it. But there was truly no way I could begin explaining the problems in my life just five minutes before I had to leave the house.

"_You make sure you have a good day. Okay, baby girl?"_

I heard an echo of Edward's words in my dad's request, and it made me smile.

xXxXx

I checked my messages at lunch and found a birthday voicemail waiting for me from my mom. She'd called from a yoga retreat in the Florida Keys and she wanted to know what was up with the new man I'd been seeing. The one that told me he loved me. For the first time in as long as I could remember, a birthday phone call from my mom made me smile.

Afterwards, I checked my schedule for the afternoon and found that it had changed drastically since just before lunch. There were no appointments listed after four. I went to ask Shelly about the changes, but of course, she was out for lunch, and the new intern didn't know a thing. On the way back to my office, I nearly bumped into Carlisle.

"Dr. Swan," he said with a stiff smile.

"Hi, um, Dr. Cullen."

It felt so awkward calling Carlisle 'Dr. Cullen'. But if he was going to keep calling me Dr. Swan, well, it seemed like the right thing to do.

"I was just coming from your office. There's something I thought we should discuss."

"And I was looking for Shelly. Do you know what happened to my afternoon appointments?"

Carlisle shrugged and his smile became less self-conscious on the spot. "If you're afternoon has freed up, perhaps you should get out of here early. Chances like this don't come along often. We'll get Shelly to block off the time."

"No, you don't have to -" But, before I could finish, I thought about Edward and Ness. This meant I could spend more time with both of them. "Umm, as long as you're okay with it."

"I'm more than okay with that idea. Now, do you have a moment?"

"Uh," I glanced at my watch. I had five minutes before my next appointment. "I guess so." But when I looked back at Carlisle, the gravely serious look in his icy blue eyes gave me pause. I instantly wished there was somewhere else I needed to be.

Once the door to his office was closed, Carlisle became even more serious. He pierced his lips together and ran a hand nervously through his hair as he strode over to his desk and rifled through some papers. There was so much sudden tension in his tidy little office that I wanted to open the window to let some of it out.

I was afraid to sit. Carlisle didn't make me.

"You can't imagine how angry I was when I heard that my nephew lost his job," he began as if he were picking up an internal dialogue that had been running through his mind. I don't know what I'd expected him to say, but that hadn't been it.

"I never meant for that to happen, Dr. Cullen. I'm s-"

"I'm not angry with _you_, Dr. Swan. With the circumstance, perhaps. Not to mention my anger at a longtime family friend."

"I don't know what to say," I stammered.

Carlisle sighed and settled into his chair. He closed his eyes and seemed to gather his thoughts and calm himself down a bit. "Do you know how happy you've made my wife?"

"Esme is _happy_? Now? After everything?"

"Well, right about now I believe she's pulling strings to get Sasha's membership to the Country Club cancelled. But given the state of your relationship with my nephew, and the recent change in his nature, she'd be hard pressed not to feel pleased.

"Umm, I'm not sure what-"

"Dr. Swan, I'd like you to know that I would never dream of taking the action that Edward's former boss, Laurent, took. I've watched you and Edward both struggle, and I know first hand that neither of you jumped into… _this,_ without quite a bit of thought."

I sighed with relief. Carlisle just wanted me to know that I could keep my job. "Thanks, Dr. Cullen. I really appreciate your understanding. I normally would never do anything like this, you know."

"I do understand, which is why it makes it all the more difficult for me to tell you this."

"This?"

Oh no. _This._ What was _this_?

Carlisle kept his eyes on his desk as he handed me a white envelope that he'd unearthed from the clutter. I recognized the Pennsylvania State seal immediately. The envelope was addressed to Fairmount Family Medicine, but it was the return address that had my immediate attention.

**Pennsylvania Bureau of Professional and Occupational Affairs**

**Enforcement and Investigation Division**

My stomach felt like it dropped to the floor and bounced on impact. My hand shook a little as I took the envelope from Carlisle.

"What is _this_?" I asked. But I knew.

"They've asked for a copy of Edward's file. That's all I know. I imagine you haven't heard from them directly, yet?"

_Yet._

I shook my head. The envelope felt like it was searing my flesh where it touched my skin, and I let it drop to the desk.

"Carlisle?"

"There's a chance it's nothing, Dr. Swan."

"Was it Tanya?"

"Perhaps. They'll reveal the identity of complainant if they decide they've grounds to proceed."

"Who else knows about _this_?" I asked nodding towards the envelope. I half expected it to burn a hole through the desk.

"No one, Bella. But if they go ahead with the investigation, they'll likely interview everyone in the office. Perhaps family members and friends as well."

I practically fell into the chair across from Carlisle. I pressed my hands against my face and tried not to cry. I couldn't lose my license. What would I do then? What would I tell my dad? How would I take care of Ness? Oh my god! What about court?

I thought about that mantra that I always used to calm myself down at work: _You're a real doctor now, Bella Swan._ It wasn't going to work in this situation. Because all of the sudden, there was a chance that I might not be a real doctor for long.

I tried to take deep, steadying breaths, but I still felt like I might pass out.

"They may very well drop the complaint."

"I could lose my license," I said, more to myself than to Carlisle.

And suddenly, my boss' large hand was on my shoulder. He'd walked around to my side of the desk. "We don't need to go there yet, Bella," he murmured. "You're an intelligent and thorough physician with a spotless record."

I simply shook my head. Edward had been a patient in this practice and I'd held his hand, I'd kissed him, and I'd fucked him in an office. I remembered the case I'd studied in medical school ethics class, about the doctor that began a relationship with a patient three weeks after he operated on her. He lost his license because he hadn't explicitly stated their medical relationship was over.

"My family will support you and Edward, no matter what, Bella. My wife will use all of her family's influence to clear your name, if it becomes necessary. I'm sure she'd even drop my last name, if she thought it would help."

I couldn't have lifted myself from that chair if I tried.

"Please don't say anything, Carlisle. Is that too much to ask? I mean, I guess you'll talk to Esme, of course. But please don't say anything to Alice, or Emmett, or Edward… okay?"

"Of course. We'll wait to see where this goes. Perhaps nowhere and we could continue on like this had never happened."

I didn't feel so lucky.

"I hated to tell you today, but I thought you should know immediately. You should perhaps find legal council."

"I have a meeting with my attorney tomorrow."

"Handpicked by Edward, no doubt?"

"They say she's the second best."

xXxXx

It was a good thing I had a lightened load that afternoon, because I was hardly able to concentrate. I finished up my chart notes and returned the last of my calls shortly after four. I'd been so excited to leave early so that I could spend time with Edward, but now I was nervous. I had a feeling that Edward would probably take this news a lot worse than he'd taken his own job loss.

With a heavy heart and trying not to hyperventilate, I gathered my things, waived goodbye to Shelly, and left the office. Outside, the sunshine felt warm on my face, and I took a minute to close my eyes and bask in the light, letting the comfort of the late afternoon work its way through my body.

Edward was a lawyer. He'd help me make this all right.

"Mama!"

_Ness?_

My eyes shot open, but the sun was shining in them, nearly blinding me. I squinted and shaded my face, and that's when I saw them. Edward and Nessie were standing across the street holding hands. Nessie was wearing a fancy blue lace dress I'd never seen before, waving her hand wildly, and jumping up and down to catch my attention. Edward was leaning against a tree, looking particularly handsome in a gray suit and matching tie.

"Happy birthday, mama!" Ness yelled at the top of her lungs as she began pulling Edward across the street. Once they'd safely crossed, Edward let Ness go, and she bounded into my open arms.

"Happy birthday?" I asked, looking between Edward and Ness. Edward shrugged his shoulders and smiled with a very guilty expression on his face.

"Uh huh! It's your birthday, mama! Ewoord telled me. I getted you something. I maked it," Ness explained, wriggling with excitement. She handed me a little box wrapped in brown paper, colored with crayons.

"Should I open it now?"

Ness nodded her head enthusiastically. So, I knelt down on the sidewalk, and began pulling at the paper.

"Ewoord helped me."

I glanced up at Edward, and he was smiling as he intently watched the unfolding scene. My hands faltered, my eyes teared up.

"Open your gift," he mouthed.

I went back to work on the little package in my hands. Underneath the paper was a plain cardboard box, and inside, the box was tightly packed with tissue paper. By this point, Nessie was too excited to let me work on my own. She started throwing shreds of tissue paper all over the sidewalk.

Underneath it all, was a flattened oval of pink-colored clay.

"You see it?" Ness asked breathlessly. I picked up the little piece of clay and turned it over to find Nessie's handprint, with today's date written underneath in Edward's handwriting. It was a larger version of the one I'd made just after she was born, the one that caught Edward's attention last week. Ness had colored this one pink and purple, and had glued sparkles all over it.

"I love it, Ness. Thank you." I hugged her and she snuggled into my embrace.

"I not knowed it was your birthday," she murmured.

"So, you _knew_ this morning?" I asked, glancing back up at Edward.

"I wasn't sure if I should bring it up. And I couldn't believe you weren't going to say anything. I thought we'd surprise you? Happy birthday, Bella."

"Thanks," I murmured, standing to my feet. I traced the imprint of Nessie's hand with my fingertip. Edward wound his arm around my waist, and brushed his lips against my ear.

"It may have been the last thing you made, but it was the best thing," he whispered. "Your pottery is good, but your daughter… I love her almost as much as I love you."

We drove home together and I felt stuck and sick, and filled to overflowing with bittersweet love. I snuck glances at Edward, and he'd smile shyly back, his hand would wander across the console and stoke my thigh. After we pulled up in front of the house, Edward grabbed my hand, pulling me in the opposite direction.

"I didn't even consider making dinner. I didn't want to fu-, I mean, _mess up_ your kitchen again, on your birthday, no less."

Ness took my other hand and we walked to a tiny little Italian restaurant a few blocks from my house. I'd lived in the neighborhood for years, but I'd never been there before. It was the kind of place I'd never had the chance to eat at. It was too small and intimate to bring Ness, and the few times Jake and I had gone out alone, well, he wasn't really the candlelit dinner type.

"Edward, we can't go in here with Ness."

"Of course we can," he said, gently squeezing my hand.

Inside, the restaurant was dimly lit, and all done in dark wood and marble and deep red velvet. Tables were draped with linens, and long tapered candles brought out sparkles in the glassware. I glanced at Ness and wondered how much of that glassware would end up in pieces.

The restaurant was empty, of course. It was barely five o'clock. The maitre d' led us to a table right in the center of the room and I noticed that one of the high-backed chairs was fitted with a fancy looking booster seat.

"For the little miss," the somber, tux-wearing man murmured.

"I'm not dressed for this, Edward."

"You look beautiful."

I glanced nervously at Ness, and she smiled right back at me as she eagerly clambered into her chair.

"It's going to be fine, baby," Edward murmured in my ear. "Have a seat, okay?"

And it was fine. My meal was beyond delicious. The kitchen managed to produce their own version of fancy chicken nuggets for Ness. She ate them with a fork, and dipped them into a little silver cup of marinara, instead of ketchup. After her first successful attempt with the fork, Ness glanced across the table at Edward. He gave her a thumbs up, but she shook her head, darted up out of her seat and leaned across the table to give him a fist bump instead.

I cringed and jumped to my feet; ready to catch falling drinks and to avert setting the tablecloth on fire. But the glasses stayed erect and the food stayed on the plates and the candles flickered where they stood. And Ness sat back down and folded her little hands in her lap. Edward could hardly stop smiling at her, except when his eyes fell on me. He looked so proud, like he'd accomplished something very worthwhile.

"Weren't we supposed to go out _tomorrow_?" I asked.

"We're still on for our date tomorrow. But your birthday's tonight."

Two graying men wandered into the dining area and sat themselves down across the room from us on a little raised platform. They were wearing embroidered vests and string ties, and uncovered an accordion and a… mandolin, maybe? Or a lute. I had no idea, really.

"Music?" I asked Edward.

He ducked his head, smiling, and Ness clapped her hands excitedly. Then the musicians launched into an old-world version of 'Happy Birthday' as our waiter walked out with a tiramisu with a candle on top. I let Ness help me blow it out.

Afterwards, the musicians continued playing, and Nessie dug into an enormous bowl of gelato, and Edward held my hand across the table. A few other diners began to trickle in, and they smiled at us as they walked by the table: a little family out to celebrate some special occasion. Maybe we were out because of a raise, or the purchase of a new home, a milestone of some sort, maybe a birthday. Certainly not the launch of an investigation into my medical misconduct.

I closed my eyes and shuddered.

"Baby?" Edward murmured. I shook my head in response.

"Don't you like celebrating your birthday?"

But I couldn't answer. Edward walked briskly around the table and pulled me to my feet. He wrapped his arms around me, in the hug that I'd needed since I'd seen Carlisle. I collapsed against him, taking deep breaths, burying my head against his broad chest.

"Dance with me?" he whispered in my ear. I glanced up and vaguely saw the musicians smile, and the melody suddenly changed to something slow and swinging.

"No," I protested, shaking my head.

"Why not? Who's watching?" he asked. The four other diners must have overheard, because they each buried their nose in their menus. The musicians turned their backs to us. Edward's arms encircled my waist, and he led me to the front of the room.

"Happy birthday, baby," he whispered.

"Thank you." I tried not to cry.

I looked back at Ness and she smiled and waived at the two of us while she swayed in her seat to the music.

"How did you get Ness to sit still?"

"Bribery," Edward answered off-handedly.

"What?"

"I can't say," he chuckled. "We have an understanding. I'll leave it at that."

I looked back at my daughter. Our waiter had just walked over to the table and held out his hand. That was all the invitation Ness needed. She practically jumped out of her chair and led the waiter onto the dance floor.

Ness was an old pro when it came to dancing with older men. She'd been to both of Jacob's sister's weddings. She stepped carefully onto each of the waiter's toes and waited for him to guide her around the room while she hugged his hips. If it was a little too intimate for our waiter, he didn't let on for a second.

"Hey," Edward whispered, bringing my attention back to his face, his lips, his eyes, his arms holding me close. He took my breath away, all over again. It was still so hard to believe that he was here with my daughter and me. That he so obviously loved us both.

"Hi," I murmured back. "You know, you didn't have to -"

"Shh," he hushed, brushing his nose against mine. "I wanted to. I couldn't let the day go by without celebrating you," he said. His hand drifted a little lower as we danced, and it was hard not to press my hips against him. But as I caught sight of Ness across the room, my heart swelled and faltered, all at once. It was enough to keep me from pushing things too far.

"There doesn't seem to be a lot to celebrate, lately."

The look in Edward's eyes dimmed, but he pushed my hair behind my ear and let his lips brush against my neck, careful to hide the contact from Ness. "What about us?"

I laid my head against his chest and held him tighter as we swayed to the silly accordion music. I caught sight of Ness copying me and pressing her little head against the waiter's hip. By now, he was most certainly blushing.

"I wish it could always be like this: just us, no trouble, no worry."

"Tonight it is, okay? Just us. Everything else can wait 'til tomorrow," Edward assured me as we swayed together.

And I sighed, giving in. I wanted that so badly that I accepted it, as unlikely as it seemed. "Thank you."

"You know I'd take it all away, if I could."

"You do, Edward, whenever you're around. It feels like nothing can touch us. Like they couldn't reach past your arms."

"You like having me around, then?"

It was such an understatement, that I couldn't help but giggle. "Very much. Can't you tell?"

"Mostly, I'm mildly tolerated."

"I much more than tolerate you." And I stopped dancing and went up on tiptoe so I could whisper into his ear. "I fucking love you, Edward Masen."

And just like that, his arms brought my body flush with his, and his lips claimed mine, and I couldn't find the will to pull away from his embrace. I didn't want to. In that moment, I accepted the mess that came with my fantasy, and I felt like together we could make it all come out right in the end. We had to. Didn't we? I didn't want to think about the alternative.

From somewhere behind me I heard soft, rain-like patter, and eventually, Edward ended our kiss. I saw him smiling at something over my shoulder and I turned to look for myself. It was Ness; clapping, smiling like it was her birthday and Christmas put together. And I was overjoyed and in love and frightened to death all at once. It was one thing if this all fell to pieces and hurt me. But what would it do to my daughter?

Ness bounced on her little feet, trying so badly to hold in her excitement. I nodded my head, and the littlest sign was all she needed. She ran across the room and hugged our legs. Everything considered, it was a good birthday.

xXxXx

Ness fell asleep quickly and easily, smiling. "Ewoord lo's you, mama," she'd said very seriously as I was tucking her in. "You lo' Ewoord too?" she asked as she struggled to keep her eyes open a minute longer.

"It's late, Ness," I answered, quietly pleased with her observation.

"You lo' Ewoord too." It wasn't a question the second time around. I smiled and kissed her forehead, securing the blankets around her little body.

"He a good kisser?"

"Goodnight, Ness."

"I lo' you, mama."

"I love you too, Vanessa."

Edward was waiting downstairs, still in his suit. I had big plans that involved slowly undressing him. Like he said, the news about the medical board could wait until morning. But when I went for his tie, Edward gently removed my hand, kissing my fingers as he pulled it away.

"You want to keep the tie on?" I asked.

"Your birthday's not over, baby."

"No?"

"Not even close. It's only eight."

"But I had plans," I said, trying to suppress a smile. I tugged his arm towards the stairs. Edward seemed like he was almost going to give in, but then he glanced towards the kitchen and pulled me in that direction instead. He was stronger than I was and I gave up the fight.

"Uh oh, did you make sushi again?" I joked.

"Very fucking funny, Bella."

He guided me through the kitchen and thankfully there wasn't any more nori pasted to the countertops. In fact, there was nothing in there, as far as I could tell.

"Should I have you close your eyes?" Edward asked. He looked so excited and nervous, and his bone structure stood out in the dim light. He _was_ pretty, just like Ness had said so many weeks ago.

I looked around the kitchen and couldn't imagine what he had planned. Unless… "Does this have something to do with, um… _food_?"

Edward's eyes twinkled in the semi-darkness. "You'd like that?"

Geez, was he serious? "Umm?" I felt heat spreading across my face. I mentally started ticking through the food I had in the refrigerator: strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate sauce. The look on my face must have been enough of an answer.

"It's not what you think, Bella. But, believe me, I'll keep that in mind."

"You said something about closing my eyes?"

Edward glanced towards the back door. "Wait here. Don't look, okay?"

I laughed a little. "Sure."

Edward quickly slipped out the back door, and soft light began pouring through the frosted glass. Faint strains of familiar music began playing outside. Edward cracked the door just enough to slip back through.

"Maybe this is fucking cheesy," he muttered. He bit his lip. He was nervous.

"Let me see," I asked, trying to peek around him.

"I don't know."

"Come on." I tried to scoot past him, but Edward blocked me, his hands on my hips his chest in the way.

"It seems silly all of the sudden," he admitted, looking at our feet.

Just then, I recognized the song. "Wait, is that… _California Stars_?"

Edward watched me carefully, almost smiling.

"But you hate Wilco, Edward."

"But you don't."

Edward took my hand and opened the back door. The first thing I saw were tiny twinkling white lights strung from the cinder block walls, threaded back and forth through the air, hanging across the small space. There was a blanket laid out over the bare concrete.

"It's hard to see the stars in the city," he explained, as the song played gently in the background. Edward led me to the blanket and pulled me down into his arms.

"Would you like a beer?"

"What? A beer?"

"I'm pretty sure your favorite memory involved beer."

And then I remembered telling him about Bumbershoot and Wilco and the beer and the stars when we'd been talking in my office on our un-date.

"You remembered?"

"Of course. But don't make me leave, okay? I know I wasn't part of the original."

I kissed him gently as he handed me the beer. "It's better now, with you here. Everything is. Thanks. I thought this day was going to suck."

I settled against his chest, his hand played with my hair. I laughed a little when after the song ended, it started right up again. "You really don't like this song?"

"It's fucking better now, with you here," he whispered as he took the beer from my hands and placed it carefully to the side. His kiss was firm, insistent, and he pushed his leg between mine. His thigh rubbed between my legs, and it was suddenly hard to breath. But he pulled away too soon and handed me back my beer.

"What was that?" I asked breathlessly.

"A kiss," he said laughing and panting a little himself.

"That's not what I meant. Why aren't you kissing me now?"

"We're surrounded by three story houses with lots of windows, Bella. I'm not into that kind of shit. Not with you." His fingers traced a path from my ear, down the side of my neck, and then over one of my hardened nipples. "When we go inside, okay?"

"You're becoming a tease, you know that?"

"Half the fun is in the anticipation."

"Then I clearly haven't been doing well enough in bed," I replied with a giggle. I could feel the blush spreading over my cheeks again.

"Any better and I'd never let you leave that goddamned bed."

I took another swig of my beer, determined to finish before we went back inside. After wine with dinner, I was coming down with a nice little buzz. That would be fun, later. Without either of us talking, or otherwise distracted, I suddenly realized that there was something else besides _California Stars_ adding background noise to the evening.

"Is that _waves_?" I asked.

"Isn't Seattle surrounded by water?"

"Well, yeah," I laughed. "But you can't hear waves."

Edward shrugged his shoulders. "I've never been. I wouldn't know, I guess."

"I'll take you there, okay? And we can go out to the peninsula so you can see my house, and you could meet my dad. You can totally hear waves there."

"He'll hate me, won't he?" Edward chuckled.

"Do you fish?"

"Where would I fish? In the Delaware?"

Edward and I both laughed at that. If there was anything alive in that river, I wouldn't want to get close enough to find out.

"Well, then, umm… how do you feel about the Mariners?"

"Who?" Edward asked, completely at a loss.

"The baseball team? We've watched a game together."

"Oh, right," he sighed.

"He might hate you. At first… But my mom already loves you," I offered as consolation. Edward's smile was immediate.

"You've talked to your mom about me?"

"Once," I admitted.

"And why does she love me?"

I traced my fingertips over Edward's hand. I studied the blanket. He kissed my temple.

"I wish my mom could have met you… Even if it was back then, before she died, when you were Nessie's age. I'd settle for that."

"I would have liked that too… and to have met you, of course." I thought about the little boy Esme had described: laughing with a messy, sauce-covered face.

"What were you like then?" Edward asked.

"I wasn't like Ness. I was shy and really quiet. My mom didn't get me, at all. She's said as much since then. I was a lot more like my dad."

"I'd like to meet him, even if he fucking hates me."

I tried to picture Edward at my dad's place, with the rickety chairs and the dingy wooden cabinets in the kitchen. Would he sit in one of my dad's matching lazy-boys? Just the idea of Edward reclined in one of those green fuzzy chairs, watching the mariners and eating one of my dad's famous fried fish sandwiches made me giggle. My dad liked to drape a napkin over himself to catch the grease. Edward would die. I laughed harder.

"What's so fucking funny about me meeting your dad?"

"You'll know when you get there," I laughed.

"Then maybe I should try your mom first. Since she already loves me and shit."

"Don't let it get to your head, Edward. She liked James too."

"See, she _will_ like me. She has horrible taste in men," he muttered, looking away.

For the first time that night, sadness really set in. Edward tried to keep the mood light, he tried to smile, but it looked wrong on his face. I was instantly repentant.

"That was so fucked up. I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to make a stupid comparison like that. This night has been, like, seriously perfect. To me, you're perfect, and I don't give a crap what my parents think or don't think. Because they're not here, right now, with us. When I'm with you, you're all that matters."

"And when I'm gone?" he asked warily.

"When you're gone I want you back."

And I kissed him, sealing the deal, proving it. Edward rolled on top of me and pressed my body against the cold concrete. I shivered from the chill, from the contact, from the pleasure. I loved when he pinned his hands on either side of my face. I loved the feel of his stubble against my cheeks. I loved his lips, his tongue, the smell of him.

"You have me, Bella. Completely. I'll always come back. But what can I do to keep you? Why does it feel like I have to hold on so you don't get away?"

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward. I promise. I love you."

"You mean that?"

"Edward," I said, holding his face in my hands, making sure he met my eyes. "I love you."

"With you, Bella, I have everything on our list. With you _and_ Ness. You understand?"

I knew there was some significance to Edward's words, but after the wine and the beer, I couldn't quite remember all of the things that made up our list. I just knew that if he had everything, that it meant he was happy. That much I understood.

He was staring so intently; his green eyes reflecting the sparkling little lights hanging over our heads. I kissed him, and it was like I'd opened the floodgates. His mouth overtook mine, his hands found their way instantly under my skirt, under my shirt, and I needed him, right there, right then.

My hand fumbled for his fly, but he pulled his hips away.

"I'm taking you to bed," he mumbled. Clothing began to come off in the kitchen, then more in the dining room, and by the time we made it to the third floor we were gloriously, thankfully naked. I fell into the bed, and Edward came down with me. I could remember white sheets and bodies, sweetness, and something else, something more. There was clinging that maybe hadn't been there before. Edward clung to me, and I clung right back.

There was also safety and passion in almost equal measure, and a settling in. There was acknowledgment, and comfort, and there was joy in that. Edward held my thigh bent at the hip, so he could reach deeper inside of me, and my hips rose to meet him. He wound my hair in his fist, and his fingers rubbed against my scalp. I tried to pull him closer, deeper with my free leg, and he watched my breasts bounce, and he watched himself entering me. Watching him watching me, I came almost before we even got started. That all encompassing kind of climax that I only felt with him.

But he kept going, bringing his body closer, brushing against me, heavy. His lips whispered at my ear as he panted, my hands on his ass, daring, sliding between his cheeks, something I'd never done before.

And I came again, we came together, and we laid there, kissing, touching, and we drifted and woke, and kissed and touched some more, and drifted to sleep again. I'd been wrong earlier. It wasn't just a good birthday. It was the best birthday ever.

xXxXx

I felt cool, sleepy sunshine, and something warm against my breast, caressing. I could smell earth and salt and I noticed the crisp feel of cotton against my bare skin. I sighed with lips against the back of my neck, and the sound of deep, throaty humming. It was a song I didn't know, something sad and sweet. And then I felt something hard and hot, and I moved my hips, rocking, parting my thighs. Arms came around me, keeping me warm since the air was chilly. A warm chest was against my back, and something even warmer was between my thighs. And it slipped inside me, and I gasped, half asleep and full.

"Morning, baby," he rasped in my ear.

"Fuck," I whispered, relishing the easy back and forth, the slow and sleepy build.

This was heaven; this was the best dream ever.

Little feet mounted creaky wooden stairs. Little squeaks of old hinges needing oiling broke through soft groans.

Little whispers.

"Mama?"

Little gasps.

"Ewoord!"

"Fuck!"

I scrambled for sheets. I held them over me. I jumped to sitting. Edward was the same color as the sheets, and most definitely topless and pantless, a pillow covering his pelvis. Ness rubbed her sleepy eyes and looked between the two of us, a small smile on her face.

"You sleep'ed _here_?"

Her eyes were accusatory, as she studied the scene on my bed. I knew how much significance she placed in it.

Edward was shocked into frozen silence. I glanced around the room for something, for me, for him, but our clothes had been strewn throughout the house.

"Why you guys naked?"

"Umm…" I wrapped the sheet tighter around my body and padded over to Ness. My plan was to get her out of the bedroom so Edward could find his clothes.

"Can I be naked too?" Ness asked. "I not like these P.J.'s."

"How about we find you some clothes, then?" I pulled her out of the room and down the stairs.

"Ewoord stayed here, mama?"

"He fell asleep."

"In the big bed?"

"He didn't plan to."

"He falled asleep _naked_?" she giggled.

"Umm…" We'd made it to Nessie's room. I stood in the doorway in my bed sheet, at a complete loss for words. Ness giggled as she began pulling clothing out of closet, sneaking very obvious glances at me.

I felt a comforting kiss on my shoulder.

"I was too sleepy to drive, Little Bell. It was an accident," Edward explained. He threaded my arms through a silk bathrobe. It was short and cream colored, and a little more see through than was probably appropriate, but it was better than a sheet.

"Accidents are mistakes. You not meaned it, then?" Ness asked, scrutinizing what Edward was trying to explain.

"But I liked it," Edward whispered in my ear as he tied the robe around my waist, and I let the sheet fall to the ground. Ness giggled, and Edward kept his hands there, his chin resting on my shoulder.

"Should we make breakfast for your mom?"

"Yes!" Ness cheered.

"Let's get you dressed first, Ness," I advised.

"And Ewoord needs a shirt," she offered.

I turned around to see Edward wearing just a pair of suit pants, looking sleepy, with an irrepressible smile on his face. Personally, I liked him just the way he was, but Ness was probably right.

But before I could offer an opinion on the topless man holding me in his arms, there was a hard, frantic knock on the door. All three of us jumped.

"Shit!" Edward hissed.

"Do you think it's her?" I asked.

"I bet it's fucking Felix," he grumbled.

"I can get it, mama," Ness offered, pushing past Edward and me.

"No, baby, not this time."

"I wanna get a door!"

More hard knocks echoed up the stairwell.

"I'm getting the door. Stay here," Edward ordered Ness and I. He quickly kissed the top of my head and brushed past us.

But that felt wrong, too. It was my house. Edward had never stayed the night before, and now he was going to answer the door topless?

"Edward, no. I've got this." I eased past him on the stairs. "You take care of Ness, okay?"

But as I made my way down the rest of the stairway and across the cold wooden floor of the living room, I could hear the little patter of Nessie's feet on the stairs.

"Ness!" Edward called. I heard his footsteps as he tried to catch up with her.

The air was chilly and I felt a draft under my short little robe. I crossed my arms across my chest. My nipples were hard enough to cut glass, and I was in no mood to give Felix a show.

"This better be good, Felix," I warned as I swung the front door open.

_Oh my god._

_

* * *

_**A/N: I know, I know, don't hate me for the cliffie! I had to end it there, or the chapter would be twice as long. Answers next week, I promise. Lots of answers. Finally.**

**Thanks to my Beta, Lindz, and my pre-reader fuzzyltlwingedthing. They both put up with my insane schedule and I couldn't do this without them! And thank you for the reviews and the PM's! You guys rock and really make this worthwhile.**

**To join the TPoL conversation, here are the links:**

**http:/www . facebook . com/belladonna . cullen1**

**http:/www . twilighted . net/forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&p=1131704**

**http:/www . thefreedomfanfictionwriters . com/group/adultahautwilightfanfiction/forum/topics/the-practice-of-love**

**Until next week, xxx, M**


	25. Chapter 22

**EPOV**

"Good morning, ma'am. Are you Isabella Swan?"

At first, I was fucking furious with Felix. Why the hell hadn't he called to tell me that there were undercover cops at the fucking door?

"Mama?" Ness squeaked. "Who is it, mama?"

But I couldn't kill Felix at the moment. My anger immediately gave way to my need to take care of Little Bell. I picked Ness up in my arms and walked over to Bella.

I probably should have brought Ness back to the kitchen or upstairs, but there was no way in hell I could leave Bella half naked and alone with two of Philadelphia's fucking finest. Because next on my list of careening emotions was the need to protect her. Too many years on the street left me with a deep-seated mistrust of the Philadelphia police force.

"Excuse me?" Bella asked, hugging her arms around herself.

I wrapped my free arm protectively around her and kissed the top of her head. One of the officers coolly surveyed my bare chest, while the other couldn't seem to get his goddamned eyes off Bella's legs. Fucking dickheads. It wasn't even eight in the morning, what the fuck did they expect?

"Are you Ms. Isabella Swan?" the detective repeated impatiently.

Bella leaned her little body against mine and I held her closer. It was a cold morning and I could feel goose bumps on Bella's skin through her flimsy robe.

"Um, yeah."

"And you are?" I asked.

The cops flashed their badges.

"I'm Detective Crane, and this is Detective Davis, Philadelphia Homicide. Could we come in?"

"Edward?" Bella asked.

"Mama?"

Bella held out her hands and Ness slipped into Bella's waiting arms and clung to her, frightened and probably cold. I glared at Felix over the heads of the officers. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. He obviously had no fucking clue what was going on, and I had some serious doubts about why I was paying his ass.

"We should let them in, Edward. Don't you think?"

I stepped backwards. Bella grabbed my hand. The officer's footsteps echoed through the first floor. With each step they took inside Bella's home, I had more of an urge to swing my fist, or to shove them back out the door. Because this morning was about falling asleep and waking up with Bella in my arms. This morning was about starting over, moving fucking forward, getting the fuck over it. About promises made to a little girl to keep her still at dinner. _Fuck. _Whatever the hell this was, it was not going along with my plans.

I studied the badges of officers Crane and Davis. Philadelphia Homicide.

Fucking cops. Fucking homicide detectives. Homicide.

My next emotion: fucking dread.

I planted my feet on the ground, holding the three of us in place between the front entrance and the living room. I wouldn't be pushed into the house any further. The cops glanced around us, into the living room, observant and uncomfortable. I spotted discarded clothing on the floor. So did Ness.

"Mama, it's your panties," she hissed in Bella's ear, loud enough for everyone present to hear. Everyone looked; I balled my free hand into a fist.

"We're inside. Now, can I ask what you're doing here?"

"You are?" Donovan asked me.

"Fucking tired," was my none too helpful reply.

"Ewoord!" Nessie hissed. "Bad words."

"Excuse me," I added.

"Ms. Swan, we're here about Jacob Black. We have this listed as his residence."

"Jake?" Bella's hand gripped mine with surprising vice-like power. I squeezed her hand back, suddenly feeling like someone was standing on my chest. What had the kid done to ruin my fucking morning?

"You knew Jacob Black, then? He lived here?" Crane asked.

"Uh, until last week," she murmured, looking between the two cops.

"Do you know where he went after that, ma'am?"

"Um, no. I don't."

"Was he upset? Angry? Was he having personal issues or business trouble?"

"Listen, Ms. Swan's not going to answer another question until we know exactly what this is about."

The officers looked at one another, Donovan nodded towards Nessie. Crane shook his head dismissively and shrugged his shoulders.

"Come the fuck out with it, or I'll have to ask you to leave. We have lives to get to."

Crane gave me a casual once-over before turning his attention to Bella. "I'm sorry, ma'am, there's no easy way to say this. Jacob Black is dead. His body was retrieved from the river, yesterday. We have reason to believe there was foul play."

"No."

xXxXx

"No."

"Mama, what -"

"No. No. No."

Big brown eyes looked to me for help.

"Edward?"

"Mama?"

"No."

"Ewoord?"

Smaller eyes asked me a quiet question.

"No."

Her hands held me so tight, but at the same time, she nearly dropped her daughter. Her legs could run for fucking miles and kicked my ass every time, but she could hardly make it to the couch. I wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. Her brown eyes were flat, blank.

The assholes followed us in, because holding Bella and Ness, I wasn't in a position to kick them out. I didn't fucking know if I should.

"Ms. Swan, do you know anyone that would want to harm him?"

"No."

I wasn't sure if Bella was answering their question, or simply still in shock. "Excuse me," I started, but the officers ignored me.

"Can I ask when you saw him last?"

"Tuesday."

The questioning officer looked shocked. "Three days ago, ma'am?"

"Last week. I broke up with him last Tuesday."

Donovan looked at my chest again before he cast a knowing glance in Crane's direction. It took everything I had to sit fucking still.

"Ms. Swan, you were _romantically_ involved with Mr. Black? _Last week_?"

Crane looked at the fucking panties one more time, for good measure. I began tapping my foot on the ground. Bella shook her head, but didn't elaborate.

"Perhaps we could look through Mr. Black's personal possessions, ma'am? It could be helpful to piece together events, appointments."

"There's nothing here."

"Excuse me?"

"It's all gone. I packed it and put it in storage."

Detective Crane scribbled in his pad, Donovan stared at his hands. And suddenly, too late, I fucking remembered I was a lawyer.

"Did he say where he was going after you broke up with him?" Crane asked, his eyes still on his notebook. I noticed that the page was quickly filling with notes.

"Excuse me detectives, but Ms. Swan has just -"

"No," Bella said, interrupting. It wasn't just her voice that silenced me. Her body had sprung to attention, and she'd finally looked up and pulled herself to the edge of her seat. A small spark was back, and I was relieved at the sign of life inside.

"Where is he now? Where's Jake?"

The cops exchanged another look, Detective Crane shrugged, for fuck's sake.

"Center City, ma'am, with a medical examiner. The body's been taken in for autopsy."

Bella's hand flew over her mouth and she jumped to her feet. The blanket dropped to the couch. She ran across the dining room, into the kitchen, and sounds of her retching filled the sudden silence.

For the first time since I met her, Little Bell cowered and clutched at my waist and hid her face against my chest. I held her head of springy curls in my hand, and tried to figure out what the fuck to do. I didn't want to bring her face to face with her mom losing her shit, but it's not like we could just sit it out and let Bella fucking fall apart on her own.

No way was I leaving Nessie alone with the cops.

"Excuse me."

I chose the kitchen.

Bella was leaning on the countertop, shaking and heaving over the sink. Tears streamed down her face. She didn't look up when we walked in. Her robe had fallen open, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Mama's sick?" Ness whispered in my ear. "I'm scared, Ewoord."

"It's going to be okay, Little Bell." I hugged her and placed her on the ground at my feet.

"No. It's not," came Bella's hoarse reply.

"Mama?" Ness charged at Bella and threw her arms around her mom's thighs. Bella winced, like it hurt.

I walked over slowly, I pushed Bella's hair behind her ears, and I wrapped my arms around her and refastened her robe, letting my arms linger around her waist, hoping my body counted as comfort. These were gestures and touches I'd offered less than an hour ago, but now it felt completely different: desperate and empty.

"Are they gone?" Bella asked, staring at the bile in the sink.

"No."

"Make them go."

I'd be all too fucking happy.

Bella's chest started heaving again. "And take Ness."

"Mama!" Ness grabbed Bella's legs tighter and pressed her cheek against her belly, her eyes scrunched tight. I watched Bella's body go tense, and she held up her hands.

"Take her, Edward. Take her."

"Mama! It okay, mama," Ness anxiously assured her mom.

Bella started crying, breathing hard, big tears rolling down her pale cheeks. "Take her," she breathed, pushing me away, trying to struggle out of my grasp. "Take her, Edward." And her chest started heaving again, and she hung her head over the sink.

"Mama?"

"Come here, Little Bell," I tried.

"I want mama!"

Spit-up splashed in the sink, and the sound of Bella's sick mixed with her sobs.

"Ness," I hissed.

But she held onto her mom with a death grip.

"Take her," Bella cried after she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"No," Nessie begged.

And my chest hurt like my heart was being torn in two, and I couldn't piece together Bella's request with Nessie's fear, and it all coalesced in the overwhelming need to fucking deck the two cops in the living room. No fucking doubt they were snooping around like it was their job. Like Bella had any fucking connection with whatever the little goody-two-shoes fucking asshole did to get himself fucking killed.

Holy fuck.

The kid was fucking dead.

That's why Bella was losing her shit in the kitchen sink. That's why I wasn't playing family man and making waffles. That's why all Little Bell could do was cling to her mother. Jake fucking died and ruined my morning, and tore out Bella's guts, and he was lucky he was fucking dead already. _The asshole_!

Bella's sobs filled the kitchen, and Little Bell collapsed to the ground, sitting on the floor, her arms hanging loose around Bella's ankles.

"Baby, come with me," I tried, kneeling, luring. It worked. Little Bell let go, and she went limp in my embrace. She didn't clasp her arms around my neck, like usual. Instead she slumped, like I'd guess a baby would, and she cried quietly, looking at her mom. Her cheek was warm against my bare chest, but her feet were cold.

"Make them go. Just make them go."

Sure enough the detectives were nosey fuckers. One was studying Bella's pottery, while the other was checking out the shit on the little table by the front door.

"Bella can't talk right now."

"We understand," Donovan murmured kindly, his eyes on Little Bell, collapsed in my arms.

"After all this, you're fu-, I mean, you're _absolutely_ certain?" I hissed.

"He was found with his wallet and a weapon registered in his name. There was, excuse me sir, what was your name?

"Mr. Masen. Edward Masen." Crane scribbled another fucking note.

"Ewoord," Ness mumbled, nuzzling her head against my chest.

"Shh, Little Bell. It'll be okay," I whispered, kissing the top of her head. I was fucking lying, but I didn't know what else to say.

"Mr. Masen, uh, after all the time in the water… A positive I.D. would be helpful." Donovan's eyes moved toward the kitchen door and the sound of Bella sobbing.

"No way in fucking hell. Get someone else to I.D. him. Not Bella. You hear me?"

"His next of kin? Relatives?"

I shook my head. "I don't even know their names. He was from some tiny town out on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State... Wait, Bella's father knows them. Mr. Swan is the sheriff in Forks, Washington… Get in touch with him, and he'll know how to find the kid's family."

"Here's my card, sir," Donovan offered. "We'll be in touch."

They left me with Little Bell mumbling incoherently in my arms, and Bella mostly naked and vomiting in the kitchen sink.

xXxXx

"Esme, I need you."

xXxXx

As I rocked Little Bell and hummed her mom's song, for the first time in more years than I could count, my fingers oddly itched for my mother's piano. I understood the impulse. Staying present hurt on a level I hadn't experienced before, not even when I thought I was dying. Back then it was only me. But now, to stand here helpless watching Bella and Nessie's pain, watching everything go to shit, it made me want to fucking scream, and then maybe break a window and tear a door off a frame.

Luckily the door was still in place when Esme arrived. I saw that as evidence of how far I'd come.

"You should call Vanessa's school," Esme directed me after a quick, tearful hug. "Where's Isabella?"

Bella was in the kitchen. She hadn't wanted to be moved, and she hadn't wanted her daughter present. But Ness was quiet and immobile, and cried whenever I put her down. So, we'd paced just outside the kitchen, Bella's hymn on my lips.

I found the number for the school on Bella's cell phone while Esme thankfully joined Bella in the kitchen.

"Hi. Um, this is Vanessa Swan's, um… this is… this is Edward Masen. I'm listed as one of the um… _people _that can pick up Vanessa Swan from school."

"_Yes, sir. I see that you're listed as one of her contacts."_

"Yes, right, a contact. Well, I was calling to say that Vanessa won't be in school today."

"_Is she sick, sir?"_

"There's been a death… in the… family."

"_I'm very sorry to hear that. Please send my regards."_

xXxXx

I could hear the gentle creak of the stairs and I knew it must be Esme, but I couldn't pay her much attention. Of course, I was beyond grateful that she'd dropped everything to be here. Her compassionate yet firm energy was just what Bella needed: to get her out of the kitchen, into a shower, and finally dressed in something besides that stupid fucking robe I'd thoughtlessly picked out this morning. I guessed Bella was somehow asleep, because the house was silent except for the squeaky stairs, except for my humming and Nessie's even breaths. Ness had finally curled into a sleeping ball in my arms, but I was still rocking, and biting my lip bloody as I tried my damndest to pass on some measure of peace to the little girl.

When I finally looked up, Esme was standing on the landing with tears in her eyes.

"Edward, dear, she's asleep. Take her to bed. She could use a nap and you could use a break."

This morning had fucked with all those little things that warmed my heart and made me feel worthy: pushing the hair behind Bella's ears, tying a robe around her naked body, and now this, finally putting Little Bell to bed. From the first evening I'd spent with them, this had been Bella's domain. I'd never been in the room, I'd never tucked the blankets around her, and I'd never leaned over her bed and kissed her cheek good night.

Eventually, I'd thought. But not like this. Not with Little Bell worn out and confused and scared.

I padded up the stairs, and I carefully eased her into the little wooden bed. Little Bell rolled over and curled into a fetal position, her tiny fists tucked under her head, sighing in her sleep. She looked deceptively peaceful, and I wiped an errant tear from the corner of my eye, remembering too clearly lying alone in my bed when I was her age, the feeling of the ground falling out from under me, everything changing course with nothing left to hold onto but a bottle of fucking air.

Little Bell had more than air; she had Bella. She had me. She had me.

I tucked the covers around her, and pushed her curls from her eyes. I spotted her iPod on that slipshod bookcase of hers and I carefully placed the ear buds in her ears, and I scrolled to the song Bella told me Nessie liked to fall asleep to.

_Once more little one_

_I'll go down, stay down_

_Sleep the rest of the day_

_Dream new music to calm down_

_Stay down and keep evil away…_

I could smell coffee brewing as I made my way down the stairs. Esme was busying herself in the kitchen, cleaning the sink.

"She's down," I murmured, sinking into a chair.

"Bella's sleeping as well. Poor thing, so emotionally exhausted."

"Have you called Carlisle?"

"Of course. He's closing the practice early to come by with some medication."

"Esme, she doesn't need to be -"

"Calm down, Edward," Esme implored as she set two mugs of coffee on the table and took a seat. "Carlisle and Bella are physicians. They can judge whether she needs some form of pharmaceutical help. Think about how you might feel. She may need something to steady her nerves to get through questioning, and she was going on about Jacob's family, talking with them, about _seeing_ Jacob. She overheard the police ask about identifying the body."

"Fuck if I'll let her be the one to do that." I banged my fist on the table for emphasis, and the mugs Esme had placed there clattered, coffee sloshed.

Esme dabbed at the droplets of coffee that had landed on the wooden tabletop. "She may want to, Edward. For closure."

I cursed under my breath, irrationally jealous that Bella might want to see her ex-lover's dead body. That she would need to go through that horror out of duty and love that had nothing to do with me. My unreasonable emotions were slightly sickening, and I hung my head.

Esme took my hands. "How are you holding together, dear?"

"I don't fucking know."

"I only met him the once. But he seemed like a very nice young man."

I shook my head and I pulled my hands away. "He was _too_ nice. Do you have any idea the extent of the shit he did for her? How much he helped her over the years? How they worked together to raise that little girl?"

"Edward, Bella's despair has no bearings on her feelings for -"

"I can't hear that shit right now, Esme. It wouldn't mean a fucking thing."

"She's going to need you."

"I could kill that little fu-, that little… that little… _Fuck_!" I pounded the table with my fist again, this time leaving a large puddle of coffee in my wake. "I could kill that little fucker, Esme, for leaving and never calling and getting himself killed! All this fucking time she thought he just left, just deserted her and Nessie, and he's been fucking dead. That fucking asshole!"

"Anger is understandable."

"Anger doesn't even come close, Esme. Not even fucking close!"

To see Bella emotionally destroyed, to see Little Ness quiet and scared... And then there was my own loss. After last night, after I told her she was everything. After trying to tell her, the only way I was brave enough to, that I wanted to be a family. I'd slept here, unintentionally, but fucking wonderfully. And when Ness found us Bella didn't freak out, well, not any more than to be expected. She smiled and she let me hug her, and I'd been about to kiss her again, in front of her daughter. She was about to let me.

This morning I'd been hoping against hope that maybe she understood what I'd tried to say. Fuck if it had only been ten days, what more certainty did I need? I only needed the two of them. They were more than I'd ever hoped for.

Even in fucking death Jacob Black was getting in the way. "_Asshole_," I hissed.

"Your anger at Jacob is misdirected, Edward," Esme said, making a complete mockery of my internal dialogue as she calmly wiped up the spilled coffee. "I know you, and I'm quite certain I've always understood your motivation to practice law. So, listen to me, young man," she said sternly. She placed the dishcloth purposefully on the table and grabbed my chin to make me look at her. Her caramel eyes were laced with fierce anger. "We'll find the people who did this to Bella and Vanessa, Edward. And then we'll make absolutely certain that they pay for it. Do you understand?"

I hadn't noticed the fucking tears, until I wondered why Esme was wiping my cheek, why her hand was wet. "They're strong. They'll be okay," she murmured.

I held a hand over my eyes, and sucked on the blood from my torn up lip, crying like an ass. "To see them so hurt…" I managed, before I couldn't speak.

"They'll get better, though, Edward." Esme placed her hand over my heart. "You know they can. Don't you? You know you can get better."

I let my aunt hold me in her slender arms. It was something I'd irrationally rejected since I was a boy. But now, not only did it feel appropriate, or like the right thing to do, now I needed her. I hadn't realized how much I'd needed her to tell me that it would be all right. But she knew.

"It's going to be all right," Esme murmured. The words came twenty-five years too late, but I couldn't have gone another second without them. As a kid, I'd managed on my own, but as a weak and suddenly useless man, I hung on Esme's words.

"It's going to be all right," Esme whispered again as she rocked and I fucking cried. "It's going to be all right."

xXxXx

I was looking through a photo album while Esme busied herself making a big pot of chicken soup. I skimmed through picture after picture of Jake, Bella and Nessie. Happy. He held Ness when she was too small, with a tube in her nose and wires against her skin. He smiled at her in a way that made it clear that he loved her. Now I knew that he'd never deserted them. He'd never given them up. In the face of such undeniable love, it made me uncertain if I should even be there. Because I knew I never would have had the guts to let myself into their lives as completely as I had, if Jake had never left like he did.

He never fucking left them. Not by choice. And I couldn't even begin to contemplate what that might mean for Bella. For us.

Esme stopped to glance at the album. It was open to a picture of Jake throwing Nessie up in the air at that beach in Washington; the one Bella said was near her childhood home. Ness was shouting with obvious joy, and it looked like Bella may have been trying to get Jake to rein it in.

"Why don't you put the book away, Edward. Stop torturing yourself and help me with lunch."

But before I could respond, we were both startled by a small, high-pitched wale that pierced that tension in the air. Esme started towards the door, but I beat her to it.

"I'll get her, Esme."

"Of course," she agreed, patting me on the shoulder and turning back towards the stove.

Ness was crying to herself in her bed, kicking her little legs convulsively. She was still in the pajamas she said she'd hated this morning. The hair in the back of her head was in knots from tossing and turning in her sleep, and her face was red and puffy.

"Ewoord," she sobbed, and I didn't waste any time sliding onto the bed and taking her warm little body into my arms.

"Hey, baby, hey Little Bell… shhh, honey. Shhh."

It felt like I'd been rocking her constantly since we'd heard the news, an impulse that came from somewhere deep inside. And miraculously, it was something that Nessie's shocked system welcomed, even now. She stopped kicking, she relaxed against me, and the waling subsided to small hiccups and quiet tears.

"Mama's sick, Ewoord," she mumbled.

"She's just really sad, baby."

"Because Jake died?" Ness asked, pushing her hair from her eyes, blinking up at me.

"Yeah, Little Bell. Because he died."

I watched her thinking, formulating a question. "If he comes back, will mama be happy then?"

"It doesn't work that way, Little Bell."

Ness didn't look too deterred or too sad, just thoughtful. She hugged me and spoke against my chest. "Ewoord, your mommy died, right?"

"She did."

"Did she die forever?"

"Yes."

"What if Jake goes to a doctor, Ewoord? Mama's a doctor. Mama could get him mecidine."

"He's with a doctor now, Little Bell. But they can't make him better."

Ness scooted backwards on my lap so she could look me in the eye. I watched the way she was struggling, trying to solve the problem at hand, just like I imagined her mom would. "What if there are two Jakes? And then the other one comes. Will mama be sad if the other one comes?"

"Little Bell, when someone dies, they're gone for good."

"They go away and don't come back?" she whimpered and hid her face against my chest again, clutching my shirt.

"Jake left, and we didn't know it, but he couldn't come back. I'm sure he wanted to. Because I know he loved you very much."

"He go-ed and he a poopy head!" she yelled, punching me with her fists. "I don't care if he dead! I not like him! He maked mama sad."

I held her and rocked. It was all I knew to do, and eventually her fists fell into her lap. Nessie cried silently, her little body shuddering with grief that was too big for a four year old to bear.

"I was mad at my mommy too," I whispered, as much to myself as to the little girl in my lap.

Nessie's head shot up, her red-rimmed eyes were inquisitive. "Why?"

"Because she wanted to come back, and she said she would. But after she died, she was never there again. It took too long for me to realize that it wasn't her fault."

"Ewoord, when your mommy died, she took a l'il piece of your heart, right?"

I smiled despite the pain, remembering that night at the pizza place when Ness had guessed my feelings so much better than even I had. "She did."

"Does it hurt 'cause that l'il piece she took, did it died too? Is that why? Did a l'il piece of my mama's heart died today?"

And fuck if I wasn't crying again as I rocked the little girl. "You're right, baby girl. Your hearts both broke a little today. But you know what?"

"What," Ness sniffled, carefully watching my tears.

"I found out that they won't be broken forever. Hearts are strong and they can get fixed. Those little pieces can be alive again."

And Ness hugged me, and we sat quietly as her tears bled through my shirt, as my tears wet her curls. Long enough, still enough and sad enough that I had no idea how long Bella had been standing at the door.

Her face was tear-stained and her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was half-wet and tangled around her face. She held the doorframe like she was holding herself up.

"Bella."

She nearly collapsed onto the little bed.

"Mama," Ness breathed. And our hugs became tangled, and Bella's wet hair mixed with tears.

'Baby," Bella whispered. "Baby, are you okay?"

"No," Ness sniffled. "I not."

"Jesus, Bella, I'm sorry."

And for some time there were no words, just hands and caresses and chaste kisses on foreheads, and fingers to wipe at the tears.

"Mama's got to go somewhere," Bella eventually mumbled to Ness. "But I'll be back soon. Can you stay here with Edward?"

"What are you talking about?" I began untangling our bodies and limbs so I could look her in the eye, so I could gauge what she was saying.

"I have to make sure, Edward," she murmured, trying not to cry. It didn't exactly work and tears sprung from the corner of her eyes. She was trying to be strong, but she couldn't hide what had broken, and through the fractured light I could easily see her fear and her pain.

"Jake?"

Bella nodded and sobbed, and I grabbed her shoulders and tried to make her look at me.

"No. No fucking way. I'll go."

"I can't cry like this, I can't hurt like this, I can't do all of this without knowing for sure. And I have to call his family, and there's no way I can say those words if I'm not one hundred percent certain. I need this. The detectives need this. I have to do it."

"No."

"I've known him my entire life. It's the absolute least I can do for him, for his family. I let him die."

"No you didn't."

Bella hid her face in her hands, and Nessie crawled onto her lap in a little ball.

"I can't let you go alone," I whispered, rubbing her back, leaning her head against my chest.

"I'm not going alone. I already spoke with Carlisle. He's a doctor. He can handle it, I think. He's going to come with me."

And I almost had to laugh, because with his cool and formal nature, Carlisle was probably the only person I would imagine could handle the identification of a murder victim.

"Mama?"

"Baby?"

"Ewoord told-ed me it gets better, mama."

Bella almost smiled. And with one arm around her daughter, she leaned in and gave me a tender kiss on the lips. It was the kiss I'd missed giving her earlier this morning. But, like everything else, the kiss had changed. It was just as much about love as it was about loss, no matter how long we both held the embrace.

xXxXx

Little Bell and I watched cartoons. We ate chicken noodle soup together, and Esme looked on like it was some form of victory. Honestly, I would have eaten a raw cow for Little Bell, so I let Esme smile.

The house phone rang more than once, making us jump each time. But I couldn't bring myself to answer it. After the call to Nessie's school this morning, I had enough of trying to explain who I was in the context of Jacob Black's death. It wasn't my place, and that alone made me feel pissy and petty. After three calls I turned the ringer off, because I didn't want my petulance to come between Little Bell and myself.

And finally, after what seemed like days, there were footsteps outside, and the turn of a key in the lock. Little Bell jumped to her feet, and I quickly followed her lead.

But Bella was crying again, and she rushed passed us, up the stairs, straight for the bathroom. Carlisle followed somberly behind her, closing the door securely before nodding his head, answering the unspoken question that filled all the empty space in the room. Esme gasped and rushed to meet him, finding comfort in his arms. Upstairs, light footsteps made their way from the bathroom to the office and a door clicked shut.

"She's calling his parents," Carlisle informed us, taking a cautious look around the house. Having my uncle in Bella's home felt odd. He stood in contrast to the comfortable feel of the place, like a burr might find itself embedded in soft down. But when Carlisle's eyes fell on me, with my arm around Ness's shoulders as she watched Sponge Bob, I watched him soften, his shoulders fell, his eyes brightened, and he sat comfortably on the other side of the couch.

He was about to say something, and I actually fucking welcomed it for once, when the sound of glass shattering overhead broke through Sponge Bob and Patrick's laughter.

"What the -"

Something else shattered. Before I could think about what I was doing, I raced up the stairs and down the hall. Glass continued breaking and crunching over and over. But, aside from that, Bella hadn't uttered a sound.

My heart leapt through my throat when I threw open the door. Bella was tearing her pictures off the wall and throwing them to the ground. There were bloody scrapes on her ankles, glass was shattering over her bare feet, and she was covered in tears. So many tears.

"Bella."

First she froze. She held the picture of her and her dad and Jake fishing gingerly in her hand. Shaking her head at me, almost like she didn't know me and didn't care to, she stepped backwards onto the broken glass, wincing, and she let the framed photo fall to the ground.

"Bella. Fuck. Please."

Her legs bumped against the couch where we'd first embraced, where we'd made love. She jumped, almost like she'd touched fire. Bella scrunched her eyes closed and balled her hands into fists. "Go away," she whispered. "Just go."

Suddenly Carlisle was there, and he walked through the littered glass, he placed her on the couch, and in hushed, authoritative tones, he asked me for a broom, and a dustpan, and maybe a trash bag. And like a fucking janitor, I turned and went dutifully back down the stairs. Esme and Little Bell's eyes followed me into the kitchen, but what could I say? I didn't trust myself to open my mouth.

And I didn't know where the hell all that shit Carlisle asked for was. All I wanted was to crash through the fucking place, to throw some shit around, to break down fucking walls. To find that _other_ Jacob Black Nessie had proposed existed, and ring his fucking neck. Instead, I was quiet as I looked. Esme helped.

Back upstairs, Bella was curled on the tiny couch, sobbing, with her eyes closed. I watched her press a small pink pill between her lips. Carlisle was pulling shards of glass out of her feet with tweezers, dabbing at the cuts with gauze and some topical antibiotic shit.

I cleaned the glass. I dumped broken frames into the trash bag. I stacked scratched pictures of Bella, Jacob and Ness on the desk. Bella never looked at me.

xXxXx

For the second time in one day, I was the one to put Ness to bed. After hugging and kissing my aunt and uncle good night and seeing them out, we walked up to her room hand in hand. She still hadn't changed out of last night's pajamas, and I was pretty sure we hadn't brushed her teeth at all that day. I'd done nothing but rock her and cry and eat soup and watch T.V. I was doing a shit job.

Ness and I worked together to brush her teeth, and I waited just outside the door as she used the potty. Then, I made sure she was thorough as she washed her hands and her face. I was pretty sure she was checking to make sure I approved.

"Good job," I said when she was done, and Little Bell beamed. It was her first smile since early in the morning.

I made sure to turn on her nightlight. And I sat on the edge of her bed, and I rubbed her cheek, and I wished I'd done better, that somehow I could have protected her from all of this.

"I lo' you, Ewoord," she offered, and my chest hurt, and I blinked, less than willing to cry again. I was spent and emotionally empty, except for the painful love I felt whenever my eyes fell on Bella or Ness.

"I love you too, my Little Bell."

"Will you sleep here again tonight? Please."

"Absolutely."

"Good."

Ness rolled to her side, and tucked her hands under her head. And there was no way I could keep space between us. I folded myself in two, and somehow fit my body around hers on that little bed, and held her tight until she fell asleep.

Afterwards, I carefully pulled Nessie's door closed and turned towards the stairs, but another small sound kept me from descending. Bella was quietly sobbing, but not quiet enough that I couldn't hear her from the second floor.

"Bella." I spoke softly, letting her know I was on the other side of the door.

"No."

"Shit. Bella, please."

"No."

But 'no' wasn't enough of a deterrent. There was no way I could walk away from her, and I pushed open her bedroom door. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest, her face hidden. But she couldn't hide the shaking or the sound of her sobs. I sat down next to her and she skittered away, like she was afraid.

"I said no!"

"But Bella, you're in pain."

"No fucking shit, Edward!"

"Please, shh, quiet. I just put Ness down."

And another sob escaped from her mouth. Her hand clamped over it a second too late. "I can't do anything right," she mumbled, letting her hair fall over her face.

"Baby, baby, baby," I tried, reaching across the bed, trying to close the space that had grown between us.

"No!" she said, pulling farther away. "I didn't even think about putting her to bed."

"It's just that crap Carlisle gave you."

"Don't try to make me feel better about forgetting my own daughter."

"I don't know what I'm fucking doing, Bella. I'm trying. Just tell me what I can do to help."

"Leave," she whispered, turning away from me.

"What?" I was sure I hadn't heard her right.

"Please leave, Edward." Bella turned back towards me and stared me squarely in the eye to let me know she was serious.

"Jesus, Bella. Like this? Baby, why?"

"Why? You're asking me why you should leave when you're sitting on this bed? The bed I fucking bought with Jake, the bed I slept with him in every night until I kicked him out? Until I started dreaming of fucking you in it? I let him think things were fine, and then he asked me to marry him, and I broke his heart. I made him go. And whatever stupidity he got himself into was because of me!"

"Bella, people are shot in this city every day. This had nothing to do with you."

"And every day he spent here, he wasn't gunned down, Edward."

"Bella please," I tried reaching across the bed to touch her again, sure that with contact she would remember that what we had was right. But her hand recoiled like I was offering her a hot coal. "Bella, it's not your fau-"

"Don't you dare! What did you tell me out at the beach? Sometimes it's so horrifying that it doesn't matter. Do you have any idea what I saw today? Do you know what a week in a river and some fish can do to a person? How am I supposed to live with myself after that?"

I knew what a week in a house could do to a body, which is why I hadn't wanted her to go. And I _didn't know_ how she was supposed to go on after that. It had taken me too long to figure it out. For me, Bella was the solution. She'd taken the time to neatly write it down on paper. And little by little, Bella and her daughter had given me everything on that list.

But looking across the bed at Bella, angry and half wild with guilt and despair, I knew that for her, I wasn't enough.

"And now… now I can't remember to comfort my daughter, or to feed her, or to put her to bed! And now, I'm lying here, waking up in the same bed I slept with him in for four years, and all I can think about is how much I want you with me. I try to force myself to think about that dead person, that man that turned into a bloated and half-eaten thing, that amazing man that I was supposed to love. But, no! I think about getting you and fucking you and trying to make it all go away. It's that same impulse that made me drive him away. I pushed him out into the street to get killed. I can't even mourn him right! I'm a shit, and I'm so wrong, and it's ruining me!"

She dissolved in tears and her body shook, and the bed shivered. I didn't try reaching. Instead, I walked around the bed and I took her in my arms. She cried and collapsed against me, and I held her and rocked like I had with her daughter. It's all I knew to do. I rocked, I hummed, and eventually we crawled onto the bed and I held her as close as I could, I smothered her sadness and her guilt, hoping and praying that I could love away the pain.

I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until I woke with sunlight on my face in an empty bed. Jacob's fucking bed. The sheets were damp with sweat and tears.

I found Bella and Ness, sleeping together in Nessie's room, bathed in the warm glow of the fairy nightlight, and the small rays of sun that escaped from between the slits in the blinds.

Downstairs, I started another pot of coffee. I loaded the dishwasher. I wondered what to make for breakfast, until I found a note from Esme. There was a quiche and homemade cinnamon buns, and another pot of soup. She'd be by that evening with a stew.

If I hadn't been headed for the bathroom, I wouldn't have heard the light tapping on the front door. I opened it to find Alice, teary eyed and smiling sweetly, biting her lip. "Alice."

It was all the invitation she needed to throw her arms around me.

"How are you holding up, Big Brother?"

"I don't know, Alice."

"I gave you some space last night. I'm sure you didn't miss me and that your plans changed."

"What do you mean?"

"It was your date night. I was going to babysit. Until…"

"Shit."

"I know. I'm so sorry, for all of you," Alice said as she walked in and glanced around the empty room.

"They're still asleep," I explained.

"Good. That's good. How are they?"

"How do you think?"

She looked me over from head to toe. "You're not doing too hot, either."

"Fuck you, Alice. This isn't the time for your cutesy quips about my clothing."

"No, I'm serious. How long have you been wearing these clothes? And you kind of stink, and you haven't shaved."

"Jesus Christ, you really know the right things to fucking say."

"Edward, just listen to me. Take a break, take a shower, and knock some holes in your hotel room wall. Whatever. Just give yourself a chance to pull yourself together."

"I don't want a fucking break, Alice."

"Edward, go. You can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself."

"I don't know."

"Go. Go quick. It will do you good. I'll be here, and I know mom was planning on coming back too. They'll be fine for an hour."

xXxXx

Traffic sucked for a Saturday morning. It was closer to two hours when I ran back up the steps to Bella's home, freshly showered and shaved and feeling like shit. I was trying to figure out if Bella would have been more pissed if I'd have stayed, or that I left without saying anything. Or if she'd even think to care.

I fit my key in the lock and began to swing the door open, but someone caught it from the inside and held it in place.

"Hello?" a deep voice asked. A middle-aged man with short salt and pepper hair and a bushy moustache stepped into the space created by the half-opened door. "Can I help you?"

"Uh, I'm… uh, excuse me. I was looking for Bella?"

"It's Ewoord!" Little Bell cheered from somewhere in the house. I heard her little feet running towards the door. "Grandpa, it's Ewoord. He not my daddy, yet. But he sleeped in the big bed with mama and he said he liked it."

* * *

**A/N: I'll be hiding and biting my nails, waiting to hear what you all think. A shout out to leechlover81... she totally saw the foreshadowing about nothing being alive in the river. Nice reading!**

**A thank you to Lindz and fuzzyltlwingedthing for beta'ing/pre-reading. And a thanks to all my fb friends for listening to me whine about this chapter. Thanks for the support, ladies!**

**I was just interviewed over at Twilight FanFic Addicts. I've included the link in case you're dying to know more about me, TPoL, or who I would KFM: Mike, James, Caius...: **

**http:/twilightffaddicts . blogspot . com/2010/10/interview-with-belladonnacullen . html**

**Finally, thanks so much for all of the reviews, all of the PM's, all of the support! It makes this worthwhile. M**


	26. Chapter 23

**BPOV**

I was a little surprised to open my eyes and find myself lying with Ness in her bed, but I was more surprised to turn over and see my dad perched on the edge of the mattress. I wasn't sure how he'd gotten into my house, but it didn't matter when he took me up in his arms.

"Daddy?"

"Baby girl."

Coming from my dad, those were the two best words in the whole world, and I let myself go gladly limp in his strong, flannel-covered arms.

Nessie yawned next to me and sleepily opened her eyes. "Grandpa?"

"How's my grandbaby?" my dad asked, peeking at Ness over my head.

"Jake died, grandpa."

I gasped and my heart started beating wildly. Hearing those straightforward words uttered so matter-of-factly made it real all over again: Jake was dead. Yesterday's events flashed through my brain in a disjointed and random pattern… vomiting in the kitchen sink, the shower with Esme, the detectives staring at my panties on the floor, endless tears in Carlisle's new-smelling car, the bright morning sunshine as I woke up with Edward… _Edward_. My breath caught in my throat. Where was Edward?

I looked around, but there was only my father and his glassy, gray-green eyes. They were comforting and familiar, so different from Edward's… gold-rimmed and glowing.

"_Edward_?" I breathed.

"What's that, honey?" My dad's voice was rough, like his vocal chords had turned to sandpaper. I noticed he was trying not to cry, something I'd never seen before.

"I got here as soon as I could, Bells," he rasped.

Watching my dad struggle with his emotions, I felt guilty all over again for thinking about Edward while Jake was dead, when his body was full of gunshots and missing pieces. My eyes watered, my stomach lurched and I tried to hold my mouth closed, to hold in the sob. But all I managed was to strangle the sound in my throat; frightening Ness and making her jump away from me and cower. My dad reached for her reassuringly, while his other arm held me that much tighter.

"Mama's sad and sick, grandpa," Ness whispered with tears in her eyes.

I felt my dad's chest spasming. I heard him sniffling.

"Daddy, you didn't have to-"

"Shh, I don't even want to hear it, honey. Of course I did," he whispered in that new gravely voice of his. "But you should have called, baby… to hear it from the detectives at work... And then I called the house here, but there wasn't any answer."

I didn't remember the phone ringing. I remembered Edward holding Nessie in his arms as the two talked quietly about healing, as they both cried on her bed. I remembered the fleeting feeling of comfort as I held them both, as we all consoled one another. And I remembered Jake: his blue and white and green skin, his missing eyes and eyelids. I pressed my hands over my mouth, trying to smother the nausea, wondering if I'd ever be able to eat again.

"It's real nice of your friend Alice to watch out for you two. She seems like a good kid."

"_Alice?"_

_Alice was here? Where was Edward? _

I'd left him in my bed earlier this morning after crying myself to sleep in his arms. Last night, he hadn't said a single word as I pressed my body against his and sobbed uncontrollably. He just held me so tight, and he wrapped himself around me. Enclosed in the safety of his limbs, my head tucked against his chest, I'd been so selfish. Instead of doing what was right, I'd hid my pain in Edward's embrace.

Now, sitting with Ness and my dad in the light of day, I saw how weak I'd been. I'd run roughshod over Jake's memory, forgetting him in Edward's arms. Even now, I couldn't make the right choice, because I kept hoping Edward would walk through Nessie's bedroom door. I started crying again, but this time for my actions, and the grave implications of what I'd done.

Edward had lost his job, I might loose my medical license, and Jake had lost his life.

"Mama," Ness crooned, wiping away a tear. "It's gonna get better, mama. It's gonna get all better. I promise. Okay?"

I only cried harder, trying not to consider that I might loose my little girl too.

xXxXx

I leaned my forehead against the smooth shower tiles. The water wasn't easing the pain or the sickness, and it wasn't filling the emptiness inside. It pelted my skin relentlessly, waking up grief-stricken nerve endings. And with each pass of my soapy hands over my breasts and between my legs, I thought of Edward.

I still didn't know where he was, and I hadn't been strong enough to ask.

I'd made a quick appearance downstairs, and Alice had run to me crying, and threw her arms around my neck. I couldn't even mutter Edward's name to ask where he'd gone. Instead, Alice and I shared one another's tears, and wiped one another's faces, and it almost made me feel better, for a minute.

But after that minute was over, I stood there feeling too vulnerable, as all eyes fell on me, as mouths hung open with words unspoken, uncertain about what to say. I wanted to crawl under the table and cry, and Alice, sensing my unease, proposed that they warm up the breakfast Esme had left.

"Take your time, Bella. Take a shower, get dressed. We've got it under control down here."

My eyes teared for the millionth time in twenty-four hours. "Thanks, Alice."

Now naked, unobserved and alone, my mind was free to wonder where Edward had disappeared to, and my body demanded his return. I'd told Edward to go, and apparently, he'd listened. I should have been relieved. But instead of taking advantage of the space he'd given me and making practical plans: about Jake's body, or his murder investigation, or my medical license, or the meeting I'd missed with my lawyer about James - instead my hands pretended to be Edward's hands. Instead, shame engulfed me in equal proportion to my arousal.

I told myself that I deserved to disappear for just a minute or two. For my own sanity I needed to escape from the knowledge that I'd been unkind, insensitive and emotionally disabled. I wanted to forget that I'd hated Jake and disowned him for a week, all while he was already dead.

I pressed my forehead harder against the wall, I pressed my fingers against my clit, circling, teasing, pretending they were larger and they came with green eyes and a heart of pure gold. That they came with a man I could hardly bear to let go. But every time I imagined Edward gazing down at me, I saw my own guilt reflected in his imaginary eyes: all of the steps I'd taken to bring my life down in ruins.

The guilt bore down on me from the four walls of the bathroom, until I felt like I was choking, and I had to turn the water to cold to clear the air and to hammer away the desire. I leaned against the tiles for support, panting, unsatisfied, and cold. It was how I was supposed to feel, I reasoned.

After my shower, the house felt different. I could hear Nessie running and giggling, and I was glad that my dad and Alice were able to make her so happy. My dad's voice boomed, so deep and authoritative. He sounded confident and in charge, and I was relieved after all the quiet sadness he'd been steeped in this morning. It almost sounded like he was lecturing someone. Alice? And why did Ness find that funny?

The answer came with the smooth, melodic notes of another voice. It was a voice that made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck, that made my bare arms tingle, that made my heart surge into my throat so that breathing was momentarily impossible. It was a voice I felt everywhere, and I found myself dressing faster and checking over myself in the mirror.

Honestly, I looked like shit; my eyes were red and puffy, my skin was blotchy and my hair was in knots. But I needed to get downstairs, and I could hardly be bothered with making myself presentable. It was Edward. He didn't go. Edward. He didn't listen; he was back.

I ran down the stairs, along the second floor landing with my body humming, and mentally shouting with joy.

I paused at the bottom of the first flight of stairs to see Nessie in Edward's arms. Edward was biting his bottom lip, looking like the most mouthwateringly beautiful, most embarrassed man in the world. He was trying to meet my dad's angry glare, and trying not to smile when he glanced at Ness. And then he turned his eyes on me, questioning and worried, and I watched a sigh escape from between his lips.

"Edward."

"Hey."

"Bella?" my dad loudly admonished.

"Oh." I jumped.

With my dad's one-word censure, my body shut down. One look at his sad and angry features, searching for some explanation from me, and I was a little girl all over again. Like the time he found out about the skinny-dipping with the boys from school, except this time someone was dead.

All of those little worries about what my dad might think when I broke up with Jake exploded into something large enough to fill the house. I _had_ broken up with Jake a little less than two weeks ago, and I'd already made Edward an integral part of my life, and now Jake was blue and bloated on a silver metal tray. My father's disappointment was palpable. He'd thought so much more of me.

My dad looked between Edward and I, and I watched him clench his jaw and ball his hands into fists.

"Daddy, um… this is Alice's cousin, Edward."

I watched Edward blink and look away. My introduction hurt him, and it only added to my guilt.

"Alice's cousin, huh?"

"Edward really held things together yesterday," Alice added as she turned her back to me. I wasn't making any friends. And oddly, neither was Alice. The information she'd offered appeared to cause my dad physical pain, and it only made Edward more uncomfortable.

My dad looked back to me for some sort of explanation. So did Edward. I wanted to go to Edward, to take him in my arms and thank him for yesterday, to ask him to take me back to bed, and to hold it all away again. I wanted my dad to be okay with that. But, instead, it felt like there was a chasm growing between Edward and I that was impossible to cross.

"You wanna see what me an' Ewoord made for mama's birthday, grandpa?" Ness asked, filling the awkward silence.

Ness wriggled and kicked and Edward reluctantly placed her on the floor. Without my daughter in his arms, he seemed to shrink into himself and he didn't know what to do with his hands. He tried looking at me, but I couldn't engage, and instead, he stared at the floor.

"See! Look! It like the one mama made when I was a baby."

Ness very carefully carried the little piece of clay in two hands, walking slowly and smiling big. After a painstaking walk across the floor, Ness eased the handprint into my dad's awkwardly outstretched palm. "I decarated it, an' Ewoord bought-ed the squishy stuff, and the paint. An' we talked, an' we have a secret agree-mit."

By this point in her monologue, Ness was beaming at Edward and giving him a thumbs up, while he tried to inconspicuously smile back. I knew Ness was referring to the bribe Edward made to make sure she behaved on my birthday. Amazingly, Ness didn't spill the beans about the details - even now that she had an audience. Instead, she charged at Edward, and gave his thighs an enormous hug, her chubby cheek pressed against his… crotch.

"Vanessa," my dad hissed, and Nessie giggled and turned to look at him. "Come over here, baby doll."

"It's okay. I'm gonna stay with Ewoord, grandpa."

My dad looked even more flustered as he fidgeted with the handprint in his palm. I felt Edward's eyes boring into the side of my head. I was supposed to do something. So, I did something: I started to cry. A big tear, silent sobs, covering my face with my hands. Everything was off balance. Ness loved Edward too much, my dad hated him too much, and I couldn't seem to move from the spot I was standing on. I wanted Edward, but Jake was dead, and it was all a mess.

Only Alice made a move, hugging me, shushing me, patting my messy hair.

"Should I -" Edward started, and my dad cleared his throat, silencing him. "I just think that -"

"I don't know if you should -"

The phone rang, putting an end to whatever the hell was almost being said.

"You want me to answer that, Bella?" Alice asked in a hushed voice.

"No, I got it," I croaked, glad to have something to distract my attention. "Hello?" My voice sounded small and uncertain, like I'd never used a phone before.

"_Ms. Swan? Detective Donovan here. How are you this morning?"_

I laughed bitterly. "Uh, you really want to know?"

"_I'm sorry for your loss, Ms. Swan. I know it must have come as a shock. And we appreciate your help in identifying Mr. Black's body yesterday. But we have unfinished business, and unanswered questions, and every day that passes is another day Mr. Black's killer has to get away. We need you to come in, today, if possible."_

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"_When can you be here?"_

"Soon, I think."

"_How about noon? That will give Detective Crane a chance to get his ass over here."_

"Noon. Umm, I think that's o -"

"_Wonderful, we'll see you then."_

xXxXx

We sat in the dining room, uncomfortable and silent. Well, all except for Ness who was bouncing in her seat, looking between her grandpa and Edward, like it was her lucky day. She chattered on about my birthday dinner, and how Edward took her to school, and about our vacation at the shore with The Cullens. My dad bore it all with something like horrified stoicism, and gave me a look that let me know we would be talking about this later.

The chasm between Edward and I was now solidified by a heavy wooden table, topped with uneaten breakfast and mugs of coffee. I stared at my hands, counting down the minutes until noon, when I could leave. I was uneasily tugged between guilt and love, sadness and desire, all under the watchful eyes of my dad.

"It's important to try to remember anything that could help the detectives, Bells," my dad offered.

"Right," I agreed.

"Of course, you must know, Bella," Edward started, and all eyes shifted in his direction. It was the most he'd said since I came downstairs earlier. "That it's important to have an attorney present."

"An attorney. Right," Alice agreed. "Bella's attorney. We should call her."

But Edward shook his head. "Actually, I was thinking that maybe I should -"

"Edward, you've got to see that would be a bad idea," Alice interrupted.

"What am I missing?" my dad asked.

"Edward's a lawyer," Alice explained.

"Bella doesn't need a lawyer. She hasn't done anything wrong," my dad practically growled.

My eyes locked with Edward's and we silently acknowledged that _he_ was what I'd done wrong. And, staring at him like that, I wanted to do it again, and again… And sitting at a table with my dad and my daughter, while thinking about sex with Edward, unbidden, my mind careened to the memory of Jake's blue and gray bloated body, his missing eyes and ears and lips, the way he'd smelled…

I jumped up from the chair and rushed upstairs.

"Mama's still sick again?" I heard Nessie asking. "Is it because of Jake?"

Small hands held back my hair as I spilled my guts into the toilet, losing the little bit of breakfast I'd been able to choke down. "Hey, there, Bella, it's okay," Alice murmured. "It's okay."

"How come everyone keeps saying that, when it's not?"

"I don't know," Alice replied, offering me a hand towel and a small hug. "I guess, I just mean that people love you and want so badly to help. Your dad flew all the way from Washington, and Edward hasn't been able to leave for more than a couple hours. I had to make him. Can you imagine how your dad would have reacted if Edward answered the door this morning, all smelly and rumpled with a two day old beard?"

"I don't know if it could be worse than this."

"Bella, I get it, you're mourning. But don't discount how much both of those men love you."

"Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't know what to do."

"Well, I think Edward's right about the lawyer. It would be foolish to let cops question you alone."

"That's not what I meant."

One look at Alice and I could see that she knew exactly what I was talking about. "Please don't break him, Bella. We just got him back."

xXxXx

"Thanks for coming in today, Ms. Swan."

I glanced quickly around the little room with dirty blue walls. Aminah squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. "You sure you don't want a cup of coffee?"

My stomach churned at the mere thought.

"No, thanks. And of course. I mean, not about the coffee. About helping. Anything I can do. I still can't believe that he's…" I swallowed my words; unable to say out loud that Jake was dead. I quickly wiped at my eyes and took a seat in a cold, uncomfortable chair. Aminah settled herself next to me.

"Right, well, let's get to it, then. You mentioned to us that the last time you saw Mr. Black was last Tuesday?"

I nodded.

"Exactly what time was that, Ms. Swan? And where?"

"Um, he met me at that gazebo by the Art Museum. The one on that hill by the river. It was around sunset."

"Was anyone else with you?"

"Um, the limo driver was watching us."

"You have a limo driver?" Donovan smirked like he was mildly amused.

"Jake sent a limo to pick me up. He, uh, proposed to me that night."

Crane frantically scribbled in his pad, and Donovan cleared his throat.

"Do I understand you correctly then? You ended your romantic relationship with Mr. Black, instead of accepting his marriage proposal?"

"Yeah, but what does this have to do with -"

"We'll need the name of that limo driver," Crane interrupted without looking up from his writing.

"Isn't that the kind of thing detectives are supposed to figure out?"

"Bella," Aminah murmured, placing a calm hand over mine. I made a mental note to try to stay composed. We were just getting warmed up. The meaningful questions would eventually come.

"Well, I don't have any idea what his name was. But, I'm pretty sure Paul knew about the proposal. He might know which company it was, at least. You could get in touch with him. He's Jake's boss. I mean, he _was_ Jake's boss." Crane offered me a page out of his notebook and I wrote out the name, address and phone number of Paul's Tire and Auto.

"Where did you go after Mr. Black left you at the gazebo?"

"A fundraiser at 16th and JFK. It was for a non-profit. The PLA. They help homeless kids."

Aminah cast an inquisitive eye in my direction.

"And there were witnesses that could place you there?"

"Of course. A whole room full of them." But my insides quailed thinking about what those witnesses might say. Would they mention my wrinkled dress and messy hair? Did it even matter? It might have been improper, but it wasn't a crime.

"What about after the fundraiser, Ms. Swan?"

"I went home kind of early. I wanted to talk to Jake about everything, and I figured that's where he would be. But he'd already picked up some of his stuff, and he told the babysitter he wouldn't be back for a couple of days."

"The babysitter saw Mr. Black after he left you? And she saw you after you returned from your party?"

"It wasn't exactly a party, but isn't that what I just said?" I quickly gave them Leah's contact information, but I was getting fed up with their questions. It was like they were soap opera detectives with no interest in actually tracking down Jake's killer.

"Listen detectives, I thought I was here to help. Where I was and what I was doing after breaking up with Jake might be oddly interesting to you two, but it has nothing to do with whoever may have shot him."

Crane didn't even glance up from the pad where he was scribbling away. The incessant writing suddenly struck me as odd. In most cop shows, they recorded this kind of stuff. But then, the idea that they were recording me made me nervous. I checked in with Aminah and she nodded encouragingly.

"So you have a theory?" Donovan asked, looking amused.

"Well, no. Not exactly a theory, more of an educated hunch. My ex-husband recently moved to Trenton from Seattle, and he just filed for joint custody."

"And you think that killing Mr. Black would further his custody case?"

"No… I don't know. It's just that, well, Jake hated James, and the feeling was mutual. James always thought I'd cheated on him with Jake."

"Did you, Ms. Swan?"

"No! And I don't see how that's any of your business."

"I see."

I chose to ignore the fact that Donovan didn't apologize. "And James' sister, Victoria, seemed to be following me around for a while this summer. She'd show up outside my work, and at the shore. I filed a police report about it."

"And Victoria hated Jake too?" Donovan asked.

"I don't think they ever met."

"Right."

Detective Donovan looked like he was doing me a big favor by taking James and Victoria's information.

"Oh, and one more thing," I added.

"Another lead?" Donovan's voice was brimming with sarcasm.

"This blue car with Washington plates has been driving by my house and stopping sometimes. It's owned by some sixty year-old guy named Stanley O'Mara."

"And did Mr. Black know Mr. O'Mara?"

"I don't think so. Not that I know of."

"You got that, Crane? _O'Mara_."

"Yeah, yeah… Sure. _O'Mara_." Crane repeated.

"Any more theories for us, Ms. Swan?"

"I just feel certain that all of this is connected. It's the only thing I can think of outside of some random shooting. But if it was Jake's own gun, then a random shooting doesn't really make any sense. None of it makes any sense. I didn't even know Jake _owned_ a gun."

The officers perked up with that little bit of information. "You weren't aware of its purchase?"

"Actually, when I'm over the sadness and the nausea, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be pissed that Jake had a gun in the house and didn't tell me."

"Huh. Well, we have a couple more questions if you and your attorney don't mind."

I checked in with Aminah and she nodded.

"We've gone over the last time you saw Mr. Black. What about the next day? Wednesday?"

"I was at work."

"Wednesday evening?"

"I was home."

"Can anyone corroborate those claims?"

"Those _claims_? They're not just claims. Everyone saw me at work, and Leah was there when I came home. She left right after that to go to class."

"Were you alone with your daughter after she left?"

"Umm… no. Uh, Edward came over."

"That would be Edward Masen?"

Aminah flashed me a warning look and grabbed my knee under the table, making me jump in my seat. The two cops shifted excitedly. "Well, uh, yeah. I don't know any other Edwards."

"Would you say the days and nights since have followed a similar pattern? Work, and then home with Mr. Masen?"

"Uh…" I glanced at Aminah for support. She looked shocked and frankly pissed, like she wanted to hear my answer for herself. "Well, mostly, yes. But he never stayed over though, until, _wow_, that was just yesterday morning. It seems like such a long time ago."

"And you were seeing Mr. Masen before you ended your relationship with Mr. Black?"

"No! Not exactly."

Except for the sound of detective Crane's pen scratching on paper, the room was silent.

"Listen, this doesn't have anything to do with finding Jake's killer. I broke up with Jake and I moved on. _I _didn't kill him," I nearly laughed.

"Detectives," Aminah finally interjected. "My client came here today voluntarily, to aid in your investigation, not to be bullied with innuendo. Unless you have any other practical information to garner, then I think Ms. Swan has been more than helpful. If you have any further questions, I'm sure you won't mind going through me."

"Seriously, guys, please check into James. I've been freaked out ever since I heard he moved here. He has a record, a violent past. Please, I don't want anyone else hurt."

"Yeah, sure. We'll check on him. Trenton, right? Jersey?"

Crane whistled and sighed, like a visit to Jersey was right up there with climbing Mt. Everest, instead of a three-minute car ride over a bridge.

"Yeah, Trenton," I agreed. "I already gave you the address."

"Great. We'll look into it, Ms. Swan. Tell Mr. Masen that he can expect our call."

"Uh, yeah, right. Right after you look up James? One of the _likely killers_."

"Ms. Swan, it's our job as detectives to ferret out likely killers. Go home to your daughter. We'll take it from here."

xXxXx

I was pissed as hell as I stomped out of police headquarters, and I made sure to slam the door behind me. My anger was almost an acceptable relief after all of the pain and nausea and guilt I'd been drowning in. _Almost._ I would have welcomed the anger, except it meant that the cops weren't focusing on the most obvious suspects.

As it turns out, I wasn't the only one that was angry after my interview.

"Get in the car, Isabella," Aminah hissed as she held the passenger door open for me. Her tone of voice took me by surprise.

"What the hell just happened in there?" she asked as she threw herself into the driver's side.

"I know, right? I gave them some obvious leads, and they acted like it was all a big joke!"

"That's not at all what I meant."

Aminah's big brown eyes locked with mine and I was suddenly unable to look away. It must have been a lawyer thing, because Edward had that same ability. I also immediately knew exactly what she was referring to.

"You mean Edward, don't you?"

"You're damn right I do! Why am I just hearing about this now? In a police interrogation?"

"I… I don't know. I guess I didn't know what to say when you and I met. I hoped that maybe you knew, or you were just too polite too -"

"Polite? When have I seemed _polite_ to you? I would never in a million years dream that Edward Masen would get with one of his clients. I just figured he was too much of a prick for _your_ polite ass."

"He's not a prick," I lightly protested.

"Says the woman currently fucking him every night. Now Bella, you seem like an intelligent woman. You're a physician, as far as I know. I hear medical school is hard. Is it?"

"Well, yeah."

"So you're smart, but it's just all book smarts, huh?"

"Excuse me?"

"Bella, you are in a custody battle with your ex-husband, and you broke up with your live-in boyfriend because you're fucking your attorney? Do you _want_ to win this case?"

"This _case_? Aminah, it's my daughter we're talking about."

"Exactly, Isabella. This _was_ about your daughter. But you see, after all that shit in there, now it's also about you. I'm no criminal attorney. I came out of courtesy, but lady, you need yourself a criminal lawyer, _now_. The first thing they teach those cops when they're going to school, whatever the hell school it is that teaches them about detecting, is to follow the trail of money and sex. Tell me about your ex-boyfriend's money?"

"He didn't have any, really."

"Then they're going to follow the sex."

"Oh my god! Why didn't you stop me?"

"Because they already knew. _I _was the one in the dark."

"But none of it makes any sense, Aminah. Why would I kill Jake _after_ breaking up with him?"

"I don't know… Let's see… you two were arguing, he took out his gun, you wrestled it away from him…"

"Anyone that knows either of us knows that's a stupid idea."

"I get it, Bella. You're innocent. We can let them turn their wheels, but they won't be able to pin Mr. Black's death on you. But then we get to _my _job. How is this criminal investigation going to look in family court, coupled with your current _indiscretions_?"

A shiver worked is way down my spine as I began putting all of the pieces together. "Not to mention that I might be losing my medical license," I whispered, pressing my hand over my eyes.

"Excuse me?" Aminah demanded.

"Edward was a patient at the medical practice where I work. The state ethics board requested his file a couple days ago."

I snuck a glance at Aminah. She was leaning against her car seat with her eyes closed, taking slow, deep breaths. But her fingers gave her away. Her long nails were nervously tapping against the steering wheel in a frenzied rhythm.

"Listen to me, please. We have got to stop this train wreck before it's too late, do you hear me?"

"I'm listening."

"You've been thinking with your pussy, Isabella. It's been known to happy to brilliant women, so I'm going to try not to fault you. But it's time to pull your life together, before you're left without a job and without a _daughter_. Do you understand what I'm telling you to do?"

"But, Aminah, I love him."

"And after two weeks? Okay, sure, I hear you. Well, with all that love, would you say that you are ready to exchange vows with this man?"

"Vows? Like a wedding? No!"

"Then I think you understand what has to happen here."

A small part of my mind knew that what Aminah was saying made sense. Some part of me had always known that the timing wasn't right, that it was all too destructive and too good to be true.

"And frankly, I'm appalled by Mr. Masen's conduct. I have half a mind to report him to the bar. If he cared about your case, about your daughter at all, then he should never have -"

"Stop it! It wasn't his fault. He tried to stop it every step of the way. It's just that -"

"Just that _you_ pursued _him_?"

"I fell in love with him. It's different."

"Not in the eyes of the law. Listen to me, Isabella. If you want me to be able to defend your sorry ass, then you need to do your part. I need to know everything about your relationship with Mr. Masen, immediately. No more surprises.

"You and I will put together a statement for the police to make sure they have all the information they need to go after your ex-husband. Maybe it will work in our favor. Maybe Mr. Hunter will be under arrest at the time of the custody hearing, and we won't have to worry about any of the bullshit that happened in there today. Maybe.

"We also need a strongly worded letter from your boss, letting the court know, in no uncertain terms, that you are indispensable to him.

"And I need you to stop putting you and your daughter in jeopardy. Your daughter needs a permanent babysitter. She needs stability, and she needs documented face time with you. You make it your mission to take care of her, right now. It's been eleven days, girl, don't tell me you couldn't have found a babysitter instead of dicking around with Masen."

"Aminah…"

"I may be harsh, but I only speak the truth, and that's how I win cases. As far as Mr. Masen goes, I think you know what needs to happen."

xXxXx

I was completely shaken when I got back home, and for the first time in twenty-four hours, it had nothing to do with Jake. I had to break up with Edward, and I felt numb inside at the prospect of his loss. Just when I thought that maybe I could have everything I never knew I wanted, when I thought I could feel that happy, that fulfilled… It took Jake's death to show me that I'd been wrong. Edward had never been available to become part of my life. I'd never been available to him.

I had to start taking care of my daughter and myself. The fact that I walked into the house to find Edward and Nessie dancing to _Carby_, their first song, didn't have any bearing on that fact. The fact that Nessie laughed and fell into Edward's arms when the song was over couldn't sway me. I'd let her get that close, and it was simply more evidence of what I'd done wrong.

Edward easily took me into his free arm, kissing my forehead. "You look like you've seen a ghost. Was it that awful?" he asked, his lips making their way from my forehead to my cheek, to the corner of my mouth.

"You okay, mama?"

Nessie wrapped her arms around my neck, and the three of us hugged and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. We'd been so close.

My dad wandered in from the kitchen, drying his hands on a dishtowel. Edward immediately let me go.

"How'd it go, baby girl?" he asked, trying his best to ignore Edward. "They have any leads?"

"I don't think they'd tell me if they did."

My dad scrunched up his forehead like he didn't understand what I'd just said, but I wasn't going to spell it out. My actions had even interfered with Jake's murder investigation. There was almost no end to the ways I'd screwed things up by falling for Edward.

"Dad, do you think you could take Nessie for a few minutes?"

"But I wanna dance more with Ewoord, mama!"

"Ness, grandpa came all the way from Forks to see you, and I need to talk to Edward. Please, baby. Listen to me and don't give me a hard time. Please? Please go with your grandpa?" I think Ness figured out that I was about ten seconds away from completely losing my shit. She'd seen it enough over the past day and a half.

"Okay, mama," she quickly agreed, plopping herself down on the ground, taking my dad's hand. "I lo' you, mama."

The concerned look on her face nearly tore my heart to bits. I grabbed Edward's hand and led him outside.

As soon as the door closed behind us, Edward's hands cupped my face and his lips found mine. I felt the way his body naturally relaxed when we touched, the glimmer of a smile on his lips as we kissed. My body responded too, and I hated it. It was betraying me, and I had to work hard to keep myself strong.

"Edward?"

"Baby, I'm so sorry. It was awful, wasn't it? I should have fucking been there."

"No, that's not it."

His head was still bent so close to mine, his eyes searching. He looked like he was about to say something, but he bit his lip instead and pushed my hair behind my ear.

"You look better today," he finally murmured. "I've been so worried."

"They hardly listened, Edward. They were more interested in me and you than James or Victoria or that stupid blue car."

"We didn't do anything wrong, Bella. They'll move on when they realize that. Fucking cops. They're all a bunch of assholes. I won't let them bother you anymore, okay, baby?"

"When they came, the morning after my birthday…"

"It was almost so different, wasn't it?" Edward asked as he interlaced his fingers with mine, as he very gently pressed my body against the bricks.

I nodded and tears began running down my face. I'd just barely gotten a glimpse of what it would be like to have a real family of my own. Edward wiped at my tears with his thumb, he kissed my cheek, the corner of my eye.

"Bella, standing in Nessie's room, holding you, waking up to your body against mine, fucking oversleeping… it was the best morning I've ever had. I was going to make blueberry waffles. And I thought we could walk Ness to school again."

"I really like blueberry waffles."

I let my brain hold on to the image of breakfast and walking to school as Edward kissed me again. I let him claim my mouth one more time; I let him knot his hands in my hair. I let his body push me, his growing erection rub against me.

Edward was smiling when he finally pulled away. "I knew your dad was going to fucking hate me, but this," he said, nodding towards the front door.

"Edward, I can't do this right now."

"I don't think he can hear us, Bella. But if you don't want to talk about your dad, I get it."

"I'm sorry. That's not what I meant."

I stared at him, so handsome and vulnerable. He'd taken care of me yesterday, and I knew he always would. I couldn't let myself think that this wasn't fair. I had to think about the things Aminah said. This was what clearly had to happen. Edward would have known it too, if his mind wasn't so clouded by… sex? Lust? No, he loved me. I knew he did. And I loved him right back.

"I love you, Edward. But sometimes, like now, sometimes that's not enough."

Edward shook his head. He looked confused. "What're you talking about?"

"I have to concentrate on Ness. On keeping her, and on keeping my job."

"Your job? What the hell did Carlisle -"

"No, no, it's not Carlisle. The medical ethics board asked for your file. It could be the beginning of an investigation. After you, your job, well, I figure it probably is."

"Jesus Christ! When were you going to tell me?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"Fuck!" Edward punched the wall. "Shit!" He shook his hand; his knuckles were bleeding.

"And I have to bury Jake. I have to confront his whole family. I can't do that with you there. They don't even know that Jake and I broke up."

"I understand. I could stay here with Ness if you wanted."

"No, Edward, I'm not being clear. This has to end. To keep my license, to keep my daughter, to keep myself out of a murder investigation."

"Bella, what's done is done. You can't change anything by pushing me away. What about Ness? She just lost Jake."

"Ness and I will figure it out. I've been doing her a disservice, parading fake daddies into and out of her life. It's not fair to her. It was fucked up of me to let you two get so close in the first place."

Edward took a quick step back and sucked in his breath like I'd hit him. "But, I'm not…"

"You're not _what_, Edward? You're not a pretend dad? You told me you didn't want kids. I've been a single mom for four years, but I've never acted like it. It's time for me to stop pretending. Stop leaning on other people."

"You're taking my words out of context. When I said that, that's not what I… _fuck_, Bella. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I didn't know there was another way to take that statement."

"I never wanted a child, not until I knew how completely I could fall in love."

"And that's where I was wrong. Letting that happen twice in four years. Showing her that you need to fall in love with some guy to be a family. Letting her love Jake and you, when I'm not willing to commit."

"You're not willing?"

"I didn't commit to Jake for four years, and now he's dead."

"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Bella. Not when I'm so close to having you and Ness. Fine, don't commit, but I'll wait."

"Jake waited too."

Edward finally turned his back to me and my body slumped against the brick wall of my house. "What are you saying, Bella?"

"I'm saying that I have to really think this through. And I can't think with you around, Edward. I just end up doing whatever feels right. You felt right."

"Do you have any idea how long it's been since anything has felt right in my fucking world? You're my once in a lifetime, Bella. You and Vanessa are more than I thought I'd ever deserve."

"Maybe, before, you just didn't see yourself clearly. Maybe now that you know you can have this, you'll actually see all those other people you could be with. You can go out and make a family of your own."

"You can't be fucking serious."

"I have to go bury Jake. I'm so sorry."

"I said I'd never be fucking sorry. I meant it."

And that was it; I'd torn out what was left of my heart. My life was empty, except for Ness. But that's the way it had always been, I'd just never admitted it. I saw, though, that I couldn't move one man out and seamlessly move another in. No matter how amazing he was, no matter that he was Edward.

Edward turned to face me, his eyes red and glassy. "Let me talk to Little Bell. Please?"

"Yeah, of course."

xXxXx

"Ness, I made a promise. I'm keeping my end of the deal. I'm still going to try."

"I hate you! I hate you so much!"

Ness ran up the stairs as fast as her little legs could carry her. Edward didn't look at me as he strode through the living room and out the door.

xXxXx

My dad found me out back in the dark. He searched for the light switch, and when he flipped it, all of those hundreds of twinkling lights Edward strung shimmered to life. I cringed and hugged myself, like the lights might sting.

"Huh. A little over the top, don't you think?" my dad asked as he sat next to me on top of the little wooden picnic table, studying the lights over his head.

"I guess," I offered, looking away.

"How are you, baby girl?"

"I don't know," I nearly whispered. I wasn't lying. Ever since Edward left, it was like I'd been numb. I'd cried all the tears I could. I'd gone through a long list of emotions. Now, I felt nothing.

"It seems like you haven't been completely above board, Bells, and now things have blown up in your face. I can't tell you how much it hurts me to see you go through this."

"I've been a shit to everyone, daddy. To Jake, to Edward, and even to Ness."

"You weren't a… _piece of crap_, baby. You just weren't honest. I haven't heard the half of what was going on with you and Alice's cousin and I can't say that I want to. But I can tell you straight, that it wasn't an honest way to begin a relationship with a man."

"It doesn't change how either of us felt, though."

"Feelings and morals are two very different things. I thought I raised you better, pumpkin."

"I didn't cheat on Jake… really. I tried to break up with him first."

"Bells."

"Yeah, I know. But I really wanted it to be right. I love him, daddy. I love Alice's cousin."

"And so does my grandbaby."

I finally faced my dad and he smiled sadly back at me. "All things considered, Alice's cousin seems like a very nice young man."

"Now they both hate me. Ness and _Alice's cousin_."

"You'd have to do a lot more than that, pumpkin, to make either of them hate you."

xXxXx

_I was getting drenched despite my rain jacket and my big boots. But I didn't know anything else. Fog rolled in off the coast, and the gray of the sky blended with the darker gray of the water, making the horizon almost invisible. "You're going to get yourself killed one of these days, Jake," I shouted into the gusty wind._

"_Not me, Bells," Jake laughed, pulling up the zipper on his wet suit. "Haven't you heard? I've got native blood in these veins. I'm part of the land. I'm gonna live forever."_

"_You're always going to be a piece of this land. But that doesn't mean you can't die."_

_Jake took off running for the rough surf. "You wanna see me prove it?" His deep voice was almost lost to the boom of the waves._

"_Don't you dare do anything stupid out there, Jacob Black!" Even at sixteen, I seemed to have some authority over him. Jake stopped in his tracks and turned back to look at me as I stood on a pile of oversized driftwood logs. His smile was unabashed. _

"_Nice! Bella Swan doesn't want me to die."_

xXxXx

My dreams were the only place where it was safe to show emotion. In my dreams I told Edward how much I loved him. In my dreams I let him have free reign over my body, and in my dreams he brought me to climax again and again. And in my dreams I cried rivers over Jake's death. I hugged Nessie and laughed with her. We had that blueberry pancake breakfast Edward talked about each night.

And every morning I woke dry-eyed, and empty, and nauseous. Day followed hollow day, and nothing touched me emotionally except Ness and my dad.

Ness cried at the drop of a hat, she threw tantrums about everything, and she started having night terrors. The first time it happened, it scared me to death. I'd been dreaming about Edward again, and it ended with him being shot dead in my arms. I'd just been jolted out of sleep, sweating and panicked, when Nessie's shrill cry pierced the night air. I ran down to her room to find her still half-sleeping, her eyes rolled up in the back of her head, screaming, "I not want you to die! I hate you! I hate you!"

I'd read about night terrors. I'd counseled parents on what to do when it happened, but it didn't make the next half hour any easier as I tried to calm Ness down and get her back to sleep. It quickly became a twice-nightly ritual.

During the daytime Ness played with my dad. It was nice to watch them bond. They loved each other dearly, but with three thousand miles between them, there was never enough time. My dad was a quick study about tea parties, and princesses, and even clothing design, as Ness showed him some of her creations that she'd made with Alice.

When he wasn't with Ness, my dad spent his time working to get Jake's body released so we could take it back to his family in La Push. He went down to headquarters each day wearing his badge, shaking hands, and faxing documents back and forth to Washington. Finally, with a notarized letter, an official stamp and clearance from the coroner, they agreed to let Jake go just eight days after he was found.

I found a sitter, just like I was supposed to. Miss Beverly, as she wanted to be called, was quick and efficient and had twenty-years experience in the childcare field. Ness wasn't willing to commit to anyone these days, but she accepted Miss Beverly's presence. And after explaining about Jake's sudden death, Miss Beverly doted on Ness and gave her the room that she needed to emotionally heal.

Rosalie began calling. According to her messages, she felt awful about everything. And maybe I was making it up, but she sounded kind of smug too. Anyway, as far as I was concerned, it was too little too late. Not to mention that I was angry and jealous, because apparently she'd been right all along. Falling into a relationship with Edward had never been the right thing to do. But I wasn't going to tell her that. So, her phone calls went unanswered.

Felix stayed and watched, and every time I left the house I was tempted to ask about Edward. I never did. Stanley O'Mara's blue car never came back, to my knowledge. I never saw Victoria. I didn't hear from James. But Aminah called to say that a custody hearing with James was scheduled for two weeks out.

The nights turned chilly, and the mornings were downright frigid. We left for the airport early Friday morning in order to make sure everything was squared away with transporting Jake's body. After half-waking three separate times with night terrors, Ness was still tired, yawning and dragging her feet. I struggled down the steps, holding my luggage and Nessie's, and trying to make sure she didn't wander into the road as my dad hailed a cab.

"Uh, Bella?"

"Felix!"

I hadn't actually seen him outside of his car since that first day Edward hired him, back on Cape May.

"Yeah, it's me. And, uh, I've got something for you." Felix held out a small blue insulated bag with a handle.

"What's this?"

"Got me. But he wanted you to wait until you boarded to open it."

"Oh!"

I pressed one hand over my mouth, while the other shook as I reached for the bag. All I could think about when my hand closed around the vinyl handle was that Edward had touched it too. And that he'd thought of me.

"Did _he_ say anything else?"

"No. Not exactly. He's just…"

"Just what?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say that he misses you, a lot."

"Bells!" my dad called. "Cab's here, baby girl. We've got to go."

"Thanks, Felix."

xXxXx

Ness was in the seat next to the window, curled into a ball under an airplane blanket. My dad was seated on the aisle, his head thrown back, snoring for all he was worth. I leaned over and pulled the bag out from underneath the seat in front of me, and slid it onto my lap. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I could actually see its uneven rhythm through my lightweight sweater. I hadn't been eating enough and I'd lost some weight.

I waited for the tingling in my limbs to die down, and I waited for my heart rate and breathing to right itself, but after five minutes it hadn't happened. I closed my eyes and unzipped the bag. The first thing my hand closed over was a small piece of paper.

Joy:

**Indulgent food, in moderation**

Airplane food sucks, and I make phenomenal sushi. I just never got the chance to prove it.

And underneath the letter I found a carefully packed glass container next to a freezer pack, full of mouthwateringly beautiful rolls of sushi.

**Music, to auditory tolerance**

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I left last week. It brings to mind too many songs. But take these three: The first one, because it's ours. Because you've always made me feel unsure of myself and desperate, and because after everything, I still lay awake at night knowing that I need you next to me. The second one, because I want you to know that I'll be with you every step of the way as you face Jacob's family and friends. I'll always be with you, whether you want me there or not. And the third song, there are no words to explain it. There are just notes, and they are you.

I rifled around the little box, and found a little silver iPod. My hands shook as I popped the ear buds into my ears and hit play. The first song was the one Edward sent me on his phone, that night we'd first had sex. I'd never heard the second song before, but as I listened to the words, I wasn't able to hold back the tears.

And the last piece of music had no name, but I recognized it immediately. A piano played the last notes I'd heard before everything changed, a melody that was hummed as I'd almost slept… and I was back there with sunshine and white sheets and warm arms. Heaven. I closed my eyes and heard his murmured words of love and felt his hot breath on the back of my neck. When it was over, I pressed play again before picking up his note.

**Family, as needed**

Despite everything, it was an honor to meet your father, to see how much he loves you. I can rest easier knowing you're in good hands. Please kiss Little Bell for me. I was never trying to be her pretend father.

**Comfortable and durable footwear**

You left these running shoes at the shore house. I know you said you liked to run on the beach near your home. Where you'll be able to hear the waves. Someday, I'd still like to be there with you.

**Sleep**

Carlisle said you hadn't picked up this prescription. Please take it, just in case you need some help, baby. I know it's going to be a hard week.

**Letting go**

It's too soon to let go of all of this shit and I understand that you need space. Fuck knows I needed about fifteen years worth. But please, Bella, I know it might be too late, but please don't let go of me.

E

Tears streamed down my face as I read everything over again. And as I turned the little card over in my hands, I smiled when I saw more handwriting on the back.

**Procreation (or the practice thereof), always using proper precautions**

I didn't forget anything from our list, but I didn't want to be too presumptuous, either. I'm still not interested in anyone else, B. Just you and me, okay? I'll be waiting for you when you're ready.

* * *

**A/N: I'm cringing again, waiting for the wave of Bella hating to roll in. **

**And while I wait, I want to thank everyone that left a review after last week's emotional chapter. I'm almost caught up with replies. Thanks to Lindz and fuzzyltlwingedthing for beta'ing and pre-reading, and virtually holding my hair out of my face while I lost my shit. And thanks to my fb gals for listening and leaving supportive comments when I thought I just couldn't do it anymore.**

**I didn't win The Glosp Award, and truly never had a chance in hell. But I'm kind of blown away that I received any votes at all against some of the other fics that were nominated. Thank You! And a huge thank you to whoever nominated Little Bell for an Avant Garde Award. I'll let you all know when voting starts. I'd totally love that little girl to win.**

**Oh, song references. The first song is _Can You Tell_ by Ra Ra Riot. The second song: _You Are Not Alone_ by Jeff Tweety and Mavis Staples. This is special, because JT is in Wilco, and E hates Wilco, but listened to this song with B in mind. The last piece of music: well, the infamous lullaby, I suppose. **

**I'll be hiding my head, waiting for your reviews. Until next week, xxx, M**


	27. Chapter 24

**EPOV (This chapter begins after the break-up with Bella, and overlaps with the last chapter, Chapter 23)**

"You two! Out, now! This is between me and Tanya!"

The three women froze after I barged into their office, and they made no move to follow my orders.

"Fucking hell! I have no fucking patience today! Kate, Irina. Out. Now!" My voice sounded too loud, even to my own ears.

Irina and Katie exchanged a look before defiantly staring me down. It was Tanya that got them to fucking budge. She narrowed her eyes and nodded to them in the direction of the door. After a tense second or two, they each squeezed one of her hands before reluctantly walking past me to leave us alone.

"We'll be right outside, T," Kate assured her sister, giving me her best scowl before pulling the door shut.

Tanya tried to appear calm. She tried to smile, but it spread over her face like a sneer. "It's been a while, Edward. You're looking… _,_ I've seen you look better, I'll just put it like that."

"Listen to me, Tanya Denali. You can do whatever the fuck you want to try to get back at me. Christ knows I've had it coming. You can try to ruin my foundation; you can get me fucking fired. Fine. But interfering with Bella's job… that is un-fucking-acceptable. Do you _fucking_ hear me? You lift another finger to fuck with Bella or Vanessa again, and you'll fucking live to regret it. Do you fucking understand?"

Tanya took a step backwards and collided with her desk. "Excuse me?"

"I think I've made myself very fucking clear."

"Bella and Vanessa?" she asked.

"Good, you were listening. Leave them the fuck alone."

"Yeah, I was listening. It's hard not to with you screaming in my face. Now, who the hell are Bella and Vanessa?" Tanya demanded, folding her hands across her chest and leaning back against her desk.

I'd be tempted to think she was playing dumb, but Tanya didn't do that kind of shit. She avoided anything that might paint her as less than intelligent. So, it wasn't her. She hadn't reported Bella.

"You're fucking serious? You didn't do it?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she replied, brushing at imaginary lint on her sleeve.

"Fuck!"

Before I could think, my fist collided with the wall next to Tanya's head. Tanya jumped and tried to slip farther away from me, and I felt instantly guilty. I may have been a prick, but I didn't intimidate women. But when Bella told me about her license, I'd immediately assumed Tanya had gone after both of our jobs. I'd been so sure. But instead, I'd just made an unnecessary ass of myself.

"Wait," Tanya asked, studying my face. "Do you mean that doctor Katie told me you fucked at the fundraiser? Dr. Isa_bella_ Swan, right? _ Bella_? Are you still fucking her, or something?"

"That's none of your business anymore. Fucking … just forget I was even here."

"Does this _Bella_ know you're also fucking some chick named Vanessa? If not, I'd be more than happy to fill her in."

That was too much. I backed Tanya up against the wall. "You don't get to say her name, do you hear me?"

Tanya's lavender eyes went wide and it took everything I had not to knock her head against the fucking wall. I never dreamed I'd hear Vanessa's name coming from Tanya's mouth, let alone associated with the crap she was currently spewing. But I held back. Tanya may have crapped all over me, but she didn't report Bella, she didn't know what the fuck she was saying about Vanessa, and she wasn't the real reason I was beside myself with rage.

Having my world pulled out from underneath me - that's what did it. I could have fucking endured any of Tanya and Laurent's shit, as long as I had Bella and Ness. But now, I didn't. And Tanya was an easy target for my misplaced anger.

I mean… _fuck_, to see those tears spring into that little girl's eyes, to have her yell at me and tell me that she hated me, to have Bella tell me that I should move on… I'd thought the promise I made the Little Bell was so close to reality, so reasonable, something that we all fucking wanted.

Tanya must have seen the sappy turn in my mood. She squared her shoulders and pushed her hand against my chest. I had no fucking desire to have her hands anywhere on my body, and I backed the fuck down.

"That's enough, Edward. Get out of here now or we're calling the cops," Tanya said coolly, nodding at someone behind me. I heard the click of the door and the clacking of two sets of heels. I stepped away from Tanya and she smoothed out her skirt, trying to collect herself, like it had just been another day at the office.

"Just stay the fuck out of my life, T. I've had enough. I'm not doing this shit anymore. And leave the rest of my family the fuck alone. They haven't done shit."

"You're the one that came here today," Tanya reminded me. "And your family? Since when do you give a shit about anyone except Alice? You two: always so close, and Alice always single. If I didn't know better…"

"That's enough, Tanya."

"It_ is_ enough. I'm done with your sorry, dysfunctional ass."

"Thank the fucking lord," I hissed. I pushed past Irina and Kate, who were both staring at me like I'd just bitten the head off a fucking bat or some shit.

"See, I told you he had a temper," Tanya said behind me.

"What was that all about?" I heard Katie ask.

"The idiot's fucking two chicks at once, and he thinks _I _was to blame for something."

"You're so much better off without him, T. Just sit back and watch him self-destruct."

Irina's words stopped me just outside the office door. I _was_ acting like a fucking maniac. I could say that I'd come there to defend Bella, but the truth was that I was hurt and angry and I was lashing out. So what if Tanya had been the one to report Bella? Was a trip to her office going to change anything? All I'd fucking done was alert Tanya to Bella's fucking existence, and fuck knows Bella didn't need any more trouble.

It was irrational shit like this that would only serve to hurt me, and to hurt Bella. I didn't want to pull a fucking Jacob Black and loose my shit now. Bella may have pushed me away, but I wasn't going to fuck things up in the meantime. I was pretty sure that would fucking kill Bella, whether or not she wanted me in her life.

And I couldn't stand to have her hurt any more than she already was. The idea of adding to her pain made me almost ill. I needed her well, I needed her heart to mend, I needed her back.

To be honest, I couldn't imagine a future without her and her kid. I fucking wanted that more than anything I'd ever wanted before: more than order, more than control, more than my acceptance letter to Penn, more than any of the cases I'd ever taken to trial. Just listing all the shit I used to think was important showed me how depressing and useless my life had been before her. Bella and Little Bell were the first worthwhile things I'd _almost_ had in my life since my mother died, and I wouldn't let them slip through my fingers.

I was supposed to be fucking smart (although you wouldn't know it lately), so I just had to use my brain. I had to stop punching walls. I had to stop lashing out at crazy-ass ex-girlfriends. I had to figure out how to make this shitty situation right.

For a month, all I'd been thinking about was Bella. I'd filled my fucked up life with her and her kid. And while I felt better with them than I ever had before, we'd both ignored the biggest issue at hand: Bella needed to keep Little Bell away from her ex at all costs. I fucking knew that. I was a family law attorney, for fuck's sake. After the shit I'd pulled, well, honestly, I should have fucking been disbarred. Fuck if I wouldn't go and report my own sorry ass.

If I wanted the responsibility that came with having Bella and Vanessa in my life, then I had to fucking take it. I had to stop acting like a hormonal teenager. I had to make sure Bella could keep custody of Vanessa. That meant trying to make sure she kept her license, and she needed to be cleared of any suspicion in Jacob's murder. And it meant that she needed to stay the fuck away from me. _For now_. I fucking hoped it was just for now. I couldn't think about the alternative.

I had calls to make. I'd have to meet with Jenks, Felix and Alec. We needed a cohesive plan. But before I could start pulling shit together on my end, my phone buzzed in my hand. My first thought was Bella, and my heart jumped into my throat. But it simply stuck there uncomfortably when I saw that it wasn't her.

I swallowed and did my best to sound like a man. "Masen here."

"_Mr. Masen, this is Detective Donovan. We met, uh… the other morning."_

I suppressed the urge to growl at the asshole that had given Bella a hard time during questioning. "Yeah, I fucking remember your sorry ass."

Donovan chose to ignore my snide remark._ "I was wondering if you had time to come in and answer a few questions."_

"When?"

"_Now?"_

"Give me an hour."

xXxXx

I picked up copies of the files on James, Victoria and Stanley O'Mara from Alice's house and made it to the third district headquarters in just under an hour. I didn't bring an attorney. I _was _a fucking attorney. And don't give me any of that shit about a fool representing himself. Laurent was my lawyer, and there was no way in fucking hell I was going to call him in on this. It would probably take all of twelve fucking minutes for the entire Denali clan to get wind of this shit.

"Mr. Masen, thanks for being so accommodating," Detective Donovan said with a stiff smile, holding out his hand like I might shake it. Not a fucking chance in hell.

"Let's make this quick, Detective. I have business to get to."

Donovan quickly maneuvered his hand to gesture towards a metal chair. "Have a seat then, Mr. Masen."

Detective Crane was already seated across the table, his legs crossed on the desktop like it was his own personal ottoman. He skipped the fake ass pleasantries and nodded absently in my direction. At least his greeting was more genuine.

"We'll get right to it, then," Donovan started in. "About your relationship with Ms. Swan…"

"Yeah, about that, you're on the wrong track. I brought you the files my P.I. prepared about James and Victoria Hunter, as well as everything we could find on Stanley O'Mara."

Crane actually chuckled. "O'Mara," he scoffed under his breath. It looked like he was doodling on his pad instead of taking notes.

"Do I have to remind you that this is a fucking murder investigation, detective? I don't think there's anything funny about this shit," I said, leaning over the desk in Crane's direction.

"We agree, Mr. Masen," Donovan was quick to reply. "Which is why we need to ask you some very serious questions."

"I'll make a deal with you. For every question you ask me, I get to ask you one."

"I'm under no obligation to answer your questions, Mr. Masen."

"Neither am I, detective," I reminded him with a smirk. I shrugged and pushed the three accordion files across the desk. Donovan and Crane looked at one another, Crane shook his head dismissively, but Donovan seemed to make up his mind on his own.

"Fine, Mr. Masen," Donovan agreed. "But I start. What was the nature of your relationship with Ms. Swan prior to Mr. Black's disappearance."

"I was her attorney."

This seemed to surprise both detectives. Crane actually put his pad down and looked at me first the first time since I'd entered the room. I couldn't help thinking that they were incompetent assholes; if Bella and I were suspects, they should have known details about our relationship by now. Donovan opened his mouth to follow-up his question, but I held up my hand.

"It's my turn detective. Were you aware that Ms. Swan's ex-husband, James Hunter, was both mentally and physically abusive and served six months in prison for domestic battery?"

Again, Donovan looked surprised. "I wasn't, Mr. Masen. But that has no bearing on the case at hand."

"No fucking bearing? Are you fucking retarded?" Before I knew it, I was out of my seat, looming over the fucking detectives.

"Sit down, Mr. Masen. Touch a hair on either of our heads and we'll have you locked up for assaulting an officer. And for the record, my nephew is developmentally disabled. Don't fucking use that offensive language in my presence again, unless you want to really piss me off."

_Shit._ I scowled, but shut my mouth and took a seat. I wasn't going to be able to make them go after James Hunter by force.

"After that outburst, I'd say you lost your next turn at a question. Now, Mr. Masen, when did your relationship with Ms. Swan change from a professional one to romantic?"

I thought back to the very first time I met Bella, back in her office when I thought I was dying. I'd wanted her from the moment I saw her, but I didn't dream that she would ever be anything to me except a doctor.

When did our relationship change? Maybe when I'd held Bella's hand in my office, when I found it absolutely necessary to protect her and her daughter, even if it cost me my ethics. Or when I'd held her as she cried about James, or when I'd picked her up for lunch and licked fake fucking cheese off of her finger, or when I saw her in a bikini at the beach, or when she rested her feet on my knees on the porch of the beach house… Or was it with our first kiss, which left me breathless and feeling out of control, and left her naked and pinned against a shower wall?

No, from the time I left Carlisle's office after that first doctor's visit, when I stared at my phone and wanted nothing but to hear her voice, when I Googled her and gazed at her pretty ass picture on my laptop… We'd never had a professional relationship. And now I was beginning to see that it had been mutual. She'd wanted to help me then as much as I wanted to help her now. She'd gone out of her way for me over and over again, so early on. She gave me hope when I had none, and she made me feel normal and fucking happy when I hadn't felt that way in fucking ages.

"Mr. Masen?"

"Right. Things only changed between us after she broke up with Mr. Black."

I stared Donovan in the eye. It was a lie I could easily live with.

"And since you forfeited your next question, Mr. Masen, let me ask you to be a little more specific. We know that Ms. Swan attended your fundraiser the same evening that she ended things with Mr. Black. When exactly did your relationship with Ms. Swan turn, um, _romantic_?"

"That evening. Now, it's my turn detectives," I continued, not giving them time to process the information I'd offered. "Are you aware that Ms. Hunter is a known felon with a warrant out for her arrest?"

"Mr. Masen, I'm sure you understand that we don't have a single piece of evidence to link Mr. or Ms. Hunter to Mr. Black's murder. And let me save you another question; don't even get started on that farmer, Stanley O'Mara, from Central Washington."

"I understand your lack of evidence, Detective Donovan, which is why I brought you everything I had on the three of them. Please, take a minute and try to see it from my point of view. I happen to know that neither myself, nor Ms. Swan, is in any way connected to Mr. Black's murder. That makes it easier for me to make the mental leap to other suspects than it does for you."

"So you're here to enlighten us? To help us make, what did you call it, 'mental leaps'?""

"I'm here to do my best to protect Ms. Swan. She's been through enough in the last two weeks to last two lifetimes. And speaking of Ms. Swan, she repeatedly tried to contact Mr. Black after he went missing. Why would she call a man she knew was dead?"

"I don't think it's your turn to ask a question, Mr. Masen."

"And I don't give a fuck, Detective Donovan. Why would she call a man she knew was already dead?"

"To cover her tracks," Crane offered with a shrug, without looking up from his notepad.

"She's not a criminal mastermind. She's a physician, and a mother, and she's got a bigger heart than all three of us put together. So you better fucking cast a wider net, detectives. You're missing the mark on this one."

"You're aware that you two are your only alibis for most of the evenings after Mr. Black disappeared."

"That's not true."

"You can't mean the kid."

"Bella was effectively stalked by Ms. Hunter. I had a P.I. stationed outside her house days before Mr. Black disappeared. Felix can verify our comings and goings."

"Your _employee_?" Crane scoffed.

"He'll tell you everything you need to know."

"We'll see about that. How can I get in touch with this private eye?" Donovan asked.

I scribbled Felix's information on the piece of paper Crane offered me. "The morning you showed up at Ms. Swan's door… you fucking changed our lives for good. Check with Felix. Do whatever you have to in order to get us off your list. But do it quickly, because things are spiraling out of control, here. It's time to catch the real criminals. I've done nothing wrong and neither has Ms. Swan."

We'd done nothing wrong but fall in love and make bad judgment calls. Nothing but doing everything out of order and lose everything while we tried so hard to hold on to one another. We'd lost enough. This was ending with or without the help of the fucking police.

xXxXx

"Felix. The police are going to call you."

"_Fuck, is it about that speeding ticket? You said you were going to pay it."_

"Tell them everything you can remember about the past two weeks: about Jacob, Bella, me, the blue car. Bring photos, notes, whatever you have."

"_Shit, Edward! The fucking police? You know the kind of guys I work for when I'm not doing you favors, right?"_

"You're not on trial here, Felix."

"_But, shit… it's not going to look good with my associates."_

"Damn it to fucking hell, Felix! The cops are being assholes. They suspect Bella and I of killing her ex-boyfriend. Get your ass down to headquarters and fucking clear this up!"

"_That's fucking retarded."_

"Well, of course it is. They're cops. You fucking took the words right out of my mouth. Just don't say that to the detectives unless you want them to go ape shit on your ass."

"_Fuck, someone's beeping in. It must be them. No one has this number."_

"Do this for us, Felix?"

"_For us?"_ he half-laughed. "_Sure, Edward. You had me at 'for us'."_

xXxXx

I arranged to meet Jenks, Felix and Felix's partner Alec later that night at Seth's place for the simple fucking reason that we couldn't all fit into my hotel room. I had to do something about that shit. I couldn't live in a hotel room forever. But now wasn't the time. Now, I couldn't fucking rest until I did the cops' fucking work for them. While they dicked around and wasted time figuring out that Bella and I weren't involved in Jacob's murder, I'd be the one to get a jump on James and Victoria.

Philly Veg-Steak was punk rock through and through: from the concert posters, to the pierced and tatted wait staff, to the music blaring over the stereo system. Everything on the menu was vegan, and most everything was organic. On summer weekends, they had a line out the door.

Seth was smiling as always when I walked into the café. He didn't usually work weekends anymore, but I had a feeling he was making a special appearance just for my sorry ass. "Yo, Edward! You give me an award and then you disappear off the face of the earth. Where have you been, my man?"

"I don't fucking know, Seth. South Philly, I guess."

"South Philly? Shit, you've been with the cheese steak girl, haven't you? You've got that same look in your eyes."

"Not now, Seth."

"Dude, it was priceless the way she slapped you across the face that night. Fucking better than getting an award. I would have shown up just for that."

"That's enough."

"It sure looked like you, uh, _made up_ later though," he laughed.

"Seth!"

Seth just shook his head and busied himself with wiping the counter. "Dude, anyway, I cleared the back room for you. What's with those gumbas you've got meeting you back there? You joining the mob or something?"

"Fuck, Seth, you ask too many question, you know that?"

But Seth didn't seem to hear me. He was gazing at something over my shoulder, trying to play it cool and keep that ever-present smile on his face under wraps. But it wasn't working. He ran his hand through his buzz cut and shifted his weight from foot to foot.

"Mr. Masen?"

At first I didn't recognize the little chick in the worn Chucks Taylors, skinny jeans and black hoodie. But as I studied the blonde hair and took in the over-eager look in her eyes, things quickly snapped into place. "Lauren? Jesus, I didn't recognize you."

"I know. It's just been like a week, but it seems like it's been forever! The guy they reassigned me to is such a jerk. Well, I mean, not like… it's not that he pushes me to do better, like you did. He's different."

"He's a scumbag," Seth growled, suddenly acting all wolf-like or some shit. He practically ran around to the customer side of the counter and stood besides me, his hands in his jean pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"You're with this fuck up?" I asked her, almost laughing.

"Shut your mouth, Edward," Seth mumbled, alternating between looking at the steel toes of his boots and sneaking glances at Lauren.

"Have you found another job yet, Mr. Masen?"

"To be fucking honest, I haven't even sent out resumes. It's not a priority at the moment."

"Oh, okay." She looked fucking crestfallen.

"Why?"

"I was just kind of hoping, well, this attorney's a real jerk, Mr. Masen. But with the economy, there aren't a lot of jobs out there, you know? I was kind of hoping that maybe you needed… an _assistant_?"

"You're asking me for a job? The attorney they have you with must be a Nazi or some shit."

"No, you ended up being decent, I guess," Lauren said, smiling more at Seth than at me.

"Listen, I'll let you know Lauren. I can probably get your number from this scumbag here, right?" I asked, hanging my arm over Seth's shoulders, punching him playfully in the gut.

"Yeah, definitely. He has my number." She batted her eyes at Seth. "It was nice seeing you, Mr. Masen."

"And Jesus Christ, Lauren, call me Edward."

xXxXx

I couldn't help smirking when I walked into the back room of Seth's place. Felix and Jenks were staring each other down suspiciously, while Felix's partner Alec was grimacing as he tried to choke down a vegan cheese steak. Jenks would shudder whenever another chorus of shouty hardcore lyrics blasted over the speakers.

"Edward!" he called, eagerly leaping out of his seat when he saw me. "Glad you're here."

"Yeah, Jenks, thanks for coming."

"Why not your office like usual?"

"I don't fucking have an office at the moment."

Jenks was about to ask the next, very obvious question, but Felix interrupted him.

"I gave the fucking cops everything, Edward. Don't know what they'll do with it, though. It was like I ruined their weekend. Now I'm pretty sure they're looking at the times after you left Bella's. I told them to check your hotel's security cameras and your key card. I hope that was cool. There's no chance that…"

"I didn't fucking kill Jacob, Felix. Neither did Bella. That's why we're fucking here. If we can pin this on James or his sister, we can save Bella from going through hell in family court."

"They're idiots if they can't see you two didn't do it," Felix sighed, tugging at his unwieldy beard.

Jenks shrugged his shoulders. "Well, the detectives' theory makes sense, if you think about it."

"I thought Edward brought you and your cheap suit here to help," Alec said, placing his cheese steak on his plate.

"I'm just saying that Edward and Ms. Swan are the most obvious suspects," Jenks continued, glancing nervously between Alec and Felix. "You don't go chasing zebras when the horse is in the stall."

"What the hell does that mean?" Felix asked.

"Edward's the horse," Jenks explained rather obtusely. Felix nodded his head, but I was pretty sure he didn't have a clue what Jenks was getting at.

"Fucking horse or not, I'm making it my job to lead their noses to water. There are a few missing, potential pieces of evidence that could help the poor bastards with their job. If I'm right, there are two people behind this shit."

"Victoria and the lady in the blue car?" Felix guessed.

"You mean James and Victoria Hunter, right?" Jenks asked.

"Okay, fucking fine. I don't fucking know if there are two or three people involved in Jacob's murder, but I'd bet that all three of those fuckers are connected. Victoria disappeared from our radar at the same time Jake did, and that's when the chick in the blue car started showing up."

"What kind of evidence are we talking?" Alec asked.

"Number one: Jake's truck."

"There are millions of cars in this city, Edward," Jenks cautioned.

"But there are only eighty-two thousand in Trenton. We check with impound lots, we scour James' neighborhood, and check the waterfront since the body washed up on the river."

"He could have been shot here in Philly, though."

"We don't have a chance in hell finding that truck if he abandoned it in Philly," I explained. "It would have been in a chop shop a week and a half ago. If we find it in Trenton, that creates one piece of evidence that will lead the cops in the right direction."

"I'm on it, Edward," Alec offered, making another attempt at the cheese steak before giving up in disgust.

"What else?" Felix asked.

"Jacob's phone. The cops had no fucking clue that Bella called Jake after he left. So I'm guessing his phone wasn't on him. Otherwise they would have tracked down phone records."

"Jesus, Edward. A car is hard enough, there's no fucking way we're finding the phone. It's probably at the bottom of the river," Felix offered with a sorry ass shake of his head.

"I don't want you to find the phone. Jenks, I want you to tell me you can access his calls."

"A cell phone? With an unknown carrier? Edward, I don't think -"

"Bella uses AT&T. I'd bet they had a family plan or some shit." I tried not to cringe with thoughts of a family plan. I tried not to get crushed under the idea that they'd been one happy family until I came along and shot it to shit. But I fucking channeled those emotions into the case at hand. I didn't need to wallow if I could do something to help, not if I could fix the fucking problem.

"I don't know, Edward."

"I want you to tell me that you can do this," I practically growled at Jenks. He slid backwards on his seat as I stared him down.

"I can do this," he repeated obediently.

"Thank you. I appreciate it. Now, last but not least, there was a ring."

"A ring?" all three asked in unison.

"Jacob proposed with Bella's grandmother's ring. While Bella was with the cops yesterday, Charlie mentioned that the ring was probably lost. He told me all about it in excruciating detail. The detectives said Jacob was found with a wallet and a gun. I feel like it's still out there."

"Christ, Edward, that shit is hopeless," Felix whined.

"Maybe. But, we need to check pawnshops up in Trenton, just to make sure. See what we can find. Alec, can you add ring detail to your hunt for the truck?"

"Yeah, pawnshops. No problem."

"One way or another, I'm nailing James Hunter's ass to the wall. Jenks, can we get another one of your men on him, too? I want to know if the fucker jay walks, if he illegally parks, or if he dumps another body in the river."

Jenks nodded and took notes.

"And what the fuck am I supposed to do?" Felix asked.

"Just what you've been doing. You watch Bella and Vanessa for me and make sure they're okay, all right? And, um, I want you to call me each night and fill me in."

I felt my eyes tearing and I tried to look away as I inconspicuously wiped at them. Felix went to pat me on the shoulder but I shrugged him away. The contact would have been too much.

"Sure thing, buddy. Every night. Got it. What about you? What's your job?"

I'd been avoiding that question. I'd stake out Bella's house in a fucking heartbeat. But I was pretty sure that when she asked me to leave, she didn't mean that I should hang out across the street and watch her. Yet, I couldn't bear the idea of spending all my time in Trenton, while Bella and Little Bell were forty miles away, very possibly in danger.

I shook my head. "I've got court this week. Stuff with the PLA. So, I've got to stay here. Coordinate this shit."

Honestly, the PLA could kiss my sorry ass. It didn't mean anything to me compared with Bella. But, it was my excuse and I was sticking with it. We all left soon after that with our assignments and plans to keep in touch, and to meet in person again within the week.

xXxXx

I'd made a purpose for myself during the day. I'd given myself a mission. But later, lying in bed, on dark nights where the blue light from the T.V. made me angry instead of keeping me company, those were the worst times. Because I could still smell her sweat, I could still taste her skin, but as hard as I tried I couldn't feel her next to me. My senses made a mockery of the fact that she wasn't there.

And I was pretty sure that she wasn't in her bed, either. That last morning she'd left me alone and I'd found her curled protectively around Little Bell. I remembered all the shit she had to say about the bed she'd shared with Jacob. I knew. _I knew_. I'd only known Bella for a little over a month, but I knew her well enough to know where she was sleeping. And I knew she was in the right bed, with the right person, and I tried not to fucking let that shit make me cry.

Fuck.

My own fucking tears would bring on different, desperate memories: Bella crying, throwing up, losing her shit in her office after she saw his dead body, that vacant fucking look in her eyes, like she was seeing through me. Those were the times when my fingers itched to dial her number, when I'd jiggle my fucking car keys in my hand. And all the constructive ways I'd found to fill my days crumbled around me like useless rubble. I was fooling myself in the daytime. Nothing fucking mattered without her.

xXxXx

Shelly sniffled and dabbed at her eyes before tottering around to my side of the window and taking me up in a hug that would rival one of Emmett's. "She's not in, Edward, darling," she croaked.

I was thrown. I'd had no idea Shelly knew what was going on between Bella and I. It made me uncomfortable and suspicious, and I struggled out of her grasp.

"I know, Shelley. I'm here to see my uncle."

"Yes, of course. He's in his office. His first appointment's not for another twenty minutes. Chin up, okay?"

"Yeah, uh, thanks, Shelley."

Carlisle's door was open, and he glanced up as I knocked. I suddenly noticed that Carlisle didn't look as young as he once did. His hair had gone a little silver at the temples, and there were dark circles underneath his eyes. With Bella out of the office, he'd been running the practice by himself again, and its toll was showing physically.

"Edward, this is a surprise," Carlisle said, removing his glasses and motioning me in.

"Sorry, I should have called."

"No, not at all. Come in. Close the door behind you."

Carlisle's chairs were a hell of a lot comfier than the shit they had at the police station. I gladly sunk into one and felt infinitely better, and immediately sleepy. After just a couple nights in Bella's bed I'd gotten used to sleep. Now, going without it was kicking my ass.

"So, uh, how have you been, Edward?"

"I wanted to ask you about the ethics board," I replied, ignoring his question. I wasn't about to tell him I was emotionally ruined. "Have you heard anything else from the state?"

"Edward -"

"Please don't 'Edward' me, Carlisle. I have to fix this."

"I'm afraid it's out of our hands."

"Shit. Can't I contact someone in Harrisburg and say something on Bella's behalf?"

"You'll get that opportunity if they decide to proceed with a hearing. If I were you, I'd actually hope you weren't given the chance. Things will go much better for Bella if they drop the investigation in the preliminary stages."

"I'll deny everything. I'll do whatever it takes."

Carlisle arched his eyebrows. "Just like you did when Laurent confronted you about your relationship with Bella?"

"That's different, I deserved to loose my job."

My uncle tented his hands in front of him, and cocked his head to the side.

"This _is_ fucking _different_, Carlisle! If she loses her license she could lose her child."

"All I'm saying is that maybe you should ask Bella before you deny anything."

_Ask Bella_. Fuck. I didn't want our first conversation to be about whether or not I should deny the timing of our relationship before a state ethics panel. And it wasn't just about my testimony. It seemed like more people knew about us than I'd bargained for. If I lied, they would have to lie as well.

"Shelly fucking knows?" I demanded.

"Edward, I have no idea what Shelly knows."

"And who else in the office knows?"

"I'm not going to interrogate my staff, and neither are you. It is what it is. I love you both, but neither of you were ignorant about the ramifications of your actions. I'll do everything in my power to secure her license and to keep her on here, but there's a limit to what can be done once a report has been filed. I'm sure you know this."

"I've been trying to do my part on the sidelines to help her case," I admitted. "I've been following some leads the police are ignoring. And I wanted to do something on the job front too. Since I can't see her, it's all I can do to stay sane."

"It's very hard, emotionally, when you're shut out of someone else's grief."

Carlisle's steely blue eyes met mine, and there was a weight and sadness there that I immediately recognized. He wasn't talking about Bella anymore.

"Seeing all of this, Edward, seeing you now… something's been weighing on me. I'm glad you're here this morning."

"There's nothing to say, Carlisle. It's all in the fucking past."

"No, it's not. I've never forgiven myself for the way I neglected you when you were grieving and needed me the most. You made it very clear that you didn't want my help. But I knew better and there were things I could have done, without intruding, to let you know that I never wanted you to shoulder the burden of your feelings alone.

"To this day it hurts me to think about it. When I heard at the shore, when you told Vanessa that I was a better father… I wasn't, Edward. I neglected you for years. I'm so sorry. I'm so, very sorry."

Years without crying, and these days I couldn't fucking stop. I wiped at my eyes, I looked out the window at the turquoise blue sky and the red leaves that framed the window.

"I was an ass, Carlisle. You never did anything but try to help."

"Except when I didn't. I fell short as your guardian."

"What the fuck were you supposed to do?"

"I was supposed to let you know I was fighting for you." Carlisle paused, but I didn't look in his direction. "Let her know, Edward."

"But she doesn't want to see me. Even better, she probably shouldn't see me."

"You're smart. You have time on your hands. Find a way to let her know. If you don't, you'll live to regret it. And I have a feeling that it will mean the world to her."

xXxXx

Alice asked me out for dinner, and while my first instinct was to turn her down, instead I felt compelled to take her up on the offer. I knew whatever she had to say was going to come with a healthy dose of Alice's patented, peppy, "you can do it" sentiment, but I also figured she'd been in touch with Bella. The promise of vicarious contact beat out the deterrent that Alice's positive attitude presented.

But as I walked into the noodle house, one look at Alice and I quickly realized that my instincts had been completely off the mark. She was a mess. Her hair wasn't spiky or stylish; it was just disheveled. Her face was pale and blotchy and her eyes were bloodshot. For once, she was just wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

Shit.

And she gave me a hug like she was in a contest with Shelly Cope. "Thanks for coming, Big Brother."

"What's the matter, Alice?"

"Are my talents catching, or do I just look that bad?" she tried to laugh, but it fell flat. She played with the menu in front of her.

"You look like shit, pixie."

"Well, then it fits the way I'm feeling. How are you?"

"Do you even need to fucking ask?"

"Maybe. You look better than I figured on."

"Because you figured I'd be lying in the gutter with a needle in my arm, right?"

"No, it's not that."

"Don't lie, Alice."

"I didn't know what you'd do," she admitted as she sniffled and stared at her hands in her lap.

"Alice, what is it? Is it Bella? Ness?"

The waiter interrupted us before Alice could answer. Suddenly, the noodle house made sense. Back when Alice was just starting out and we were both struggling with starting her business from nothing, with buyers and bankers taking us seriously, she loved to sit down to a big bowl of pho. For five dollars you were served a bowl large enough to drown your sorrows and your head, if you wanted to.

Alice steadily avoided my eyes after the waiter left.

"You're going to have me thinking the worst, Alice. Don't fucking do that to me right now."

"She doesn't want to see me, Edward."

"Who?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Bella."

"She said that? Why?" I resisted the urge to demand that Alice tell me how Bella was doing, whether or not she was still constantly crying and throwing up, how Little Bell was taking everything. Instead, I moved to Alice's side of the table, and hugged my arm around her skinny little body.

"She said it hurt too much, Edward."

"But you're her friend. That doesn't make sense."

Alice's dark eyes met mine. She almost looked frightened. She shrugged.

"Shit. Because of me?"

"I'm pretty sure. And she's still not talking to Rose. And she hasn't said anything about this to her neighbor, Jess. That makes sense, I guess, because Jess was Jake's friend too. And I just worry so much, with just her and her dad, and Little Bell. They're not good. And I'm not good. J leaves in a week, and I'm supposed to go back to New York to check in on this fabric mess. They shipped all of this gross linen and I wasn't paying attention like I should have been, and it went into production, and now the line could be ruined, and I should really stay here, but if she won't see me, if he won't stay, then -"

"Alice! Take a breath."

Alice pressed her forehead against my shoulder and her chest heaved and her body shuddered.

"I feel so guilty about everything. I'm so sorry, Edward."

"What in the hell are you talking about?"

"I practically pushed you two together, and I didn't really think about Jacob at all. I was so inconsiderate. I just wanted you to be happy. I didn't think he'd end up dead! And all this time he's been gone; I had no idea. I promise. I really didn't know."

"Alice, you're being ridiculous. Stop beating yourself up."

"I'm just so naïve, sometimes. Like you and Bella are going to ride off into the sunset. Like nothing could happen to Jake, or like Tanya won't turn into a vengeful freak. Or like my best friend and his girlfriend weren't going to be accused of murder. I should have known this."

"It's not your job to know shit, Alice."

"Of course it is. Everyone looks at me like I should know shit. Like I should know which guy I should date, or how it's going to turn out. Like I should have known about Emmett and his trades, or his knee, or whether he would ever play again."

"Alice, no one expects that." I tried to look her in the eye, but she wouldn't meet my gaze.

"_You _don't expect it, Edward. But everyone else, they expect it at the same time they won't even admit it. And now with you, the only person that never asked anything of me… And I put myself out there, I told you what to do, and I fucked everything up."

"Alice, unless I'm completely off, you didn't kill Jacob, and you didn't report Bella to the state, and you didn't move her ex across country. And… it wasn't a mistake, do you hear me? What the fuck would I be doing with myself right now if I hadn't found Bella?"

"I don't know," Alice laughed bitterly. "Having a successful career or something?"

"Out of everything I've lost lately, that's one of the things I couldn't give a shit about. That, and Tanya."

Our food came, and I slid back into the booth across the table. Alice cried silently into her big bowl of soup.

"Alice, stop it," I teased, kicking her under the table.

"But, I don't know what's going to happen, Big Brother."

"I spent more than ten years making sure I knew what was going to happen, Alice. But it didn't mean shit in the end. It didn't do me any good. You've got to do what you can. Go to New York; fix the mess up there. I'll fix the mess down here in Philly."

For the first time since I'd walked in, Alice perked up. "What do you mean, you'll fix the mess?"

"I've got to protect those two. I've got to make sure they come out okay on the other side of all of this shit. Maybe you can't see the future, but I can tell you that they're going to be okay. _That_ is what's going to happen. Everything else: you, me - well, maybe it's good we're flying blind right now. Maybe it's good that I don't fucking know."

"I kind of _have_ to go to New York. It just feels wrong."

"When are you leaving?"

Alice shrugged. "There's an Acela that leaves from 30th Street tonight at seven."

"And you have your cell. She'll call you if she needs you. You could be back in an hour and a half. What did you tell me the other day? You can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself."

"So, you're taking care of yourself? You're looking for an apartment and a new job?"

"Shut up, Alice. It takes time for that kind of deep knowledge to sink the fuck in."

Alice laughed, and I relaxed as I watched her finally dig into her soup. I ate silently, trying to find the courage to ask about Bella. It was only when Alice was close to finished, when the hands on the clock on the wall ticked closer and closer to her departure time that I was more afraid I wouldn't have the chance to ask, than I was about what Alice might say.

"Alice, you've got to tell me. How is she? How's Little Bell?"

Alice's eyes glistened anew, and she blinked quickly, and she let me know.

xXxXx

That night I was exhausted, and I finally fell into a fucked up sleep full of temper tantrums and tears, full of Bella wasting away before my eyes, throwing up her food and refusing meds. I woke up swearing and sweating and cursing myself for making Alice tell me the truth. They were both suffering. Bella was guilty and grieving and Ness was hurt and confused. No matter what I was trying to pull off with my own investigation into Jake's death, the shit Alice relayed to me left me feeling fucking useless.

It left me with the almost irrepressible desire to drive right the fuck over to her house and apologize and beg her forgiveness. I was supposed to be a professional, but I'd overlooked the fact that the shit I was pulling was putting Nessie's custody in jeopardy. But then what? My only fucking alternative would be to walk away, because no matter whether or not Bella forgave me, whether she forgave _us_, it wasn't going to mean shit to a family court judge.

"Yeah, Your Honor, she started fucking me the night she left Jacob Black, but she accepted my apology."

I was a fucking idiot.

But I couldn't sit alone in the dark, in this enormous bed, in this stale hotel room. I didn't know where I was supposed to be, but this wasn't it. A drive passed Bella's home yielded dark windows and an eye roll from Felix. I drove around the neighborhood and made another pass. That time, Felix pretended not to look.

As I cruised around her neighborhood, I turned on the radio and that song I'd emailed to Bella that first night was playing. It was the song about big beds and being nervous. Back then, it seemed so innocent, but now it had taken a turn for the macabre, and it was hard to listen to with dry eyes.

I pulled over, I pounded the steering wheel, and I screamed 'fuck' to the empty interior of my car. _**Music**_ - according to Bella, it wasn't supposed to make me feel this way. I pulled the little scrap of paper out of my back pocket. My prescription. It was wearing at the folds, nearly torn in places. Her messy script made me smile. No matter what had happened with that song, with our lives, this little scrap of paper still made me feel lighter.

So, I kept driving, and twenty minutes later I found myself parked outside of Alice's home. As I unlocked the front door and deactivated the security system, I reasoned that she wouldn't even know I'd been there. Hell, she wouldn't care either way. If it wasn't for the fact that her house was dominated with my discarded crap, I'm sure she would have invited me to stay while I looked for a place of my own.

The black lacquer of the piano gleamed in the streetlight that shined through the tall windows. Suddenly, inexplicably shy, I lowered the blinds before I sat down at the bench. I'd been keeping the strange little strips of newsprint rolled up in my pocket next to the prescription. And I had to laugh as I unrolled it all and tried to keep it flat against the music rack.

But as the initial awkwardness faded, my fingers sought the keys almost of their own accord. With the first notes I felt simultaneously better and worse. My pain was exposed to the night air, and it hurt and somehow pushed the air out of my lungs. At first my fingers moved tentatively as I tried to make out the mishmash of notes on the graying paper. But then I remembered my mom's coaching, how she would remind me what I'd been thinking when the chords came to me, and I fell into the melody. And I opened myself up to the pain that shook me when I watched Bella crumble in front of my eyes, when she told me to leave, when Alice told me about her suffering.

Finally, I could sit with it. I didn't have to do anything to dull the intensity of what I felt. I could acknowledge it without breaking.

After the last soft notes faded, I shifted my hands to my lap and panted. I closed my eyes and saw Bella as she'd been less than two weeks ago: laughing and happy, flushed and pretty after she'd kicked my ass running for the river. I'd told Little Bell hearts could mend, but it seemed so far off, and I had no fucking clue how to find our way there.

"I didn't know you were a musician," someone softly drawled behind me.

I jumped and spun around on the bench to see J seated on the bottom landing wearing nothing but a pair of flannel pajama bottoms with rips in the knees.

"Shit."

"Sorry. Didn't want to interrupt. It was pretty, and intense in a way. Couldn't half sleep through it, cause it kind of leaves this torn up feeling inside. It's real nice."

"I figured Alice was gone, and -"

"I've kind of been staying here as it gets closer to when I'm supposed to be leaving."

"Alice didn't say."

"Doesn't say much to me either, lately. Now, what I want to know is why you needed me if you could have played your own benefit."

I chuckled. "Because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

"I beg to differ."

"I played with my mom when I was a kid."

"Well, what you played there was a little bit different than _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_."

"No, I never played that shit. I still wouldn't know how. I kind of started playing this way, without really knowing what I was doing. It was something my mom and I did together, almost like a secret, I guess. She said she could bring me on stage since she played with an orchestra. But the idea of doing this in front of thousands of people left me scared shitless. So she said we could wait until I was ready."

_She fucking died before that day ever came._

"I don't know, man. Sounds to me like you're just about ready."

"Now? No. Tonight, I don't know… It helped me deal with all of this shit in my life. In Bella's. It's like there are too many things going on in my fucking head, but put it on paper, play the notes and it all makes sense, for a second. You know?"

"I understand that. But from where I'm sitting, that didn't sound like it was about a lot of shit, or about being overwhelmed. Maybe it's more about how raw and vulnerable it can feel to love."

"What the hell?" I asked, suddenly very fucking aware that I was speaking with a half naked man, in the dark, in a whisper. Talking about my deepest fucking feelings.

"I don't know, man. It's like three a.m. Maybe I'm talking in my sleep," J replied with a smirk.

"No. You're right, I think."

"Hey, is that it?" J asked, standing to his feet and nodding at the thin strips of newsprint on the music rack. I shrugged and handed the taped scraps his way. His eyes went immediately wide and he flipped it one way then the next as he tried to figure it out.

"I never learned to write the notes and shit. My mom did that," I explained.

"You're one crazy motherfucker, aren't you Edward?

"What's Alice told you?"

J tried not to smile and shook his head. "I can't believe that what I just heard looks like this," he laughed.

But I wasn't really listening. I was thinking about how the music had made me capable of dealing with the pain, how it had put things right in my mind for the time being. It's what I wanted to do for Bella: what I was trying to do with the detectives, and with my effort to fix things with the ethics board. But I knew that while those actions were rational, she might never know, it might never give her the same calm I felt after playing. It made me wonder.

"J, Alice said you're recording for another week."

"Yeah," he said, looking somewhat sheepish. "We're actually just about done, but I'm kind of drawing it out, I guess. You know. Alice."

"I know I owe you for the fundraiser."

"You don't owe me shit, Edward."

"That's fucking good, cause I'm about to ask you for another favor."

J chuckled. "Shoot man, out with it."

"Could I borrow some studio time?"

"For this?" he asked. "Yeah, definitely. As long as I can get a copy."

xXxXx

"An application for emancipation is not taken lightly in this court," Judge O'Connor informed Garrett and I, like he was telling us something we didn't know. No judge took emancipation lightly. And unless it was some child actor, or singer, or an Olympic athlete, the petition was almost always denied.

While that was definitely discriminatory and just generally fucked up, walking into court today, I felt different about Garrett's petition than I had before.

"_You're sure about this, Garrett?" I asked moments before his hearing._

"_You know I am, Mr. Masen. We've been on this thing for months. I changed my life for this shit here."_

"_But on your own? It's just another year until your eighteenth birthday."_

"_I been on my own my whole damn life. Just taking care of my deadbeat parents on my own. I ain't doin' that anymore. I'm making a statement with this. I can do this. I _am _doin' it."_

"_There's no family that could help you out?"_

"_On my own, Mr. Masen. What the fuck? You were with me on this shit."_

"_I'm still with you, Garrett."_

"When motivated by abuse or neglect by one or both parents, it is the opinion of this court that the child in question becomes a matter for the Department of Human Services. In the eyes of the law, you are a child, Garrett. We don't throw children out on the street and expect them to fend for themselves.

"What is different about this application, though, is that you've already done that on your own. You threw yourself out and you fended for yourself. And in doing so, you have demonstrated responsibility not often seen in those many years your senior.

"While living with your parents you dropped out of school. Now you have a 3.5 grade point average. Living under your parents' roof, you were arrested for drug possession with intent to sell. You're now supporting yourself gainfully, and paying rent on a room.

"Under tough questioning, you have given thoughtful and unusually convincing answers. But, I can't in all good judgment let you completely go unsupervised. To do that, I would be remiss in my position. I'll be appointing a court-ordered conservator to oversee your finances, and you will meet with a DHS caseworker once monthly until your eighteenth birthday.

"It was very nice to meet you, Garrett. It's not often I have such exemplary youth in front of me in this courtroom. Good day."

Judge O'Connor's gavel rang out, and he shook his head at me before he left the courtroom. I'd fucking won again, and while O'Connor wasn't pleased, after the case we presented, he'd had nearly no option but to grant my client's petition for emancipation.

"What the hell did all that mean, Mr. Masen?"

"It means that you fucking did it, Garrett. You're on your own. Mostly."

"Shit, are you serious?" Garrett threw his arms around me and clapped me on the back. "Holy shit," he mumbled in disbelief.

"You did it. You convinced him you could act like an adult."

"Shit, I've been doing that since I could hardly walk. You wouldn't think I'd have to go through all this shit to prove that."

I should have been happy for him. But looking at that skinny kid in front of me, knowing how hard he struggled to pay for a beat up room, with no one to watch his back, no one to give him a hug when it got too fucking hard, I felt anything but excited. Sure, I'd done the same shit when I was his age, but it didn't seem like as much of an accomplishment as I'd always fucking thought of it in the past. That shit had colored the rest of my life, and not in a pretty way.

"But you're looking at me like we lost, Mr. Masen."

"I just want to know that you're sure."

"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" he laughed.

"Sometimes I do things backwards. And, I don't know, I worry and shit."

"Well, uh, maybe I could still come visit you sometimes over at the clinic? To keep you from worrying?" he smiled shyly.

"Yeah, Garrett, of course." And as ridiculous as it seemed, I was relieved.

"Nice, man. And, uh, another thing. You know that shit you gave me, all that stuff for my apartment?"

"Yeah, I know it." There were still piles and piles of that crap over at Alice's place.

"You think maybe you got some more? I got these kids coming around trying to get at my plates and cups and shit."

"You want me to give supplies to thieves?"

"They're not thieves, really. I don't know. They see what I've done and shit and they're like tryin' to do it like me. They're setting up in this squat over in the Southwest. And I thought maybe if they had some shit of their own, they'd leave me the fuck alone."

"A squat? I'm not going to set some kids up in illegal, potentially dangerous housing."

"But you said you were on the streets once. You lived like that."

"When I think back to that time, it doesn't really seem like living, Garrett."

"They're trying to make good. I swear. Why don't you come by and see?''

It didn't take much convincing to get me to agree. It's not like I had shit to do those days.

xXxXx

The house was huge, and it was falling apart, and it was boarded up and condemned. Even so, you could see the hints of its old grandeur in the dark hardwood floors, the wooden banister with elaborate detailing, the leaded windows and doorknobs, some of which were still remarkably intact. The bones still seemed strong, from what I could tell, but so much else was rotted out and stinking of piss.

"It's a fucking death trap, Garrett. This shit needs a lot more that a couple of plates and a picture of the Philly skyline."

"Man, it could be great, though. Don't you see it?"

"I see about one hundred thousand dollars in repairs."

"Then you got faulty eyes."

And I might have agreed, because it looked like I saw Rosalie Hale speed walking past the house. From the direction she was going she must have seen me on the porch, but she'd walked right fucking by. I jumped down off the porch, since the steps were rotted out, and rushed down the path to the sidewalk.

"Edward!" Garrett yelled after me.

"Be right back," I called over my shoulder, before leaping over the rusted iron gate. "Rosalie!"

She paused for a split second, before picking up her pace even more.

"Goddamn it Rosalie, I'm not above making a scene," I yelled as I raced to catch up to her.

The threat of a scene did it. Rosalie stopped, placed her hands on her hips and turned to face me. She nodded towards the abandoned house. "I see you're still homeless."

"Christ, Rosalie, lay the fuck off for once. Why haven't you called Bella?"

"Is this because of your talk with Emmett? Because you 'really like' Bella?" She actually made air quotes. "I'm sorry, but just because you like her and don't just want to fuck her, it still doesn't make it right."

"Jesus, Rose. This has nothing to do with me. I'm not even seeing Bella anymore."

"I told her," she practically spit, seething with sudden rage. "You asshole!"

"She broke up with _me_," I explained holding up my hands like it was going to make my innocence obvious. "And fuck, I thought you two were supposed to be friends. I get it; you didn't fucking like me. But what the fuck, you know, Rose? That shit shouldn't matter in times like this. She's got no one but her dad right now, and she's completely alone and completely fucked, and you're just out for a fucking walk like it's any other fucking day. You know what, you don't deserve to be her friend, you bitch."

"What are you talking about? And how dare you call me a bitch?"

"If it walks like a duck," I quipped and Rosalie pursed her lips and looked like she was holding herself back from attacking. And fuck, I'd managed not to hit Tanya, but this shit with Rose was different. She'd actually hurt Bella. For better or worse, my fists were aching for the opportunity.

"I'm waiting," she hissed.

"You really don't know? Jake is dead, Rosalie. He was murdered, and his body turned up in the river. The police think it could be one of us, and James sued for joint custody at the perfect fucking time."

"Oh my god." Rose's hand went over her mouth, her eyes were wide with shock. "When?"

"Would you just fucking go to your friend? She broke up with me, she won't talk to Alice. She could use a friend, if you're prepared to try to act like one."

"Oh my god. I didn't know."

xXxXx

"Felix, what did she say?" I asked. Over the past twelve hours I'd just about bitten through my bottom lip.

"She asked if you said anything else. You know, besides instructions not to open it until she boarded."

I could have fucking kicked myself. I could have told Felix to tell her I loved her, that it hurt more than I knew was possible that she was going to be three thousand miles away, that I wanted more than anything to hold her, to be there more than in spirit.

"So, I said no, kind of."

"Kind of?" I asked.

"Well, I uh, told her that I thought maybe you missed her."

I couldn't help smile. The idea of Felix, with his long beard and leather jacket, offering up his opinion on my feelings was, I don't know, endearing. "I owe you a cheese steak, Felix."

"From Tony Luke's this time. Shit, Edward, hang on, it's Alec on the other line."

I glanced at the clock. Bella's plane was supposed to be taking off in less than an hour. I wondered what she'd think when she opened the care package. Would it mean as much as Carlisle said it would? Would she get it? Would she understand that I'd do everything in my power to make her happy, even from a distance? That I wasn't going out to make a family of my own, like she told me I should. Did she understand that I'd already found my family?

xXxXx

"_This fancy dress is bootiful, Ewoord!" Little Bell said as she spun in front of the mirror._

_I couldn't help thinking that the dress was just okay, but with her big brown eyes, rosy cheeks, and bouncy curls, Little Bell was adorable._

"_You're the one that designed it, baby. You and Alice."_

"_I know that already!" she giggled. "I remember."_

"_So, Little Bell, this is serious. You have to act really grown up at dinner tonight for mommy's birthday."_

"_Uh huh," she mumbled dismissively, sitting on the floor and collecting a family of stuffed cows._

"_Nessie, really. We have to make this perfect for your mommy. Do you think you can sit still and stay in your seat and keep your voice down at the restaurant?"_

"_No," she said, without looking up._

"_What?"_

"_Mama says I can't never sit still. I can't do it, Ewoord."_

_At least the kid was honest. But I worried. I hadn't cooked anything for dinner; I'd made these reservations on faith… sudden, unexpected faith that it would work. Because, for the first time in my life it all fit, it felt fucking perfect. Even with all of the uncertainty of having no job and no home, no professional direction, I was certain about something I never thought I could have. I was certain about Bella and her daughter. That had to translate into a perfect birthday, didn't it?_

"_Ewoord, will you be the daddy cow? He has horns."_

"_Yeah, sure," I agreed taking the bull by the horns._

"_People daddies don't have horns."_

"_No, they don't. Could you please try to stay still tonight at dinner?"_

_Little Bell shook her head in the negative. "Mama say-ed you can't be a daddy cause you getted sick."_

"_She did?"_

_Ness nodded and the baby cow nuzzled the bull in my shaking hands. "And she say-ed that there is two ways to be a daddy. One way happens in this many minutes," and Little Bell held up two fingers. This conversation had obviously taken place well before Bella slept with me. "And the nother way takes a long, long time." Ness looked up from the baby cow to check in with me. I noticed that we were both biting our lips._

"_I guess she was right."_

"_Can you be my daddy in the two minute way?"_

"_I'm sorry baby, but I can't do that sweetheart. It doesn't work that way."_

"_What way it works, Ewoord?"_

_I took the little girl in my arms, and she curled up her legs and pressed her head against my chest. "I'll tell you what, Little Bell. I can't do anything about being a daddy. But I'll make you a deal. If you try really hard to be good at dinner tonight, I'm going to try really hard too."_

"_Really hard to be good at a dinner?"_

"_I'm going to try really hard to make us a family." _

_Nessie smiled and hugged me tight. "Okay."_

"_But for now, this is our secret, okay? Just between me and you. I want to find the right time to ask your mommy. Can you keep it a secret, if I try really hard?"_

"_Thank you, Ewoord. I promise. Can I try too?"_

"_Of course, baby. Of course."_

xXxXx

"Edward, dude, are you there?"

"Yeah, sorry, Felix."

"Did you hear me?"

"No, I guess not."

"Dude he found it. Alec found Jake's truck in Trenton."

* * *

**A/N: I know this was a long ass chapter with no Bella in sight. But E's not just curled up on the bed, crying, you know? (Well, maybe just at night.) And there's a lot to bring together. Hang in there, okay? **

**I knew that the break-up chapter (Chapter 23) would be hard to read. Thanks to so many of you for sticking with me and understanding, or at least trying to. Sorry for the tears. For the Bella haters, I hope you decided to stick with it. I thought long and hard about the break up, I tried to write it so it turned out differently, and it was so hard for me to write. I didn't do it lightly. B isn't perfect, she's grieving. And while E might look all perfect now, he has about 25 years of fucking up in his past. **

**Voting opens for The Avant Garde Awards on November 20th, and Little Bell is up for an award as Best Kid in a Fic! Here's the link: http:/twilightfb-awards . blogspot . com/p/vote . html**

**Thanks for the reviews, and for telling others about TPoL! Please keep them coming. Until next week, XXX, M**


	28. Chapter 25

BPOV

It was almost like I could feel the weight of Jake's coffin as we flew across the country, like somehow I just knew where he was in the hold. I was probably crazy. So, I tried to close my eyes and I tried not to think about it. I tried to sleep.

But that only made me think about Edward and his note. He'd packed Ativan, saying that it would help me to sleep. Yeah, that was code for, "You're acting crazy, B. You need meds."

_I'll be waiting for you, when you're ready._

Waiting for _me_? Why? Waiting for the bitch that kicked Jake out and hooked up with someone else that same night? For the woman that proceeded to ruin the lives of everyone around her, only to finish things up by having a nervous breakdown? He was going to wait for that when he could do so much better?

I'd always known that, too. He was my harmless fantasy. He was supposed to make showers and those stolen moments before bed a little more exciting. Rose had called him my 'Calgon take me away'. And then I let him into my life and I let him really take me away.

Being with Edward took away my sense of right and wrong, and came dangerously close to letting someone take away my daughter. It took away my stable life, and quite possibly my profession. Take me away? Yeah, it was nearly all taken away. I'd mixed up fantasy and reality, and I had no one to blame but myself.

This - flying in a plane with my troubled daughter and my dead boyfriend - this was reality. What was I thinking about with Edward? That he'd just move in and take Jake's place, and we'd live this fairytale where he'd pick her up from school and make dinner, and then I'd come home and we'd have great sex every night? Did I think that all of the other problems would just disappear? Did I think at all? Maybe I needed something stronger than the Ativan.

Nessie stirred in her sleep, knocking me out of my troubled thought pattern and pushing me into mom mode. Worried about the possibility of night terrors on a transcontinental flight, I did my best to soothe her in her sleep; pulling her into my lap, whispering that I was with her, rocking and tucking the airplane blanket over us both.

Sleep. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in over a week. I remembered lecturing Edward about sleep as he sat in the lab chair right after I told him he didn't have cancer. Yeah, it had been easy to be all cavalier from where I was standing that day. You need sleep to be happy. Ness and I just needed some good, solid sleep, and maybe a couple of miracles thrown in for good measure, and happiness would just blossom in our lives, or some crap like that.

I'd been so cocky.

But when I thought about those eyes, that man, the way he'd hold my face in his hands like he treasured me, the way his voice sounded when he said, "I love you"… Those times, it was hard not to lose myself in the fantasy all over again.

In my mind, I wanted to place Edward's kindness in the hollow void Jake's absence left. I wanted it to even out the raw, rough edges of my soul. I wanted it to lie to me and tell me everything was going to be all right.

Because he'd wait. He loved me. There was no one else.

But that had always been unrealistic. It was a coward's way out. It wasn't fair to Edward, and it wouldn't really fix anything. As if anything could ever be fixed after this. I knew I had to believe in that possibility, but right now it was just too damn hard to do.

I pressed my eyes closed, trying to block it all out… Edward wasn't my life; my life was in my arms. She was warm and pretty and intelligent, and prone to night terrors. I was being selfish and insensitive. Instead of Edward, I needed to think about my daughter. After all she'd been through I needed to make her better. I needed to honor Jake and his memory. I needed to get a hold of myself.

And I had to do this by myself. I'd relied on others for too long. Now, Ness's well being hinged on my ability to stand strong, and to stand alone.

xXxXx

My senses were always overwhelmed when I got off the plane in Port Angeles. It was almost like the colors green and gray didn't really exist anywhere in the world but in the Pacific Northwest. The air was crisp and wet at the same time, and it actually smelled sweet. It was home and it all served to wake me up for the first time since I'd sent Edward away. Ness coughed, like her lungs weren't used to real air, and she blinked, peering into the dim afternoon light.

My dad and I hadn't talked much on the plane. His mind was somewhere else, and I was frightened to find out where that might be, so I didn't ask. Our rag-tag, red-eyed bunch walked through the tiny airport, looking for the courtesy desk where they'd be handling the transfer of Jake's body. But instead of Jake, his dad and his sister were there instead.

Jake's dad, Billy, was suffering from the advanced stages of diabetes. Blind in one eye and missing a foot, his disability, coupled with his macho attitude, made travel difficult. I hardly ever saw him outside the little reservation where he'd lived his whole life. The only exceptions were his fishing trips with my dad. Amazingly, he could maneuver out of his wheelchair and onto a boat with ease.

Well, now there were two exceptions. Apparently, he'd also leave La Push to meet the body of his youngest child at the airport.

Jake's twin sisters, Rachel and Rebecca, were about a year younger than me. I was never Rebecca's favorite. She made it no secret that she though Jake and I should have been married years ago. But now, meeting her in the airport, she gave me a look that let me know she wished me dead instead of her brother.

"Grandpa Billy!" Ness called out when she saw Jake's dad, letting go of my hand and running in his direction.

"My little muskrat," Billy grumbled, throwing out his arms. "It's so good to see you, little girl."

"You too, Grandpa Billy." Ness scrambled into his lap, and they hugged and cuddled, and Rebecca softened enough to smile and pat Nessie's curls. In another heartbeat, Billy was silently crying, and Ness, no stranger to tears these days, begin quietly wiping them away.

"It is because Jake died?" she asked, and Billy hugged her tighter.

Rebecca grabbed hold of my dad's hand, and smiled gratefully at him. "Thanks, Charlie."

And there I was, an outsider to their grief. It lasted forever, and not nearly long enough. Billy's black eyes, so similar to Jake's, finally found mine, and they narrowed in sorrow and recognition. "Isabella, thank you for bringing my boy home."

"I'm so sorry, Billy."

"Daughter, no, it wasn't your fault."

"No, don't…"

"Isabella, come here."

I forced my legs to work, I forced myself in Billy's direction, and I could practically feel Rebecca trying to repel me with her mind. I could practically see the hairs standing up on the back of her neck.

Billy took both of my hands in his. "You will always be my daughter, Isabella. No matter the church or a piece of paper. My son loved only you, for as long as I can remember. He died before he could make it official, but I know the hole in your heart must rival my own."

No one had told him.

I let out a sob that was too loud for a public place and I was blinded with the tears that filled my eyes and washed over my face. I saw a blur and a blank space, and I knew that Rebecca had left me to my guilt and grief. My dad's arm came around my shoulders and I shrunk against his chest. He shushed me, and his big hand flattened my hair against my head.

"Mama's sad too, Grandpa Billy."

xXxXx

"He didn't know, dad."

The three of us bumped along in the back seat of the cab on the way from the airport to my dad's house. We'd been planning on accompanying the body to the funeral home, but Billy said that he wanted some time alone with his son.

Ness had her nose pressed up against the window, not taking her eyes off the scenery for a second. The peninsula was about as different from Philadelphia as you could get, and she didn't want to miss a second of it.

"What do you mean, baby?" my dad asked, staring at his hands in his lap.

"What I did," I sniffled, exasperated. I didn't like that he was making me say it out loud.

"And you think it would make a difference?"

"I guess I did."

"It's certainly not any of my business to tell Billy what happened between you and his son. So, he'd never hear any of that from me. That's up to you, pumpkin. But I'd consider things carefully before I acted, because I don't think telling Billy would accomplish anything."

"But he thinks -"

"He thinks his son loved you, Bella. Is he wrong?"

"No, but -"

"He thinks you'll still come and visit him to keep his son's memory alive. He thinks you'll keep Vanessa in his life. Is he wrong?"

"Of course not. I just figured he wouldn't want to -"

"Billy's not in the best of health, baby. He lost his wife, and now his only son. Do you think a little thing like you fighting with Jake before he died would hold any sway with him, or that it would make him feel even remotely different about you?"

"Dad, you and I both know it wasn't_ just_ a fight. By not telling him, wouldn't I be lying?"

My dad was about to respond, but by that time the cab had pulled up to my old home. My dad had lived in the tiny house on the edge of the forest his entire life. It was his parent's before him, and he'd brought my mom to live there after their shotgun wedding.

"We're here!" Ness called out, hopping up and down in her seat. "We're here!"

The house had almost never changed, inside or out, since I was little. There was the time when I was seven that the dishwasher broke and we had to get a new one, and then the appearance of the matching Lazy Boys when I was ten. My dad reluctantly installed a landline to my room so I could have Internet access the year before college. And, of course, every year he'd change my school picture that hung over the fire place. That was pretty much the extent of it. My dad was nothing if not comforting and consistent.

So I was blown away when I walked into the little kitchen to see new lemony yellow curtains hanging over the window by the sink, and a strange driftwood and moss centerpiece on the tiny kitchen table. Everything else was the same: the wooden cabinets, mismatched chairs, the brown refrigerator and golden oven. But still, something was off.

Ness ran up the stairs, straight for my old room. My dad had saved lots of my old toys, and Ness took special joy in playing with my old Barbie dolls, and baby dolls and the vintage My Little Ponies.

I slumped into a chair with Edward's blue care package on my lap. It was easily the fanciest thing in the room, and its bright color was only rivaled by the new curtains. It didn't belong. I hugged it protectively.

"Coffee?" my dad asked.

"God, no. Maybe some herbal tea?"

"Fresh out," my dad practically laughed. "Lipton?"

I shrugged my shoulders, and my dad took that as a silent go ahead and put on some water.

"You think the two of you will be all right in your bed? I could bring a cot up from the basement," he offered.

"No. We'll be fine."

My dad nodded. I was pretty sure he knew I'd been sleeping in Ness's twin bed every night. "You got plans today, pumpkin?"

"I, uh, don't know." The simple idea that I might plan to do something seemed otherworldly. It implied desire, something my body and mind felt incapable of. Well, I could plan to curl up on the sofa and watch T.V. That sounded harmless enough. I knew that I should plan to eventually give Ness a bath. And my dad didn't cook, so I should plan to make something for dinner. Actually, my dad probably didn't have any real food in the house. If I didn't want to serve frozen fried chicken or something else from a box, I should probably plan a trip to the supermarket.

"I'll need to pick us up some food. Should I take your truck?"

"There's food here, baby."

"I mean_ real_ food, dad."

"Well, here's the thing, Bella -"

My dad didn't get a chance to tell me exactly what the thing was, because a car pulled up the drive.

"Visitors?" I squeaked. I'd been hoping to more or less hide out. My dad peeked between the new sunshiny curtains.

"Not exactly, Bells."

"Then what?"

My dad radiated anxiety and couldn't meet my eyes. "I never found the right time to tell you."

"Tell me _what_, daddy? I can't really handle surprises right now."

"I know. That's why -"

The side door opened and the teller from Pacific Bank out on Route 101 walked into the kitchen. She was sixty-ish with long gray-blonde hair, and smiling for all she was worth.

"I hoped I was going to beat you guys home," she gushed looking back and forth between my dad and I. "But Barbara Williams kept me at that window for a full fifteen minutes, telling me about her son's baseball scholarship and her daughter's ballet lessons, and she wouldn't listen when I tried to tell her that I had to get home. _Especially_ today."

She walked across the kitchen and gave my dad a quick kiss on the cheek. I worked to keep my mouth from hanging open. Twenty-eight years and I'd never seen anyone but my mom kiss my dad. I didn't know what to say.

Neither did my dad. But he held his teller shyly around the waist. Apparently, he'd moved on too, just like I had. Well, not_ just_ like me; he'd moved a little slower than I did. It had been twenty-three years since my mom left. I clutched my care package for moral support.

"Sorry we had to meet like this," the teller offered. "Your dad told me that you and the young man from La Push were friends since you were kids. Such a pity, such a violent death at such a young age. We don't see much of that around Forks. But you know that, growing up here. I haven't seen you since you were a teenager! When you came in and transferred your college savings account. I remember you though, always such a little thing, so pretty, like a straight-haired version of your dad."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know her name.

"I like the curtains," I offered.

"They bring out some of the gold tones in the decor, don't they? Livens the place up." And with that she rubbed my dad's shoulder, and then I think maybe she pinched his backside. Whatever she did, he jumped and grumbled good-naturedly, and looked at the ground.

"My dad said there was food."

"I don't know how he raised you, cooking like he does."

"I did the cooking."

"Well, maybe then we could work on dinner together tonight? I was thinking Beef Wellington?"

My stomach lurched. "Maybe I could make a salad," I offered.

"Oh, dear, you look as green as a head of lettuce. Can I get you some Pepto?" And before I could answer, the teller turned and high tailed it up the stairs.

"_Who_ you_ are_?" I heard Ness ask from the second floor landing. It was a very good question.

I arched my eyebrows at my dad.

"Lynne Starcher," he replied with a shrug and a small, awkward smile.

"She seems at home."

"She is… at home."

"You're living with someone! When were you going to tell me?"

My dad arched his eyebrows right back at me. He didn't have to say a thing.

"Edward didn't _live _with me, dad. Not really. And, you're my _dad_, you're supposed to be better at this." But those words seemed to stab me in the stomach, because I was Nessie's mom. I was supposed to be better to her, too. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I used the handle of Edward's care package to wipe at them. "And… I don't know, you've never even dated."

"Or maybe my dates never meant enough to me to bring them around."

"And Lynne?" I asked.

My dad's foggy gray-green eyes brightened. "Means enough," was all that he said, before he retreated to the refrigerator for a beer.

_Wow._

Ness helped with dinner. She took to Lynne like she took to all well-meaning adults. She was on her like white on rice. Especially since Lynne trusted her enough to let Ness mix and stir, and then let her lick the batter.

Ness couldn't eat enough of the Beef Wellington, either. She cleared her plate and asked for seconds, while I picked at my food. It wasn't personal. Staring at my plate full of breaded and buttery red meat, it was all I could do to keep myself from running to the bathroom again. I pushed the food around in front of me and hoped Lynne didn't notice.

"Ewoord doesn't eat cows," Ness informed everyone towards the end of the meal. "And this is cows. Ewoord wouldn't eat it. But we maked seaweeds once a-gether. And I miss him a lot." She immediately went back to filling her mouth with buttery beef.

"Is Edward your friend?" Lynne asked Ness. My water went down the wrong way and I choked.

"He's my… umm… he's my nothin'," Ness said. "He had a go. We have a agreemit. He maked me mad, but I miss him, too."

"Oh," Lynne said, looking between my dad and I for a more coherent explanation.

"A friend of mine," I offered. My hands itched for the care package. It was under the bed in my room. The glass container where the sushi had been was in the sink. I resisted the urge to jump out of my chair to touch it, to remember that he still cared, and to keep the connection between him and Ness alive.

"Billy called while you were in the bathroom earlier," my dad casually informed me, like I'd been showering instead of throwing up. But the raw meat Lynne had been handling made me feel completely ill. "He was hoping you and Vanessa could go over to his place tomorrow, before everyone comes around for the funeral. This way he'd have some time with just the two of you."

"Of course," I agreed, picking at my salad.

"Yay! Grandpa Billy's house," Ness cheered. "Are Becca's kids gonna be there too?"

"Probably," I admitted, less than eager to see Rebecca again.

After the plane ride and all of the excitement, and with a three-hour time difference, Ness fell asleep before six. If all went according to schedule, she'd be up with her first round of night terrors before ten. _Awesome_. Before, they had been nerve wracking and tiring, but now I was worried about what Lynne might think on top of it all. I could only hope that she didn't try to get involved and give advice.

"I like it at grandpa's, mama," Ness sleepily admitted as I tucked her into my little bed.

"It is cozy here," I agreed.

"And green outside," she added.

"And green."

"Can we go to a beach soon?"

"We're going to the beach on Sunday." The Quileutes believed that their church and cemetery were sacred ground, so only members of the tribe were invited to attend funeral services. In order that the wider community could honor a loved one's passing, memorials were held beforehand, often on the beach.

"Sunday?" Ness asked.

"Everyone in town is going to be there to remember Jake."

"I a-member Jake," Ness informed me. "But he not coming back, right?"

"Right. He's gone forever, Ness," I murmured sadly, pushing her hair off her face.

"What about Ewoord? Did Ewoord died too?" I took in a sharp breath of air. Just the idea of his death made me clutch at the headboard to steady myself.

"No, baby. He didn't die."

"Is he gone forever, like Jake?"

"I don't know, Ness." I tried to hide my tears from my daughter. _God, when would I stop crying?_

"Will Ewoord keep his promise, mama?"

"I guess that depends on the promise."

"It's a secret," she whispered.

"Can you tell me?"

She sheepishly shook her head. "No. I promised not a tell."

"I'm sorry, Ness."

"For what, mama? For the promise?"

"No. For everything I did to make you sad."

"You not maked me sad, mama. I lo' you."

"I love you too, Ness. Night, honey," I murmured with a kiss to her cheek, checking to make sure the blankets were tucked around her.

"Night," she mumbled back with a yawn.

My dad and Lynne were talking in hushed voices in the living room as I came down the stairs. The T.V. wasn't even on. Things had definitely changed around there.

"You don't have to go," I heard my dad say.

"But I shouldn't stay, either."

"Lynne, you don't have to go anywhere," I said, walking into the living room. Seeing the two of them sitting together on the loveseat was unsettling, but still, she didn't have to leave, for god's sake. I was a grown up.

Lynne smiled sweetly. "I have aerobics class. You're father's just being dramatic. I'll be back later tonight."

My dad? Dramatic? I gave him a quick once over to see if I was missing something. Nope, he looked the same.

"Huh," I murmured.

Lynne got up from the couch and kissed my dad on the cheek. "I'll see you later, Bella," she said, squeezing my hand, before quickly bustling out the door.

"She seems… _nice_, dad."

He nodded and shifted in his seat. "Yeah, too nice, maybe."

"Well, I don't know. Too nice for you? I don't think so."

"Could we talk, Bells?" he asked, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

"We're talking already."

My dad finally looked me in the eye. It was the same look he gave me when I was a teenager and he wanted to 'give it to me straight'. "Sit down, Bells." I did what he said without thinking. It was like a reflex.

"So, I, uh, want to propose something."

"Yeah?"

"Well, here's the thing. Lynne and I were thinking, that now, after everything… maybe you and Vanessa, you guys could always move back home, you know?"

He may as well have shoved me off my Lazy Boy. "What? _ Here_?"

"Well, here at first, if you needed. But sell that big place of yours in the city and you could get anything you wanted in Forks. Mr. Garner on the other side of town just put his place up for sale. It's small and manageable and there's a yard. Your own little house for less than half you'd pay back east."

"But… but -"

"And Lynne's up for retirement at the end of the month. She could watch Vanessa, so she wouldn't have to go to pre-school like she does now."

"Ness _likes_ pre-school, daddy."

"And they always need doctors at the hospital here. You've known Dr. Miller since you were a kid. He'd hire you in a heartbeat."

"I like the practice where I work."

"People know you here, Bells. They love you. You have a family. What do you have waiting for you in Philadelphia? I'll tell you: A house that's too big for you girls, with too much upkeep. A dangerous city where good boys get shot dead.

"Baby, it doesn't make sense. Come home. Raising a little girl alone is hard. I know that. Let Lynne and I help."

What my dad was saying made a lot of sense. He always did. He was the kind of guy that could survey a situation and come up with the most sensible plan for going forward.

But, I couldn't.

"I don't know, daddy. I like it there."

"Honey, you won't step foot in your own bedroom."

"That's not a good reason to move three thousand miles away, daddy."

"How about me getting to spend some real time with my grandbaby. Is that a good reason?"

"Dad! That's not fair."

"But it's the truth. Tell me you'll think about it, pumpkin. Sleep on it, at least."

"I have court in a week; the hearing with James."

"I'm not telling you to skip court. You'd have to go back and tie things up one way or the other. I understand that."

"I don't think -"

"Uh, uh. Not now. Sleep on it."

xXxXx

Was it weird to sleep with a bottle of Ativan, a small iPod, a four year-old, and a note slipped under my pillow for good measure? I didn't really care one way or the other. For the first time in a while, it felt right. I didn't actually take the meds that Carlisle prescribed for me; I only held them. But Ness and I both slept like babies. It was the best sleep I had since the night of my perfect birthday, when I'd slept in Edward's arms. The best sleep I'd had since everything changed.

Ness was bright and cheerful in the morning. It had been almost twenty-four hours since she'd had a tantrum. I tried not to think that maybe my dad was right. Maybe a change was just what Nessie needed. I certainly didn't have to worry for her safety in Forks. Except for the occasional wolf or bear sighting, things were tame to the point of being dull.

I mean, that was the point of what I was supposed to be doing, right? I was supposed to be putting Nessie first right now. I was supposed to be being a good mom. Maybe Nessie needed the stability that only a family could offer. My dad and Billy would be good, stable male role models. She'd have fresh air and clean water and a close-knit community to watch out for her.

There was one glaring omission, of course. She wouldn't have Edward. _We _wouldn't have Edward. I didn't know how to quantify those losses and gains, so I temporarily tried to put it all out of my mind. As unbelievable as it all sounded, I had more immediate troubles to consider. I'd agreed to spend the day at Billy's house.

I had no doubt that Rachel and Rebecca would be there. And I had no idea what made Rebecca hate me yesterday. Not to mention, I still hadn't decided whether I'd tell Billy about Jake and I. And then, to top it all off, my dad was frying bacon when I made my way down to the kitchen. The air in first floor was thick with the smell of burnt, smoked pork, and I immediately began to gag.

"You okay, mama?" Ness asked. She was seated on the counter, swinging her legs, with a greasy piece of bacon in each hand, and a smear of grease across her face.

"Uh…"

I needed to get out of there. My new aversion to meat was dramatic and overpowering. It reminded me too much of sun-baked, dead flesh.

"Hey, Bells, you're looking pale again, baby," my dad observed. "Sit down. I just made some coffee."

_Jesus_! _Again, with the coffee_?

"No, dad," … and like a godsend, or an Edward-send, I remembered what was packed in that little, blue carry-on care package. "I think I'm going to go for a quick run, instead."

I don't know if I'd ever moved faster than I did to get out of that little pork-scented house. And for the first time in as long as I could remember, I wasn't running away from James. The bacon and coffee was motivation enough. I hadn't exercised enough, lately either. My leg had been bothering me for more than a week, but I'd pushed those concerns aside. I'd blamed work, and Ness's new school, and Jake's disappearance, and then my own depression. But the truth was that I'd pushed everything aside when Edward came into my life. I hadn't been taking care of myself any more than I'd been taking care of anything else.

The difference between running back in Philly and running in Western Washington was stark. Here, the ground under my feet was soft and covered with pine needles. Wet evergreen fronds whipped at my arms as I ran by. I jumped over fallen branches and stones instead of over piles of trash. I saw flashes of whitetail deer, and bald eagles soared overhead.

And everything that seemed so locked up inside me before, settled and evened out in a way. Jake was still dead, Edward was still gone, but it wasn't something dark and dead inside. Any of the holes that had been punched through my heart were at least full of fresh, clean air.

Then, I broke through the dense, moss covered cedars into the clearing at Tom Creek Meadows, and an errant ray of sunshine broke through the clouds. I paused, and breathed, and listened to the gurgling of the Hoh River as it passed somewhere nearby, and it felt good to simply be alive to see it all. I had the urgent need to bring Ness back to that spot someday soon, before we left, because it was beautiful, and perfect. There were still beautiful and perfect things out there. Like the meadow, like Ness… I wished that what I'd had with Edward could have been added to that list. I'd settle for his letter. It was beautiful and perfect too.

I sat down on the damp mossy ground and pulled the paper out of my pocket. I never would have remembered to bring my running shoes if it weren't for him. I was here in this clearing because of him. I needed to thank him, and I added that to my own mental list of things to do.

xXxXx

By the time I ran home, the air and my daughter were both bacon-free. And after some tea and toast, I showered and hummed that piano song Edward added to the little silver iPod, as I listened to Ness playing with my old Barbie dream house. It was only after I'd turned off the water that I could hear her voice come clearly through the thin walls. Skipper and Ken had become Little Bell and Ewoord.

"I don't hate you a lot, Ewoord. I sorry."

"That's okay, Little Bell. I love you a lot," Ewoord/Ken replied in Nessie's deepest faux-male voice.

"I lo' you too, Ewoord. Even if you not my daddy."

xXxXx

"And then there was that time that you two told me you were going with Charlie to the shooting range, and you told Charlie you were going with me to my doctor's appointment."

"Billy, don't tell that story. You'll give Ness ideas."

"This little one already has ideas. Don't you, little muskrat?"

"I got ideas, Grandpa Billy," Ness giggled.

"See, Isabella? So, instead of the shooting range or the doctor's office, these two rode their bikes to the cliffs just off the highway. It seems a bunch of boys your mom went to school with had been talking big in school, saying they liked to cliff dive. Your mom was always one to call a spade a spade, even as a child. No one, and I mean no one, but idiot drunks dove off those cliffs. So, she bet them they wouldn't jump. And these were quite a bit older, from what I hear. Can you imagine, your scrappy little mom? She was always a firecracker.

"Neither of them were allowed out there on the highway or the cliffs, so they lied when they went to make sure the boys followed through with their end of the bet. My Jake, he told me later that he went to protect your mom. He was no bigger than a blade of grass back then. Sweet kid, always on the lookout for Isabella. Well, these older boys, they were all hesitant; hemming and hawing, and your mom, she called it. Demanded her money.

"And you know what they did, muskrat?"

Ness shook her head, hanging on Billy's every word.

"They told her no one would jump those cliffs, ever. They told her it was a stupid bet, and she wasn't getting their money."

"Oh my goodness!" Ness exclaimed. "What did you do, mama?"

"Jake went to push them, I think," Billy answered for me. "Is that right, Isabella?"

"Yeah," I agreed. "But I wouldn't let him."

"Instead, your mom told those boys that anyone with a real pair would jump the cliffs."

"That's not exactly what I said, Billy."

"A pair of what, Grandpa Billy?" Ness asked.

I laughed, "Are you going to answer that, Billy? Because I'm not going near it."

"Testicles, little girl."

"What tet-sicles are?"

"All good men have a pair of them."

"Oh." Ness bit her lip and stared at the ground and I knew she was trying to puzzle where good men might keep their two testicles.

"And as I was saying, your mom bet them double or nothing she could jump."

"You jumped, mama?" Ness eyed me with wonder.

"I did. But Jake did everything he could to stop me. He threatened to get Grandpa and his gun!"

"And his gun?" she echoed.

"Yep. And when Jake realized there was no way he could physically stop me, that's just what he did. He ran in the other direction as fast as he could, straight to the gun range. So, I climbed to the top of the cliffs as fast as_ I _could, cause I knew I didn't have much time."

"And in the meantime," Billy continued, "Your grandpa and I, we'd figured out that the kids weren't anywhere they said they were supposed to be. Your grandpa was about ready to send out a search party when Jake ran up, screamin' about Isabella and the cliffs.

"We pulled up at the cliffs in your grandpa's cruiser, Jake locked in the back, mind you, screaming "Bells! Don't do it!" at the top of his little lungs. As if she could hear," Billy chuckled, shaking his head. "And what do we see on top of those rocky slabs, but a little slip of a girl, brown hair blowing straight back from her face! One look at us, and she takes a running leap. Well, Jake went white all over, and for someone with Jake's complexion, you know how hard that must have been. Your grandpa damn near shit himself."

"Billy!" I admonished.

"He almost pooped in his drawers, muskrat," Billy amended.

But Ness was already rolling on the floor, laughing. Poop did it to her every time.

"And that's the way it always was with these two. Isabella running full speed ahead, like she was driven, like she had something to prove. And my Jake was always there, making sure she was safe in the meantime, no matter that he was some years younger. Isn't that right, Isabella?"

"Yeah. That was Jake," I agreed, my voice cracking.

He was always looking out for me, saving me when it really meant something.

"But it wasn't just one way, either. My Jake… Isabella valued him. When he was little, she was part mama to him. But when they grew, that age difference didn't mean as much. Still, it was your mama that got Jake to college. First man in my family ever to step foot into an institution of higher learning. And it was all Isabella's doing.

"She looked out for that boy like a mama bear. I was always grateful to her, seeing as how Jake didn't have a mom. Neither did Isabella so much, but she was mom enough for both of them. I was so sad when Jake left us. But I knew he was following his heart. And Jake and your mom were together like that until the very end."

And that's when I knew that I had to tell Billy. I couldn't let him think I was someone that I wasn't.

"Billy, I want to talk about the time before Jake… was killed." I tried not to cry.

"Did you ever see the ring?" Billy asked. "Did you know? He wanted to make it special."

"I did. I mean _he _did. But -"

"Hey dad, time for your meds," Rachel said as she peeked into the living room. Rachel was the quiet sister. She'd been a little too quiet all day, if you asked me, but people reacted differently to grief. Who was I to judge? Apparently I reacted by crying for weeks and constantly throwing up.

"Hey, muskrat, you ever check your blood sugar?" Billy asked Ness.

"No, I not."

"You want to try it?"

Ness nodded her head and Billy motioned for her to jump onto his lap. "Then hop aboard, little lady."

Rachel held the kitchen door open for her dad and Ness, and then joined me in the living room. "Could you come outside for a minute, Bella?" she asked, smiling stiffly.

"Uh, yeah, sure."

It was raining, of course. No one would invite someone out into the rain in Philly. Only fours years away from the rest of my life, and already I wasn't used to the idea. I stuck close to the house, hoping the eaves would save me from some of the wetness.

"You were about to tell him, weren't you?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"We know, Bella. Leah called Rebecca as soon as she found out Jake was dead – she found out from the police, and not from you, by the way. Not cool."

"You know." I sank back on my heels.

"You were having an affair behind my brother's back," Rachel clarified, as the rain mixed with her tears. She wiped both from her face. "He moved his life, left his family, loved you to bits, and you cheated on him."

"It wasn't exactly like that."

"Does it really make a difference if I left out a couple of details?"

I shook my head. "No," I muttered, looking at my feet. "Who else knows?"

"Me, Rebecca and Leah."

"That's it?"

"Will running your name through the mud help my brother?"

"But, Billy. He thinks -"

"He thinks my brother died happy. He thinks of you as family. My father's dying, Bella. Are you going to ruin things for him, just like you did for Jake? Are you that selfish?"

"But I don't deserve his kindness."

"You know my father, Bella. He'd still be kind, even if he knew. His heart would just be that much more broken. If you have a guilty conscience, don't play my dad like he's your god. Let him see Jake in you. Let him love your girl like she's Jake's. Maybe that can be your penance: his love that you don't deserve."

"He's not doing well, then? Diabetes?"

"And congestive heart failure, and his kidneys are beginning to fail."

"Rachel, I'm sorry."

"Don't, Bella, okay? Because I don't care anymore if you're sorry. After he's gone, don't worry your pretty little head about us back here in La Push. Rachel and I don't need you like my brother thought he did. You can go your way and we'll… well, we'll stay right here, like we always have. For generations, until you came along."

xXxXx

After that talk with Rachel, I couldn't stomach staying in their house much longer. I hugged Billy goodbye under Rachel's cautious glare, and his eyes teared up as he mentioned seeing me at the funeral the next day.

Ness was disappointed that Rachel's kids weren't around at all. I had no doubt that I was to blame for that. I didn't know if Nessie would ever play with Rebecca's kids again. To distract her from the mounting losses in her life, I pointed out the cliff that I'd jumped off of when I was a kid.

"Jake pratected you, mama?"

"He always tried to, baby. He was a really good guy, and that's something good guys do."

"But… but who's gonna pratect you now?"

"We can look out for each other."

"But I little. I can't do it," Ness whined from the backseat, kicking her feet for emphasis.

"And I'm big, Ness. Between me and the police and our neighbors and friends..."

"But Jake still died forever! He wasn't old an he wasn't sick and he can't save you no more, mama."

"Baby, I don't need saving. I'm going to be just fine, I promise."

"Mama, I not want you to die, too. Or to go away, like Ewoord. Then I have to live in our house alone, and I be scared. There could be monsters, or lions, or bad mans with guns that could shoot me."

"Baby -"

"Can you not die, _pa-lease_?" Ness begged. She sounded close to tears, and so was I.

"I'll try not to, Ness."

It was the best I could offer. But her fears shook me to my core. James was Nessie's biological father. He'd started to pay child support, and he'd filed for joint custody. He'd get her, wouldn't he?

I started sweating and shaking, suddenly more certain of my own mortality than I'd ever been before. The story of Edward's childhood flashed through my mind: he'd had a dead mother and an abusive father… and he'd ended up living on the street. I remembered all the times James not so subtly put me down, the backhanded compliments that gradually stripped me of my confidence, the small pushes, and the cold shoulders.

Ness could _not_ end up with him. She wouldn't. I had to make sure of it.

And even if I kept her away from James, what would she be left with? My student debt? I had a little money saved up, but not enough to live on. No, this needed to be settled. I needed to take care of Ness, not just for now, but for forever.

I didn't have to think long and hard to figure out where she should go: my dad, of course. But my heart said different. I knew who Nessie wanted as a parent. I could fool myself and say that it was just her current daddy obsession that fueled her desire. But she'd lived with Jake for four years and she'd never begged for him to be her daddy. He was her Jake. Always.

But there were hearts, and then there were hard facts. Edward wasn't anyone to Ness in the eyes of the law. My dad was. I needed to provide for my little girl when I was gone. I needed to make sure she was safe.

So, I shut myself up in my room as soon as we got home, and luckily Aminah took my call, immediately. My aim was clear. Fuck joint custody; I needed to find a way to terminate James' parental rights. And I needed a will, and I wanted to make sure Ness had something of her own in case I was gone.

xXxXx

As usual, it was gray and green and wet the morning of the funeral. The faint white glow that sufficed for sunshine hung at the horizon, where it would linger on and off until next summer. Nessie skipped and splashed from the house to my dad's truck in her oversized rain jacket and boots, humming Chopin. She was under the impression she'd successfully snuck Edward's iPod into her pocket. But she snuck with all the subtlety of Chaplin in one of those cheesy old black and white films. Anyway, I didn't have the heart to tell her to leave it at home. In fact, if it hadn't been wildly inappropriate I would have brought along my own little silver iPod. I took the bottle of Ativan and Edward's note, instead.

I was worried. After my talk with Rachel, just going to the memorial in the first place felt wildly inappropriate. No matter that Jake had been my friend forever, my most recent actions seemed to outweigh all of that.

I popped an Ativan as soon as I had Ness strapped into her seat.

"Mecidine?" she whispered.

I nodded and held her little hand in mine. She passed me one of the ear buds to her iPod. "It helps me a feel better," she explained.

I kissed her cheek and closed my eyes, and let Edward's mom help the Ativan along. My stomach lurched with every bump my dad's truck went over, and there were a lot of bumps on the road to First Beach. Ness seemed to understand and clasped my hand tighter.

Nessie's hand and Elizabeth's piano kept me sane, until my mind went fuzzy at the edges, until my sadness took flight and fog settled around me. Nessie's voice blended with the notes of the concerto and the hum of the truck's engine. My stomach settled and my limbs went numb… all except for that hand that held that held onto my little rock, my daughter.

_Don't worry, Ness. Mama's finally taking care of you. _

We were there too soon. I squeezed my eyes closed, dimly hoping that would prevent it all from happening, that I could just press it all into blackness. But, instead, I heard my dad and Lynne climb out of the car, I heard Nessie struggle to unclasp her restraints.

"Pumpkin?" my dad asked, opening my door for me.

Churning gray water rolled and crashed onto the rocky beach, and little kids played around the surf. A small gathering of dark haired and dark clad individuals huddled further in from the shore around a small red canoe. More people walked in their general direction, and cars were steadily pulling up, one by one. All of Forks and La Push would be there.

Billy had called first thing this morning to let me know that Ness and I were welcome at the tribal ceremonies afterwards. If anyone could find a way for an exception to be made to the tribal rules, it would have been Billy.

But there was no way I could consent to that. Whatever Billy's good intentions, I'd made it clear to Jake before he died that I didn't want to be his wife. I'd drawn a line in the sand with Ness and I on one side, and Jake on the other. We weren't family, and if we were there it would be an insult, not just to Jake and his sisters, but also to all of their ancestors.

"_No, Billy. I appreciate the thought, but it wouldn't be right."_

"_He loved you like his own, Isabella."_

"_Sometimes love isn't enough, Billy." _

It was something I was learning the hard way.

Nessie clutched one of my hands and my dad hung his arm over my shoulders as we picked our way down the beach. I kept my eyes on the ground. People whispered, but I didn't listen. Every so often someone would pat my shoulder, or murmur something to my dad. I'd nod.

I was wet and shivering, and oddly, the rhythmic crashing of the waves brought on seasickness, and my legs wobbled and my stomach rolled. I took large gulps of salty air and planted my feet firmly on the ground. I couldn't go any further.

Ness dropped my hand and bolted as soon as she spotted Rebecca's kids. As I lifted my face from the rocky sand to watch her go, I caught sight of Leah, her arms around Rebecca, and both women glared in my direction. Rachel stood just off to the side, and she couldn't look at me at all. I understood their feelings. They didn't make me angry; it wasn't an injustice. They hadn't told a soul, they hadn't even told Billy. They simply hated me. I understood.

I could try to talk to them and make a scene. I could tell them that I loved Jacob, and that I hadn't wanted to break his heart. I could tell them that I held on as long as I did because I tried to love him the way he loved me.

But it didn't make a difference, and I knew it. Because I still hated him while he was floating in the river, dead. I still fell in love with someone else before he even left. I'd lost sight of myself and my morals - all for Edward. And even now, my body was a traitor, because if I was honest with myself, I still wanted him back.

I was never the kind of girl you'd call a dreamer. When I was a kid, I never had fantasies of being swept off my feet by a prince. But this time, this once, I thought that Edward was my chance at a dream. I made up an elaborate fantasy, and then it came true. I took it as a sign that true love would conquer all, or something equally as naïve.

"Thank you all for coming," the elder began.

And, goddamn it to hell, I was supposed to be thinking about Jake. I started quietly crying, and my dad hugged me closer. Everyone around us quieted, except for the kids playing off in the distance. The sun even almost peeked out from the clouds.

"Since the dawn of time, this beach has meant so much to our people. It has provided sustenance and protection, and has served as a place to congregate in times of joy and sadness. Jacob spent many joyful days here as a boy, with his friends and his family. He was a surfer, and he scared his family nearly senseless running out into the foggiest of storms, never afraid of the undertow or the looming rocks surrounding him. His father, Billy Black, warned Jacob on many occasions to beware when he took to these waves.

"It is with sad irony, that Jacob lost his life in much calmer waters.

"But in water, it is appropriate.

"Lift your heads to A-Ka-Lat, the resting place of our chiefs."

I gazed out across the water to see the jagged outcropping of tree-topped rocks on the nearest little island to shore. Jacob's family had told me stories about that island for as far back as I could remember.

"Our people brought our dead chiefs across the water to bury them atop those rocky cliffs. From those peaks, they watch their people, so that they might protect us always. And Jacob, may he go to water, may he always look out and protect his loved ones.

"Many years later, our people sent our loved ones that had passed out to sea in a canoe. They returned to their origins, for the water means life and water means death. Jacob, may he go to water, and find peace in the cycle of life and death.

"And so that his family and friends might find peace, we replicate that ceremony today. Let us fill this canoe with Jacob's memories. Let us send something home with Jacob's spirit, so that he doesn't travel alone, and so that you will always be with him."

One at a time, individuals filed past the little red canoe. I'd known this was coming, and I'd found so many little pieces of Jake in my room at my dad's house: cards, books he'd given me, CDs, pictures of the two of us. But I couldn't give them away. Like Edward had written, it was too soon to let go. However, when I'd opened my bottom desk drawer, I finally found something I'd always been willing to give to Jake.

I shrunk back from Leah and Jake's sisters as I walked up to the little canoe. But Billy reached for my hand, and my dad let go of me to half-carry, half-push Billy's wheelchair through the sand. The canoe was already filled almost to overflowing with flowers. I spotted a pretty arrangement from Fairmount Family Medicine, and another that simply said that it was from The Cullens. But it was the other items: the many pictures, the football, the old pair of sunglasses, the torn flannel shirt, the menu from the diner in town. Those were the pieces of Jake that I resisted the urge to sweep up into my arms and run away with.

But instead, I knelt down and placed a small pile of lime lollipops on top of the flannel, then wrapped the shirt protectively around them.

"The lollipops," Billy mumbled, before placing a picture of Jake and his mom in the canoe.

"To connect this world to the other, to keep him in our memories, and keep ourselves with him on his journey, we will raise a pyre on A-Ka-Lat." And two men set out in the little canoe to the tiny island.

People began milling around. Lynne hung by my side, as Charlie helped Billy back to stable ground.

"I can't imagine how hard this must be for you," Lynne remarked.

"This kind of hurt shouldn't count, Lynne. I loved him, and I've known him forever. But I broke up with him and broke his heart and started seeing someone else, like three hours later. The hurt that I feel doesn't matter. It's hurt for the wrong reasons. And it's probably selfish of me to have even come here."

Lynne had no idea what to say to that, and settled on smiling kindly, before sinking her hands into her coat pockets and peering into the mist at the receding canoe.

"I'm sorry, Lynne."

"And I'm sorry your dad didn't tell you about us."

"My dad and I… I guess neither of us are the best communicators."

"That's putting it mildly," Lynne muttered, and I smiled. "He keeps everything under wraps, you know? Even his emotions. I had to tell the man that he liked me."

"It's pretty obvious," I assured her.

"To everyone but him," she said with a chuckle. She pushed her blonde-gray hair out of her eyes to get a look at my dad. The wind flattened his dress pants against his backside. Damn, she was checking out my dad's butt.

Luckily, my attention was distracted by Nessie charging past us giggling and screaming, chased by a gaggle of little boys with long black hair. "You can't get me!" she called out in her singsong voice before promptly falling face first into the sand.

I picked her up and brushed her off, and she was off again, with the boys in tow.

"It's nice that they have kids here," Lynne said.

"It's nice that they can run. Ness could never have sat still in a funeral home."

The idea of Nessie staying put brought to mind my birthday, and Nessie sitting in a fancy seat at a table full of fine china, her hands folded in her lap. Nessie still hadn't breathed a word of their bribe.

I shook my head and I tried to focus on the present. I was in La Push, honoring my friend. The least I could do was keep Edward out of my mind for five minutes straight. Edward. I still hadn't thanked him for the care package.

"With practice, though, he's getting better at letting me in."

"What?" I asked Lynne.

"Emotions and communicating, feeling more comfortable letting himself love."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean." All I could think about was Edward. I'd said nearly the same thing to him once.

"Your dad. Practice. If he can do it, then you can get better at it too."

"Thanks, Lynne."

A murmur went up from the crowd, followed by hushed silence, as orange flames materialized on A-Ka-Lat. It was Jake's funeral pyre. Of course, he wasn't actually being burned; it was just the canoe and his memories. And softly, tentatively, a rocking and rhythmic melody joined with the sounds of the surf. Long, clicking words and phrases wound around the crowd. The song grew louder as more native speakers joined in, and the orange flames grew, glowing bright against the gray sky and waves, framed by the deep green of the cedars.

"_Nice. Bella Swan doesn't want me to die!"_

I still didn't want him to die.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob," I whispered. "I'm really, really sorry."

xXxXx

"Mama, I found it!" Ness yelled, running to catch up to me.

"What, baby?"

"It's a d-, a Ewoord rock," she said, holding the large, flat purple rock out for me to inspect.

"Oh. It's a nice rock."

"Take it, mama. For the other rocks at home to have." I placed it in my palm, feeling its weight and unusual warmth.

"Should we get another Jake rock?" I asked. I'd packed Jake's rock with his other belongings after he's disappeared. His things were all currently property of the Philadelphia police, or potential evidence, or whatever. I hadn't been able to send any of it back to his family yet.

"No," she replied, scrunching her little forehead. "Jake's dead, mama."

I gasped, Nessie looked confused. "Baby, he'll always be with us."

"When you die, you die forever," Ness reminded me.

"But we'll keep him in our hearts."

"No, _he_ took pieces of _our_ hearts. Jake broked them, and now they have to get better."

"Is your heart broken, Ness?"

Ness nodded her head as she looked out over the rough surf. "This not like the other beach. The one at Car-isle and Essmee's house is different."

"It's a lot different."

"This beach is Jake's beach," she declared with some certainty. "Our beach is a other one."

"Jake and I spent a lot of time here on this beach when we were growing up."

Ness rolled her eyes in a gesture I associated almost exclusively with Edward when he was exasperated. "I know that!"

"Can I have both beaches, Ness?"

"I think you have to pick one, mama."

I sat down on a driftwood log and raked my free hand through the rocks. I spotted a small, pale green rock, almost perfectly round, and plucked it up off the ground and dropped it into my pocket, next to Edward's letter. Maybe something bigger than me had already picked.

After almost a week at my dad's house, it was time to go. I was frankly frightened. I hadn't heard from the police, and I didn't know if they were still trying to pin things on me. I was about to see James for the first time in more than four years, and he was going to try to get his hands on my baby. And there was so much to do with the house. But most of all, there was Edward. What the hell would he say when he heard what I had to tell him?

I had no idea.

* * *

**A/N:** TPoL is currently up for several awards in two different contests! I'd love it if you would take the time to cast your vote:

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Thanks for sticking with TPoL through the rough times. Thanks for all of the reviews! (Almost done responding). Thanks for all the recommendations, and for pimping it, ladies! Thanks to all my fb girls for their support. Thanks to Lindz and Fuzzyltlwingedthing, my editorial staff, lol.

For my readers from the U.S., **Happy Thanksgiving**... Until next week, XXX, M


	29. Chapter 26

**EPOV**

"Fuck!"

Jake's truck was a black and charred pile of metal on a cracked slab of concrete behind a vacant factory on the waterfront in Trenton, New Jersey. It still smelled faintly like burned electrical wires and rubber. The concrete was blackened from the fire. My hopes for finding evidence along with the truck plummeted.

"You're fucking sure this is it?" I asked Alec. "I don't see any plates."

"They were pulled. And the VIN on the dash was scratched out too." Alec circled the thing, looking a little too proud.

"This is shit, Alec. It could be anything."

"No, no… check it out." He held up his finger and nodded his head toward the rear of the car. "The accelerant was used up by the engine. Makes sense. But dude, this model, they've got the VIN stamped back here too, in the rear wheel well. Not as much damage back here. Check it out."

We both knelt on the damp and dirty ground and Alec whipped out one of those miniature flashlights. He aimed the light behind the melted tire, and there was a set of numbers, clear as fucking day.

"You're sure?" I asked.

"A match is a match. This is Jacob Black's motherfuckin' truck, right here, man. In _Trenton_."

I stood up and stepped back to survey the thing, like I might find Jacob's story written on the charred metal.

"Have you touched anything, Alec?"

He snorted derisively. "You think I'm some kind of amateur? No way, man."

"Sorry," I offered as I glanced into one of the blown-out windows. If there _had_ been any evidence inside, it would take some serious forensic work to figure that shit out. And if I knew anything about police investigations, I knew it wasn't even close to that shit they showed on T.V. If CSI managed to get themselves over here before the cops fucked it all up, chances are that the charred remains of whatever was inside would sit on a shelf for years before it ever made it's way across the river to Philadelphia.

"Yeah, not gonna find anything in there, Edward. But, shit, a truck's a truck. It's fucking _something_."

He was right. It was the first piece of serious evidence we'd found. And it confirmed my fucking hunch.

"The fucker did it, didn't he?" Alec asked, mirroring my thoughts. "James Hunter, huh?"

"We'll fucking see, Alec. What about the ring?"

Alec shook his head. "Nothing. Can't say I've been to every pawnshop in town, and can't say the fuckers that run those places would help me, even if Hunter had been there. But I didn't see it. Nothing that looked even close."

"Well, we've got the fucking car. It's a start. But check the rest of the shops, okay? I've got a fucking feeling about that thing." The ring was a long shot from the beginning, but I couldn't let it go yet.

"Shouldn't take me more than a couple days with the truck out of the way. We're on this now, Edward. We're fucking making this shit happen, you know?"

"I guess I am."

I tried not to sound too smug as I left a message for Detective Donovan and watched a rat skitter along the foundation of the abandoned warehouse. The calm, gray water of the Delaware rolled by the trash and the weeds that dotted the shore. This lost fucking space held the first clue to what had happened to Jacob Black. I just hoped the fucking cops could follow through for once.

After the detective, I placed a call to Jenk's man, Maxim, and asked him to take a break and meet me while I waited for the detective's call. Maxim had been assigned to tail Hunter. Trenton wasn't big. Maxim pulled up in his non-descript black sedan in about five minutes.

"Routine, man," Maxim explained, as he leaned against the hood of his car, a cigarette held between his lips. "Hunter's all about routine. He turns on his lights, same time every day. He goes to work, same time every day. He goes to lunch, same time, same _place_, every day. He comes home -"

"Same time every day," I cut in.

"Yes, routine. Like, _scary_ routine, maybe," Maxim offered after taking a drag from his cigarette.

"And that's it?"

Maxim shrugged. "I can give you details: clothing, times, exact locations. Where he purchases his gasoline. What he eats for lunch. I have photos. But there's been nothing unusual. Well, outside of one trip -"

"Yeah?" I asked, getting my hopes up.

"One trip to volunteer at a, what do you call it… a soup kitchen."

"A soup kitchen? Are you fucking kidding me?" Hunter probably read to blind monks on the weekends.

"It's in my log," Maxim answered without a hint of irony.

"That was a rhetorical question."

He shrugged again, and dropped his cigarette butt to the wet and blackened pavement, where he stomped it out. "There is maybe one thing, or two things… that are missing."

"Missing?"

"He's supposed to have a wife and a child, yes?"

"They're not there?"

"I haven't seen them," Maxim said, fishing another cigarette and a lighter out of his breast pocket.

"You haven't _seen_ them, or they're not there? There's a difference."

"I follow Mr. Hunter like I was asked. Maybe I miss them every time they leave. But it's not likely."

"Where the fuck did they go?"

"I don't know. You want me to look for them?"

"No, no. Follow Hunter. Do what you've been doing. I've got someone else that can look for the wife and kid." Felix didn't have shit to do now that Bella had left for Forks. I'd give him some time to sleep, but after that, we had to find this woman. I was about to ring Felix, when Detective Donovan called me back personally.

"_Mr. Masen?"_

"Detective, seems it's about time you got your ass to Trenton."

"_I don't have time for your games, Masen. I have hotel security videos to review."_

"And I've got Jacob Black's truck in Trenton. Burned to a fucking crisp, I might add."

"_Excuse me? _ You_ have Mr. Black's truck?"_

"My man found it a couple hours ago."

"_Then I suppose he's the one that drove it up to Trenton and set it on fire?"_

"Jesus Christ, detective, get the fuck up here. This shit looks like it was burned over a week ago, and it's been rained on since. If you listened to either Bella or myself in the first place, maybe you would have found this shit yourselves. I'll wait here for your sorry ass, just to make sure you actually come and follow-up on the lead like you're lawfully required to do."

"_I'm not above making you wait, Mr. Masen."_

"I kind of fucking figured that already, detective."

I sent Maxim and Alec on their way. There was no need to get them involved with the cops, too. I sat on the hood of my car, watching the river churning against the shore, watching the garbage barges drifting by, watching seagulls picking at trash in the lot. Wondering what the fuck brought Jacob's truck to this wasteland.

I walked circles around the heap. I fanned out, looking for, I don't know, blood splatters or bullets or shell casings. But I was no fucking detective and I didn't see anything suspicious. Well, aside from the charred wreckage of a truck - the only piece of Jacob Black left in the area.

His property had been packed up by Bella and confiscated by the cops; his body was probably just arriving in Washington, and now this. In just a couple weeks he'd been wiped from the face of the fucking earth. I'd started out doing this for Bella, to clear her name and mine, so that we could be together. But I found myself feeling responsible to Jacob as well. He didn't fucking deserve this shit. No man did.

xXxXx

It was about two hours before any form of law enforcement made its way to the burnt remains of Jacob's truck. It took all of five minutes for me to give my statement, and another thirty seconds for them to shoo me the fuck out of there. As I was leaving, police officers from Trenton, detectives from Philadelphia, and a tow-truck crew were arguing over jurisdiction. At least I'd fucking got them there, out of fucking Philadelphia and out of Bella's shit.

On my way back to Philly, I got a call from Jenks and I asked him to meet me at my hotel room. It turns out he'd come through with Jake's phone records after all. I couldn't wait to get my hands on them, but after spending half a day in a dirty lot, my hands, as well as the rest of my body, were fucking filthy, and I smelled like I'd been cooking meth or some shit. I needed to shower, and I took full advantage of the fact that Jenks ran late as a rule.

As the steam began to fill the small hotel bathroom, I felt a little high. Maybe from the burnt rubber fumes, but more likely because I felt like it was all finally fucking coming together.

And I'll fucking admit it: for the first time since Bella's birthday, water, tiles and soap translated into something more than a shower. I was doing something real to get Bella back. This shit with Jake was going to end, and we would fix the other stuff: Ness, custody, and our jobs... We'd fucking fix it, because that's what Bella and I both did. She fixed people for a living. And I was fixing this crap that had fallen into our laps.

We may have been three thousand miles apart, but I felt closer to her in that moment than I'd felt since she'd asked me to leave.

I could almost imagine a future where she'd be with me in a shower, where she'd be in my bed. In _my _fucking bed, not Jake's. It wasn't fucking hopeless because I believed in the both of us, separately and together. I don't know when exactly I'd begun believing in myself, but there it fucking was. It was a fucking revelation. I felt almost… good.

Almost good enough to give into my body, to fucking imagine pressing Bella against slippery shower tiles, to imagine soap suds on her perky tits, to remember the way she'd pressed her tight little ass against me in the shower just a couple weeks ago, to remember the little sounds and soft breaths caught in her throat as I'd fucked her.

So yeah, maybe I looked a little too relaxed and satisfied when I'd opened the door to let Jenks in. Maybe it was just the wet hair and the bathrobe, maybe it was the dirty clothing strewn around the room, or the breakfast debris on the little table. But the dude looked a little scared to just walk through the fucking door.

"Jacob Black's car was a burnt shell and I smelled like shit," I elaborated, trying to explain away my appearance.

"From your office in a suit to a hotel room in a robe. Big changes in such a short span of time, Edward," Jenks observed with a nervous smirk as he sat tentatively on the edge of the bed. I quickly moved the shit that had piled up on the one chair in the room, but Jenks stayed where he was and I sat myself down.

Jenks pulled a stack of papers from his briefcase and handed them to me. "Most recent on the top."

"So, these are all incoming?" I asked, scrutinizing the long list of phone numbers, dates, hours, and minutes in my hands.

"He hasn't been making any outgoing calls lately. Those exchanges are all from western Washington. Looks like his family was worried."

They'd called repeatedly up to the morning Jacob's body had been found. I flipped to the next page, and that's when I saw Bella's number, over and over again. It probably should have hurt to see how many times she'd called. Chances are, a couple of weeks ago it would have thrown me into a tailspin, and I would have taken it as evidence that I should give up on her, or something. But these days my reactions weren't my own, and instead, Bella's calls just stood there on the page as evidence of her heart. I liked her more because of it.

And then, abruptly, she'd stopped calling; she'd chosen me. Granted, maybe Bella chose me because her dead boyfriend wasn't calling her back. But the choice was made. I held the proof in my hands.

I put the papers down and took a sip of cold coffee. I wasn't presently capable of gleaning anything from Jake's phone records, except irrelevant emotional insights. I traced Bella's cell phone number with my fingertip.

"I can't concentrate, Jenks. What the hell does this shit say to you?"

"Well, it says your girlfriend didn't know the kid was dead, and neither did his family, or his place of work. It says his cable bill is past due, because they keep calling, even now. And it says he didn't call anyone after seven p.m. on Tuesday, September fourth. He checked his voicemail on the fifth, but there are no signs of life after that.

"Any calls to Trenton exchanges before he disappeared?"

"Nope. There's a call to a limo company, a couple of numbers out in Washington State, then nothing."

"Shit, I thought we'd get more from this."

"Maybe the cops will. I sent detective Donovan a copy, just in case he hadn't gotten a hold of one for himself, yet. I used my highlighter to help him along."

"Jenks, thanks, man. I would have done that."

He shrugged. "You've stuck your neck out enough. _I _have no problem with the cops. Now, those other guys you're working with, they're a different story."

"Felix and Alec are good people."

"Maybe yes, maybe no. But if you want to get yourself back to work at a respectable firm, maybe you should keep better company."

"Not even on my fucking radar, Jenks. But, thanks for this, man."

I let Jenks out and spent some time with my new, hard evidence. Evidence that as devastating as it fucking was, Jake was never fucking coming back. Evidence that his death left Bella free to devote herself to me. And evidence that given about a week, she'd made her choice. I held the numbers in my hands like I was some stupid lovesick teenager clutching a romance novel, taking a breather before the last chapter, hoping against fucking hope that there was going to be a happily ever after.

xXxXx

I didn't usually eat at steakhouses, but the invitation from Judge O'Connor was so unexpected that I agreed to meet him there out of simple fucking curiosity. The man seemed to hate me a little more every time I won a case in his courtroom. After practically forcing him against his will to agree to Garrett's emancipation, I definitely wasn't expecting an invite to lunch at the fanciest fucking restaurant in the city.

The steakhouse he'd chosen was in this old bank building that had stood vacant forever. But they'd restored the place to all of its old grandeur, and all of the marble, dark wood and ridiculously high ceilings gave it an appropriately sophisticated air. Chances are that even Esme would have had to pull some strings to get a reservation on such short notice.

The maitre de eyed me warily, but Judge O'Connor's name got me a reluctant escort to a table near the back.

Judge O'Connor greeted me with a strong handshake and a warm smile. He was a lot happier than the last time we'd met. "Mr. Masen, good to see you. Thanks for joining me."

"Judge O'Connor. I was confused enough by the invitation that I found it hard to turn down."

The judge chuckled as he took his seat. "You're always quite matter of fact, aren't you, Masen?"

I didn't fucking know how to answer that, so I sat down and glanced at the menu instead, wondering if I could find a meatless salad in a steakhouse.

"So, Masen, should we get to know one another? Perhaps we could talk about the weather," the judge suggested with a smirk. He knew I was uncomfortable, and I think he was pretty fucking pleased to have the upper hand.

"It's turning cold," I answered, making sure to look him in the eye.

The judge chuckled again and picked up his own menu. A waiter came by to take our drink orders and O'Connor raised his eyebrows when I stuck with my glass of water. Fuck if I was going to sit there and look like some dietary freak, drinking a glass of water and eating a side salad, while judge O'Connor laughed at me over a bloody steak.

"Listen, Judge, I don't drink and I don't eat meat. Instead of sitting here hungry, pretending to care about your opinion on the fall foliage, why don't you just cut to the chase and tell me why you asked me to lunch. Because I know for a fact you can't stand having me in your courtroom."

O'Connor laughed outright at that. "You never disappoint, Masen. Fine, I'll get to it then. That was quite a stunt you pulled in court the other day with the boy, Gavin."

"Garrett."

"Garrett, right. Yes, quite a stunt. Emancipation. Jesus."

I was still surprisingly conflicted enough about Garrett's new status as an emancipated minor that I felt my swagger crumbling. "I don't know what to say, Judge O'Connor."

"Well, I do. And perhaps I could call you Edward and you could call me Sheldon?"

"Sure, _Sheldon_," I smirked, thinking that with his glasses and geeky name, Sheldon wouldn't have survived five minutes eating lunch with me and my friends back in high school.

"Good, Edward. Now, your little organization has quite the reputation around the courthouse. You work diligently to keep budding, petty criminals out of prison, and helpless children out of the system. The very children that need our social safety net the most."

I placed my napkin on the table and started to stand to my feet. "I'm sorry, _Sheldon_, but I didn't come here to -"

"Edward, please sit down. I get it; you're a rebel dressed in a suit that knows his way around the law. You use your knowledge and your smart mouth to try to 'eff' up the system."

"I actually say fuck, sir. _Fuck _the system."

"And why not, Edward? The system is… well, in your vernacular, the system is shit."

I decided to sit and hear him out after he swore. Sheldon looked pleased as he continued. "Do you know how many street kids I see in that courtroom that are honestly helped by being thrown into foster care, or worse, juvenile detention? And there's no fucking money for any of it, and there's precious little accountability when something goes wrong. But that doesn't mean that I think those children are better served living on the streets. Drug use, prostitution, gang violence… can you really say that they are actually autonomous out there, or that they are better off?"

"First of all, I make every effort to get them into a safe and secure environment. Secondly, the children that my organization helps want to be responsible for themselves. They want to have a say in their own lives, and I believe they have that right. In fact, I think the law allows for that right."

"Fair enough. Which is why I've asked you here. Edward, what you did for that boy, Garrett, is more than I've seen the system do in some time. Before your organization, that boy was a delinquent. But now he's a strong, confident young man, with a good head on his shoulders and an honest shot at a college education, if he wanted one. What you did there was meaningful, it was more than lawyering; it was life-changing."

I twiddled my fingers in my lap. None of that made me feel any better about sending Garrett off to live on his own. I'd had a mental clock running in a corner of my mind, and I was hoping Garrett would show up at legal clinic on Thursday night.

"But it doesn't mean that I approve of your methods," the judge continued. "You can't seriously believe that all of those children out there should be emancipated."

"No, I certainly don't! But I think there's somewhere between foster care, juvie and the streets. There has to be."

"There should be, shouldn't there?"

"I thought you didn't approve of the PLA."

"As it stands now? Diverting children from the system? No, I don't approve."

"I believe strongly in what I do. If you're here to try to get me to give up my work -"

"Word around the courthouse, Edward, is that you didn't exactly give up your work. I believe your day job was actually pulled out from under your feet."

"That wasn't the work I was talking about," I growled.

"Have you looked for employment at any of the other firms?"

"I'm weighing my options."

"Listen, Edward, you're an excellent lawyer. But the fact that you never lose a case has as much to do with your skill as a lawyer as it does with your discretion in picking clients. Am I correct?"

I shrugged, but Sheldon was right. I'd never take a case that I wouldn't win.

"And picking that boy Garrett to work with was more of the same. You have insight into people that allows you to see what they are capable of. You can get close enough to these children to discern who might be ready for limited autonomy and responsibility. If you could replicate what you did for that boy, and if you could do it within the confines of the system, there's not a family court judge in this city that wouldn't get behind you and your organization. Just think, Edward, we could work on the same side."

"How the fuck would that work?"

"You could use the PLA as a starting point, but the organization would have to change. What you did with Garrett involved more than legal help: there was drug counseling, social work, tutoring, employment counseling."

"But give it all of those titles, bring in all of those stuffy, overworked professionals, all with their paperwork and mandates and rules about what they can and can't do, and suddenly it becomes bulky and ineffective."

"Perhaps. What I'm saying is that I would be tickled pink if I could see something like that again, on a consistent basis, and if I could release these young people to something halfway between emancipation and the streets. Somewhere they would actually like to go. Somewhere they could be monitored and protected until they were adults."

"Foster fucking care. For teenagers with a record, nine times out of ten that would mean an institution."

"Perhaps someplace with a little more fostering that also gives the child more responsibility on their end."

"I don't know."

"Of course not. You have to decide if you can make it work first."

I laughed.

"You could make a huge difference in the lives of at-risk youth. I wouldn't have met with you if I didn't think you could do this, if I wasn't excited by the prospect. Come to me when you're ready. Please."

xXxXx

The week was too fucking long. After finding Jacob's wrecked car and phone records, there was no news. James Hunter continued with his eerily unchanging day-to-day routine, Mary Hunter and her daughter were gone without a trace, all pawnshops in Trenton were ringless, and Detective Donovan wouldn't return my fucking calls. Of course, it's not like he had any reason to. But on the plus side, I hadn't been arrested for murder, either. At the very least, maybe I'd cleared our names.

Maybe.

Until I heard that someone, preferably James Hunter, had been arrested for Jake's murder, I wasn't going to sleep. Well, let's fucking face it, until I had Bella's warm body next to mine, I wasn't going to fucking sleep. Bella had been so sure that the answer to my insomnia had something to do with cholesterol, when all along she was the fucking key to that shit.

Without her, I wandered the fucking night thinking about Bella and Little Bell, hoping that they were getting the closure they needed. I hoped they were well while simultaneously wanting them to miss me. I hoped they were safe. Then my thoughts would turn to James and his wife and kid before I'd move on to Garrett and the PLA and Judge Sheldon O'Connor. I found myself in the Southwest by that old condemned house more than I cared to admit. I saw those friends of Garrett's coming and going, and thought about what they were up against as they tried to make sense out of their fucked-up lives by themselves.

But, while I liked the idea of what O'Connor suggested, it was completely beyond me. It would stretch the PLA beyond its current capacity, it would bankrupt myself and my organization, and it would take time. Time that I wanted to devote to Bella, and her daughter, no matter that she was three thousand miles away and apparently didn't want to speak to me. And then my mind would settle on Bella again, and it would work its way through that circular thought pattern again. And again. And again. Fucking OCD.

After a few nights of that shit, I decided that I needed company in order not to drive myself mad, but Alice and Emmett wouldn't return my fucking calls. I guessed that the shit Alice had to field in New York was more complicated than she'd imagined. And as for Emmett, I chalked his silence up to my confrontation with Rose. I didn't blame him, I guess. I _had_ called his girlfriend a bitch - no matter that she fucking deserved it.

I spent one sappy, sweet afternoon with Seth and my ex-assistant, Lauren. Lauren was still looking for another job, and whenever she was in the room, Seth was still looking at no one but Lauren. It did nothing but make me more fucking lonely, and I left early, and found myself on the road to Trenton.

The spot where Jake's truck had been was nothing but an empty burn mark on the concrete. Yellow police tape flapped in the light breeze as the rays of the setting sun shined through scrap metal sending up shadows against the empty warehouse. Of course the truck was fucking gone, but it left me feeling more desolate than I'd been before. I felt like everything was at my fucking fingertips, but I couldn't hold on to it for shit.

I sat on the ground, running my fingers through the blackened flecks of debris, just asking to be coated with that crap all over again. Thoughts of Bella tore at my consciousness, and I mentally berated myself for somehow associating charred pieces of her ex-boyfriend's truck with showers and her wet, nude body.

A long, red hair skittered across the ground and wrapped itself around the toe of my shoe. I looked around, but the lot was obviously empty. The only sound was the water lapping at the dirty shore.

I was fucking grateful when I checked my phone and found a message from Esme asking me to dinner. I hadn't seen my aunt since I'd called her over to Bella's just after Jake died, and I'd been too shocked then to thank her properly. Not to mention, there were a few other questions I'd been turning over in the back of my mind that needed asking.

I rushed back to my little hotel room to shower and get ready, and then spent too long trying to find clean clothes amidst the accumulating clutter. I knew I was outgrowing the small space, but every time I looked through ads for condos or Center City apartments it left me feeling slightly sick. I didn't want to move on alone, even though there was no realistic alternative. The only real estate I was remotely interested in these days could be purchased from the city for back taxes, and was completely unlivable to the point of being dangerous.

I slipped on my jacket, trying to wrap my mind around the difference in cost between radical home restoration and first and last months rent on a studio apartment. With my keys in one hand, I switched off the lights and wrenched open the heavy hotel door with the other, and nearly bumped into Alice in my own doorway.

"Please tell me you're not going to make me go to this thing alone, Big Brother!" Alice begged, before I could get a word out.

"What _thing_, Alice?" Sometimes Alice and I skipped the pleasantries.

"Dinner at mom and dad's. Weren't you invited?"

"I was just on my way over there. I didn't know it was a _thing_, though."

Alice sighed in frustration, but I could tell that she was relieved. "Oh, it's a _thing_, alright. Emmett and Rose will be there, and to be honest, right now I'm in no shape to face those two alone."

"Well, you can rest easy, I guess, since I'm going and shit," I practically laughed. As if I could help anyone through a social situation. "But, what about J? I'm sure he'd be up for the challenge."

"Jasper couldn't come," Alice said, blinking rapidly and ducking her head into my hotel room in order to hide her face from me. "Hey, what the hell happened in here?" she asked, glancing around at my disorganized room.

"I know. It's a fucking mess. I wasn't exactly expecting company." I followed Alice into the room, and was completely thrown when I saw tears streaming down her face. "Alice, it's just stray files and some trash, it's not the end of the world."

Alice shook her head and collapsed next to a pile of dirty clothes. "He's gone, Edward."

I found a handkerchief and an unopened bottle of water and handed them both to her. "J left? Like really fucking left?" The man had hung around Alice's house to be close to her even when she was away on business. It seemed out of character that he'd just pick up and leave.

"He's in L.A. for some industry thingy, then Australia for a couple of shows, then back to Nashville to finish up the album," she said as she looked out the window and wiped her eyes

"Fuck, Alice. I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't. I didn't call you back. We just kind of stayed in the last few days, you know? I'm so stupid, I shouldn't be acting this way. I always knew he'd have to go. I mean, what was the alternative? It's too soon for… _whatever_," she said dismissively, shaking her head. "I knew what kind of life he had, and that he didn't live here. A country musician in Philly?"

"What about a fashion designer in Nashville?" I offered.

"_This_ is my home, Edward. I don't know. I'm already too far away from New York."

"You act like air travel and the Internet were never invented, or some shit."

"Edward, I just can't pick up and move to Nashville to go chase a guy. That is, like, _so_ not like me."

"Fuck what you're like, Alice. Have you ever felt this way about someone before?"

Alice didn't answer. Instead, she kept her eyes trained on the city skyline and struggled with the cap on the water bottle.

"Alice?" I asked again, taking the bottle from her hands and opening it for her.

"You already know, Edward. Don't make me say it."

"That's what I thought. Listen, pixie, do you remember what you fucking said to me after that first day we spent at Bella's? I dropped you off and you told me not to sabotage myself. That I deserved a chance to be happy. Don't you think the same thing applies to you?"

"_Nashville_, Edward? _Me_ in Nashville?"

"I'm not saying that you have to move to Nashville, but maybe, what you guys have deserves a discussion. Maybe there's another way you could make it work."

"If that's what he wanted, then why didn't he say anything?"

I rolled my eyes. "Why didn't_ you_? Alice, this kind of thing doesn't fucking fall into your lap every day."

"But I can't talk to him. He left," she sniffled.

"And there are these new things called cell phones… people can get calls in all sorts of cities these days. Even fucking L.A."

Alice rolled her eyes, but finally smiled before taking the water back from me and shutting herself up in the bathroom to give her cell phone a try. The thing is, J didn't answer, and Alice was too nervous to leave a message. She alternately sulked and sniffled all the way to Mt. Airy.

"Can you imagine what it's going to be like tonight? Mom's going to be all over us, pitying and doting. And Emmett's going to be completely oblivious, while Rose makes not so subtle small talk about wedding cakes and floral design. And dad will pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is going on at all, just like he always does. No matter that our worlds are falling apart."

"Maybe you should have stayed home then, Alice."

"Then Rose would win," she whined.

"I didn't know it was a contest," I chuckled.

"Aren't you angry, Edward?"

"I don't know. I'm angry about how Rose has treated Bella, but what she says to me, or about me… what do I fucking care?"

"What do you care? Are you serious? Edward -"

But Alice stopped speaking as soon I pulled into Esme and Carlisle's driveway, steeling herself for whatever was going to happen inside. She tried to sneak a look at her cell phone as she got out of the car, but I could have spotted that maneuver a mile away. I'd been doing the same thing ever since Bella told me she needed me out of her life.

"They mean well, Alice," I tried consoling her as we walked up the stone path.

"Whatever, Big Brother," she huffed, dropping her cell back into her purse. "Let's just get this over with."

Esme was bustling around the kitchen with her housekeeper, stirring pots, checking on the oven, pulling silver from drawers and china from cupboards. But when she saw Alice and me, Esme dropped everything and came at us both with arms outstretched. Alice was quick and dodged out of the way. Esme settled on rocking just me back and forth in her arms.

"How are you holding up, Edward?"

"Good?" My answer came out like more of a question, because it surprised the shit out of me. I was on the precipice of either losing my shit all over the place, or getting everything and more back again. But, despite the uncertainty, it felt like I was in the right place. If nothing else, it was good to have Esme's consolation. _I _was good. Huh.

But the next question on Esme's lips nearly killed me. "Have you heard from her?"

I shook my head and pulled myself out of Esme's embrace, holding myself up against the wall.

"She'll call, dear. She will. After that shock, given the fight she's facing… You know what I was just thinking about, Edward?"

"Um, no. I don't, actually."

"I was thinking about the time I sat down for tea with Bella back at the beach house. It was just after you'd left, and needless to say, she was extremely upset. That evening I told Bella with some certainty that you'd come around and come back to her. And you did. And so will she."

"I think maybe you're right," I mumbled, looking at my feet.

"So do I, dear, or I wouldn't have said it." Esme smiled and clasped my arm reassuringly before turning her attention to her daughter. "Alice."

"Don't look at me like that, mom."

"Alice, please…"

"I know. I let another man get away. You had another chance at a grandchild and I fucked it up again."

"Darling, you know that's not what -"

"I'm going to go find dad. At least he'll talk to me about something like Cerebral Palsy or Alzheimer's and pretend like nothing's out of the ordinary tonight." Alice marched off down the hall towards Carlisle's study.

"J left today," I explained.

"Well, I feel for her. But it's no excuse to act like a petulant teenager."

"Maybe if she dated when she was a teenager she'd have this out of her system by now," I offered.

"Maybe the boy will come back and we'll all be spared. It might be easier than seeing this mood through."

xXxXx

Emmett and Rosalie showed up fashionably late, and true to form Emmett talked nearly non-fucking-stop about Penn's standings, and about the Eagles new quarterback and former dog fighter, Michael Vick. I'm pretty fucking sure he tried to start a debate with me about dog fighting and rehabilitation, but I was in no fucking mood.

Rosalie alternated between ditzy smiles and polite kisses where Emmett was concerned, to strategically avoiding both Alice and I, to trying to talk shop with Carlisle. Alice wasn't having any of it, though, and couldn't help but dropping one or two snarky comments before flouncing out of the room.

"What the hell is her problem?" Emmett asked.

Rosalie's big blue eyes flickered meaningfully in my direction.

"I think Alice is just trying to stick up for her friend, Emmett," I informed my seemingly clueless cousin.

"_Her_ friend?" Rose seethed. "Since when has _Alice _become Bella's friend? I've known Bella for years."

"And I don't think you've talked to her for weeks," I added, taking a sip of water.

"She won't call me back, Edward."

"With good fucking reason."

"Dude, that's enough," Emmett cut in. "This is why I haven't called _you_ back, Edward. Can't you just leave Rosie alone?"

"I don't want to fucking argue with you, Emmett. I just came for dinner."

"Dinner's on!" Esme called from the dining room.

"Look's like you came to the right place then, Edward. Try not attacking Rose across the table, okay, buddy?"

"Fuck you, Emmett," I hissed as we all walked into the dining room.

Carlisle was usually good at smoothing over the waters in tense situations, especially when there was another doctor on hand. He would know just the thing to interest the physician in the room while putting the rest of the company to sleep. But tonight he looked more tired than anything, and drooped at the head of the table.

Esme usually counted on Alice for support in sticky situations, but Alice was concentrating on her soup with unusual ferocity.

"Thanks so much everyone, for coming tonight," Esme began, smiling bravely. "In light of everything that's been going on lately, it's so good to have my family together."

Carlisle kissed Esme's cheek, Emmett grabbed Rosalie's hand and they gazed into one another's eyes, and Alice grumbled something into her soup.

"I've got to thank you too, Esme," I added, unusually shy. "Thanks for coming and helping when I called you. I don't know what I would have done without you there that day."

Esme blinked back tears. "You were doing fine, son. You were wonderful. I wish there was more I could do for Bella, and that precious, little girl… It breaks my heart."

"You could have called me," Rosalie offered through clenched teeth.

"Really?" I challenged. "_Really_?"

"Edward," Emmett hissed in warning.

Carlisle seemed startled by the renewed tension at the table. "Edward, there's something we should talk about after dinner. I don't want to forget. Remind me, please?"

Remind Carlisle about something? Something was fucking not right, but I didn't have much time to think about it.

"Call _you_, Rosalie?" Alice asked. "Yeah, Edward's going to call you after everything you said about him."

"It's fine, Alice," I cut in. "Whatever Rose had to say about me was probably fucking justified. If anything, I'm disappointed in Emmett. I fucking told him what it meant to me and to Bella to have Rosalie lay off. It's like he didn't even fucking try. If Bella ever asked me to do anything for her -"

But I fucking stopped when I saw the pitying looks Alice and Esme were both giving me. Bella was across the country and we hadn't spoken for almost two weeks. Bella hadn't asked me to do anything but stay the fuck away.

"It was all because I care about her," Rosalie said to no one in particular.

"Yeah, Edward has a point. What about you, Emmett?" Alice started in with her brother. "Didn't Edward go to you?"

"Like Rosalie's some puppet?" Emmett asked. "I told her what Edward said. She has a mind of her own. I like that about her. Fuck, I like everything about her. I love her."

"And I love him too," Rosalie said grasping both of Emmett's hands in hers.

"And, actually, we have something we wanted to tell you all." Emmett looked around the table in a silent challenge, daring anyone to speak.

"Now?" Rosalie asked, blushing and suddenly flustered.

"Why the hell not, Rosie? It's better if we know from the start if this is going to be a problem."

Alice grabbed my hand. "No fucking way," she murmured. "They've got to be fucking -"

"Shh," I hushed her, and Emmett shot us both an angry look.

"Oh my god!" Esme quietly cheered. I could tell that my aunt was poised to jump up from her seat.

"I asked Rosie to marry me," Emmett finished with a proud smile, not surprising anyone by this point.

Esme squealed and dashed around the table.

"I know it's fast," Emmett tried to continue, but Esme was already strangling both of them in an embrace that seemed like it should have been too big for her frame, making further comment from Emmett all but impossible.

"Don't worry about all of this, dear," Esme gushed as her eyes silently pleaded with the rest of her family to lay off. She gave each of them a kiss on the cheek. "I'm so happy for the both of you. _Finally_."

"They've been together about a month, mom," Alice icily replied. "I hardly think the word 'finally' can be used."

Rosalie glared at Alice, Carlisle scowled from across the table.

"Alice!" Esme admonished. "Your brother was just engaged to be married."

"After all of the hundreds of women Emmett's paraded through here, he settles on her?" Alice asked, pushing her chair from the table and standing to her feet.

"Alice," Carlisle warned, wearing a weary look on his face.

"She's a mean and insensitive bitch!" Alice continued. "I can't do it! I can't sit here and pretend to be happy, when she's said hateful things to Edward, and all but alienated her best friend!"

"Mary Alice Cullen, this is not the time or the place!" Esme scolded.

"Exactly, mom! My God, everyone at this table knows that Edward lost his job, Carlisle may lose his business partner, and Bella is across the country dealing with her ex-boyfriend's funeral! We all know how messed up this week has been for Edward and me, for all of us… but some people are in such a little fucking bubble, that they can't see that this might not be the best fucking time!

"And you, Rosalie, you have some nerve. You sit there and act like you're so goddamned excited to be a part of this family. But Edward is a part of this family. Don't think you can just sashay into our lives and shut him out, cause it ain't gonna happen, sister!"

Carlisle stood to his feet too. "Alice, that's enough. You've said your piece, now maybe it's time you got some air."

"Fucking air. Maybe it's time I got the hell out of here. Edward, take me home, please."

"No, Alice. Calm down," I pleaded. I tried to pull her to me, but she shook me off and turned her ire on me instead.

"No excuses, Edward. You're just going to say something like you deserve all of it. But you don't. You've been nothing but good to Bella, and Rosalie just struts around like she's the only one whose shit doesn't stink. You are a good fucking person, and no one gets to talk about you that way!"

"Alice, that's enough," Emmett interrupted. He'd tucked Rosalie into his side. Where another women might be crying at this point, Rosalie looked angry enough to spit. She was a fucking fighter; I'd give her that.

"I think we're going to skip desert, mom," Emmett said, turning to his mom.

"Rosalie, dear, I'm so sorry," Esme apologized. "I'm very happy for the two of you. I'm sure this can all be sorted out. It's been a hard week for everyone. But finally, we have some good news."

"Thank you, Esme," Rosalie whispered.

"This is all sorts of fucked up," Alice grumbled to me.

"Alice, that's enough," I hissed.

"Yeah, Alice, shut the hell up," Emmett shouted across the table.

"It wouldn't hurt you to stand up for Edward every now and then, Emmett Cullen!" Alice shot back. "You're being a shit brother, you know?"

"_I'm_ the shit brother, Alice? That's fucking rich. Dude, has Edward come to one of my games at Penn? He just made it to my office for the first time in three years the other day - to tell me about _his_ problems. And you know what I did? I sat there and smiled and joked and worried about his fucking problems, because that's what we all do in this family when it comes to Edward!

"Like when I was starting line-up in the fucking Cotton Bowl, and all he did was turn up skinny and sick and high off his ass. And I'm the happy-go-lucky guy that understands why his entire family's not at the fucking game."

"_Dude_," Alice interrupted, very obviously making fun of Emmett's favorite word. "It was about time our parents showed up for Edward! For years it was so much easier for them to pretend like you and I were the perfect little children, like Edward just didn't fucking exist! _ I_ had to go find him and I was fourteen! It was about fucking time they stuck their necks out."

"Like they ever stuck their necks out for me?" Emmett asked. "I was constantly ignored while dad endlessly worried about Edward. He's worried about him right now!"

"Emmett, please, son, lower your voice," Carlisle tried to interject, but there was no stopping years of pent up emotion.

"Maybe dad's worried because Edward lost his job and is facing a possible murder charge. You ever think of that, Emmett? Has that little situation even sunk into your thick head?"

"I'm getting fucking married, Alice, and I'm the bad guy? What the fuck?"

My phone buzzed in my pocket, startling me, and I took it as my excuse to get the fuck out of there. I didn't want to be fucking fought over, and there was no way I was stepping into the middle of it all to try to break it up.

I quickly let myself out the back door, but Alice and Emmett were shouting loud enough that I headed for the rear of the property before glancing at my phone. I pulled my cell out of my pocket as I picked my way over the uneven ground. One look at the number on the display and my heart began racing even more than it had been inside. It was a chilly fucking night, but I broke into an instant sweat.

Bella.

Fucking Bella.

She'd fucking called.

"Bella?" I leaned against a big old oak for support and held my fucking breath. I could faintly hear Carlisle trying to calm everyone down inside.

"_Edward? Is that you_?" Her voice sounded so small, and so far away. But it was her. All of the pent up tension from the family fight left my body in one easy breath.

"Fuck. Yeah…_ Jesus_!"

"_No, it's Bella_. _You always get that wrong_." She giggled nervously and my heart fucking tried to escape through my mouth. I found a place to sit by the stone wall that marked the back of the property.

"I missed you, B… hearing your voice -"

"_I couldn't stop thinking about you," _Bella interrupted._ "Even when I thought I shouldn't_."

"Where are you, baby?"

"_Forks. My dad's."_

"So fucking far away."

"_We leave for Philly in the morning_."

She was coming back. I gripped the phone tighter in my hand. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"How are you?" I could hardly get the words out of my mouth.

"_That's a hard question. Not good, you know? But better, too._"

"And Little Bell?"

"_You'd be so proud of her, Edward. She's been so good - my little rock. This was really good for her. But I don't know what will happen when… well, though.._." And Bella's voice crumbled and I thought I heard her hold back a sob.

"Bella, baby?"

"_I'm sorry, Edward, for how I left things. I really wanted to say it in person. But… but…but I can't…"_

Once more, I held my breath, this time waiting for Bella to say she didn't want to see me again. I mentally listened to her saying the words over and over, trying to prepare myself so that I didn't lose my shit.

"_But I couldn't wait to hear your voice another day, so I called. And, now, I can't not apologize for another second. I'm so sorry, Edward_. _At the time, I couldn't see past what was right in front of me. And I know it's no excuse, but -"_

"Are you fucking kidding, Bella? You didn't do anything wrong. _I _should have known better."

"_No, I did _so_ many things wrong_."

"At the very fucking least, I think we're even."

"_Can I see you? Do you want to see me? I really want to see you when I get back. Some things are better said in person_."

"God, B, there's nothing I want more." I tried to fucking keep my voice from cracking. "But what about your custody hearing and the ethics panel?"

"_If sitting down with you in some public place is going to make me lose custody of Ness, then I think you probably set me up with a shit lawyer."_

I laughed for what felt like the first time in weeks. A public place, just talking. That would be fine. Finally, a smart fucking move.

"Is it too soon to say I love you?" I blurted out.

"_I already know that, Edward. But I don't feel like I deserve it, sometimes_."

"Neither do I, but I'm fucking working on that shit," I half-laughed.

"_I need to get Ness settled at home. God, there's so much I need to do. Maybe the day after tomorrow_? _Are you free?"_

"Say the fucking word and I'll be there, B."

It sounded like Bella was hiccupping and I think she tried to quietly blow her nose. "_Thank you, Edward. I'll call as soon as I know when, exactly_."

"Okay, B."

"_Okay."_

I listened to her breathing on the other end of the line, picturing her lips slightly parted and pink.

"_I should go_," she said, as my body began responding to my mental image… her bright brown eyes, that thick wavy hair that just brushed the tips of her tits. I listened to her breathing and closed my eyes.

"Okay," I agreed. But neither of us ended the call.

We sat silently. My ass was damp from the ground, and my back was cold from the wall. I ran my free hand over the rough granite stones and tried not to say anything inappropriate… Like how much I still fucking wanted her, like how I needed her slender little body against mine, like how much I needed to be inside of her, like how soft and warm her pussy felt as it encased my cock. And at that moment, my fingers ran over something smooth and warm, and I opened my eyes to see the small purple stone Bella brought to the barbecue last summer, glistening in the moonlight.

"I found your rock," I mumbled without thinking, as I traced its outline.

"_What?"_

"That little rock you brought to the anniversary barbecue. It's right next to me. It's so pretty. It's lit up by the moon."

"_I have your rock too."_

"What?"

"_Ness found one. I can bring it when I see you."_

"Keep it. Please."

"_You're at Esme and Carlisle's?"_

I listened to the faint strains of angry voices from the house. "Dude, you wouldn't fucking believe… Yeah, yeah I am. Dinner." I was about to tell her about dinner, but I shut the hell up. I didn't want her to feel guilty or self-conscious because of the way her name had been thrown around.

"_Edward?"_

"Yeah, Bella?"

"_I love you too."_

And for a moment, my world stopped and re-started.

"Is it enough, yet, B?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I'd pushed too far. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't take them back.

"_I'll see you in a couple days, okay?" _Bella said instead of answering.

"Okay, Bella."

She loved me. I'd take what I could get.

I clicked the phone closed and rested my head against the cold, hard wall. While most of the stones that made it up were uniformly dull and gray, the little purple one Bella brought practically glowed. I didn't want to think about the time in my life before Bella and I lodged that pretty little rock into the Cullen's wall. Before that, it was all crap. And now, it may have all been a mess, the biggest fucking mess of my life, but it wasn't monotonous. It was fucking beautiful.

She fucking loved me. She fucking belonged here. I hoped she fucking knew it.

Voices carried on the wind from the house. Alice and Emmett were still yelling at one another, with some help from Esme and Rose, by the sound of it. And I didn't give a shit.

xXxXx

* * *

**A/N: Whew... I hope I avoided any tears with this chapter. Thanks so much for all of your continued reviews. I want you all to know that I really enjoy hearing what you think, whether or not you like Bella, whether or not the story makes you happy or makes you want to punch a wall. God knows this story has made Edward want to punch a few walls. I value all of your thoughts, so keep them coming. And let's try to be nice... no personal attacks please, on me or the other reviewers that might have unpopular opinions. Thanks.**

**Thanks to Lindz, and fuzzyltlwingedthing and the newest member of the editorial staff... who I'm gonna call JAB, cause her edits are painful, but they're whipping me into shape, lol.**

**Voting is still open for the Rare Gem Awards and the Avant Garde Awards... If you haven't voted yet, the links are below...**

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**Until next week, xxx, M**


	30. Chapter 27

**BPOV**

The thing about grief and guilt is that they don't disappear overnight. Those emotions cling and claw and take root, and it's easier to give in than it is to dig deep and pull them up at their source. And I'd been there before; my soil was fertile for those kinds of weeds. After years of feeling that I'd done something wrong by choosing James, by initially rejecting and then endangering Ness, it was so easy for my mind to fall back to that place. It was easy to blame myself for Jacob's death, and I just accepted it as part of the normal process of mourning.

And it would have been easy to give into my dad's request and move back to Forks - to emotionally retreat from the world and to give up on my life. Letting someone else take care of me would have been a relief.

Those first few days back in Forks only seemed to confirm that idea. I watched with what joy I could muster as Ness ran around in the grass and under the evergreens, letting herself in and out of the house without worry. I listened to her and my dad playing and getting to know one another better. I watched her bring some happiness back to Billy's clouded eyes.

And then there was Jake. Staying in Forks meant keeping him in my life. It meant being close to him the only way I could be. It meant taking him back. But apparently, Ness had a better handle on that than I did. Jake wasn't coming back. When you die, you die forever, she reminded me.

I'd tried to let him go once, and as much pain as it caused, it had been the right decision. When I got up off of that log at First Beach and walked back to the car holding Nessie's hand in mine, I let him go again. It hurt, I won't lie. It was like tearing off the very scab that had just started mending my heart. But I knew that it would only get harder the longer I waited.

"You're sure, Pumpkin?" my dad asked, hope still cautiously brimming in his voice. Mind you - he'd asked repeatedly these past couple days.

"I've thought about this a lot, daddy."

"I figured as much. I cornered you that first night because I knew you'd need your time. But when you make a decision, Bells, you stick with it."

My dad chuckled sadly and looked out the glass at the baggage handlers loading luggage onto the plane. He'd said pretty much the same thing when I told him that I was marrying James. I hoped that he realized that this was a much better decision. Nessie's nose was pressed up against the glass, and she was clutching her little pink iPod in one hand and a stuffed bull in the other.

My decision.

My decision scared me to death, and I never would have guessed it eight weeks ago.

There were a few different pieces to my decision. I'd decided to go back and try to fix what I'd ruined. I needed to fight for everything: for my daughter, for my job, for Jake's killer to be found. And then there was the other part of my decision: the part that could throw a wrench into all of it.

That other part didn't make any sense at all. It was a decision made on the spot, on the toilet, three days after Jake's memorial. And as I'd sat in shock with my head in my hands, something changed. Something strong enough stirred in me to begin tugging at those guilty roots, making way for a new emotion. It was so unexpected that it took me about a full minute to name what I was feeling. I was excited. And I was looking forward to the future. And amidst all the mess and uncertainly, I saw the small possibility that this decision might just be the glue that brought it all together.

It's what gave me the strength to tell my dad that I was going back to Philadelphia. It's what made me call Edward.

Edward. I'd spoken to him. I was going to see him. That excitement took hold again and my body tried to race ahead of everything my mind was trying to very rationally put in order. It tried to conjure fantasies of hotel rooms, rumpled sheets, and torn clothing. But that's what had gotten me into trouble in the first place. We had to wait. I wanted to do things right, this time. Unfortunately, that desire didn't add up with my decision. And I knew that instead of making it right or making love, maybe I wasn't being fair, and Edward might just walk away.

Ness turned around for a second and smiled and waved her bull at me. How the hell would I explain any of this to her? I decided to worry about that later. First, I had to worry about keeping her away from James.

"I'm gonna worry about you, baby," my dad said, echoing my thoughts. "Knowing you were in Philly with Jake always helped me rest easy at night. Now, after all this…"

"I'm not alone, dad. I have… _friends_, and I'm a grown woman."

My dad's mouth twisted with mention of the word 'friends', but he saved any comments for himself. "It's going to be hard… _just _you and Vanessa."

"I can manage, daddy."

"I know," he said, weighted down with growing resignation. "I didn't mean to say I don't think you can live on your own. I just can't help wanting to keep an eye on you, either."

"_Me_?" Nessie asked, turning towards us again. "A eye on _me_?" She dashed across the small space between us and jumped into my dad's arms. Ness opened her brown eyes wide, and placed one directly against my dad's cheek. "I keepin' my eye on you, grandpa," Ness giggled.

"How was I supposed to let this go easy?" my dad asked, hugging Ness tight while his eyes pleaded with mine.

"Letting go's hard," I said as I reached for Edward's note in my jacket pocket. Lately, it seemed that life and death was all about knowing when to let go and when to hold on tight. They may have been opposites, yet it was somehow still confusing knowing which was the right action to take. But for the first time in a long time, I felt like I'd gotten it exactly right.

xXxXx

The decision to stay in Philadelphia and fight may have felt poetic and inspirational while I was in Forks, but the reality on the ground was a little more stark. I came home with a suitcase full of dirty laundry and a troubled little girl. Nessie cowered as we came up the steps to our front door, and she ran for the relative safety of her room as soon as we crossed the threshold. I came home to stacks and stacks of mail and an answering machine full of messages. I also came home to an envelope from the Pennsylvania State Bureau of Professional and Occupational Affairs.

They wanted to schedule an evidentiary hearing to investigate possible medical misconduct.

I came home to a sinking heart and a ringing telephone.

"_Dr. Swan?"_ the woman's voice tentatively addressed me.

It took me a second to figure out who was on the other end of the line. "Shelly Cope? From the office?" I guessed.

"_I wasn't sure if you were home yet, dear_," Shelly replied.

"We actually just walked through the door."

"_Well, then, don't let me keep you. I just wanted to say that nearly everyone here is behind you one hundred percent_."

"I saw the flowers at Jake's memorial. Thank you. That was really thoughtful."

"_Oh, of course. But that's not what I was talking about. I've talked to the entire office staff and nearly all of us agree that we don't know a thing. There's gossip, of course, but you have to expect that in any office."_

My stomach turned and I made quick calculations about my nausea and the distance to the nearest toilet. I picked up the letter from the state and walked quickly towards the kitchen. The sink would do in a pinch.

"You mean the investigation?" I asked with shaky breath as I looked over the official watermarked paper and the shiny state seal.

"_Didn't I say that? Yes, we each received a summons. It's such a ridiculous waste of state funds, if you ask me. And I'll work on Angela. Don't you worry, okay? You concentrate on your family and we'll be just fine on our end."_

"You spoke with people in the office?" Nausea and disbelief were getting in the way of clear thinking and I hung my head over the sink. My knees felt weak. She'd spoken to everyone in the office about Edward and I. How would I show my face there again?

_"Yes, I made sure that we were all very clear about _everything," Shelly proudly replied.

"Uh… I appreciate it, I do. But I don't need anyone to lie for me, Shelly."

"_There's nothing to lie about, dear. Gianna said you made Edward smile. Ben said you offered Edward a hoagie from a drug rep. Heidi says Edward visited for, ahem, … _lunch_ the day we transferred his files to the other practice. These aren't crimes_."

The way Shelly said 'lunch' let me know exactly what the entire office had been discussing. Memories of locked doors, bared breasts and straddling Edward's lap flooded my memory. This investigation was my own fault.

"_I'll keep working on our hold-out_," she continued with some disdain. "_We have time - nearly a week before the interviews begin_."

"Angela?" I guessed.

Shelly huffed on the other end of the phone. "_I still can't believe the gall of that woman, refusing to speak to me! All I asked was to talk. I'm sorry, but those in glass houses, you know? Of all people, _she_ should understand your situation_."

The conversation was quickly going from bad to worse. I'd never really considered Edward and Angela and whatever they may have done together in the office. I had to get off the phone before the bile in the back of my mouth forced its way forward. "Thanks, Shelly, for letting me know," I croaked.

"_Well, it wouldn't be a loss for our little office alone, but for your entire profession. I hope to see you back soon. Between you and me, it seems Dr. Cullen could use the help_."

I was only half listening as I rushed to hang up, and promptly heaved a mixture of stomach acid and airplane peanuts into the stainless steel sink.

xXxXx

I managed to get both myself and the sink cleaned up before the realtor came by later that afternoon. Instead of hanging out with our visitor like she normally would, Ness holed herself up in her room, playing with her family of stuffed cows. She seemed excited to reunite the bull with the rest of his family.

The realtor confirmed what I already was pretty well aware of. Our neighborhood had changed tremendously since I bought the house for next to nothing almost four years ago. Coupled with the updates Jake made since then, my plan seemed increasingly possible. Jan McCann took a lot of interest in the detailed woodwork along the edges of the refinished hardwood floors, the crown moldings, the iridescent blue tiles that made up the backsplash in the kitchen. Jake's handiwork was paying off; he just hadn't lived to see it. He was still taking care of us, even after he was gone.

After a thorough tour, Jan looked around with a satisfied smile. "I have to crunch some numbers, but I'd say about four hundred."

I think my mouth dropped open. "Four hundred _thousan_d?" I'd bought it for well under one-hundred.

Jan nodded in agreement as she admired the custom tiles by the front entry.

"In this market?" I asked just to make sure.

"It's fallen some. You might have gotten four-fifty last year."

If I had any doubts, that settled it. Ness and I were moving, as soon as possible.

"And what about houses in -"

"Where you're looking to buy, maybe one-hundred to one-fifty." Jan promised to get back to me as soon as possible. Even so, I knew it would probably take longer than I'd like to make it all happen.

The realtor left and I flopped onto the couch. My eyes watered as I took in all of the little details that had enticed Jan so much; everything Jake had been so excited to add to the house. But by this point, the crying was just a simple physical reaction. All of the real sadness was gone; it didn't touch my heart. Maybe I was just numb by this point. Or maybe I'd been stripped of everything I held dear, and I was building from the ground up. Building a family - a brand new one. I just wondered who exactly it would be made of.

That thought had me grabbing for my cell. I said I'd call Edward to set up a time to meet. I wanted to hear his voice again. I wanted to hear him tell me that he loved me again. But I had more plans to make before I could do that. I had to do this right and I needed to be certain. It didn't make any difference to me, but it wouldn't be fair to Edward unless all of the information was on the table when we finally spoke.

I held my breath as I called my friend over at the hospital where I completed my residency. Just as I'd hoped, she managed to pull some strings and fit me in on short notice. Sometimes being a doctor had its advantages. But with that settled I was somehow even more nervous than I was before. I tried not to think about what I'd have to tell Edward if my calculations were off, or if I'd done some serious damage before I knew. I'd known Edward for less than two months. I couldn't expect him to stick around for that.

So, I didn't call. Not right away, anyway. There was unpacking to finish. There was food shopping to get done. There were calls to make: to my lawyer, to the detectives. There was precious time to spend cuddling with Ness, watching iCarly – the show Jake used to let her watch when I wasn't around. It was actually pretty funny, and we laughed together and I let her eat her dinner on the couch, something Jake and I had had strict rules against.

But as we started climbing the stairs to get ready for bed, Ness clutched at my T-shirt, and pressed her little body against mine. She hung outside of her room until I turned on the light.

"I scared of bad mans, mama," she confessed in a whisper. "Maybe they're under my bed with a gun."

"There's no one here but the two of us, baby. The doors are locked, and no one can get in."

"But what if they break-ed the door all up?"

I shuddered, suddenly nervous in my own right. James had done just that when Nessie was an infant. Ness must have sensed the sudden change in my mood and she flung her arms around my neck and started quietly sobbing.

"We have heavy doors, baby," I cooed as I stroked her back. "Not to mention that -" I hesitated. I'd been about to say Edward's name, but I didn't want to get Nessie's hopes up. Ness pulled back so that she could carefully stare into my eyes. It was like she knew what I was about to say, and she was waiting to hear his name.

"Not to mention that Felix is outside in his car watching us."

"Oh," Ness breathed, disappointed.

She was still on edge as I tucked her into bed, Chopin playing on her iPod, her Edward rock half-hidden under her pillow, her bull cradled in her arms.

"Mama, can I have milk in a bottle?"

"A bottle? Of milk?"

Ness nodded her head gravely.

"Baby, you're four years old. You haven't had a bottle since -"

"I know that, mama. I wanna bottle of milk! Pa-lease?"

"I don't know if we still have any bottles." Or burp cloths or swaddling blankets or onesies… _Wow_.

Ness began kicking her legs in that new spastic way of hers that meant she was about to have a complete meltdown. She balled her little hands into fists and tears sprung to her eyes. "I… need… a… _bottle_!" she wailed.

I dashed down the stairs and made a mental note to add finding a children's counselor to my 'to do' list. I tried to tell myself that it was just the house that brought back Nessie's insecurities about Jake's death and Edward's absence. I didn't want to think that I'd made the wrong choice, and that my plan to stay on the east coast was fatally flawed.

I found an old baby bottle stashed in the back of a cabinet. But by the time I made it back to Nessie's room, she'd cried herself to sleep. There were dried tears on her cheeks, and her bull had been thrown across the room and had landed on his head in the corner. I picked him up and tucked him under my arm before kissing Ness goodnight and padding down the stairs.

xXxXx

Edward picked up before the first ring.

"_I was getting worried." _

So was I.

"Sorry," I offered.

"_You've got to stop apologizing, Bella."_

"Before I could call I had to… make sure I was prepared."

"Prepared… to talk to _me_?" he asked.

I had so much to discuss with Edward, but I didn't want to say any of it over the phone. But it felt so good to hear his voice, to hear him chuckle, and just to listen to him breath. So, I talked about meaningless things like my flight and iCarly and Nessie's new favorite stuffed animal.

"A bull?" he asked. He sounded suddenly nervous. I checked the animal over to see what might have elicited that response. He just looked like a bull to me.

"Yeah, a bull," I agreed, playing with the horns. "Why do you ask?"

"_I know that bull,_" Edward answered. "_He's a good guy, but he always comes up short_."

Edward told me about Garrett and his lunch with the judge, and about the possibility of expanding the PLA and partnering with DHS to empower Philly's street kids. As always, he completely floored me. Here I was unable to put my daughter to bed without a breakdown, while he was trying to save the youth of today.

"_It would take work, and so much time. Not to mention money that I don't have,"_ he muttered.

"But is it what you want?"

"_It is. It's not the only thing I want, though."_

"Don't make any decisions, yet, okay, Edward? Wait, please?"

"_How long should I wait?" _he asked with obvious urgency.

"Until two o'clock tomorrow, at least."

"_Two o'clock? That's seventeen hours from now. I think I can wait that long. Barely. Where?"_

"I'll be in Center City, near City Hall."

"_Love Park_?" Edward quickly suggested. "_By the fountain_?"

I'd kissed both Jake and Edward at that fountain. No matter the outcome at the hospital tomorrow, it seemed eerily appropriate.

"Two o'clock?" I asked again, butterflies flittering in my stomach.

"_Promise you'll show up_?" Edward asked.

"Promise. No matter what." I wondered if he had any idea how hard that promise was to make.

xXxXx

The waiting room was too warm and packed with women. I signed in at the front counter and looked around for a seat. I spotted an empty one and started making my way across the lobby, edging around chatting happy couples, and moms already holding a toddler or two. It was only when I arrived at my final destination that I noticed a familiar face in the seat next to the one I'd been eyeing. Her eyes darted to her lap and she scooted to the opposite edge of her chair as I sat down. She sighed and trained her eyes on the door that led the way back to the exam rooms. I could tell that she was trying to will them to call her name.

"Angela?" I asked.

She pretended not to hear.

This time I was the one that sighed. The door actually opened, and Angela half jumped from her seat. But the nurse called for someone named Samantha, and Angela, resigned, sunk back into her chair.

I tried again. "Angela?"

"Dr. Swan," she reluctantly acknowledged, her eyes still lowered. Sitting in this office, she wasn't as defiant as she was when she was in her nurse's whites back at the practice. I felt pretty vulnerable myself, and sick to my stomach, but what was new these days? I glanced at Angela's lap. Here, we were both just women.

She finally looked me over, searching for evidence in my lap just like I had. There was none. "You're back," she observed.

"I am."

She looked away. Her hands fidgeted.

The equalizing effect of the waiting room was maybe the only thing that could have trumped my embarrassment and spurred me to speak. "Okay, I have to ask. Why did you do it, Angela?"

"I could ask you the same thing," she replied coolly.

"I haven't reported anyone."

"Is that what you think? Neither have I, Dr. Swan. I wouldn't do something like that."

The door opened again, and we both momentarily gave up on the conversation, both perched on the edge of our seats, waiting to be called. It was for someone named Lucy that time. When the door closed, we both sat back and relaxed, kind of.

"I mean, you've moved on, right?" I began again after a moment. "Alice said that you and Ben -" But I stop talking when I remembered exactly what office we were both sitting in.

Angela didn't reply, at least not directly. But after a minute, she started talking, still looking across the room instead of at me.

"At first I didn't know what to say, Dr. Swan. I guess I wanted to warn you, but that would mean admitting what I'd done, and I really wanted to put it all behind me. And Ben said it was none of my business, anyway. I seriously couldn't believe that _he_ was pulling the same thing again, in the _same_ office, in the _exact_ place where I still worked. It was like proof that he'd never even really thought anything of me.

"And then he came in to see you the very next day. He broke up with his girlfriend. He left the practice… Everything I kind of figured he'd do for me. I know it shouldn't matter. I love Ben, I really do. But I was _so_ jealous." Angela looked me over from head to toe like she was trying to figure out what I had that she didn't. I couldn't have honestly answered her if she'd have asked.

"You reported me to the state because you were jealous?"

"No! I told you, I didn't do it. I did tell Dr. Cullen, though. He said he'd handle it. Maybe he's the one that did it?"

After everything Carlisle had said to me, I couldn't believe that.

"You're serious? It wasn't you?" I asked.

"But that doesn't mean Shelly Cope can feed me some company line and tell me what I'm supposed to say under oath," Angela continued, not quite answering my question. "I mean, Edward has a track record. He's the one going around fucking everyone in his doctor's office. He's got some hang-up or something - some kind of fetish. It's not _you_. I should have warned you. I should have told you what he was after, how he'd give you that smile that would just disintegrate your panties and make you do things on an exam table that you never thought you would…"

"Isabella Swan?" the nurse called from the doorway, not a second too soon.

xXxXx

"As you can see, all's good, Dr. Swan," Dr. Pace assured me, moving the wand and manipulating the image on the screen.

"You're absolutely sure?" I asked. But I'd forgotten to move my hand away from my mouth and my question came out mumbled and incoherent.

The doctor's bright brown eyes flickered in my direction, her forehead wrinkled in question. I tried speaking again, without my hand in the way this time. "You're sure?" I asked. I was so nervous that it came out as little more than a whisper. My stomach danced while I waited for her response. The thin paper crinkled beneath me.

"I'm sure you can see for yourself. Everything is just as it should be."

My heart swelled in pace with the rapid flutter on the screen, until it was large enough to crowd out my lungs. I struggled for breath, and I laughed a little with tears in my eyes. My life was forever changed; _I'd_ changed. That lingering dread was gone, the fear was gone. I was going to see James in the flesh in less than twenty-four hours, and I was actually looking forward to the chance to get it all over with.

Worried thoughts returned quickly though, trying to crowd in on my happiness. I scrutinized the image again. "But, what about the alcohol and the Ativan?"

"Dr. Swan. _Please_. Everything looks perfect."

"But I didn't eat for a week, and I've lost so much weight and I can't keep anything down." All of the fears that I'd held inside came tumbling out of my mouth.

"It sounds like hyperemesis gravidarum. You don't appear dehydrated, so there's no need for an I.V. I'm sure you know where to begin."

"B6, 75 mg. BID, and small servings of protein," I ticked off without thinking. Just the mention of food and my stomach rumbled uncomfortably.

"And if that doesn't do it, we can look into an anti-emetic," Dr. Pace assured me, looking at the monitor from another angle.

I sighed, momentarily placated, until my biggest concern swam to the surface, begging to be addressed. "And… you're _sure_ about the dates?" I asked. I held my hands over my heart and scrunched my eyes closed while I waited for her answer. My stomach churned uncomfortably. I would have liked to have seen Dr. Pace eat small servings of protein while she felt like this.

"Absolutely certain, Dr. Swan. Within a week," she replied, wiping the goo from my belly and giving me a motherly smile. "Is that the answer you wanted to hear?"

But, instead of answering, I leaned over the exam table just in time to puke into the trash.

xXxXx

I'd planned it so that I had just enough time to walk straight to Love Park to meet Edward. No passing 'go', and no collecting two hundred dollars. No time to wonder how exactly to do this, no time to call and postpone it. My feet knew the way and one foot followed the other, over and over, as yellow leaves danced through the air around me. A little green stone and a black and white glossy photo weighed a million pounds in my purse, yet they also made me feel lighter than air.

I crossed the intersection at the traffic circle and passed the tourist center, keeping my eyes on the ground. My heart rattled in my chest with each step. My hair fluttered in front of my face. My feet guided me around a wall of trees, turned a corner, and then walked down a set of steps… and a hand reached for mine. A hand with nails bitten to the nubs, unmanicured and strong. But the feeling when he touched me was the same.

"Edward?" I breathed.

His bright green eyes were filled with concern, but his smile was glowing and bright. Even smiling, he still managed to bite his bottom lip. I couldn't help but mirror his expression.

"You're pale," he murmured, his voice more tender than I'd remembered.

"I was in Forks. It rains."

His eyes flickered over me, and just like that, I felt my nipples tighten in response. "Do they have food there?" he asked. "You've lost weight."

It wasn't exactly what I'd expected him to say. "I'm trying to eat."

"Jesus, B."

Edward took both of my hands in his, and his eyes roamed the park like he was looking for something that he could feed me on the spot. All at once, I remembered his issues with food and grief, and I knew why he was so worried. I wanted to explain immediately, but now that he was here in front of me, holding my hands, I was frightened to death of pushing him away.

We'd agreed. We'd both felt the same way about this. But now I'd changed my mind completely. I hazarded another look at his face and took in the dark circles under his eyes.

"You look tired," I observed.

"I haven't been sleeping well, lately."

"Oh."

"How is -" we both began at the same time. I smiled and ducked my head, and Edward dropped my hands.

"How's Little Bell?" he asked.

"She wanted to… come home, but it's hard on her. I didn't get much sleep last night, either."

Edward blinked and looked away. He rubbed his hands over his thighs.

"She missed you," I added. "She talks about you all the time. _We_ missed you," I corrected.

"You missed me?"

"God, Edward, I… I -I missed you so much that I'm scared to death about what I have to do here."

"What do you have to do, Bella?"

"Can we sit?"

We found a spot on the edge of the fountain and I pulled the small green rock out of my pocket and placed it between us.

"I wanted you to keep that," Edward said as his eyes pleaded with mine. His fingers gently brushed over the smooth little stone.

"That one's not yours," I replied. But the words were wrong, and I knew it. "We have yours at home," I clarified. I wondered if it was still tucked under Nessie's pillow.

"I got a summons from the state two days ago," Edward started, picking up the little stone and rolling it around in the palm of his hand. My heart fluttered. Yellow leaves rustled as they skittered over the concrete and blew against my shoes.

"So did I."

"I'll deny it all, Bella," he said, studying the stone, not meeting my eyes.

"Don't, please."

"But this is your job we're talking about. You need this." He handed me the stone and I clutched it protectively in my palm.

"Can we take a step back?" I asked. "Can I start?"

Edward rested his hand on the ledge and I was dying to take it, to touch him, but I held myself back. "Sure," he breathed glancing up at me, and the look in his bright golden-green eyes took my breath away. He was frightened. So was I.

"Edward, the way we did things… it was out of order. We weren't thinking. Or we just decided not to care. I don't know which it was."

"Bella, I am so fucking sorry. As your attorney I never should have -"

"No, don't, please. As _Nessie's mom_, I shouldn't have pursued you. I should have taken your 'no' as a 'no'. I had a responsibility to my daughter, and to my boyfriend, and to my profession."

"We were both wrong," Edward offered, begging with his eyes for me to give in and agree. The twelve inches between us seemed like a mile, and it took all of my willpower not to cross that barrier and climb into his lap. I knew how secure I'd feel there, I knew that his embrace could make all of the uncertainty go away. But I couldn't start pretending like that again.

"The thing is, Edward, when I was with you, I finally felt like I found the right person. It was what, a couple days, really? But it was never like that before, and I got carried away. I mean, maybe it was the right person, but I did everything wrong, you know?"

"_We _weren't wrong, B."

"I want to try to do things right. I used to do that… I did everything right, you know? Or I tried to, at least."

"Don't you think I get that, Bella? I do. My whole life I worked so fucking hard at being right."

"And then with you, it _felt_ right," I added, completing the thought for the both of us, I hoped.

"It felt so right that everything else went out the fucking window. It was like, when we were together -"

"Feeling right was the only thing that mattered," I interrupted. "But, it wasn't, Edward. I have a family to consider. I don't just need my job; I _want_ my job. Now there's a chance I could lose it all."

"But you won't. I won't let you. I've been working so hard to make sure of that."

Our thoughts had been flowing so easily back and forth, but suddenly I had no idea what Edward was talking about. "What do you mean?"

"I've been thinking that if this shit doesn't work out, if they rule against you in court, or if something happens with Jake's investigation, we could get the hell out of here and start over somewhere, just the three of us."

What was it between Edward and I that made us jump to the ridiculous? What made the ridiculous so tempting? There was no way in hell I could go on the lamb with Edward and my daughter, but as soon as the words were out of his mouth, it sounded like the most tempting idea on the world.

"No!" I practically shouted and Edward startled. I worked to lower my voice. I was angrier with myself than I was with him. "That's the wrong thing again, Edward. I have to try as hard as I can to make this _right_. For Nessie; for all of us."

Edward shook his head and his shoulders slumped, apparently feeling the sting of my rejection. "You only have to worry about yourself and your daughter."

"That's not true, Edward."

Edward silently stared at the ground and he kicked at the accumulating leaves. They were beech leaves, I thought, randomly.

"Ness and I are moving."

"What?" That got his attention. His eyes were on fire, blazing green and yellow.

"Our house isn't good for us anymore," I quickly explained. "There are too many memories, and there's too much upkeep. I can sell it and use the money for a trust for Ness, in case anything happens to me."

"You're moving?" he asked, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

"I could get a place in the suburbs for about a quarter of the price. And it's safer, and Ness could have a yard to play in."

"The suburbs? You're moving to the _suburbs_?" Edward smiled, almost laughing, suddenly lighter. "You fucking scared me. I thought you were about to tell me you were moving to Forks. The fucking suburbs? That's… well, it's not the worst thing in the world." I could see Edward's mind working, though, and I needed to stop it before it went any further.

"I'm not asking _you_ to move to the suburbs, Edward. I'm not giving up on us, but I'm not ready for that insta-relationship we fell into before, either. After the custody hearing, I want to be careful this time around. I want…"

"Our date?" he asked cautiously, still smiling, his hand moving closer to mine. I nodded my head.

"Fuck, B, as soon as the custody hearing is over, I'll start over. I'll do anything. Would you go out for sushi with me?"

I shook my head. "No."

"You're fucking playing with me now, Bella."

I put the rock back on the ledge between us. "I, I -" But I couldn't force the words out. "I, I'm…"

"What is it?" Edward asked, see-sawing from angry to concerned in a heartbeat.

I prayed he'd somehow understand without me having to say the words. Two little words and he could take it all back. He could leave me with just a reminder of what could have been. Would I be strong enough to do that? I'd have to be. My decision had been made.

Edward shook his head like he was giving in to something, and his fingers went for mine. And finally finding safety, feeling the warmth where we met, I bowed my head, and I let the toe of my ballet flat touch the sole of his boot.

"I'm pregnant."

Except for the splatter of the water in the fountain, there was silence. I glanced up and Edward hadn't moved. It looked like he hadn't heard me. "I'm pregnant," I said, louder this time.

I counted the number of times Edward blinked his eyes while my stomach turned summersaults. Five times. He bit his lip and I watched him struggle with his thoughts. I could see that he wanted to look away, but he bravely held my gaze.

"Jacob," he muttered. It wasn't a question, but an acknowledgement.

"No," I breathed.

I could see the muscles of his thighs flexing under his jeans. He wanted to run. He'd told me he didn't want this. He'd been very, very clear.

"You want to start over… with _me_," he nearly growled. "But you're carrying some other man's child?"

Every muscle in his hand had become taut and holding onto him was beginning to hurt. I struggled to pull my hand from his. Edward took it the wrong way and stood to his feet, plunging his hands into his pockets and looking off into the distance.

"Don't you get it? It's yours, Edward."

"Fucking impossible," he muttered.

"I just came from the ultrasound. I wanted to make absolutely sure. I pretty much knew already, I know my cycles, when I pay attention, at least. But now, it's certain. I also wanted to make sure, after the wine and the sedatives and the puking -"

Edward spun around to face me, finally. "Is, is… _it…_ okay?"

I pulled the small picture out of my purse with a shaky hand and placed it on my lap. Edward sat back down, but didn't touch it. I turned it the right way and he scrutinized it like it was a puzzle. "_It's_ perfect," I murmured, tracing the outline with my fingertip. "Look. Right here." I explained, still circling the image.

"That blurry, peanut-looking thing?"

I nodded, my eyes tearing. His child. Crap. I wiped at my eyes. I tried to gather all of my strength for his rejection. His child… I could lose everything for it; I could lose him. But I wanted it, dearly, instinctively.

I felt his thumb against my cheekbone, wiping at the dampness, and I looked up to see green eyes, impossibly happy. "A fucking peanut?"

"Maybe, just a peanut."

He shook his head, his eyes flitting downward towards my non-existent belly. "But, it can't be…"

"There was always a chance, Edward, right? I've, uh, seen, you know, _firsthand_ that you don't have a retrograde flow, which must just mean that your count is down. Right?"

"They said the chances were one in a million."

"_One_… in a million," I repeated. But he still didn't seem to get it. "This is your _one_ in a million. This is your one."

"Holy fuck. My one?"

"Your once in a lifetime?" I tried, repeating his words from the day I'd broken up with him. I'd clung to them nearly every day since I found out I was pregnant.

Edward's fingers brushed against mine.

"B, what the fuck does this mean? You said… What are you going to do?" I saw the hope in his eyes, and it matched the small flame in my heart, and my tears flowed freely.

"It never occurred to me to do anything but keep it. It was so different than it was with Ness. And that's when I started to hope. That's when I decided to come home."

"To keep it," he repeated.

"And I know what you said about having kids."

"That was before -"

"You don't have to decide anything now," I blurted out. "There's so much to think about. I understand if this changes everything."

"You're pregnant, and you want… to go on a date?" he asked, small laughter bubbling up out of his mouth.

"I know that maybe it doesn't make sense. But I'm still scared after the last time. I need time. _ I_ need to make sure."

"I'm sure."

"About having a baby? Really? I mean, do you even know what that means? Crying and spitting up and breast milk and poop everywhere, and sleepless nights -"

"I don't sleep as it is. That's not what it means, B. It means me, and you and Ness."

"It means eighteen years of -"

"What the hell is eighteen years, when all that I -"

"No, please, don't say it. Edward, only, like, six weeks ago you said you knew what you were capable of and that you couldn't have a relationship. You didn't want a girlfriend, let alone… _this_. And Jake was just murdered. I've gone from one guy to another, and both relationships were wrong. I need time. You need time. I can't chance Ness getting attached again, and then one of us fucking it up again."

"Then don't leave me this time," Edward said quietly.

"Edward, what I want scares me to death. I'm not ready to promise that. _Yet_. Let me take care of the things I need to take care of. Let me fix what I can first, okay?"

"What would you say if I told you that I've been trying to fix things while you were gone."

"What do you mean?"

My phone rang in my pocket, interrupting and startling us both. I glanced at the number on the screen and froze. I'd called detective Donovan last night, but I hadn't heard back. Until now.

"It's the detective," I whispered, bringing the phone to my ear.

"_Dr. Swan?"_

I paused, pretty certain that this was the first time the detective had addressed me as 'doctor', puzzling over what that might mean. "Detective?"

"_We'd appreciate it if we could bring you in for questioning again, Dr. Swan."_

'Oh, hell, no,' I thought to myself.

"No. I don't think so, Detective. Until you figure out that I didn't kill my boyfriend, until you start looking for the real killer, then I don't think I'm going to come in so you can make fun of me again."

"_Dr. Swan, please, calm down. Some new evidence has recently come to light. We'd like to ask you a few questions about James Hunter."_

"James?"

"_Your ex-husband."_

"Oh my god."

"_Could you come in tomorrow, please? Or we could come to you."_

"I have a custody hearing tomorrow."

"_What about the next day, then?"_

"Let me ask my lawyer first. I'll give you a call back."

I snapped my phone shut and glanced up at Edward. It looked like he'd been hanging on my every word. "They want to ask me about James. Donovan said something about new evidence. What kind of evidence could they have found? They didn't even listen to me when I told them about James and Victoria. Something must have happened while I was gone."

As I'd been speaking, Edward's look of concern gradually grew into something resembling a smile.

"And why are you smiling?"

"I found Jake's truck in Trenton and I brought the detectives in on it," Edward admitted with a shrug. "And we sent them Jake's phone records, essentially clearing your name."

"Oh my God!" I flung my arms around Edward's neck, and a second later his arms were holding me tight. The relief I felt after hearing what Edward had done for me was compounded exponentially by being held in his arms. I relaxed for the first time in weeks. I'd been back for nearly three days, but I couldn't deny that this was the first time I felt like I was home.

"How did you find it?" I asked, burying my face against the crook of his neck, breathing in his familiar smell, running my fingers through his hair.

"As if I could fucking think right now," he murmured, and I felt his chest heaving, his limbs tensing, his… oh my god.

I pulled away, even though my body was begging me to stay where I was. It was the most comfort I'd felt in weeks. I tried not to stare at his lap like it was the key to my happiness. "A date, first," I said, trying to demonstrate my resolve at the same time I tried to catch my breath.

"You're fucking serious?"

I shook my head. Once again, I'd let down my guard and I hadn't been thinking. I scooted farther away and Edward frowned.

"Let's plan something for after the custody hearing," I asked.

"What about the ethics panel?"

I looked across the fountain towards the building where Edward used to work. "The thing is, that interview is after the custody hearing," I tried to explain.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I took an oath, Edward. I pushed this, pushed us. There are technicalities, and nuances, but I knew that what I was doing was wrong."

"Bella, shit, no…"

"You didn't lie to Laurent," I protested.

"This is different, Bella."

"I can't deny it, Edward. Not now."

I watched the realization dawn on his face. "The baby," he murmured.

"The baby. They won't know now, but eventually. And if I lie now, if it comes up again it will only be worse for me. And I don't want to lie. Not about us. Maybe this time I'll just get off with a slap on the wrist. Maybe probation, or a temporary suspension, or something like that."

"I don't want to let you do that. They're seeing me in three days. I'm going to tell them that nothing happened."

"I won't say that! You didn't deny it for your job, and neither will I. You're this baby's father. I'm telling the truth, and I've got to trust that it will work out in the end. I'm trying something new, I'm trying faith."

Edward's hand traveled across the granite, his fingertips barely touched mine. "You want to take this slow. You want to go on a date with me. And you want to have my baby."

"Yeah," I agreed, feeling suddenly shy. My cheeks warmed as I stared into his golden-green eyes. "You look happy," I murmured.

"I am," he breathed, and he moved his fingertips back and forth, brushing them ever so slightly against mine. It was like we were completing a circuit, and those stunning little charges, those pinpricks of energy returned, stronger than ever. Once again, I held myself back from diving into his arms.

"Was the funeral awful?" he asked.

"No, it was good. I needed to say goodbye."

"That's not what I meant."

"Leah told Jake's sisters about us. They didn't say anything to anyone else in town, but they stood up towards the front at the memorial and kind of held me back with their eyes, you know?"

"If I was there, I wouldn't have let them put you in the corner, baby."

"Did you just quote _Dirty Dancing_ to me?" I chuckled.

Edward shrugged and looked like he might actually laugh. "Not word for word," he mumbled.

"_Dirty Dancing_?" I laughed. I figured he would have been watching _Sid and Nancy_ back then, or maybe _Faces of Death_.

"Leave me the fuck alone, it was a good fucking movie," Edward said with a smirk.

"And here I was scared of walking out of this park and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way that I feel when I'm with you," I said with a sly smile.

That time Edward laughed out loud, and so did I, and it felt good to do something light, like make a joke. It all felt normal for the first time since I found out that Jake was gone.

"Can I walk you home?" he asked.

"I don't think so."

"I could be at the hearing tomorrow," he offered.

"Uh… Aminah thought it would be a good idea to keep you off the stand."

"I know. But moral support, maybe?"

"I'd like that."

Edward hailed me a cab, and we both resisted touching one another, almost. His fingers brushed against mine again as I slipped into the back seat, and he held me with his eyes, until they dipped to look at my non-existent belly.

"Fucking peanut," he murmured.

"Just peanut," I corrected, again. I plucked the little green rock out of my pocket and handed it back to him. It disappeared in Edward's fist.

"You promise you'll go on this date, Bella? Because otherwise I'm climbing into this fucking cab, and I'm not letting you go."

"I promise," I assured him. And this promise was infinitely easier to make.

xXxXx

Edward wanted me back and he wanted the baby. He didn't say I was nuts when I told him I still wanted to take things slow. It made my next task that much easier. I had an appointment with my lawyer. I doubted that what I had to say was going to go over as well.

We spent the meeting discussing strategy. I had to concentrate on what happened when I was married to James. I had to go there on the stand and let the horror speak through me. I had a line-up of character witnesses, including Carlisle and Esme, Jessica and Mike, and some of my old supervisors from CHOP. Nessie's pre-school teacher wrote a letter about how well adjusted she was, and her doctor wrote a note about how healthy and developmentally advanced she was.

We'd covered our bases. Almost. Aminah advised me that it was too soon to bring up termination of parental rights. It's what I wanted more than anything, but her opinion was that we should get James' request for expanded custody denied first, then we could move forward with the next motion. Even with his history, unless James committed a felony or was sentenced to a long prison term, a judge was unlikely to grant the request. We'd see about that. I'd just recently appointed my dad as Nessie's guardian in case of my death, but I had long term hopes about who my daughter's father should be.

Then, there would be a cross-examination, and after everything that had recently happened, it probably wouldn't be pretty.

I took a deep breath and gave it to her straight.

"I'm not going to lie, Aminah."

"Excuse me, Isabella? When did I tell you to lie on the stand?"

"About Edward," I clarified.

Aminah closed her eyes in a gesture I'd come to identify with her trying to stay calm. "What the fuck are you planning on saying?"

"I'll admit that I jumped into a loving and committed relationship. But when I realized that things were going too far, too fast, I took a step back."

"Bella, we've spoken about this."

"No, Aminah. You spoke and I listened. Edward means more to me than anyone but Ness, and maybe my dad. I love him. He doesn't deserve anything less than the truth on the stand. Anyway, the damage is mostly done, right?"

Aminah eyed me suspiciously. "You've seen him, haven't you?"

"Right before I came here. But we just talked - in _public._ It was important."

"More important than your case? Than your daughter?" she challenged, rising to her feet and beginning her cross-examination.

"It was up there. I'm pregnant, Aminah."

Aminah slapped her palm against her forehead.

"No one knows," I assured her. "No one but Edward, anyway. But I wanted you to know, too. Full disclosure, right?"

"You're sure you haven't told a soul?" she asked, pacing the room again.

"Just Edward. He's excited," I gushed.

"Well, fucking good for him! Now what is he going to do for you? That's what I want to know. He's gotten you so deep in this shit."

"I can't believe I'm going to lose Nessie because we fell in love, Aminah. It can't work that way."

I tried really hard to hold onto that newfound faith. Because after this afternoon, I knew that Edward was ready to do anything for me, and for Ness, and for the peanut. I had to trust that it would work out. The alternative was too scary.

* * *

**A/N: I'm excited to announce that TPoL won TWO Rare Gem awards: Best Cock Block, and The Flawless Pearl Best Up and Comer Award! Thanks so much to everyone that voted!**

**So many of you guessed at B being pregnant. For all that have asked, most men after testicular cancer are not infertile. Some men are infertile as a result of surgery that damages nerves, resulting in retrograde sperm flow. This isn't what Edward has... we've, um, seen his semen in this story. Most men have lowered sperm counts up to five years post treatment. But for a lucky 5-7%, especially those that underwent aggressive treatment for advanced cancer, they remain infertile for life. This type of infertility is just due to having a low sperm count, not no sperm... so there is always an outside possibility of impregnating someone. Wow... aren't you glad I don't write non-fiction, lol.**

**Thank you so much for all of your reviews... and for everyone that's pimped this fic on Twitter and Ravelry and TFFA and FB, Thank You! Thanks to Lindz and fuzzyltlwingedthing, too, who awesomely work around my crazy schedule.**

**You can thank CoffeeluvaNZ for the Dirty Dancing quotes. They were promised some time ago.**

**My thoughts and prayers go out to ButterflyBetty. I know I'll miss your review this week, and it reminds me about the gravity of what you're going through. Stay strong, lady!**

**Until next week, XXX, M**


	31. Chapter 28

**EPOV**

She hadn't left the picture with me. I'd thought of it too late. She was already gone, the cab just a small yellow dot in the distance. Yeah, I wanted to see it again: that little non- descript blurry thing, the roundish white blob in the center of a field of black. It was hard to believe, but I'd never known Bella to lie, no matter how hard the truth was. Fuck, I knew she wasn't lying. I could see the sincerity in her eyes. Bella was having my child.

I laughed out loud as I turned back in the direction of the hotel, and some women passing by viewed me askance. They probably thought I was fucking crazy, and I supposed they were right. Because there was almost nothing I wanted more than this kid that I hadn't even known about half an hour ago. How did something like that happen?

Having a child was something I had never considered. Actually, it was something I had been grateful was impossible. Any kid of mine would be laden with half of my disastrous genes: for cancer, heart disease, OCD, and insensitive prickishness. The last two conditions might not have been passed through genetics, but it didn't matter much when it came to my dad and me. Those traits eased on down through the family line.

Yet it didn't seem to matter anymore. Bella was having my child. We were having a child _together_. I could actually have a kid with Bella's big brown eyes, her wavy brown hair, and judging from Bella and Ness, a kid that was sharp as a tack. Fuck. My kid.

I couldn't help smiling at the doorman as I walked into the hotel. I glanced at the silver plate on his vest and addressed him by name. "Hey, Dwayne." Dwayne looked at me like I was nuts. Made sense. I'd never said more than three words to him before. But he recovered enough to give an awkward wave. I chuckled and made a mental note to talk to him more in the future. After he opened doors for people all day, the least I could do was say hi to good old Dwayne.

But as I opened the door to my own room, my mood immediately plummeted. I was going to be a father, and all I had to my name was a filthy fucking hotel room. Apparently, not even the cleaning staff could keep up with my slovenliness. What the fuck? I went to work to organize and make the place spotless. I had half a mind to throw away the filthy clothing littering every fucking surface, but I realized that I didn't have money to spare these days. Not if I was going to have a kid. I smiled again as I set to work.

Thank fuck I was cleaning, because it grounded me and helped me deal with the landslide of ideas that came with the harsh reality of my living situation. I needed a real place to live. Bella wanted to take things slow. That was fucking fine, and a little funny, but it meant that we wouldn't be moving in together anytime soon. In fact, Bella was moving to a house in the suburbs. I loved her, but I had a sinking fucking feeling I would die a slow death in that land of strip malls, pizza places and nail salons. Christ. Was that my future?

I guess it fucking was. Eventually. After we could get this slow dating shit out of the way.

Which led to the next fucking dilemma. I'd begun filing the necessary paperwork to acquire that condemned house from the city. After wandering past it night after night, I'd gone with my gut. But fuck knows I didn't have the money to fix it up, let alone the funds to even begin to think about whatever Judge O'Connor was proposing. I'd wanted to ask Esme about helping me financially at dinner the other night, but after that shit storm with Alice and Emmett, it clearly hadn't been the time or the place.

Anyway, spending all my savings on a condemned building was a stupid move with a kid on the way. Even if I found a way to fix it up, I couldn't have Bella and Little Bell in that neighborhood after dark, not to mention a baby. _My_ baby.

My fucking baby. Holy shit. On inspiration, I hit up a cleaning cart I found in the hallway, and started to _really_ clean the bathroom. As I scrubbed at the tile and grout, I tried to put together a mental list. I needed a job, one that paid money. I needed an apartment, at least. I needed… baby stuff, right? Damn, I didn't even know if there was anything Bella needed, or how pregnant she was or when she was due. I needed to ask her about all of that. She'd said she was trying to eat, that she'd been puking for a week, but I hadn't even thought to ask her about it until now. _Fuck. _

She was so skinny and pale, and pregnant. It didn't seem right. Wasn't she supposed to glow? Should her eyes have looked sunken into their sockets like that? Even so, she'd smiled, and her eyes glittered, and despite everything, she said she had faith. But in what? In the world, in herself, or in me? Was it because of the kid?

That little unevenly shaped, oval-ish thing. The peanut.

I laughed again as I turned on the shower. It was all fucking unreal. Bella left for Jake's funeral as one person, and she'd come back as another. In one way, now she was like a shadow of the Bella I'd fallen in love with: pale and skinny and tired around the eyes. But in another way she was a stronger and more determined version of herself, which was saying a lot. Because as far as I could tell, she'd always been determined: determined to complete medical school and her residency despite her fucked up home life, determined to get me to admit my feelings for her, and now she was determined to fix everything and to have our child.

Well, I was fucking determined to do right by her. And her daughter. And the fucking peanut. _Christ_.

I called Bella as soon as I was out of the shower, but I only got her voicemail.

"_Hey, Bella, I know we just talked like an hour ago, but I didn't fucking ask about the puking, or how old the… _peanut_ is, or when you're due, or if you need anything. Do you need anything? I know you said…_ it_ was perfect, but what about you? Yeah, um, okay. Call me, or um, I'll just see you in the morning, I guess_."

I dropped off my dirty clothing at the dry cleaner's, and on a whim I ducked into the drug store next door. The baby aisle was full of cans of formula, and there were about a million different bottle top-nipple things, and plastic ring things, and thermometers to stick in mouths, and ears and asses. Asses? What kind of fucked up parent would stick something up their kid's ass?

And that's when I saw it. It was supposed to be frozen for some indecipherable reason, and then the baby could chew on it like a dog. Huh. But whether or not I understood its purpose, I had to get it. It was shaped like a peanut. I guess it was my kid's first chew toy: a peanut for the peanut. I smiled as I paid for it at the register.

I kept my hand closed around the little peanut in my one pocket and the little stone Bella had given me in the other, as I made my way to my realtor's office with a sinking, yet determined heart. I was actually surprised to see Riley there. I guess I'd figured he'd be out with a client and maybe I'd leave a message with someone, then maybe he'd get back to me, and then maybe I'd let him know what I wanted. But as I shook his hand and regarded his eager, baby-face and light blue eyes, I knew that somehow I'd skipped several steps, and there was nothing left but to open my mouth and speak.

Riley beat me to it though, as he ushered me to a chair. "The paperwork on the Tinsley Mansion should probably go through in the next couple days, Mr. Masen. It's in a redevelopment zone, so they'll move fast on it."

I sighed and held my head in my hands. "Can we undo the paperwork, Riley?"

"_Undo_, Mr. Masen?"

"Things have changed. I'm thinking more along the lines of a rental, in a safe neighborhood, somewhere. Well, as safe as you can get in this goddamned city."

Riley pursed his lips. This was obviously not what he wanted to hear. "_Safe_?" he asked almost like it was an insult. The neighborhood where the house was located certainly wasn't safe. "I see. _Safe_."

He took a deep breath and tried to gather himself. Poor kid. I'd just dashed his commission. "Safe, like Mt. Airy? Or maybe you'd like something in Center City, somewhere like Rittenhouse Square? Then there are safe pockets in the deep South… you know, the real South Philly."

That's when it occurred to me that Bella had mentioned the suburbs, but Philadelphia was a sprawling mess, and "the suburbs" could be hours away in any direction. Hell, it could mean Jersey. I shuddered at the fucking thought. Would she really move to Jersey?

"Actually, I don't fucking know, Riley. I guess you should sit on that too. I just can't get involved with that house right now. Can you put a stop to it?"

"Well, yeah, I mean they're not going to force you to buy, but… they may offer incentives now that you're backing out."

I was tempted to ask for details, but I held my tongue and stood up instead. "No, not gonna happen. Not now. I'll be in touch about other neighborhoods, though. Okay?"

Riley was new enough at the game that he lacked that unctuous swagger that so many realtors used to push their unwitting clients. It's why I'd gone with him. Well, that, and he was a friend of Seth's. I walked out of the office with the feeling that I'd taken two steps forward and two steps back. But you do what you fucking have to, and I didn't have the time to dick around.

I'd start looking for a real place after I spoke with Bella and had a better idea where she wanted to live. Until then, I had my other fucking list to go through, the one dedicated to bringing down James Hunter.

Back at my room, I checked in with Felix, Alec and Maxim. But there wasn't anything suspicious going on at either Bella or James' homes. The engagement ring hadn't turned up. And as it turned out, James didn't read to blind monks on the weekends; he volunteered at the library instead.

I threw the phone across the room in frustration. I'd wanted to have James behind bars before the custody hearing so his motion could be summarily dismissed, but it didn't look like that was going to happen. Finding the truck didn't seemed to have done a fucking thing, and suddenly all the money that had gone down the drain finding that piece evidence looked like a monumental fucking waste of my unborn child's future.

I decided to find the fucking phone so I could give Jenks a call. (He did this shit for a living, so I hoped he'd have a better idea than I did about where to go from there.) But as I hauled myself off the bed, there was an urgent knock at the door. My body snapped to attention; there was only one person I wanted to see at that moment.

"Come on, Edward! Open up!" Alice called.

But that one person wasn't my cousin.

I sighed in disappointment. I knew Bella said she wanted to take it slow, and I certainly knew she shouldn't be in my hotel room the night before her custody hearing, but my body didn't seem to give a fuck. I'd have to work on that.

"I know you're in there, Edward!" Alice yelled louder. You'd think I'd been making her wait for hours. As soon as I had the door open, she pushed past me into the room.

"So are you going to come out and tell me? Or are you going to make me guess?"Alice quizzed me as she tossed her jacket on the bed.

"Is this how you greet everyone lately, Alice, or just me?" I asked, with an involuntary chuckle. "And for the record, I don't know what the hell you're talking about,"

Of course, I fucking knew exactly what Alice was getting at. Her uncanny intuition was at it again. But I felt pretty certain Bella wouldn't want me spreading news around about the peanut. I silently vowed to keep Bella's secret to myself until she told me otherwise. Or was it _our_ secret? Fuck, it must have been _our_ secret, because it was _our_ kid. I found myself smiling again, and I ducked my head and tried to hide my face from Alice.

"Earth to Edward," Alice laughed as she plopped herself on the bed. "I lost you there for a few seconds, Big Brother. Nice cleaning job, by the way. I was beginning to think that Emmett kicked Tyler and Eric out and they moved in here with you."

"Very fucking funny, Alice."

"Well, you know, you're just not usually so messy, and so… _happy_?"

I guess she saw the smile. "Listen, what's up, Alice? This is the second time you're over here in a week. If you want a hotel room so badly, I'm sure we could find you one of your own."

"You're going to make me say it, aren't you?" Alice asked with a defeated sigh. She fell backwards on the bed so that she was staring at the ceiling, instead of at me. "I just had a… _feeling_, you know? A really good one. And I could use some good news right about now. I've never been this bad at life before. Right now I'm not talking to anyone but you and my staff. You _have_ to know how hard that is for me, _and_ for my staff. I brought an intern into my office this morning just to talk her ear off about the crap I saw people wearing on the El this morning. I'm _dying_ over here, Big Brother. Throw me a lifeline, okay? I mean, if mom leaves one more message about how I should apologize to Emmett, I'm going to lose it."

I'd settled into the chair across the room, content to let Alice babble it out as she needed, until she mentioned Emmett. My mood immediately shifted, and I tried to check my growing anger. I reminded myself that I wasn't angry at Alice, but at myself for coming between them.

"I mean, come on!" she continued obliviously. "That was the most tactless thing Emmett could have done at that dinner table that night. He's totally been tackled one too many times. Don't you think?"

"I'm not getting into this, Alice," I said through clenched teeth as I drummed my fist against the arm of the chair. "If you came to rehash our dinner conversation, I'm not interested.

xXxXx

The Cullen family argument was, in fact, the only conversation that happened over dinner that evening. By the time I'd made it back to the dining room after speaking to Bella, grinning like a fool, Emmett and Rosalie had already excused themselves. Esme's eyes were red and puffy, and Carlisle left the table in favor of completing paperwork in his office instead of finishing the food on his plate. Alice uncharacteristically kept her eyes on the down and didn't utter another syllable for the remainder of the meal.

Years of pent up anger and resentment had been unloaded at that enormous dining room table, and by the looks of it, it was going to take more than the housekeeper to clean up the mess. But Esme silently rose to help Carmen clear the table anyway, and Alice kicked me and nodded towards the front door.

"Not yet, Alice," I hissed under my breath. I still hadn't spoken to Carlisle. "I'll be right back."

"I'll be waiting by the front door," Alice whispered back. "Please make it quick."

My uncle had left the door to his office open, but he didn't seem to notice me as I approached from the hall. I was momentarily surprised at how much he'd aged these past few weeks. Carlisle's summertime tan was gone, and it had been replaced with a pasty pallor. His lean body seemed to sag under the weight of the world. The family argument had taken a lot out of him, and I wished I could offer him some kind of assurance. But I'd never seen Alice and Emmett go after one another like that before, and I decided a better tack would be to ignore everything that had happened at the dinner table.

"Carlisle?" I asked, stepping cautiously into the dimly lit room.

"Edward, please, close the door and have a seat."

My resolve not to bring up the argument crumbled as soon as I was sitting across from my uncle. There was something about the way his chest looked sunken and the deep worry lines etched into his forehead that made me at least try to smooth things over.

"I'm so sorry about dinner," I began. "I didn't mean to come here and -"

But Carlisle held up his hand and I stopped speaking in mid-sentence. There was no way I was going to talk out of order after what we'd both just been through.

"You don't have anything to apologize to me for, Edward. Although, in time, I believe each member of this family will have to apologize to Rosalie. That was an embarrassing display right after announcing her engagement."

"Rosalie? I don't think that's exactly -"

Carlisle silenced me with his eyebrows this time.

"I think that what happened between Rosalie and Bella should probably remain between Rosalie and Bella. And while ill timed, Emmett and Rosalie's engagement was certainly not cause for a row the likes of what I just saw out there. I only hope, for all of our sakes, we can move past this with no hard feelings. Otherwise, it will surely kill Esme.

"But this… _disagreement_ isn't why I asked to speak with you tonight, Edward."

"Thank fuck," I muttered, before quickly apologizing. Carlisle let my swearing slide, came around to my side of the desk and perched on the edge.

"I've had word from the state. They'll be proceeding with Bella's investigation, and as her employer, they wanted me to be aware. I imagine you'll receive notification within days."

The silver lining I'd begun to see after speaking with Bella immediately turned gray. I sank deeper into my chair. It was overstuffed and fuzzy and uncomfortable.

"So, um, how do these kinds of things proceed?" I asked with a deep sigh. My words sounded almost like a plea, and Carlisle came and sat down in the chair next to mine.

"First they'll bring you and the complainant in for questioning. What the two of you say under oath sets the basis for the rest of the evidentiary hearings, and -"

"I can deny it all, then," I said, interrupting Carlisle this time.

"That would be perjury. But as a lawyer, I'm sure you're aware of that."

I laughed grimly. "Like I give a damn about perjury at this point."

"Edward, there's a big difference between an unemployed lawyer and an _unemployable_ lawyer. Don't you think that difference might matter to Bella, if not to you?"

I pushed that thought from my mind, intent on the idea that I could help Bella keep her job. I hoped.

"How bad is this, Carlisle? I mean, I only saw Bella twice as a patient. Nothing happened, then, really."

Carlisle's eyebrows shot up with the word 'really'.

"Nothing _at all_, Carlisle."

"I don't advise lying, son. You're not very good at it," he said dryly.

"Nothing but attraction," I clarified.

"Edward, as a patient in our practice it doesn't matter how many times Dr. Swan acted as your physician. She technically should never have pursued any other kind of relationship until you ended your doctor/patient relationship in writing. I say 'technically', because these kinds of things happen in real life quite often, but they're seldom reported. Unfortunately, our ethical codes of conduct as physicians are very clear, and with evidence, a state panel would be left with little choice."

"Little choice but to…" I asked, my heart pounding.

"They have wide latitude. It could be anything from censure to suspension."

xXxXx

"Edward, I'm sorry… You actually looked happy when I came in here before, and now I've made you as miserable as I am," Alice pouted, bringing me back to the present.

"It wasn't you, Alice. There's enough unpleasantness to go around, lately."

"Then help us both. Tell me what was making you all cheery before. Please?" she begged.

"I was happy to get the room cleaned up," I tried.

"Not buying it, Big Brother," Alice said, rolling onto her belly and studying my face.

"You know, I could just ask you to leave, Alice."

"But who would you have to talk to, then?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. I was honestly hoping that Bella would call me back soon. Alice's eyes lit with sudden understanding. I swear it was like she could read my thoughts sometimes.

"You saw her, didn't you? Oh my god. How is she? How's Bella?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Alice. How's J?" I asked, trying to keep her off the scent of the peanut.

Alice's face fell and she flopped back down on the bed. I felt momentarily guilty for throwing her own problems at her as a means of distraction. "I told you the other day, Edward. J's in L.A."

"Come on, he must have called you back by now."

"Yep."

"And?"

"And he's planning on stopping over in Philly between Australia and Nashville… To check on his sister," she huffed.

I laughed out loud and Alice shot me a look that let me know my one remaining ball was in serious jeopardy. "I'm sorry, Alice. I shouldn't have laughed. It's just that… _That's_ what he said? He's coming back to Philly early to check on his _sister_?"

Alice shrugged and folded her arms across her chest. "She's sick."

"And he fucking loves you, you idiot. You two are impossible! It's amazing to me that this guy can put so much feeling into a fucking song, but discussing your relationship is too fucking scary for either one of you."

"Whatever," Alice huffed. "It took you thirty-two years to figure out how to do that. Anyway, now it's definitely your turn. Time to reveal your big secret."

"Who says it's a secret?" I challenged.

Alice came to life again. "There!" she said, pointing her finger at my face. "You admitted it! You totally have something big you're keeping from me."

I tried not to growl.

"I can hear it in that wimpy-ass growl, Edward. You _want_ to tell me."

The thing is Alice was right. I wanted to spill the beans. Kind of desperately. I mean, I was having a kid with Bella, for fuck's sake. It was the biggest news of my fucking life.

"You promise you won't say _anything_ to _anyone_?" I asked, equal parts guilty and excited.

"Umm…" Alice hedged.

"Not good enough, Little Sis."

But before Alice had a chance to reply, my phone started ringing from its mystery location. Alice had barged in before I'd had a chance to find it earlier. I jumped to my feet, desperate not to miss the call, just in case it was Bella… or Felix, Maxim, or Alec, of course. But Alice was all over it, and she dove in the direction of the ring.

"Not this again," I groaned.

"It's your girlfriend," she giggled, jumping up and holding the phone over her head.

I calmly stared my cousin in the eye. "Not now, Alice. Not _fucking _now," I hissed. And miraculously, she took me seriously and dropped the phone into my waiting palm.

xXxXx

"Bella!"

"_Six weeks_," Bella laughed on the other end of the line.

"Excuse me?"

"_You asked how old the peanut was_."

I did some quick calculations, but it didn't make any sense. "But, uh, Bella, we didn't -" I glanced across the room at Alice and stopped myself.

"_Oh, right. They start the count from your last period_."

"Oh," I answered noncommittally, planning on looking it up on-line after Alice left.

"_So, that means I'm due in June_."

"June… that's, wow, like -"

"_Like seven and a half months away,_" Bella finished for me with a giggle. "_I think those were all of your questions, right?_"

"No, I asked about you too, B."

"_Right. What I needed… Well, I need James and the state out of my hair. And I need a nap_."

"That's not exactly what I meant, baby."

"_I wasn't sure you'd want this, Edward, especially on my terms. You gave me everything I needed when you said yes today._"

With that, Bella and I faded into one of those silences where everything was right in our world. I closed my eyes and pictured her sitting with her knees drawn up to her chin wearing those cut-offs of hers that I loved. I wondered if her toenails were still painted black. I pictured her hair falling over her shoulders, soft curls brushing against her skin. I had the silly urge to kiss the freckles on her nose.

Alice broke the spell, though, when she giggled from across the room. I opened my eyes to see her staring out the window, with the glimmer of a smile on her lips.

"Shit," I mumbled, slipping into the bathroom. I should never have said anything in front of Alice, but I didn't want Bella to know I'd fucked up already.

"_What?"_ Bella asked, suddenly alarmed.

"What about the throwing up?" I asked, purposefully keeping my voice low at the same time I avoided Bella's question.

"_Now that I know what the hell's going on, I'll get it figured out. If it gets worse, I'll try meds_."

"Shit, medication? But what about -"

"_The peanut_?" she asked, simultaneously finishing my question, taking my breath away and making me smile all at once. "_I wouldn't use anything that would hurt the peanut_."

"I found something today," I added as I pulled the peanut out of my pocket.

"_Shit_!" Bella swore on her end, and I jumped and dropped the peanut on the ground. I picked it up and plopped it in the sink, grateful that I'd kept those cleaning supplies from the cart. No way was my kid putting something in his mouth that had been on the floor.

"_Nessie's up again,"_ Bella explained before I could ask. "_Lately, she can't sleep unless I'm in the room with her. I've got to go, Edward_."

I sat myself down on the toilet, feeling suddenly useless and wishing more than anything that I could go over there and help. But I reminded myself that Bella didn't want to go back to the insta-relationship. It wasn't what she wanted, and it fucking stung. But at the same time, I knew that whatever we were doing now was for real, and I was grateful. Slow speed dating, and all.

"I'll see you in the morning, then?" I asked.

"_Thanks. I'll look for you_."

"I wish I could do more."

"_It'll mean a lot to have you there. Ugh… Ness is really losing it, Edward. I've got to go_."

"Bella, I love -" But she was gone before I could finish. My pregnant ex and almost girlfriend. My former client and former doctor. Mom to Little Bell, the little girl that was freaking out in her bedroom, and who wanted me to be her daddy. I clicked the phone closed and washed the peanut off before meeting Alice in the main room.

xXxXx

"Oh my god!" Alice sang out, clutching her hands in front of her. Obviously, she'd finally figured it out.

"I swear to God, Alice. Not a word to anyone."

"I guessed right, then?"

I held my breath and my fingers closed around the damp peanut in my pocket.

"Oh. My. God!" Alice squealed. "Oh my god, oh my god! Is it -"

I bit my lip and nodded my head, still barely breathing.

"Aunt Alice!" she cheered, running at me and throwing her arms around my chest. "God, I had a feeling someone was knocked up, but my money was on Rose!"

"Makes sense," I agreed, hugging her back, my heart filled to fucking overflowing. Saying it to someone besides Bella made it that much more real.

But Alice struggled out of my embrace. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like… well, I, uh…"

"Alice, it's okay. This wasn't supposed to happen. _Ever_," I said, laughing, and crossing the room to get us both celebratory bottles of water from the mini fridge.

"Hey, Big Brother, I'm going to be an aunt. Do you have anything stronger than that in there?" I fished out little bottles of something or other and tossed them in Alice's direction. She lined them all up on the table, laughing.

"You're happy?" Alice asked, glancing up from her liquor.

"You still haven't promised not to say anything."

"About you being happy?" she laughed. "You're right. I might make someone die of shock with that news." Alice took a swig from one of the little bottles and coughed violently. I tossed the extra bottle of water in her direction.

"Alice, come on. Bella's got a custody hearing and an ethics panel in the next couple of days."

"Listen, I thought it was understood. My lips are sealed, Edward. Promise. So, this means that I was right after all?" she asked.

"Right about what, Alice?"

"It's four weeks after we were sitting on my living room floor. Four weeks after I made a prediction about you two. I thought I was wrong, but maybe not. Are you and Bella still together, Big Brother?"

"I think we almost are."

xXxXx

I'd like to say that I woke up early the next morning to get ready for court. But, you guessed it; I spent most of the night awake and in front of the computer. I updated my resume, learned everything I could about pregnancy, and scouted out the least loathsome suburban locations to buy a home. I know I didn't really have any say in the home part. I'd only just scored a date with Bella, she'd made that clear. But still, a man could hope that he didn't end up behind a mall in Cherry Hill.

As always, I was crazy-person early at the courthouse. Some things you just can't fucking shake, I guess. I leaned against the grimy brick building and did my best not to choke on car exhaust. It wasn't easy during rush hour on a narrow city street in Center City. Instead of gracing one of those tree-lined boulevards like the other courts in Philadelphia, The Domestic Relations Division of Family Court was hidden on a side street below Market. It was like the city wanted to keep the Jerry Springer element of the justice system a secret, or some shit. I'd never set foot into one of those old colonial buildings with marble steps and columns, except for the odd field trip or two as a kid.

I pretended to pay close attention to my Blackberry, but kept a cautious eye on the people rushing past. I had no patience for stumbling through an awkward conversation with someone from my old firm. If I were on top of my fucking game, I'd be talking up other attorneys, looking for an in with a new firm. But my heart wasn't in it. This morning there was just one person on my mind. Okay, maybe two people; we were here for Little Bell, for god's sake. I chuckled under my breath. Two and a half people, if you counted the peanut.

But the laughter died in my throat as I spotted the tall blond fucker with the slicked back ponytail walking down the street. I couldn't pretend at being disinterested anymore. Hell, I could hardly keep myself from rushing him and clocking him square in the jaw. Every muscle in my body clenched and I worked to keep my back against the courthouse wall as James Hunter walked towards me.

He was laughing at something his attorney said, his hands slung in his pockets like he didn't have a care in the fucking world. He took long, easy strides that appeared kind of masculine and graceful at the same time, and his smile made his lawyer swoon. I fucking hated him. Seeing him in the flesh, I wanted him fucking dead. I cursed myself for tailing him and monitoring him when I could have just asked Felix to pull some strings and put a hit out on him. To hell with the house in the southwest or an apartment in some safe neighborhood, right now I didn't have any doubt that James' death would have been the best thing I could have used my savings on.

You can't stare at a man like I was and expect him not to notice, especially not a predator like Hunter. The man glanced casually in my direction, and his steel blue eyes locked with mine. He tried to hide the glimmer of recognition, but I had no doubt he knew who I was. His smile turned from alluring to menacing, just like that, and he discretely nodded his head in my direction before his eyes surveyed me from head to toe.

It wasn't like me to stand there and do nothing, but I wasn't going to fuck things up for Bella. And beating the fuck out of James on the courthouse steps probably wouldn't help her at the moment. So, I simply stood my ground, and I didn't fucking look away. That made Hunter that much more pleased with himself, and he purposefully walked towards the door nearest to where I was standing.

"Isabella's a whore," he hissed as he brushed by me. "Bitch'll just step out on you too, like she does with everyone else, lawyer-man."

"Fuck you, you -"

"Edward!" a familiar voice warned from close by. Just like that, James was whisked away by his lawyer and in his place was a seething Amazon of an attorney with her hands on her hips. I had half a mind to knock her out of the way and go after James, but Aminah stalked closer, until she was inches from my face.

"What in hell do you think you're you doing here?" she demanded.

"Christ, Aminah. Did you hear what the asshole just fucking said to me?"

"Get a hold of yourself, Masen! First you send me this case that you've screwed up, and then you fuck with it some more. Now, I'll be damned if you're going to beat his ass in the lobby of this courthouse!"

But I ignored Aminah, searching for Bella, instead. After one look at James, I had the intense need to keep her safe, especially considering the way he'd treated her the last time she was pregnant. It had been his own fucking child that he'd endangered. I hadn't appreciated just how sick James Hunter was until that very moment.

"Aminah, where's Bella?"

"My client's running late, Masen. She wasn't _feeling well_ this morning," Aminah said very quietly as she slowly shook her head. "You better hope to god that no one else has gotten wind of that shit."

"It's not shit," I whispered back with rising indignation.

"A month or two without practicing law, and it appears you've forgotten everything. You know what _that_ would do to her case, don't you?"

"Focus on the animal that just walked past, okay Aminah?"

"Easy for you to say, you don't have to argue this case in court. The man's turned into a saint at the very time Bella's world's fallen apart."

"I find his fucking sainthood a little hard to believe."

"Have you found any evidence to the contrary? Has your little investigation turned up anything more than mine has?"

"Bella's boyfriend's truck," I offered. "We found it in Trenton, burned out."

Aminah shook her head and pressed her hand over her eyes. "You know that has no bearing in this courtroom, right?"

"I know that man's a fucking menace."

"Edward, maybe Hunter isn't the devil. Maybe he's changed."

"As Bella's attorney, I hope you didn't just fucking say that. Not before representing her in court."

"Don't get me wrong, Masen. I'm going to fight tooth and nail in there, no help from you and your bedroom antics. I'm just saying that maybe it's about time we all dropped this attitude that the world is going to end if that man gets eight supervised hours a month with Vanessa. Because, let's face it, we all have to know at this point that it's the most likely outcome."

"Not if I were representing her."

"Well, that's not possible, now, is it?"

Aminah's phone buzzed and she backed the fuck down to take the call. So much for remaining discrete, though. Our little conversation, while hushed, had attracted more attention than I would have hoped. I saw a familiar face in the crowd begin to make a beeline in my direction. But, luckily, my phone buzzed to life, and I ducked around the corner to take the call.

"Maxim?"

"_I have her."_

"Who? What're you talking about?"

"_I think maybe you should come. I have no reason to call the police, and it won't look good for me if I forced her off the road_."

"Force _who_ off the road, Maxim?"

"_The woman in the blue car. The woman you call Stanley O'Mara. I'm following the car._"

I scanned the street around me like I half expected them to come speeding by, weaving in and out of traffic or some shit. "Where the hell are you, Maxim?"

"_Route 206 South, coming up on Mt. Holly."_

"Shit, you're just over the bridge." I glanced at my watch and then looked around for Bella again. I noticed her neighbors, Jessica and Mike walking past. Jessica gave a little wave in my direction before ducking her head and blushing furiously.

"_Will you come_?" Maxim asked insistently.

"Now's not exactly the best time. Anyway, why do we need two cars tailing this woman?"

"_I wasn't sure if I should follow Hunter to court this morning. I began tailing him, but thought better of it, you know. I wanted to investigate the home."_

I resisted the urge to punch the wall, and counted that as a small victory. "Maxim, I told you -"

"_Yes, yes, nothing illegal," _he said, like I was being the world's biggest pain in the ass._ "But, Edward, when legal methods don't bring you what you need, there are always other options."_

"What did you do?" I groaned, praying that this P.I. hadn't just gotten me into a shitload of fucking trouble.

"_Nothing! I was interrupted. I was walking up to the house from behind, when Stanley O'Mara's blue car burst through the garage door and took off down the road. So, I followed and I called you. She must have been waiting to leave until Hunter was in Philadelphia for the day. Whatever she was up to at your girlfriend's home, Hunter knew about it."_

"We've got to call the cops."

"_And report a broken garage door?"_ Maxim asked with a laugh. "_I think the police in Trenton have bigger priorities. They are not going to drop everything to follow Stanley."_

"Shit!" I swore, looking up and down the street for Bella again. We finally had a link between the shit that had gone down outside of Bella's home and James Hunter, and I couldn't go after it myself. "Has Stanley spotted you, Maxim?"

"_Not that I can tell. Edward, listen, when this woman stops, I want you close by. A piece of your investigation is trying to get away. This means a paycheck to me, but much more to you. And something tells me you'd do much better speaking to a woman on the run than I would."_

I glanced down the street, but there was still no sign of Bella. I knew there was nothing I could do for her in court except sit out in the hall and lend virtual moral support. And I knew Maxim was right. We needed to speak to this woman. _I _needed to speak to this woman. She was our only connection between Bella and James.

"I'll be right there, Maxim," I decided out loud, taking off for the parking garage. "Just don't fucking lose her.

xXxXx

I tried calling Bella to let her know I wasn't going to be at the hearing, but she didn't pick up, and I could only guess that she was already inside the courthouse.

"_I'm sorry I wasn't there to meet you, baby, but we found the blue car. I'll be there as soon as I can_," I explained quickly to her voicemail.

I tried Esme and Carlisle, but I couldn't get through to them, either. As I dodged and weaved through congested city streets I tried to figure out a way to get a hold of Bella, but the only other person I could think of was Aminah. There was no way in hell she'd take a message from me right before Bella's trial.

Maxim called to tell me that they'd just turned onto the Atlantic City Expressway headed east, just as I was racing over the Ben Franklin into Jersey. It was a straight fucking shot from where I was, and I floored it as soon as I cleared the tollbooths.

"I don't understand. She's going to gamble?" Maxim asked, confused.

"No, and she's not going to vacation at the shore, either, Maxim. You were right. She's running. And she's headed for the airport. There's no fucking way that bitch is getting away before she talks to me," I growled as I gunned the engine. The further I travelled from the city, the thinner the traffic became, and I tried to figure what the fuck I was going to do when I cornered this bitch in the parking garage.

I didn't know how the fuck I was going to get her to talk, but I was going to make it happen. She'd been in James Hunter's house, and she'd been to Bella's home, and she owed us an explanation.

I was jolted from my thoughts when Maxim's black sedan came into view in the distance. I'd fucking done it; I found them. I scanned the roadway for the blue car with Washington plates, and I finally spotted Stanley four cars up from Maxim, in the next lane over, driving just over the speed limit. So I slowed the fuck down, and tried to remain inconspicuous.

My mind raced ahead to the airport, trying to anticipate how I might be able to head Stanley off. But I hadn't been there in fucking ages, and from what I remembered, the roads were a tangled maze. I was about to give Maxim a call, to see if he knew the Atlantic City Airport any better than I did, when all of the sudden, his car swerved ahead of me, skidded across three lanes of traffic, and bumped off the road and into the ditch on the side of the road.

"Jesus Christ, Maxim!" I yelled into my cell as soon as he picked up. "What the hell was that?"

"_A fucking chipmunk_," he mumbled, clearly embarrassed. "_You're still on her_?" he asked.

I was, but Maxim had made it that much harder. After his near accident with the rodent, Stanley must have spotted his car, and she'd gunned it down the last few miles of highway before the airport. But I kept single-minded fucking pursuit, because my family's fucking life seemed to depend on this woman at the moment. Exits blurred one into the other, and before I knew it, I was driving up the circular ramp to the long term parking garage at the Atlantic City International Airport, behind a woman known only to me as Stanley O'Mara.

xXxXx

I pulled into a spot just in time to see a slim woman with shaky hands and long brown hair reaching into the backseat of the blue sedan. She began lifting a skinny child with vacant eyes from the car as she juggled a purse and two lumpy bags. I didn't waste any time and jumped from my car and rushed in her direction. She spun around as she heard me approaching, and I stopped in my tracks. Now that I had a good look at her, there was no doubt about who she was. I knew her from her driver's license picture that I'd included in the original file I assembled for Bella nearly two months ago.

"Mary Hunter?"

My voice echoed off of the concrete and the woman jumped and tucked her child behind her, pushing the girl back into the car.

"You're new," Mary said in a small, shaky voice.

"I'm Edward," I offered.

Her nervous eyes flitted over me and she swallowed. "I knew it was too good to be true when he left, and I got out, and the car was gone."

"I'm not going to hurt you," I assured her, taking a step in her direction.

"No, you'll let _him_ do that."

"James?"

Mary cringed with mention of her husband's name. "Just let me go," she pleaded in a whisper. "I won't go to the police. I won't try to get in touch with that other woman again. I promise."

"That other woman? You mean Bella?"

Mary shook her head like she was confused.

"Isabella Swan?" I tried again.

Tears started trickling down Mary's face. "How is she?" she asked. "Would you tell me that before you take us back?"

"Ma-ma?" the tiny child called from the backseat. Mary offered the little girl her hand, and my heart lurched as I watched the thin little fingers curl eagerly around her mother's thumb. I vaguely remembered that Bree Hunter was supposed to be two years old, but this little girl looked much too small.

"Bella's in court," I said, answering Mary's question. I took another cautious step in her direction.

"That's not what I meant," Mary replied, clutching her purse in her free hand like she was preparing to swing it at me. A car passed by, and I thought she might try to get the driver's attention, but instead, Mary shrunk back from the passing vehicle.

"I don't work for your husband and I'm not here to take you back home," I explained. I heard another car approach and pull into one of the spots behind me.

"But that's why _he's_ here," Mary said, nodding in the direction of the car that had just parked. I glanced over my shoulder to see Maxim stepping out of his vehicle.

"Maxim works for me, and he's been watching your husband. Not you. We've been searching for anything that will keep James away from Bella's daughter."

Mary's eyes darted back and forth between Maxim and I, and she clutched her daughter's hand that much tighter. The little girl's bones looked so small I hoped they didn't snap under the pressure. "If you're not after me, then please, let me go. Let me go home," she pleaded.

"But you wanted to help, didn't you, Mary? That's why you drove by Bella's home so many times."

"He had me watched, or her watched, or both of us. And after that last time -" Mary's voice broke, and she was taken over by deep sobs as her body folded in half.

"Ma-ma?" the little voice asked from the back seat.

I took another step in Mary's direction, but the woman shuddered and wedged herself into the corner between the passenger's seat and the door. A tiny head of thick brown hair with striking blue eyes popped up out of the backseat. "Da-da?" the little girl asked me. It was like having my heart squeezed in a vice.

"Mary, I won't hurt you or your daughter. And I'll make sure that animal never hurts either of you again. But please, we have to go to the police, now. Bella's in court facing that man, as we speak. Let's end this once and for all, so he never hurts anyone again."

"He'll kill me if I talk to the cops."

"And if we don't put him away, you'll live your life worried that he'll track you and Bree down. Just give us something to put him away for a long time, Mary. He held you captive after the last time you drove by Bella's house, didn't he?"

Mary nodded, but made no move to stand or look me in the eye.

"And what about Jake?"

"Jake?" she asked.

"Isabella's boyfriend. He was murdered. We found his truck in Trenton."

Her eyes went wide, and she shook her head violently. "It wasn't James. He just covered it up."

That was all I needed. With Marty Hunter's statement, the police could charge James with false imprisonment, obstruction and conspiracy. Not to mention domestic battery. Fucking saint, my ass.

"Maxim, call Philly homicide and ask for Detective Donovan," I called over my shoulder.

"No, please!" Mary begged. She looked like she was trying to become part of her car's upholstery. I inched closer, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Mary," I started again, in my softest voice possible, "We know where James is. They can take him in right now. We just need your statement. I'm an attorney and I stand up to assholes like James all the time in court. He'll never go near you or your child again. I'll make it my mission to be sure of that. I swore the same to Bella. Please help me keep my word, and let me take care of you."

With that, Mary collapsed into my arms, sobbing.

"Ma-ma?" the girl asked again, her big eyes now puddles of blue. I pulled the little girl into one arm, while I tucked Mary Hunter under the other.

"Airport Police, Maxim. Now!" I hissed. If we were lucky, we'd shut that sham of a child custody hearing down immediately.

* * *

**A/N: I really appreciated hearing from so many new readers this past week! And thanks so much to all of my regulars for passing on the link to this story to others. Of course, this story wouldn't be the same without Lindz and fuzzyltlwingedthing. Thanks so much ladies!**

**Round 2 of The Avant Garde Awards is now open, and Vanessa (Little Bell) needs your vote in the Best Kid in a Fic category. Here's the link: http:/twilightfb-awards . blogspot . com/p/vote . html**

**Next week is the last week I'll be updating on Monday for a little while. With Christmas and New Years on a Saturday, Monday updates just won't be possible. Not sure when the chapters will come out, but you guys know I never make you wait long. It will just keep you on your toes during the holiday season.**

**Finally, I correspond with lots of readers and send out teasers on facebook. If you're interested, you can find me at: http:/www . facebook . com/belladonna . cullen1**

**Until next week, XXX, M**


	32. Chapter 29

**BPOV**

I was curled around my daughter, in her bed, at night, and the peanut was somewhere dark and small between us. I'd keep them both safe and warm: with locked doors and bottles of warm milk and a stash of crackers, and caresses and whispered "love you's". This was my little brood.

Edward helped too, even though he wasn't there in person. Edward's rock was still "hidden" under Nessie's pillow, and I had my secret too. I wore Edward's T-shirt under my nightgown where Ness couldn't see it. I pretended it was him against my bare skin, and relaxed underneath his constant, soft cotton caresses.

We drifted off into unconsciousness to the music Edward had given us, to sounds of Chopin and Elliot Smith, and that other piano piece without a name. That one was so pretty that its haunting melody invaded my dreams, leaving me with lingering half-memories of lips and fingers and intimate ideas not appropriate for little girls' beds.

Warmth, breath on my face, a tiny hand on my arm, small nuzzles and sighs… I kept my arms around Nessie, while I held her brother or sister inside, as we both held so many reminders of Edward in her bed. As if those reminders could ward off all of our demons.

It almost worked. Ness slept sounder than she had since we'd been back home. But she still woke at four A.M. crying and sweating and kicking. And I still needed to jump up and run for the bathroom down the hall.

"Mama's sick and sad," Ness murmured to her bull, and the bull told the sheep, who passed it on to the pony.

"Just sick, Nessie, baby," I whispered as I climbed back in with her and straightened the covers.

"Not sad, mama?"

"Not all the time, anymore."

"Still sick," she told the bull with resignation and threadbare patience as she scrunched up her nose. I hoped I'd rinsed my mouth out well enough.

"It won't last forever, Ness."

"Cause then you gonna die?" she whispered, with her eyes so wide and scared.

"No, because I'm going to get better."

Ness snuggled against my chest and fell back asleep and I turned over my statement in my head. _I was going to get better._ The morning sickness would go away, eventually. The grief would fade.

I was going to get better. I'd face James in court tomorrow and show the judge that I was strong and intelligent and completely capable of taking care of Nessie on my own. I held my daughter tighter and tried to hold onto my newfound faith. I held on to my vow that I'd never let James Hunter hurt either me or Nessie again.

I was going to get better. I was going to move out of this place that gave my daughter nightmares. I was going to build a strong foundation so that she wouldn't be scared anymore. I was going to get better.

xXxXx

I was going to be late for court.

I punched the horn, but none of the cars in front of me moved. They couldn't. I was stuck in the middle of Center City gridlock hell.

Last night I'd fallen into that Zen-like state so easily, cuddled in a cocoon of music and mantras and family, facing the night and falling asleep together. But, this morning Miss Beverly was late, and I couldn't ask Jess to fill in for my babysitter, because she'd already left for court - for _my_ hearing!

I choked down piece of a bagel while I waited, and Ness came between me and the kitchen sink at a critical moment. Regurgitated cream cheese and bagel bits splattered on my shirt and shoes and Nessie's head just as Miss Beverly pushed through the kitchen door. She eyed me like she was on to me, but I ran upstairs to change before she could ask.

Some new clothing, some mouthwash and some hurried hugs and I was out the door. It would normally be a ten-minute drive to the courthouse, but construction and rush hour traffic turned it into a half hour odyssey.

My phone started buzzing as I was stalled at an intersection, and I knew that it had to be Aminah. I actually winced, imagining how angry she probably was. It seemed like she barely tolerated me on my best days, but now that I was late to my own custody hearing she'd probably drop me on sight and leave me to fend for myself. Scared of my attorney and filled with sudden inspiration, I made a detour down an alley, nearly ran down a deliveryman and shouted sorry as I sped past. I drove from alley to alley, taking the back way around the city, and before I knew it I was tearing my ticket out of the dispenser at the courthouse's parking garage.

I raced down the stairwell and dashed across the street, weaving around oncoming traffic like it was a real life game of Frogger. I couldn't ruin this before I even had a chance to say my piece. Ness needed me, and this hearing was the first step towards my scary and elusive dream - that plan that seemed more and more possible with each passing day. I ran after the idea of my little girl finally happy, finally having a daddy that would do anything to make sure she was safe, even if I was gone. A man that would wait for me in the hallway of a municipal court building because it was all he could do. But he'd do it, he'd do anything, he'd do all that he could.

I ran into the dingy building, taking in the dirty linoleum, the flickering fluorescent lighting and the fake wood paneling on the walls. Oddly enough, it reminded me of a cross between my elementary school and my grandmother's house, instead of a court of law. There was a crowd in front of the elevators, so I ran up the cramped stairwell instead, pushing past people and mumbling rushed apologies.

Finally on the right floor, I raced down the hall, up a small set of stairs, down another hall, watching the room numbers going by too slowly, like I was in one of those dreams where you're running through molasses and you don't go anywhere. This wasn't a dream, though; it was a real life nightmare. I was only grateful that Edward would be waiting for me at the end of it all.

But as I turned the last corner, instead of Edward, Aminah was waiting. When she spotted me the nervous lines around her eyes and mouth disappeared, and they were replaced with a confident smile. Her brown eyes softened as they looked me over.

"Good. There you are." Aminah's voice was warm and reassuring, and she placed a hand on each of my arms, steadying me. "Your cheeks are properly pink, you just need a little gloss," she said as she plucked a tube out of her bag. "Don't worry, I buy a new one for each client, just in case," she murmured with a kind smile.

I worked to compose myself as Aminah brushed through my hair with her fingers. "Calm and steady, Isabella. Just like we rehearsed. You know who's in there and you know what will happen, and now that you're actually present, you can do this," she assured me brightly.

"I'll be right next to you. So, you just look that judge in the eye, and tell him your story. Don't back down, honey. You know what they'll ask you on the stand. We've prepped. You're ready."

I was so sideswiped by her patient and supportive demeanor that I almost missed the fact that Edward wasn't there.

"Wait, Aminah, where's E -" I began asking as we walked through the double doors of the courtroom, but Aminah shushed me before I could get his name out of my mouth.

"He was here earlier, Isabella. I chewed him out."

"You made him _leave_?" I felt my indignation quickly rising, but Aminah didn't miss a beat.

"Direct that anger, Isabella. You can hate me later; right now is the time to hate _him_."

I followed Aminah's hardened stare across the courtroom to see a set of icy blue eyes and a slow and confident smile. James Hunter. That old uncontrollable shaking tried to work its way up my spine, but Aminah knew about this reaction already, we'd spoken about what my ex-husband's presence could do to me. And like we'd already discussed, Aminah placed her hand at the base of my spine to steady me as we walked down the narrow aisle past James. Just like we'd planned I felt _almost_ reassured as I came closer to James than I'd been in more than four years. Four years wasn't long enough, though; a lifetime wouldn't have been long enough.

James' eyes never left mine as he whispered in his attorney's ear. Janine Halloway was small yet voluptuous, dressed sharply in a pinstriped pant suit, and her thick brown hair hung in waves down her back. James' hand brushed at her waist as he moved a step closer, and I knew he was up to his old tricks again, working to make me jealous in order to throw me off my game. Of course, jealousy was the last thing on my mind, but his actions were mildly disturbing, to say the least.

Then James gently tugged a lock of his attorney's hair, and I flinched. He noticed, of course, and his smile grew. He could still make me jump, even if he was pulling someone else's hair. In that moment, I think I finally hated him even more than I feared him.

"Stay with me, Isabella," Aminah whispered in my ear, as James whispered in his attorney's ear, still pulling a little on a strand of Janine Halloway's hair.

"_Don't ever make that shit for my dinner again. Do you hear me, Isabella?"_

"_Don't ever stay overnight at the hospital again without calling me and checking first."_

"_Don't pretend you're asleep, Isabella. You're my wife."_

I could never please him. I would always forget something, and the rules were forever changing, and the tugs would get progressively harder, until my hair came out by the roots. And the more he hurt me, the less energy and conviction I had to leave.

It was James himself that broke the spell that his memories were weaving around me in the courtroom. His sinister chuckle rose above the murmured voices in the gallery, reminding me where I was. I was in court fighting for my daughter's well being. I wasn't the same woman that had cowered before him years ago. He was never going to touch me again, and I'd be damned if he was going to touch my daughter.

'_You're a real doctor now, Bella Swan', _I reminded myself.

When we were preparing for trial, Aminah had suggested I use my old mantra for strength. James had always told me I wouldn't make it: not in med school, and not in my residency. He was probably the reason I needed a mantra in the first place. But I could already feel that my old standby wouldn't be enough today. Luckily, I'd prepared a couple other things Aminah didn't know about, and I told myself that I was going to get better, because my family was counting on this.

_I'm going to get better._

I felt stronger.

_I'm going to get better. _

Edward wasn't with me, but his letter was. It was the nicest, most thoughtful thing anyone had done for me… since Jake agreed to come with me to Philadelphia. Jake… I was going to get better. I felt certain that James Hunter had a hand in Jake's death. He wasn't going to get his murderous hands on my daughter.

_I was going to get better._

I was also carrying the handprint that Edward and Nessie made for my birthday, and the ultrasound picture of the peanut.

_I was going to get better._

"Next on the docket, Hunter versus Swan. All parties please rise for the Honorable Judge Sheldon O'Connor," the bailiff ordered as a distinguished man in a black robe appeared from a side door and took his place at the bench.

xXxXx

"It's lovely to see you as always, Counselors. Are we ready to proceed?" Judge O'Connor asked without looking up. His balding head was bent over the paperwork in front of him.

"No, Your Honor," Aminah replied, and the judge glanced up with half-hearted interest.

"No?" the judge and I both asked in unison.

"We're missing two witnesses, Your Honor. The Dr. and Mrs. Carlisle Cullen."

"What?" I hissed. "Where are they?" I glanced around the courtroom as if I might find them hidden in a corner.

"Your guess is as good as mine, Isabella," Aminah replied under her breath. Don't worry. It'll be fine."

"It looks as though you at least have your client in tow, Ms. Kachiri. Is that correct?" Judge O'Connor asked my lawyer.

"Yes, Your Honor. This is Dr. Swan," Aminah said with a wave of her hand and a nod of her head.

The judge didn't seem impressed by my mere presence as Aminah's flourishes seemed to suggest he should be. He went back to reviewing the paperwork in his hands and I was left wondering what could have held up the Cullens. They were probably the last people on the planet I would peg for skipping a court hearing where they'd been subpoenaed as witnesses. The only thing I could figure is that they'd gotten stuck in the same traffic I'd been tied up in less than fifteen minutes ago.

"Mr. Hunter is up first," the judge announced, "So that should give the missing Cullens a bit of leeway in their battle with morning gridlock. However, if they're not present by the time you're ready to call them as witnesses, Ms. Kachiri, then I'm afraid we'll have to proceed without them."

James eyed me balefully, giving me that look that said he was barely putting up with me, and that he was trying his best not to laugh out loud at my pathetic showing. He was an asshole, through and through, but the fact of the matter was that even though I knew better, I still felt the same as I would have all those years ago. I was ashamed that my witnesses weren't present even though I had no control over the situation.

James grinned and I gritted my teeth and looked away.

The little ways he shamed me on a daily basis had long since faded to mild resentments: the shame about doing the dishes wrong, about my persistent shyness in front of his sister, and about how I never knew what to order at a bar. But my shame at having stayed with James as long as I did and the shame I still felt about not wanting my daughter as she grew inside of me, those feelings only grew as he regarded me mockingly. It made me hate James Hunter that much more, because with just a smirk he could bring out these emotions at will, at precisely the wrong time.

I could almost feel my leg aching where he'd broken it, and I unconsciously rubbed at the scar on my wrist. But James didn't miss a thing; he'd studied me for years, and as his smile grew broad and menacing as his eyes settled on my scar. I knew him too, and I knew that his smile had a purpose; he wanted me to see the straight, white teeth that had left their mark.

"_You'll always be mine now_," he'd sneered that day, and he'd licked the broken skin before I wrenched my arm out of his grasp.

James was still the same. I'd suspected as much, but now I knew. And there was no way in hell that I'd let my daughter anywhere near that animal. Edward said he'd leave with us if this hearing didn't go my way. I wanted to do the right thing, but letting that man touch my daughter would never be 'the right thing'. I decided in that moment that if the judge ruled against me I'd ask Edward if he was still game. I'd choose the only father Nessie ever had. I'd choose Edward.

But not before this man got what was coming to him. A six-month sentence served four years ago wasn't nearly enough for the pain he'd put me through, for the psychological damage that might never be undone. This man needed to know that I was never beneath him, that I never had anything to be ashamed about, and that I was never less of a human being than he was. I'd make him remember that.

I felt Aminah's hand on my back again, and it snapped me out of my violent reverie. I was in court, and I was glaring across the aisle at my ex-husband. To my credit, James looked slightly taken aback, perhaps the first time I'd ever elicited that response from him.

But as I glanced towards the judge's bench, he was surveying James and I with a canned smile, like we're a pleasing landscape or something else benign and boring.

"From the documents that have been submitted to me by The Master of the Court, I have deduced that we are here to re-examine Miss Vanessa Swan's custody agreement," Judge O'Connor began. "Dr. Swan, you have sole custody of this young girl, is that correct?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"And Mr. Hunter, you have petitioned the court for joint custody of this little girl. Is that correct?"

"Yes, Judge."

"Wonderful, we can start by agreeing on something!" the judge cheered. "That's encouraging. Let's see if we can stay as positive as we move forward. Mr. Hunter, you're up."

James flashed Sheldon O'Connor his winning smile, and in his self-assured, off-handed way, he actually offered the judge a pleasant handshake after he took the witness stand. These were things I'd seen a million times before; they were the same kind gestures he'd used to charm me so many years ago. Unfortunately, I knew all too well how effectively they worked.

"Judge," James began, oozing earnest sincerity. "I'm here because I would desperately like to have a relationship with my daughter, Vanessa." James' eyes glistened and he took a ragged breath. "I've loved my daughter from the moment I found out Bella was pregnant, but I haven't seen her since she was an infant."

I worked to stay seated and stay silent, because the _only_ time James had seen Nessie was when he'd pushed her down the stairs. He skipped that detail in his testimony, though.

"I've moved my family across the country so that I could be closer to Vanessa. I have a wife and child, but my family won't be complete until my oldest daughter can be a part of it. My little girl, Bree, she's two and she's dying to meet her big sister.

"I've done everything possible to make myself worthy of Vanessa; not just in the eyes of the court, but as a person. My record is going to come up; I know that. But I want to assure you that I've changed. I've gone above and beyond what I was court-ordered to do, as far as anger management and counseling, and I'm a better person for it."

"Ah, yes," Judge O'Connor interrupted. "You've submitted records into evidence about all of that. But it seems the best proof of a domestic turn-around might be testimony from your wife, Mary Hunter. Yet she's not on the list of witnesses and it doesn't appear that she's in court today." The judge tented his hands in front of him as he waited for James' reply.

"Mary is from a very close-knit family, and her uncle Stanley is extremely ill…"

_Stanley_!

I jumped in my seat and grabbed Aminah's hand. She appeared to be paying close attention to James' testimony, but on the pad in front of her she'd scribbled "_Stanley!_"

Anything else James said was lost to me as the pieces of the puzzle started falling into place. Whatever that woman in the blue sedan was doing out in front of my house, James was connected. I was suddenly extremely nervous that James' wife wasn't in court. She could be on her way to my house as we sat there, intent on kidnapping Nessie. I practically leapt from my seat, but Aminah held me in place.

I said a silent prayer that Felix was still out in front of my house, and I tried to concentrate on James' testimony. He was giving details about the blissful home life he'd created with Mary and his daughter. But it was hard to keep my mind from wandering. Something was extremely off. Edward should have been waiting for me, no matter what Aminah had said to him. Carlisle and Esme should have been in court. And Mary Hunter was out there, driving around in her uncle's blue sedan.

"Isabella, concentrate," Aminah hissed in my ear. "I know it's difficult, but focus."

The remainder of James' testimony droned on for what seemed like forever, even though it was scarcely five minutes. When it was her turn, Aminah rose slowly and confidently to her feet. She took long, self-assured strides up to the witness stand. James leveled one of his most intimidating looks in her direction, but she didn't even flinch. In fact, I think it only served to embolden her. She was awesome.

"Mr. Hunter, it's your testimony that you would like to be a part of Vanessa's life. But, sir, I can't help but notice that you're four and a half years late. Would you care to explain this lapse in parental fervor to the court?"

"_She _moved my daughter across the country," James sneered with a nod in my direction. "I was paroled in Seattle. I needed to make something of myself, I wanted to build a life that I was proud of, and to construct a safe environment for my daughter."

"Not a phone call in the meantime?" Aminah challenged.

"I didn't have her number."

My attorney snickered at that. "Not a letter, Mr. Hunter?"

"I'm here today because I want this! I want Vanessa."

"Not a cent of monetary support in over four years?"

"Objection, Your Honor. Child support has no bearing on child custody," James' attorney interrupted.

"I'm aware of that, Counselor," Judge O'Connor replied. "Ms. Kachiri, please continue your cross. It's been wonderful," the judge added with the hint of a smile.

"And, Mr. Hunter, your wife… how nice of her to take care of her ailing uncle, Stanley _O'Mara_."

James' smile appeared suddenly strained. Aminah paused meaningfully, letting the knowledge that she knew Stanley's last name sink in. "Mary cares a great deal about her family," James hurriedly explained. "She already thinks of Vanessa as family."

"Is that why Mary's been repeatedly driving past Dr. Swan's residence these last four weeks, Mr. Hunter?" Aminah asked coolly.

James looked frantically between Aminah and his attorney. "I, I… I wasn't aware that she was -"

"Objection. Heresay, Your Honor." his lawyer called out.

"I'm sorry, I may have spoken out of turn," Aminah quickly interjected before the judge could speak. "I didn't mean to preview my client's testimony about the subtle intimidation tactics Mrs. Hunter has been wielding against my client, Your Honor."

"Ms. Kachiri," Judge O'Connor warned.

"I think I'm done with Mr. Hunter, Your Honor."

xXxXx

I'd testified in front of James about his abuse before: at Nessie's initial custody hearing, and at James' criminal trial back in Seattle. It never got old. James didn't do any of those textbook things they said guilty people were supposed to do in a courtroom. He seemed utterly concerned when I told my story about his escalating psychological and physical abuse, like I was telling a disturbing tale that had no connection to him at all.

He leaned forward, engaged and aghast.

I did my best to focus on Aminah and the judge instead of my ex-husband's disturbing display. I talked about my residency and my career. I talked about Vanessa, and what an amazing little girl she was: how she was smart and insightful and loving. I furnished the court with report cards and evaluations. And given our new information about Stanley O'Mara, I informed the court about Mary Hunter's numerous drive-by's. When I was done, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Was it enough? I'd know in just a few minutes.

James' cute little attorney stood to her feet and stalked in my direction. It gave me a few moments to wonder if she actually believed James had changed, or if she was as heartless and conniving as he was. And given all of those touches they'd exchanged, I wondered if he was fucking her. I was struck by the irony of that possibility. I'd slept with my own attorney and I nearly screwed myself as a result. Would the same kind of thing actually work in James' favor? Would she fight harder for him? Would she be more likely to believe his lies? Of course, that's why it was against the rules in the first place.

"Dr. Swan, you've testified that you raised Vanessa on your own," Janine Hathaway began. "But in reality, your live-in boyfriend, Jacob Black, was instrumental in Vanessa's upbringing. Am I right?"

"Jake was a huge help," I admitted.

"_Was_?"

I gasped and glanced nervously at the judge. He nodded encouragingly. I still wasn't used to saying it out loud, though, and I had to force the words out of my mouth. "Jake was… _murdered…_ almost a month ago."

"How tragic!" James' attorney exclaimed with mock empathy. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Swan. You must still be mourning his loss."

"I am," I agreed.

"And how long was he dead for before you moved a new man into your bed?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry. You actually moved on before Mr. Black's demise. Isn't that true, Dr. Swan?"

"No! No, it's not."

"Dr. Swan, do I have to remind you that you're under oath? Perhaps these pictures will help jog your memory. Now, tell me, this is you with your former attorney, Edward Masen, is that correct?"

Three photos were laid out on the counter in front of me: one of me slipping into Edward's car for lunch, one of Edward and I wearing swim suits and holding hands on the beach, and a final shot of the two of us huddled together on a lifeguard stand at sunset.

"Edward Masen?" the judge asked with sudden, sincere interest.

"Yes, Judge," I offered. "Edward Masen. We were in a loving and committed relationship."

"Yet these photos were taken while you were still living with Mr. Black," James' attorney cut in. "While Mr. Masen was still retained as your attorney, I might add."

"Yes. But they were taken before Mr. Masen and I were a couple."

"How long before you were a couple?" she pushed.

"Excuse me?"

"How long after you ended things with Mr. Black did you trot Mr. Masen into your daughter's life, Dr. Swan? The question isn't that difficult."

"Real life isn't as clear cut as that," I seethed. Aminah winced, and I instantly regretted moving away from our canned answers. I took a deep breath and tried to regain my focus.

"Please answer the question, Dr. Swan."

"Edward and Vanessa shared a special relationship from almost the moment they met." I couldn't help smiling as I remembered the way they'd both looked at one another on the Cullen's front porch that afternoon when they first met. Nessie and Edward were both delighted with one another, they car-danced and joked and laughed and…

"You substituted Edward Masen for Jacob Black almost as if they were interchangeable, yes?" James' lawyer asked.

"_No_! Vanessa loves Edward, and he cares for her like, like a… daughter."

"Just like Jacob did?"

"Yes."

"Dr. Swan, it seems that you are desperately searching to fill this void in your daughter's life when Vanessa's biological father is right here, begging for the opportunity. Now, have you been questioned about Jacob Black's murder?"

"Objection, Your Honor," Aminah huffed.

"Given the timing of Dr. Swan's illicit relationship with her attorney, it only seems -"

"I'm sorry, counselor, but it seems likely that Dr. Swan would be questioned by the police whether or not she was a suspect. And suspect or not, police questioning is not admissible in this court as evidence of wrongdoing. You haven't been convicted of Mr. Black's murder, have you Dr. Swan?" Judge O'Connor asked sarcastically.

I shook my head in the negative.

"Did you kill your ex-boyfriend?" James' attorney asked, just to drive her point home.

"No!"

"It seemed worth asking," she added with a smirk, and in that moment I decided that she really was as evil as James.

"Dr. Swan," the lawyer continued, "Can you honestly say that Vanessa is better off in your single parent household than she was when you unofficially shared parenting with Jacob Black?"

Thoughts of my little girl cowering in her room, calling out in her sleep, and consumed with worry about my death flitted through my mind. "My boyfriend was murdered, Counselor. None of us are better off because of it."

"Do you believe she could benefit from a stable male influence?"

I thought back to that time she'd held Edward's hand across the table at the pizza parlor and how she was able to talk about Jake leaving with such grace and acceptance and how her and Edward took comfort in one another.

"Yes," I murmured without thinking. I slapped my hand over my mouth a moment too late. The word was out.

Janine Halloway's smile was genuine.

"But James, I mean Mr. Hunter, he is _not _stable, Your Honor," I explained, trying to backpedal.

"Yet there's nothing on record at this hearing that would suggest otherwise," James' attorney purred. "I have no further questions."

xXxXx

The Cullens never made it to court. Jessica and Mike both testified to my competence as a parent. My residency supervisor gave a glowing account of my dedication to both my work and my family. But I couldn't help but think that the damage was done.

"I see the fervor with which both sides before me are arguing," Judge O'Connor began after Aminah rested her case. "And it brings to mind the difference between good and bad. Sometimes it_ is_ that simple. This hearing isn't a bad thing, ladies and gentlemen. You are both here because you are desperately eager to do right by your daughter. And this court has likewise been convened with the best interest of your child at heart. _This_ is good, something I hope both sides can come back to agreement on.

"Domestic battery, however, is not good, and neither is the endangerment of a child. This court takes that threat very seriously. Yet, our justice system leaves room for rehabilitation. It also leaves a system in place to monitor that rehabilitation. More good things, in my opinion.

"Given Mr. Hunter's history, I cannot in good faith make the jump to joint parental custody. However, I see too many biological fathers in this court denying paternity and responsibility on a daily basis to ignore Mr. Hunter's request. Vanessa Swan has two eager biological parents that love her."

The judge paused as he was interrupted by a murmured question from his bailiff. I'd been hanging on his every word with growing nausea. Would Edward still agree to run away with Nessie and me? Because that's where this seemed to be headed. I only wondered how soon we could leave this all behind.

However, my thoughts were interrupted by the loud click of the courtroom's double doors.

"Excuse me, Judge O'Connor?" I voice I vaguely recognized asked.

I spun around in my seat to see Detective Donovan striding down the cramped aisle with Detective Crane on his heels. All I could think was that something had gone horribly wrong and that the two of them were coming for me. I shrank back from them and grabbed for Aminah's hand.

"What's the meaning of this, Detective?" Judge O'Connor demanded.

"I have it under good authority that James Hunter is in attendance in your courtroom, this morning, Judge."

"Detectives?" James' attorney demanded, rising to her feet and stepping between her client and the detectives.

"James Hunter," Donovan addressed my ex, "You're under arrest for the false imprisonment of Mary and Bree Hunter." The detective pulled out a pair of handcuffs. I couldn't help it; I jumped to my feet. People all around me murmured in surprise and James began backing away from the detectives, his hands held defensively in front of him.

"Order!" Judge O'Connor demanded, using his gavel for the first time that morning. Detective Crane edged to the far side of the courtroom in case James tried to run, and two other uniformed officers appeared at the back of the court.

"What the fuck is going on, Janine?" James demanded. It took me a second to realize that he was addressing his attorney.

"Just calm down, James. We'll get this under control. I'll call Mary."

With mention of his wife, James looked like he was going to be sick. Finally, someone else was nauseous for a change.

James' attorney stepped reluctantly out of the way, and Detective Donovan read James his Miranda rights as he took his hands behind his back and began leading him out of the court. James craned his neck, though, searching me out in the crowd. "This isn't over, Isabella," he growled.

"But it appears it is over for this morning," Judge O'Connor added with another strike of his gavel.

"Your Honor, in light of these developments -" Aminah began, but the judge silenced her with a wave of his hand.

"James Hunter's petition is hereby dismissed. He can re-submit a petition when he is in a better position to assume responsibility for a four year-old child. Until then, Vanessa Swan's sole custody remains with her mother, Dr. Isabella Swan."

"Oh my god!" I threw my arms around Aminah, and Jess practically tackled me from behind.

"And Dr. Swan?" the judge interrupted.

"Yes, Your Honor?" I asked, disentangling myself from my friends' embrace.

"I've seen firsthand the remarkably positive influence Edward Masen can have on a child's life. You're daughter is a lucky little girl if she has, in fact, landed his heart. Please tell him that I'm still waiting on his call."

xXxXx

I rushed into the hallway certain that Edward was finally there and that he'd seen James marched out of the courtroom in handcuffs, and that he'd be waiting to celebrate with outstretched arms. Nessie was safe! James was in police custody… but for false imprisonment of his wife and child? With that unsavory thought my stomach lurched and I rushed to the nearest trashcan and retched up the rest of my breakfast. What the hell had James done to his new family? I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and glanced around the hallway for answers.

Edward wasn't there. The detectives were gone. Men and women rushed passed me, oblivious to the fact that I'd just upchucked in the hallway. I switched on my cell phone and it immediately rang to life.

"Edward?" I asked as I brought the phone to my ear.

"_Bella, it's Rose."_

My hand tightened around the phone. "I don't have the time for your games right now, Rose," I hissed.

"_Bella, it's not a game_," she pleaded on the other end of the line.

"Whatever the hell you want to call it, Rose. I have real life to deal with, and I can't be bothered with your petty objections to the way I choose to live it."

"It's Carlisle, Bella. Don't hang up. He's here at the hospital. I thought you'd want to know."

xXxXx

* * *

**A/N: I imprisoned James for the holidays as a Christmas gift to you all... Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, guys! The next couple of updates could come at any time, but it won't be next Monday. **

**Voting is still open for the Avant Garde Awards... please consider a vote for Little Bell/Vanessa for Best Kid in a Fic: http:/twilightfb-awards . blogspot . com/p/vote . html**

**Thanks so much for all of the reviews and PM's and for passing on the link to others... A special thanks to Lindz and fuzzyltlwingedthing for their dedication to this fic. Until next time, XXX, M**


	33. Chapter 30

**A/N: I hardly ever do this kind of thing… but the first part of this chapter can be read while listening to **_**The First Day of My Life**_** quietly in the background. (****http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w) ** The lyrics, of course, are not by me, but by Bright Eyes.

**EPOV**

Bella was waiting at the hospital's entrance, her hair blowing in front of her face, orange leaves swirling around her feet. It had been a little more twenty-four hours since I'd last seen her, but whole lifetimes had been lived in the interval. I hurried my steps.

"Edward."

My name. Her lips. I was born to hear her say Edward. It made me ache to touch her, just like that first day in the doctor's office. But now there was so much more, and I stopped before her and bit my lip… and loved her. When I thought about that monster's plan, what he'd wanted to do, what she'd been through, and how she was carrying my child… I was lucky I remembered how to breathe. I certainly couldn't find the words for the questions I needed to ask and the stories I needed to tell.

So instead, she walked to meet me, her eyes flickering over me… appreciatively, maybe, for just a second. I couldn't help but smile.

Her hand. My arm.

I bit through my lip. She'd always been able to make me do that, too.

"Bella, I, I…"

An ambulance sped up to the emergency entrance interrupting whatever nonsense I was on the verge of mumbling. And it would have been nonsense. I couldn't have strung together a coherent sentence to save my fucking life. All that I wanted to do was hold onto her and never let go.

But with the siren and the stretcher and people in scrubs running, it reminded me why I was there at a hospital in the first place. Bella followed my eyes and read my mind.

"He's in recovery."

"Is he -"

"Emergency bypass surgery."

"His heart?" All of that ridiculous talk about hearts and healing I'd been doing lately, but now that a heart really failed, it didn't seem to apply. My eyes stung and the blood from my lip tasted metallic in my mouth.

Her fingers. My face.

I leaned into the warmth of her touch.

"Everything went smoothly, Edward. As well as we could hope. He's being monitored carefully. Rose hasn't left his side since Esme brought him in this morning. Even through surgery."

"Rosalie? _Emmett_'s Rosalie?"

I wasn't sure if Bella coughed or laughed, but the sound was bitter, and she ducked behind her hair to hide her face. "Yeah, Emmett's. I guess so. Did you know they were engaged?" Brown eyes peeked between strands of chestnut silk.

"Well aware. You have no fucking idea."

"She's… she's… a really good doc. Carlisle's in good hands," Bella amended, taking me by surprise, and my petty annoyance with Rosalie was momentarily forgotten.

"Can I see him?"

"For a couple minutes. I've got an in here," Bella added with a shy smile as she held out her hand and nodded towards the hospital's entrance.

Bella's thin fingers grasped mine reassuringly and her palm radiated warmth, just like that first day.

_That first day. _

I kept going back to it. It was how I'd come to think of that August afternoon when I'd met Bella. Like my life had started in that chilly exam room when she'd held my hand and looked into my eyes with a combination of sincere concern and genuine interest. After that, her existence was enough to sustain me as my world fell to pieces, and then the prospect of being with her helped me find strength and a heart that I didn't know I had.

She'd been the one to give me everything I needed in order for me to help her. Even now, today, Bella was still the source of my strength. Her big brown eyes found mine; her smile seemed so easygoing. I grasped her hand tighter as we walked through the lobby.

"I love you so much," she whispered squeezing my hand back.

I wasn't braced for her declaration.

My eyes. Tears.

"Fuck. Bella…" They were the only words I could find.

"It was you, wasn't it? You figured it out and had him arrested?" she asked as she pressed the up button at the elevator bank.

I still couldn't speak, yet there was more and more to say with every passing second. "It was Maxim," I managed with a shrug.

Bella shook her head at me, tears in her eyes too. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

Her question threw me because it was so sincere. Because for the first time, I believed that we both deserved it: Happiness. Love. Each other. Everything. I hadn't answered her question, though.

"You made me believe in myself," I offered, proud that I could form a fucking sentence.

"How?"

"You cared." That was the short answer, and I couldn't tell if it made any sense, but a better explanation wouldn't come. Not now, not waiting to see my uncle after a heart attack, after chasing down Bella's ex-husband's battered wife and daughter, after sitting with them through a deposition, after hearing Bella tell me in person that she loved me. No, now was the time for silence and silly looks, for wiping tears from each other's eyes.

The elevator doors opened and we stepped to the side to allow the swarm of people to leave: A wheelchair. Balloons. Proud parents. A new baby.

Bella's head. My arm.

My pregnant, almost girlfriend leaned against me and sighed.

A woman in scrubs was also exiting the elevator and stopped when she saw us. She was wearing a nametag. She was official.

"Dr. Swan?" She didn't say anything else, but I could feel something pass between the woman and Bella.

"Dr. Pace," Bella replied. She didn't drop my hand or lift her head from where it was resting on my arm. Dr. Pace noticed that too and smiled. She was a doctor, after all: intelligent and observant and all that shit.

"Good to see you again, Dr. Swan." The doctor's voice was soft and laced with meaning.

Bella tugged me towards the empty elevator, her hand still in mine. A decision had been made. But I slid my hand out of her grasp and into my pocket, just the same. I could wait another day. Just to be sure.

Bella's eyes followed my hand. "I won't let you lie for me tomorrow at the ethics hearing, Edward. Not about us. I don't want to start like that. Not again, anyway."

Of course Bella misinterpreted my actions. She hadn't been at the deposition with Mary Hunter. She didn't know. I still hadn't told her a thing.

"I won't have to lie."

"What are you saying?"

"The ethics board shouldn't be a problem. But I'll wait until it's over, just to be safe."

"Wait? Wait for what?"

Was she fucking serious?

I was able to close the small space between us in a heartbeat. The air in the elevator was suddenly charged, and the rest of the people inside shifted awkwardly towards the front of the car. _Wait for what_? Was there anything else in the world when we were close like this, because if there was I couldn't fucking tell. My hand found the back of her head; her hair fell through my fingers.

My body. Hers: all I'd wanted from the moment we met. But now I wanted so much more, and now it seemed nearly possible.

With my free hand, I lifted Bella's ass to the handrail so that her face was level with mine. My voice was gruffer than I intended, but my words were slow and intentional. "For what? For this."

I placed my lips on hers, moving slowly, possessing, owning, loving. She was so soft. Fucking heaven… Her hands in my hair. Her chest, breathing. Up. And down. Against mine. Her heart beating through her blouse and suit jacket. Her taste: sour, sweet, cinnamon. Different, but still Bella. Fucking mine.

Wait for the world. Wait for everything. How the hell would I wait for this?

Her lips moved slowly, parting, until I could feel just the tip of her tongue. Her breath rushed into my mouth as she sighed against my lips. Bella pressed herself closer and she wrapped her arms around me, her body shuddering. And we kissed to the sound of the elevator pinging as it slowly climbed floor by fucking floor.

I pulled my lips away and waited until she opened her eyes before speaking. I brushed her cheek with my thumb. "Baby, I'll never let anyone fuck with us again. So, I'll wait for this, for us, until the ethics panel dismisses your case… Waiting shouldn't be a problem, right? Since we're taking things slow."

I couldn't help the smile as I reminded Bella about her request, and she ducked her head to hide her pinking cheeks. I understood her desire to do things right, but how slow could we really take our relationship when the world could turn around in a fucking day? When people nearly died, when captives finally escaped, when James Hunter got thrown in prison instead of into Nessie's life? There was a time for slow, and then there was a time for fucking joy. I'd never needed that time until now.

The elevator door slid open and people began filing out. A few of them cast glances at us over their shoulders as they shuffled on their way. I couldn't blame them; I'd be fucking jealous and wistful too. I looked at my shoes, and at Bella's bare knees grazing my hips. I fought the urge to slide my body more securely between her thighs.

"You're here!" I heard my cousin call out impatiently from somewhere outside the elevator. The plaintive tone in Alice's voice jarred me from my thoughts.

I helped Bella slip down from her perch and the friction of her body against mine set off sparks that I struggled to ignore. She gave me a look that let me know we weren't done, not by a long shot. I pushed her hair behind her ear and brushed her nose with mine.

"You, me, and the hospital cafeteria? After I see Carlisle?" I asked, my forehead pressed against hers.

Bella's cheeks were flushed, and her chest was still heaving. She swallowed, nodded her head and grabbed my hand. I let her have it. If I was waiting for the world, I'd fucking bide my time holding her hand. I just hoped that measure of resolve would hold. Fucking slow. I couldn't wait to see Bella try.

"The elevator's going to close, you two," Alice warned.

"We're coming, Alice."

"Not in there, I hope."

I cast a withering glance in her direction, but one look at the dark circles under Alice's eyes and the worried lines on her forehead and I couldn't be angry. I had her in my arms in a second, and her tears immediately began to bleed through my shirt.

"How is he?"

"It was so scary, Edward. They tried a stent or something and it didn't work, so they said he needed a bypass, like, serious surgery. I thought you'd never get here."

"I came as soon as I could."

"I know."

Bella wound her arm around my waist and led us down the hall, nodding to the nurses on duty to let us through some double doors. I felt the bile rising in my throat as I finally began to focus on everything around me: the white walls, the people in faux-cheery pastel scrubs, beeping monitors, and that antiseptic smell only hospitals had. After what I'd been through as a teenager I'd avoided hospitals at all fucking costs. In fact, if it weren't for Bella, there was a good fucking chance that I'd still be outside on the sidewalk.

So, I concentrated on the gray linoleum and struggled to catch my breath. There was Carlisle to consider: how he'd been by my side every step of the way through detox and surgery, and how he'd taken me in and tried to make me feel at home when I was struggling with the side effects of chemo and radiation.

He was the only father I'd ever really had. And honestly, I'd never shown him an ounce of fucking appreciation, not until just recently, not until Bella entered my life. She'd changed that too.

"Thanks," I whispered in her ear, my lips brushing against her hair.

"I didn't do anything."

And completely inappropriately, all _I _wanted to do was to lean her up against a wall somewhere and show her exactly what she'd done, and exactly how she made me fucking feel. With her next to me I felt high, in the ultimate best sense of the word, and it was surreal to struggle with Carlisle's heart attack, and James Hunter's insanity, while at the very same time I was overjoyed to have Bella holding my hand through it all. Pregnant. With my kid. Shit.

xXxXx

They had Carlisle set up in more of a glass-enclosed cubicle than a room. His eyes were closed, his skin looked grayish green and Esme was half asleep by his side, holding his hand. There was a nurse on the other side of the bed typing something into a laptop.

It was all of the tubes that really struck me, though. There were so many of them: into his arms and out from under his hospital gown, attached to his wrists, and dangling along the side of the hospital bed: clear, white, yellow, filled with blood. My heart dropped as I took in the scene, and I found myself focusing on the steady beeping of Carlisle's heart monitor as if my life depended on it. Or his life. Fuck.

Esme's eyes blinked open as we walked in. "Edward?"

"Esme, I'm so sorry that I'm -" I didn't get a chance to finish my apology before Esme's head was pressed against my chest, her arms around me, crying quietly. "It's so good to have you here, son."

I patted her hair desperate for something that would make this fucked-up scenario better.

"Bella says the surgery went well," I murmured. "He's going to be okay, Esme."

But my assurances felt hollow as my uncle lay there, silent and prone. I don't think I'd ever even seen him sleeping, let alone unconscious in a hospital bed. He'd always been so composed and so in charge of every situation. Well, every situation except for the ones involving my shit-ass attitude.

Alice and Bella moved to Carlisle's bedside, speaking in hushed tones. I didn't have to see Alice's face to know that she was relieved to be talking to Bella again. I was relieved too. I'd hated thinking that I'd gotten in the way of their friendship.

As they were whispering, Alice's eyes slid down towards Bella's waist. For just a second, I felt guilty that I'd told Alice about the peanut, but as Esme continued to sniffle I suddenly knew a way to make it better. The peanut would blow Esme's mind. Maybe it could make this all hurt a little less. At the very least, I'd bet she'd stop crying.

Esme's eyes followed mine to where Bella was standing.

"It's so good having her here today."

"It is." Two words, four letters, and the most sincere sentence I'd ever spoken.

My aunt looked between Bella and I, and I could practically see the question forming itself in her mind. I'm sure I wasn't exactly sporting a poker face. The idea that Bella could be pregnant with my kid was still like a fucking fantasy to me, one that I'd never had the balls to even dream about. And now I was walking around with a plastic peanut in my pocket and plans to spend the rest of my life with Bella and our kids.

"Edward?"

I was a second away from opening my mouth and making Esme's day, when I heard footsteps approaching from somewhere behind me.

"I'm sorry, but there are three too many people in here." Rosalie's brusque voice filled the small space, practically echoing off the walls.

I turned around to confront her and Rosalie stopped in her tracks and all the color quickly drained from her face. I hadn't seen her since the disastrous dinner. I don't think she'd been expecting me.

"Uh, um," she managed to mutter before turning her attention to Esme. "He really shouldn't have all of these visitors. We need the room for staff, and if he wakes it could be overwhelming."

"Rose is right," Bella agreed.

Rosalie gave a weak but hopeful smile in response and tried in vain to make eye contact with Bella. But my almost-girlfriend avoided Rosalie and walked over to Esme and me, instead. This time, I made a point of holding Bella's hand.

"Edward, I think it would be okay if you stayed with Esme and Carlisle," Bella offered. "You just got here."

"What about Alice?"

"I've been with him all morning, Big Brother. It's okay."

The sound of a small sigh and rustling sheets stopped all discussion. Everyone in the room turned to see Carlisle's eyelids fluttering and his fingers flexing. Esme practically pushed Alice out of the way to get to her husband's side.

"Carlisle? Darling?"

"Muffin?" Carlisle asked in a small, scratchy voice.

"It's me, dear. It's Esme. You're back," Esme murmured with new tears in her eyes, as she carefully hugged her husband. She searched his face, like it would give some indication about his prognosis. "I missed you."

Carlisle tried to lift his hand to his wife's face, but winced and settled for clasping her hand instead. "Esme."

"Dad!" Alice quietly cheered, reaching over to place her hand on top of her parents'. Two more nurses rushed into the cubicle, and Rosalie began examining Carlisle and checking monitors. I hugged Bella closer and tugged her towards the door so that we could give the family some time together. We'd only made it to the foot of the hospital bed though, when Carlisle stopped us.

"Edward? _And_ Bella?"

"We'll be right outside, Carlisle." Bella explained. "They need space to work, and you need your rest."

"So do you," Carlisle said with a small smile, and… was that a wink?

Alice backed away from the bed, and shot a nervous look in my direction.

"Umm," Bella stammered. "I, uh, no. I'm fine. I'll be back at work tomorrow."

"But we're going to need help at the office, aren't we?"

"Carlisle, this is no time to talk about work," Esme admonished.

"But Carlisle's right," Bella agreed. "I might not have a license in a week, and he'll be recovering for at least another month. I'll start bringing people in for interviews immediately, Carlisle. And when you're up to it, maybe we can have the candidates come to you, or do things virtually with Skype, whatever you want."

"Bella, what did I tell you? I don't think you have to worry about your license," I reminded her. I tried to keep my voice low, but every sound in that little plastic place became magnified and bounced off the walls. All eyes were suddenly on me.

"What did you do?" Alice asked, wearing that lost look that said she had no idea what I was talking about, but that she knew something was up.

"I'm sorry, I, uh, haven't even spoken to Bella about this yet. But, I think she'll keep her license."

"I wasn't talking about the ethics panel, Muffin," Carlisle explained to his wife. "Between my recovery and well… Bella's going to need some time off next year." His eyes flitted over Bella and me, a weak but very genuine smile on his face.

"Edward, what did you do?" Alice asked, probably convinced that I'd somehow lied to the ethics panel ahead of time.

"What did he do?" Carlisle chuckled.

He fucking knew about the peanut.

"I told you not to say anything, Alice. You promised."

"Carlisle?" Esme asked. "What in the world?"

"Enough!" Rosalie commanded. "I have no idea what any of you are talking about, but I'll be damned if we have another Cullen family 'conversation' in the recovery room with my patient. Esme is allowed to stay, but I want to rest of you out. Now!"

"What's the problem, Rosie?" Emmett's voice boomed from somewhere out in the hall. His approaching footsteps echoed loudly on the linoleum. "Why're you shouting, babe?"

Emmett peeked his smiling mug around the corner and quickly surveyed the scene. He immediately narrowed his eyes at Alice and I as he stepped into the room shaking his head.

"Dude, dad's just had surgery, and you and Edward _still_ can't lay off Rose?" Emmett practically growled, taking another step in Alice's direction.

That earned a groan and a defiant glare from Alice. She may have been about a foot and a half shorter than her brother, but she looked like she was bracing for a fight.

"Em, it had nothing to do with me," Rosalie said, stepping between Emmett and Alice like she was preventing a fistfight or some shit. I rolled my eyes. Did she really think they were going to throw down?

"Actually, Rosalie, maybe it does," Carlisle cut in with his weak and scratchy voice. "I wanted to discuss something with you about work." He turned in his bed as best he could, wincing with each movement.

"Dude, dad, you're awake!" Emmett boomed, finally noticing that Carlisle was conscious. "How the hell are you?"

"Well, I'm trying to get a word in, son. There are a few things I'd like to discuss with your fiancée."

"You are not discussing anything with Rosalie unless it's to talk about how you're going to get better. Do you hear me, Carlisle Cullen?" Esme cut in. Her voice was soft, but left no room for disagreement. "_I _haven't even had the chance to ask how you're feeling, and you're already focused on work. Things are going to change around here, mister. You're going to learn how to relax, right now!"

Esme's speech left everyone a little stunned and very silent, for a few seconds, anyway. It wasn't long before Emmett's low baritone chuckle began to vibrate against the walls. The sound quickly grew to outright laughter, and that's when Bella started giggling too. I fucking loved the sound of her giggle - it had been too long since I'd heard it. I was too on edge to laugh, but I couldn't help but sneak a quick kiss to Bella's temple.

All right, there was no fucking sneaking about it. Everyone but Emmett noticed the kiss, and everyone smiled in response. Family approval hadn't meant shit to me in the past, but in that moment, I was fucking buoyant.

I walked over to Carlisle's side, and gave him as much of a hug as I could, considering the tubes and wires and the fact that he couldn't really move. "I'm really happy to see you awake -" The word "dad" stayed on the tip of my tongue, but it said a lot that I was even tempted.

Carlisle's large thin hands held me in the embrace. "Thanks for being here, son. You're happy?" he asked quietly.

"Not about this shit," I muttered nodding at the heart monitor next to his bed.

My uncle's pale blue eyes twinkled as I pulled away.

"You mean…" I glanced across the small room at Bella. She was explaining something to Esme about blood thinners. She talked with her hands, the gentle waves of her hair bounced as she gesticulated. I watched her hips as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"Exactly." Carlisle agreed.

"Alice," I sighed, shaking my head, turning back to my uncle.

Carlisle's smile grew, his eyes flickering back in Bella's direction. "She thought I was dying so she gave me something to live for. Go easy on her."

I could hardly hold it against Alice; I'd been about to spill the beans to Esme just few minutes ago. I just hoped Bella felt the same way.

Bella came to my side and grasped Carlisle's hand. "We'll talk about the practice later, when I don't have to worry about Esme killing me for it."

"I'd never kill, dear," Esme giggled. "Nothing more than a slap on the wrist, anyway. I just hope we didn't ruin things for you in court by being absent this morning."

"Oh my goodness, no! Not at all. Edward kind of saved the day on that one."

"It was fucking Maxim," I said with a chuckle.

Bella playfully nudged my side. "Then excuse me while I go find Maxim. It seems that I was thanking the wrong man in the elevator just before."

"That's not fucking funny," I growled, but Bella was laughing anyway.

"Let me know if you need anything, Carlisle. I'll call tomorrow," Bella said with another pat to his hand.

"I'm sure he'll text you before then if he manages to find his phone," Esme added as her eyes scoured the surfaces on either side of the bed, no doubt double-checking to make sure her husband's cell was safely hidden away.

"Cafeteria time?" Bella asked, turning towards me.

I wasn't sure I was ready to tell Bella about James and Mary, let alone Jake, but the chances were that I probably never would be. She needed to know, and I knew it should come from me and not Detective Donovan, or some shit. I sighed. Bella smiled hopefully. I don't think she had any idea what I was about to say.

"I'll be back later, Carlisle," I assured my uncle.

"Check the visiting hours first, okay?" Rosalie asked. "I gave you all a pass this time, but he needs his rest."

I wasn't sure what to say to my cousin's fiancée, so I tried smiling instead of speaking. I don't know if I was able to pull it off. Bella didn't even bother trying; she brushed by Rosalie without so much as a sidelong glance.

xXxXx

"Dude," Emmett called out, stopping Bella and I in the hallway just as we'd made it through the double doors. I sighed and clasped Bella's hand tighter before turning around to face my cousin.

"Em, right now's not the best -"

"No, bro. We should talk. What I just said in there, and then all the shit I was spewing the other night at dinner… All of it, man, it was -"

"It was right on the fucking money, Em. I've been so caught up in my own shit over the years that I _have_ taken you for granted. I'm sorry for that. But about Rose -"

"Dude, I really wish you two could just bury the hatchet."

"I'm not here to make trouble, so, I'll keep my mouth closed when Rose is around. But she hasn't liked me from the moment she's set eyes on me and I don't think there's anything I could do to change that. I shouldn't have to. I've never done shit to her."

Emmett shrugged and hung his head. A group of nurses walked by, and to Emmett's credit, he didn't give them a passing glance. It was more evidence that Rosalie was in our lives to stay. Damn.

"Yeah, uh, mom says I should stay out of it. I don't know if that's right, but I don't have a better idea, either. Rosie's not a bad person, Edward."

I sighed. "Well, she's taking good care of Carlisle. That's something. But this shit with Bella…"

Emmett cast a guilty glance at my almost-girlfriend. "She's really sorry for that, you know, Bella. She just didn't get the chance to tell you."

"No… no, don't even say it, Emmett," Bella interrupted. "Rose cut me off because she doesn't like Edward. She can't have it both ways. She can't be sorry, but not accept him as a part of my life. I made my choice."

I wrapped my arms around Bella's waist, holding her in front of me and kissed the top of her head. She'd made her choice.

"And congratulations, by the way," she added, slowly shaking her head.

"Well, um, thanks, I guess, Pretty Doc," Emmett said, giving Bella a playful punch on the arm in an attempt to buck up or something. "I've always liked you, you know."

"I remember," Bella laughed, glancing up at me nervously.

I hugged her closer, remembering how pissed Emmett was that Bella turned him down at the anniversary barbecue, how embarrassed I'd been about Bella catching me arguing with Tanya, how fucking breathless I'd felt after she dropped me off later that night. We'd held hands, we'd fucking flirted, and I'd fallen in love with her daughter, all in just a few hours.

"For the record, I told you that you could date my cousin," Emmett chuckled.

"Are we dating?" Bella asked, never taking her eyes form mine.

"I don't fucking think so. Not yet. You wanted to take it slow."

"And you told me back in the elevator that you wanted to wait," Bella laughed back.

"You two are impossible," Emmett chuckled. "But it's good to see you smile, man. And you too, Pretty Doc."

"Now that you're engaged to a doctor, Em, you might want to cut out that 'Pretty Doc' shit," I offered. I mean, if he called Bella pretty one more time, I might have had to hit him or something.

"Aw, Rosie doesn't mind. She knows how I feel about her. And I know she feels like shit about how she treated you, Pre-, Bella, I mean."

I felt Bella's body stiffen, and she looked to the ground and cleared her throat. "Well, she should, you know? She was supposed to be a friend. My boyfriend was killed, and I was practically accused of murder. She wasn't there. Not even close. It's not something I can just let go."

"Listen, Em," I said as I hugged Bella closer. "Just let it go for now. Don't push this shit, okay?"

"I just don't like seeing Rosie sad."

Bella twitched in my arms, and I could practically feel her anger rising. I understood. Rosalie's sadness, or whatever, was no match for the way Bella's life had unraveled around her over the past couple weeks. "Listen, Em, Bella and I have a lot to talk about. Go hang out with your dad, if Rosalie even lets you into the room."

Emmett glanced between Bella and I, and his eyes settled on my hands clasped around her waist. "Yeah, uh, sure. Gottcha. Are we okay, Edward?"

"We're better, Em. I'll give you a call."

"Sounds good, bro," Emmett said. I could tell he was considering giving Bella and I a bear hug, and I braced for it. But thankfully, he settled for a self-conscious pat on the shoulder, as he brushed past us down the hall.

"What in the hell happened at dinner?" Bella asked as we strolled hand in hand to the elevator.

"You don't fucking want to know."

xXxXx

Bella and I settled across a small, surprisingly greasy table. With the dingy tiles and the sticky floors, the place felt more like a diner than a hospital cafeteria. I tried not to let the filth fucking get to me, but I ended up with my hands on my lap instead of the tabletop. No matter, it wasn't like I'd found anything to eat or drink except a bottle of spring water.

Bella hadn't planned on eating either. Her skin had turned a pale shade of green as she'd surveyed the soggy sandwiches and the prepackaged iceberg lettuce salads in their clear plastic tins.

"I think I'll just have water, too," she said, reaching for her own bottle.

"No fucking way. You need to eat."

Bella narrowed her eyes at me, but she picked up an over-waxed apple without another word. I was pretty sure she had no intention of eating it.

I forked over a dollar-fifty for the apple and the water at the register. If we both kept this up, later in the week we were going to go on the cheapest date known to man. "Aren't you supposed to be _gaining_ wait?" I asked as we searched for a seat.

"I threw up on Nessie's head this morning, Edward. You should be grateful that I've been able to avoid doing the same thing to you."

I _was_ grateful, and full of fucking concern. "Didn't you say you'd look into meds?"

"That was just last night and I've been kind of busy today," Bella sighed, sinking into her seat. She pulled off her suit jacket and slung it over the back of her chair. I cringed as she set the apple down on the dirty tabletop. Maybe I'd be fine after all if she didn't eat.

"Sorry, B. I'm just worried, and I guess it fucking feels like forever since we talked, you know?"

"I know. Everything's different today. It doesn't seem real. I mean, you fixed everything."

"Not everything…" I hadn't fixed Mary or her daughter, I hadn't fixed Jacob, and I could never fix the fact that I was about to be the bearer of a shitload of fucktabulous news. I almost leaned my elbows on the table in order to get closer to Bella, but averted the filth at the last second and rubbed my hands over my thighs instead.

"Edward?"

I reached for Bella's hand, (under the table to avoid the grime, and maybe so I could simultaneously touch her knee). Her fingertips traced little paths back and forth on my palm and she slid her foot along the floor until the tip of her pump met the tip of my shoe under the table.

"The table's not that dirty," she said, trying to meet my eyes.

"I'm fucking nervous," I tried to explain. I was beginning to piece together the situations where my OCD shit drove me insane. I figured that I'd pretty much been insane my entire life before Bella. These days, it was only when I was fucking nervous about slipping back to that place that I fell back into the insanity. And, when that happened, I became even more nervous, because I was fucking sure Bella wouldn't want to build a life with a crazy person. I glanced at the table, tempted to touch it, just to show her that she shouldn't be frightened. But I couldn't fucking bring myself to do it.

"Is it about Carlisle?" Bella asked. "Between Esme and Rosalie, I don't think -"

"No, that's not it," I cut her off.

We sat in silence. Bella eyed the grimy table, not daring to question me further. I didn't know where to begin.

"I think Alice might know," Bella said, breaking the silence that had settled around us. She glanced up at me hopefully. "I just get this feeling when she talks to me. I mean, I get that she's happy to see me, but I don't know, she's never seemed to care so much about my tummy before. And is it me, or does she just have this way of guessing things?"

With mention of the peanut, the uncomfortable tension that had been building between Bella and I evaporated, and I found myself relaxing into her touch. I slid a little lower in my chair so our ankles rubbed, instead of just the tips of our toes.

"I have something," I confessed. With my free hand I slipped the peanut chew toy out of my pocket and handed it to Bella under the table. I held her hand in both of mine as she examined the little thing with her fingers, trying to figure out what it might be.

"What the? Oh my god!" Bella pulled the peanut out from under the table and her smile was so instantaneous and big and bright it practically made the cafeteria look shiny and spotless and shit. "A peanut teething ring? For the peanut? You bought this?"

"I wanted to do something. I was, I don't know, overjoyed yesterday. Lost. Dreaming. _I _told Alice. She _does_ know. Don't hate me."

"I could never hate you," Bella cooed, turning over the toy in her hands.

"That's a fucking start."

Bella played with the peanut a little, she smiled at me across the table, she slouched a little too, and I felt more of her leg against mine. Her calves were thin and toned, and I longed to touch them with my fingers. With my lips. In a bed.

"You didn't ask me here just to give me the peanut, though. Did you?" Bella asked, breaking the spell. But, by talking about the peanut, she'd given me the strength to speak. Now she was giving me an opening. She was good.

"No, baby, I wish. Mary Hunter had a lot to say. I could simply hand you a transcript of the deposition, or I could let Aminah or Donovan tell you, but I thought you should hear it from… I don't know, whoever I am to you."

Bella glanced up from the peanut and her eyes searched mine. She looked frightened, like she was considering running away. I didn't give her a chance to speak; I was too scared to hear her take on our relationship status, and I didn't want her to have a chance to leave, either. Instead, I launched into the story. I told her about Maxim spotting Mary and tailing her, about how I saw James and Aminah in front of the courthouse, and how Maxim persuaded me to follow Mary. How I'd convinced Mary to speak to the police instead of getting on a flight and fleeing.

"You stayed with her while she gave her statement?" Bella asked.

"And while they waited for a social worker, long enough to make sure they'd be put in protective custody and would receive the care they needed."

"You," Bella said, shaking her head staring at me intently.

"What?" It was hard to meet her eyes because it suddenly felt like they were seeing right fucking though me, and I wasn't sure I wanted that. I didn't know if she'd stay if she knew that much. I found myself looking out the cafeteria windows, my cheeks uncharacteristically warm.

"You're unreal."

"Flesh and fucking blood, actually," I muttered, somehow finding the nerve to look back in her direction. Bella blushed and bit her lip.

"Is it because you want to help me? Is that why?"

"Why what?"

This time Bella was the one to search for answers outside the window. "Is that why you're with me?" she asked in a small voice.

"_Am_ I with you, B?"

Bella nodded, but she still couldn't look me in the eye. I sighed with relief.

"I'm with you because my life didn't really start until we met, baby. What I was doing before you came along couldn't honestly be called living."

Bella turned back to me looking fiercely determined. "Because I won't always need so much help."

"But I'll always need _you_, B. No matter what." And therein lay the imbalance in our relationship, if you could even call it a relationship. I'd fucking hold on to Bella forever, but she seemed to recoil at the idea that she might do the same.

She reached across the table for my hand, and I gave in and took it. I concentrated on the warmth of her fingers and how firmly she held me. I let them tell the story that her voice wouldn't. I held on to that.

"So, Mary was trying to help all those times she drove by the house?" Bella asked in a quiet voice.

I nodded my head, and Bella's grasp tightened, quite possibly crushing a few of the smaller bones in my hand.

"But Felix chased her away," Bella sighed. "It could all have been over so much quicker. We could have taken her in. We could have helped. All of this stuff with Ness and court…"

"Maybe I fucked up with Felix, huh?" I asked.

"That's not what I'm saying at all, Edward! If it weren't for you, James would probably have visitation rights with Nessie right now."

"That man will never so much as look at your daughter. I can fucking assure you of that," I growled. I took a deep breath, trying to hold on to my composure.

"It's bad, then, what he did to his wife? It's really bad? Like when I was married to him?" Bella asked, trying to pull her hand away. I didn't let her. I needed her for this.

"Much worse."

"And her daughter?"

I nodded my head; loathe to give Bella the details. "At the end, he kept them locked in a room. She was… intimidated, physically. She's pretty sure he was just biding his time before he could get rid of them. He knew he was being watched."

"So, you kind of kept Mary alive when you stationed Maxim there."

"I didn't do anything but try to keep you safe."

"Thanks," she said in a whisper.

"Any time."

We paused, we smiled awkwardly, we let the weight of everything I'd just said settle.

"Do you know why he did that to her?"

"After her last trip to Philly, James figured out Mary was trying to help you. And that, of course, didn't fit into his plan. He needed the testimony of his dutiful and doting wife at the custody hearing. With Mary's betrayal, James could have lost everything that he'd moved across the country for. So, he locked his wife and his daughter in the apartment."

"Oh my god. She must be… devastated. No, much worse than that."

"She was fucking shaken, to say the least. Fuck, Bella, what that man did to another human being, when I think about what he could have done to you…" I tried to check my mounting anger. I gazed into Bella's eyes and let them ground me. She smiled bravely and pressed her leg against mine. "I can't fucking believe how strong you were to get away. To just, I don't know, be yourself now, to have a life and a career. Shit, you're so much stronger than I ever gave you credit for."

Bella shook her head dismissively. "I had Jacob. He helped."

Jacob. His name hung in the air between us for a second before it faltered and fell down, slid across the greasy tabletop and plopped into my lap. Jacob.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

I stared at my lap. Jacob. I took a deep breath.

"Victoria killed Jacob," I said very quickly, just to make sure I didn't chicken out.

Bella's hand flew over her mouth and she jumped to her feet, knocking her chair to the ground.

"Baby." I didn't realize I'd moved, but I was somehow suddenly folding Bella's body into my embrace. "Baby."

Bella was shaking uncontrollably. I righted her chair and pulled mine along side of hers. I helped her sit. She just about crawled into my lap, her head pressed against my chest. I rocked her like I'd rocked Nessie the day after Bella's birthday, the day after everyone's lives had changed forever.

"Why?" she breathed after some time. "Victoria didn't even know Jake."

"Jake showed up at James' house the night after you said no to his proposal."

"Oh my god," Bella gasped. I rubbed her arm and played with her hair. It was important for me to keep the connection between us while I spoke, otherwise I was pretty sure one of us was going to lose our shit.

"Jake was angry, and he kept saying he didn't have anything to lose after losing you and Nessie. He yelled at James, told him to go back to Washington and to leave you and Nessie alone. When James said no, Jake pulled out a gun."

"That freaking gun. I didn't even know he had one," Bella sighed with a shudder.

"I checked on that a couple weeks ago. He registered for one on August sixteenth."

"Oh… wow. That was the day after Victoria showed up at work. Jake was so angry, I guess I didn't take it seriously enough."

"You didn't do anything wrong, B."

Bella simply sighed again, and settled her head against my chest. I lightly kissed the soft spot behind her ear before steeling myself to continue. "James actually managed to talk Jacob down. He tried to convince Jake to turn against you. He said you'd been… cheating on him. Mary says James had proof."

"Pictures?" Bella asked, spinning around to look at me. Her eyes were cloudy with guilt.

"Yeah, baby, pictures. Jake put the gun down when he realized that he'd been wrong. That you didn't break up with him because of James… but because of me."

Tears sprung to Bella's eyes. "It wasn't just you. I could never marry Jake, Edward. We were just friends. I let things go for far too long, and I got him killed."

"Jake got himself killed, baby. He showed up with a gun."

Bella shook her head. I don't know if she was buying it. "But he put it down. What happened?"

I paused, trying to remember Mary's exact words.

"Victoria walked in, and she was high, and… who fucking knows. She took things the wrong way, or the right way, I guess. Jake _was_ there to threaten her brother's life. She saw the gun, picked it up and fired. Over and over."

Bella's whole body jumped, like she was witnessing the murder firsthand.

"James was furious," I continued. "A murder in his home was going to get in the way -"

"Of getting custody of Ness," Bella said, finishing my statement, wiping her eyes. "But, I still don't get it, Edward. James didn't even know Ness. He threw her down a flight of stairs. Why the heck did he want her so badly?"

"He wanted to hurt you, Bella, any way he could. Taking Ness was one way. And joint custody or not, his plan _was_ to take her away from you. He had Victoria keep tabs on you, hoping that he'd find some other ammunition to bring you down. She saw me leaving Carlisle's office, and then she saw us at the beach together."

"_She_ reported me to the ethics board!"

"She did. For James. So, he covered up Jacob's murder for his sister. He sent Jacob's body down the river with the gun, so the authorities would be bound to find it. He hoped they would charge you with the murder, but even if they didn't James knew that Jake's death would be devastating for you. And there was the chance that it could hurt you at the custody hearing, and maybe get in the way of our… relationship."

"It almost worked," Bella sniffled.

I tried not to think that it actually did work. That I was holding Bella in my arms, but I was increasingly insecure about where I stood in her life with every passing second. Fuck, I'd been on the verge of asking her to marry me before Jake died, and now, even though she was carrying my child, I felt like the more I explained things, the more she was slipping away.

"Where is she?" Bella asked.

It took me a second to figure out who Bella was referring to. "Victoria?" I asked.

Bella nodded.

"James told Victoria to get the hell out of town. Mary hasn't seen her since the night of the murder."

Bella shook in my arms. I drew her body against mine and kissed the top of her head.

"Once the medical board hears that the original misconduct report was filed by a woman accused of murdering your boyfriend, and once that woman fails to show up for her hearing tomorrow, I don't think they'll move forward with your case, Bella. In fact, they'll probably try to put as much distance between themselves and this mess as possible."

It was impossibly good news: Bella could most likely keep her job and her medical license. However, her head remained pressed against my chest and she didn't move a muscle. I cradled her in my arms and buried my face in her hair. I didn't blame her. After hearing about her ex-husband's plans to destroy her life, and armed with the knowledge of how close he'd come to getting his hands on Little Bell, I'd been worried that Bella would fall to pieces all over again. She was actually handling it much better than I'd hoped.

We stayed like that for a long time. People hardly glanced in our direction, probably assuming we were consoling one another about some loved one, and under any other circumstances we would have been commiserating about Carlisle. The dinner crowd came and went, the angle of the sun changed until Bella was completely in my shadow. We fell into one another, into the rhythm of our breath, under the influence of our heartbeats. We went from clinging to holding, and from holding to being. And we settled into a place of relief and acceptance slowly, yet effortlessly.

Bella stirred and finally lifted her face to look at mine. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her cheeks blotchy and stained with tears. "I need to get home to Ness."

So did I.

"I'm scared," she continued.

So was I.

"James is being held in lock-up now, baby. He'll be charged in the morning, with much more than false imprisonment. I imagine the D.A. will throw everything they can at him. It's a month before elections, and solving Jacob's murder and throwing a monster like James in prison would benefit everyone. They'll make an example of him. If Mary testifies, it will be hard for them to lose."

"You'll represent her then?"

"No, I handed her off to Aminah's associate, Zafrina. If this slow dating shit goes as well as I'd like it to, I didn't want a hint of a conflict of interest. Dating James' ex-wife and representing his other wife is too close for my comfort, these days."

"A date, after all of this…" Bella's voice trailed off and she scooted off my lap.

My stomach dropped. I'd felt this coming ever since we sat down in the cafeteria. I took the last swig of my water, and I had to force the words out of my mouth.

"You've changed your mind about us, then?"

Bella jumped like she'd been shocked. "How could you ask that? You're one of the only things I'm sure of."

"I want to believe you."

"Edward, the ground has been shifting under my feet for almost three weeks, now. When we were… together, I guess, I was so sure that I finally found the right person. I've never been as happy, or felt so settled, even as my life was falling apart around me. But even with the right person, I managed to do all of the wrong things."

"But, Bella -"

"No. Let me finish, please.

"I just worry that I don't know the difference between right and wrong anymore. After spending a week in Forks, I was so sure I'd figured out the right thing for us to do: dating, talking, getting to know each other the way normal people do it. Taking things slow. But after seeing you just one time, in court when it seemed like the judge was going to rule in James' favor, I was ready to run away with you and assume fake identities, or something. That's crazy, right?"

I couldn't help grinning. I knew running away together was a bizarre idea, but it had still hurt so much when she turned me down yesterday. I heard what she was saying about right and wrong, but the fact that she'd trusted me enough to go for it, even in her head, that was fucking golden.

Bella was studying my face, probably trying to figure out why her moral crisis was making me so happy. "I love your crazy, Bella. Finally, I'm not the only crazy one around here."

"I'm not usually all over the map like this, Edward. I used to know right from wrong. I knew what I wanted, and then I'd go for it."

"But you said that you knew what you wanted. That you wanted… _me_, right?"

Bella's smile seemed sad, but she nodded her head.

"Then you should go for it. I'm pretty sure you'd get what you wanted."

Her grin grew reluctantly larger.

"And you said there were other things you wanted too, right?"

"There are only two things, actually… well, _people_, really: you and Nessie. Right now, everything else… scares me to death." Her words finished in a whisper, like she was ashamed of what she'd had to say.

"Everything else?"

Bella could no longer look into my eyes, but I thought I understood. I hoped I did. She'd lived a lifetime in the past three weeks. She'd never wanted to get married again, and I hadn't even considered a relationship as a real possibility. Those were all things that screamed at us to take things slow. But whenever we were together, there was this energy that would build, and it made slowing things down in our relationship seem impossible.

"I wanted to try for normal, Edward. A date, dinner, hanging out with friends. But everything you've said to me since we've sat down today, it's so far from that. Everything I feel when I'm with you is so far from that. I moved to Philadelphia to find some normalcy for Ness and myself, and I made a normal life with Jake, but it was all wrong. Is being normal even possible for us? Or am I always going to do stupid things like let you undress me in my office, or run away and live on the lamb?"

"Making out with you at work was many things, B, but I take offence at stupid," I laughed, suddenly more than a little aroused, despite the gravity of the situation and my best intentions. Those fucking garters and the way her tits had looked in that bra…

"Edward."

I blinked and dragged my reluctant brain back to the present. "Listen, baby, I know what you mean. I was never tempted to sleep with a client before, or to blur the lines like I did with you. We'll work on that shit together, okay? As long as I'm one of the two things you're certain about, I'll try for normalcy. I'll fucking date you. I'll date the hell out of you. I'll date you like you've never been fucking dated before. But I don't fucking know about going slow."

That, at least, earned a sincere smile. Bella trailed her finger along the side of my thigh, but I grabbed her hand, stilling her progress. If she kept that shit up, slow wouldn't just be unlikely, it would be impossible.

"You'll help me with right and wrong?" Bella asked, wiggling her finger in my hand. I arched my eyebrows at her and she stopped her wiggling.

"I'm pretty fucking sure you know the difference." I leaned in and gently kissed Bella's forehead, my lips barely grazing her skin.

"Right," she breathed with a sigh.

"This?" I asked, my fingers brushing from her waist to her hip.

"Right."

I pushed her hair behind her ear and held the back of her head in my hand.

"Right," she cooed, looking up into my eyes. And suddenly, I was breathing like I'd just been running for miles. Bella brought her face closer to mine, stroked my jaw and planted a gentle kiss on my lips. She may as well have been stroking my cock. It had the same effect. "Right," she said, again.

I was in no fucking shape for reasoning about right and wrong anymore, and in no shape to take things slowly, either. I was, however, primed to fuck Bella in a parking garage, but figured that would fall into the "wrong" category.

"Let's get you home to Ness," I offered, abruptly pulling away from Bella.

xXxXx

"Friday night? I asked. "Eight o'clock, maybe?"

We'd walked hand in hand to Bella's car. We'd almost kissed again after Bella opened the door. Our relationship status still felt scary and silly, even after talking. I should have been climbing into the car with her. I settled for leaning through the open driver's side window.

Bella nodded, smiling. "I'm looking forward to it, since you're going to date the hell out of me," she giggled.

Was that what I'd fucking said? Shit. I'd never even been on a date before.

"Well, I'll give it a shot, at least," I said with a chuckle.

"Me too," Bella agreed, and I knew she was talking about more than the date. "Good luck with the ethics board tomorrow."

"I'll call as soon as I'm out of there. Don't start looking for your replacement yet, okay?"

"Have a good night, Edward."

"It would be better if I were spending it with you. Kiss Little Bell for me?"

Bella left me with a quick kiss on the cheek. She was about to roll the window up and back out of the parking spot, when she abruptly stopped.

"Oh, Edward, I just remembered. The judge that heard my case, he knew you. Judge O'Connor, I think. He had, um, some really nice things to say about you, and Nessie," she said, blushing furiously. "And he said he's waiting for your call."

In all of the drama of the past couple days, I'd nearly forgotten about the judge's proposal. I'd have to give him a call and tell him I wasn't interested. I had a kid to support, well, almost, anyway. I needed a paying job. I wasn't in a position to go after some pie in the sky dream.

"Thanks, baby. I'll call him tomorrow."

Bella leaned out of the window, and gave me another quick kiss, closer to my lips this time. "Just checking. Still right," she smiled, before pulling out of her spot.

Another thing I knew was right: Following Bella home and never fucking leaving. But I'd wait. I'd fucking wait for my world to fall into place instead of pushing it out of orbit and letting it get away.

Instead of going back to the hotel, I made my way back to the hospital to see Carlisle. My phone buzzed in my pocket while I waited for the elevator. It was a number I didn't recognize.

"Hello?"

"How're you doin' Edward?" the voice on the other end drawled.

"J?"

* * *

**A/N: Combining a RL and fanfic vacation this past week was awesome. Along those vacation-esque lines, I didn't responded to reviews last week, and I apologize. I've read every one, and they've been amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time!**

**I want to thank the ladies at TwiFic Bitches for rec'ing TPoL last week. I also want to thank whoever nominated TPoL for The Walk of Fame Awards. It was nom'ed for The Angst Goddess and The Newcomer Awards. I'll let you know about voting when I do.**

**To keep in touch, and to discuss TPoL and fanfic in general, you guys can find me on fb at http:/www . facebook . com/belladonna . cullen1, or on Twitter (BellaDCullen).**

**Until next week, xxx, M**


	34. Chapter 31

**BPOV**

I tossed in Nessie's bed as my mind replayed everything that happened in that elevator: his eyes so close to mine, burning through me so completely that I was lucky I didn't end up a pile of smoldering ash on the floor. The faint scent of salt and musk that came off his skin as his hands held me, so gentle in their caresses. But when he'd gripped my fingers I could gauge his potential strength, and it fueled older memories of him clutching my ass, my hips, my knees…

_God._

I rolled out of the bed carefully so as not to wake Ness and I locked myself in the bathroom down the hall. My fingers would do, but they weren't enough, not by a long shot, and my orgasm was small and unsatisfying. I sat on the toilet panting and wiped myself so I could climb into my daughter's bed with clean panties. I was never this horny the first time I was pregnant. But I knew it didn't really have anything to do with hormones.

It was Edward.

Just the thought of everything he'd done for Nessie and me along with the memory of our kiss in the cafeteria, and his reaction to it, and I considered settling in for another go round. Instead, I washed my hands and splashed some water on my face. Glancing up, I almost didn't recognize my reflection in the mirror. I was too thin, my cheekbones too sharp, and my eyes were bright, almost like I'd been drinking. My nipples were hard and knotted under my tank top. On impulse, I ran my hands over them and pinched, shivering with a combination of pleasure and pain. They were already extra sensitive and nearly twice their normal size. I wondered what Edward would say, how his fingers would explore and touch. I guessed he'd be gentle at first, but rougher once he figured out how much I could take.

But, by my own ridiculous decree, we were taking things slowly.

We were.

Right?

Weren't we?

I was an idiot.

I slipped into bed and tried to drift off to sleep. Usually the cadence of Nessie's breathing could pull me quickly under. But tonight there were too many places for my mind to drift, too many places I was trying to keep from going, and too many things besides morning sickness to fuel my nausea. I buried my head in my pillow and tried to block it out. I tried to hide from the tendrils of guilt that threatened to take root in my psyche. I tried to hang onto Edward's assurances that I'd done nothing wrong.

But, the thing is, I _had_ done something wrong.

I'd been too small and scared and guilt-ridden to tell Jake about Edward. I knew Jake didn't believe me when I told him our break-up had nothing to do with James. And, just like I should have expected, Jake went off all impetuous and brave and tried his best to protect Nessie and me. There was a good chance he died thinking about Edward and me holding hands on the beach or snuggled together on a lifeguard stand watching the sunset. I had no doubt that he died with a broken heart.

I choked, my stomach convulsed, and I reached for the little box I stashed under Nessie's bed. I forced a cracker past my lips and chased it with water. I wiped the sweat from my brow and kicked the covers off.

I didn't have the time for any of this agonizing. It wasn't going to solve anything and I had more immediate problems to face. I hadn't been to work in weeks, and I had to show up tomorrow morning and run the office. _Me_. You know, the doc whose boyfriend was murdered, who shacked up with the boss's nephew, whose relationship was the subject of a hearing where everyone in the office had been called to testify. Not to mention the fact that I threw up at the drop of a hat. Yeah, I had my work cut out for me.

xXxXx

"Good morning, Heidi, Shelly." I kept my voice professional, held my head high and took long, self-assured strides through the front office.

"Dr. Swan!" Shelly exclaimed. Heidi just gaped. Openly.

"Is Angela in yet?" I asked breezily, stopping to survey the morning's schedule on the desktop monitor.

"Angela?" Heidi asked in disbelief. I kept my eyes on the screen, so I may have been wrong, but I think I saw Shelly give Heidi a small warning kick to the shin.

"Angela's in the break room, Dr. Swan," Shelly answered, while Heidi rubbed her shin.

"Great. Send her into my office." I pulled a small box of tea from my bag and turned and held it out to Heidi. "Heidi, I'm going to need peppermint tea. All day. Constantly. Can you help me with that?" I asked with a smile.

"Um, sure."

"And Shelly, I want every appointment that was canceled yesterday rescheduled for sometime this week."

"But, Dr. Swan -"

"Nope, Shelly. We can make it happen. We have a responsibility to Dr. Cullen to keep this practice running and to keep our patients happy and healthy. We just have to stay on point. Along those lines, we'll have a staff meeting in fifteen in the break room."

With that, I strode down the hall to my office feeling triumphant. I couldn't have done any better. I was a good doctor, I was efficient and knowledgeable, and my wreck of a personal life was not going to dictate my job performance. I just had to let everyone else in the practice know that. It felt like I was off to a good start.

Even so, my spirits plummeted a little when I came face to face with the ten solid inches of paperwork stacked neatly, waiting for me in my in box. Federal regulations meant that I'd have to find the time to go through it all during work hours, and Nessie's first therapy session this evening meant that every free second of my day was going to be spent interpreting, consulting, telephoning and filing.

I sank into my chair, took a deep breath and dove in, for all of about thirty seconds.

"Dr. Swan?"

Angela's voice made me jump, but I worked to quickly calm my nerves. I put on my best game face and tried to look her squarely in the eyes, but Angela wouldn't meet my gaze, choosing to study something near my knees instead. No matter, she could still hear me, I reasoned.

"Angela, today hinges on you and me working together like a well-oiled machine. I need you to be pleasant and charming and in and out of every exam room in under five minutes. I need open communication and cooperation. I hope this isn't going to be a problem, because, otherwise, it's going to be a very long start to an even longer week."

"Uh… I, uh…" she stammered. I stood up and Angela took a wary step backwards out the door. God, this was ridiculous.

"Listen, Angela, could you just come in here and close the door, please?" I asked, leaning against my desk.

She reluctantly did as I asked.

"Angela, I liked you a lot back when I first started here. I can't do anything about your feelings towards me, or Edward, but I really don't want that to come in the way of our working relationship. And, I think maybe we could, um, help each other out?"

I held my breath, waiting. It was a gamble, but given where I'd bumped into Angela at the hospital, I figured that she could probably use some support getting through a jam-packed day, just like I could. After a couple of seconds, Angela finally looked in my direction. I'd piqued her interest.

"We could cover for one another, you know?" I offered. "Assuming you haven't already let the cat out of the bag."

Angela shook her head furiously. "No, I – I, what would I say, really?"

I'd kind of figured that. She'd looked mildly horrified when I saw her at the hospital, and I had a feeling it must have been about more than Edward. It made me wonder if Ben even knew. Angela couldn't have told anyone about the peanut without exposing herself too. I sighed, relieved. There was too much gossip at the moment without adding a pregnancy to it all.

"So we'll work together, then? I'll cover for you if you need it, and vice versa?"

"Sure," Angela agreed still looking slightly startled. "Um, can I ask how, um, far along you are, Dr. Swan?"

"Oh, yeah, sure, six weeks. And you?"

"Nine."

"Morning sickness?" I asked.

"Not really, but I have to pee about every twenty minutes."

"That's about how often I throw up," I offered. Angela's face blanched and I felt instantly sorry for sharing that much detail. "Are you ready for this, Angela? Because I'm staying on time today. No back-ups through my lunch break. No pile-up in the waiting room. Me and you are going to own this schedule today, okay?"

My little speech earned me the hint of a smile. "Let's do it," Angela quietly agreed, and we walked to the staff meeting together.

As I requested, everyone was assembled in the break room. Of course they were - they were curious as hell to see me after everything I'd been through. It didn't pause to let that sink in. Instead, I hopped up onto the countertop so I that I was at least eye level with everyone, and I launched into an update on Carlisle's condition.

"So, he'll be out of the office for four to six weeks," I concluded, "and when he comes back he sure as hell won't be working as hard as he was before. We can't let his medical practice of twenty-plus years suffer. The way I see it, we have to do right by Dr. Cullen and pick up the slack. I'll be expecting everyone here to go above and beyond. Questions?"

"Will we be bringing in anyone else to help?" Heidi asked as she handed me my first cup of peppermint tea. I took a long, grateful sip before replying.

"I can't say at the moment. But certainly not for another couple weeks, at least."

"Will we have to work longer hours, then?" Ben asked, sneaking a sympathetic glance at Angela.

Longer workdays were out of the question. I needed all the time I could get with Nessie. I couldn't leave her with Miss Beverly for hours on end in the emotional state she was in. Not to mention that I needed to get my home ready to sell and to find another house for the two of us.

"No, not at all," I answered.

People started murmuring to one another in disbelief.

"We'll cut the patient load, then?" Shelly surmised.

"Listen, we all know what we're doing here. We're experienced professionals. We just need to be on task. Ben, no more long lunches, okay? And Heidi, no manipulating the schedule to your liking, and no unannounced visits. And Shelly, you're practically perfect, but let's not pull anyone else aside for… coaching."

Shelly's face turned a shade of red usually reserved for beets and raw liver. I made a mental note to apologize later before continuing with my pep talk.

"Along those lines, I'm aware that each of you has a hearing scheduled over the next week. That's unfortunate for many different reasons, but mostly because we need you here during office hours, now, more than ever. Please check in with Shelly about when you'll be out, and we'll work diligently to get you covered."

I was interrupted by sound of tinkling of wind chimes coming from the direction of the waiting room. That would be our first patient. I glanced at my watch; it was time.

"Okay, guys. Let's do this," I called out as I hopped down from the counter. We were off.

We were slammed that morning. Mrs. Davidson's TSH was too high, and I adjusted her Synthroid prescription. Mr. Figueroa's LDL levels were edging upwards and I referred him to nutritionist and made him pinky swear that he would actually make an appointment. Claire Davidson needed a school physical and booster shots. The list went on, and so did I.

There were moments when I wondered what was happening at Edward's hearing, but then I'd go on to the next patient. Not to mention that random things, like a patient's cell phone ringtone, could bring thoughts of Jake to the forefront of my mind. But then I'd spot an abscess the size of a golf ball, or I'd hear lung sounds that made me suspect emphysema, and I'd snap out of it.

I threw everything I had into the care of my patients. I made them smile and relax as I gave each one ten minutes of undivided attention, and I began to remember that there were some things that I actually did well in this world.

After about an hour, the rest of the office appeared to forget about all of the things hanging over my head as well. I was professional and efficient, and so were they. Angela had as many bathroom breaks as she needed, she covered for me when I tried to inconspicuously throw up between office visits, and Heidi kept the peppermint tea coming.

By lunchtime I had actual time to eat my lunch. I collapsed into my office chair and warily eyed the soup and salad I'd brought to work with me. I had to eat, but the anti-emetic I'd started taking this morning hadn't kicked in yet. I'd optimistically packed something healthy, but I honestly wished I'd just brought a big loaf of white bread, instead.

"Dr. Swan?" came Heidi's voice from over the office intercom.

"Yeah, Heidi?" I was surprised to hear how tired I sounded.

"There's, um, _someone_ here to see you."

"I thought we cancelled the reps for the rest of the week," I sighed.

"It's not a rep. Dr. Swan," Heidi's voice sang out.

I practically groaned in frustration. "And I thought we were clear that there were to be no surprise patients scheduled without -"

"He's, not a patient, Dr. Swan," Heidi interrupted curtly. "Not anymore."

I was up and out of my chair in a heartbeat, which was saying a lot, because my heart was suddenly racing at about one hundred beats per minute. There was only one person it could be.

I glanced at the clock. It was precisely noon: just in time for one of our never-ending inappropriate lunchtime visits. Edward was in the office, and it was silly and sweet and completely unexpected, and it meant that he was back from the hearing.

I tried to hold on to my composure as I slipped out of my office and walked down the hall. I spotted Heidi in the front office, apparently lost in a blissful daydream as she stared through the window into the waiting room. I followed her line of vision, and well, let's just say that I couldn't really blame her.

Edward was studying a chart on the wall, oblivious to our attention. His hair was especially disheveled and gleamed in the sunlight like it was made from strands of spun bronze. His charcoal gray suit jacket hung perfectly from his broad shoulders, and his moss-colored shirt and forest green tie combined to make his eyes stand out like two glittering emeralds. Not to mention the well-tailored fit of his slacks and his stylish, brown cap-toe oxfords. I actually salivated as I surveyed the entire ensemble, and the only thing I could imagine was that Edward had decided to seduce each member of the ethics panel in order to demonstrate that no one stood a chance at turning him down.

He was even more attractive than the first day we'd met, because now I knew his heart and I understood what lengths he'd go to for my daughter and me. The idea that that someone so awe inspiring could want _me_, even more, that he could _love_ me, and that he could be mine, was staggering.

Quite suddenly, while I stood there openly gaping at the man that was hoping to slowly date me because I'd asked him to, I began to understand that this genuine disbelief and insecurity was what was keeping me from completely committing. Before Jake's death, there were too many things in our way to consider whatever Edward and I had as a real relationship. And apparently, I only found myself to be _semi_-relationship material. I simply couldn't fathom pursuing something out in the open, where Edward loved me for everyone to see. Since I'd called him when I was in Forks, I'd been subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop, even as he told me over and over again that he wanted me.

"Bella?" Edward asked, waking me from my reverie and sending shivers down my spine. He smiled crookedly, self-consciously with his hands dug deep in his pockets. I felt that telltale twinge between my thighs and my nipples stood to attention, hoping to catch his eye. Edward had always had this primal effect on me; he'd always made my body feel this way. But now he had my heart, too. And here I was hesitating and holding myself back. I was more of an emotional idiot than I'd given myself credit for.

"Hey, you," I answered.

From the corner of my eyes I noticed that Heidi kept sneaking glances at the two of us. It made sense. Edward and I were together – well, kind of, anyway.

If anyone was keeping us apart, it was me.

I _was_ an idiot.

"Do you have some time?" he asked as he walked across the waiting room. He leaned on the counter and his smile grew.

"Uuh…" I answered, just in case he was laboring under the assumption that I was coherent. My heart stuttered and my mind raced to the last lunch we spent together in my office. I fleetingly wished I'd worn a sexier pare of panties, but hastily pushed the thought aside. He'd just come from an ethics hearing, about _me_, for god's sake.

I was trying to do the right thing and I had nearly a solid foot of paperwork waiting in my office. In this situation I was supposed to say no, right? I mean, I'd just re-established myself as an authority figure with the staff; I couldn't bring Edward back to my office.

I focused on his hands as I tried to gather the strength to turn Edward down, because I knew I'd cave if I looked him in the eye. But as I studied his fingers, their little movements only reminded me about what we'd done the last time we'd shared a lunchtime visit - _on_ my desk. I tried shifting my gaze: but his shirt was straining a bit across his solid chest, and his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat, and his bottom lip had that little permanent bite mark that I loved, and before I knew it, I was looking him in the eye.

"Please?" he asked under his breath. In response, I sighed. Audibly. Heidi giggled and skittered out of the office.

"I only have half an hour," I hedged. My mind raced through everything two people that felt this way for one another could accomplish in half an hour.

"And I have lunch," he said with a nod towards a paper bag sitting on a chair in the waiting room. "Come for a walk with me?" he offered.

This time, the sigh I breathed was one of relief. Edward was good. He knew there was no way we could sit calmly in that office together. The idea of having him within the confines of four walls, alone, with my desk and my chair and his hands and his… No, there was no way we could have done that. Edward was saving me again, this time from my own libido.

"Heidi, I'll be back in twenty," I called. My voice was a little off, and Heidi's only response was to giggle from somewhere nearby. Edward's shoulders relaxed, though. I guess he hadn't been sure if I'd agree, either. I took his uncertainty as evidence that he was, in fact, human, and not some sort of superhero saving damsels in distress.

"What are you smiling at?" I asked as I joined him in the lobby.

Edward rubbed his hands on his suit pants before offering one to me. The gesture struck me as very wrong, but it wasn't. He wasn't a patient. He could visit me at the office. This was the normal kind of thing you would do in a relationship. My stomach flip-flopped and I prayed that I wouldn't vomit on his designer shoes.

After far too much hesitation, I took Edward's hand and his smile broadened as he led me outside.

The sun slanted down on us, practically blinding me and I had to shield my eyes so that I could look up at Edward. The sunlight streamed around his head, illuminating his hair like the strands were actual rays of light. Here I was trying to make Edward seem more human, but the universe itself was working against me, trying to tell me that he was right up there with Ra or Apollo.

"How's work?" Edward asked as he squeezed my hand. Gah! All of those memories came flooding back: his hands, my ass, my hips, my knees…

"It's going really well," I smiled, trying my best not to give myself away. Edward beamed back at me and slipped his arm around my waist as we walked past the pretty brownstones in the direction of the park. With his arm around me like that, it was actually really hard to walk and I laughed as I tried to match my strides to his.

Edward stopped and chuckled and wrapped his other arm around me too. The brown paper bag he was holding scratched at my ass.

"Hey," he rasped as his eyes bored into mine.

"Hey, yourself."

I was already on tiptoe. His head was already bent in my direction. His jaw was already scratchy and it was just after noon. His lips were a little chapped and a little bitten - perfect. I couldn't help but pull him closer, pressing myself against him, setting off sparks that triggered nerve endings that sent lightening firing to the tips of my toes. And we hadn't even kissed.

"What are you waiting for?" I asked.

"I'm not waiting anymore."

My heart flip-flopped along with my belly. His lips claimed mine and I felt like I was falling and floating, on fire, and all there was, was Edward and I, his rough lips and rough stubble, his hands on the small of my back, roaming to the back of my head, to my ass.

I felt him smiling against my lips and I opened my eyes and lost myself in pools of bright green as the sun shone around us like we were in some kind of heavenly spotlight. "What?" I asked, and then giggled. My voice sounded so breathless that it was comical.

"Not waiting," came his equally breathless reply. He swung me a little in his arms. "This is real?" he asked.

I nodded. Not waiting.

"Me and you, B?"

"Me and you, Edward."

"I have to tell you, I'm scared of the date. I don't fucking know how to date, let alone date the hell out of you."

"You're a smart man. I'm sticking to the date requirement."

"Date?" he asked hopefully, taking my hand again. "Please fucking tell me there only has to be one."

"Hey," I pouted.

"You really fucking want more than one?"

I didn't answer out loud. I wanted everything. I was just still too scared to say it.

I was saved from replying, though, as the door to the brownstone in front of us was thrown open and three tiny kids ran out, cheering about going to the park.

"Come on, daddy!" the biggest girl yelled into the house.

"Hang on, Lisa," a man called from inside. "I've got to get Barney on his leash."

Barney apparently had other ideas, and a golden retriever raced out the door, down the steps, across the little yard and over the fence. Luckily, Edward was there, you know, Edward with his superhero reflexes and all. He was able to grab Barney by the collar without even breaking into a trot or dropping the brown paper lunch bag.

"Hey, thanks!" the man called gratefully as he hopped down his front steps. "If Barney got away, well, I don't even want to think about it," he said with a nod to the three little children tumbling in the fallen leaves in the little front yard.

"Sure, no problem," Edward said, handing the dog over.

The man smiled at us both, and his kids laughed and giggled and threw leaves at one another. "I'm sorry, don't take this the wrong way, but don't I know you?" the man asked, narrowing his eyes at me.

I took a closer look. The guy was in his mid-thirties, with dark almost curly hair and warm brown eyes. As it turned out, I did know him, kind of. He'd been in for a physical about two months ago, the same day that Edward had shown up at the office for his exam.

"I, uh, work in the neighborhood," I explained, careful not to give away his status as a patient while Edward was listening.

"Oh, right," the man replied, a faint tinge of pink creeping over his cheeks. Prostate exams tended to bring that out fairly consistently in straight men. "Um, nice to see you again, Doctor. Do you live around here?"

"No, just out for lunch."

He looked slightly relieved, as if I'd remember his prostate every time we bumped into each other at the deli or something. "Well, enjoy the weather, and thanks again for catching Barney."

Edward gave me an almost critical look as we walked away, and that iron grip of his was back as he held my hand.

"What is it?" I asked.

"You've seen him naked, haven't you," he accused.

"Uh…"

"I don't know, that kind of thing never really registered until now. Any chance I could get you to stay home with the kids? Barefoot, pregnant, all that shit?"

I tried to contain my horror. "Edward, there's only been one patient I ever felt anything for in seven years."

"Just tell me it wasn't dad of the year, back there?" Edward asked with a bitter chuckle.

I stopped on the sidewalk and pulled him close. "No, you idiot. It's the love of my life, walking next to me."

xXxXx

We'd come to the edge of the park just across Kelly Drive from the Art Museum and the river. It was warm and breezy, and the grass was littered with yellow and orange leaves. Off in the distance, big dogs were running around off leash, chasing after one another and pooping and stuff. It was nice. Edward led us to a bench hidden under the cover of a tiny little maple tree.

"I'd come here sometimes after my office visits," he explained as he brushed off the bench before I could sit. "It always calmed me down. I'd get so fucking keyed up about the exams, the tests. It was fucking crazy."

I wondered if we were here so he could calm down after the ethics hearing, but I was too scared to ask. "It's really nice here," I offered.

"Lunch?" Edward asked, placing the brown bag between us. My stomach lurched.

"Uh, I don't know."

Edward sighed. "Would you at least try, B? It drives me crazy when you don't eat."

"And what if I threw up all over the place, all over you… what would that do to you?"

Edward was about to say something, but then he screwed up his lips and looked away. When he finally spoke, his voice was so quiet that it was nearly carried away from me on the wind. "If we do this shit, Bella, I think I'll see a bit more than vomit, don't you think?"

Without another word I opened the bag and spotted waxed paper printed with the "Pat's" logo.

"A cheese steak?" I asked lifting it out of the bag. The smell left no doubt about it.

"So fucking help me," Edward laughed. "A cheese steak. You won't fucking eat anything, and there was this one time when you told me that these brought you joy. I figured it was worth a fucking shot."

I didn't know if eating the thing would make me feel joyful, but the fact that Edward had put so much thought into it and brought it against his better judgment, definitely lifted my spirits. And even if I couldn't stomach the fried steak, at the very least I had twelve inches of fluffy, white, heavenly bread.

"Not to mention that Seth calls you the cheese steak girl," Edward continued, "so it just fucking seemed appropriate." He kept his eyes on the river in front of us.

"Seth?" I asked, pulling off a hunk of bread.

"Yeah, uh, he's, well, he got the award at the benefit."

"Oh, _that_ Seth." I had a vague memory of a guy with a buzz cut and boots. "Wait, how does he know me? And why does he call me the cheese steak girl?"

Edward looked almost embarrassed. "He's a… friend, I guess. He owns the vegan cheese steak place. He's, uh, dating my old assistant."

I struggled to remember what Edward's assistant looked like, but came up blank. Both times I'd met her, I'd been kind of distracted.

"He wants to meet you," Edward added shyly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he repeated, hazarding a glance in my direction, and his face lit up. "You're finally fucking eating." Edward's fingers trailed along the concrete bench until they hit my knee. He very hesitantly began brushing them back and forth, until he settled his hand on my thigh. I decided that if eating bread could elicit this response, I'd gladly eat it for the rest of my pregnancy.

But all too soon, Edward went back to studying the river.

"Edward, what is it?"

"Where are you moving, Bella?"

"Me, what?" Don't get me wrong, I wasn't stupid, it just wasn't what I'd been expecting to hear.

"You're selling your house. It's already listed. I've checked." Of course he had.

"Oh, right. Um, Media, I think, or somewhere else Southwest of the city. It's a lot cheaper down there, and I could pay for a new home and still put plenty of money aside for Ness."

Edward's hand stilled on my thigh. "Why does Ness need money?"

I sighed. This wasn't something I'd planned on discussing with Edward. Not right away, at least. "I'm all she has, Edward. And… when I'm gone, if something happened to me, I mean, I need to know that she'll be okay. I don't want her living on the street some day like you did."

Edward moved his hand from my thigh so that he could run it through his hair. I think he may have actually pulled some out by the roots. "Christ, Bella."

"There's no Christ about it, Edward."

His eyes flashed with outrage and he quickly stood to his feet. "We should get you back to the office, shouldn't we?" Edward asked in a very measured voice.

"Yeah, we should, I guess."

There was so much else that we needed to say. Edward hadn't breathed a word about the ethics hearing, or anything, really, and now, he strode past the neat brownstones without so much as a glance in my direction.

"Edward?" I asked, struggling to keep up without running. I grabbed a hold of his arm and tried to keep him still. "Edward, please."

Of course, there was no way I could actually hold Edward back if he wanted to leave, but he stopped. He didn't look at me, though, examining a For Sale sign in front of one of the bigger homes, instead. "I don't know how to fucking do this," he muttered.

"Do what, Edward?"

In response his eyes flashed in my direction, and I actually took a step backwards. He was angry - really angry.

"I need to know if you're in, Bella. No more 'love of my life' phrases in one breath, and single mom funeral plans in another. Just tell me. I need to know if you're in this with me."

I didn't understand what he was getting at. "Of – of course."

"Then what the fuck, Bella?"

"About what?"

"About moving out of the city – away from _me_. About Ness not having anyone."

"Edward. But -"

"No fucking buts, Bella. I fucking love you, and I love your daughter, and we're having a kid together. What the hell do you think? You're going to fucking die and I'm going to abandon Little Bell? Are you serious? Do you really think I'm that kind of monster?"

"But, you, I mean, Edward, please -"

I wanted him to be her father. Some day - when I could finally terminate James' parental rights, and if we were still together then we could talk about adoption. But now? Wasn't he getting ahead of himself?

"I don't know, Bella. We talk about having a child together, but I get the fucking impression you're only thinking as far ahead as June.

"This," he said motioning between the two of us, "whatever this is, it isn't just something I plan on until our child is born. By committing to this, to _us_, to having this kid with you, Bella, this means fucking forever. Don't you get that? No matter what happens between you and me - and if you ask me it would be like years of fucking happiness and fuckawesome sex - but no fucking matter, _we_ would each still be in this kid's life.

"So, I'll still be there. And I'll still love your daughter. And no fucking matter if you die, or if you leave me, or if Jacob Black returns from the fucking grave, I will still be there for Vanessa. I can't be there for one child and not the other."

He finished with a huff and a heaving chest and a lip bitten bloody. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I struggled to find something that could possibly relay some shadow of what I was feeling. "Yes," was all I could come up with.

"What?" he asked impatiently.

"Yes."

"What's that supposed to -"

"I love you," I tried the third time around.

"Bella, that doesn't -"

But he didn't finish. He couldn't. Not with my lips smothering his. I'd given up on trying to find the words. My kiss stunned him, and for a few seconds he didn't know what to do except kiss me back. He did, finally, pull away. "B, please -"

"I think this just might work, Edward. I'm in. I'm really in."

"Fuck, Bella. Then I need you to tell me what you want - not a date, not 'slow'. Tell me what you fucking want. Please?"

"Me and you and Ness and the peanut," I said quickly before my fear could resurface and stop me from speaking.

"Thank god. Because that's something I can work with."

xXxXx

After that, it was difficult to come back down to earth, but it had to happen. Edward told me all about the hearing. He'd told the detectives ahead of time that Victoria was scheduled to testify, and they were there waiting, just in case she showed up.

They were still waiting when Edward left after his hearing.

He was given the opportunity to make a statement to the panel, and he used his time to present a transcript of Mary Hunter's deposition, where she explained Victoria's reasoning for reporting me. He presented a copy of the warrant for Victoria's arrest. And he explained that I was the sole doctor in charge of Carlisle's practice.

"But that wasn't the end of it, Bella," he admitted as we both leaned against the brick wall around the back of the office. "The questions those bastards asked… who the fuck gives them the right to fucking judge?"

I sighed. They'd gone ahead with the questioning despite evidence of Victoria's craziness. "They're an ethics panel. It's kind of their job to judge."

"It just makes me so fucking angry. I didn't tell them anything… personal, about you and me. They'd have to throw me in fucking jail first. But I did what you wanted, Bella. I didn't lie about us either. I told them everything, baby.

"Thanks," I said, and I meant it. "I appreciate it."

But I returned to work with a sinking heart.

xXxXx

"And then he eated me all up," Nessie giggled with her hand all over her mouth.

"Did Jake do that a lot?" I asked after she giggled herself out.

"Yeah, sometimes. It was funny."

"Should we write that in the book, then?"

Ness nodded her head emphatically. I pulled her onto my lap and held the notebook on her little lap. She watched as I formed the letters, imitating the movements with her hand. Originally she wanted to be the one to write down the memories, but that would have taken more patience than I was capable of. Instead, she wrote Jake's name on the cover, and the word "Memories" underneath. She'd do all of the drawing, and I'd write the text. It was an idea her therapist offered after Nessie's first session. Nessie had been so excited about it that we went to work as soon as we returned home.

"And now you can draw the picture," I said when I was done writing about Jake and Nessie's "I'll eat you all up" game.

Ness scooted off of my lap and set to work with her Crayons, her tongue peeking out of the corner of her mouth. Her version of Jake was brown and extremely tall, with a shock of black hair on his head and, oddly enough, fangs. I guess it was fitting, given the context of their game.

"He didn't really eat-ed me, mama," she explained, even as she drew red blood dripping from Jake's sharp teeth.

"I know baby."

"You writed that, right? That it wasn't real. He not really died me."

"I did, Ness. It was just a game."

"Can you play that game with me, mama?" she asked, taking a break from her interpretive masterpiece.

"Of course, honey."

A few more minutes and Ness looked up from the page smiling, holding the notebook up for my inspection. I'm not exactly sure, but Jake may have had Nessie's head in his mouth, and the rest of her body in one of his hands.

"What else?" I asked, turning the page from the gory picture, suddenly wondering if this had been such a healthy idea. I'd have to ask the therapist.

"Well, there was a time we went to a beach. To Jake's beach. Me an' you an' Jake. An' we getted the rock family. And Jake tolded me about when you were little an' he was littler than you!"

"That's a good memory, baby. I'll write about that."

"Write faster and faster, mama 'cause I wanna draw a picture while I still amember it!" Ness begged, hopping up and down impatiently.

"Why don't you draw first, then?" I conceded handing her the book, and she set gratefully to work.

xXxXx

_Ness had been two when we went to First Beach with Jake. I was surprised that she remembered that day at all. We'd surprised Billy by flying out for his sixtieth birthday. It was the first time Billy had met Ness, and he took to her right away. She thought his wheelchair was the funniest thing ever, and luckily, that delighted Billy to no end. He wheeled around his tiny house chasing after her and she laughed so hard as she toddled away that she nearly hyperventilated. Finally, thoroughly tired, Nessie passed out on the front steps of the house. But with the noise from the festivities, Jake suggested that we go for a drive so she'd stay asleep longer. _

_First Beach was the obvious destination. Jake and I always ended up there. That afternoon, we sat in the car and watched the pelicans and the seagulls, and the gray waves crashing on top of kids playing in the surf. Jake wasn't much older than those kids, but instead of hanging out with friends on the beach, he was sitting in a rental car with my baby daughter and me._

"_Jake, what are you doing here?"_

"_What?" he asked a little too loud, with an edge of anger in his voice. It wasn't the first time I'd asked him something along those lines. I quickly shushed him and nodded back to Nessie sleeping soundly in her car seat._

"_You have family here, Jake - a really big family that loves you. You could be hanging out with those guys down there, with no worries. You wouldn't have to get up insanely early so you could work a morning shift, in order to get home in time to pick up a two year old from daycare. You wouldn't be busting your ass to fix up an old house. You wouldn't have this responsibility. It's not your responsibility, Jake. It's mine."_

"_You don't get it, do you, Bells? I want this. I wouldn't be living in that hellhole of a city unless I wanted you more than anything else in the world."_

"_But, Jake, I, I don't -"_

"_I love you. When are you going to get that?"_

"_I get it. But…"_

"_Do you love me, Bells?"_

"_Of course I do."_

"_That settles it, then."_

_I'd asked the wrong question that day. Instead of asking Jake why he was with me, I needed to ask myself why I was with him. _

_I might have argued more, but Ness woke up shrieking, effectively ending the conversation. Her tears didn't last long, though. As soon as she took a good look out the window, she started hopping up and down on my lap._

"_Beach! Beach! Beach!" she shouted, pointing towards the whitecaps and trying to figure out how to open the door. _

_The tension in the car evaporated as Jake pulled my daughter into his arms. "Let's take a walk on my beach, little girl," he said._

_Jake hopped out of the car door and swung Nessie onto his shoulders. She immediately clamped her hands over his eyes, and even with the car doors shut I could hear her peals of laughter. It was a game of theirs. She'd try to blind him and he'd stumble around pretending to almost bump into everything in sight. _

_His love for her was so obvious, and I knew he'd do anything for her. My eyes teared up as that old guilty feeling crept up my spine. Why did I have to complicate everything? Why did I have to ask questions like that and ruin such a nice afternoon? We were happy together. Weren't we?_

_I slipped out of the car and made my way over to Jake. He was telling Nessie about watching me swimming when he was a kid. I remembered the day, but I hadn't realized he'd been there. _

"_Your mama was so much bigger than me and I thought she was so cool," he explained, flashing his big-toothed smile in my direction when he realized I'd joined them._

"_Mama bigger an' you?" Nessie laughed like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world._

"_Yeah, can you imagine, little girl?"_

"_No!" Nessie shouted. "No, no, no!"_

_I wrapped my arm around Jake's waist. "Sorry," I whispered."_

"_For a doctor, you can be pretty dense, you know?"_

"_Yeah, I guess."_

_Jake swung Nessie to the ground and she ran off to play in the driftwood._

"_You're my family, Bells. You and Ness. You don't question family. It just is."_

_His kiss was comforting, his arms were protective and his words were sincere._

_Ness came running back to us as we held one another, her chubby little hands full of multi-colored rocks. "Mama! Rocks, mama! Rocks! Rock family. See?"_

xXxXx

"What about _Ewoord_'s rock, mama?" Nessie asked, bringing me back to the present. I blinked back the tears. I may have broken up with Jake, but I missed him terribly, and sometimes it was still so hard to imagine that he was actually dead. "Should I writed Ewoord's rock in a picture?" Nessie asked, handing me her memory book.

I glanced down at the page. Nessie had actually drawn four people: Jake was still brown with black hair and he was so tall that his head was level with the sun. Nessie was standing next to him with tiny circles for hair, dressed in every color of the rainbow. Then there was me with my brown hair, boobs the size of watermelons and eyes that took up my entire face. We were standing knee-deep in the sea and we each had a little rock floating over our head.

But there was someone on the other side of cartoon me, holding my hand - someone almost as tall as Jake, with, thanks to the Crayola jumbo pack, jungle green eyes and burnt sienna hair.

"Edward?" I asked.

"I getted him a rock," Ness reminded me. She ran across the room and pulled the flat purple stone from underneath her pillow. "See, mama. I could give it a him in a picture."

"But, baby… um, Edward wasn't there that day."

"But mama!" Ness said with a dramatic sigh and a roll of her eyes, "I _wanted_ him a be there! I wanted him a be there _a lot_."

Edward had said the same thing to me after we ran together for the first time on Cape May. We'd sat all tired and limp on the sand as we exchanged shy looks and told each other about our pasts.

_"I'd like to see you back there, though. To see you in person on a beach like that."_

I sighed. I wondered what that would be like now, with my dad and Lynn… and Billy.

"Maybe I could make a Ewoord mammary book too, mama? Like a one for Jake?"

My mind flashed back to the porn Edward and I watched together and I had to stifle a laugh. I had a pretty good idea what Edward's mammary book would look like. "A memory book?" I clarified.

Ness nodded her head emphatically.

"What would you put in it?"

"A time Ewoord getted me at school and he taked me to a agin' grocer and we maked dinner a-gether."

"And you pasted seaweed on the counter," I added, remembering how flustered Edward had been.

"He not liked that," Ness giggled with her hand over her mouth and a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Edward likes things neat." I figured it was best to start prepping her ahead of time.

"But I maked him feel better when I maked a mess," Ness said, plopping herself down in my lap. "So, it okay, mama." Ness patted my hand in an attempt to ease my mind.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I just gived him a big hug, an' tolded him it was gonna be okay. And I wanna write about cherry ice and a person spilling syrup in a bed. And I wanna draw my pink music. And there was a other time when we played with the cows... An', an', an' the daddy cow…" Nessie's voice trailed off instead of finishing the sentence. She leaned her head against my chest.

Edward had said something about that cow just the other day, the cow that Nessie threw across her room.

_"I know that bull. He's a good guy, but he always comes up short."_

"Ness, what happened with the cows, baby?" I asked, brushing her hair from her face.

"I don't know. Ewoord was a daddy cow." Ness threw the crayon she was still holding across the room, buried her head against my chest and curled into a little ball on my lap.

"Ness, baby," I tried. I rubbed her arm, but she shrugged me off. "Nessie?"

"It's a secret, mama. A bad secret."

"Baby, I'm your mama. If anything or anyone hurts you, you can always tell me. You _should_ tell me."

Nessie was quiet for a long time. She picked at some lint on my sweater and nuzzled her head against me.

"Ewoord promised me a try, mama," Nessie mumbled against my chest in a voice so tiny that I had to strain to hear. "And then he go-ed away." Her little body shook with quiet sobs, and she wiped the tears from her eyes.

I hugged and shushed and rocked and held her as close as I could. Minutes passed, my leg began to ache, and I suppressed the urge to call Edward immediately and demand to know what he'd done to my child.

Finally, Ness pulled away, blinking her big brown eyes, so serious and sad.

"What did he promise, baby?"

"Will Ewoord get mad if I tell you?" she asked, biting her bottom lip.

"I don't think Edward could ever get mad at you."

The corners of Nessie's mouth turned up in an almost-smile and her little hands rubbed at her red and puffy eyes. She glanced around her messy bedroom like she was checking to make sure no one else was listening. Very slowly, she brought her little lips to my ear. And in a whisper that I'm sure Jess could hear next door, she told me, finally, after weeks of keeping it locked inside. "He promised a try a make us a family, mama. Since he can't be my daddy."

After that I was the one crying, and I pulled Nessie into a hug, holding her maybe too tight, but she didn't seem to mind. "Don't cry, mama," Nessie cooed. "Don't be sad again, pa-lease? Not again. You getting' better, mama. A-member?"

"Oh, baby, I love you so much."

"I lo' you, too."

"We'll all try, okay, sweetie? Not just Edward."

"Can I try too?" she asked hopefully.

"You never stopped, baby. You're just like Edward."

xXxXx

"That's what you're wearing?" Alice asked when I walked into Nessie's room Friday evening after work. The two of them had been working on Alice's children's line again, and there were swatches of fabric covering every surface. Ness looked like a little alien dressed in one of their creations - some kind of bright orange cross between a dress and a jumpsuit, and yet Alice was questioning a black wrap dress? Sometimes I just didn't get high fashion.

"What's wrong with it?" I asked, spinning around for her.

"The dress is nice, but flats? Really?"

"I didn't think dinner at your parent's house required heels."

"I was just thinking that maybe heels would make you a little, I don't know… taller, or sexier, or something."

I plopped down onto Nessie's bed and hugged her bull to my chest. Nessie noticed and gave me a surreptitious thumbs up. Ever since I told Nessie that she could help try to make us into a family two days ago, she'd been leaving little hints.

"Ewoord would know how a fix it," she offered Wednesday night as I struggled to make the DVD player, the cable box and the TV all synch up to a new remote control.

"Ewoord's tall a-nuff to get those" Ness opined yesterday as I struggled to take down all of the lights he'd strung over our back patio for my birthday. (The realtor had advised me that a single strand was more tasteful.)

"Ewoord played with that bull," Nessie reminded me now, as Alice continued to eye my shoes askance.

"Alice, I'm not going tonight to pick up a guy. And it's not like I'm going on a date or anything."

No, I wasn't going on a date. Alice had convinced her parents that a big family dinner would be just the thing to welcome Carlisle home from the hospital.

"_Don't even try to dissuade her," Edward had advised me over the phone late Wednesday night right after he'd found out. "She doesn't budge on shit like this."_

"_But Friday?" I'd asked. "Our Friday?"_

"_I hardly think it's a national holiday yet, Bella. Alice didn't know, and Esme already has Carmen working on a heart-healthy menu. Waiting one more night won't kill us."_

"Speaking of dates," Alice asked, "When should I come over tomorrow night?" As soon as I'd had a chance to catch up with Alice, I told her about our upcoming date. She felt so bad about planning the family dinner for Friday night that she offered to babysit Ness on Saturday.

"Is eight okay?" I asked.

"Sounds perfect," Alice said with a sigh. "It's not like I have pressing personal plans, or anything." She'd confessed to me that she and J had talked a few times since he'd left Philly, but neither one of them seemed to know what to say. "Hey, Ness," Alice asked, forcing a smile, "did you know we're gonna have a sleep-over on Saturday night?"

"A sleep over?" Nessie asked, looking between Alice and me. "A sleep over! Really? A sleep over, mama! Yay!" Nessie jumped up and down and her orange thingy swirled around her.

"Whoa, whoa…" I cut in. "A sleep over, Alice?"

She shrugged. "You know, umm, I mean, I just thought you two should umm, if you wanted…"

Oh my god, really? That hadn't been what I'd been thinking at all.

"Why would you think that, Alice?"

"What do you mean?" she asked innocently.

"Why Alice can't sleep here, mama?" Ness asked. "Why?"

I narrowed my eyes at Alice and shook my head. "Alice can stay."

"Yay!"

xXxXx

When the three of us arrived at the Cullen's house, the driveway was already crowded with cars, so I had to pull up along side the curb.

"Are we late, mama?" Ness asked.

"No, honey," I answered, trying to remain calm. Edward's car was there. Of course, I knew he'd be there, but this was the first time Ness would be seeing him. This was a commitment that I couldn't take back. This meant forever to Edward, and I know that Nessie felt the same.

"Are you getting out of the car, Bella?" Alice laughed.

"You really think I should have worn heels?" I asked as I nervously picked my way up the long flagstone path. Now that we were getting closer to the house I couldn't help but remember all of the tension in the air when the Cullens were gathered around Carlisle's hospital bed. According to Alice, Esme had made both her and her brother swear that they would be on their best behavior tonight. I figured that all I'd have to do was steer clear of Rosalie.

Nessie held my hand, oblivious to my jumpy nerves, and skipped up the path.

"An' no jumpin' on Car-isle, right?" she asked.

"No, baby. You have to be very, very gentle with Carlisle."

"Cause he gett-ed sick?"

"Exactly, and now he's getting better."

"He's not gonna die?" she asked as we mounted the steps towards the front door.

"Not just yet, Ness." It was the best answer I could think of on the spot, and I could see from the contemplative look on Nessie's face that I'd have to come up with something better in the future. I added it to my list of things to ask her therapist. It was a long, ever-growing list.

Alice placed her hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath. Nessie and I waited, yet Alice stood there like a statue instead of opening the door.

"This was your idea, Alice," I chided.

"I know. It's an opportunity to put everything in the past, you know? Emmett's my brother, and well, this Rose thing seems like a done deal. Right now, I'm kind of forced to be civil. And, well, Rose is dad's doctor, so I know she's not going to start shit. But there's something else, too. All the sudden I'm nervous, Bella."

I playfully pushed Alice's hand out of the way. "Well, if it's opening the door that you're scared of -"

But I didn't get the chance to turn the doorknob, either. The door swung open and Esme was standing in the foyer with a grateful smile on her face. Alice lunged into her mom's embrace, but Esme's eyes never left Nessie's face. "So good to have you here," she whispered to my daughter.

"Thanks mom," Alice replied and Esme rolled her eyes.

I gave Esme a quick hug, but stepped quickly out of the way so that she could sweep Nessie up into her arms.

"I missed you so much, Vanessa. You're getting so big that I almost didn't recognize you."

"I'm getting big up to the sky," Nessie concurred.

"Thanks for coming to dinner," Esme said, playfully ruffling Nessie's curls.

"A last time I come'd here with Jake, but he died, so he's not comin'."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Vanessa. So very sorry."

"But mama's not died yet, so it's okay," Nessie assured Esme with a grave little nod of her head.

Esme's eyes teared and she hugged my daughter tight. "You're such a brave little girl."

"No I not," Nessie said very seriously. "I big and brave!"

We all laughed as we walked into the house. Emmett was waiting to greet each of us with his signature bear hug, and Rosalie hung in the background, smiling shyly at Alice and me as Nessie ran and jumped into her arms.

"Rosie, I miss-ded you!" she cheered.

"I missed you too, Vanessa." And by the look on Rosalie's face, I could tell that she was being sincere. I found myself smiling at Rose without even realizing it.

"Where's dad?" Alice asked her mom.

"He's on the chaise out back on the patio, dear. Getting up and down is still difficult for him. Why don't we all get back there to greet him? I think you might be -"

We all turned to walk towards the back of the house, but stopped en masse when we saw the tall blonde man covered in tatts standing at the end of the hallway.

"Mama, I knowed him," Ness whispered in a voice that probably carried to the third floor.

"J?" Alice asked in disbelief.

"Hey darlin'," J drawled. "Someone told me you might like a visit."

"J!" Alice exclaimed running down the hall and jumping into his arms. J gripped her small little frame holding her as close as possible as he whispered urgently in her ear.

"Do they have a big bed?" Nessie whispered again, and Emmett stooped down to give her a fist bump.

"Good one, kid," he chuckled.

And while I was surprised to see J, and happy for Alice, I was more aware than ever that someone was missing from this picture. I craned my neck to see past the extremely distracted couple, but given their, umm, _happiness_ about seeing one another, it was kind of awkward to look in their direction at all.

"Who are you looking for, mama?" Nessie asked, coming back to my side and taking my hand. "Should we go an' find Car-isle?"

I heard footsteps echoing on the kitchen tile, coming closer, walking faster. I couldn't contain my smile as Edward edged past Alice and J and made his way into the hall. Edward stopped when he spotted me and the back of Nessie's head and bit his bottom lip, of course, a small smile brimming on his lips.

"No, baby, there's someone else I wanted you to see first."

"Who mama?" Nessie asked, and I nodded in Edward's direction and twirled her around. It seemed like everyone present was holding their breath. Well, all of us except for the couple making out at the end of the hall.

"Ewoord?" Nessie asked in near disbelief.

"Little Bell," Edward choked, crouching down on the balls of his feet. "You've gotten so fu-, I mean, so really big."

"I'm growing all a time," she said very matter-of-factly.

"I missed you, Little Bell."

With that, Nessie took off running full speed down the long hallway and jumped into Edward's outstretched arms, hugging him with her arms and her legs, and very obviously her heart.

"I miss-ded you so much, Ewoord. I so sorry. I not hated you a lot. I promise I lo' you."

"I know that, baby," Edward cooed as he clutched her little body to his. "I know. I love you too."

Emmett and Rosalie slipped away, and I couldn't be sure, but I think Alice and J had already found an upstairs room to, um, talk things out. Esme wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me close, sniffling.

"Mama?" Nessie asked, looking frantically around.

"Excuse me, Esme," I said, slipping out of the older woman's embrace. I couldn't keep myself from hurrying down the hall.

"Mama, look! It's Ewoord!" Nessie cheered, reaching out for me with her free hand as I approached. I wrapped one arm around Nessie and one around Edward.

"Hey, B," Edward rasped, blinking away the tears in his eyes.

"Hi," I replied, realizing that Alice had been right. Heels would have been a huge help as I attempted to hold onto my daughter and my boyfriend and craned my neck for a kiss. But Edward held onto me, and he brushed my nose with his as he whispered, "Thank you."

Even with Nessie present, it was hard to break away from our eventual kiss, as chaste as it was. When I pulled back Nessie was watching the two of us intently.

"You did keeped your promise, Ewoord," Nessie nearly whispered in rapt amazement.

"I'm still trying, Little Bell," Edward assured her as he tightened his hold on me. "I never fucking stopped."

"I knowed it," she agreed, and laid her head on his arm.

* * *

**A/N: Sigh. First, I have some questions to answer:**

**1) Is this the end? Nope. Too many threads left hanging.**

**2) How many more chapters are left? I think 2 chapters and 1-2 epi's, but don't hold me to it.**

**3) Will there be a date? Yes.**

**4) Will there be any more real lemons? I fucking hope so.**

**Now, with that out of the way… I want to say thanks for the reviews and alerts and PM's this past week. Special thanks to FL95 for her extra-special TPoL support this week. Double thanks to Jordan929 for pimpin' out TPoL on his blog: http:/twiguysblog . blogspot . com/?zx=a68ca0cb34e6727f. Super-special thanks to Lindz and Lila for staying up late Sundays to keep this shit grammatically correct.**

**Finally, the noms keep rolling in for the Walk of Fame Awards. Thanks guys!**

**Until next week, xxx, M**


	35. Chapter 32

**EPOV**

I felt like someone had just torn a hole through my chest, so it took me a moment to catch my breath. There was a time when this feeing would have had me on the phone to Carlisle's office in a fucking heartbeat, but now Carlisle was recovering from heart surgery, and it was actually his newest hire that was causing the pain. Well, his new hire and her daughter, to be exact. Standing there in my parents' foyer with my arms around Bella and Ness, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this wasn't some wayward disease or metastatic cancer attacking my heart, but love larger and more certain than I'd ever felt before.

Little Bell hugged her arms around my neck. Just a month ago they were chubby, like little sausages, but they'd grown longer and thinner since I'd seen her last, not to mention that her cheeks were flatter, her hair longer, her eyes more introspective. She'd changed so much since I'd held her in my arms and I couldn't help but regret that I'd never get that time back. I kissed the top of her head and silently swore never to let her out of my sight for that long again.

"Carlisle sent me to come get you two," I explained to Bella and Little Bell after I found my voice.

"That man," Esme admonished. "Not a word to him about the office, Bella, please?"

"I, uh…" Bella stammered, and I realized she was just as overwhelmed as I was.

"I think he was more interested in this little one here," I assured Esme as I tickled Little Bell's ribs. She giggled and squirmed in my arms and she clutched my neck that much tighter. "He hasn't seen you in forever, Little Bell."

Little Bell's face became instantly serious. "Not forever, Ewoord. He see'ed me when mama was sad and maked a big mess upstairs when Jake died."

I blinked, unsure what to say. The shock of that particular memory was plain in Little Bell's big brown eyes. She didn't lock it away; she carried it in her consciousness so matter-of-factly that it inspired awe and made me ache to protect her, all at once. I was at a loss as to what to say, and I could see why Bella had started her in therapy. Although, in truth, hers was probably a healthier reaction than most adults could muster.

"Carlisle was so helpful when I was sad, wasn't he?" Bella asked Ness in a soft mommy voice. "And Edward was too, right?" she continued, smiling up at me.

"Ewoord hold-ed me, helped me brush my teeth, and he sleeped with me," Ness agreed.

"He did?" Bella asked, her eyes suddenly bright with tears. "I didn't know." Little Bell nodded her head in response.

"We're lucky to have them, huh?" Bella asked, her lips so close to my face that they were suddenly all I could see. Her kiss was sweet as she pressed her lips against mine, but the hand she slid over my ass said something a little different.

"How often I am going to have to thank you?" she asked me, her lips whispering against my jaw, her fingers pinching.

"Why don't you wait on the rest of them until our date?" I suggested as my hand drifted towards her ass too.

"A date?" Nessie giggled, shaking me from my Bella-induced trance. "What's a date?"

I closed my eyes and took a step away from Bella. I'd been so fucking turned on by her presence, I'd practically forgotten the little girl I was holding on my hip.

"Why don't we take you to see Carlisle, Vanessa?" Esme offered. If I'd nearly forgotten about Ness, I hadn't even remembered that Esme was in the same city, let alone the same hallway.

"Christ," I mumbled, and Bella's cheeks turned a pretty shade of rose.

Ness wriggled to let me know she needed to be put down. She grabbed Esme's hand and began chattering to her about rocks and coloring books and mammary glands, I think. My aunt swept quickly past us, keeping her eyes carefully trained on Little Bell, and trying to suppress a knowing smile.

Suddenly alone, Bella and I regarded one another from opposite sides of the hall. I had a brief flash of the summer afternoon when she'd bumped into Tanya and I in the same spot… she'd been so tan and pretty in that wispy white dress, blushing, just like she was now. Aside from her pink cheeks, though, every fucking thing in the world had changed.

"Um," Bella stammered, flattening her palms against the wall on either side of her.

"I know," I laughed.

She smiled at looked at her shoes and her hair fell in front of her eyes. It was my fucking cue.

"Thanks for coming, tonight, B," I murmured. Two steps closed the distance and my fingers brushed the veil from her face and tipped her chin upwards.

"I'm still afraid," she admitted, and I noticed that her eyes looked brittle, like they might shatter. "But I didn't want to keep you apart anymore. You… you know, I didn't know you wanted that… Ness, I mean. I didn't know. I wanted it, but it didn't make sense, and Ness -"

"Shh," I murmured, as I brushed my hand down her neck, down her arm. "Don't, Bella. It's okay. I just… I missed you."

She smiled at that and blinked, and her eyes turned warm and the fear was gone for the moment. "Me too."

Her hand strayed to my ass again.

"I missed _that_," I amended, as my hand raced down her back to catch up.

"I missed it more," she challenged brushing her lips against my neck.

"Im-fucking-possible," I chuckled, delighted. She hadn't talked to me like that in forever… not since sometime before hell had decided to rain down on the two of us. And suddenly we were kissing, groping, exploring like two kids. The feel of her bare legs, her ass, her skin was like a revelation. I palmed her breast through her dress and… wait, was _that_ her breast? Really?

Bella's body tensed like she could read my mind.

"Baby?" I breathed, removing my hand, gasping, feeling foolish and hoping that Bella hadn't suddenly remembered her edict about taking things slow.

"Um…" she hedged, righting her dress. Shit, was the waiting version of Bella back? Because while I'd managed to move my hand, my eyes were still firmly fixed on her chest, and the desire to finger her erect nipples was pretty fucking irresistible. "They're sore," she explained.

"And enormous," I blurted out.

"For me, anyway. But you haven't really seen anything yet."

"You've got that fucking right," I mumbled. It would be so easy to pull that stretchy fabric out of the way. I gripped Bella's waist securely, just to keep my hands in place.

"That's not exactly what I meant," she said, ducking her head, helping me to remember that those tits came with a face. "Jesus, you really would like a mammary book, wouldn't you?" she laughed.

"What?" I asked, somehow missing her jump from boobs to books. "Are you trying to tell me they're going to get bigger?"

Bella nodded her head, laughing, and her body shook a little, and her tits hinted at what they could do when she was really being… "Fuck me," I muttered.

"Not here," she laughed. But I kissed her anyway, because, then, at least I could press myself against her, I could let her feel how ready I was to fuck her. I let my cock chip away at her ideas about taking things 'slow'.

And it seemed to fucking work as she sighed, as those little sounds lost themselves in the back of her mouth, as she pressed her hips forward angling for friction.

"So, tomorrow night," I mumbled as I kissed behind her ear.

"When you… date… the hell… out… of me?" she gasped and giggled as she nipped along my neck.

"Anything else you want me to do?"

"Do you have plans?" she asked as her fingers slipped from my chest to my abs to the buckle of my belt. I took another chance with her breast, skimming a nipple with my thumb. Air whistled past Bella's teeth and she arched her back and pressed her tits into my waiting palms.

"Christ," I murmured.

"Bella," she answered, and we both laughed at her goofy joke, before I slipped my hands back around to her ass and kissed her again and… stopped holding back. I needed this: to be with her, close to her, inside of her. The need to have her had fought its way back to the fucking surface, and fuck if I didn't want to pull her upstairs to my old room and pop her breasts out of that little black dress and pull down her panties…

And my cousin was suddenly somewhere behind me laughing. "And Bella didn't want a sleep over."

"Fucking Christ, Alice," I sighed, panting, my forehead pressed against Bella's. Her eyes mirrored my need, and I pressed myself against her, her hips flush with mine.

"Get a room, Big Brother."

"Speak for your fucking self," I mumbled, bringing to mind recent memories of skirting around Alice as she had her tongue rammed down J's throat. The moment was officially dashed to hell.

"We're doing the rock thing early, before dinner, while it's still light and, probably more because dad's still feeling up to it. Mom sent me to get you guys."

"Fuck," I mumbled again. Bella stroked my jaw – as if that would calm me down. I guess I hadn't mentioned to her yet that somewhere along the line those nerves had become hardwired to my cock.

"I'll give you guys a few," Alice giggled, and I closed my eyes and waited until I heard her footsteps fade.

"So," Bella laughed. "We should probably go."

"The Cullens and their goddamned rocks," I grumbled. "They should rebuild that wall and be done with it."

Bella tugged my belt loop. "No, I want to be there for this tonight. Ness and I have something for you." I gave in and I let her tug me towards the back door, probably because it was the closest her hand had been to my cock in a while. I hooked a finger through the tie around Bella's waist. She leaned against my hand and I think she took a quick sidelong glance at my crotch. Another look like that and we were skipping the rock ceremony.

But Little Bell came running in from the back yard shouting my name, and, well, I guess getting her mom naked could wait. For now.

"Do you have it, mama?" the little girl asked breathlessly. "Can I give it to him? Pa-lease?"

"Of course, baby. You're the one that found it," Bella replied as she began to rifle through the purse hanging on her shoulder.

"Don't let him see it!" Nessie shouted, jumping between me and the purse like her life depended on it. Bella plopped something into Nessie's palm and Nessie quickly hid her hands behind her back.

"Close your eyes, Ewoord, and put out your hands," she commanded very seriously.

Bella smiled and shook her head a little, and I did what I was told. Something small and smooth dropped into my waiting palm, and I immediately knew what it was.

"I see'ed it at Jake's beach," Ness explained. "It's a da-, a _Ewoord_ rock, I mean. An' now you can open your eyes an' look."

The stone was deep purple, shiny, smooth, and flat.

"I know-ed it was your rock when I see-ed it."

I was at a loss for words; or, at least, any words that came out of my mouth would have been unintelligible, involving copious amounts of swearing. I needed to learn to watch that shit in front of the kids.

"You like it?" Little Bell asked.

"Thank you, Little Bell. I love it."

She threw her arms around my waist, and I held her close, blown away that with everything she'd gone through, three thousand miles away at Jake's funeral, she'd remembered me.

"What's that in your pocket, Ewoord?" Ness asked rubbing her little hand, well, in the vicinity. Bella cleared her throat, her eyes going wide.

"No, Jesus, Bella, it's just a rock in my pocket," I laughed, more than a little fucking uncomfortable. I pulled out the round green stone Bella had given me earlier in the week, the one for the peanut.

"You have two," Ness said, a puzzled expression on her face.

Bella leaned against the wall, shaking, gasping for air. "And I thought… you… were just happy to see me," she laughed.

"Why is a rock funny?" Ness asked.

"It's not, Little Bell. Your mom just thinks she's a fucking comedian."

"I hoped you'd bring it," Bella said, trying to regain her composure, glancing more than once at my, um, pockets. "Now there's one for each of us." She produced two more stones from her purse, and Ness showed me which one was hers and which was her mom's.

"But who is Ewoord's nother one for?" Ness asked, as I let her roll the green stone around in her palm.

"It's a baby rock, Ness," Bella said.

"Yeah, cause it's little," Ness agreed, accepting Bella's explanation with a shrug.

I raised my eyebrows at Bella. Were we really going to do this shit now? But Bella subtly shook her head, instead, letting Ness play with the baby rock for a bit.

"Not yet," she whispered as we walked hand in hand out the back door. "Let's wait a few weeks, just in case. She's dealt with enough loss for a lifetime."

"Shit, B, I don't even want to think -"

"No matter what, we'd help each other through it," she assured me.

I glanced down at Little Bell doting over the baby stone, and I fucking prayed we didn't have to cross that bridge. I understood all too well what Bella was trying to explain earlier when she said that she was scared. This shit was for real. When Bella came here with Ness today, we'd jumped in with both feet, and the three and a half of us were together now, and it was as terrifying as it was awesome.

xXxXx

He was too thin, his skin too gray, and he chose to stay in the chaise instead of stand, but you couldn't miss how happy Carlisle was to have us with him that evening. Esme sat gingerly on the edge of his seat, clutching his hand, moved to tears.

"I can always trust that Alice will turn anything into a party," Carlisle joked, as his eyes roamed over the people gathered around him. J had his arm draped over Alice's shoulders as they leaned against the brick barbecue. Rosalie sat in Emmett's lap, and Ness was sitting cross-legged on the ground in front of Carlisle and Esme. Bella and I were leaning against the picnic table. With her hand on the tabletop behind me, Bella thought she was being sneaky letting her fingers wander over my ass every so often, but Emmett had practically patented that shit. I just shook my head when he winked in my direction.

"But I'm so grateful she did this tonight," Carlisle continued. "Because when I opened my eyes in the hospital, my family was the first thing I saw. You don't know how much your support meant, how good it felt to be surrounded by the people I love, and to see each of you happy, supported by those that mean so much to you. At this point in my life, it's all I could ask for, and I'm truly blessed.

"So, go hold up the Cullen wall for me, because I don't think I can make it back there myself tonight."

Bella and I each held one of Nessie's hands as we carefully picked our way over roots and rocks towards the back of the property. When Nessie spotted the stone wall, she let go of our hands and took off running.

"Careful, baby!" Bella called out.

"We wouldn't want her to trip like her mom did last time," I chuckled, taking Bella's free hand in mine.

"The way you looked at me when you said procreation that day -" she giggled, glancing between me and the uneven ground beneath our feet.

"You're saying _I _made you trip?" I laughed. "I don't think so."

"Say it again, see what happens."

I placed my hands on Bella's hips, and tried to stop laughing. It was fucking difficult because standing there with Bella, holding her and watching her laugh was nicer than I could ever have imagined. But I managed to take it down a notch because she was giving me an in, and I was determined to make this shit happen. _Waiting _was for food service workers, and I didn't fucking fit the bill.

"We kind of nailed the procreation thing, B, but I still kind of think I could benefit from practice. You know, now that I've found the right person to practice with. For the sake of joy, maybe?"

Bella's smile grew as I slipped the folded prescription out of my back pocket and placed it in the palm of her hand. At this point, its edges were worn thin, dingy and tattered. I was seriously going to need to laminate that piece of paper.

"Practicing was kind of your idea, you know," I reminded her. And as fucking smooth as I was trying to be, I lost it and laughed. This time Bella didn't fall over a fucking root, which would have been weird because we were standing still, but her body did fall against mine. And despite the fact that we were both laughing, this time she was the one that didn't hold back when she kissed me. I knew from the press of her fingers, from the weight of her lips, from the heat in her eyes when I pulled away.

"That's what I was hoping you'd say," I murmured, my forehead pressed against hers.

Bella's eyes surveyed the stone wall Nessie was walking along. "You held my hand that day."

"I couldn't let you fall."

"Look, mama!" Nessie shouted from across the yard. Bella and I both jumped and our heads snapped in the little girl's direction. "There's already a Jake's beach rock! How did Car-isle get a Jake rock in a wall?" Nessie rubbed her fingers over the small purple stone Bella and I had wedged into the wall at the anniversary barbecue.

"That was our family rock," Bella murmured.

"Come on, mama an' Ewoord! Let's put our rocks in there too!"

The three of us walked along the wall looking for gaps, until each one of our rocks found a snug home. When we were finished, we stepped back to survey our handiwork. This wall probably stretched for over a mile, marking some colonial boundary line, and as far as you could see in either direction it was made of big, rough cut gray-blue stones – that is, until you came to the little portion of wall in front of us. Along this section there were small points of colorful light. The wall had changed forever, and it was my family that made it happen.

"It's a pretty wall," Ness observed as I crouched down so that we were eye level.

"You made it pretty. You and your mama," I said, kissing the little girl on her cheek.

"You helped too," Ness offered judiciously. "You an' your baby rock."

Two sets of footsteps approached crunching through dead leaves, and I looked up to see Emmett practically dragging Rosalie in our direction. My first impulse was to protect Ness from Rosalie's potential hostility, and I wrapped my arm around my girl and held her close. Bella came and stood behind us, a hand on either of our shoulders.

But as Emmett came closer my guard crumbled. He was nervous, and his eyes silently pled with me to give him a chance. I tried to remember that before Rose, Emmett was never the kind of guy to start a family argument. After that argument I knew that my behavior over the years had done its damage to our relationship, but that had never gotten in the way of Emmett relentlessly trying to include me in family vacations and dinners, and inviting me out whenever he was in town.

Tonight he looked tired, like you could see how much this fucked up situation with Rosalie was weighing on him, and I found myself wanting to do what I could to help him out. I can't say I liked Rosalie, but after dating half of Philadelphia, and god knows how many women on the road, Emmett picked her to settle down with. It had to mean something. I figured that at the very least, it meant that he loved her. A lot.

"Uh, hey guys," Emmett said as Rosalie kicked at the leaves at her feet.

"You two finish your rock thing?" I asked rising to my feet and pulling Bella and Little Bell into my arms.

Emmett grinned, probably relieved that I didn't show any signs of picking a fight. He pulled Rosalie in closer too, not that she looked too happy about it at the moment.

"Rocks. Yeah, I guess. Ours didn't end up looking as pretty as all this, though," Emmett said nodding at our section of wall. "But you were always more of a pretty boy than me."

Bella giggled.

"What?"

"Ewoord, mama thinks your eyes are pretty," Ness whispered loud enough for everyone to hear.

Emmett's laughter joined Bella's, and Bella tried to slip out of my grasp, but I held her hand tighter.

"I think she's got pretty eyes too," I whispered back to Ness.

"Mama, I know a secret!" Ness teased in her best singsong voice. Bella leaned her head against my arm, laughing and embarrassed. I'd seen her laugh more tonight than she had in weeks, and I couldn't help but think that it was a sign that this was right.

"Dude, man, look at you," Emmett chuckled. "Who would've thought?"

"Yeah, whatever, Em. You're engaged. That's… unexpected."

"Unexpected," he said, shaking his head. "Like who expected that note that Pretty Doc gave you would actually fucking work?"

"Not me," Rosalie offered dryly, the hint of a smile on her lips. I decided she was being sarcastic. It was a bold fucking move, but I could appreciate it.

"Me either," I confessed.

"I hoped," Bella said. "But I didn't figure I'd ever see you again. At least not for another six months."

"So, um, Edward," Emmett began, before he paused to silently check in with Rose about something. She gave him a small nod. "I was thinking that maybe I could show Nessie that tree I pushed you out of when we were kids."

"Why you push Ewoord?" Ness demanded. She slid out of my arms and stood in front of me with her little hands on her hips.

Emmett chuckled. "Dude, kid, you don't know what he was like before you came around."

"He say-ed a lot of bad words? More 'an he does now?" Nessie guessed.

"Bad words? _Ewoord_? What the heck gave you that idea?" Emmett laughed. "You want to see the tree? I could help you climb it."

Ness looked to Bella for approval before she took Emmett's big hand in hers and let him lead her away. He immediately started talking some crap about me cheating at hide-and-seek. I'd have to set Ness straight later. I didn't cheat; I was just good at that shit.

"So, um, Bell," Rose started.

"I don't want to fight tonight, Rose," Bella warned.

"Neither do I."

"Maybe I should go," I offered, looking back and forth between the two women. Climbing a tree seemed like a pretty sweet option at the moment.

"Anything that Rose has to say to me, she can say in front of you," Bella practically snarled, standing tall, staring Rosalie in the eye. Rosalie may have been a head taller, but after the shit Bella had been through, and judging by the way her hands were curled into fists, my money was on her if it came to blows.

"I wanted to talk to both of you," Rosalie clarified as she bit her lip and looked to me for help. I didn't blame her insecurity; Bella's whole body was tensed and tight, like a coiled spring ready to jump.

"Then go ahead, Rosalie," I offered. I rubbed Bella's arm, but she pulled it away instead of letting me try to soothe her.

"You know me, Bell," Rosalie began. "I'm opinionated, and loud, and I don't pull any punches, and I'm usually right.

"I beg to differ about being right," Bella spat.

"God, Bell, please I'm trying to apologize here."

"It sounds like you're making excuses, if you ask me."

"Come on, Bell, please. I can't believe that I wasn't there for you when you needed me. When I tried to get in touch with you, it was too late. I was so stuck on being right that I let it come between us. I didn't have any right to judge your relationship. I get that now.

Bella huffed, wrapping her arm around my waist.

"Edward, we got off on the wrong foot," Rose continued. "When you walked in on Emmett and me I was embarrassed, and after the stuff I heard Katie saying about you… I didn't think, this, you guys, I mean… I just thought it was about fooling around, and I didn't want Bella to get hurt, or lose her job over something so stupid."

"This is not stupid, Rosalie," Bella interrupted, pointing between the two of us. "I don't have to keep defending my relationship to you. I won't."

"You never had to. And anyway, I was really wrong. When Em told me what you did, Edward, well, I can't make what I did disappear, but I wish I could. Em feels like a shit for some of the things he said the other night, and it's pretty much all my fault. I don't want to come into a family making problems from the start."

There was a lot I could have explained to Rosalie; that she wouldn't have been wrong about me being an asshole up until about two months ago, that she never had to worry, because Bella and her daughter came first in my life, even before I understood what the fuck they were to me. Long girly speeches weren't my thing, though. I wrapped my arms around Bella, she rested her head against my chest.

"You really sucked at being a friend at the lowest point in my life," Bella stated flatly. I kissed the top of her head.

"I know, Bell."

"I can't just forget that."

"I don't expect you to. I'm so sorry about Jake, Bell. Really, really sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Bella agreed in a softer voice, her body losing the rest of its fight, leaning on me for support.

Rosalie looked like she wanted something more, but Bella had fallen silent and settled on staring at a point somewhere off in the distance. Alice's high-pitched screech cut through the uneasiness around us, as she and J raced past. Emmett's deep baritone could be heard in the distance. The words "stolen dirt bikes" stood out from the rest.

"Little Bell's never going to fucking look at me the same again, is she?" I asked no one in particular.

"A kid like that's just going to give Emmett ideas," Rose said as she turned to watch Emmett and Ness in the distance. Ness was running along a low branch, Emmett was pretending that he couldn't reach her.

"Emmett? Kids?" I laughed. "Shit, now that he's engaged, I guess anything's possible."

"Should we go save your reputation?" Bella asked looking up at me.

All it took was a second. Her eyes told me everything. Rosalie may have been the one that was engaged, but bringing Nessie here tonight meant as much as an engagement to Bella. This was the first of many family dinners at this big, old house. Eventually the back wall would be dotted with many more stones from Jacob's beach. So, this fight would have to pass. It was much smaller than the life that stretched in front of us all.

xXxXx

"Nope, he never wanted to so much as look at it, Vanessa" Esme sighed, shaking her head.

"But it's so good, Ewoord!" Ness said, taking a big bite of roast chicken. She speared another piece with her fork and held it in front of my face.

"I'll take your word on that," Little Bell I said, messing her hair and trying to push her fork away without hurting her feelings. She rolled her eyes, but popped the forkful of meat into her mouth without a fuss, and I went gratefully back to my salad.

For as long as I could remember, Esme had always gone to great pains to accommodate my fucked up diet, just so I would eat. Tonight, with her emphasis on heart-healthy food, aside from the chicken, I was in vegetarian heaven. For the first time in recent memory, I piled my plate high. I'd gone back for second and third helpings of kale and topped it with brown rice and lentil pilaf.

"Ewoord's weird," Ness giggled.

"Lot's of people are vegetarians, Ness," Bella tried to explain.

Emmett gave me an accusatory look from across the table. "You're telling me they don't know about the chee -"

"Emmett, come on," I interrupted.

"Dude, he totally ate a cheese steak because Bella told him to," Emmett announced to the table, gladly ignoring my request.

"I never told him he _had_ to," Bella objected, chuckling in her own right.

"Whatever, Pretty Doc," Emmett joked with a roll of his eyes. "Alice, you should have seen the face Edward made when he bit into it. You'd think they served him fried shit."

"Poop!" Ness guffawed.

"Cheese steak! Edward's own personal version of 'What I did for Love,'" Alice laughed, and she launched into her rendition of the song.

"Thanks a lot, Alice," I grumbled. Apparently family dinner meant open season on Edward.

"I bet you guys don't even know about the Italian hoagie," Bella added with a chuckle.

"No shit," Emmett choked.

"Language, Emmett," Esme admonished, but her eyes were on me, wide, and pleased beyond fucking measure to hear that I'd finally eaten some animal protein. I think it may have been her life's mission, second only to having grandchildren.

"Dude, Edward, you're so whipped," Emmett laughed.

"You can all go to hell," I mumbled, keeping my eyes on my plate. I was being immature, but what I ate or didn't eat was my fucking business. Nessie plopped another forkful of chicken under my nose, and everybody at the table broke into another round of laughter at my expense.

"So, um, Bella," J piped up. It was so unusual for him to speak up in a large group that everyone turned their complete attention to him. "Alice says you're moving."

"You are?" Rose asked, practically rising to her feet.

"Umm," Bella hedged. Her laughter had evaporated and she looked like she wanted to crawl under the table. We hadn't spoken about moving since lunch in the park, and while I had some definite ideas on the subject, I hadn't shared them with Bella yet.

"Where to?" Esme asked, looking back and forth between Bella and I.

"Mama's gonna get me a yard a play in," Nessie informed Esme with a smile. My heart sank. Bella and Nessie had already talked about a new house with a yard. Where the fuck did I fit in?

"Oh," Esme said. "A yard."

"A yard is a good idea," Carlisle offered with a nod in my direction. I shook my head at him. I didn't need his encouragement, Bella did.

"Wait, a yard?" Emmett asked, his fork clattering against his plate. "Like the 'burbs? _Edward_ in the burbs?" he laughed. "Like commuting to work in a minivan and shit?"

"Emmett," Esme chastised. "No one said _they_ were, um, moving, um – Did they?" she asked hopefully.

"Nothing's definite yet," Bella replied almost apologetically.

"Dude, can you picture Edward stuck in traffic out on the Blue Route in his minivan? He'd be the angriest commuter on the road," Emmett chuckled, taking a big bite of chicken for good measure.

"There are law firms in the suburbs, Emmett," Carlisle countered. "He wouldn't have to commute." Everyone nodded their heads in agreement, and with just a few words from Carlisle it was like by group decree I'd be spending the rest of my life in some fourth-tier, strip mall firm out in the middle of nowhere.

Not to mention that Bella wouldn't even look at me.

"Well, he's gonna have to come into Philly one way or another for his foundation," J offered.

"Of course," Esme agreed. "Although driving into North Philly won't be easy coming from -"

"North Philly? J interrupted, perplexed. "I don't think so, Mrs. Cullen."

I tried to catch J's attention, to stop the conversation before it went any further. Bella and I hadn't spoken about this, either.

"No?" Bella asked. "Did the PLA move while I was gone?"

"Not exactly," I hedged.

"Oh my god! You haven't told her?" Alice asked in disbelief.

"Told me what?"

"From a man that convinced me to fly from Australia to have a conversation, you're kind of reticent when it comes to your own girl, aren't you?" J opined.

"It's not as simple as that," I countered.

"Edward?" Bella asked.

"J's making a donation to the PLA," Alice gushed, wrapping her arms around her boyfriend. "Isn't that the most generous thing you've ever heard?"

"That's not it at all, really," J demurred, blushing and eyeing Carlisle as he tried to keep Alice at arm's length. "I'd like to use Edward's song on my next album, so, kind of naturally, some of the proceeds would go to him, or to the PLA, if he wanted."

"Wait," Emmett cut in, "_Edward_'s song? Since when did Edward have a song?"

"It's not a song yet," J explained, glancing over at me. "What would you call it, Edward? A melody, maybe?"

"Ewoord has lots of songs and he putted them on my pink music," Ness offered.

"I caught him playing this particular piece over at Alice's house one night," J continued. "It's the kind of melody that just stops you and fills your heart. After a listen I kind of just had to have it, and Edward gave it to me. But you can't just take a man's work like that. Especially not when it's so goddamned pretty. Excuse my language, Mrs. Cullen, but it is… goddamned pretty."

I'm not sure if everyone was staring at J with wide open mouths because it was the most we'd ever heard him speak at one time, or because they were trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. I'd never played piano for anyone but my mother, except for that one time that Alice…

"I caught you!" Alice exclaimed, completing my thought in that uncanny way of hers. "Was it the song I caught you playing, Edward?"

"You play the piano?" Bella, Nessie, Emmett and Carlisle all asked at once.

"You still remember?" Esme asked.

"You knew, Esme?" She'd never breathed a word of it.

"Your mother told me a long time ago, but you were so young, and your fa-, I mean, no one else ever mentioned it again."

"Well, Edward plays piano, alright," J chuckled, "but it's by ear. He can't write music to save his life."

"It's that song, isn't it?" Bella asked quietly, reaching around Ness, touching my shoulder. "That was you?"

I nodded, embarrassed, overwhelmed and suddenly too exposed to explain that I'd never closed my eyes and daydreamed the way I had with my mom until Bella was in my life, and how those dreams and emotions translated to piano keys, how feelings came through notes, how she brought me back to myself.

I looked at my plate.

"What does this have to do with North Philly, though?" Carlisle asked.

"There's a possible opportunity," I began hesitantly, conscious that Bella's hand was still on my shoulder. "A judge suggested something recently." I may have been speaking to everyone at the table, but the words were for Bella, words I hadn't had a chance to say yet. "He saw a way that I could expand the PLA, focus its mission, and work to turn around the lives of kids on the street. But I didn't have the funding."

"There's this big old run-down place out in the West end," J cut in, eagerly picking up where I left off. "The city's ready to give him a sweet-ass deal. It's a hell of a lot bigger than a P.O. Box, more permanent than an old high school."

"I still don't know if I could pull it off, though. I mean, it would take time, B. A lot of fucking time. And money. When what I should really be going after is something dependable for you and the-"

But I stopped when Bella's fingers dug into my shoulder.

"I don't know if the timing's right," I finished, glancing up at her, hoping that she wasn't angry that I'd kept all this to myself.

"When did this all happen?" Bella asked, her eyes lit with something I couldn't quite place. "Edward?"

"There hasn't really been the time to talk."

"Either way, with this money, Edward, this is huge." Her eyes sparkled in the light from the chandelier. She was beautiful, beaming… proud. That's what it was. She was proud. And I wanted to kiss her. Her approval meant so much, more than whether or not I went ahead with Judge O'Conner's idea.

"Do you have a business plan?" Esme asked.

"I don't have a place to live, Esme," I replied, still caught up in the light reflected from Bella's eyes. "And up until Wednesday I wasn't sure if I had a girlfriend."

"I could have told you that much, dear. Now, you get yourself a business plan, and you come present this idea to me properly, and we'll see what we can do about matching funds. You and J certainly shouldn't be in this alone."

"Yay!" Alice cheered, taking the opportunity to give J a congratulatory kiss. "This is going to be awesome. I just know it."

Carlisle looked like he was going to put in his two cents, when the doorbell interrupted us.

"Alice, did you invite someone else?" Esme asked, rising to her feet.

Alice shook her head. "Do you want me to get it, mom?"

"No, no, excuse me, everyone. I'll be right back. Dinnertime. I can't imagine -" she muttered. "Common courtesy…"

"I'm done, mama," Ness announced a few minutes later. The kid had cleared her plate. I honestly didn't know how that much food fit into a tiny body. "I gonna go find Essme!" She jumped up from her seat and dashed towards the hall.

Bella pushed her chair away from the table, but I beat her to her feet. "Finish your food, baby. I'll go after her."

"Who that?" I heard Ness ask, as I wandered towards the front of the house.

"Vanessa, this is an old friend of mine, Sasha Denali. Sasha, meet Vanessa Swan."

"Vanessa?" Sasha asked. "Vanessa?"

"You say-ed my name funny," Ness commented.

I hurried to the entryway.

I found Esme standing with a potted plant and a card and a balloon. Sasha wore too much make-up and a fur jacket and a dumbstruck look on her face. She couldn't take her eyes off of Little Bell, who was standing at her feet in her ridiculous bright orange jumpsuit.

"Vanessa?" she asked again.

"Mama calls me Nessie. Or Ewoord calls me L'il Bell."

"Edward?" Sasha asked, her eyes scanning the hallway and settling on me. Apparently she'd been reduced to one-word utterances.

"Sasha. It's been a while," I said, walking over to the three of them, picking Little Bell up in my arms. Tanya's mother couldn't look away.

"Sasha came to give her regards to Carlisle," Esme explained curtly. "And a plant."

"That was kind," I offered.

"It was," Esme agreed.

"_This_ is Vanessa," Sasha said, taking a deep breath.

"Edward? Did you find her?" Bella called. A second later she was at my side, stopping short in front of Sasha.

"Little Bell was just saying hello to Sasha," I explained. Bella's hand settled on my arm, Sasha watched.

"Ewoord, can I see a pictures when you had funny hair again? When you were a l'il boy? Pa-lease?"

"Absolutely, Little Bell. What about you, B? Want to come hang out in my room?"

"Carlisle wanted to see me in his office."

"That man and his work," Esme huffed.

"We'll make it quick, Esme. I promise," Bella offered, and with a quick kiss to my cheek, she rushed off down the hall.

"Well, Sasha, I'll uh, leave you and Esme to it, then."

I'd never seen Sasha at a loss for words before, and it was somewhat satisfying.

"Bye, Sasha!" Nessie called as I carried her down the hall. "Ewoord, why she lookin' at me like that?"

xXxXx

Bella was still locked away with Carlisle when Nessie and I made our way back downstairs. She'd laughed herself sleepy as we looked through pictures of me with a mohawk, with black hair, with purple hair, with a shaved head, and when I was going through chemo and I hadn't had to shave my hair at all. Alice and J toted Nessie off to the kitchen where they were putting together dessert, and I settled back at the table across from Emmett. Esme busied herself clearing away the last remnants of dinner, humming and happy despite the fact that her husband was still discussing business with Bella.

"Dude, I cannot believe Sasha showed up," Emmett said, pausing to take a swig of his beer. "She has nerve, huh, mom?"

"She was quite pleasant, dear," Esme said with a wicked smile. "She was determined to try to mend fences, and somewhat surprised to see so many cars in the drive. Yet she seemed even more surprised to meet Vanessa. Do you know what that was about, Edward?"

"I'm pretty sure their family was under the impression I was cheating on Bella with someone named Vanessa," I muttered to my glass of water.

Emmett sprayed the beer he was drinking clear across the table. "Shit, that's priceless, dude," he laughed, wiping beer from his lap.

"Tanya will be disappointed," Esme commented. "Perhaps sometime in the future I'll feel sorry for her." She patted my shoulder before she left the room.

"So, what do you think they're talking about in there?" Emmett asked, casting his eyes nervously down the hall.

"The practice, I guess," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. I was worried that Carlisle and Bella were also going over their options if something happened to Bella's license, but I didn't want to discuss any of that shit with my cousin.

"With Rosie, though?" Emmett asked.

"Rosalie?"

"Yeah, she's in there too. Maybe dad's more sick than he's letting on," Emmett guessed as his foot tapped nervously on the ground. I noticed he'd been tying his napkin in knots. But he tried to pull himself back together when Esme came back into the dining room with a glass of wine.

She collapsed into a chair and kicked off her shoes under the table. "You boys have made me very happy tonight."

"Cause we're getting laid?" Emmett asked with a chuckle.

"If that were the case, Emmett, Esme would have been overjoyed from the time you turned thirteen. It's because we're settled."

"Dude, you were settled with Tanya forever. I don't know if that made mom happy."

Esme chose to ignore our comments all together, instead concentrating on her wine. "Carlisle might never admit this out loud, but I think he was always a bit disappointed that none of you decided to follow in his footsteps."

"He didn't care so much about us getting laid, then?" Emmett asked. Esme pretended she didn't hear the question.

"But seeing you both settle down with doctors, I think that's made up for it somewhat. But let me tell you, it's not always easy. They work and work and work, until they work themselves sick. Are you two ready for it? For being married to physicians?"

I choked on my water.

"Married?" Emmett sputtered, staring across the table at me.

"Or what have you," Esme replied with a knowing look on her face and another pat on my shoulder.

"He told you, didn't he," I sighed.

"I don't know what you're talking about dear. I should check on dessert."

xXxXx

Bella was excited when I caught her in the hallway leaving Carlisle's office.

"Ness is falling asleep, baby," I explained. In response, Bella wrapped her arms around my neck and surprised me with a kiss - a hands knotted in my hair, body pressed against body, lips parted, heart-stopping kiss.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's talk tonight."

"Talk?" I asked, eyeing her hand on my hip.

"Talk, yeah. We need to talk. About this thing with the PLA and J and the judge, and about where we're going to live, and about my job."

"Did Carlisle hear something from the ethics panel?"

"No, not yet. But if I get to keep my license, I just talked to Carlisle about it, and things could really change for me, and us, and I need to talk to you about it before I agree." Bella was so excited that the words were bubbling out of her mouth.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know," she confessed. "Please, honey, please let's talk. Let's get this figured out because I'm tired of doing everything backwards."

"You're right, baby. There's a lot that we've been too scared to say, I think. I'll follow you home. Ness is half-asleep in Esme's arms. Let's go."

Ness wouldn't let Bella hold her on the way to the car, though, insisting that I carry her instead. I did my best hugging everyone goodnight with a little girl in my arms. I promised J that I'd be in touch again before he left town.

Bella got caught speaking to Rosalie, so I made my way down to her car alone to get Ness strapped in to her seat.

"Ewoord, mama say-ed we're goin' a try a be a family," Ness said sleepily as I settled her into the car.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she yawned.

"We started tonight, I think," I smiled as I tightened the straps.

"Sooo," Nessie hesitated. "So, I think you need a big bed. An' I think you need a sleep in it. Like a daddy does." She looked so nervous, almost shaking in her seat, looking me in the eye, dead fucking serious.

"I pretty much agree," I laughed.

"Then when 'ill you get it, Ewoord?"

"I'm working on it, Little Bell."

She sighed and rested her head in her small hands. "Good."

"You know I love you, right?"

"I do, Ewoord."

"And big beds or no big beds, I'll always make sure to be there for you if you want me there. I'm going to do my best to make that official. Because you're important to me."

Her eyes lit up. "Will you -" But she didn't finish and hid her face in her little hands, instead.

"Little Bell?"

"Willyou bemydaddy ina takesalongtimeway?" she very quickly mumbled into her hands.

"Excuse me?"

"WILLYOU BEMYDADDY INA TAKESALONGTIMEWAY?"

"That's what we're going to try, sweetheart.

Nessie's head snapped up, her big eyes sparkling with tears and hope. "Really?"

"I promise."

"You keep your promises."

"I do."

xXxXx

After a night like that, it was nearly fucking impossible to keep my brain focused on mundane shit like steering, speed limits, blinkers and lane changes. I didn't really know how I made it back to Bella's neighborhood, but I managed it in record fucking time as my mind charged ahead with thoughts of my future – our future together.

Life was changing _again_ and it was finally turning into something good, something that Bella and I both wanted. We were going to talk about it. At her house. At night. From the first time I'd gone to Bella's house to talk, we'd always ended up more than talking, or often enough, not really talking at all.

But the shit we had to talk about tonight was important; and talking was the right thing to do. While finally peeling that black dress away from Bella's tits and burying my dick inside her seemed like the epitome of the word "right", I knew that tonight wasn't the night. Not on her couch, not in Jacob Black's bed. No, tonight I had to think with my head instead of my dick. Tonight we could lay the foundation for our lives… together, hopefully.

I wasn't surprised when I walked up the steps to Bella's house to find that she wasn't there yet. I was glad she hadn't driven as fast as I had with Ness in the car. I still had a key to the house, but I decided letting myself in would be presumptuous, so I took a seat on the steps, thinking about how pretty Bella looked when she walked out of Carlisle's office earlier. She'd looked excited and overwhelmed, and I was pretty sure that Carlisle offered her the practice. I was so fucking proud of her. I knew Carlisle wouldn't just give his life's work away, and that he'd seen how intelligent and capable she was.

I was so lost in thought, that I didn't pay any mind to anything going on around me. Not to the footsteps echoing in my direction, or when they stopped, or to the pair of brown boots at the edge of my line of vision. But the sound of a metallic click caught my attention. The unmistakable sound of a gun being cocked was something I'd never forget, not since the first time I heard it as a kid on the street, and I jumped to my feet and backed up against Bella's door.

Her frizzy hair looked like an explosion and her pupils were the size of pinpoints. Victoria took slow, measured steps in my direction. Her shaky hand held a small, silver revolver, and she had her finger on the trigger.

I went to pull my phone out of my pocket, but Victoria raised the gun.

"I don't think so, Mr. Masen," she hissed.

"Jesus Christ."

"Where's your little lady friend, Mr. Masen?" Victoria asked.

All I could think was that Bella and Little Bell would be there any minute.

"Put the gun down, Victoria. Put the gun down and walk away."

"I'm not an idiot, Mr. Masen. I'm artsy, unpredictable, devoted to my big brother, but I'm not an idiot. If I walk, you'll call the cops. So, it's not going to happen."

"But if you shoot me, someone's going to see or hear, and _they_'ll call the cops. You're not getting away with it this time, Victoria."

"I've seen how the cops work in this town. If I kill you, they won't have a clue."

Even though there was a junkie with the gun pointed at me, or maybe_ because_ there was a junkie with a gun pointed at me, I laughed. Victoria had a point. Who would hire the private investigators to solve my murder?

"Isabella got lucky with you," Victoria said as I laughed like a maniac. "You're different from the little boy."

"You mean the one you killed?"

"He was after James. I don't let people fuck with the ones I love. No one's fucked with my family more than Isabella has. I told her what would happen if she screwed with James, and now my brother's in prison. Now I'm here, keeping my promise."

"James is in prison because he covered up _your_ murder, Victoria, not to mention what he did to his wife and child." I eyed the gun and tried to inch towards Victoria, but she immediately raised the gun higher, aiming it for my chest.

"You don't get it, do you? If it weren't for Isabella, none of this would have ever happened. James would have a normal life. Jake would be alive. I wouldn't be in hiding. I wouldn't have to shoot you."

After that, the world moved in slow motion. The gun fired and Victoria's hand recoiled, but the sound and the sight of it were oddly out of synch. I held my breath, waiting for the pain, but instead, the sound of the bullet hitting brick sent me diving in Victoria's direction. I managed to grab her free arm, and she flung herself towards the street. But I held on and tried to wrench her arm behind her back at the same time I avoided the muzzle of the loaded gun.

The neighbor's door opened, and Jess's husband stepped outside to see what was going on. The second gunshot took me by surprise, and I dropped Victoria's arm. It seemed to take her by surprise as well. She stood next to me staring at the growing puddle of blood on the steps next door. It was redder than I would have figured, and messier; we'd both been splattered. Jess shrieked from inside the house, and somehow that reminded me that I could move.

I lunged forward, searching for a bullet wound, then applying pressure to the man's thigh.

"Victoria!" a nearby voice demanded, and in the moment it didn't make any sense at all.

"Shit!" I yelled as my hands slipped and blood spurted in my face.

That's what it took to remind Victoria that her limbs worked, and she took off running down the street, still holding the gun. Suddenly Jessica was kneeling next to me crying, clutching her husband's hand. "Jess, call the cops. And an ambulance. Now, Jess, go. Please."

"Victoria!" The voice screamed again. It finally registered that Bella was there. She was calling out Victoria's name.

"Mama?" came a sleepy voice from just behind me, and I craned my head to see Little Bell standing on the sidewalk, staring off into the distance.

"Victoria!" Bella cried again. Her voice came from the direction where Nessie was staring and my heart jumped in my chest. I nearly forgot about the wounded man and leapt to my feet. In the confusion I'd missed that Bella had run after Victoria.

"Hold his leg, Jess. Press down hard," I instructed her in a hurry. She was still on her cell phone, so keeping pressure on the wound was close to impossible, but at that moment, this man's life took a back fucking seat to Bella's.

"Hey, Nessie," I said quietly as I quickly scooped her up in my arms and stepped gingerly over Mike and Jessica. "I need you to go inside and find Jonah, okay? Go play with Jonah until me and your mommy come back."

"But I scared, Ewoord," she protested, clutching me.

"I know baby. But Jonah is too. Would you help him to feel better?" I pried her fingers from my shoulders and her legs folded underneath her as I lowered her to the ground. "I have to go, Little Bell. I'll be back."

"Okay, Ewoord," she cried, curling into a ball. "Okay."

Chasing Bella was a ridiculous idea, because the woman could run like the fucking wind. It meant I'd never catch up to her, but she'd most definitely catch up to Victoria, who was high with a loaded gun. I heard sirens in the distance, but they were much too far off to do Bella any good.

As soon as I rounded the corner, I could see them. There were about ten yards between Bella and Victoria, but Bella was closing in.

"Bella!" I tried to shout, but it came out as more of a garbled gasp. After the gunshot and the blood everywhere, and sprinting as fast as I possibly could, I could hardly make any sound come out of my mouth at all, except for my gasps for air. So I ran in silence, hoping my footfalls would maybe make Bella turn and change her mind. They didn't.

Instead, it was like watching one of those dreams where you were powerless to prevent what was happening in front of your eyes. As soon as Bella was within reach of Victoria, she dove, catching the ends of her frizzy orange hair.

I jumped, like I suddenly thought I had the power to leap twenty yards and shield Bella from a bullet. But I didn't, and I heard the gun go off and I saw them hit the pavement, and there was blood again. Everywhere again.

I kept running, my sight blurred by the tears in my eyes. The only sound besides my steps and the approaching sirens was bone breaking and skin thumping, over and over.

"This is for Jake, you bitch."

"Bella," I gasped.

"For what you did to me, and Billy,"

"Bella." I kneeled beside her in the growing pool of blood.

"And Ness, and Rebecca, and Rachel -" With each name Bella pounded Victoria's face into the street again. Blood splattered as Victoria's wet hair whipped, and as her face smashed into the pavement.

"She's dead, Bella," I tried explaining. But I couldn't make a move to stop her for a second, or a minute, or an hour. I froze and freaked the fuck out.

"For Leah, and Sue, and my dad."

"Bella, Bella, baby," I said quietly, calmly, finally pushing through the fear, clasping her shoulders, running my bloodstained hands down her arms to her hands. Tears ran down Bella's face and dripped into the shiny red stream. She sobbed and shook as I pulled her hands from Victoria's hair, and then she collapsed against me crying, staring at her hands, and then screaming as she noticed what she was kneeling in. I pulled her away, pulled her into my lap, kissed her blood stained forehead, pushed her sticky hair behind her ears.

Her frantic eyes found mine. "I thought it was you," she mumbled. "I thought it was you. I thought it was you."

There were suddenly sirens, and lights reflecting off of the wet street in front of us. Boots rushed around us. I wouldn't let go of Bella, and I hoped they wouldn't try to make me. They'd have had to pry her from my arms.

"She's dead," Bella sobbed. "She's dead. And it's not enough."

* * *

**A/N: So... The Practice of Love has been nominated for SIX Walk of Fame Awards. (Angst Goddess, Mistress of Mystery, Rising Starlet, Hopelessly Devoted, Magical Moniker - for Little Bell, and Hot Lips - for Bella and Edward's first kiss). Wow. Thanks. There are a million nominees in each category, give or take one or two, but if you'd like to vote for TPoL, I'd be really, really grateful. Here's the link: http:/twinklingswfa . blogspot . com/p/voting . html**

**I've signed up to write TPoL out takes for The Fandom Against Domestic Violence, FGB for Autism Awareness, and Fandom Fights the Floods... I'll post information about making a donation and reading more about B, E, Little Bell & the peanut with the next couple of updates.**

**As always, thank you so much for your reviews! I really appreciate it. Thanks so much to Lindz and fuzzyltlwinged thing for making this look pretty as Edward's eyes. Okay, maybe not that pretty. Until next week, xxx, M**


	36. Chapter 33

**A/N: The painting on Edward and Bella's date is entitled The Crucifixion, with the Virgin and Saint John the Evangelist Mourning by Rogier van der Weyden http:/www . philamuseum . org/collections/permanent/102845 . html**

**The lyrics to My Girls are by Animal Collective, not by me. When the music starts at the end of the E & B's date, feel free to start playing Merriweather Post Pavilion by Animal Collective, beginning with My Girls, because that's what Edward does. And many thanks to my hubby for suggesting the song. Sometimes I wonder who knows this version of Edward better, him or me.**

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* * *

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**BPOV**

Edward and I both knew from experience that Esme was the best person to have on hand after a violent gun death, but she had Carlisle to take care of, and Jess was at the hospital with Mike, and Alice was discussing her future with J. So, Edward called Rosalie, and maybe because she felt guilty, or maybe just because she was my friend, Rosalie made it to my house in less than five minutes.

That's what they tell me, anyway.

I can't be sure about the timing because I wasn't there. Not right away. No, I was around the corner from my house with blankets and paramedics and police officers and detectives. They surrounded me and they asked question after question, despite the fact that Edward told them repeatedly that I had nothing to say.

Edward told them that Victoria fell on her gun. He saw it all happen right in front of his eyes, he explained. Then he asked for Detective Donovan

I watched the unfolding scene around me like I was somehow set apart; alone, watching a fuzzy black and white T.V. screen. Everyone flickered in shades of gray. Well, all except for the one person that mattered; he stood out in Technicolor brilliance and broke through the barrier to get to me. It was almost like the sunshine I'd first noticed in Edward's eyes had grown to fill his body. I basked in the brilliant warmth of his arms, his chest, his words, and I'm pretty sure that he was the only thing keeping me tethered to this life.

Life. Life was funny. It was here one minute and gone the next. I should have had a handle on that, seeing as how I was a doctor. But it never ceased to amaze me, least of all when I saw it disappear in front of my eyes; when I saw limbs go limp, losing their animation. When it could have been Edward, or me, or my daughter.

After that, stupid fears disappeared. Why fear the ones you loved, or the ones that loved you back? There was no reason. The important thing was to be there: to love and cherish and be thankful.

I was so thankful: for the arms that held my body, and the deep, commanding voice that steered me through the morass. I was thankful for the man that held my heart, and that loved my daughter, and who had changed my mind about what was important in this world.

"Edward?" I asked, and many faces turned to stare, and some took out pads, poised to write notes.

"No, baby," he murmured, and he held me and pressed my face against his chest.

I pulled away because I needed to see him and to speak to him, now more than ever. Officers watched, and I could see so many shadows outside the reach of the bright flashing lights.

"I can't lose you yet, Edward."

"Jesus, Bella, me either," he breathed.

Before long, or maybe it was after many hours, Edward had scheduled an appointment with detectives at the precinct, and we received clearance from the paramedics, and then we simply stood up and began to walk away.

Edward's eyes flashed in the lights from the emergency vehicles. "Can you walk?"

I nodded, but I leaned against him anyway as we made our way home.

"Of course you can walk," he said, rubbing my arm. "You can fucking run like the wind."

"I wasn't running away," I explained. It almost meant something to me, but I didn't have the energy to figure it out.

Edward placed a hand on either of my arms, stopping us at the corner. I noticed people watching from windows, and two men walked by holding a stretcher.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes."

He shook his head like he couldn't figure out what I'd just said.

"I'm okay," I assured him as I took his hands in mine. I noticed that both sets of our hands were brown with dried blood. There were other things stuck on my hands, and I looked away.

"This doesn't make sense," I added.

"No, I think it makes a lot of sense. I should have guessed that she'd do something like this."

"That's not what I mean, Edward. Why're they letting me go?"

"Because she fell on her gun, B," he said looking me steadily in the eye.

"But -"

"But she fell on her gun." His hands gripped mine harder and he clenched his jaw, willing me to comply.

It was hard not to lose myself, not to let my mind drift back to that moment when the contents of Victoria's skull were raining down on me. But Edward held on to me, determined.

"But, I was -" I began again.

"Isabella Swan, I'll tell you what you were doing. You were about to spend the night with your boyfriend discussing your future together."

"Our future together," I corrected.

"If you'll let it be, baby. Tell me what happened."

I tried it out for size. "She fell on the gun."

Emmett turned green when Edward and I walked through the front door, and he quickly ran upstairs and made sure Rose kept Ness in her room while we made our way to the third floor.

The bedroom I used to share with Jake was nearly empty, with just a bed, a chest of drawers, a nightstand and a lamp. It felt dark and dusty, and Edward reached for the light, but I stopped him from flicking the switch.

In the bathroom, Edward ran the water and then looked me over from head to toe. He started with my flats, and my feet squelched with suction as the shoes came off one by one. The tie on my wrap dress was sticky and crusted, so he peeled it off of my shoulders instead, tugging it down my body, tearing it away from my skin.

His tears went unanswered; my eyes were dry, and there were no words as bloody underthings fell onto the pile on the floor, or as his soiled clothing joined mine. I simply wrapped my arms around him and let the hard, hot spray pound against my skin. I watched the water in the drain turn from dark red, to translucent pink, then finally clear.

When I noticed the bits stuck in the drain, I closed my eyes. Instead, I concentrated on the way Edward tenderly bathed me, on the care he took to make sure I was clean, on the gentle way he massaged my scalped and combed through the tangles. But I resisted when he began to unwrap my hands from around his waist.

"Bella, baby," he begged.

I opened my eyes to see brown stains on my chest, and with a gasp, I gave in and let him turn me around. I leaned back against his chest and looked skywards. The water stung my face as Edward's hands washed the death off of my tits and my belly. When he was done, his hands rested over my stomach and he rested his head on my shoulder, and we stood. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest, and I could feel his breath on my neck, and I was so grateful for those signs that he was alive.

Edward found me a pair of sleep pants and his U Penn T-shirt, which I gladly pulled on. It wasn't as easy dressing him, though, and the best we could find was an old pair of cut-off sweats I'd worn when I was pregnant with Ness. They left absolutely nothing to the imagination, so we topped it with my bathrobe.

When Edward was as dressed as possible, he joined me on the edge of the bed. His eyes held so many questions, but he didn't voice a single one. I wanted to tell him not to be scared, that everything was suddenly very clear, but I couldn't find the words. So, I reached out and held his hand, and after a bit I leaned my head against his arm, and finally, I crawled onto his lap. I was so grateful for his lap, and his arms, and his lips that were suddenly showering appreciative kisses.

"Thank you," I murmured.

"Baby. Bella, baby."

"I thought you were dead."

"I thought I was going to watch you die," he breathed.

But neither of those possibilities had come to pass. We were both alive. And with that thought, and with Edward's embrace, something small, yet strong began tapping away inside my chest. That's the best way I could describe it. Something tapped and then cracked, and cracked and then fell away - and my heart, which had been protectively hidden without me even knowing, swelled and broke free.

xXxXx

We found Ness sitting limp on Rosalie's lap as my friend read her a book, but she jumped to her feet as Edward and I walked into the room. She considered me carefully first, and then Edward, and then she wiped some errant tears from her eyes.

"Are we okay, mama?" she asked.

I knelt on the ground. "We are, Ness."

"You sad again?" she asked hesitantly.

"No, honey. Not sad. I'm so happy that I have you. I love you so much." With those words Ness threw her little body into my waiting arms and hugged me tight.

"I was scared, mama. Really, really scared."

"I'll never run away like that again, Ness. I promise."

It was a promise I was sure I would keep. I wouldn't leave these two behind again. Not yet. Not until I left for good.

Rosalie and Emmett stayed long enough to give us big hugs and make a pot of tea, long enough for Emmett to tell me that I was a "Pretty _Badass_ Doc," and long enough for them to tell us that we could call them any time of day or night if we needed them.

"Don't believe that for a second," Edward chuckled as we watched the two of them make out on the sidewalk in front of our house. "Any time of day, maybe."

"When can I call you?" I asked Edward, teasing.

Edward turned away from the window and his bright eyes found mine, I saw the desperation that began taking hold. I understood completely. There was no way I could let go of him again. Not tonight, not again, not ever.

"Please stay?"

He nearly fell into my arms. At least, that's what it felt like, and I told him how much he meant, in words that I'd been holding inside, frightened to let go.

We had a sleepover, but not in the way anyone had planned. We unrolled sleeping bags and brought out all of the down comforters and pillows we could find, and we padded and layered until the floor was soft. Ness, emotionally exhausted, buried herself under the warm fluff, and with a kiss from each of us, promptly fell asleep.

Edward and I curled up on the floor together, and we whispered all of those things you never say because you're too scared. When there was no fear, those words flowed freely.

"My life is so much better because of you," he murmured as he held my cheek in the palm of his hand.

"You gave me strength I never knew I had."

"Me and you, B. Me and you, forever, okay?"

"And ever and ever."

Tears came again, and he held me again, his body wrapped around mine.

"Never leave me, B. Never leave me again. Okay?"

"Okay."

xXxXxXx

I woke to the sound of Edward yelping in pain, and opened my eyes to see Nessie on top of him. Apparently, her knees had found their mark with uncanny aim.

"You stayed here, Ewoord! You stayed. We're a family now?" she cheered, jumping up and down again, so that Edward's face contorted in pain and tears sprang to his eyes.

"Ness, baby, no jumping on penises," I explained. "You could hurt Edward."

"Could?" he choked.

"You mean mydaddy ina takesalongtimeway?" she asked, planting a kiss on Edward's cheek. "I sorry I hurt-ed you."

I hesitated, unsure what to say and I watched Edward for a cue. "I'm gonna get you, Mydaughter ina takesalongtimeway," he laughed as he lunged for Ness. She shrieked and scrambled from my arms, but he tackled her and tickled her and she laughed so hard that she was left writhing and gasping for air. Until finally, he stopped and hugged her, and whispered something in her ear.

"One… Two… THREE," Nessie yelled, and they both dove on top of me. We were a tangle of limbs and laughter, and finally, soft kisses and big hugs.

"I lo' you, mama an' Ewoord," Nessie cooed as she settled between Edward and I.

"My babies," Edward whispered as he kissed us both.

"Mine," I whispered back.

"Always, B. Always."

xXxXx

"She fell on the gun," Edward repeated to me, over and over in the car on the way to the police station. He was right to do it. Given my mindset I might not have been that clear, I might have said something else.

Luckily, the detectives had already been to the hospital and they had statements from Mike and Jessica. Edward explained how Victoria admitted that she was there to kill me, and how she tried to shoot him. "And Bella didn't want to let her get away," Edward explained. "Not after Victoria terrorized and endangered us all. Maybe it wasn't the most level-headed decision, but it was brave."

All eyes were on me and Edward held my hand. Aminah placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"Dr. Swan?" Detective Donovan asked.

"I thought she shot Edward. He was slumped over, covered in blood. Jessica was crying and Victoria was running away."

"Bella," Edward prompted, and I took a deep breath and swallowed my words.

"I chased after Victoria, and when she heard me coming she ran faster to get away. And then she tripped over something and the gun went off, and the top of her head just… exploded."

I shuddered and my eyes lost focus, and for a moment I was back on the street with chunks of red and white, and clumps of orange bloody hair raining down on me. The interrogation room went fuzzy and gray, and Edward's warm arms held me tight. I choked, struggling for air.

"She's gone now, Bella. Baby, she's gone," he whispered.

"Will there be anything else, Detective?" I heard Aminah ask.

"I don't think so, Ms. Kachiri. Open and shut, really. That woman was a menace. Just don't go running after any more murderers, Dr. Swan, okay?"

A large hand slapped me on the shoulder and I jumped. Edward's chest rumbled and his arms tightened around me. He held me like that as Aminah drove us home.

xXxXx

Esme and Carlisle stopped over that evening and Esme made herself at home in the kitchen. She made soup and sandwiches, and popcorn and brownies and we all sat around and to watch a classic, Ness-friendly movie. Esme suggested _The Princess Bride_, and Carlisle voted for any of the Muppet movies. "What about _The Little Mermaid_?" Edward asked, and I laughed out loud until I realized that he was serious.

"I lo' _A Little Mermaid, _Ewoord!" Ness squealed. She jumped on his lap and hugged him tight, and the decision was made. Edward smirked at me raised his eyebrow in challenge, like he'd only suggested the movie because he knew Ness would be into it. I shook my head and silently laughed, just waiting for him to break into song.

Nessie bounced back and forth between laps all night, except for Carlisle, whose lap she climbed into and out of very carefully. Meanwhile, Esme was overly generous with hugs and kisses, and I couldn't blame her. I understood. In the past week she'd nearly lost her husband, and last night she could have lost one of us. It could happen any night, really.

"I'm just so happy for the two of you," Esme gushed as she hugged me goodnight. She was staring over my shoulder, and when I turned I saw Edward setting up our king-sized living room camp-out with Ness asleep in his arms.

I didn't know what to say.

"He's such a good man," she continued, almost to herself.

"I know."

"I hoped, one day. But I was sure it would be Emmett and one of his wayward affairs."

Esme wasn't making much sense. I decided that my shock and fatigue were impairing my ability to understand what she was trying to say. Not to mention that the way Edward's biceps looked as he held my daughter in his arms was making it kind of hard to concentrate on anything. I was lucky I remembered Esme's name.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, um, I uh… Carlisle -" Her eyes searched mine, but they didn't seem to find what they were looking for. "We'll call tomorrow, dear," Esme said with another hug.

xXxXx

We visited Mike in the hospital and he was at a loss for words when Edward walked into his room. Mike shook his hand, and then pulled Edward down to the bed for a long, hard, man-to-man kind of hug.

"The doctors say that with his artery torn open like that, Mike could have bled to death before the ambulance ever came," Jess explained with watery eyes as she clutched my hand. "Edward was there right from the beginning. I don't know if I could have done it. I was so scared. I couldn't move at first."

"I'm so sorry," I choked, as I sensed those old feelings of guilt creeping back up my spine.

"Are you kidding, Bella?" Jess asked, perplexed. "That crazy bitch shot my husband and you stopped her from getting away. You were both kind of amazing that day. Really amazing."

Edward hugged me, and his arms saved me when the room threatened to fade away; they kept the guilt at bay.

"You need to see someone, B," he whispered to me as we lay cuddling on top of our family bed that night. "After everything, after… _that_, please see someone?"

"Ness has counseling tomorrow. I'll ask her therapist. But I think it's just shock, Edward. Everything else just fell into place after… _that_. I know now… I can't say what I'm feeling like I want to, but now, I just know."

Edward played with my hair and gazed into my eyes. "It's just that with what I saw, it's got to do something to you, and I worry. Sometimes you look so happy and then so sad, all in a heartbeat."

"I'm just glad I get the chance to feel anything at all."

He looked so anxious, and I kissed him and tried to erase the fear. It nearly worked. I felt his body stir as his lips parted, as our kiss deepened and our hands clutched.

"Edward?" I asked, finally pulling myself away.

"Yeah, Bella?"

"If they rule against me, if they take away my license and I can't be a doctor anymore, you'll still stay with me. Right?"

"Are you fucking kidding?" he nearly laughed.

"No. I mean, I think I know the answer. I just want to be sure."

"Just me and you, B… and our daughter and The Peanut. And if you're home barefoot and pregnant and shit, well, I wouldn't mind for a minute. And if you wanted to become, I don't know, a marine biologist or some random shit like that, I'd fucking support you in that too. You'd just have to shower after swimming around in the Delaware, you know, before you could come to bed."

With mention of getting me into bed, a spark flashed in Edward's eyes, but he simply tucked my body against his, and he held me like he'd been doing each night since the shooting. Eventually, his chest rose and fell slowly and evenly, and his limbs relaxed. Nessie rolled over and snuggled against my back, and surrounded by the people I loved most in the world, I fell peacefully to sleep.

xXxXx

At any other point in my life, having a panel of eight medical professionals staring down at me from a raised dais would have intimidated me, but not now. Losing my job would be sad, but it wouldn't compare to losing Nessie or Edward. No, unless one of the panelists was hiding a gun and planned on using it, they couldn't touch me. I knew that for a fact, I'd checked just to make sure. No matter what happened here, Edward said he'd stay.

An older woman with a name I've since forgotten started things off by reading the charges, and by reviewing the testimony they'd received from the other witnesses.

"Do you have a statement for the panel, Dr. Swan?" she asked. "Now's your chance."

"Do you guys want to hear a crazy story?" I began.

A few panelists stared at me blankly and some murmured between one another, but no one replied either way, as far as I could tell.

"It's a love story, with drama and angst and some action thrown in," I explained. There are even a few funny parts, too. You might compare it to Erin Brokovich, but I think there's more passion in my story, and the kids are cuter."

The panelists mumbled to one another, and a few of them chuckled nervously.

"Well, I know that you're all physicians, so, just imagine this: It's a really busy day at a new job, and an intern, of all things, schedules a visit in the lab, during your lunch break, while you still have four patients waiting to be seen…"

I told them my story, well, _our _story, really. That was all that I could do. There was no way that I could even think about lying or covering things up, because the past two months had been the most monumental and life-changing months of my life. It was the story that changed things for me forever, that made me see that you couldn't waste time playing it safe, that you couldn't let guilt or fear rule the way you lived, and that no matter how good your life looked from the outside, even to yourself, there was always the possibility that your heart could be hiding and broken. It took bravery to set it right.

Afterwards, I burst out of the hearing room, and ran straight for Edward's arms.

"It's over," I breathed as I buried my face in his chest.

He held me in his arms, something neither of us could get enough of these last few days. And when I didn't say anything else, he untangled my arms and held me at bay, searching my face for answers.

"So, that's it then?" he asked. "They revoked your license?"

I shook my head, beaming. "Probation. For the next two years. I can't fall in love with any more patients for the next two years."

xXxXx

With the last bit of heaviness gone, the world opened up before us. Edward and I talked and we planned, and we made decisions, together. J came over to discuss the PLA and we all took a trip to see the big old house that would become its headquarters. Edward met with lawyers and with Judge O'Connor, and spent time with legal paperwork and his computer. We invited Seth and Lauren over for dinner, and Lauren was rehired as Edward's assistant.

Carlisle and I set the terms and conditions for the transfer of his practice. It couldn't happen until my probationary period was over, but up until then he'd work fewer hours, and we'd bring Rosalie on as an associate. She was a great doctor, and I had to believe that with time we'd be fine. Maybe not best friends, but almost like sisters. Almost.

The realtor brought people through the house, and after only a few days, she called with a bid. An hour later she called with another.

"Sleep on it," she advised. "This is a big step."

"There's another buyer," I explained to Alice as I hung up the phone.

"Wow, I guess you guys are going to need to find a house, like, immediately," she suggested as she helped fasten a small diamond pendant around my neck.

"There's been so much going on. We haven't even had a chance to really talk about it." Not to mention that we were probably avoiding that talk. I got the feeling from everyone except Edward that he'd hate living in the suburbs, but when I'd tried to broach the subject with him, he just said that he'd go anywhere with me.

"Well, you two have all night. I'm sure you'll find a little time to, ahem, talk. About houses. Yep, a little time at least."

I looked at my reflection in the mirror, pleased with what I saw. Some of the color had come back to my cheeks, and I was pretty sure that I'd managed to gain back a little weight. On second glance, it may have all been in my breasts, though. The navy silk sheath dress I was wearing for my first date with Edward was purchased long before my pregnancy, and my breasts were practically popping out of it.

"I don't know, Alice. Do you think this is okay?" I asked, glancing down at my chest.

"Dude, Edward's a man, right? And those shoes are fantastic, by the way."

"I wore them to the benefit, remember?" I asked.

"I didn't even notice your shoes that night. Just how happy you were. You're happy now, too. I hope? Sometimes I can't tell."

"I am, Alice. But there's so much more to it than that."

A few minutes later, Edward showed up at the door in that gray suit I loved, biting his lip, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand. It was ridiculous, because he'd been living at my house for days, but the gesture was silly and formal, and I loved it. I loved him.

"Thank you," I laughed, but before I could take the bouquet, Alice darted past me and pulled the flowers from Edward's hands.

"Very nice touch, Big Brother. I'll take care of these," she assured us. "Now, you two, scoot. I've got a sleepover to get to, and so do you."

"Have a good date, Ewoord and mama," Ness called from her room.

"Good night, baby," I called back.

"We will, Little Bell," Edward added. "Love you."

"Lo' you too, Ewoord!"

xXxXx

Edward and I walked briskly through the neighborhood, hand-in-hand, silently sneaking glances at one another. When we were held up at a traffic light, Edward stood in front of me and wrapped his hands around my waist.

"I'm nervous, B," he laughed.

"Don't be. I'm not." I kissed him, and hoped that it might put his mind at rest; I hoped that he felt the same as I did. These days, with each kiss, I felt more certain. And I basked in that feeling, and let the warmth build inside, until I was holding fistfuls of his hair, and his hands drifted over my ass. Too soon he pulled away.

"We're gonna be late, B."

"I don't mind," I said as I nipped at his ear, and he gave in, and we missed that light, and the next couple as well.

"Enough," he finally managed, smiling and holding me at arms' length. "_This_ is fun, but it's hardly a date, and I'm a man of my fucking word."

"Fine. Date me, then," I replied petulantly. "Let's see what you've got."

xXxXx

I balked when I saw the restaurant, though. We stopped in front of the sushi place that Edward and I had spoken about the night we played records and made out.

"Edward, it's sushi… I can't -"

"I know all about it, B," he assured me as he opened the door for me. I was pretty sure he was telling the truth. Sometimes at night I'd catch him reading about pregnancy and childbirth on his laptop. "Trust me?" he asked, and of course, I did.

It turned out that Edward knew the owner and he also knew a few phrases in Japanese. Somehow, I wasn't surprised. They talked, and the small Asian man smiled at me and bowed his head.

"Beautiful girlfriend, Ewoord," the man said, clapping Edward on the back, nodding approvingly in my direction.

"Ewoord," I tittered after the man left, and I gazed across the table at him. "So, Ness has been saying your name in Japanese, huh?"

They never brought us menus, only course after course of specially prepared food. There was miso soup and seaweed salad and countless different rolls full of vegetables, and some kind of sweet and sour paste and tofu and egg custard, each designed to settle my stomach, the owner came back to explain. "And it's also good for healthy dan tian, source energy, and for healthy babies," the gentleman assured me. "For Ewoord, for you, because you so special."

"Thank you," I smiled, ducking my head and blushing. The man bowed his head to Edward again, and left us to our meal.

"How do you feel?" he asked, after we finished up with a shared pot of green tea.

"Loved."

"You are, Bella. Never doubt that."

"I don't."

Afterwards, we walked hand in hand past trendy boutiques and salons, past restaurants and coffee shops, until we came to a record store that I knew well. I'd been shopping there ever since I moved to the neighborhood nearly four years ago.

"Records?" I asked as Edward held the door for me again.

I waved to the guy behind the counter, and he raised his eyebrows at Edward and I. With the silk dress and the suit we definitely stood out from the crowd. Edward glowered at the man, who immediately went back to the stack of records on the counter in front of him.

"It's okay, Edward. I know him."

"And he wants to get to know you better," Edward replied, wrapping his arm around my waist possessively.

"Oh, please," I laughed, wriggling playfully to escape from his grasp.

"You don't have any idea how fucking beautiful, or how fucking fuckable you look tonight, do you?" Edward asked under his breath, suddenly brimming with jealous desire.

"I do now," I replied with a kiss.

We walked through the store and Edward told stories about the different shows he'd been to over the years, he tried to count how many times he'd heard Ian MacKaye threaten to walk off the stage, and all of the road trips he'd made to D.C. to see shows in warehouses. We found common ground in angst-ridden albums, and emo bands from the west coast, although Edward assured me he'd never admit that to anyone else.

We found an old Youth of Today record for Edward, and an album I'd been wanting for a while that I was pretty sure he'd love. He picked out a record to add to Nessie's dance music collection, and at the last minute, he grabbed another record that I didn't get a good look at.

Edward had thoughtfully parked his car on the street outside the record store sometime before our date. We drove up the Ben Franklin Parkway and the lights from the city flashed through the car. The fountains and museums were all lit in different colors, and ancient trees lined either side of the street. At night the city looked beautiful, and it was easy to see how I'd made a home there, and why I loved it.

Edward pulled his car up in front of the Art Museum steps, and he ran around to the passenger side door, opening it for me, helping me up.

"When I was a kid and it snowed, we'd slide down these steps on pieces of fucking cardboard," Edward reminisced as he led me up the never-ending stairway towards the museum at the top. "Well, until that one time Felix cracked his head open."

"Oh my god!"

"Lucky for him, he was high and he didn't feel a fucking thing."

"I don't know if that's really lucky. I'm just glad it wasn't you."

"There were too many times when it _was_ me, Bella. There's a lot I haven't told you, I guess."

"You can tell me anything."

"That's something I realized from the start, you know. I _wanted_ you to know. Everything. But it still goes against the grain; I pretended that shit didn't happen for so long. All that shit… I don't know." He wouldn't look at me, and he dug his hands in his pockets and looked out over the city skyline instead.

"It's pretty up here." I offered, since I didn't know what else to say. "I haven't been on this side of the museum since I interviewed for my residency. I came because, well, you know, the whole Rocky thing." I glanced up at Edward to see if he would laugh, but he still looked uncommonly grim. "I mean, I didn't run up the steps like Rocky did in the movie," I explained. "It's really silly, but I felt like I should identify with Rocky, or something. We were both working to get ahead in this city, against all odds, or something," I finished, mumbling and a little mortified.

"Well, you did, it, Bella. Rocky or not."

"So did you, Edward."

"You think?" he asked, and I was struck by how genuine his question was. Maybe I didn't always know whether I looked fuckable in a dress, but Edward didn't always know how good he was. I wished he trusted himself to let me in completely. We still had a lot of growing to do.

"Edward, you don't have any idea, do you?" I asked, circling my hands around his waist.

"Ideas about what?"

"What an amazing man you are."

"That's real fucking recent, Bella," he laughed.

"No it's not. You were hurt, but you weren't bad."

"B, the shit I did -"

"Survival, Edward," I interjected.

"Tanya -"

"A bad relationship maybe, but you're not a bad person. Anyway, that's in the past."

"Another fucking lifetime," he agreed

"I know what you mean."

"Come on," he said, taking hold of my hand and leading me around the side of the museum closest to the river, close to the spot where Jake had proposed. I was momentarily shot through with panic, but I knew that Edward would never do something like that. Not in the same place Jake did, anyway.

"Hey, Ed," a man called from the shadows and I jumped.

"Nate."

A hulking figure walked into the lamplight. He'd been tucked away next to one of the museum's side entrances. "You fucking owe me for this shit."

"I'm good for it," Edward replied, and he shook the man's hand and gave him an awkward one-armed hug.

"This is her?" Nate asked.

"This is Bella."

"Bella, right. Like pretty, in Italian."

"Well, I'm not as pretty as he is," I said, playfully wrapping my arm around Edward's waist.

Nate laughed long and hard. "A fucking pretty boy, you got that right, Pretty Bella. You two pretty kids enjoy." He turned around, then turned a key in the lock, and ushered us inside the museum. It was lit dimly, but it was still easy enough to make out the vaulted ceilings and the massive tapestries that hung on the walls in the main gallery.

"Dating the hell out of me?" I asked, awed.

"Fucking trying."

We walked hand in hand through the silent space. "Didn't they do this in _Say Anything_?" I guessed, teasing.

Edward chuckled and looked away. "_Some Kind of Wonderful_," he admitted.

"Oh my god! You _Some Kind of Wonderful_-dated me."

"Well, they didn't exactly 'date' in _Dirty Dancing_," he laughed, swinging my arm playfully. "_Some Kind of Wonderful_, though; that kid knew how to fucking date."

"Has anyone ever told you that you watch girlie movies?" I laughed.

"You're the only one that knows."

I tugged Edward in the direction of the impressionist gallery, a favorite of mine, but he didn't seem to notice, leading me up the stairs, instead. I was more than a little surprised when I noticed where we were headed.

"Medieval Art?" I asked.

"My mom was Catholic," he said, like that would explain it all.

"What about your dad?"

"Who the fuck knows… Maybe Esme, I guess."

We walked under the archways of ancient temples, and past golden paintings of torture and redemption done without any thought to perspective. All around us, the Christ child sucked at his mother's breast, and hoards bowed down before a misshapen boy with a halo around his head.

"Sunday mornings could be so goddamned lonely when I was on my own, when I was a kid. One morning I got this bright fucking idea, or as bright as I could manage, back then. Sundays at the museum -"

"Pay what you can," I said, finishing his thought, trying to show Edward that he could talk, and that I'd understand as well as I could.

"Right."

"Right," he agreed as we walked past pictures of blood and death. "I came here, and I thought, I don't know what I thought. I wasn't religious, and I came in here, and saw all of this, but it wasn't her."

"Wh -" I began to ask.

"My mom. But here," Edward said as he led me through another door and into a large, square, nearly empty space, "I understood this."

Only one painting hung in the center of the room, and rows of long Spartan benches, not unlike pews, were lined up in front of it. Edward led me to a seat right up front. The painting was in two pieces, and Christ hung dead on the cross off to the side, instead of front and center like I'd seen in the rest of this gallery. It was hard to concentrate on Jesus' tortured frame, because on the other piece of the canvas, his mother stole all of the attention. With the clean lines and bright colors the artist had chosen, her grief was brought into focus and jumped off the canvas. This painting was different from the others I'd glanced at, because it wasn't about celestial sacrifice, but about the gritty grief of a human woman lying in the dirt at the moment of the Christian god's greatest glory.

"This reminded me of my mother. Not like I was Jesus, or anything, but that pain on that woman's face. It's worse than the physical pain he's feeling. I'm not explaining this right."

He didn't have to, because I was pretty sure that I understood. I took in the empty room, with it's the even-sided walls, and the grief that silently screamed in the middle of it all, and my eyes filled with tears.

"I felt my mom here more than anyplace else in the world. I came back again and again, and I'd talk to her. I wish she could have met you, Bella. I really do."

"Me too."

"When I see you with Ness, though, how good you are with her, after everything she's gone through, how you care about her more. I love you for that. It reminds me that _we_'re right, that you're right for me."

Edward looked at me, and finally, his eyes were completely unguarded. For the briefest moment I saw the little child inside: a small boy with a missing mother, and a father that refused to care or to explain. A boy that silently screamed his grief in the clean and neat world he tried to create for himself.

"As long as I'm here, you'll never be in that place again, Edward."

"Thank fucking god, B. Because it's all I want. Thank fucking god.

"Yes. Let's."

xXxXx

We left the museum and nodded to Nate who patted Edward on the back like he was congratulating him for something. I expected to walk back to the car, but instead Edward led me across Kelly Drive and through the field where we'd shared lunch last week. Leaves rustled around our feet and little animals skittered in the underbrush. The sky was deep blue, dotted here and there with white pinpoints of light, and the rays from the moon were just bright enough that I could make out filmy gray clouds as they drifted through the night sky.

Edward seemed distracted, and the brown paper bag that held his record store purchase rustled in his free hand. He'd been holding it so inconspicuously, that until now I hadn't thought about it much.

"You took the records?" I asked.

Edward seemed surprised that I'd spoken.

"Just one," he corrected, shaking his head at the hand that held the package like it had let him down.

"Why?"

"I, uh, I don't know."

By this time we were retracing our steps from the other afternoon. If we kept it up we'd be at my office in another couple minutes. But we didn't keep it up. Edward stopped in the middle of the block. It was quiet and breezy and cars and trees lined either side of the street. The houses in this neighborhood were like the more majestic cousins of the brownstones and row homes where I lived; everything was taller, wider, cleaner, more polished.

"Edward?"

He pressed his lips together and gripped my hand more firmly in his as his eyes roamed the sky over my head. Somewhere between the museum and this random spot on the sidewalk he'd gotten nervous, yet he seemed to be trying his best to reassure me.

"Where to now?" I asked, rubbing my thumb over his hand.

Edward gave up on the sky and looked at me instead. His eyes didn't hide a thing, and I saw how frightened and determined he was, and also how in love. "This is where you finally told me you were in, Bella."

I'd have to take his word that this was the spot, because I couldn't look away.

"I'm still in."

"Me too," he smiled. "Come on."

"Where?"

Edward led me through the front gate of the house we'd been standing in front of. From what I could see in the dark, the tiny front yard was well kept with fall flowers and a couple of little trees. The windows were tall and arched, but they were also dark. It didn't look like anyone was home.

"Whose house is this?" I asked as we walked up the tall set of steps leading to the entrance. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, the security lock on the front door came into view. "Edward?"

He punched a series of numbers into the keypad and the little device opened and a key fell in his waiting palm. It looked like his hand was shaking.

The house was empty and expansive with high ceilings and clean lines, a stone-tiled entryway, hardwood floors and a big fireplace. The staircase rose off to our left, sweeping upwards in an arc.

"Edward, we can't afford this," I warned, guessing his intent.

"Do you like it?"

"I'd have to see more of it, but -"

"Have a look around, then." He kissed the top of my head and clutched my shoulders and took a deep breath. "I'll be right back."

"Edward?"

He didn't hear me, though, or he ignored me, and disappeared upstairs.

It was a beautiful house. The windows were incredibly tall and I could picture them dressed with long drapes that would flutter when we had the windows open in the springtime. We'd put a rug in front of the fireplace, and Edward's mother's piano would fit perfectly in the corner. The kitchen was huge by Philly standards, with updated stainless steel appliances, but also built-in woodwork that looked like it was original. There was a big window over the sink that looked out over a small, grassy yard.

A yard in the city.

Edward was trying to compromise. But with the mortgage we'd have to take out on this, there was no way I could purchase Carlisle's practice as well. I had to let him know.

I raced up the stairs to find four large bedrooms and a pretty little bathroom, but no Edward. There was a dim light glowing from the third floor, though, and floorboards creaking overhead gave him away. As I started up the next flight of steps, scratchy pulsing music swelled to fill the stale air.

There was a large room, and in the center of it stood a bed - larger than king sized, if there was such a thing. Hundreds of small twinkling white lights were strung back and forth across the top of its wrought iron, four-poster frame. I couldn't look away from the soft white bedding, or the pillows, or the thick blue rug underneath.

Quietly and insistently a chanting voice rose to join the softly pulsing music.

_There isn't much that I feel I need_

_A solid soul and the blood I bleed_

_But with a little girl, and by my spouse,_

_I only want a proper house_

That's when I noticed the old-fashioned portable record player set up on a folding chair a few feet from the bed. A long cord led to an outlet in the wall and to Edward. He was leaning next to a stone fireplace with his hands deep in his pockets, looking at his feet.

I took a step into the room and the floorboards beneath me creaked. Edward's head shot up. He was biting his lip, but otherwise he didn't move. I did, though. I made it as far as the bed, and stopping, trailed my fingers over the soft quilted comforter.

"Do you like it, B?"

"Edward?"

"When I asked Nessie about a house, this was her requirement," he said nodding to the bed between us. "She's somewhat obsessed. Do you think it's big enough?"

"Edward?"

He took a tentative step in my direction. "I hoped I'd find a Wilco album at the record store tonight, but they're not as well-fucking-stocked as they say on their website. I even called earlier today, and that fucking guy, yeah, _that_ one, he said they had them."

"Wilco and the stars?" I asked, my eyes flickering over the lights above my head.

"They're from your birthday. But it's more like Animal Collective and the stars tonight. And no beer for either of us this time, although for the first time in fucking forever, I feel like I could really use one," he admitted.

"Tense?"

"And nervous," he laughed, glancing shyly across the bed, his hands still in his pockets, the lights bringing out the golden flecks in his eyes.

"Want to go for a run?" I teased.

"Not even close… Bella, are we still waiting?"

I shook my head. As it was, a lifetime with Edward and my daughter wouldn't be enough, not by a long shot. For the first time, ever, I genuinely wished for an afterlife. No, waiting was no longer an option.

"What is this?" I asked, looking around the big, barren room.

"Don't you know?" He took another step towards me, and my breath hitched in my throat.

"How?" was all that I managed to ask.

"Do you like it, Bella?" Edward took another step, and I couldn't look away from his frightened and hopeful eyes.

"It's a beautiful home."

"It's down the street from the park. Little Bell and The Peanut could have the biggest fucking yard in the city. There's grass in front and out back and I know the actual yard's shitty and small, but it's enough for, I don't know, a couple of chairs. Toys, maybe."

"But, it's too expensive, Edward. It must be. I can't even imagine. It's so big, and, I don't know… stately." I was babbling and nervous, and Edward used the time to take the last few steps around the bed, until he was standing in front of me.

"Do you like it, B? You won't answer." His fingers traced my jaw line and his eyes pled for a response.

"Yes, but -"

"You like it," Edward sighed with relief, and a glimmer of a smile played at the corners of his mouth.

"Of course I do."

"Well, that's a fucking relief, because it's ours."

"What?"

"No more sleeping on the floor. And maybe Ness will sleep on her own if she sees this bed. She has some very hard and fast rules about big beds."

"But how?" I asked, clasping his fingers in mine.

"The same fucking way everyone else does it: savings, a mortgage, a motivated seller that's already moved to San Francisco. With J and Esme helping out with the PLA, it freed up everything else I had."

Everything else he had. He'd put everything he had into buying this house.

"I'll work hard, Bella, and I'll be pulling a salary soon. And there's my share of Alice's business, and Seth will eventually turn a profit. We haven't closed on this of course, they just accepted the offer, so, if you're not sure…"

"Are you?" I asked.

His kiss left no doubt, and when he pulled away his eyes were sincere, filled with hope. "You could walk to your office."

"My office," I repeated. It would eventually be mine.

"Let me do this for us."

"Edward?" I asked, taking his jaw in my hand. His eyelids fluttered, and he pressed them closed and took a breath.

"Baby?" he asked, and when he opened his eyes they nearly glowed. Edward brushed my hair behind my ear and I could feel the tension he held even in his fingertips as he waited for my response.

"Now, after this, after buying us a home…well, how many times will I have to say thank you, now?" I asked.

I loved how Edward looked when he smiled – really smiled, when that genuine happiness shone through like the sun, lighting him up in color when the world was gray. He kissed me and he wrapped his arms around me, and we swayed to the poppy electronic chanting.

_I don't care for fancy things_

_Or to take part in the freshest wave,_

_But to provide for mine who ask_

_I will, with heart, on my father's grave_

_On my father's grave_

"Thank you," I murmured, and I could still feel the smile on his lips as he kissed along my jaw.

"Thank you," I repeated with a kiss behind his ear. "Thank you, Edward." My hands trailed over his pecs and down his abs; my fingers felt their way along his waistband until I was holding his hips in my hand.

"Thank you," I whispered as our eyes met.

"Would you live here with me, Bella?"

"Yes."

His smile grew; I hadn't thought it was possible.

"Will you sleep in this big fucking bed with me?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Sleep?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders. "Among other things."

But it had been so long, and it was so different that I didn't think either of us knew what to do or where to start. His hands rested gingerly on my shoulders, mine on his hips. Our kisses were soft at first, languid and loving, and I moved closer, feeling bolder, suddenly desperate to have his body flush with mine.

It was overwhelming, and terrifying, and exciting all at once, because, the thing was, I always knew there was a difference between fucking and sex, and between sex and that cringe-worthy phrase: making love. I'm sure that Edward and I made love before. But I, for one, never understood what it meant, not until now. As it turned out, I'd needed the practice just as much as Edward had. I needed to understand that this feeling was ephemeral, and that this life was fleeting, and when you found fingers and lips and, well… penises that could make you feel this way, when you found a heart that held you tight, and a person who was good to the core, it was more precious than words.

"You're sure?" he asked, breaking our kiss.

"God, yes. So – _fucking_ - sure." I'd said 'fuck' for Edward's benefit. His eyes lit and he caught his breath. He knew what I was doing.

I kissed him again, hard, as I tried to show him how certain I was, and my hands fumbled with the knot of his tie. Edward's hands flitted over my arms, until they found my waist. I could feel how much he wanted me, but he was so still, so careful, that when I finally had his tie undone, I had to step away.

"Everything's different, Bella," he murmured.

"I know," I quietly agreed.

"I'm afraid to hurt you."

"You're not going to."

"Or the peanut."

"He'll be fine."

"He?"

"Or she."

"I'm just afraid, B," he admitted and his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. "I've never done this before."

"Edward, this is the end of the date. You did it. Relax."

"Fuck the dating shit. That's not what I mean at all. I've never been with someone that's meant as much to me as you."

With those words, reservations no longer mattered. He understood what I was feeling, and we were in a house - _our_ house - and we had a bed, and there was nothing more that I wanted than to unbutton his shirt, to go for his belt buckle, to let him unzip my dress, and to let it fall to our feet with his suit pants.

His hands ran down my sides, over the swells of my breasts, to my waist, then my hips, holding my ass for a second, until he found the edge of my silk slip, and slipped it over my head.

And I pushed against his chest and pushed him onto the bed, so that I could climb onto his lap and straddle him. Like two kids in our underwear, we were necking and nervous and listening to a record. I was glad there was music pulsing in the background, because otherwise I'd be singing _Like a Virgin_ in my head, and that would definitely ruin the mood. As it was, the thought made me giggle.

"You're sure there's a peanut in there?" he asked, his eyes settling on my concave abdomen, his hands ghosting over my skinny thighs.

"Um," I hedged and unhooked my bra. Seated on his lap, my tits were in his face. And I lapped and nipped at his ear and his neck, and squirmed in his lap as his mouth showered attention on my swollen breasts, and his touch was sometimes too hard and sometimes too soft, but it didn't matter. I pressed myself against his cock with each suck and each bite, and he matched my rhythm with his hand on my ass, pushing me closer, pressing my pussy against him. The lights danced over his skin, and he lifted his hips, and his cock hit me, over, and over, hard. And it built and it stung and I was gasping. He bit down on my nipple and I nearly screamed in pleasure and pain.

It all turned up and over and I was left breathless on my back, as Edward licked and sucked his way from my neck, between my tits, over my flat belly, pushing apart my legs, pulling away my panties, spreading my legs wider.

His tongue and me sighing; his mouth and me gasping; his teeth and me arching my back off the bed… Oh my god, his finger and my hips bucking… He sucked at my swollen clit, and I needed more, immediately. I pulled his hair, I scratched at his shoulders looking for purchase.

"Edward I want… I want -"

I felt his hot breath on my pussy, and he grasped my hips, pulling my body towards him at the same time that he climbed onto the bed, so in one combined pull and push he was in-_fucking_-side.

"Fuck," he gasped as he froze with his head on my chest. We were breathing, and I adjusted my hips, and just like that, he was there.

"Christ," I muttered, bucking and pushing. I'd forgotten just how mind blowing and all consuming his dick could be.

"Jesus," Edward gasped again, trying to hold my hips still. "Fuck."

Then painfully slowly, he pulled back, nearly out, before he ground home again. And I gasped, or something that sounded like gurgling in the back of my throat, and again, faster, and again, harder, and again, his eyes found mine, and his lips found mine.

"Fucking… Christ… Bella," his lips murmured against me.

I couldn't keep up, I could only clutch, I could only scrape; I could only, only, only… come apart. That's how it felt, anyway, over and over, and over, and around him.

"Jesus."

"Fuck."

"Holy fuck."

"Christ."

And it may have been blasphemous, but it was definitely holy.

And after we caught our breath, and after we fell away from one another, and after we crawled under the blankets and brought our bodies together again, Edward wrapped his arms around me and couldn't quite meet my eyes. Instead, he laughed until his entire body shook and there were like tears in his eyes, until he noticed me watching him.

"All that fucking worry over three minutes," he chuckled and buried his head against my chest.

"_Three_ minutes?" I laughed back.

"Thirty seconds?" he tried.

"The best minute and a half of my life," I offered judiciously.

"Did I hurt you?"

"A little."

We talked about my tits, and he kept his hand over my belly a lot. He told me my pussy felt different, softer, and something else that he couldn't put into words. And we kissed, and before long we tried again under the blankets until we kicked them off.

Later, after he brought me water and I saw him walk into the bedroom long and muscular and sparkling under those silly lights strung from the bed, I realized that he'd be bringing me water there for years, maybe. At least, for a really long time. And we talked, and explored and learned about each other's bodies all over again, until somewhere between night and dawn, we fell asleep in one another's arms.

xXxXx

"_Wake up with me forever, B?"_

Warmth.

Hard, scratchy warmth.

Lips kissing behind my ear.

An arm around my waist.

"What?" I asked groggily as I blinked my eyes, because I could have dreamt it, but I was sure Edward whispered something just as I was waking - something _about_ waking.

There were lots of windows, and they were all tall and uncovered, and we were bathed in light, and surrounded by soft, downy white. It made the gold hairs on Edward's arms glimmer and his nails shined in the light as his fingers found my nipple, and as I squeezed my thighs together in response.

His dick settled between my ass cheeks, pressing, searching for friction, and his free hand found my clit. And slowly and sleepily, as he held me against him, he slipped inside. We mumbled silly words that might have made me blush - things you only said to that one person that would understand. Things about love, about life, about never knowing that it could be like this. As it built and it built and we both came closer, he kept a hand over my belly and a hand over my tits as he crushed my body against him.

Afterwards, I was still sleepy with sore muscles and chapped lips, and I rolled over, and we held each other - with our hands and in our eyes. I knew we'd have to get dressed and go home, back to Ness, and back to packing, and back to work. But for now, I was content.

And as my eyes scanned the big barren room, and they settled on the old fashioned record player, something silly clicked in my head. "I was wrong," I laughed. "You totally _Dirty Dancing_-dated me. Who do you think you are, Patrick Swayze?"

He laughed and blushed. "It fucking worked, didn't it?"

"So, you're a pretty boy that watches girlie movies, and listens to music that makes you emo sad," I teased.

"If you fucking tell anyone…"

"You're secret's safe with me," I said as I rolled onto his chest and ran my hands through his hair. "You're safe with me. I love you, Edward."

"So, did I do it?" he asked. "Did I date the hell out of you?"

"Can't you tell?" I asked wrapping my bare legs around him, propping myself up on my elbows so that my nipples swayed and rubbed against his chest.

"So you're happy?" he asked.

"Finally."

"And you love me?" he asked.

"Of course."

"Then I have something to ask you, Bella," Edward said, as his face became more serious and he swallowed. His fingers fidgeted with the ends of my hair

"Yeah?"

"It's something that, I don't know, you might have reservations about, but it would mean a lot to me, and to the rest of my family…"

I held my breath and Edward held my face in his hands. I waited.

"Would you be my date to Emmett and Rosalie's engagement party?"

I waited, and blinked… and breathed, finally.

"Yes."

Edward ran a hand through my hair and kissed my forehead. I sighed.

"Bella?"

"Uh huh?"

He waited, he blinked, and he looked ashamed and nervous all over again.

"Would you have said yes just now?"

I didn't hesitate.

"I would."

* * *

**Next up for TPoL**: Two epilogues, and at least three out-takes. The Epi's should be up on Mondays as usual, and Author Alert me so you know when the out-takes are posted. The first out-take that will be published is for The Fandom Against Domnestic Violence. To find out how you can donate and be among the first to read **TPoL: One for the Mammary Books**, please go to: **http:/fandomagainstdomesticviolence . blogspot . com/p/how-to-donate . html**

I want to thank my readers for nominating TPoL for **EIGHT** separate awards recently! I would be honored if you voted:

In the **Golden Lemons Awards: http:/www . goldenlemonawards . com/** (Best I totally thought they were going to get it on but they didn't Lemon, for when little Bell walked in on Bella and Ness, and Best Tender Moment for when B & E talked about their scars).

In the **Walk of Fame Awards: http:/www . twinklingswfa . blogspot . com/** (Six nominations, loads of nominees!)

There are so many people I'd like to thank, and I'll try to tag on names with each of the upcoming epi's. But first I want to thank my amazingly understanding husband and daughter. Without those two in my lives, I wouldn't even understand how to write about Bella, Edward and Nessie's bond.

And slaps and thanks to the ladies at TFFA who have become my pervy on-line fandom family.

Finally, I'm so blown away by all of your reviews... Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

Until next week, xxx, M


	37. Chapter 34 Epilogue 1

**EPOV**

Bella leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed. I lifted the armrest so that I could wrap my arm around her and pull her body next to mine. "Thanks, baby," she mumbled, half asleep and snuggling closer. Bella was exhausted; it was the kind of exhaustion where she had to keep herself in constant motion, because when she rested for a minute she'd either fall asleep or fall apart. I was relieved that her body had chosen the sleep option on our transcontinental flight. With two kids in a small space for six fucking hours, a breakdown would have been messy to say the least.

I understood, though. The fact of the matter is that Bella was running Carlisle's practice in everything but name and she wasn't sleeping. I did the best I could to help her out, but I was seriously limited by biology - biology and my son, to be exact. After long days without his mom, Will refused anything except her boobs at night. I didn't blame the kid one bit, but at least I had the decency to let her sleep. He was a relentless little glutton. If he weren't so goddamned cute, I would have put an end to his shit, immediately.

Everyone said he looked like me. Honestly, I had no fucking idea I was that good looking… or that fat: three chins, big rolls around his elbows, knees and wrists, and sausages for fingers. No, I wasn't convinced. Granted, he had my eyes, but Bella'd birthed a kid that was built like Emmett. Will was the biggest, fattest peanut on the planet.

His size made Bella inordinately proud, that and the fact that he was full-term at birth, and that his birth had been calm and peaceful and uncomplicated. Despite Bella's exhaustion and the fact that she never stopped for a second, I knew she was happier than she'd ever been before.

_Pfftllllsffftt-splat_

"Oh no," Bella sighed, lifting her head and gazing at her son.

"I've got it, baby."

"Really?" she asked skeptically, eyebrows arched.

I eyed the bathroom lights at the front and the back of the cabin, looking for one that was unoccupied. "Who the fuck would do this more thoroughly than I would?" I asked.

"Hey," Bella admonished and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I knew exactly what she was warning me about.

"Baby, Ness is asleep, and I could swear a fucking blue streak and this one wouldn't know the difference," I said as I lifted my smelly son out of her arms.

"Goo," my son agreed waving his chubby fists at me.

"Fucking goddamn, kid, you're heavier than you were twenty minutes ago. It must be all that shit that just came out of your ass," I babbled to prove my point - in a silly high-pitched baby voice that I never, ever dreamed I'd use. I couldn't help it with The Peanut, though. He brought that shit out of me: smiles, and coos, and silly faces with wide eyes and lots of tongue.

Will tried out his newest feat and gave me a big, gummy smile. "Goo! Dha!"

"See, B, he doesn't give a shit," I laughed.

Will gurgled and kicked his legs and I could feel warm shit sliding down the back of his thighs under his onesie thingy. I looked around for the diaper bag, beginning to dread the task at hand. It wasn't so much Will's shit that had my stomach churning, but the fucking airplane bathroom. Faced with all of those unknown germs, baby poop would probably be the sweetest, most welcome thing in there.

"Edward, his first word's going to be fuck," Bella continued to protest, but her voice had lost its edge. The fact of the matter was that if I threw out a couple more 'fuck's I'd probably earn a fucking kiss, maybe even a grope. She still liked that kind of thing when we were in the privacy of our big bed.

But after the parent teacher conference where we found out that Little Bell told a bully on the playground to "fuck off", mentioned during show-and-tell that her little brother was the "best fucking baby, ever", and glanced at a classmate's painting and said "that shit is fucked", well, we instituted new rules at home.

I won't lie, though; I was silently proud of Little Bell. She could swear like a little sailor; she swore well, and she swore appropriately. It left no doubt that she was my kid.

I glanced over at Little Bell while I juggled Will and his diaper bag. She was curled in a ball in the window seat, her long curls splayed around her head in wild disarray as she slept soundly. This last year had been the best year of my fucking life, but it hadn't been an easy one. The legal wrangling that was still ongoing to officially make Little Bell my daughter had been the very least of it.

xXxXx

"But… but, but mama, you say-ed that Ewoord can't be a daddy in a two-minute way!" Ness argued after we'd explained that Bella was pregnant.

"We didn't think so," Bella reasoned.

"But then he _do'ed_ it anyway… to _you_?" Ness puzzled.

Bella tried to suppress a loaded smile as she grasped my hand in hers. "He did."

"But, Ewoord, you say-ed you _can't_ be my daddy in a two-minute way!" Nessie protested, standing to her feet, her hands on her hips. The pastel ponies that had been piled on her lap tumbled to the floor. I knelt down so that the two of us were at eye level.

"If I could go back and be your daddy in the two-minute way, I would, Little Bell. But then you wouldn't be you. I'll still be your daddy any way I can be."

"But not in a two-minute way?"

"No."

"But that's not fair!" Ness shouted, stomping her foot on the ground. "I asked first! Not this nother baby!"

"Ness," Bella began, moving to take Little Bell into her arms. But Ness pulled her arm away and ran out of the room.

Ness was grouchy and uncommunicative for the rest of the day. Bella and I each tried to talk to her, but she'd shout in our faces and stomp off to her room and slam the door. Later that evening I was in my office, pouring over PLA financial statements, when I caught the edge of a shadow slinking into the room.

"Edward?" Ness whispered. (By that point she'd stopped using the Japanese pronunciation of my name).

I swiveled my chair and spotted her little body pressed into a corner, regarding me shyly.

"Little Bell? Baby?"

Ness ran across the room and jumped onto my lap. She hid her face against me, and loud sobs ripped through her little chest.

"Baby," I cooed, rocking her and rubbing her back. "Oh, baby."

Bella stopped in the open doorway, but I shook my head and shoed her away. I didn't want to overwhelm Ness, so I decided to try to handle it on my own. Ness clung to me tightly as her little body shook with sobs. I held her like I'd done after Jake died: rocking and shushing, and finally humming Chopin under my breath. Eventually, Nessie's breathing became slow and steady and her sobs subsided to a quiet whimper.

"Am I still be your daughter, Edward?" Nessie whispered in a voice so small I could hardly make out the words.

"Oh, baby, of course."

Nessie very cautiously looked up into my face. Her brown eyes were wet and rimmed with pink.

"But what about a two-minute baby?" she asked.

"I'll be their daddy too."

"But you'll lo' that baby more? Right?"

"Nessie, baby… Here's the thing: I can't love anyone more than I love you. Any more and my heart would burst. I loved you from the moment I met you and I've thought about you and your mommy every day since. I love you as much as it's possible to love."

"Up to the sky?" she asked breathlessly.

"Higher."

Nessie's eyes filled with hope. "Up to the moon?"

"Higher."

"That's really high, Edward."

"It is, Little Bell."

That wasn't the end of it, though. After everything that happened with Jake, Nessie had been counting on Bella and I to provide her with a stable family unit - a family that The Peanut threatened to undermine. In Nessie's eyes, sonogram pictures, Bella's growing belly, and preparations for the nursery were all signs of impending doom. Whereas Ness had clung to Bella in the days and weeks following Jake's murder, after learning about the baby she viewed Bella as a traitor, and would avoid her at all costs. She was prone to tantrums and slamming doors, and every once in a while one of the baby's things would find it's way into the trash. Ness often found solace in my arms as I told her I'd never leave her, and I'd never love the new baby more.

"Just in a different way?" she asked one night.

"I don't know," I answered honestly before I could stop myself. I immediately regretted it, but Ness seemed to appreciate my candor.

"Will you tell me if it's a different way when you meet that baby, Edward?"

"Only if you'll tell me too, Little Bell."

"But, I don't love the two-minute baby," she confessed.

That didn't last long, though. Nessie fell in love as soon as she set eyes on Will. At first it was cautious, with small strokes and timid hugs. Until the first time she held Will on her lap, so careful, so rapt, mumbling little things to him, tickling the soles of his chubby feet. After that, Ness loved Will fiercely, protectively.

"It _is _different, Edward," Ness whispered as Will clutched one of her fingers in his tiny fist.

"See how he's looking at you, Little Bell? He loves his big sister."

"I lo' him too. A lot."

"I love you both a lot."

"To the moon?"

"Higher."

"I think I lo' him that much, too."

xXxXx

I know I was biased, but as I gazed down at Will on the changing station, giggling and gurgling, kicking his legs like being naked and slathered in shit in an airplane bathroom was right up there with lollipops and rainbows, I couldn't imagine how anyone couldn't love him. Actually, I hadn't met anyone yet that didn't love him.

It goes without saying that Esme was beside herself with joy. Not only had her dreams of being a grandmother been fulfilled twofold with Little Bell and Will, but she finally had me in her family, right where she'd always wanted me.

Alice doted on Will with ridiculous outfits and never-ending offers to babysit. Bella and I always knew when Alice was back in town after visiting J, because she'd show up on our doorstep with an armload of baby clothes, trying to shoe us out of the house.

Then there was Emmett; he'd already virtually drafted Will to play football at Penn.

"You don't have to play football if you don't want to, kid," I cooed as I wiped the shit from my son's legs and simultaneously tried not to touch the grimy bathroom walls. "Whatever the fuck you want to do is fine with me. Unless you want to move out and live on the street like your old man. Then you'll feel my wrath, you big Peanut."

Will giggled and waved his little fists at me. He wasn't fucking scared. Of course, how could the little guy know fear when he was so universally loved? He'd been adored even before he was born…

xXxXx

After telling Ness about her pregnancy, Bella had assumed that we couldn't wait long to tell the rest of the family. Part of me wanted to tell Bella that I was ninety-nine percent sure that Esme and all the rest of them already knew about The Peanut, but I was too nervous that she'd get angry once I explained that Alice told Carlisle, who in turn told Esme. Given the fact that Esme probably had that information for at least a month, there was no telling how many people were up-to-date on the state of Bella's womb.

As Bella got ready for Sunday dinner where she'd planned on making the announcement, I could tell that she was nervous.

I wrapped my arms around her from behind. "You look beautiful, baby," I murmured trying to distract her from her worry. I wasn't lying. Over the past month Bella's cheeks had filled out, and her body had this new shape, with tits and hips and an ass that I could grab. I fucking loved skinny Bella, but pregnant Bella was goddamned irresistible too.

"They're going to know, Edward. You know, about me and you and Jake. You know, when I tell them how far along I am."

"No one will give a shit, B. You're going to fucking make Esme's decade."

That night, after dinner, Bella gripped my hand tightly in hers and her eyes silently pled with me to get things started.

"So, um, ahem," I cleared my throat, trying to get my family's attention, but with so many people at the dinner table, it was difficult to get everyone to quiet down at once. "Ahem," I tried again.

"Edward is trying a talk!" Little Bell shouted. Everyone laughed, but it did the trick. They gave me their undivided attention.

"Bella and I have something we'd like to tell you all."

Alice squealed and clapped her hands in anticipation, and Rose clutched Bella's hand from across the table.

"An announcement?" Esme asked hopefully. "At a family dinner?"

"Man your battle stations," Emmett chuckled, before taking a swig of beer. "Shit like this doesn't always go over well."

"Emmett," Carlisle warned. "There'll be no arguments this evening. Is that clear?"

"You should have warned me, Edward" Esme continued, ignoring Emmett entirely. "I'd have champagne ready."

"Well, uh, baby?" I asked, squeezing Bella's hand.

Bella glanced around the full table, from Nessie at her side, to Alice and J, to Carlisle at the head of the table, to Emmett and Rosalie, then to Esme, until her eyes settled on me. She was so pretty when she was nervous, with flushed cheeks and bright eyes, that I couldn't help leaning in for a quick kiss. I squeezed her hand in encouragement.

"Well, um, you see, uh…" Bella stammered. "There's something big, I mean, not big yet, I, uh -"

"Edward's gonna be a daddy in a two-minute way," Nessie huffed, folding her arms across her chest in protest. "An' a baby's in mama's belly. Even though they said he couldn't do it. He did it. An' it maked me really mad!"

Silence reigned. J coughed nervously.

"I'm pregnant," Bella announced, albeit a couple minutes too late.

"What?" Rosalie asked.

"With Edward's baby," Bella clarified, just in case anyone had doubts.

"Well, what an enormous surprise," Esme cheered, a little more stiff than was natural.

"That's not -" Emmett began saying, before Rosalie kicked him under the table. "I mean, holy shit, I definitely didn't see that coming," Emmett laughed, shaking his head at Rose.

Before long, everyone was out of their seats giving hugs and handshakes and words of comfort to an agitated Little Bell.

"_This_ was your surprise, Edward?" Esme murmured in my ear as she gave me a hug.

"I can't help it if Alice and Carlisle have big mouths," I replied by way of an excuse.

"What's that?" Bella asked, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"I was expecting a different announcement, dear," Esme stated, looking me square in the eye.

"No, not yet," Bella said, as she went on tiptoe to give me a kiss. "Not yet," she repeated as she held me tight. She didn't have anything to worry about and she knew it. It was only a matter of finding the right time.

xXxXx

"I was afraid you fell in, honey," Bella laughed as I made my way back to the seat with Will.

"Then you'd be all poopy," Ness laughed, "and Will would be all poopy too. The boys would be poopy!" she giggled uncontrollably, cracking herself up.

"Very fuc-, very funny," I said, as I handed Will off, and searched through my carry-on for some hand sanitizer. I didn't trust the shit they stocked in the bathroom. "I'm a saint for doing that, and what do I get? Poop?" That elicited another round of laughter from Ness.

"I really appreciate it," Bella assured me with a quick kiss. "Everything: diaper changing, packing… coming to Washington with us. I know this trip isn't exactly at the top of your to-do list."

"I'm your husband, B. It might be uncomfortable, but where else am I supposed to be while my family's three thousand miles away?"

"An' Edward wants a go to a beach," Ness added.

"And you _were_ requested by name," Bella reminded me, squeezing my hand.

Bella had been avoiding making this trip back home for quite a while. Her hometown was small, and news of the involvement of Bella's ex-husband and his sister in Jake's murder, coupled with news about Bella's pregnancy by someone besides Jake, had rumor mills running overtime.

But after the Philly PD finally released Jake's belongings from evidence, Bella knew that she owed his father more than a package in the mail. So Bella placed a call, and Billy put in his request: he wanted to meet Bella's baby and her new husband.

The pilot's voice came over the loud speaker and asked the flight attendants to prepare for landing. Will kicked in Bella's arms and grabbed for her boobs.

"He's so hungry all a time," Little Bell observed.

"The kid's got a one-track mind," I added.

"He takes after his daddy," Bella laughed as Will gurgled excitedly at the sight of her nipple and the plane started its descent towards Port Angeles.

xXxXx

"There's my grandbabies!" Charlie Swan called from the other side of the baggage area at the tiny airport. He hadn't changed much in a year; he had the same salt and pepper hair, the same moustache, and I could be wrong, but it looked like the same flannel shirt as well.

"Grandpa!" Ness cheered as she dashed through the crowd and jumped into Charlie's waiting arms.

"You're sure this was a good idea, B?" I asked. But Bella didn't hear me because she was already following Nessie's lead and impatiently making her way to her dad.

"Hi, daddy," Bella squealed.

"I'll get to you later, Bells. Let me see this big boy here," Charlie asked, picking Will up with some effort. "You sure he's yours, pumpkin? This big fella?"

"Well, mine and Edward's," Bella reminded her dad, wrapping her arm around my waist.

"Good to see you again, sir," I said with a nod of my head. Between Ness clinging to him like a little monkey and Will, Charlie wasn't in any position to shake my hand.

"Edward," Charlie coughed. The man had never exactly warmed to me; that was for fucking sure. From the way we'd first met, to my lack of hunting, fishing or tracking skills, to my hopeless lack of knowledge about the Seattle Mariners, I'd been doomed from the start.

It was clear, though, that Bella's dad was conflicted. I didn't know exactly how much Bella told Charlie about James, Victoria and Jake, but he was at least given the broad strokes. We'd shared an awkward phone conversation about a month after Bella and I moved in together.

"_Edward, right?" Charlie'd asked after I'd answered the phone, like there might be some other man answering Bella's line._

"_Mr. Swan?"_

"_It's, er, good I caught you, Edward. Bells told me some of what you did for her, and I need to thank you."_

"_I'd do it all over again, sir. Everything in my power to keep my family safe."_

_Charlie coughed on the other end of the line. "Is there something going on that I don't know about, Edward?"_

_At that point I hadn't even proposed to Bella yet and I wasn't certain that Bella had told Charlie about The Peanut._

"_You're calling here, so I assume that you know we moved in together," I offered in lieu of any other information._

"_Your _family_?"_

"_Yes, sir."_

"_Well, yeah… At any rate, I appreciate it more than you know, Edward. Bella keeps too much to herself. She tries to solve everything on her own. She didn't tell me even half of all of this while it was happening. I'm glad she let you help her, and I'm glad that you did."_

"_Thanks."_

But it didn't mean the man liked me. He was uneasily tolerant at best. He made me sit in the back of the cruiser on our way back to his home, on the fucking middle hump, for god's fucking sake. Will was to one side of me in his car seat, and Nessie had her nose pressed up against the window on the other side.

I could put up with Charlie Swan, though. Finally, we were driving down a winding road with evergreens towering over our heads, catching glimpses of impossibly blue lakes on one side and the churning Pacific on the other. I quickly decided that I'd never really seen green before this trip, and I wondered how Bella could have let go of the color so easily. I ducked my head, trying to get a better view of everything, trying to imagine Bella as a child, riding in the shadow of those giant trees. I couldn't wait for a chance to get her alone so that she could point out landmarks and tell me stories from when she was a kid.

"Lynne's made London Broil just for you guys," Charlie informed us as he turned down a small residential street.

"Dad," Bella hissed, nodding in my general direction.

"I know, pumpkin. She made a salad too," Charlie grumbled as his eyes met mine in the rearview mirror.

xXxXx

Jacob's father's house was little more than a whitewashed wood cabin set in a small clearing along side a dense evergreen forest. The woods here were wild: tree limbs hanging with moss, treetops lost in the low hanging clouds, thick with ferny underbrush, and alive with footfalls and strange animal cries.

Billy Black met us at the front door. His leathery face was covered with deep etched lines, and his thick hair was a study in shades of gray. But his black eyes were alive with cheer.

I hung back, uncomfortable to say the fucking least. Decency normally would have kept me miles from this place. My only small consolation was that Jacob's father was wheelchair bound, and any confrontation would be verbal.

"Daughter!" Billy Black cheered, a warm smile on his face. "Who have you brought me today?"

"It's me, Grandpa Billy!" Nessie called, jumping into Billy's waiting lap.

"Who's this big girl named 'me'?" Billy asked with a deep laugh. "Because you're too tall to be my Muskrat."

"But I am, Grandpa Billy! I am! I'm your muskrat! Nessie!"

"_Yo_u're Vanessa? Are you sure? I thought that was Vanessa over there in her mama's arms."

Nessie giggled. "_No_, that's not a muskrat, Grandpa Billy. He's a _boy_, and he's a peanut!"

"I confess it's been a while since I've seen a peanut, but it looks like they're growing them bigger than they used to," Billy laughed.

Bella gave Billy a careful one-armed hug, but Billy clung to her fiercely, and then cradled Will carefully in his free arm. "He doesn't look anything like you, daughter," Billy said in a much quieter voice. "William Masen, do I have that right, Isabella?"

"Yes," Bella nodded. "We call him Will."

"That's a good strong name, Isabella. It'll serve this boy well. I'm not biased in the least, mind you."

"I'm sorry I didn't ask first. I hoped you wouldn't mind," Bella murmured, shyly meeting Billy's eyes.

"I'm honored, Isabella." Jacob's father cast his black eyes on me. I was suddenly startled by the resemblance he bore to his son. They shared the same eyes, just like Will and I did. "There's no doubt that this is the boy's father, is there?" Billy asked, juggling two kids but still managing to extend a hand to me.

"That's my daddy ina takesa longtimeway," Nessie explained. "Edward."

Billy nearly crushed my fingers with a hearty shake. "Edward, Charlie told me everything you did for my boy after he was gone. I have you to thank for bringing Jacob honor in death."

"Sir, no, I don't -"

"You can't protest, and you can't call me Sir. Billy, please."

"Sure, Billy."

"Now, let's get inside before this little man takes a chill," he said, tickling Will underneath his chins. "We have the house to ourselves today. My daughters couldn't be persuaded to meet this little one. They're poorer for it, that's for sure."

"I understand," Bella sighed, and I wrapped a protective arm around her.

"Well, you're a better person than me, Isabella. Because what I understand is that Jacob wanted you to be happy and safe. It was more important to him than his own life. And here you are, living happily, with a good strong man by your side. I'm not saying Jacob wouldn't have been jealous, that he wouldn't have dealt with his share of anger over it, but I rest assured knowing he's at peace seeing how well you live."

"Thank you, Billy," Bella murmured.

"No thanks about it, Daughter. Now please, let's get your family inside."

xXxXx

"I was a mess the last time I was here," Bella murmured as we walked hand-in-hand along the shoreline at First Beach. "All I had was Nessie… and your note."

She could have had me, but that shit was in the past. I didn't bring it up, I simply let Will clutch at my fingers and beat his heels against my upper thighs. Bella had guilted me into strapping him into this contraption that hung from my chest. I looked like an idiot, but Will fucking loved the thing.

"You had this guy," I reminded her, kissing the top of Will's head.

"I'd just figured that out," Bella said with a weak smile. "And I was really excited. Something besides sad and guilty and worried for a change… I was so excited," she repeated in baby talk, rubbing the tip of Will's nose so that he gurgled and cooed. "You started making me happy, Peanut, back when you were just a peanut."

"Bloo!" Will cheered.

"You're still happy, B?"

"I wouldn't think you have to ask," Bella said, running her hand over my ass and playfully pinching. The sea swells were reflected in her eyes, and the churning ebony and gray mirrored the unruly landscape around us.

"You're sure?" I asked again. "It's just that you're so tired, and I'm always working, and the salary I'm pulling -"

"Don't even start that, Edward. Were both doing what we love. And I'm with you; I'm _married_ to you. In my wildest dreams, I never would have guessed -"

"Don't feed me that crap, Dr. Swan," I laughed, brushing her hair out of her face. "Because I'm pretty sure that you and Rosalie had this whole scenario mapped out over margaritas. Bigger boobs and all."

"She didn't!" Bella gasped, folding her arms across her chest, as if that could hide her tits.

"Right down to all the ways you two found to thank me on our first date, Dr. Swan. I must confess, I feel somewhat played."

Bella blushed, but held her ground. "Whatever, Mr. Masen. I'll have you know that I've spoken to a certain ex- pro football player, who _may_ have mentioned you nearly throwing him against the wall when he told you he might ask me on a date. Not to mention a few crude remarks about the frequency with which you washed your sheets after you met me. Don't tell me you didn't think about me too."

"I fucking fantasized the hell out of you, Dr. Swan. Don't ever doubt it." I proved it with a kiss, and Bella sighed against my lips.

"Glah," Will announced, and Bella and I moved apart with a laugh.

"You're happy then, Edward?" Bella asked.

"Fucking gloriously happy, B. It took some time, but I finally managed to check off everything on my prescription."

"Hmm," Bella mused, trying to act serious, but failing miserably and laughing. "Indulgent food, in moderation?"

"London broil," I countered, shuddering at the memory. What wouldn't I fucking do for this woman?

"You didn't have to eat that," she laughed, playfully punching my arm.

"Like hell I didn't. I can't do enough to win over that man."

Bella gave me a look that let me know it was hopeless - no matter how much red meat I ate for Charlie Swan. "I'm his little girl, Edward."

"And I'm not Jake."

Bella's eyes dimmed, and she looked out over the water. I'd stuck my foot in my fucking mouth. I grabbed her hand again, willing her good mood back.

"Music, to auditory tolerance?" Bella asked quietly.

"Have you seen the way me and Ness dance around the living room to that new Mike Snow album?"

"Okay, I'll give you that, for Mike Snow and also for the piano lessons you and Nessie take. That's far past _my_ auditory tolerance, by the way."

"She's just learning, Bella," I protested.

"Who says I was talking about Ness?" Bella laughed.

"Thanks a fucking lot," I grumbled playfully, but I knew Bella was joking. She loved to hear me play. Sometimes on Sundays after we'd go for our weekly run, and after we came back and, uh, _showered_, she'd sit next to me on the piano bench, her body all relaxed, and she'd fall against me as I let my fingers tell her how I felt.

"I don't have to ask about family - _at all_," she continued. She was right about that one. Between Carlisle and Rosalie's constant presence at Bella's office, to Alice and Nessie's after school design sessions, to J and Esme's contributions to the PLA - we were surrounded by my family. And somehow, for the first time, I seemed to fit into it all.

"Family goes without saying," I agreed. "And, _usually_ you wouldn't have to ask about the next bullet point, either," I added. This time I was the one that let my hand drift over her ass. "But _seriously_, a pull-out couch in your father's living room? It's like the man's determined that I don't get into your pants. We're fucking married."

Bella didn't answer. Instead, she stared off towards the horizon with a distant look in her eyes. Other people might not have noticed, but I could see a subtle pale pink glow spreading from her cheeks to her ears.

"Hey, earth to B." I said, pinching her butt to get her attention. Bella jumped and swatted at my hand and tried to push me away.

"I'm not letting it go that easy, Bella. Penny for your thoughts about the practice of procreation." I actually managed to pull a penny out of my pocket.

"I was just thinking about… my office," Bella admitted. She stopped walking, hooked her fingers through the belt loops of my jeans and pulled me closer. Well, as close as we could get with Will strapped to my chest between us.

Christ, her office, one random Saturday… and Bella naked except for a little white lab coat and a stethoscope. "We'll have to do that again sometime," I murmured, biting my lip, fighting the fucking hard on that was threatening, even as my son's heels kicked on either side of my dick.

"Or maybe next time I'll be Erin Brokovich," Bella suggested with a smile. "You know, while I've still got the boobs."

"I'm sure Esme would let us use the beach house," I laughed. "That lifeguard stand."

"The shower," she added.

"Those bunk beds."

"The bunk beds?"

"Don't you know how badly I wanted to do you on those bunk beds that night? I mean, if Ness wasn't there," I quickly amended.

"Footwear?" Bella giggled, taking my hand and leading us further down the beach.

"Footwear?" I had no fucking clue what that had to do with the practice of procreation.

"The next bullet point on the prescription," Bella explained. "That's the stupidest part of the list, by the way."

"I kind of made you add it, B. I was being a dick."

"You were flirting."

"Back then, being a dick and flirting were kind of the same thing for me."

"Un uh," Bella protested. "You were so sweet that afternoon… and kind of confident, and hot. You can flirt with me that way any day, Mr. Masen."

I tried to act all confident and hot as I took Bella's face in my hands and pulled her in for another kiss, but my son had other ideas. Will kicked off of my thighs and bucked his head, whacking the top of his skull against my jaw.

"Shit," I yelped as Will began wailing. "Shit, Peanut, are you okay? Bella, is he okay?"

Bella calmly took Will's head in her hands, deftly running her fingerpads over his scalp.

"Soft spots my ass," I muttered. "The kid's got one hard fucking head."

"Is Will okay?" Nessie called, running over from where she'd been using driftwood logs as balance beams.

"Your brother just bumped his head on daddy's big jaw," Bella giggled. "I think they'll both live."

"Hey, Little Will," Nessie cooed, tugging on her brother's foot. "Mama's a doctor, and she say-ed you're okay."

Will didn't believe either of them, though, and his cries quickly turned to screams.

"Nothing a little breast milk won't take care of," Bella decided as she pulled Will up and out of his contraption and found a place to sit on a large piece of driftwood. "Footwear?" Bella asked again once she was settled and Will was slurping away at her breast.

"Shit, Bella, we share a closet. You know all about my footwear."

"Just checking in, Edward," she laughed. "You know, to make sure they're comfortable and durable, and all. It was the first bullet point you added. It must have been very important for you, and your happiness."

"We're all fucking good in terms of shoes, B," I assured her with a roll of my eyes.

"Okay, well here's another one... How is it possible that you're happy when neither of us are sleeping?" Bella asked. "You added sleep to the list too."

"I should have left the prescription writing to you," I said with a shrug. "Turns out it's not absolutely necessary." I was pretty sure, though, that if I were getting consistent sleep I'd be fucking euphoric.

"And then there's the last one," Bella added quietly. "Letting go…"

"I let all that shit go a while ago, Bella," I said rubbing her thigh, shuffling my track shoes in the rocky sand.

"Yeah… Hey, you know the note you gave me with your care package, Edward?"

"How could I forget?"

"You wrote that you knew it was too soon for me to let go."

"It was."

"It was," she agreed. "But now…" Bella pulled a small blue-ish gray stone from her pocket. "I got this stone back with Jake's stuff. At first I was going to keep it, but then I realized that it didn't belong in Philly anymore. This belongs here, with Jake, with _his_ family."

Bella set the stone at her feet. I had the bizarre impulse to reach over and pick it up and keep it safe so that it wouldn't get mixed in with the other rocks.

"I'm ready to let go, Edward."

"You're sure, baby?"

Bella wiped tears from her eyes. "Yep. I am."

This time, with Will happily nursing, he didn't get in the way of our kiss. I held my wife, my love, my life in my hands, and prayed that I wouldn't have to let her go for a long, long fucking time.

"I love you, Edward Masen, and you've made me extremely happy."

"Fuck, Bella, I was never happy until I found you."

"Are you ready to go?" she asked, pulling Will off of her boob and wiping his mouth.

I took a look around at the beach: the steep cliffs and omnipresent evergreens to one side, and the jagged rock islands rising out of the water on the other. It was wild and beautiful and dynamic – you could actually see nature at work forming the landscape. It was the kind of place where you could easily imagine a rogue wave, or the earth opening up underneath you, or mountains rising from the surf. Anything could happen, you just had to be strong and fearless enough to face it. I could see how someone as strong as Bella could have come from a place like this, but I was eternally grateful that she belonged on the other side of the continent with me.

"Yeah, Bella, let's go."

* * *

A/N: One more epilogue next week. Sigh.

If you'd like to read more about Will's birth, or that sexy doctor role-play I alluded to in this epi, both were covered in the out-take: **TPOL, One for the Mammary Books**. If you donate to Fandom Against Domestic Violence, you can get a copy now. Here's the link: **http:/fandomagainstdomesticviolence . blogspot . com/p/how-to-donate . html ** Otherwise, it will be posted to this site on March 18th.

Other out-takes, including the proposal and wedding will be forthcoming… for **FGB for Autism Awareness** and **Fandom Fights the Floods. **Please make sure you have me on Author Alert so you know when the out-takes are posted.

I want to thank Lindz, my fearless beta. She convinced me that this story was worth writing, and she's stuck by me for just over six months now. And I want to thank fuzzyltlwingedthing who jumped on board mid-way through as my banner maker, fangirl and pre-reader all in one. Also, thanks to Twi-Muses, The Fictionators, TwiFic Bitches, The Twigasm, and many, many others, for rec'ing my fic…

And, of course…. THANKS so much to each and every one of you that have taken the time to read and review. Your words have been wonderful payment; I just wish I could use it for the mortgage and stuff.

Just one more after this! Until next week, xxx, M


	38. Chapter 35 Epilogue 2

**A/N: This epilogue came to me many months ago, so I've been saying for a while now that there would be two TPoL epilogues. After I finished the first epilogue last week though, I think I realized that's where TPoL truly ended. However, you know I always try to keep my word, so I'm tacking this on anyway. I have cut it down a bit, and the full, unedited version will be the first out-take that I post.**

**Please take this piece of writing for what it is: either an imperfect ending or a gift to my readers for being AMAZING! The response to this story has warmed my heart, taken my breath away, made me laugh, and has gotten me through some really tough times. This started out as a story about fondling Edward's balls, and turned into something that's made me love my own family more. THANK YOU! M**

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* * *

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**BPOV**

I woke to quiet sunshine and warmth, and to large hands skimming over my skin; finding a home in the dip and flair of my hip. It was by far and away my favorite way to start the day.

A chapped kiss on the back of my neck… Warmth and soft down coming flush with my back… Lightweight cotton sheets ghosting over my bare skin…

"Baby?"

I sighed and pressed my backside against him in response. Edward growled in my ear, a playful and needy and sexy sound - all rolled into one.

Morning sex was another favorite of mine.

But today's date came to me in a rush of consciousness and I jumped to a sitting position, the sheets falling around my hips.

Hands around my waist…

"Not so fast, baby," he rasped.

Kisses to my lower back… Warm breath washing over my skin.

"As fucking beautiful as the day we met," he mumbled, his hands sliding from my waist, between my thighs.

He was a liar.

"I was a mess that day," I laughed, but his fingers were deft and my breath caught in my throat and my hand found his thigh; still muscular, his blond hair peppered with silver.

"A beautiful mess," he amended, and I could feel his lips curling into a smile against the dimples over my ass. His fingers slipped and twirled and dipped.

"Ditto, Mr. Masen," I breathed and rolled over, playfully pinning Edward's shoulders to the bed. "But this morning we have houseguests, _young_ houseguests with good hearing."

"Are you ready for today?" he asked, cupping my face with his free hand.

I blinked back the tears, reality hitting home once again. "I have to be."

He pulled my face to his, kissed away the tears, and then his lips found mine. "Don't cry, B."

Long fingers behind my head, tangling with my messy morning hair… Stubble scratching against my cheeks as his lips parted…

Edward's hand skimmed along my collarbone, then dipped to cradle the swell of my breast, until his fingers found my nipple, pressing, pinching, pulling. He knew what that did to me. He knew it well and he had years of experience. He knew I'd be rendered nearly powerless to object. I shifted my hips just so, skimming along his length. I couldn't say this had never gotten old; _we'd_ gotten old… somewhat. But that spark and that warmth nearly always returned; and it was reassuring and exciting and there was nowhere else I'd rather be… no one else's arms I'd rather be encircled by…. no one else's lips, or scent, or scruffy jaw, or fingers, so skilled, so studied in my own personal anatomy.

We were both surprised to hear soft rapping at the bedroom door.

"Mom? Dad?"

"Ness?"

"Mom, are you -"

"Um, Ness, right now's not -" Edward began as he struggled to find the crumpled sheet to pull over us.

I was the one that found the sheet and Edward only managed to find a pillow, and Nessie was suddenly in the doorway, her face bright red before she turned away. "Oh my god! You could have locked the door!"

"But that would take all the fucking fun out of it," Edward laughed, pulling the sheet over him as well.

I smacked his arm playfully.

"Jesus, Bella. She's getting married. I think I can say fuck around her by now."

"Saying fuck around me and doing it are two different things," we heard Ness muttering as she ducked out of the room and closed the door behind her.

"At least this time she didn't ask if she could get naked too," Edward laughed.

I smacked his arm again, and he pulled me in for another kiss.

xXxXx

**EPOV**

I made my way downstairs, past flustered young women all partially made up in pretty, poufy gowns. Most darted away embarrassed, while others smiled and waved and mistakenly called me Mr. Swan.

Nessie's bedroom door called out to me, but I resisted the urge to knock. I'd see her soon enough; we'd have our time. I'd always known this day would come. She was too loving, and family was too important, for Ness not to go out and make one of her own. I knew all the shit people spouted about not losing a daughter but gaining a son. It was just that: shit. Little Bell was at the heart of this operation from the beginning – her heart had been such a large part of what made the three, then four of us a family. Selfish or not, this was a loss. The idea that her heart would hold more than just us… I was a little jealous and, well, if I let myself go there, fucking bereft.

In matters of love, though, I trusted Little Bell more than I trusted myself. I knew this was right for her, so it would be right for me as well. It would fucking have to be.

My orders were to find Will and clear out, but I wasn't going anywhere without a cup of coffee. Facing five versions of Emmett in varying ages and sizes, plus Rosalie, required at least that much. I poured two cups and found my son in the living room. He was distracted enough by the feminine activity around us, though, that he didn't notice me at all.

I cleared my throat. "Manners, son."

Will coughed and laughed a little and finally acknowledged my presence. "_Manners_? When did you turn into Grandma Esme?"

"You're not going to get anywhere by leering at them, Will." Although, truthfully, I'd noticed the furtive looks a couple of Nessie's friends were throwing in Will's direction.

"I do just fine, dad, without your sage advice."

I was sure he did. Will was tall and handsome and built like a linebacker. At nineteen he lived on his own in New York, and was the lead singer in an emo-hardcore band, smart as fuck, and shy. Not to mention, he looked damn good in his tux.

But the kid was too much like me, and it worried me to no fucking end. Now that he was nineteen, the same age I was when my own life had come to a grinding halt, I was more irrationally anxious than ever. If I asked him about his balls, or reminded him about the genetic component of drug addiction one more time, I might just push him away for good. Fuck that, the kid loved his mom; he'd keep coming back for her, if nothing else. Thank god for Bella.

"We should get out of here, though, and let the women have this time to themselves. Emmett's expecting us."

Will rolled his eyes, another trait he'd picked up from me. "I've got to spend extra time with those boneheads, dad?"

"Fuck, Will. They're your cousins, and this is your sister's day. Act decent."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. I'll get my stuff."

Will could put on a good, snobbish, anti-football act, but leave him alone with Emmett's kids and pretend not to look, and there'd suddenly be a scrimmage match underway. Will was fucking good, too. It killed Emmett and made me pretty fucking happy all at the same time.

"What a waste of talent," Emmett would sigh.

"Not the way I see it," J would inevitably reply. Despite playing wildly differing genres of music, J was Will's third biggest fan, behind Bella and me, of course. If J had his way, Will would have been under contract a couple years ago, but my kid was determined to make it on his own. Yeah, fucking bullheaded and independent like his dad. It wasn't the most helpful personality trait, but he wasn't taking my advice on the matter. He never fucking did.

xXxXx

**LBPOV**

My dress was as simple as I could persuade Alice to make it. No matter how much I aged she still saw me as the little girl that helped make her lots of money by mixing mismatched patterns and pairing teal with kelly green. But much to Alice's dismay, the older I got the more my tastes aligned with my mom's – simple lines, basic colors, 'classy, but not enough sassy,' Alice would said with a disheartened sigh.

After going back and forth, Alice and I finally settled on something we could both live with: an ivory silk gown with a plunging neckline. It hung on my curves instead of hugging them so that it showed off my figure in a way that wouldn't tempt dad to send me up to my room to change into something more appropriate. Aunt Rose called it boring when she thought I wasn't listening, but I loved it. The color brought out the pink in my cheeks, and I was glad Alice had persuaded me to let her embroider tiny Swarovski crystals around the neckline and scatter them over the billowy skirt.

"Oh, Ness," my mom croaked behind me. "Baby."

"Mom."

It was all I could manage before we were both a mess, crying in one another's arms. For as long as I could remember, there'd never been a safer place than her embrace. Even during uncertain times when she would cry and it felt like the bottom was falling out from underneath us, her arms would bring me a sense of peace. She never kept them from me; she was always willing to hold me. When I was little she'd climb into my bed and her arms would help me sleep, and then, when I was older, I'd scamper into the big bed she shared with dad. I loved that he was there, but in the dark hours of night, I'd seek out the safety of mom's hugs every time.

"Your dad called it," mom sniffled. "He said I'd cry the day away."

"It's not like anything's really changing, mom," I said, trying to comfort her for once.

"Maybe you just don't know yet, sweetie. But, marriage..." Mom trailed off, lost in thought as she tried to arrange the frizz around my face just right.

Maybe mom was right; maybe I didn't know. Mom and dad were the truest example of love that I knew, and things hadn't seemed all that different to me after they got married. They were in love before, and they were in love after, and they had been ever since. My dad chose us, or more accurately, we all chose one another months and months before they made it official.

I don't remember, but mom tells me that I chose first. Way before either she or my dad was willing to commit, I told her that I wanted us to be a family. I guess I felt pretty much the same way now; my heart was set - this was a done deal. This wedding was a gala for Grandma Esme to throw, it meant a special gown for Alice to design, and it gave my mom and dad an event to focus their tears on. I wasn't resentful, though. I loved my family and I leaned on them for support, and they'd always been there for me. I was glad that this day could be about them as much as it was about me.

Okay, fine… Secretly, I kind of wanted to do things the way my mom and dad had, well, minus the five-year old…

The spring when I was five, Aunt Rosalie and Uncle Emmett had a big, lavish wedding. Mom was huge with Will, and I remember her grumbling about looking like a big, ripe peach in the dress Rosalie made her wear. I thought that looking like a peach was kind of awesome, and I somehow persuaded Rose to let me wear green tights so that my legs looked like stems. I'd thought it was perfect.

Anyway, later that night, when me and mom and dad were driving home, I remember them talking all hushed and low in the front seat as I was trying desperately to stay awake. My mom leaned over to kiss dad as he drove, and he caught her there and asked her what they were waiting for.

"To get up the nerve to do _that_," my mom explained.

And the next day, with the help of a judge that dad knew, and some municipal licensing bureaucrats that he'd been working with to get his non-profit off the ground, me and mom and dad stood in front of a judge, dressed much more conservatively, and a few minutes later they were married.

"Marriage, honey," my mom continued like she never paused. "It's not always easy, even when two people love one another. It commits the heart to mundane reality and grounds love to the here and now. It takes a very special relationship to weather being tethered down like that, still allowing enough rope to fly and to truly enjoy your life with one another.

"But I had the best example, mom."

"I think you taught me as much as I taught you, Little One."

xXxXx

"Last chance to back out, Little Bell."

"Daddy!" I spun around to see my dad leaning against the doorjamb of his old room, a smile carefully held on his face, his eyes a little brighter than usual.

Faint sounds of laughter floated up from Grandma Esme's backyard. I'd made the mistake of telling her that I wanted to get married by the old stone wall. She uprooted trees and leveled the whole area just to make me happy. Of course, she'd commissioned a new grove of trees in Fairmount Park, because she was nothing if not environmentally proper.

"Are you ready for this, Ness?" dad asked.

"Oh, daddy." I wanted to rush into his arms, but in heels and draped in silk I had no choice but to carefully make my way over to him.

"You're so beautiful, Ness," he rasped, holding me at arm's length so he could get a good look at me.

"Aunt Alice's dress," I mumbled, smoothing the skirt of the cream-colored gown.

"Not even close, Little Bell. You look just like your mom, only with curls."

Tears sprang to my eyes. That's just what he said to me the first day we met. I still remembered, dimly… Just his words, and his big green eyes, and mom changing right in front of me. She turned magically prettier and happier without even having to change her dress like Cinderella did.

"I'm lucky, you know," I offered. "Not many girls remember the day they met their dad."

"Not many dads are lucky enough to be chosen by amazing little girls."

It took five years, but we finally finalized my adoption when I was nine. But none of that mattered to me. To me, Edward was my dad from the moment we all slept together on the living room floor. He was special to me, better than a dad, a dad that we all decided on in a long, and hard and painful way, just like mom had warned. He was my Ewoord, my daddy ina takesa longtimeway.

He was a dad that grew better with age, because the older I got, the more I learned about what he'd done for my mom and me. Back when all of that stuff was happening with Jake and my biological father, I only knew that mom was sad, and Edward and Jake were gone. But my dad had single handedly solved Jake's murder, saved a woman and her daughter, and kept me in my mom's sole custody. He made my mom sushi, and he wrote her a note and a piece of music that kept her afloat while she struggled with her demons.

How many girls had superheroes for dads? I knew of one.

My dad did this all when he didn't know if he'd ever see us again, because he loved us that much. Because he promised me he'd make us a family. And as foolish a thing as that was to promise to a four-year old girl, he kept his promise in spades. Even when it had seemed impossible.

He was the best man I knew - probably better than my almost husband.

His thumbs carefully wiped at my tears.

"You're going to ruin your make-up, sweetheart, and I don't know how to do any of that shit."

"I love you, daddy." He was daddy to me ever since Will said his first 'dada'. I wasn't going to be outdone by little Two-Minute Will.

What he was to me went beyond words, though. It didn't matter what I called him.

He was the man that came with me when I went to meet my half-sister. He was the man that filed countless motions to take away my biological father's rights. He spent his entire life helping kids on the streets of Philadelphia. And he spent the rest of his time devoted to me, and my mom, and Will.

"I love you too, Little Bell. I remember the first time you told me, you know."

"You probably said it right back."

Dad just smiled and held my hands in his. "He's got to be good to you. If he's not, I'll -"

"He already is, dad. You don't have to worry."

"Fuck, are you sure, Ness? I couldn't fucking think straight when I was his age."

I'd heard it all before. Two-Minute and I were no strangers to dad's cautionary tales. Me, I listened well and I chose the straight and narrow - went to college, found a job. Will had decided he'd learn from dad's mistakes by making them over again, or at least outshining dad at his own shit. I was glad I was away at school for most of that.

"You know I fucking think straight, daddy."

Dad smiled. It always made him smile to hear me say fuck. "And the guy sweating bullets out there?" he asked.

"He loves me."

"Enough?"

"Daddy!"

"Stupid fucking question. I just want you to be happy."

"I am."

"And I only want to do this shit once," he chuckled nodding his head towards the backyard.

Faint strains of Chopin floated up from the backyard. If ever music made me feel loved, it was this music… the music that Edward gave me that held me when he couldn't be there, when all I had was my mother's arms.

"That's our cue, Little Bell."

"Okay, daddy. Let's go."

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**A/N: Wow... okay, housekeeping, before I get emotional... Today (February 7th) is the last day to vote for The Golden Lemon Awards. TPoL is up for two... and I would love your vote: http:/www . goldenlemonawards . com/**

**TPoL has also been nominated for THREE Shimmer Awards: Climax Award (Best Drama), Tear Jerker Award (Best Tragedy), and Underdog Award (Best New Author). Some of my amazing author friends are up for awards as well... Please check it out: http:/shimmerawards . blogspot . com/**

**Anyway, um, now I guess the body of the story is really over. There will be out-takes. Look for 'em. I know not everything was tied up. Tanya... I know. Rebecca and Rachel, yep, them too. And did James get out of prison? What happened when Ness met Bree? All good points. **

**One more time, THANK YOU to all that have read and loved and cried and hated me from time to time and wrote to tell me about it. Thanks to those that have pimped me on Facebook, and Twitter and on your blogs and added me to your C2s... There are too many, and I'll leave people out I'm sure... Lindz, fuzzyltlwingedthing, MsEm, BittenInCA, CoffeeluvaNZ, FL95, Nic, KatHat, Twihard JCS, IWantAJasper, Lady Ali, Vicis, and like I said, the list goes on and on. **

**I'll be around. I'll probably start another fic before too long. But if this story has taught me anything it's the value of family. I've got to get back to mine for a little while. Until then, xxx, M**


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